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Yucks Digest V2 #63 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 24 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 63
Today's Topics:
[surfpunk-0013] ADMIN: and happy holidays
CATNIP VIDEO
clueless users mailing list
Finals Week
House Rabbit Journal (2 msgs)
It Don't Get Cold in San Jose (Yucks)
joke
Katie takes all comers
letting a vice president work a booth at a meeting.
No, no. Not the dreaded GENERATION GAP!
NOTW
Rock Bands that belong together
Summer jobs [Was: Another trivia question]
The Scottish Killer Rabbit (was Re: House Rabbit Journal)
They both wear red
Top Ten Reasons the British Lost the Colonies
Top ten things to do with Gene Kim's abandoned car
ultimate rejection slip
undergraduates too?
Whoosh -- splat!!
Winter Simulation Conference Keynote this week.
Yucks Digest V2 #62
yucks possibilities
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 10:55:42 PST
From: cocot@osc.versant.com (Captain COCOT)
Subject: [surfpunk-0013] ADMIN: and happy holidays
To: surfpunk@osc.versant.com (SURFPUNK Technical Journal)
[ this comes via <minneman@parc.xerox.com> and <iansmith@cc.gatech.edu> ]
Do you know the commercial where the heavily mustached old woman in a
black shroud drinks strawberry Nestle' Quik and turns into a buxom
bombshell in pasties and G-string, and she squats down for a second in a
mud puddle, and when she gets up, her buttocks are covered with leeches,
and Jesus appears holding a Barbie, and two beams of sparkling particles
shoot from the eyes of the Barbie and vaporize the leeches, and the
Bombshell gets on her motorcycle, and pink florets of exhaust spurt from
the tailpipe spelling out the words BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE? Try
watching that on drugs. It's un-fucking-believable.
- Mark Leyner
[I've had eggnog like this.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 10:11:14 PST
From: Jamie Andrews <jamie@cs.sfu.ca>
Subject: CATNIP VIDEO
To: eniac
GIVE A CAT A LAUGH
with Dick Shapiro's amazing Catnip Video
Catnip Video is a 25 minute movie created just for cats.
Yes, they watch it. Yes, they love it. And cat owners find
the experience just as much of a howl as the cats do. It's
a wonderful gift idea for all the cats on your list.
JUST $19.95 (plus $4.00 s/h plus applicable taxes)
VISA MC AMEX
ORDER TOLL FREE 1-800-268-9323
Dick Shapiro's Cats
Unit 14, 20 Wertheim Ct. Richmond Hill, Ont. L4B 3A8
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 15:34:36 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: clueless users mailing list
To: yucks
I subscribed to the Clueless Users Mailing List a while back. The
first postings have just come through. --Pat
------ Clueless messages follow ------
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 10:35:33 GMT
From: clueless@mantis.co.uk
Sender: Clueless Users Network Test System <clueless@mantis.co.uk>
Subject: Welcome, clueless user!
Welcome to the Clueless Users Network Test System, an intelligence test for
the ignorant and impolite.
You have been automatically added to this mailing list because you sent a
subscription request like "UNSUB ME" out to the entire readership of a
mailing list, instead of sending it to the list server or list maintainer.
There is nobody of worth reading this mailing list. The only way you can
become unsubscribed is to figure out the standard way of unsubscribing from
an Internet mailing list. Until that time, you will get these messages
regularly.
If you made an innocent mistake in sending your "UNSUB ME" out to the entire
list, then you will know how to unsubscribe from this list immediately and no
harm will be done.
If, on the other hand, you simply have no clue how to deal with mailing
lists, you'd better start reading up on the subject before you go blundering
around again. Your attention is cordially drawn to the newsgroups
news.announce.newusers, news.newusers.questions, and news.answers.
Hint: the mailing list address is clueless@mantis.co.uk.
Final hint: most mail servers understand the "help" command.
Have fun.
----
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 12:03:10 GMT
From: jordan@imsi.com
Subject: hey
Hey how did I get on this list?
I tried control/alt/delete but I'm still on the list.
Jane stop this crazy thing!
/jordan
----
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 12:02:52 GMT
From: james@koko.csustan.edu
Subject: Re: Welcome, clueless user!
Who the hell are you?? I never sent anything to your address. I think you
received mail from the wrong person. If you want to be a nuisance, think twice
or better yet, in your case, once.
----
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 12:01:09 GMT
From: vasu@charon.physik.uni-osnabrueck.de
Sender: Clueless Users Network Test System <clueless@mantis.co.uk>
Subject: help
Reply-To: Clueless Users Network Test System <clueless@mantis.co.uk>
X-Mailserver: V-MailServer 1.22
what the *f..k* is this ?
----
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 12:01:39 GMT
From: anay@mcnc.org
Subject: Re: Welcome, clueless user!
You know assholes like you think that you can play games with someone's
personal email, but you picked the wrong person, because I am the last
person who will give in to shit like you, I can simply stop reading mail
at this account rather than do one little thing that you tell me to do.
So keep sending junk here for /dev/null to read. Btw, I am a system admin-
strator, I know more about mail servers than you ever want to find out,
but then two can play this game.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 12:20:03 EST
From: jt3h+@andrew.cmu.edu (Jeremy Matthew Toeman)
Subject: Finals Week
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
50 Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going
to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take
the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious...
like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
[So far, I have yet to have a student do any of these things in any of my exams.
Pity. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 16:19:33 CST
From: keeler@sun44.synercom.hounix.org (Elissa Keeler)
Subject: House Rabbit Journal
To: eniac
Next month's -Utne Reader- contains an excerpt from a recent
Lawrence Wright article in -Texas Monthly-. Wright's article,
in turn, contains this information and excerpt from -House
Rabbit Journal-.
"We assume that women perform the primary care-giving
role with the house rabbit (as with the kids), and they
form the strongest bonds with the bunny," wrote one
author. The magazine advised women rabbit owners who
want their men to share in their rabbit pleasures to
avoid talking about the warm, fuzzy, cuddly aspects
of the animal and instead emphasize its traits of
integrity, fortitude, and spirit."
Um, the sexism issues completely aside (Wright's article was
a standard bit about men and women in the '90s but this excerpt
was quite a bump in the narrative), does anyone have any examples
of bunnies showing integrity, fortitude, OR spirit?
With, of course, the exception of Thumper, Bunnicula, and the
entire cast of Watership Down.
Elissa
PS. I have no questions about the warm, fuzzy, cuddly aspects
of the animal.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 14:14:16 EST
From: "Nancy A. Quinn" <NQUINN@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: House Rabbit Journal
To: eniac
I think I should share one of my Bernie the Bunny stories now:
Bernie the Bunny was a left-over from someone's Easter, grew
larger, and was released into the wilds of Bloomington to fend for him-
self. Dutch Blue domestic bunnies usually end up as dog food, so we
caught him in a Have-A-Heart trap and brought him into the house inside
a cat carrier. We bought materials to make a hutch and borrowed the
book on You and Your Rabbit from the library, which informed us that
Yes! Bunnies can be housebroken! Just put the litter pan where the
little rodent first pees or poops, and they will return to that spot
EVERY TIME! Bernie peed in the middle of my double bed, and, yes, they
do return to the same spot. Spent the next n months with a drop cloth
over the bed...
Anyway, my household at the time consisted of 24 cats and a
boxer-dane cross named Cholak (after Yukon Moose Cholak). One of the
cats was a reformed <slightly> street tom named Que Bandito, a surly
big-muscled grey and white brute who looked as though he ought to have
tattoos on his arms. Bernie stayed inside his new hutch for about a
week or two, and the cats viewed him from outside. Que Bandito was an
especially avid viewer, swiping at the cage, and pacing and lunging
whenever abrupt bunny moves were made.
Finally, the day came when we decided it was necessary to
integrate Bernie into the larger community, as it wasn't being fair to
him to be cooped up in there all the time. Many cats watched attentively
as we opened the hutch door, but none as intently as Que Bandito. Bernie
popped his nose out and looked around and saw -- a large, soft, grey-and-
white creature. Just as Que Bandito poised to jump and rend his prey,
Bernie rushed *towards* him and attempted to nurse on his stomach. Que
Bandito began backing up as fast as he could to get away from the rabbit,
and never trusted Bernie to behave appropriately again.
I don't know if Bernie had any of the noble qualities mentioned,
but he had chutzpah in spades.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 1992 11:56:58 -0800
From: pwv@tc.fluke.com (Pat Vilbrandt)
Subject: It Don't Get Cold in San Jose (Yucks)
To: spaf
Ran across this in "The Business Journal (Serving San Jose and the Silicon
Valley)." The article had given a sweeping overview of a start-up company
attempting to capitalize on a new battery technology. The article closes with
a statement from the company's CEO that the battery "won't quite go down to
minus 50 degrees Celsius..." To which the article writer responds:
"For the metrically illiterate, that would be about 122 degrees
below zero Fahrenheit."
[For the mathematically illiterate, minus 50 Celsius is equivalent to -58
degrees Fahrenheit - pwv]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 18:27:58 EST
From: mkathry@mothra.gmu.edu (Kathy Moore)
Subject: joke
To: spaf
The night before implementation
Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he cursed and muttered and called them by name.
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twitch of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger upon the "ENTER" key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.
The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users' last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"
[From an unknown source]
------------------------------
Date: 14 Dec 92 17:20:06 GMT
From: agbrooks@teaching.cs.adelaide.edu.au (Zoz)
Subject: Katie takes all comers
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard yesterday on the NBC Today Show, as Katie Couric was interviewing
a USMC Colonel about the troops' accomodation in Somalia:
Katie: "You know, I slept with the 82nd Airborne in Saudi Arabia."
<Guest host begins laughing>
Katie: "No, I mean I spent the night with the 82nd Airborne."
<Guest host continues laughing>
Katie: "Oh, words can't express what I did with the 82nd Airborne."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 23:29:03 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: letting a vice president work a booth at a meeting.
To: spaf
A VP of an unnamed consulting company described working at an
exhibit booth and being asked by a colleague when the next "short
course" was happening. His reply was, "it will be on a day that shall
live in infamy, December 7th" only to discover that his colleage was
talking to a potential customer from Japan. I'd rather not name names
on this one.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Dec 92 00:52:25 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: No, no. Not the dreaded GENERATION GAP!
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 14:08:00 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: t.b on public enemy
To: yucks
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
>From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
>Subject: If Public Enemy were white
>Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 15:25:07 GMT
"411 is a Joke"
[Usually, I find stuff Patrick sends to me quite funny. I am
mystified by this. Is it because I have become middle-aged? Please,
somebody explain this to me!
Public Enemy's "911 is a Joke" made the charts a year ago. Flavor
Flav (we are not making this name up) starts off the song "I called
911 a long time ago" and goes on about how 911 service to black
neighborhoods is unbelievably slow.
--Pat "Gosh, the Generation Gap sure is pretty"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 07:24:32 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
In New York City, Donna Goldberg recently opened Organized Student, a
consulting service (at $85 to $125 per hour) that advises children and
teen-agers on how to clean up their rooms. Said a ninth-grade client
interviewed by the New York Times, "I try to keep going by myself, but
I can't do it."
--
To meet a new fashion demand, Rusk, a Los Angeles company, introduced a
product that makes clean hair look like hair that hasn't been washed for
three days.
--
Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-
flooding problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a
manhole. Said one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
--
Kevin Barry, 42, filed a lawsuit in federal court to recover $885 in
panhandling income the government had subtracted from his disability
benefits. The government said the money constituted "gifts," requiring
a dollar-for-dollar reduction in his benefits. Barry said the $885
were "earnings," which legally should not be set off against his benefits.
Barry claimed panhandling is an "art form" and "hard work," requiring him,
for example, to commute to the most desirable locations early in the morning
and during adverse weather conditions, and to stand in heavy traffic.
--
David S. Bethune was charged in Greenville, S.C., with threatening the
president after he disclosed to a hospitaal employee that he was going to
"ambush Bush" and "remove (him) from office." Bethune referred to himself
in couty as "the world's No. 1 man," a title he said he had held for the last
20 years. He also proclaimed he "topped the world" in academics, athletics,
business, military issues and social matters, and that he had solved the
mystery of the Bermuda Triangle.
--
Singer Jimmy Buffett's Save the Manatee Committee, formed to preserve Florida
sea cows from impending extinction, filed a lawsuit in May in its ongoing
financial squabble with the Florida Audobon Society over which organization
can do more for manatees.
--
A Navy Department employee newsletter reported in July that Bea Perry, a
secretary with a Navy unit in Washington, D.C., commutes to work daily from her
home in Trenton, N.J. -- 171 miles away. She hits the road at 2:30 a.m. to
make it to her desk by 6:30. She has been making the same commute, for a
variety of federal agencies in Washington, for 25 years.
--
In October, a cleaning crew accidentally tossed out an exhibit at the Museum
of Discovery and Science in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The exhibit consisted of
14,000 cigarette butts -- the amount a smoker produces in a lifetime --
crammed into coffee cans. Said the artist, in defense of the cleaning crew,
"(The butts) didn't smell very good."
--
Michael J. Schmidt, 29, set up a hidden video camera at his home near
Superior, Wis., because he had been burglarized several times and thought
he could catch the culprits in the act. The burglars came back and were
captured on tape, which Schmidt turned over to the sheriff. Among the items
the burglars took from Schmidt's house was a box containing eight marijuana
plants. Schmidt was charged with misdemeanor drug possession.
--
To honor Sheikh Fahad al-Ahmed al-Sabah, the only member of Kuwait's royal
family to die in the 1990 Iraqi invasion, the Kuwaiti Olympic Association
mounted the Sheikh's Lincoln Town Car onto a marble stand, painted the car
gold, and placed a sculpted fist bursting through the roof.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 19:30:02 EST
From: bskendig@netcom.com (Brian Kendig)
Subject: Rock Bands that belong together
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Bands that belong together, as heard on a local radio station:
Madonna and Super Tramp
Milli Vanilli and The Pretenders
Kansas and Toto
Guess Who and Who
Styx and Stones
Fine Young Cannibals and Missing Persons
Beach Boys and UB40
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 09:48:51 EST
From: bhahn@oldno7.sw.stratus.com (Bill Hahn)
Subject: Summer jobs [Was: Another trivia question]
bzs writes:
>A cross-sander is someone who operates a fairly large machine (well,
>not a hand-tool) which levels bowling alleys.
>
> [description of fascinating profession omitted]
While reading this some of my old synapses snapped, and now I
can't work because that wonderful old Fugs song "In The Bowling
Alley of My Mind You Are My Pinboy" keeps reverberating through
my head.
>2. You only get to screw a lane up totally once,
In one of my summer jobs, working in a cemetery, I managed to destroy
the name recorded on one of those flush-to-the-ground bronze grave
markers. I hit it fair and square with the mower attachment while
fishtailing thru the upright gravestones on a Ford tractor -- one
wheel dipped into a semi-sunken grave and I heard a loud KWIIIIIIING!
Stopped the tractor and saw that the last name was obliterated on the
bronze tablet -- there was just a shiny scar after "To the memory of
John A.".
With some trepidation I reported this to my boss. I'll never
forget his reaction. He:
(1) chewed me out for ruining a new pair of blades on
the mowing attachment; then
(2) looked down at the marker and said: "Look, the wife's
dead too; we don't have to worry, noone's gonna come to
this grave."
I've been having a problem with memorials ever since....
-Bill H., who for a small fee will come and tell cemetery
stories until your unwanted houseguests leave.
[Actually, I'd like to hear more about this service. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 92 10:21:29 PST
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: The Scottish Killer Rabbit (was Re: House Rabbit Journal)
Elissa Keeler sez:
> ...does anyone have any examples
> of bunnies showing integrity, fortitude, OR spirit?
This is too good to pass up. This would qualify as an urban legend if
I weren't able to put a name on the perpetrator.
Warren Usui is, apparently, a dangerous man when he's bored. He went
to a boring place: Hoof & Horn Mesa in the San Diego Zoo. Now, there
are those who think the San Diego Zoo is one of the most un-boring places
on Earth, and mostly they're right. Hoof & Horn Mesa is the big exception.
This is where all the "hoof stock" is stuck. The San Diego Zoo is basically
wedge-shaped, and you enter at the tip of the wedge. Hoof & Horn Mesa is
all around the curved edge of the wedge, and you can wear out two pairs
of shoes and use up three days' supplies trying to walk around it. Some
people don't make it back out in a week.
As I heard the story, Warren was leaning on the railing of the African
Goat exhibit, his mind a near-perfect blank, same as the exhibit - the goats
were all over the hill and out of sight. The only thing in sight was
an ordinary rabbit, munching out on the grass in the exhibit. Then the
catalyst: an old lady and her grandson came toddling up. Now, having made
it this far into Yawnland, the lady was desperate to keep the toddler
interested in something - ANYthing. So she pointed at the rabbit and
said, "Oh, look at the cute little bunny!"
At this point Warren turned the corner. Without any hesitation, he turned
to the lady and said in exhasperated tones, "Lady, that is _not_ a 'cute
little bunny!' That is a Scottish Killer Rabbit, one of only three in
captivity! There's this one, the one in St. Louis, and the one in Moscow.
Until the 1920's its existence couldn't even be confirmed, because it's
such a vicious killer that all the previous expeditions which went out
into the Scottish moors looking for one, never returned! It's one of
the most deadly animals in existence!" And on, and on. The lady's eyes
got rounder and rounder.
Now, Warren finally began running out of steam. He knew the jig was
just about up, when Providence smiled upon the unjust. The herd of
African goats came trotting back up over the hill into view. "Oh, look!"
said Warren, again without perceptible hesitation, "It's feeding time!"
The lady picked up the kid and took off.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
From: dhr@dsbc.icl.co.uk (Dave Robinson)
Subject: They both wear red
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul
to Santa ?
------------------------------
Date: 14 Dec 92 09:30:02 GMT
From: abennett@athena.mit.edu
Subject: Top Ten Reasons the British Lost the Colonies
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Courtesy of the Massachusetts Historical Society:
TOP TEN REASONS THE BRITISH LOST THE COLONIES
10. Hard to shoot straight with sissified powdered wig falling in your eyes.
9. Wanted to just lose New Jersey but got carried away.
8. Colonists on steroids.
7. Spent too much time guessing who's gay in the royal family.
6. Their diet: tea and crumpets. Our diet: raw squirrel meat and whiskey.
5. Serious problems with snuff abuse.
4. Lots of painful poking accidents trying to put on those pointy hats
of theirs.
3. We had Batman.
2. Wanted to get first draft choice.
1. Uninspiring battle cry: "Let's win this for our swishy inbred monarch!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 1992 09:43:45 -0500 (EST)
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Top ten things to do with Gene Kim's abandoned car
To: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
> I seem to recall something about an MG at Bradley, too....
Although, you understand, I had nothing to do with this either:
In the fall of 1976, a fellow named Chuck Stevens moved into the dorm
room next to the one I was in. It was an uncomfortable meeting, 'cause,
you see, I wasn't sure how to deal with him: Chuck was stuck in a
wheelchair as the consequence of an accident involving an overloaded
forklift in a Chicago foodstore warehouse. (It was a surprise to
his doctors that he had lived at all; they credited his athletic
conditioning--he was a ski instructor and superb basketball player--
with his survival). Anyway, I learned a lot from him, about the
dignity of human beings and the courage they can show...but mostly
about how folks with handicaps are just like the rest of us. (Although
I never did get the hang of doing wheelies in his chair; it might have
something to do with most of the lessons taking place when we were
both drunk.) Chuck fought off relapses and other problems and finally
graduated in 1980. Unfortunately, he died in the spring of 1981 under
extremely suspicious circumstances shortly after the Illinois courts
awarded him a large settlement in the lawsuit he'd filed against the
grocery store chain.
Anyway, Chuck was a big part of life on our dorm floor. He was also
responsible for a lot of the changes that Bradley made to accomodate
folks with handicaps -- they just weren't set up for it, and there
weren't many laws on the books at the that time. One of the things
that BU did was to designate at least one handicap parking spot
by each dorm -- very helpful in the winter, when the snow made it
tough to get around in a wheelchair.
One day, a few folks from our dorm floor were on their way back
from classes, when they spotted some guy in an MG pulling into
the handicap spot outside our dorm. They asked him not to park
there, as there were other available spaces...but he, uh...declined.
A short discussion held upstairs revealed that this was not the
first time this particular vehicle had been parked there...
Shortly afterwards, a large number of irate guys from our dorm floor
caused the MG to leave its parking space -- vertically -- in the
process of being relocated to a spot that we, oops, they, felt would
be better suited. This new spot was about forty feet away, on a
small grass terrace about 2-3 feet higher and separated from
the parking lot by a concrete retaining wall and an ornamental
wrought iron fence. The car fit quite nicely, with a few feet
to spare around each side.
Since some of our dorm room windows overlooked the spot, we were
able to observe the driver's reaction when he came back. I think
Spock's term, "fascinating", best describes it. Even more "fascinating"
were the various techniques employed by the folks who tried to
help him remove it.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 92 16:35:59 -0500
From: Joel B Levin <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: ultimate rejection slip
To: spaf
[The following appeared in response to the "mother of all rejection
slips" in misc.writing. -- /JBL]
Newsgroups: misc.writing
From: argent@iastate.edu (The Great Grendel-Khan)
Subject: Re: The ultimate rejection slip
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1992 04:47:22 GMT
In article <1992Dec16.150526.1@ducvax.auburn.edu> wkeown@ducvax.auburn.edu writes:
>
> I found this article on rec.humor.funny (moderated by Maddi Hausmann)
>and thought this group could truly appreciate it.
. . .
> We have read your manuscript with boundless delight.
. . .
[repeated matter removed -- /JBL]
How about this one?
I fugure he was having a bad day, and I won't even say what magazine
sent me this (I have it hanging on my wall).
I can almost see why you would waste your time by writing
this, but I cannot even comprehend why you would waste mine,
by sending it to me.
sincerely,
[sig deleted]
Hand written too.
[Fugure? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 18:08:42 EST
From: Wes Huang <Wesley_H_Huang@LINNAEUS.TASKS.CS.CMU.EDU>
Subject: undergraduates too?
The paraphrasing I've heard around here is more like:
`The problem with graduate students [in general] is that they have to sleep every
few days.'
This is a quote from Red Whittaker, the director of the Field Robotics Center at
Carnegie Mellon University, who is currently in Antarctica trying to send a rush
job of a robot down into Mt. Erebus (an active volcano)! Surprisingly, none of
his graduate students have changed advisors since this quote came out, however,
one of them is down in Antarctica with him...
------------------------------
Date: 23 Dec 92 10:30:35 GMT
From: les@sail.stanford.edu (Les Earnest)
Subject: Whoosh -- splat!!
Newsgroups: rec.bicycles.tech,rec.bicycles.misc
One week ago today, I had a somewhat bizarre conversation with a helmet
designer from whom I was seeking information. I reached him by phone
in his laboratory and, after a couple of minutes of discussion, we
were interrupted by a loud, sustained sound at his end, followed by
an impact. After the noise subsided, he said "That was great! We
have a new sled that we are using to test helmets."
I asked him how it worked and he explained that they put a helmet on a
cadaver head with an accelerometer mounted in the center of the brain,
then fire it into a wall to see what kind of accelerations they get
inside the skull. They use it to evaluate alternative designs and
liner materials. When I asked if that didn't sometimes damage the
heads, he said, "Yea, we've used up four so far today." After another
minute or two of discussion, I let him get back to his fun,
recognizing that Christmas had come early for them.
Upon further reflection, that does seem like a good application for
used heads. I might even let them have mine when I'm through with it.
I figure that I'm hard-headed enough to break their accelerometer,
which would be a fun way to finish off.
Just another warm-and-fuzzy Christmas story.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 1992 23:27:40 -0600
From: cdash@herky.cs.uiowa.edu (Charles M. Shub)
Subject: Winter Simulation Conference Keynote this week.
To: spaf
Keynoter Jim Henriksen (one of 4 keynoters) observed that we were
lucky that programmers and composers are different. Otherwise we
might be singing Handel's Messiah, version 1.4 and we might be
wondering if Beethoven's 9th symphony was a new release or merely a
cost free upgrade from the 8th.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Dec 92 12:17:46 -0800
From: Lou Fernandez <lff@sequent.com>
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #62
To: spaf
Gene,
Most if not all of the last item from Yucks v2 i62 (excerpted below)
should be attributed to Dave Berry. I can't cite the reference but I
predict someone else will.
Yucks Digest Sat, 19 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 62
Date: Sun, 29 Sep 91 18:10 EDT
From: YAWP <VWANG@LUCY.WELLCO.BITNET>
To: [a long chain for forwarding mailers]
Men and Women are not alike.
<etc.>
[So, let's give credit where credit is due. Anybody have the
reference? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Dec 92 11:54:34 PST
From: brent_auernheimer@csufresno.edu
Subject: yucks possibilities
To: spaf
Spaf -- here's some stuff from ``Harper's Index'' that you can edit
and use as you see fit or unfit. I think it's almost worth a $15/year
subscription to get a page of this stuff every month.
Fine levied on Rockwell International in June 1992 for environmental
violations at the Rocky Flats weapons plant: $18.5M
"Performance bonuses" the DoE paid Rockwell for the last three years it
operated the plant: $22.6M
Percentage of first-year college students who say they favor drug testing
in the workplace: 81
Number of visitors each year to the Museum of Questionable Medical Devices,
in Minneapolis: 6,000
Number of bull castrations Mississippi State's football coach made his
team watch last fall as a "motivational" experience: 1
Average price of an ounce of cow gallstones in South Africa: $285
Percentage of American vegitarians who say they eat red meat once
each week: 10
Decrease, since 1980, in the average number of hours an American spends
in a shopping mall each month: -5
Average number of cleat-dents made in each square foot of playing field
during a professional football game: 56
Number of peanuts, per capita, the US government allows to be imported
each year: 2
Percentage of all Nintendo users who are over the age of 18: 42
Percentage of American households in which no books were bought last
year: 60
Number of PhD's hired to "develop" carrot sticks for McDonald's: 45
Percentage of the members of Taiwan's cabinet who have PhDs from American
universities: 43
Percentage of US [Bush's] cabinet members who have PhDs: 0
Days it would take to exhaust Ross Perot's fortune if it were used
to pay the interest on the federal deficit: 5.7
Bonus the Cinese government pays selected scholars and scientists
each month to discourage emigrations: $20
Percentage of French women who do not view being asked to undress for a
job interview as sexual harassment: 20
Percentage of male colleg students who believe that life is a
"meaningless existential hell": 27
Percentage of female college students who say they would rather have sex
with Harry Connick Jr, than Axl Rose: 76
Number of wisdom teeth extracted from Americans last year: 9.337M
Percentage of Japanese graduating high-school seniors who have taken at
least six years of English-language classes: 100
Sales of Tupperware in Japan last year: $100M
Number of years since the percentage of Americans describing themselves
as "happy" was at it's peak: 19
Percentage of Americans who think "espresso" is an "overnight
delivery system": 7
Percentage of Americans who don't know how long it takes to hard-boil a
chicken egg: 74
Percentage of Americans who say they are "excellent" or "very good"
cooks: 63
Number of US universities that offer a marketing degree with a specialty
in golf management: 3
Miles of fiber-optic cable laid last year, worlwide: 150,416
Percentage of cellular phone users who say their phone has improved
their marriage: 54
Amount the city of Los Angeles spent last year on a fingerprint-reading
system to catch welfare cheats: $2,282,740
Number of offendered that have been caught so far [March 1992]: 11
[I hope that last one is a typo -- I can't find "offendered" in my
dictionaries. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Dec 92 18:13:18 -0500
From: mgfrank@avernus.com (Marc G. Frank)
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
> I am really puzzled by this. Someone else reported getting two blank
> replies, but I can't see why it would happen and I also can't figure
> out how to reproduce the error.
>
> Let's just blame sunspots.
I'm leaning towards phase of the moon, myself. I just tried running a
program I wrote and it didn't do a darned thing. It was working just
fine last week. Guess I'll have to go sacrifice a chicken.
[Some of my students still think this is the way to debug too. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Dec 1992 14:15:53 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
To: Yucks
I just happened to do a "finger" on someone's account and got quite a few
great quotes. I've enclosed them for your possible amusement.
[seeger@cis.ufl.edu]
Login name: seeger In real life: F. L. Charles Seeger
Office: 354 CSE, x2-1508
Directory: /cis/thedon0/seeger Shell: /bin/csh
Last login Wed Sep 23 18:16 on ttyp2 from buoy.cis.ufl.edu
Project:
Plan:
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
-- Dave Olson
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that
would also stop you from doing clever things. -- Doug Gwyn
There is nothing worse than a feature that is useless because it acts [in]
different ways on different platforms. -- John F. Haugh II
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
-- Joseph Campbell
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given
tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than
it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).
-- Doug Gwyn
So much work to do, so few adults to do it. -- Paul Pomes
Another day's useless energy spent. -- The Moody Blues
Whatever we see, wherever we go,
It's perfectly clear how little we know. -- Pete Ham, Badfinger
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his
own facts. -- Patrick Moynihan
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------