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Yucks Digest V2 #61 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Mon, 14 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 61
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
... once more and he gets the chair
BIOLOGICAL ALCHEMY
congratulations
dumplings
Facts of Life
Great software
International Flames, Reduction of
latest notw
NOTW (2 msgs)
Other Important Relics Dept. (was French Oil) (2 msgs)
Publication Ban on Page 1
Seen in the WSJ
submission for Yucks
t.b on public enemy
the "mother of all rejection slips"
The 24-Stage Software Test
The Three Bears
The Wandering Bard's Beowulf
TOP 10 FAILED FISHER-PRICE TOYS
Twyla Tharp
What happens when you work all-night...
What is Object-Oriented Programming?
where do I sign up?
yuck!
Yucks Digest Submission
Yucks Digest V2 #58 (mixed length items)
*** IMPORTANT DISCOVERY ***
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon Dec 14 23:31:44 EST 1992
From: spaf
Subject: Administriva
I'll dip back into the backlong with the next Yucks issue. These are
all current.
Note that the final one in this issue, the one labeled "*** IMPORTANT
DISCOVERY ***", will probably be considered very rude by most people.
We're talking pretty deviant. However, the included riposte struck
two readers as funny enough to forward this to me, and I also found it
amusing.
So, be warned. Skip the last one if you are likely to be offended.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Dec 92 13:05:38 -0500
From: hosking@osf.org
Subject: ... once more and he gets the chair
To: spaf
>From The Evening Telegram, 11/7/92:
DEARBORN, Mich (AP)
A police corporal was suspended and ordered to undergo psychiatric
evaluation because he writes the number seven with a line through the
downstroke.
Brian Yinger said he tried to break the habit when he was ordered to
six months ago but was brought before a department disciplinary board
when he forgot while writing some reports.
"The way he was writing them was confusing to the typist," said Police
Chief Robert Deziel. "He defied the order to stop. He was told he would
face disciplinary action."
The board suspended Yinger without pay for three days. He was also
ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluation to determine whether the
old sevens are out of his system.
"I've been making these sevens for 30 years," said Yinger, who
returned to work Thursday after his suspension. "I've never had a
problem before."
------------------------------
Date: 8 Dec 92 21:57:01 GMT
From: black@lester.sybase.com (Chris Black)
Subject: BIOLOGICAL ALCHEMY
Newsgroups: sci.med
If you POST with your COMPUTER TURNED OFF and a COPPER WIRE
around your left foot, your posting will reach EVEN MORE PEOPLE
than if you turned your computer on. Contrary to currently
accepted physics and informatics the SPREAD OF INFORMATION is
fueled by the UNIVERSAL LIFE FORCE from the ground as CHANNELLED
by the COPPER WIRE. This spread is HAMPERED by ELECTRICITY!!!
IRON WIRE of greater than 13 guage will ROT-13 your postings.
DO NOT USE ANY OTHER METAL THAN IRON OR COPPER. Other metals
will impede or even REVERSE the flow of the UNIVERSAL LIFE
FORCE.
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Dec 92 20:49 EST
From: * <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:MARTIN@SCRANTON>
Subject: congratulations
To: SPAF
[The following was in response to mail telling Dennis about our new
house, and our pending status as parents come July 4. --spaf]
Kathy and Gene:
Congratulations and best wishes on both the house and the expectation.
I would like to offer a modest suggestion on possible names.
For a child born on the 4th of July, consider calling him Cohan, after
the great George M., the original Yankee Doodle Dandy. And if it's a
girl, call her Carmen. Don't worry which one you use, most kids don't
know if they are Carmen or Cohan.
We no longer let our cat answer the phone. He buys everything they try
to sell. We are getting tired of having to pay for swamp land in Jersey
and in-home estimates for psychic repairs. We also had to disconnect
our 900-number access after the last phone bill. We are afraid to find
out what the bills are for. After all, he has been fixed.
[It's nice to know that Dennis is still not a well person. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 10:40:49 PST
From: Patrick Chu 3605 <chu@ws067.torreypinesca.NCR.COM>
Subject: dumplings
To: spaf
A note I received from a friend of mine (Geoff Davis <davisg@acf9.nyu.edu>)
I did not take part in this activity.
=====
Hey, y'all --
I've just survived the first annual Courant Institute of
Mathematical Sciences fried pork dumpling eating contest! In true
Cool Hand Luke style, we all sat down at Chef Ho's Excellent Dumpling
House on Pell Street (official home of the Chinese Mafia) and consumed
some 400 or so dumplings in a big orgy of grease and hot sesame oil.
For those of you who have not yet experienced the phenomenon of fried
pork dumplings, they're about the size of a hard boiled egg and have
about twice the cholesterol. We then went for ice cream.
For all you potential competitors, I've attached the official
scores and score keeping procedures from our official referee, Antonio
Paras:
Hey guys:
Here is the proposition for the way the bill is going to be
distributed at the `PIG OF THE YEAR' contest:
10 = # of contestants
Xi = # of dumplings the i'th best eater ate.
X1 = 55 X5 = 40 X9 = 31
X2 = 51 X6 = 34 X10 = 25
X3 = 48 X7 = 32
X4 = 45 X8 = 32
1=HARTOSH
2=PAT
3=YOSHI
4=MARCUS
5=ANTONIO
6=SERGIO
7=KEN
8=GEOFF
9=CHRIS
10=HECTOR
Yi = (Xn-Xi)^0.72 = distance in dumplings from winner
Y1 = 0 Y5 = 7.072 Y9 = 9.857
Y2 = 2.713 Y6 = 8.954 Y10 = 11.575
Y3 = 4.059 Y7 = 9.560
Y4 = 5.248 Y8 = 9.560
D = Y1 + Y2 + ... + Y10
D = 68.553
Pi = Percentage i'th eater pays
Pi = Yi/D
P1 = 0.0% P5 = 10.3% P9 = 14.4%
P2 = 4.0% P6 = 13.1% P10 = 16.9%
P3 = 5.9% P7 = 13.9%
P4 = 7.7% P8 = 13.9%
So you pay according to what you don't eat.
Total for this dumpling sesion was:
$195
Your share:
1=HARTOSH = $0
2=PAT = $8
3=YOSHI = $12
4=MARCUS = $15
5=ANTONIO = $20
6=SERGIO = $25
7=KEN = $27
8=GEOFF = $27
9=CHRIS = $28
10=HECTOR = $33
[Some people have too much time on their hands. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 08:29:51 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Facts of Life
To: yucks
FACTS OF LIFE from Men's Health 12/92
1. If you live in Hawaii, you have a 1.7 percent chance of living to be
100 - the best odds in the U.S.
2. Men who burned 2,000 or more calories a week (the amount used in
running about 20 miles a week) added about two years to their lives
according to a large study.
3. Prostate cancer now exceeds lung cancer as the most commonly diagnosed
cancer among American men.
4. Every day there are at least 100 million acts of sexual intercourse,
resulting in 910,000 conceptions and 365,000 cases of sexually trans-
mitted diseases.
5. Men who snore are six times more likely to have a car accident than
those who don't.
6. Thirty-nine percent of highschool dropouts smoke, compared with only
13 percent of college graduates.
[I guess if you're doing #2, you're probably too tired for #4, which
may help with #3, although it seems #5 fits in there somewhere. jw]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Dec 92 17:31:37 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Great software
To: eniac
In my mail today was a sale flier from Dolphin Software. They had a
special deal on some of their software packages for the holidays.
Here's one that I'm sure you'll want to purchase based on the
description in the sale flier:
Mayan Calendrics
----------------
Comverts Maya long count and tzolkin/haab dates to and from Western
dates (both Gregorian and Julian calendars are supported). Allows
specification of the correlation number (Thompson's is the default)
and the year-bearer system (three options). Identifies all Western
dates within a specified period corresponding to a given tzolkin/haab
date. The Maya calendrical program used by Maya scholars. Version 3.33.
Only $64.
Order from Dolphin Software
4815 W. Braker Ln.
#502
Austin, TX 78759
How can they manage to market it at this cost you ask? Volume!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1992 22:08:43 GMT
From: mel@maddog.ece.nd.edu (Melvin Gladstone)
Subject: International Flames, Reduction of
All these international flames are really not in the
X-mas spirit. I think we should all say something nice
about the other countries. I'll start:
1. England: Churchill Downs - site of many great things (something
to do with horses, I think).
2. Italy: The leading tower of pizza - place where, millenia ago, Roman
soldiers created a wonderful new dish with tomatoes and crust.
3. Australia: Mel Gibson - who could forget Mad Max Headroom.
^^^
4. Norway: Fords - where would modern manufacturing be w/o assembly lines?
5. Canada: Minnesota - land of a thousand lakes, also Coors.
6. Sweden: That knife w/ many blades - indespensible
There, now that wasn't so hard.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Dec 1992 18:45 CST
From: The Joker <RAESIDE2447@iscsvax.uni.edu>
Subject: latest notw
To: spaf
NOTW
By Chuck Shepherd
Universal Press Syndicate C 1992
Among recent new products: Ren and Stimpy dolls, which break wind when their
stomachs are squeezed; frozen microvave dinners for dogs (including baked
lamb); and trading cards imprinted with the actual, but inactive, DNA of famous
people sealed inside a hologram (from StarGene of San Rafael, Calif.).
In October, biologists at China's Northwest University in Xian reported finding
a 77-pound slimeball floating on a river in Shaanxi province. According to the
scientists, the slimeball, a pure white fungus, gained 22 pounds in the first
three days the scientists observed it, and has the ability to move across the
ground on its own.
Three maintenance workers in Alexandria, Ind., fixed a massive street-flooding
problem in October when they pulled a 200-pound hairball from a manhole. Said
one of the men, "We thought we had a goat."
A 38 year-old man, unidentified in news reports, was hopitalized in Princeton,
W. Va., in October with gunshot wounds. He had been drinking beer and reported
accidentally shooting himself three times -- as he attempted to clean each of
his three guns. He said the first shot didn't hurt, the second "stung a
little," and the third "really hurt," prompting him to call an ambulance.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Dec 92 11:25:02 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
In September, the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported
the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in
Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent
more business. The neurologist who conducted the stury predicted that the
scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.
--
In August, Tobias Allen of Seattle, Wash., a pen pal of convicted murderer
John Wayne Gacy, released for sale his new board game Serial Killer
(suggested price $49.95). The players make choices as to high-risk or
low-risk killings (e.g., killing a politician or a street person,
respectively), and plastic babies are game pieces representing victims.
The game is packaged in a body bag.
--
Science News reported in January that male members of a remote Amazonian
tribe called the Achuar Jivaro drink an herbal tea each morning that contains
as much caffeine as five cups of coffee, but then, in a "macho ritual,"
vomit most of it up in order to avoid the effects of overdose.
--
An eight-month study at the University of Iowa Hospital, released in July,
reported that personnel working with patients wash their hands less than
half as often as rules require. Resulting infections, according to the
report published in the New England Journal of Medicine, may cost $10 billion
a year.
--
In July, Broward County (Fla.) Judge Robert Zack found topless hot dog vendor
Terri Cortina not guilty of indecent exposure. Zack read the law aloud in
couty, noting that it is illegal "for any person to expose or exhibit _his_
sexual organs." Said Zack, "I don't think this lady has male sexual organs.
I (have) no choice (but to release her)."
--
Joe Albert Ruiz, 19, was arrested in Santa Maria in September. Police said
he had broken into a car in the middle of the night and was in the trunk,
disconnecting the rear speakers, when the trunk closed and locked him in.
Neighbors reported strange noises, and a police officer called to the scene
heard Ruiz banging on the trunk and yelling, "Let me out!"
--
Swedish Justice Minister Gun Hellsvik came under criticism in October over a
rehabilitation program established to help prison inmates adjust to society.
The program included an in-prison session to teach inmates skeet shooting --
by letting them practice with shotguns.
--
In March, entomologists from Tel Aviv University hooked up six Oriental
hornets in series and obtained enough electricity to run a digital watch
for several seconds. The researchers believe that the Oriental hornet's
skin stores solar energy and acts as an organic semiconductor.
--
In October, a British dermatologist reported that a 26-year-old female
patient, involved in hormone therapy to get rid of excess facial hair,
suddenly because sexually irresistable to her pet rottweiler. The doctor,
writing in the medical journal the Lancet, said the dog "would not leave her
alone" and attributed its behavior to changes in the woman's skin secretions.
--
In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously,
on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it
"to reduce the national debt."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 92 11:04:43 -0800
From: Bill Wisner <wisner@mica.berkeley.edu>
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
In April, a Franciscan friar, the Rev. Bede Frrara, handed out coupons
in Somerville, Mass., offering his parishioners "50 percent off" of the
penance for whatever sins they confess.
He said he thought his parishioners needed a boost because of economic
woes in the area and so offered them the opportunity to atone for a sin
by, for example, doing only 15 Hail Marys instead of 30.
--
A 16-year-old boy was arrested in Kansas City, Mo., in August and charged
with the armed robbery of a jewelry store, during which he allegedly shot
two people. Police said his motive was to acquire enough money to settle
fines for his overdue library books at school.
--
After police pulled over Kevin Temple, 35, in a routine traffic stop in
Bronson, Fla., in October, a police dog sniffing the trunk became agitated.
In the trunk and back seat, officers found the following live animals:
48 rattlesnakes, a Gila monster, 45 non-poisonous snakes, 67 scorpions,
several tarantulas and small lizards, and a parrot. Temple said they were
just pets.
--
In October, the Swallows Hotel in Gateshead, England, offered 11 chronic
snorers a free night's stay so they it could test how well soundproofed
the rooms are. The hotel staff tape-recorded the sounds coming from the
rooms and promised the loudest snorer a prize.
--
A company in Gierloz, Poland, has opened a resort on the grounds of Adolf
Hitler's Nazi headquarters during his campaign for Eastern Europe from
1942 to 1945. The company's president said, "Let the historians ponder
(the irony)." A German newspaper called the place, which attracts as
many as 5,000 tourists a day, a "Nazi Disneyland."
--
Among newer products: sake with the consistency of a 7-Eleven Slurpee;
Ren and Stimpy dolls, which break wind when their stomachs are squeezed;
frozenn microwave dinners for dogs (including baked lamb); and trading
cards imprinted with the actual, but inactive, DNA of famous people sealed
inside a hologram (from StarGene of San Rafael).
--
Among the topics addressed by the San Bernardino County Sheriff's Department
etiquette book for deputies are the proper procedures for how to eat a banana
(break it into pieces and eat it with a salad fork), buffet etiquette (don't
load your plate and don't put food back after you take it), and fashion
tips (no cowboy hats, whote sports coats or safari jackets).
--
The New York Post reported in June that Manhattan gang leaders were selling
drug dealers exclusive rights on crtain street corners in Harlem for as much
as $1 million.
--
A South Koren professor and a Buddhist monk made arrangements in September to
repatriate the noses of 2,000 Koraens slain by invading Japanese soldiers in
the 17th century. The noses had been taken to Japan as proof of their
victory and preserved in a tomb.
--
In September, the body of a man shot to death and tied to a heavy beam was
pulled from a river near Topeka, Kan. Investigators believe the murderer
intended to hamper identification efforts because he had removed most of
the tattoos from the victim's body and had pulled all of the teeth.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Dec 92 11:41:33 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Other Important Relics Dept. (was French Oil)
To: eniac
bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein) also asks:
>> Does everyone but me know that Notre Dame
>> claims to have The Crown of Thorns ...?
One of Louis IX's purchases, from when he was on Crusade. Actually I
thought it was gone. A lot of the religious relics that belonged to
the State were lost, discarded, or desecrated during the Revolution.
They used to have a terrific inventory of red-letter relics at the
Abbey of St Denis before it was sacked, including (supposedly) the
chinbone of Mary Magdalen and the Holy Manger.
I blame St Helen (Constantine's Mom) for a lot of this. The woman had
*no* sales resistance. Whenever she went into the marketplace,
merchants would sidle up to her and offer to sell her the latest
rediscovered thing. Feathers from St Gabriel and all that kind of
stuff. They used to have a bowl of chicken bones someplace in
Palestine that was venerated as the mortal remains of the Holy
Innocents. (I think I learned that from INNOCENTS ABROAD, which Joel
is quite right to recommend.) I myself have seen the left (I think it
was left) arm of St Augustine (the Canterbury fellow, not the Hippo
one) and a knuckle of St Dunstan (I think it was Dunstan), but they
wouldn't let me play with them. That was at a monastery at Three
Rivers. When I lived in Louisville I used to pop into St.
Martin-of-Tours and pay my respects to Sts Maximus and - oh, what was
her name - not Praxilla, that's a poet -- I don't remember her name.
They were under the side altars - old skeletons in glass boxes,
dressed up in ermine and velvet with slippers on their little bony
toes. They were dug up from under the Coliseum, and sent to St
Martin's as a parish centennial present from Pius XII. Here, have a
saint. Take two, they're small.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 08:45:56 CST
From: muchow@anubis.network.com (Jim Muchow)
Subject: Other Important Relics Dept. (was French Oil)
Date: Wed, 9 Dec 92 11:41:33 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
terrific inventory of red-letter relics at the
Abbey of St Denis before it was sacked, including
(supposedly) the chinbone of Mary Magdalen and
the Holy Manger.
The chinbone of the Holy Manger? Or do you mean the chinbone of Mary
Magdalene and the ENTIRE Holy Manger (in pieces for easy assembly)? Or
do you mean the the chinbone of Mary Magdalene and the chinbone of the
Holy Manager (of the Holy-day Inn(?) that had no Holy Room) who was
decked by the Holy Drone, Joseph, right on the chinbone (!) because he
cast Holy Aspersions on the Holy Impregnation and Joseph (the Holy
Drone) was feeling kind of cranky about the whole Holy Thing because
he had had just about enough of these insinuations (Holy ones) that he
wasn't-man-enough-to-do-the-job-himself (wink-wink, nudge-nudge) and
had to go get someone else to do stand in, so to speak, and if it
really was God Almighty Himself (the Holy One) who had done the honors
(oops! the Holy Honors) then why is the Holy Couple drifting around
the Holy Countryside looking for a place to stay instead of getting
some sort of Immaculate Reception somewhere that befits the King of
Kings and Lord of Lords (albeit in infant form).
------------------------------
Date: 11 Dec 92 17:20:03 GMT
From: nalin@cs.uregina.ca (Nalin Whatyamacallit)
Subject: Publication Ban on Page 1
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following piece appeared on Page 1 of the Dec 5, '92 Globe & Mail -
Canada's only national news paper. It seems court censorship has come full
circle.
"Somewhere in Canada yesterday, a group requested a court ban on the
publication/broadcast of a certain work for certain reasons.
"The court granted the ban on publication/broadcast and, in addition,
imposed a ban on reporting the fact of the ban.
"This has required The Globe and Mail to withhold Broadcast Week
magazine, which is normally included in the Saturday papers distributed
in Ontario.
"The Globe and Mail, with certain other parties, has mounted a legal
challenge against the ban on reporting the ban, on grounds that it
interferes with freedom of the press and other media of communication,
which is guaranteed in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Dec 92 12:06:08 -0800
From: Allen Akin <akin@tuolumne.asd.sgi.com>
Subject: Seen in the WSJ
To: jmd@cs.princeton.edu, spaf
Comment by a professor observing two students unconscious at their
keyboards:
"That's the trouble with graduate students.
Every couple of days, they fall asleep."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 92 11:49:55 EST
From: ctw0%dazzle@gte.com (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes)
Subject: submission for Yucks
To: spaf
Seen on a billboard in Atlanta over the Thanksgiving holiday (near
I-85 and Lenox Road):
Shallowford Vasectomy Clinic
Season's Greetings
Gift Certificates Available
Give the gift that shows you truly care? :-)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 14:08:00 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: t.b on public enemy
To: yucks
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
>From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
>Subject: If Public Enemy were white
>Date: Mon, 14 Dec 1992 15:25:07 GMT
"411 is a Joke"
[Usually, I find stuff Patrick sends to me quite funny. I am
mystified by this. Is it because I have become middle-aged? Please,
somebody explain this to me!
------------------------------
Date: 8 Dec 92 09:30:03 GMT
From: shallit@graceland.uwaterloo.ca (Jeffrey Shallit)
Subject: the "mother of all rejection slips"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The Humanist Association of Canada Spring 1992 Newsletter
contains the following item:
For writers only -- Every writer has received rejection
slips; too many of them for most. The "Financial Times"
has quoted the "mother of all rejection slips", translated
from a Chinese economic journal. It goes like this:
We have read your manuscript with boundless delight. If
we were to publish your paper, it would be impossible for
us to publish any work of lower standard. And as it is
unthinkable that in the next thousand years we shall see
its equal, we are, to our regret, compelled to return your
divine composition, and to beg you a thousand times to
overlook our short sight and timidity.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Dec 92 16:44:37 PST
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: The 24-Stage Software Test
To: spaf
This was taken from something called .EXE Magazine (eeks!):
THE 24-STAGE SOFTWARE TEST:
alpha: It compiles!
beta: It runs on Joe's machine.
gamma: It runs on Kate's machine, too.
delta: It runs on the network.
epsilon: It's stopped running on Kate's machine.
zeta: It runs on all machines, but Report crashes.
eta: It crashes with HIMEM.SYS.
theta: It crashes without HIMEM.SYS.
iota: It crashes with a serial printer.
kappa: It works! But the spec has changed.
lambda: It runs, but mysteriously at half the speed of before.
mu: It crashes the network.
nu: It crashes Kate's machine with HIMEM.SYS, Joe's without.
xi: It runs, but the printout is garbage.
omicron: As above, but crashes after printout sometimes.
pi: It sometimes crashes.
rho: Kate thinks it works, but it turns out she's running lambda.
sigma: No luck yet.
tau: Aha, sorted out the printout.
upsilon: Nearly there -- jus tneed to tidy up the help text.
phi: It won't run at all on anything.
chi: Yippee! It runs perfectly on all the machines in the world.
psi: It runs on all the machines in the world except tat idiot's
from Basingstoke with the customised Amstrad and DOS 4.01.
omega: It won't compile.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Dec 92 3:20:02 EST
From: 0005115790@mcimail.com (John N. Ecker)
Subject: The Three Bears
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I heard this from a caller to WLUP AM 1000 in Chicago yesterday:
Apparently the Three Bears, Mama Bear, Papa Bear and Baby Bear are
having trouble. Mama Bear and Papa Bear are getting divorced and
Baby Bear is the subject of a custody battle.
The judge asked Baby Bear if he wanted to live with Mama Bear.
"No, my Mama beats me."
"Do you want to live with your father?"
"No, my Daddy beats me, too."
"Well, then, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Chicago Bears...they don't beat anyone."
(To those of you who don't follow the NFL, the Chicago Bears have
un-characteristically lost six games in a row.)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 92 11:57:25 CST
From: mbraun@urbana.mcd.mot.com
Subject: The Wandering Bard's Beowulf
To: spaf
>From Yucks: V2. Iss. 58
From: <WBARD@CSI.compuserve.com>
>Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
(`Wandering Bard', my foot.) This was actually stolen from the Tom Weller
book, "Culture Made Stupid" the sequel to his classic, "Science Made
Stupid". The book describes Cvltvre[*] in all all of its glory, from its
table of common rhetorical figures ("Epilepsis: to draw out a word or
phrase because you've dropped your notes on the floor") to intellectual
statistics ("The average mortality rate among people who jog is 100%") to
music ("Operetta: a person who helps you make a phone call") to film ("A
dolby is that strange-shaped piece of cardboard that comes wrapped inside
new shirts") and poetry:
(Q: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
A: No
Q: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
A: Eight)
Now, some of you out there are saying, "You plagiarizing hypocrite! You've
lifted Weller's work just as shamelessly as the `bard' did!" "But no!", I
cry. "I am doing it for review purposes! To promote the book, and help
others find Cvltvre." _This_ is what Cvltvre has done for me. (That is,
given me confidence to rationalize copyright infringement.) Yes, Cvltvre
has done this, and so much more!!!
No pseudo-intellectual Cvltvre freak can be without a copy!!! This is a
book that I wouldn't necessarily die for, but might well kill for. I keep
it around the office for laughs and to distract STREAMS people while I pick
their pockets and tie their shoelaces together. Unfortunately, my copy has
been stamped, "Best when read before AUG 1991", so the added .02 mg of FD&C
New Book Smell No. 3 has just about worn off. (Maybe refrigeration would
help it keep...) Go out and get your copy--NOW!
References
----------
Weller, Tom, "Culture Made Stupid", Houghton Mifflin Company, 1987
ISBN 0-395-40461-4
Weller, Tom, "Science Made Stupid", Houghton Mifflin Company, 1985
ISBN 0-395-36646-1
m@
[*] Cvltvre--not Culture--"that's what a dish of germs has", according to
the introduction.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1992 15:02:09 GMT
From: adw3345@ultb.isc.rit.edu (A.D. Williams)
Subject: TOP 10 FAILED FISHER-PRICE TOYS
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
TOP 10 FISHER PRICE MARKETING FLOPS FOR TODDLERS
10) Sharp kitchen utensils play kit.
9) Loaded Magnum .44 fun set.
8) Caustic acid Mix-N-Drink.
7) Defuse the live bomb puzzle.
6) Which is hot wire and which is ground wire action game.
5) My First Chainsaw.
4) Nerf Bicycle Helmet.
3) Rabid Raccoon Pet-N-Play.
2) Plastic Explosive Play-Doh.
1) Mistress Olga's House of Painful Pleasure Outfit Set.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Dec 1992 09:40:43 -0800 (PST)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: Twyla Tharp
To: eniac
I offer this excerpt from a review of an autobiography of TT without
comment.
"Named for the Pig Princess at the 89th Muncie Fair, little Twyla starts
off in Indiana Quaker country, then moves to the California desert where
her mother opens a drive-in theater and her father builds an enormous
house right on top of the San Andreas Fault. While her younger, twin
brothers (both called Stan, because Dad can't tell them apart) and sister
Twanette run amok, Tharp becomes a baton-twirling, piano-playing,
tap-and-ballet-dancing freak with weird friends. (Her first boyfriend
killed the school coach with a shot put.)"
====
Actually, I do have a comment, though not an observation about the review.
I first heard Twyla Tharp's name when encountering one of my professors in
a bookstore a few days before Christmas. He told me he was looking for a
book about Twyla Tharp as a gift for his wife.
Apparently I had trouble with this name, as that night I dreamed about
someone named Thelma Twerp.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Dec 92 4:30:09 EST
From: knodel@cis.ohio-state.edu (Jeff Knodel)
Subject: What happens when you work all-night...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I work at <a utility company> that has security card readers on all of the
entrances, exits, and important internal doors. Employees must have their
creditcard-like ID cards to run across the scanner, or they cannot open the
doors.
This morning, a co-worker of mine left to run across the street to the
gas station to pick up some candy bars and pops for all of us minding the
fort. When he got back, however, he found that he could not work the
door mechanism, hold the drinks, and his card up against the scanner
at the same time. After a few trials, he managed to do it by holding the
card against the scanner with his head, and turning the knob with the
hands holding the drinks.
He then walked through the entire length of the building, climbed three
flights of stairs, and eventually came to the computer room, which again
required his ID -- only he didn't have it.
He sat the drinks on the ground, and searched his pockets; Nothing.
"Fine," he thought, "I must have dropped it in he hall," So he backtracked
all the way to the door, looking for places he might have dropped it; but
no luck.
He got to the front door, which had just been opened up by the morning
security guard.
"Hi." he said to the guard, "I was through here not five minutes ago."
"Uh-huh."
"...but I can't, for the life of me, seem to find my ID."
"Uh-huh."
"I had it to get through the door, but I did not have it when I got to the
next one."
"Uh-huh."
"I've backtracked my entire path, and I didn't find it."
"Uh-huh."
"Have you seen it?"
And the guard said; "Its stuck to your forehead."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 13 Dec 92 12:04:50 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: What is Object-Oriented Programming?
To: spaf
From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
(Pope Clifton) writes:
> I have to write an article for one of the company newsletters
> explaining why I used Object-Oriented Programming and Design
> techniques to implement the debugger I spent the last year on.
>
> I have been putting it off for a long time, because I don't
> really want to write this article. However, I did finally
> come up with a good opening sentence and paragraph:
>
> "The main reason for switching to Object-Oriented Programming is
> to keep your head from exploding."
No, no. It's because object-oriented programming is like having a
bathtub filled with water, and the water has all these Objects floating
in it, but none of the objects can communicate directly with the other
objects because there are cardboard dividers also floating in the water
between them, so each object can use a telephone to send a signal to a
filing cabinet which opens one of its drawers and releases various
[legal] chemicals into the water...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Dec 92 17:50:11 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: where do I sign up?
To: yucks
TI:
Vibrotactile stimulation enhances sexual response in sexually
functional men: a study using concomitant measures of erection.
AU:
Rowland-DL SO: Arch-Sex-Behav. 1992 Aug; 21(4): 387-400
AB:
The role of vibrotactile stimulation on the penis in producing
erection was investigated in 34 sexually functional men. Subjects were
presented with three stimulus segments: erotic video (VID);
vibrotactile stimulation (VT) applied to the underside of the penis;
and combined vibrotactile and erotic video stimulation (VID+VT).
Maximum erectile response was recorded to each stimulus using both an
erectiometer and a Barlow strain gauge. Self-reported sexual arousal
and affective response to each stimulus segment were also obtained.
Results indicated significant variation in erectile response and
self-reported arousal over the stimulus segments. Erectile response
was lowest to VT alone and highest to VID+VT for both erectile
measures, although the pattern of change across stimuli was different
for each measure. Self-reported sexual arousal was consistent with
erectile measures, but the difference between VID and VID+VT was not
statistically significant. VT stimulation alone was perceived as
somewhat unpleasant; both VID and VID+VT were perceived as more
pleasant than VT, but VID and VID+VT did not differ significantly from
each other. This study demonstrates that, while not perceived as more
pleasureable or arousing, VT stimulation on the penis combined with
erotic video stimulation augments erectile response in functional men
in a controlled laboratory situation. The possible use of this
methodology for the improved study of men with sexual dysfunctions is
discussed.
[Gee, and some people think science is dull! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 92 12:43:05 EST
From: "Pete Schay" <pschay@us.oracle.com>
Subject: yuck!
To: spaf
In-Reply-To: ERSEQ:spaf@cs.purdue.edu's message of 12-02-92 11:39
How about the box of Corn Flakes I saw a while back...
At the bottom of the side panel it just said:
"Made from 100% recycled fibers."
------------------------------
Date: 3 Dec 92 06:05:21 PST (Thu)
From: julian@bongo.info.com (Julian Macassey)
Subject: Yucks Digest Submission
To: spaf
I received the following via amateur (packet) radio. comments
and replies can be sent to julian@bongo.imfo.com who will forward them.
====
"Neighbors of Wisconsin's Waupun Correctional Institution found hundreds
of condoms on thier roofs and in their yards when an AIDS-awareness stunt
by ACT-UP backfired. The condoms had been dropped from a plane, but
missed their mark. (American Medical News, Sept 14, 1992)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1992 12:38:00 -0500
From: PTomblin@gvc.com (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #58 (mixed length items)
To: spaf
>
> [I think that should be "golf" and not "golf", above and below. --spaf]
Well _that_ really cleared things up!
[Glad to be of help. Ahem. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 16 Nov 92 06:08:38 GMT
From: pseudo!mjn (Murray Nesbitt)
Subject: *** IMPORTANT DISCOVERY ***
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c,comp.lang.c++,alt.tasteless.jokes,rec.humor
[Note carefully the newsgroups line, above. It helps the rejoinder
make sense. --spaf]
knaggs@cps.msu.edu (Scott A Knaggs) writes:
> "Will you do anything for me?", I asked. "Yes", was your answer. I asked you
> to lay down. You did. I squated right above your head and again, your tongue
> started to do it's job. You heard me make a strange noise: "NNNNNNGGGGG".
> You thought it was my extasy, but you soon found out it was something else.
> You felt something drop on your nose, something which slid slowly into your
> mouth. Your curious tongue tried to find out what it was. Congratulations,
> you just tasted a piece of shit! You really liked it. It turned you on even
> more and I started to grap some off your head and massaged your dick
> with it. Your dick looked great, nice and brown with little lightbrown thick
> pieces on it. I started to give you a blow job. I really enjoyed the taste
> of cock combined with shit. Especially after you came... I turned around with
> my mouth full and kissed you. I emptied my mouth in yours. You passionately
> returned my kisses. After that we layed in each others arms for minutes.
> You had a big smile on your face.
Not if you want your code to be portable to other compilers. Some
compilers, notably gcc, have extensions to the language that make this
kind of thing possible, but in the majority of implementations this
code will result in undefined behavior.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------