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Yucks Digest V2 #62
Yucks Digest Sat, 19 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 62
Today's Topics:
Food Trick variation
Getting the right phone number
Repacking Hubs with White Lithium Grease
tigers
TV CLOSE-UP June Foray
unix without words
Want ads (From NetWit Digest)
Why climbing is better than sex
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 10 May 92 19:25:20 EDT
From: [lost somewhere along the way]
Subject: Food Trick variation
To: eniac
Well, now that you've mentioned flour and air as being explosive, it
reminds me of what a friend once tried in a large, 5-story stairwell
in college. It was a large courtyard-like stair, with plenty of room
on the inside. On the ground floor, he lit a candle. From the fifth
floor balcony, he leaned over with a double handfull of non-dairy
creamer, and gradually sifted just the tiniest threads of it down
toward the waiting candle. Just as he judged the first particles of
dust had descended to the flame, he dropped the remaining powder and
stepped back -- just in time to avoid being singed by the resulting
fireball.
Most impressive. Try it at home! -- *NOT!*
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 4 May 92 18:18:40 PDT
From: landman%xpoint@uunet.UU.NET (Howard Landman)
Subject: Getting the right phone number
To: eniac
On moving into my new house, I had to get 2 new phone numbers. I tend to
prefer numbers that spell something. I followed the procedure outlined
below and, as a result, now have the following numbers:
Main: (408) CHORTLE
Computer: (408) CHIPSYN
I liked chortle because any word of Lewis Carroll's is a word of mine.
ChipSyn is appropriate because I mostly do silicon compilation and
logic synthesis for a living.
How did I manage this? It's not too hard ...
HOW TO GET THE PHONE NUMBER OF YOUR DREAMS (in 8 easy steps)
1. Determine the list of available prefixes. The phone company will
happily provide you with this.
2. Ignore all prefixes which contain 0 or 1. There are no letters which
correspond to them. (However, you may want to consider them in step
5 below.)
3. Edit the "prefixes" program (appended below) to match your set of
prefixes. You may also need to change the path to Perl if your
system has it somewhere else. Make it executable with "chmod +x prefixes".
4. Run "prefixes YOUR_PREFIXES > prefixes.out". For example, if your
available prefixes are 555 and 234 (usually it is a much longer list),
run "prefixes 555 234 > prefixes.out". Order of the prefixes has no
effect, as they get sorted anyway. It is most efficient to do all of
your prefixes in one run, since the dictionary then only needs to be
consulted once.
5. Edit the prefixes.out file. It contains not only all 7-letter words
which match valid prefixes, but also shorter words that might *begin*
a combination of words that match a number. For example, the output
of "prefixes 779" is:
779- pry,spy,SSW
779-24 psych
779-243 psyche
779-2442 psychic
779-246 psycho
"psychic" is the only complete word match, but other combinations may be
suggested, such as "pry-open", "psycho-1", or "spy-hole". For each
partial, either come up with one or more combinations that you like, or
delete it. Also, see if any of the prefixes suggest good non-word
possibilities. For example, "248" might suggest "248-1632". Don't
forget that simple repetition is mnemonic, so that, for example, a
number like "248-8888" would be easy to remember. You now have a list
of phone numbers.
6. In a better world, the phone company would let you submit an arbitrary
list of numbers and give you the first one on the list that is available.
Unfortunately, to save themselves work, they restrict you to a maximum
of ten tries, after which they just assign you a number. Since your list
at this point is likely MUCH longer than ten numbers, you need to prescreen
them first. Begin with all numbers on your list unmarked:
a. Pick the best unmarked number and call it. The best time to do this
is in the middle of the day, when you are unlikely to wake anyone up.
b. If it rings, it's in service. Hang up and mark it as in use. If the
word is REALLY good, you can stay on the line and tell the person who
answers what a great number they have and why. I did that for "chuckle",
which turned out to be someone at a bank. Made her whole day.
c. If you get a "not in service" or "that number has been changed" message,
you've hit paydirt. Mark the number as available.
d. Repeat a,b,c until you have at least two and not more than ten available
numbers.
7. Sort your list of available numbers, most desirable first.
8. Call up the phone company and order your phone service, asking for the
most desirable number. Hear the person express amazement when your first
choice is acceptable! (The main chance of failure is if the number got
assigned since you tried it. In that case, give your next most desirable
number.)
--------------------- Save following as "prefixes" ---------------------
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
#
# This program searches for words which are also phone numbers which
# have one of a set of specified prefixes.
#
# Written and placed in the public domain by Howard A. Landman
#
if (@ARGV) {
@prefixes = @ARGV ;
} else {
# Ignore 241,261 since there are no letter for 1.
@prefixes = (236,243,244,246,247,248,249,296,345,553,554,575,984,985,983) ;
}
$letters[0] = '' ;
$letters[1] = '' ;
$letters[2] = 'abc' ;
$letters[3] = 'def' ;
$letters[4] = 'ghi' ;
$letters[5] = 'jkl' ;
$letters[6] = 'mno' ;
$letters[7] = 'prs' ;
$letters[8] = 'tuv' ;
$letters[9] = 'wxy' ;
# This information is redundant, but it was faster to type it in than
# to code the loop to generate it from @letters.
$number{'a'} = 2 ;
$number{'b'} = 2 ;
$number{'c'} = 2 ;
$number{'d'} = 3 ;
$number{'e'} = 3 ;
$number{'f'} = 3 ;
$number{'g'} = 4 ;
$number{'h'} = 4 ;
$number{'i'} = 4 ;
$number{'j'} = 5 ;
$number{'k'} = 5 ;
$number{'l'} = 5 ;
$number{'m'} = 6 ;
$number{'n'} = 6 ;
$number{'o'} = 6 ;
$number{'p'} = 7 ;
$number{'r'} = 7 ;
$number{'s'} = 7 ;
$number{'t'} = 8 ;
$number{'u'} = 8 ;
$number{'v'} = 8 ;
$number{'w'} = 9 ;
$number{'x'} = 9 ;
$number{'y'} = 9 ;
foreach $p (@prefixes)
{
$is_a_prefix{$p} = 1 ;
}
open(DICT,'/usr/dict/words') ;
while (<DICT>)
{
chop ;
next if (7 < length) ; # word is too long for a phone #.
$Word = $_ ;
# lowercase and convert to digits
($word = $Word) =~ tr/A-Z/a-z/ ;
@c = split(//,$word) ;
@n = grep($_ = $number{$_},@c) ; # using grep as mapcar
next if (scalar(@n) != scalar(@c)) ; # some illegal letter
# check against prefixes
$prefix = join('',@n[0..2]) ;
if ($is_a_prefix{$prefix})
{
# build number (with hyphen)
$number = join('',$prefix,'-',@n[3..6]) ;
# one number may equal more than one word, so append
$word{$number} .= "$Word," ;
}
}
foreach $number (sort keys %word)
{
$Words = $word{$number} ;
chop $Words ; # chop trailing comma
print "$number\t$Words\n" ;
}
------------------------------
Date: 6 May 92 23:26:12 GMT
From: robishaw@orion.lrmsc.loral.com (Gary Robishaw x5960)
Subject: Repacking Hubs with White Lithium Grease
Newsgroups: rec.bicycles
In article <0095A10D.C2522D60@FHYDRA.FYSEL.UNIT.NO> dahls@fhydra.dnet.unit.no (Joern Yngve Dahl-Stamnes) writes:
>Thus spoke the keyboard of Stewart Fleming:
>>
>>Ah, so THAT's what the (female) sales assistant meant
>>when I ordered grease and retainers and she asked
>>"Do you have balls, sir ?"
>
>Just wonder - what answer did the female sales assistant got when she asked
>you the question? ;-)
>
Reminds me of the time I took my very stright-laced boss to a machine shop to
have some work done on the crankshaft of an engine he was re-building. He
walked up to the receptionist and announced in a loud voice, "I'm here to get
my crank polished." She replied, without looking up or missing a chew on her
bubble gum, "Well, just pull it out honey, and I'll give you an estimate."
He turned a briliant shade of red and stammered his way through the rest of
the episode. She carried on like a real trooper and never batted an eye or
cracked a grin. I, on the other hand, was beside myself trying (successfully)
to keep from laughing out loud. His first words to me on leaving the shop were,
"Not a word, not a God damn word!" That's when I finally lost it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 05 May 92 16:08:55 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: tigers
>I concur. My big tiger claim to fame is getting sprayed by a rather restless
>Siberian tiger at the Dallas Zoo. Great distance effect, and quite a surprise.
>And no, I wasn't standing behind it - until it suddenly turned around.
Shows to go ya - I didn't know tigers did this. Lions certainly do. They
do it if they like you. I found this out the predictable hard way when
I was acting as backup (the guy with the applewood cane) to someone else
who was feeding thelions. I was outside the cage, watching the proceedings,
when a lioness came up the bars and sniffed me, then turned away. I looked
away at that point, and the next thing I knew, about a half-gallon of...
liquid was soaking into my blue jeans. It didn't smell bad, but I
was certainly surprised by the trajectory - dead level backwards.
The amusing part as far as I was concerned was when I got home. At that
time we had two Siberian huskys in the back yard, and when I came out
to feed them, still wearing the pants (they'd dried by then - it was
hours before I got home), they came up to me and _glued_ their noses
to my leg. Now, no husky stays still for more than about ten seconds
unless something fascinating is going on, but these two just stood there
for so long that a milky haze began to form just above each doggish
head, and I could dimly see a thought balloon form above each as the
sniffing continued. In the baloon was the hazy image of a housecat
the size of an elephant.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 May 92 22:28:55 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: TV CLOSE-UP June Foray
To: yucks-request
By Michael Phillips Copley News Service
Interview June Foray, and you can count on it: At some point she'll
call you "dahlink."
Maybe you'll recognize the voice. She's the voice of Natasha
Fatale, Rocky the Flying Squirrel, Dudley Do-Right's Nell Fenwick,
Tweety Bird's Granny, Cindy Lou Who of "How the Grinch Stole
Christmas!" not to mention the narrator of the Playboy Channel's
"Art of Sensual Massage."
Foray entered the business "completely inadvertently."
Her story goes something like this:
Born in Springfield, Mass., Foray grew up a voracious lover of
books. Her sister and brother read a lot, too.
"Dad had a lot of money, and then he lost it during the Depression
when we were little bitty kids," Foray says. "So we lived hand to
mouth. In a very genteel fashion, of course."
The Forays moved to California while June was still a teen-ager.
She started in radio, writing and voicing all the parts in a local Los
Angeles show called "Lady Make-Believe." Then she started screaming.
Foray doesn't recall the title, but her first film gig was a
Paramount B-picture that "had something to do with Burma." For $25 a
day, she did some looping supplying screams for actresses with
insufficient lung power, supplying baby cries, and lip-synching other
roles.
"I thought, boy, if I can make $100, $125 a week for the rest of
my life, I'll really be happy."
From there, radio: Foray provided all kinds of voices for Danny
Thomas, Bob Hope, Jimmy Durante, Phil Harris, Steve Allen. Capitol
Records then put Foray under contract, along with Stan Freberg, Mel
Blanc and Daws Butler. She did plenty of live television, too.
But then she started doing voices for Walt Disney and Warner
Brothers animation projects. First up was Lucifer the Cat in Disney's
"Cinderella" (1950). And before she could say bibbidi bobbidi boo,
Foray had established herself as one of animation's prime versatile
vocal talents.
Since she was 6, she wanted to be either a princess or an actress.
"It was much more practical to be an actress," Foray says.
She's done her share of princess voices over the years as well.
Lately she did a Fairy Queen for Don Bluth's "Thumbelina" "a
straight voice," according to Foray.
As opposed to Natasha Fatale, Boris Badenov's Pottsylvanian partner
in Cold War trickery. The two incarnations of the Rocky and Bullwinkle
show ran from 1959-1964, fueled by Jay Ward and chief writer Bill
Scott, who cranked out some breathlessly hilarious episodes, predating
"The Simpsons" in their sly multi-age appeal. (They're now available
on video, along with Ward's "George of the Jungle," for which Foray
did the voice of Ursula, and "Tom Slick," featuring Foray as
Marigold).
"We recorded at least once, twice a week," Foray remembers of the
"Bullwinkle" episodes, "around 5:30 or 6. We'd do five segments at
one time. Jay Ward loved to laugh. He laughed at anything even
slightly funny. So he'd be in the control room, while Bill Conrad and
Paul Frees and Daws Butler and I would kid around, laugh ourselves to
death, practically. Then when we read the scripts, they just tickled
us so! Recording was almost incidental, we had so much fun.
"And you can tell."
On radio, television and film, especially in the '40s and '50s,
Foray created her share of ethnic voices: Mexican, Irish, Cockney,
African-American. She feels "uncomfortable" looking back at some of
those potentially stereotypical voices today. She also feels
conflicted on the issue: "I do a helluva good Latino (voice), and
there's no reason I shouldn't do one. I'm an actor."
Matter of sensitivity aside, Foray has been lucky enough to be
consistently employed. Today she can be heard as Jokey Smurf on "The
Smurfs," Grammi Gummi on "The Gummi Bears," Grandma Howard on
"Teen Wolf," Ma Beagle on "Duck Tales," and on "Garfield" as
various supporting voices.
In recent years she's toured the world, accepting awards for her
contributions to the animation genre and speaking at festivals.
On the phone, certainly, Foray can run with it but good: She'll
slip in and out of a dozen different voices, without turning the
interview into an audition. She's sunny and upbeat without undue
self-promotion. And she's genuinely grateful for her luck.
"For doing something completely inadvertently, doing something
that just came my way ... I just feel very fortunate."
Little did young June Foray know that mimicking people's voices,
which came easily, would lead to this. Was there ever a time, as a kid
or as an adult, when she got into trouble for such mimicry?
Nah, she says. "I have a nice sense of humor, but I don't play
tricks on people."
Then Natasha gets on the line: "Except when I haf to, dahlink."
------------------------------
From: cj@eno.corp.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Subject: unix without words
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
During one particularly vitriolic flame war about
the uselessness of documentation, I wrote the following
proposal. I never posted it, because I am a coward.
I finally post it here, for your edification.
Subject: UNIX ohne Worter
Well! I've been completely convinced by the arguments
presented here on the uselessness of documentation. In
fact, I've become convinced that documentation is a drug,
and that my dependence on it is artificial. I can overcome
my addiction, with professional help.
And what's more, I feel morally obliged to cease peddling
this useless drug for a living. I've decided to go back to
math grad school to reeducate myself, and get out of this
parasitic profession.
Perhaps it just reveals the depth of my addiction to documentation,
but I do see the need for SGI to ship *one* document with [our
next release]. I see this book as transitional only. We can
eliminate it for [the following release].
Here's my proposal:
TITLE: "UNIX without Words"
AUDIENCE: The UNIX novice.
OVERVIEW: Gives a general strategy for approaching UNIX
without documentation. Presents generalizable
principles useful for deciphering any operating
system without the crutch of documentation.
CONTENTS:
INTRO: overview of the 'no doc' philosophy
why manuals are evil
why man pages are evil
why you should read this book despite the above
"this is the last manual you'll EVER read!"
CHAP 1: guessing which commands are likely to exist
CHAP 2: guessing what they're likely to be called
unpredictable acronyms the UNIX way
usage scenario: "grep"
CHAP 3: guessing what options they might take
deciphering cryptic usage messages
usage scenario: "tar"
guessing when order is important
usage scenario: SYSV "find"
CHAP 4: figuring out when it worked: silence on success
recovering from errors
CHAP 5: the oral tradition: your friend
CHAP 6: obtaining & maintaining a personal UNIX guru
feeding your guru
keeping your guru happy
the importance of full news feeds
why your guru needs the fastest/whizziest machine available
free Coke: the elixir of your guru's life
maintaining your guru's health
when DO they sleep?
CHAP 7: troubleshooting: when your guru won't speak to you
identifying stupid questions
safely asking stupid questions
CHAP 8: accepting your stress
coping with failure
Now that I think about it, maybe only chapters 6 & 7 are
really necessary. Yeah, that's the ticket: we'll call it
"The UNIX Guru Maintenance Manual."
------------------------------
Date: 10 May 92 19:25:20 EDT
From: Dave Berger <davebe@sco.COM>
Subject: Want ads (From NetWit Digest)
>A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food
expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
>Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
>For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
>Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
>Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an
extra pair to take home, too.
>For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
>Great Dames for sale.
>Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
>Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
>Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
>Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
>The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts,
comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
>Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
>Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so
serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
>Stock up and save. Limit: one.
>Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
>Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
>Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
>Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
>Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
>Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
>3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
>Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced
yard, meals, and smacks included.
>Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
>Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try
us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
>Illiterate? Write today for free help.
>Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round
bottom for efficient beating.
>Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
>Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
>And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
>We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
And these beauties from the radio:
>Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
>Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed
to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
>When you are thirsty, try 7-Up,the refreshing drink in
the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
>Tune in next week for another series of classical music
programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 6 May 92 15:29:53 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Why climbing is better than sex
To: spaf
[ Pruned from rec.climbing ]
Glossary
--------
cleaning - removing protection
flash - climb without falling
friends - a type of protection
pitch - segment of a climb
protection - anything used anchor your rope to prevent you from dying
nuts - another type of protection
From: olsond@am@ebh800
* Friction is a positive quality.
* The rocks never expect you to call afterward.
* No matter how many times you fall off, you can always climb back on.
* A hand jam in the crack can be as satisfying as any other kind of crack jam.
* You can get belayed without first bekissing.
* There IS such a thing as being too overhung.
* You can reuse your protection, and someone else even cleans for you,
provided you don't put it in too deep.
* If you climb with someone other than your regular partner, no one gets mad,
in fact, you can all three climb together and share protection.
From: byrnes@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (John Byrnes)
* The rocks don't care if you show up late.
* The rocks don't complain after 7 or 8 pitches.
* When you're climbing, a good two-finger jam will support your body weight.
* When you're climbing, weird body positions are considered "cool."
* You can't "on-sight flash" a woman.
* Your partner doesn't complain when you don't want to do cracks anymore.
From: ilana@kiowa.scd.ucar.edu (Ilana Stern)
Why Climbing is Better than Sex (a woman's perspective):
* The rock is always hard.
* Rocks are never busy watching football when you'd rather climb.
* Rocks don't complain about the kind of protection you want to use.
* You can go climbing with another woman and nobody will call
you names or hassle you.
* You can use ropes and nobody will think you're kinky.
* You can go climbing any time of the month.
* It's over when *you* reach the peak.
* You won't die of embarrassment if your mother finds your rock gear.
* If it's in too deep, you can yank on a nut.
* Nobody ever got pregnant rock climbing!
And a few others:
* It's OK if you just want to watch.
* You don't have to use protection if you don't want to.
* It's alright to use your friends.
* You can place your nuts anywhere you'd like.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Sep 91 18:10 EDT
From: YAWP <VWANG@LUCY.WELLCO.BITNET>
To: [a long chain for forwarding mailers]
Men and Women are not alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive
proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged:
RELATIONSHIPS:
First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to
it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then
she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup
- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted
you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and
I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's
always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You"
drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her
place as part of the foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely
work out.
HATS:
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
COMEDY:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching tele-
vision, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately,
the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously, and even
try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's"
and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when
she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
BATHROOMS:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving crewam, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy
and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and
buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon,
and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time he reaches the checkout counter,
his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or-less lane.
GOING OUT:
When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready
to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on
her makeup...
SHOES:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then
slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic
bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress
shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are
under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing
the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time
she wants.
A man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the
Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny
surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head...
GARAGES:
Women use garages to parke their cars and to store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages,
they watch TV in garages, and they build useless wooden things in garages.
MOVIES:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien
Leigh for the first time in "Gone With The Wind."
For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clark's face
in "Public Enemy."
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than
that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree
of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses,
a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an
expensive foreign sports car.
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone
to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home,
she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
LOW BLOWS:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television,
and one of the fighters is felled by a low blow.
The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt."
The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
DIRECTIONS:
If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and
ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and,
"I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."
ADMITTING MISTAKES:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was Gen. George Custer.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works out at the health club and dates only married women.
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NUDITY IN MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This
is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
DAVID LETTERMAN:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics, and often produce better-looking shots.
POLITICS:
Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political
things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up
and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract
terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do
his laundry. Wehn he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat, and expect to meet a beautiful woman while he is there.
WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
CHEERLEADERS:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have
pictures of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older,
their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of
mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and
blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on
command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at
least six "D" batteries to operate.
PLANTS:
A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man will water the plants.
The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
MUSTACHES:
Some men look good with mustaches: Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
NICKNAMES:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names
like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave and Jack go out for a brewski, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
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End of Yucks Digest
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