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Yucks Digest V2 #64
Yucks Digest Mon, 28 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 64
Today's Topics:
administrivia
Carlos `Danny' Herrera dies; invented margarita in late '40s
For sale:rare-elements,....
GAMES/BOOK REVIEWS Cops and robbers go high tech
Jim's Confusion, All creatures great and small, and Bambiburgers
L'ISLE DE GILLIGAN
The Virgin Mary Speaks to America Today
what the archaeologists will say
[FWD>Why I went to CMU...]
Automatic weapons, parts II and III
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon Dec 28 15:23:56 EST 1992
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucks
This will be the last (or second last) Yucks digest this year.
Starting with January 1, we will begin volume 3 of Yucks.
The last issue of volume #2 will be the headers of all issues in
volume #2.
My best wishes to you all for the new year.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 92 19:45:38 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Carlos `Danny' Herrera dies; invented margarita in late '40s
To: yucks-request
By Patricia Dibsie Copley News Service
SAN DIEGO Carlos "Danny" Herrera was always a little vague
about the exact date he mixed a jigger of white tequila with lemon
juice and triple sec, creating a smooth and salty concoction he named
"margarita."
It would have been October or November of 1947 or 1948, he told
friends. And then he would add: "Three things happen to you when you
get old. You lose your memory, and I can't recall the other two."
Mr. Herrera died here in San Diego of natural causes at the age of
90. He had moved here five years ago to be with his daughter, Gloria
Amezcua.
He was born in Mexico City in 1901 and worked his way across Mexico
as a young man, finally settling in Tijuana in 1929. He built a home
seven miles south of Tijuana in what was then wide open land he and
his wife called "La Gloria," after his daughter.
The couple added a bar in the home, the only one for miles, to
entertain the many friends who dropped in. Traffic was so heavy that
the couple decided to operate the bar as a business.
Their home became a restaurant in 1935, offering Mexican cuisine,
mixed drinks, beer and wine. Within a few years, the couple decided to
add 10 motel rooms next to the restaurant. Then came a swimming pool.
Then came a booming clientele from across the border including
Hollywood stars.
Called Rancho La Gloria, it was midway on the old road that
connected Tijuana with Rosarito Beach.
Among the bar's clientele was a showgirl and sometime actress who
called herself Marjorie King. She was allergic to hard liquor, except
for tequila, but she didn't like to drink it straight or even with a
lemon and salt.
Mr. Herrera started experimenting and came up with a concoction
that was three parts white tequila, two parts Cointreau and one part
fresh lemon juice. He added shaved ice and blended the mixture with a
hand shaker.
He called the drink "margarita," after the actress. He dipped a
small, short-stemmed glass in lemon juice, twirled the rim in a bowl
of rock salt and poured in the liquid.
He later bragged that she loved the drink from the first moment it
touched her lips. So did a lot of other people.
The drink made its way to a small restaurant in San Diego.
Bartender Al Hernandez mixed the concoction for the first time in the
United States. He did some more experimenting with different blends of
juices and tequilas.
By the mid-1950s, margaritas were served in almost every San Diego
bar, and their popularity eventually spread across the country.
Mr. Herrera and his first wife were divorced in 1940. He married a
Coronado socialite, the late LaVenda Van Ness, in 1950, and the couple
built a large home in La Gloria.
During the next 30 years the couple entertained many Hollywood
personalities, including Walt Disney, Mickey Rooney and Vincent Price.
His wife died in 1989.
Besides his daughter, Mr. Herrera is survived by four grandchildren
and 12 great-grandchildren.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 May 1992 18:54:14 GMT
From: zakro@386sx.kheta.georgia.su (Zakaria A. Shishmanashvili)
Subject: For sale:rare-elements,Crude oil,aluminium powder,diamond crumb,humans protein,snake-venom
Newsgroups: misc.forsale,misc.wanted
For the attention of Comertial Firms, Businessmen
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "Georgia Net Ltd." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
offers to make bargaines - to buy:
1.Crude oil, from Surgut or Ufa, 200 000 tons, under FOB
conditions from the port of Batumi (Republic of Georgia).
2.Tantalum (Ta), 99,92%, 900 kg, certificated, in plates.
Wrapped in marked paper and packed in wooden boxes. Under FOB
conditions from any port of Europe or Batumi.
In bars - 186 kg. In pices - 1 170 kg.
3.Foam Nickel (Ni), 99.50%, 2126 kg, certificated, in sheets.
Wrapped in marked paper and packed in wooden boxes. Under FOB
conditions from any port of Europe or Batumi.
4.Yttrium and other rare-eath elements.
5.Scandium (III) oxid, 99,9%. Amount 300 kg. Certificated.
6.Indium of high purity. Amount 20 kg. Certificated.
7.Hafnium. Amount 10 kg. Certificated.
8.Tellurium. 99,9999. Packed in vacuum ampules. Certificated.
9.Gallium. 99,9999-99,9998. In bars. Certificated.
10.Aluminium powder. 99,5 purity. Amount 160 000 kg. Certificated.
11.Diamond crumb (of natura diamond). Fractions size -
0,008-0,005 mm. Amount - 120 000 carat.
12.alpha-f-D Humans protein. Sigma = 71. 1 (one) gram. In
ampules - 25 pieces. Packs according international standarts.
13.Venom of Central Asian snake (Vipera lebetina - lat).
14.Venom of Caucasian snake (Vipera lebetina - lat).
15.Bees-venom of high activity.
More information is available. All the positions are prompt.
Prices are 10-15% less then world prices.
We are looking forward to hearing from you.
Dr. T.Kancheli
E-mail address: temo@info.kheta.georgia.su
Tbilisi, Republic of Georgia
Tel.(7-8832)365224, 13 - 22 p.m. GMT
(7-8832)389586, 13 - 22 p.m. GMT
(7-8832)345270, 23 p.m. - 4 a.m. GMT
Tlx.212100 ALMAZ SU
[Sorry I didn't post this in time for the Xmas gift-giving season, but
there is still the possibility of birthday gifts. After all, who could
resist a vial of viper venom nestled in a bed of foam nickle sheets and
diamond crumbs? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 May 92 11:37:29 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: GAMES/BOOK REVIEWS Cops and robbers go high tech
To: yucks-request
By Jennifer Plantier Copley News Service
PLAY PRETEND
Kids have always played games where the good guys chase the bad
guys, but it was never anything like this. The FBI Jr. line, from
NASTA, turns any imaginative kid into a full-fledged undercover agent.
Now your good guy has access to even more uncanny devices than
James Bond himself. The Pepsi Walkie Talkies look so much like a real
bottle of soda even your own mom won't know it's really a working
walkie talkie with a range of 300 feet.
The Surveillance Binoculars and headset magnify what you see and
amplify what you hear. Catch even the craftiest criminals with this
undercover aid.
The Finger Print Set lets agents lift, store and match fingerprints
to solve the most mysterious crimes. Collect even more damaging
evidence with the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Camera. It looks like
candy, but it's really a 110mm camera that works!
These and other handy crime fighters make sure that no bad apple
gets away.
COMBAT COMMAND
Engage in countless naval battles with a computer game for serious
military strategists. Carrier Strike, South Pacific 1942-1944, from
Strategic Simulations, combines the naval battles of those years into
one military campaign under the player's command.
Play begins as the U.S./British and Japanese forces prepare for
battle. Players must dictate search plans and assign strike missions.
They must also serve as Carrier Task Force Commander to issue the
proper orders during battle.
Players may combine several historical battles into one. Relive the
battles of the Coral Sea, Eastern Solomons, Santa Cruz, Midway and
Marianas. But be prepared for other randomly generated carrier
battles.
Assume command on your IBM-PC or compatible computer.
POWER PAD
A new accessory for the Super Nintendo puts even more power
directly into the hands of video gamers. The AsciiPad, from Ascii
Entertainment Software, offers several exciting features designed to
improve scores and help players master more difficult games.
The Independent Turbo Control provides 20-shot-per-second extra
fire-power, while the Slow Motion feature puts on the breaks to give
gamers more time to conquer difficult segments.
Finally, the Hands-Free Auto Turbo fires up to 20 shots per second
automatically so that the player can concentrate on other aspects of
the game besides shooting.
It might be cheating a little, but if it makes those more difficult
games more manageable, then it could be worth it.
TIME TEST
This complex computer game sends players on a crucial mission back
to the past. Timequest, from Legend Entertainment, calls on players to
put important historical events back in sync.
Time travel is extremely risky and thus limited to a few
individuals appointed to divert future catastrophes.
However, one appointee has illegally ventured back into the past
and rearranged events so that they threaten the very existence of the
present.
Players inherit the major responsibility of restoring the past and
saving the future.
Take on this challenge with your IBM-PC or compatible computer.
SUN SCREEN
Two new accessories for the color portable Atari Lynx let you play
you games in more places and for longer periods of time than you ever
imagined. The Sunshield and Battery Pack, both from Atari, enable the
Lynx to travel just about anywhere.
Take your unit outdoors on sunny spring or summer days. The
Sunshield makes the playing screen more easily visible in bright
light.
The easy-to-carry Battery Pack swings over the shoulder or hooks to
your belt loop and the extends the Lynx's playing life up to 30
hours.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 May 92 09:40:53 CDT
From: muchow@anubis.network.com (Jim Muchow)
Subject: Jim's Confusion, All creatures great and small, and Bambiburgers
From: "Joel B. Levin" <levin@BBN.COM>
Date: Tue, 19 May 92 14:55:59 EDT
From: king@ukulele.reasoning.com
>
>Arachnids are not insects. Even the ones that live on land and are often
>thought of as insects [spiders] are not insects.
Well, I think Jim is confusing arachnids with arthropods (which includes
insects, arachnids, and all those fishy smelling things with shells on).
My confusion is great and growing. Ever since I took to heart the
Socratic epitaph, "the more I know, the more confused I am" or was
it, "the more I am confused, the more I know", no, that's not it,
lessee, "the more I know I am confused, the more...", well, damn - I
seem to have forgotten the exact wording, but I remember thinking just
how well it applied to me.
But shrimps and lobsters and crawfish are not arachnids.
Yeah, well, these arachnids, arthropods, and what have you are all
classified by my daughter and myself as belonging to the large and
encompassing group: "creepy kinds of animals". Some of these creepy
animals are merely creepy while others are not only creepy, but also
have sharp pointy fangs filled with death-dealing poison. Those of
this latter group are avoided by in large except when suitably armed
with rolled up newspapers. Other members of the genus have sharp,
pointy sticker-things coming out of their tail that they will use
against humans for no apparent reason whatsoever. These creatures, of
course, must be destroyed at all costs lest they attack (for no
apparent reason whatsoever). And don't forget the newest attack
mounted against humanity by the "creepy kinds of animals". This is the
one that is caused by a nearly microscopic member of the genus that
infects its victim with a disease that causes the victim to swell up
into a citrus fruit or something - I don't remember exactly, but it
was a pretty painful death, of course, and that is no laughing matter.
Interestingly, I seem to remember that deer and therefore Bambi are
involved somehow in this last conspiracy against humans, so I say
Bambiburgers are just fine by me.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 13 May 92 21:54:36 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: L'ISLE DE GILLIGAN
To: eniac
Cut from little fragments of desconstruction paper and glued together
with a perturbing semi-idiotic elegance, no Aaron Spelling flames
please...(this was sent to me in the mail for no doubt important
reasons):
L'ISLE DE GILLIGAN
Brian Morton
The hegemonic discourse of postmodernity valorizes modes of
expressive and "aesthetic" praxis which preclude any dialogic
articulation (in, of course, the Bakhtinian sense) of the
antinomies of consumer capitalism. But some emergent forms of
discourse inscribed in popular fictions contain, as a
constitutive element, metanarratives wherein the characteristic
tropes of consumer capitalism are subverted even as they are
apparently affirmed. A paradigmatic text in this regard is the
television series _Gilligan's Island_, whose seventy-two episodes
constitute a master-narrative of imprisonment, escape, and
reimprisonment which eerily encodes a Lacanian construct of
compulsive reenactment within a Foucaultian scenario of a
panoptic social order in which resistance to power is merely one
of the forms assumed by power itself. [1]
The "island" of the title is a pastoral dystopia, but a
dystopia with a difference--or, rather, a dystopia with a
_differance_ (in, of course, the Derridean sense), for this is a
dystopia characterized by the free play of signifier
and signified. The key figure of "Gilligan" enacts a dialect of
absence and presence. In his relations with the Skipper, the
Millionaire, and the Professor, Gilligan is the repressed, the
excluded. The Other: He is the id to the Skipper's Ego, the
proletariat to the Millionaire's bourgeoisie, Caliban to the
Professor's Prospero. [2] But the binarism of this duality is
deconstructed by Gilligan's relations with Ginger the movie star.
Here Gilligan himself is the oppressor: Under the male gaze of
Gilligan, Ginger becomes the Feminine-as-Other, the
interiorization of a "self" that is wholly constituted by the
linguistic conventions of phallocratic desire (keeping in mind,
of course, Saussure's _langue/parole_ distinction). That Ginger is
identified as a "movie star" even in the technologically barren
confines of the desert island foreshadows Debord's concept of the
"society of the spectacle," wherein events and "individuals" are
reduced to simulacra. [3] Indeed, we find a stunningly prescient
example of what Baudrillard as called the "depthlessness" of
American in the apparent "stupidity" of Gilligan and, indeed, of
the entire series. [4]
The eclipse of linearity effectuated by postmodernity, then,
necessitates a new approach to the creation of modes of
liberatory/expressive praxis. The monologic and repressive
dominance of traditional "texts" (i.e., books) has been
decentered by a dialogic discourse in which the "texts" of
popular culture have assumed their rightful place. This has
enormous implications for cultural and social theory. A journal
like _Dissent_, instead of exploring the question of whether
socialism is really dead, would make a greater contribution
to postmodern discourse by exploring the question of whether
Elvis is really dead. This I hope to demonstrate in a future
study.
- ---------------------------------------------------------
FOOTNOTES
1. Gilligan himself represents the transgressive potentialities
of the decentered ego. See Georges Thibault, _Jouissance et
Jalousie dans L'Isle de Gilligan_, unpublished dissertation on
file at the Ecole Normale Superieure (St. Cloud).
2. _Gilligan's Island_ may be periodized into an early, Barthean
phase, in which most episodes ended with an exhibition of
Gilliganian _jouissance_, and a second phase whose main
inspiration is apparently that of Nietzsche, via Lyotard. The
absence of any influence of Habermas is itself a testimony to the
all-pervasiveness of Habermas's thought.
3. The 1981 television movie _Escape from Gilligan's Island_
represents a reactionary attempt to totalize what had been
theorized in the series as an untotalizable herteroglossia, a
_bricolage_. The late 1970s influence of the Kristevan semiotic
needs no further comment here.
4. Why do the early episodes privilege a discourse of metonymy?
And what of the title--_Gilligan's Island_? In what sense is the
island "his"? I do not have the space to pursue these questions
here, but I hope to do so in a forthcoming book.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: 18 May 92 22:01:23 GMT
From: Phillip.Dampier@f228.n260.z1.fidonet.org (Phillip Dampier)
Subject: The Virgin Mary Speaks to America Today
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
DLEIBOLD@VM1.YorkU.CA (David Leibold) wrote:
> In the current issue of that mad magasine of Christendom, {The
> Door}, one of their "Truth is Stranger than Fiction" items shows an ad
> which claims "The Virgin Mary Speaks to America TODAY / Toll Free
> Message 800-882-MARY".
This is the direct line for Our Lady of the Roses Shrine, an
"interesting" group of Mary worshippers who maintain constant vigil at
a shrine they erected at the site of the old NY World's Fair. They
are headquartered in Bayside, New York and upon leaving your name and
address, you will receive an introductory booklet about their
ministry, a "rose petal blessed by Mary herself," and an invitation to
join in on the fun by being added to their mailing list. If you like
pounds of goodies sent to your home, sign up. I did.
It's all the work of one Veronica Lueken, a housewife in Bayside who
believes Mary delivers important messages for earthbound folk via Ms.
Lueken.
For extra fun, if you let them think you are a live one, beg and plead
for some of their literature and tapes. My favorites:
Warnings About...
Communism
Cults of Satan
Child Molestors of The Evil One
They also offer books on flying saucers that kidnap kids for Satan,
and "Heaven's Point of View," which was reviewed in one of the books I
have as a "zombo-Catholic classic."
I love it, and the best part of it is that most of it is free. This
has become a side hobby of mine, collecting tons of free rants and
goodies from hundreds and hundreds of, shall we say, "fringe" groups
across the country.
All things considered, these people are harmless.
If you want to write, the address is:
Our Lady of the Roses Shrine
P.O. Box 52
Bayside, NY 11361-0052
Have fun!
[Moderator's Note: You know, that list of topics, or 'warnings' sounds
like good material for some Usenet news groups. I wonder if it would
be possible to get Mary (via Ms. Luken of course) to enter into a
dialog with netters in one of the news groups? After all, they are
going to have those worthless presidential candidates participate in a
forum sometime soon; maybe Mary could have one also, perhaps in the
news group where all the Socially Responsible netters hang out. Maybe
Mary has had a vision she could share with them about Hackers From
Hell, or Communist Hackers who belong to the Cult of Satan. :) PAT]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 18 May 92 13:13:56 EDT
From: David Gingold <gingold@Think.COM>
Subject: what the archaeologists will say
THE CAFFEINE CULTS
History-
As we all know, Java man dates back to the Pliocene, not coincidentally the
dawn of human history. Further evidence of the basic biological nature of
the caffeine drive is the recapitulation of phylogeny which occurs upon
ingestion of the sacred substance. The authors have documented devotees'
claims that mere pseudopods solidify into hands with opposable thumbs before
the celebrants' bleary eyes.
The Coffee Theory of Civilization (attributed to Karen Anderson) is simple
and indisputable: Coffee caused European Civilization. Compare Scandinavia
B.C.: crude Viking raiders, subsistence farmers, bestiality; with Scandinavia
A.D.: Nobel Peace Prize, Euthanasia, Socialism and Danish Modern furniture.
Historical evidence suggests that the beginning of the Baroque Period in art
closely corresponds with the infusion of Coffee into the indigenous European
cultures. Coffee was first introduced in Southern Italy and spread northward,
in the same sequence as Baroqueness. The advent of the Roccoco Period
coincides with the introduction of Espresso methods. However, even Coffee has
proven a mixed blessing, as the genesis of the Insurance Racket can be traced
to Lloyd's Coffee House in London where habitues wagered on the safe arrival
of seagoing trading vessels.
Daring Anthropology-
Selflessly braving untold hazards, the authors have collected several primitive
chants from the ancient Javacrucian sect, which are recited by cultists while
grinding beans, during the transubstantiation of water into starter fluid, and
while actually imbibing. The most widely practiced Javacrucian sacremental
rite is as follows:
Facing Rising Sun (where applicable, otherwise generic East or any
source of light will do), and holding the Mug of Brewe, celebrant
takes first sip, elevates cup and intones "Gods, I needed that!"
Other rare and previously unrecorded chants are offered below:
A Grinding Invocation:
We all worship the Black Bean!
Body of the god, Caffeine
Where there is Life there is Coffee!
Where there is Coffee there is Life!
(repeat as needed)
Hayduke's Transubstantiation Chant:
Chemicals! Chemicals!
Chemicals! Chemicals, etc.
Cult Practices-
Formulation of the Holy Brew is widely varied, although generally members of
differing sects have no problem practicing even the most arcane rites
together and harmoniously, as long as there's enough. Sects of the
Javacrucian tradition vary mainly around additives to the Basic Brew. The
authors were able to observe and identify the following sub-sects:
The Path of Sweetness and Light
The Great Why Botherhood
The Path of Delectable Darkness
The Milky Way
Obscure ritual tools have been excavated from settlements of Puppies, who are
suspected of being the largest suborder of kitchen Javacrucians. These
artifacts include bean roasting pans, elaborate electronic devices with lights,
bells and whistles and radios, and offering trays and votive vessels.
Javacrucian Brahmans have strict cult requirements not easily met by the less
devoted. These include keeping the Holy Beans in the freezer and grinding in
the Prayer Wheel only seconds before expressing the Sacred Essence. Mystery
cults insist on arcane brewing methods known only to their members. Which is
what makes them a Mystery, see?
Associated cults include Teaosophists, Rastacolians, Mateyanists and the more
distantly related Chocoholics. This formerly obscure cult of the Cocoa Bean
has experienced a monumental growth in membership in the last half of the
twentieth century, when Chocolate suddenly became widely available. We have
unearthed some obscure references to a fusion practice wherein Chocolate
covered Espresso Beans are eaten whole in order to induce an altered state of
consciousness. Chocolate is, of course, recognized in all Caffeine cults as
the Fifth Element.
(from Green Egg magazine)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 20 May 92 14:07:52 -0400
From: "Marc Goodman" <goodman@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: [FWD>Why I went to CMU...]
To: eniac
A friend of mine sent me this via at least two email jumps. Thought
it was amusing... Sorry for the bletcherous formatting.
22-May-87 19:26 Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu Presentation announcement
It's common knowledge that whenever you get two or more CS grad students
together, the conversation will inevitably drift to the same topic:
automatic weapons. Lately, we've noticed that whenever we attend a CS party,
picnic, or bullsession, we always hear the same questions and discussions,
usually from the younger grad students:
"When I switched from guncotton to standard ball powder on my .223 loads,
the gas ports on my M16 would clog like you wouldn't believe. Steer clear
of that stuff."
"You haven't cleared an ejection port jam until you've cleared one in
the Hill district at 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning."
"I want to mount an M60 in front of the sun roof of my Tercel, but
the mounting bracket wasn't drilled for import cars. How did Josh
Bloch do his?"
"What exactly are those special 'conference rounds' that Newell hand loads
before AAAI every year?"
"Some of my friends at the MIT AI Lab don't like M203's because the
grenade launcher adds too much weight, but I wouldn't have gotten
out of IJCAI-85 in one piece if it hadn't been for those 40mm flechette
rounds. What do you think?"
"Do you have to be a god-damned tenured professor to get teflon rounds
at this place?"
"Does the 'reasonable person principle' cover hosing down a member
of the Soar project after he's used the phrase 'cognitively plausible'
for the fifteenth time in a 20 minute conference talk?"
"Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47?"
"I used to use Dri-Slide to lube my M16. How come my advisor says
Dri-Slide is for momma's boys and Stanford profs?"
"Does the way Jon Webb keeps flicking the safety of his Mac-10 on
and off at thesis defenses make you nervous, too?"
In short, there is a lot of concern in this department for the proper care,
handling and etiquette of automatic weapons. So as a service to the
department, we are starting a two week daily series on "The Care and Handling
of Your M16A1." Every day for the next two weeks, we will post on the wall
outside our office the day's helpful hint on care and maintenance of that good
old departmental standby: the M16A1. Our thanks to the US Army, whose
training manuals we have shamelessly cribbed for material.
We would like to encourage other knowledgeable members of the CS community to
share their expertise in a similar fashion. There is a real need for this
kind of dialogue in the department. The new students come in here every fall,
and are totally unequipped to handle the realities of graduate student life at
CMU. Computability theory and lexical scoping are fine things to know about,
but they just don't cut the mustard when somebody from the Psych department
opens up on you with an Ingram set to full auto.
------------------------------
Date: 27-May-87 02:16
Subject: Automatic weapons, parts II and III
From: Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu
I had recent occasion to view your Presentation Announcement on care
and feeding of automatic weapons during lecture hall. I found it most
amusing. I would very much like to see and/or contribute future
material.
We have similar problems here at Berkeley, though it has been difficult
to wean our students away from more the more mundane assortment of
Browning Hi-Power's, Beretta 92SBF's and Sig-Sauer P226's. The 9mm clique
is pretty strong here, and the young grad students fairly parsimonious.
They tend to balk at the idea of spending enough money on ammo to make
full auto firefights practical. Lately, they've taken to sniping at eachother
from the Campanille tower and engaging in loose hit-and-run guerrilla tactics
during finals. This is obviously not the American Way and needs to be changed.
While I've been able to slowly ween them into more progressive arms (such
as the Beretta 93R and an occasional mini-uzi), I still can't seem to get
past the supply problem. My questions are:
"Do you buy your ammo in bulk, or do appointed individuals
do shifts on a progressive reloader?"
"Does the school pay for this?"
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Jordan Hubbard
U.C. Berkeley
moderator of rec.guns
27-May-87 02:16 Olin.Shivers@h.cs.cmu.edu Automatic Weapons,
part III
My reply to Mr. Hubbard of UC Berkeley:
- - - -----
Mr. Hubbard-
Thank you for your letter. It was certainly interesting to hear of conditions
out on the West Coast. What can I tell you about the situation here at CMU?
I'm really glad I came to CMU. The faculty is absolutely first rate, and
they all take pride in their weapons skills. We are admittedly a pretty
opinionated bunch, which provides for many interesting interchanges within the
community. I, for instance, think the long barrel .44 Automag is more of a
fashion statement than a weapon, though you won't catch me saying that within
earshot of Prof. Fahlman. If you catch my drift.
Yes, I am aware of the West Coast predilection for 9mm pistolry. When I was
an undergraduate, I spent one summer doing AI hacking at the MIT AI Lab. We'd
hired this west coast guy to do Lisp hacking, and I can clearly remember being
a little stranged out by his attitudes. He just wouldn't shut up about
Interlisp and Browning Hi-Power's. Every time I tried to explain to him the
way our project did things, he'd interrupt with "the right way," i.e. the West
Coast Way, to do it. He just couldn't get it through his head that I didn't
want to hear about Interlisp, and I damn sure didn't want to hear about
9-fucking-millimeter automatics; we were a Zetalisp/.223 project. I finally
gave up on him; that was the first time I'd ever personally encountered the
east coast/west coast split in Lisp style and weapons choice.
I'm not quite as adamant about that sort of thing as I used to be. I guess
these days I tend to have a "whatever gets the job done" attitude -- even if
it's franz or a .22 Woodsman. But I've always thought that the west coast was
really missing out on a good thing. I mean, on the east coast, public comment
sometimes requires you to tuck a Beretta discreetly away in a shoulder
holster. But when you are in Berkeley, it being the sort of place that it is,
you can stroll down the street toting your automatic rifle of choice without
so much as raising an eyebrow.
I am very fond of Berkeley. I think that while LA represents the dark, twisted
climb-the-water-tower-and-start-shooting-until-the-Marines-settle-it
side of California weirdness, Berkeley represents the very best of the pure,
innocent-killer side of it all. The first weekend I ever spent in Berkeley
was in the summer of 1983. I was sitting down at one of those really
delightful cafes you have out there. To my left some old man was drinking
cappucino and practicing Chinese calligraphy; down the street some
undergraduates were engaged in a running firefight. I was taking it all in,
thinking that Berkeleians have remembered something about living well that the
rest of America seems to have forgotten, when this kid's stray .223 slug
shattered my glass of pomegranate soda. "Crazy undergraduates" I remember
chuckling to myself as I put the safety back on my Hi-Power and returned it
to its holster.
It seems a shame that ammunition is so hard to come by out there, though. We
are quite spoiled here at CMU. The departmental attitude towards logistical
support really crystallised for me in September of my first year. One of the
incoming first-year hot-shots had taken out Prof. Felton with a head shot
from 500 yards. We were all really impressed, and I think it was generally
agreed that Felton couldn't have asked for a more painless, appropriate end.
It was a beautiful, almost poetic way to cap what had been a textbook career
of brilliant, original mathematical insights punctuated with outbursts of
random, deeply unhinged violence. Many were the stories of Felton told that
week -- we were particularly touched that, in a very real sense, he'd died
with his boots on. He may have been all of 65, but his .357 Magnum had been
in his hand when he hit the ground, a reflexive feat of almost mystical
proportions, considering that by the time he'd become aware of the danger to
himself, most of his processing hardware had become so much organic garbage
heading west at Mach 1.
You've probably heard of Felton (National Academy of Science, IEEE Past
President, NRA sustaining member). My advisor told me later that Felton's
academic peak had come at that now-infamous 1982 Symposium on Data Encryption,
when he presented the plaintext of the encrypted challenge message that Rob
Merkin had published earlier that year using his "phonebooth packing"
trap-door algorithm. According to my advisor, Felton wordlessly walked up to
the chalkboard, wrote down the plaintext, cranked out the multiplies and
modulus operations by hand, and wrote down the result, which was obviously
identical to the encrypted text Merkin had published in CACM. Then, still
without saying a word, he tossed the chalk over his shoulder, spun around,
drew and put a 158grain semi-wadcutter right between Merkin's eyes. As the
echoes from the shot reverberated through the room, he stood there, smoke
drifting from the muzzle of his .357 Magnum, and uttered the first words of
the entire presentation: "Any questions?" There was a moment of stunned
silence, then the entire conference hall erupted in wild applause. God, I
wish I'd been there.
But I digress. At Felton's funeral, our departmental chairman delivered the
eulogy. I'll never forget his summation: "Poor Felton. Published, and
published, and perished just the same." And that's the attitude that the
professors take here. As my advisor said: "The tragedy of Galois is that he
could have contributed so much more to mathematics if he'd only spent more
time on his marksmanship." The professors at CMU aren't in the business of
turning out effete researchers, aimed at the big industrial labs. They are
interested in training *real* academicians, suitably prepared for life in the
jungle of university-level computer science. And that means time spent
practicing our teaching skills and weapons handling *as well as* making
fundamental research contributions to the field. The department does not care
to just crank out PhD's, half of whom aren't going going to make it through
their first semester as a junior professor without winding up in a body bag.
They are committed to a solid grounding in small arms fire, and if that means
spending some grant money for the necessary resources, they are ready to stand
up to the line.
So the short answer is, the department supplies us with all the ammunition
we can use, and then some. Any caliber; any load configuration. They even
keep those crazy Czechs supplied, who come in here every year with the
absolutely strangest knock-off versions of other countrys' guns that you have
ever laid eyes on. The free ammunition has some nice side effects, too: the
campus police never, ever give CS grad students parking tickets. And you just
wouldn't believe how attentive the students are in the courses we TA.
-Olin
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End of Yucks Digest
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