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Yucks Digest V2 #57
Yucks Digest Sun, 29 Nov 92 Volume 2 : Issue 57
Today's Topics:
"Hotel California" revisited
1992 Doublespeak Awards
airfone slip experiences
And a warm place to ...
Country music could be harmful to your health!
Frozen sky debris had human origin
Jellied Moose Nose (fwd)
Jelly Donut question... (3 msgs)
mailing Xerox
NOTW
Royal Jelly
The Coolest Videotape On Earth
Yucks Digest V2 #56 (shorts)
Yucks Digest V2 #56 (shorts) [cutie (3 msgs)]
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 12:20:06 EST
From: barr@pop.psu.edu (David Barr)
Subject: "Hotel California" revisited
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is original, written in light of the AT&T-BSDI lawsuit, and the
recent trend with Sun towards System V and away from Good Ol' BSD.
"Berkeley California"
(Sung to the tune "Hotel California" by the Eagles)
In a dark dim machine room
Cool A/C in my hair
Warm smell of silicon
Rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance
I saw a Solarian(tm) light
My kernel grew heavy, and my disk grew slim
I had to halt(8) for the night
The backup spun in the tape drive
I heard a terminal bell
And I was thinking to myself
This could be BSD or USL
Then they started a lawsuit
And they showed me the way
There were salesmen down the corridor
I thought I heard them say
Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely place
Such a lovely place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
Plenty of jobs at Berkeley California
Any time of year
Any time of year (backgrounded)
You can find one here
You can find one here
Their code was definately twisted
But they've got the stock market trends
They've got a lot of pretty, pretty lawyers
That they call friends
How they dance in the courtroom
See BSDI sweat
Some sue to remember
Some sue to forget
So I called up Kernighan
Please bring me ctime(3)
He said
We haven't had that tm_year since 1969
And still those functions are calling from far away
Wake up Jobs in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say
Welcome to Berkeley California
Such a lovely Place
Such a lovely Place (backgrounded)
Such a lovely trace(1)
They're livin' it up suing Berkeley California
What a nice surprise
What a nice surprise (backgrounded)
Bring your alibies
Windows NT a dreaming
Pink OS on ice
And they said
We are all just prisoners here
Of a marketing device
And in the judges's chambers
They gathered for the feast
They diff(1)'d the source code listings
But they can't kill -9 the beast
Last thing I remember
I was restore(8)'ing | more(1)
I had to find the soft link back to the path I was before
sleep(3) said the pagedaemon
We are programmed to recv(2)
You can swap out any time you like
But you can never leave(1)
[ substitute whirring of disk and tape drives for guitar solo ]
Written by David Barr <barr@pop.psu.edu>
and Ken Hornstein <kenh@physci.psu.edu>
and a little help from Greg Nagy <nagy@cs.psu.edu>
and thanks to the lyrics archive at cs.uwp.edu
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 1992 01:55:24 GMT
From: bfrg9732@uxa.CSo.uiuc.EDU (Brian F. Redman)
Subject: 1992 Doublespeak Awards
Newsgroups: wstd.mail.peacenet
1992 Doublespeak Awards
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>From the November 20th issue of the Champaign-Urbana "News-
Gazette." (summation of article)
Doublespeak Awards Find Fertile Ground in Politics
==================================================
(Champaign-Urbana, November 20, 1992) -- Doublespeak has just
about driven William Lutz to the brink of -- "mental activity at
the margins."
That euphemism was just one gem discovered by the Rutgers
University English professor for the 1992 Doublespeak Awards,
announced today in Urbana by the National Council of Teachers of
English.
The annual awards -- intended to call attention to language that
is "grossly deceptive, evasive and euphemistic" -- were bestowed
during the council's convention in Louisville, Kentucky.
Among the nominees:
*** Instead of being laid off, workers are "involuntarily
terminated" as companies "reposition," "reshape," "realign" and
"reduce duplication" through a "release of resources," "permanent
downsizing" or "payroll adjustment."
*** Along with other newfound freedoms, the people of Moscow can
now visit "intimacy salons" -- sex shops, as they are known in
other countries.
*** U.S. soldiers should pay close attention to the Army's
warning that exposure to nerve gas may cause "immediate permanent
incapacitation" -- that is, death.
*** Students who stand still are now in a state of "spatial
anchoring."
*** Removing books from the library isn't censorship, just a case
of "weeding" books.
*** Colleges don't drop failing students, they "expedite their
progress toward alternate life pursuits."
*** Electric fans are now "high-velocity, multipurpose air
circulators."
*** Radio and television commercials are now referred to as
"value minutes."
*** A U.S. Department of Energy nuclear fuel dump is a
"monitored retrievable storage site."
*** The Environmental Protection Agency now refers to acid rain
as "wet deposition."
*** Politicians in Canada engage in "reality augmentation" but
would never say that they'd lied.
And the winners are:
3rd place -- All the politicians who put the phrase "family
values" at the center of the 1992 political campaign. An
ambiguous and vague phrase, it "exploited intense feelings
aroused by the idea of the family to celebrate their [i.e.
politicos] own idea of what constitutes the best domestic
arrangement."
2nd place -- The Republican and Democratic parties for "claiming
they are for reforming the way political campaigns are financed,
even while they continue to seek and accept large contributions
from special-interest groups, corporations, and wealthy
individuals."
1st place -- President Bush for various novel uses of language,
including calling for "less proliferation of all different kinds
of weapons" as the Department of Defense reversed a 25-year
policy and began supporting arms trade shows around the world.
Finally, the 1992 George Orwell Award for Distinguished
Contribution to Honesty and Clarity in Public Language went to
Donald Barlett and James Steele, authors of "America: What Went
Wrong." The authors received the award for cutting through "the
political and economic doublespeak used to justify the economic
policy of the 1980s" to reveal "who is and isn't paying the price
in the '90s."
------------------------------
From: peter honeyman <honey@citi.umich.edu>
Subject: airfone slip experiences
this message is being composed with mh/comp running in an x11r5/xterm
on an ibm ps-2 model l40-sx running mach 2.6, on northwest flight 181,
which departed detroit at 9:30 and is due in san jose at 14:45. it
will be delivered with smtp as soon as i get a chance, probably when i
reach tahoe city. [i was able to send it from the san jose airport.]
i brought up slip over gte airfone with a konex koupler model 203
acoustic coupler and a telebit qblazer running at 300 baud.
the acoustic coupler is a good match for the airfone -- i was able to
make a very snug coupling. i buried the mated pair under pillows.
the microport 4232 modem was uncooperative, and started complaining
about a low battery before i was able to establish a connection.
with the qblazer, i was unable to connect to the remote worldblazer at
high baud rates, but i did get a 300 baud connection going, whereupon i
brought up slip. here are some representative ping times:
hone:; ping doom
PING doom.citi.umich.edu (141.211.128.207): 56 data bytes
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=0. time=46139. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=1. time=50240. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=2. time=52320. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=3. time=55670. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=4. time=57120. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=5. time=59330. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=6. time=63930. ms
64 bytes from 141.211.128.207: icmp_seq=8. time=63820. ms
^C
----doom.citi.umich.edu PING Statistics----
75 packets transmitted, 8 packets received, 89% packet loss
round-trip (ms) min/avg/max = 46139/56071/63930
you get the picture -- 90% packet loss and 60 second round trip times.
i'm guessing that the packets spent all thayt time in the v.42 layer,
although i did not see the error correction light flashing.
i tried to get smtp and telnet sessions going, but they timed out.
in summary, it was something of an accomplishment to get slip running
and packets bouncing from 30,000 feet, but a limited success at best.
peter
ps: i found 117v (the flight exhausted my batteries) and an rj-11 jack
in the san jose airport, where i have a lengthy layover.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 07:14:42 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JOE@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: And a warm place to ...
To: yucks
TOKYO - Happy Toilet Day.
Today, the Japan Toilet Association commemorates the humble water closet
with a day of its own: Toilet Day, a time to meditate on "The Evolution of
Toilets, and Tasks for the Future."
That's also the theme of this year's Tokyo Toilet Symposium, which takes
place today and tomorrow. The symposium, which the association, a private
organization, says is open "not just to specialists, but to all kinds of
people interested in toilets," will include a report from the "Higashi
Murayama Citizens' Group to Think About Public Toilets," a talk on "Toilets
and Government Policy" and a gala banquet. Attendees will also vote for the
annual "10 Good Toilets Award."
"Having 'a best 10' encourages the people who make public toilets," explains
the association president, Hideo Nishioka, who promises that at the symposium,
"I will also propose that people have toilets installed in their cars."
It's too late to register for today's seminar, but not for the first-ever
International Toilet Symposium, a three-day event scheduled for next June
in Kobe.
Japan has quickly come from behind to take a leading role in porcelain
practicalities. While much of urban Japan had primitive amenities just a
couple of decades ago, the country now surpasses the U.S. standard: Tokyo
showrooms feature electronic thrones with enough knobs, hoses, electronic
sensors and heating coils to bowl over the most gadget-crazed aficionado.
The gizmos aren't cheap: A top-of-the-line model costs $2,400.
Flush with success following the Franco-Japan Toilet Forum early this year,
Mr. Nishioka expects the Kobe symposium to include guests from the U.S.,
France, Australia and Hong Kong.
A circular says the symposium will address "for the first time in an inter-
national context...the simple lack of awareness of the present conditions of
the toilet and the critical need for change." The primary discussion is
titled: "Toilet Culture, Past, Present, and Future, Our Changing Cities and
Lifestyles in the Context of the Toilet."
If that seems a little heavy, guests may instead view the Ota Folk Museum's
"Restroom History and Culture Display," or Mr. Nishioka's "World Toilet
Paper Collection." And after the conference, there will be an optional tour
of restroom facilities around Kobe.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 14:36 GMT
From: Sanford Sherizen <0003965782@mcimail.com>
Subject: Country music could be harmful to your health!
To: spaf <spaf>
I gave a keynote address a few months ago in Nashville. To get the audience
into the spirit of the place, I used a few quotes from a book called "I've Got
Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in My Bed While I Cry Over You..."
(Paula Schwed, Kansas City: Andrews and McMeel). It is filled with country
music song titles and lyrics. Here are a few:
Flushed from the bathroom of your heart
Don't pay the ransom, honey, I've escaped
I only miss you on days that end in 'Y'
The future is not what it used to Be
If you're going to do me wrong, do it right
You must think my bed's a bus stop, the way you come and go
I wouldn't take her to a dogfight, even if I thought she could win
You're out doing what I'm here doing without
I don't want no more of the cheese, I just want out of the trap
Your wife is cheatin' on us again
I still hold her body, but I think I've lost her mind
I'm having daydreams about night things in the middle of the afternoon
There ain't no queen in my king-sized bed
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 09:47:41 -0500
From: "D. W. James" <vnend@Princeton.EDU>
Subject: Frozen sky debris had human origin
To: eniac
A better head line would have been one proposed by Spider Robinson a few
years ago in one of his Calahan's Bar stories:
"House hit by Icy B. M."
In article <skychunkU2N9845pe@clarinet.com>:
MELBOURNE, Fla. (UPI -- The glistening green and brown frozen object
that slammed through the roof of a house Monday fell from the sky, but
was anything but a meteorite, investigators quickly learned.
Embarassed police and fire officials discovered the object, which was
slightly larger than a basketball was in fact waste from an airplane
toilet.
"It's by far the weirdest call I've done," said police officer
Ralph Reichard, who has been a policeman for four months.
"We were on routine patrol, and several witnesses flagged us down
and said a green and brown ball had fallen from the sky," he said.
Reichard said when he arrived at the home of Anthony and Jamie
Perrie, he saw a 3-foot by 3-foot hole in the barrel tile roof.
Delores Wolfe, who works for the family as a nanny was surprised to
see the police at the door, telling the officers she thought the noise
was the ironing board falling over.
Reichard said he went upstairs to the master bedroom.
"There was a green sphere-like object that had entered the master
bedroom, leaving a 12-inch by 12-inch hole in the ceiling," he said.
"The fire department's hazardous materials team was then requested."
The team conducted several tests, including a test for radioactivity
with a geiger counter.
Reichard was reluctant to reveal exactly when the real nature of the
block became apparent, but admitted there was "some laughing."
Neither Wolfe nor the family's 16-month-old son were injured.
"Some softball-sized chunks also split off when it hit the roof, and
damaged the screened porch as well," Reichard said.
As officers placed the mass into a cooler to preserve it, the Federal
Aviation Administration was contacted.
"They said they didn't want it," the officer said. "They are
looking into it, but they told us if the aircraft was flying at more
than 30,000 feet, they'd have no way of telling who dropped it."
FAA officials were unavailable for comment late Monday.
[Perhaps this is one of the missing "ping" packets described earlier? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 19 Nov 92 9:45:06 CST
From: Valerie See <valsee@qat.tandy.COM>
Subject: Jellied Moose Nose (fwd)
To: eniac
[The first of several jelly-related postings in this digest.
Purely coincidental. --spaf]
as the holdays are coming up, i stumbled across a recipe that i
thought might be enjoyed by the Gentle Readers of Eniac.
should go well with the traditional thanksgiving Trench Moose.
"Hac Yt Smale", indeed.
-- val
> /* Written 9:34 am Nov 18, 1992 by ubvm.cc.buffalo.edu!CAMPBELL in techsup:rec.food.cooki */
> /* ---------- "Jellied Moose Nose" ---------- */
>
> Since I received an overwhelming number of requests for the recipe for
> Jellied Moose Nose (actually only one, but sometimes even that is
> overwhelming), here it is; from "Northern Cookbook" from the Ministry of
> Indian Affairs, Ottawa, Canada, edited by Eleanor A. Ellis
> By the way, this is a serious cookbook, compiled for the inhabitants
> of the far Canadian north, utilizing the game available in the area. It
> is a comprehensive cookbook, with all the sections you would find in
> Joy of Cooking, et al. It's just that some of the recipes are, well...
> more outstanding than others. Sorry for the digression, here it is:
>
> Jellied Moose Nose
>
> 1 upper jawbone of a moose 1 tsp. salt
> 1 onion, sliced 1/2 tsp. pepper
> 1 clove garlic 1/4 cup vinegar
> 1 Tbs. mixed pickling spice
>
> 1. Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes.
>
> 2. Place in a large kettle of scalding water and boil for 45 minutes.
>
> 3. Remove and chill in cold water.
>
> 4. Pull out all the hairs - these will have been loosened by the boiling and
> should come out easily ( like plucking a duck).
>
> 5. Wash thoroughly until no hairs remain.
>
> 6. Place the nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water.
>
> 7. Add onion, garlic, spices and vinegar
>
> 8. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until the meat is tender.
> Let cool overnight in the liquid.
>
> 9. When cool, take the meat out of the broth, and remove and discard the
> bones and the cartilage. You will have two kinds of meat, white meat
> from the bulb of the nose, and thin strips of dark meat from along the
> bones and jowls.
>
> 10. Slice the meat thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a
> loaf pan.
>
> 11. Reheat the broth to boiling, then pour the broth over the meat in the
> loaf pan.
>
> 12. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.
>
> I must confess I have not yet tried this recipe, mainly for lack of a
> moose nose... But, sometime, maybe...
>
> Good eating,
> Rog. C.
> /* End of text from techsup:rec.food.cooki */
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 10:39:49 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Jelly Donut question...
To: peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva)
> Subject: Jelly Donut question...
> To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
> Date: Wed, 11 Nov 92 8:01:02 CST
> From: peter@taronga.com (Peter da Silva)
>
> My wife posted a message to rec.food.cooking, describing how jelly was
> put into jelly donuts:
>
> > Why do you think there's a hole on the side of your jelly donut?
>
> The response was:
> > To suck all the jelly out, of course. All this stuff about needles is
> > obviously wrong. I mean, that would be too easy. My new theory is that
> > they hire illegal immigrants to form donut goo around a jelly center and
> > then deep fry thenm by hand. My other theory is that they are not made
> > like donuts at all but are instead grown underground. My OTHER
> > theory...
>
> She can't think of anything weird enough to reply to this, and I've gotta
> go to work. Anyone want to help? Extra points for working in Elvis, the
> Bermuda Triangle, and Craig Shergold.
You want weird?
Filled doughnuts (or donuts) are not manufactured items at all. They
are the product of a shameful hidden industry whose output is sold to
the unsuspecting consumer and whose profits are used to perpetuate a
life of pain for animals. You see, filled donuts are actually an
animal by-product. On secluded farms throughout North America,
cats are kept in tiny cages and force-fed raw dough. This causes them
to fatten up, and it also causes their metabolisms to change: in
particular, all their fur falls out. After several months of this
diet, small amounts of jelly (or custard) is injected under their
skins at the back of their heads. This gradually becomes encysted
with a dough-like substance. After a month or so, the poor animal is
dropped into a vat of boiling yak fat (source of yet another horror
story). The part that floats to the top is the donut; the part that
floats to the bottom is sold to companies that make those little
cocktail sausages.
The sounds of all the bloated kitties mewing pitifully in their cages
as the farmers walk up and down the rows, carrying their pneumatic
dough-feeders, is heart-rending. All this to satisfy the cravings of
donut-addicts (most notably, policemen and Elvis). The farmers claim
that they are just trying to make a living, and besides -- these cats
would just starve to death in the wild anyhow. However, we know this
is untrue -- they don't use cats who would live in the wild. We know,
because feral cats end up producing donuts with a slight mouse or vole
after-taste found unpleasant by anyone outside of New York City. You
see, these farmers use all those cats that live in pet store windows
and aren't bought by anyone, thereby continuing to create a demand for
the output of the huge, mechanized cat-breeding camps in the bayous of
Cajun country, adjacent to the Bermuda triangle (sort of), one of
which is now run by Craig Shergold. This is another outrage that....
... I'll have to tell you later. The nice man with my Thorazine just
arrived.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1992 09:52:32 EST
From: vnend@Princeton.EDU (D. W. James)
Subject: Jelly Donut question...
To: eniac
On Nov 11, 8:01am, Peter da Silva wrote:
}> Why do you think there's a hole on the side of your jelly donut?
}The response was:
}> To suck all the jelly out, of course. All this stuff about needles is
}> obviously wrong. I mean, that would be too easy. My new theory is that
}> they hire illegal immigrants to form donut goo around a jelly center and
}> then deep fry thenm by hand. My other theory is that they are not made
}> like donuts at all but are instead grown underground. My OTHER
}> theory...
}She can't think of anything weird enough to reply to this, and I've gotta
}go to work. Anyone want to help? Extra points for working in Elvis, the
}Bermuda Triangle, and Craig Shergold.
Sorry, some of us know our limits.
Then again, some of us know no shame...
"Your theories are inventive, but actually pale beside the real truth.
Jelly Donuts are living beings from outer space.
It isn't known when they arrived on Earth, but it is suspected that their
center of operations is the Bermuda Triangle. Their plan was insidious
and effective: by spreading themselves around in donut shops they would
be able to infect and take control of our police, and by various action
and inaction bring the world to a height of fear and paranoia and eventual
self destruction.
Unfortunately, what they didn't realize was that, contrary to the ads,
donuts are seldom 'fresh'. Most of the jelly donuts die of old age before
they are eaten, and so very few people have actually been infected.
Among the more famous victoms of them are Elvis and Craig Shergold. It
isn't known if Elvis was infected while he was in the army, or if it was
during his trip to Bermuda in the early 70's, whichever it was the effects
of the donut growing inside of him were very noticable toward the end of
his life. Contrary to popular believe, Elvis's alcoholism was not due
to a failure to be able to deal with his success, he was attempting to
toxify his body to the point of killing the parasite inside of him.
Craig Shergold was infected in Great Britain when he ate a fresh donut, and
the cost of that infection is still unknown, as announcements of Craig's
plea for cards is still being printed in Church bulletins all across the
world. Certainly a major cause of the global depression is the expense of
sending all those cards to England, and the English aren't too happy about
it either.
Fortunately for Craig personally, doctors were able to remove the donut,
but the coverup that followed was successful in convincing people that
Craig's problem was a simple cancer. What they don't report was that
the 'cancer' was fist-sized, with a cake like consistancy, a jelly-like
interior and covered in a white powder.
So remember, the only people you can trust are those who have never
eaten a jelly donut.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 18:57:35 PST
From: Bill Gibson <gibson@hplwsg.hpl.hp.com>
Subject: Jelly Donut question...
> > To suck all the jelly out, of course. All this stuff about needles is
> > obviously wrong. I mean, that would be too easy. My new theory is that
> > they hire illegal immigrants to form donut goo around a jelly center and
> > then deep fry thenm by hand. My other theory is that they are not made
> > like donuts at all but are instead grown underground. My OTHER
> > theory...
This person is confused.
Jelly donuts are obviously young flying saucers, and the hole you
humans have found is merely the undeveloped nozzle from which
hyperenergetic matter will jet to cause motion. ...You say you've been
sucking out the fuel? Hmm. Maybe this explains the demise of the FTL
club... no, wait...
You may be referring to another kind of jelly donut, though. That would
be the rather sarcastic sculptures the Hidden Culture makes to parody
the squishy contents in the heads of a TV generation. Sometimes they
use the real stuff, but don't worry - you can't tell the difference.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Nov 92 07:20:34 WST
From: johnv@acix.DIALix.oz.au (John Verhoeven)
Subject: mailing Xerox
Newsgroups: news.misc,news.newusers.questions
mathew (mathew@mantis.co.uk) wrote:
> Every time I mail XEROX, I get back two identical copies...
What else did you expect :-)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 92 17:25:14 PST
From: wisner@mica.berkeley.edu (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
Mark J. Davis, 28, was charged with trying to break into a dentist's office
in Aurora, Ohio. In his van police found dental tools and orthodontic
devices, and in his home they found enlarged photographs of girls' mouths
as they were undergoing dental work. In Davis' pockets were 20 driver's
licenses that had been reported missing -- 19 of them belonging to females
who wear, or did wear, braces.
--
Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an articifial dog that
would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use. Previously, the lab
required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per
day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
--
Syndicated columnist Jack Anderson reported in March on a courtroom setback
suffered by the U.S. Postal Service. USPS needed to get an expert-witness
list for its side to a Dayton, Ohio, court by the next day in an employment-
discrimination case. It was sent from Washington, D.C., by Express (overnight)
Mail but did not arrive for 10 days.
--
Ronald St. John received $290,000 in April in Middletown, Conn., to settle his
lawsuit against his former psychologist over the death of St. John's daughter.
St. John had stabbed the 7-year-old to death, but was found not guilty by
reason of insanity. He blamed her death on the psychologist, who had not
been available for consultation while St. John had the breakdown that led
to the murder.
--
Three high school students were expelled in Tokyo for smoking in school, and as
teachers were on their way to the boys' homes to explain the expulsions to
the parents, the three boys and their fathers intercepted them in the street
and pummeled them, fracturing one teacher's jaw and injuring the others.
--
A 13-year-old boy, trying to fend off imminent arrest by Covington, Ky., police
in July, rigged his home with several boody traps based on ideas he had gotten
from the movie "Home Alone."
As officers entered the house, in which the boy lives with only his great-
grandmother, they had to dodge 12-inch nails, open scissors and a vat of
concrete triggered by trip wires; to deal with doorknobs covered with lard and
pieces of glass; and to climb steps that were soaped or greased or contained
protruding nails.
--
Davenport, Iowa, police officer Wayne Dawson filed a lawsuit against the Donut
Time shop over an incident in which he slipped on ice on the shop's walkway.
He had been taking a break in the shop.
--
Town councilors in Hearst, Ontario, ended a longtime tradition of requiring
prospective bridegrooms to be locked in cages in the center of the town, on
public display. The tradition usually goes no further than allowing the
townspeople to throw eggs and tomatoes at the men for a price -- in part to
help the couple get started financially -- but a few years ago, in an extreme
case, one man was given an enema with a grease gun. Local clergy advised
the councilors that some men so fear the prospect, they decline marriage.
--
The 15,000-member Surfrider Foundation, an association of California surfers,
is negotiating with Chevron Oil Corp. over surfing issues. Chevron has
constructed jetties into the ocean to protect underground pipes in its
refinery near Manhattan Beach.
Surfrider claims the jetties have altered the patterns of monster waves in
the area and that Chevron should somehow compensate the area's surfers.
Surfrider recently won a $5.8 million lawsuit against two paper mills for
polluting the Pacific Ocean north of San Francisco and thus harming the
interests of surfers in the area.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Nov 92 12:47:29 GMT
From: cam@castle.ed.ac.uk (Chris Malcolm)
Subject: Royal Jelly
Newsgroups: sci.med,sci.med.nutrition
In article <davidmh-161192121442@jenni.ucc.su.oz.au> davidmh@is.su.edu.au (David Martin Hill) writes:
>I have read a great deal about how wonderful
>Royal Jelly is, and how it contains almost every amino acid known to man
>and needed by man to do all the wonderful things fit healthy and active
>people need to do...
So does haggis, and in addition, it is much cheaper, and contains
sufficient fats and carbohydrates as well to be useable as a complete
food rather than a supplement. Haggis is an old Scottish health food,
made from animal ingredients carefully selected to include those which
the fast-food muscle-meat culture usually throws away, but actually
are richest in trace elements and vitamins as well as amino acids. It
also contains oats, a hardy grain long used by the horse-racing
fraternity to give extra strength and endurance, and a rich source of
the best kind of anti-cholesterol fibre. This balances the inclusion
of plenty of suet, which provides the raw materials neccessary for the
insulation of nervous tissue, lack of which is thought by some to
contribute to degenerative nervous diseases and over sensitivity of
the nervous system to electrical fields. It may also have a positive
contribution to make to brain health, as suggested by a recent UK
study which showed that there was a correlation between high IQ and
higher than average consumption of suet.
In the days when haggis formed part of the general staple diet of
Scotsmen, Scotsmen were so famed for their size and strength that many
European monarchs kept a personal bodyguard of Scots guards. The
haggis-eating Scots have also long been famed for their cleverness,
e.g., the only person who understands the propulsion system of the
Starship Enterprise is a haggis-eating Scot.
As for "all the wonderful things fit healthy and active people need to
do", have you ever wondered why Scotsmen developed the kilt rather
than trousers and underpants? Just think about it...
Eating Royal Jelly turns bees into queens. Is this really what you
want (sorry sir, no offence intended :-) Eat plenty of haggis and
become large, frightening, hairy, and clever! (my apologies madam, I
was just making a general health-food-advertising type of remark,
nothing personal intended :-)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 22 Nov 92 23:11:01 MST
From: Lazlo Nibble <lazlo@triton.unm.edu>
Subject: The Coolest Videotape On Earth
To: eniac
Ha haa . . . my copy of 'Hey Folks, It's Intermission Time' finally came in
from Something Weird Video. It's a collection of old bumper and intermission-
countdown reels from the '50s through the '70s that someone probably dug out
of an abandoned projection building somewhere in the midwest -- great, great
stuff, incuding:
McCarthy-era public-service annoucements: ("Frequent X-RAY
examinations are necessary for good health!" "Go to
Church EVERY SUNDAY!" "It's your country, AMERICA --
Reflect your pride with your EVERY ACTION!" "If you
accidentally rip loose the speaker, deposit it in the
box on the way out!").
Endless parades of popcorn, hot dogs, burgers, dubious-looking
pizza, and Castleberry Barbecue Sandwiches. (My favorite
is an eerie Laurie-Andersonesque ice-cream-bar ad.)
Deliciously rare animated commercials by Peter Max and Jay Ward.
A *full reel* of old live-action-in-the-theatre spook-show promos
("Dr. Satan's 'Real Gone' Spooks-A-Poppin' Show! The
theatre reserves the right to stop the show at ANY TIME if
it becomes TOO S-C-A-R-Y!").
Horribly dated ads for local dairies, dry-cleaners, music shops and
lumber yards.
Clips explaining the "new" MPAA rating system (from the bygone
days of "M" and the noone-under-*16*-admitted "X").
A short reel, made to show in front of some late-60s hardcore flick,
which solemnly hawks "explicit, educational" tomes on human
sexuality.
Between-trailer "Coming Soon"-type bumpers you might remember from
your local art house (I do).
Countdown-to-showtime reels . . . one of which, in a display of sheer
brilliance, features two guys *burglarizing a house* -- just
the thing you want to watch when you've taken the whole family
out to the drive-in for the night!
Real movie-geek wet-dream material.
Something Weird video deals in hard-to-find, public-domain, and just plain
*strange* videos. Their prints are usually of good quality, and let's
face it...you're not going to find compilations of thirties peepshow loops
or '50s women wrestlers at your local Wal-Mart. Three bucks for a catalog
(which is entertaining reading all by itself -- these guys are in it for
the love of what they're selling as well as for the money):
Something Weird Video
P.O. Box 33664
Seattle, WA 98133
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 08:38:39 -0500
From: PTomblin@GVC.COM (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #56 (shorts)
To: spaf
> With the Purchase of your New KITTY KANNON(*), you provide to
> your Household Friend the very Latest in the Benefits of Science. A
> Patented Mixture provides the motive Force to allow your Cat easy
> Entrance and Egress, while at the same time Brushing the Fur and promoting
> Cease of Feline Hyperactivity.
Sounds like a ``Catacomb'' to me....
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 07:40:06 EST
From: "Mark J. Reed" <mark%sware.com@mathcs.emory.edu>
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #56 (shorts) [cutie (3 msgs)]
To: spaf
For the record, all of the "cutie" quotes ("You Know You're from Georgia
when...") were taken from Jeff Foxworthy's _You_Know_You're_a_Redneck_..._
series of books. And as the Atlanta native notes in his introduction, neither
Georgia nor any other state or region has a monopoly on rednecks... :-)
Just to give credit where it is due...
[So that's where I'd seen them! Thanks for pointing this out. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------