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Yucks Digest V2 #56 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 24 Nov 92 Volume 2 : Issue 56
Today's Topics:
"Alliance"
articles we had to read twice...
At the March
Cat doors redux: wildlife problems.
Covington Cross
Cross-disciplinary data analysis
Culture contributions (was: Hey, Americans!)
cutie (3 msgs)
Dan Quayle's "Supporters"
DJ phone pranks
fifty ways to hose your code
foryucks
Getting tenure
Kid's insight into campaign
logician's humor
Lost Gas Cap
Love Me Tender
Mint Money
New software from SunSoft
Or lack thereof...
personal references (as in resumes) (3 msgs)
Put another one on the Barbie...
Real cheap humor
Science Marches On
Superman's death
Twine Ball Wars
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 04 Nov 92 10:24:18 +0200
From: Vita@mhvs1.minsk.by (Gavrilova Victoria)
Subject: "Alliance"
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.offered
"Alliance", Minsk,
Byelarus, 220036
E-mail: vita@mhvs1.minsk.by
Ladies and Jantlemen!
The matrimonial bureau from Minsk (Byelarus) offers the
collaboration for you. We have the vast card index of the
beautiful girls-Slavs and experience in the international
co-operation. If you try to contact wish us it may become
very profitable business for you.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 1992 03:55:25 -0500
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: articles we had to read twice...
To: eniac
> CHELSEA, Mich. (UPI) -- Courtroom security was tight as a church
>deacon and volunteer bus driver was arraigned on charges of sexually
>assaulting five children in his care.
(tight as a church deacon?)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 4 Jun 92 00:05:57 -0700
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: At the March
To: eniac
from this month's glamour magazine:
On april 5, at least half a million people marched past the White
House to the Capitol to show their support for abortion rights.
They carried a wild exurberance of signs, many of them homemade.
Here are some:
"Rapists don't need parental consent, why should their victims?"
"George Bush, when are you available for babysitting?"
"Let me be the judge" (worn by women in black robes)
"I think, therefore I choose"
"Get the Feds out of our beds!"
"We're fierce, we're feminists and we vote!"
"`Right to life/is a lie'/Side with them/and women die"
"Pro-choice IS pro-life"
"George, stay out of my bush"
"Abort the court"
"Pregnant by choice"
"Postmenopausal women, nostalgic for choice"
"Free Barbara Bush!"
"WITCH: Women Interested in Tossing Clarence Thomas into Hell"
"The babies dying are 15 years old"
"George Bush on his yacht, defending choice . . . Not!"
"Barbara, lose the geek!"
"We're here, we're pissed and we're not going shopping!"
"Abortion on demand and without apology"
"If men could get pregnant, then abortion would be a sacrament"
"Get your rosaries off my ovaries"
"Every ejaculation does not need a name"
"Two, four, six, eight/We're the ones who ovulate"
"Thelma and Louise in '92"
"I believe Anita Hill"
"If you're against abortion, don't have one"
"Let's support children who exist"
"Dan Quayle thinks `pro-choice' is a golf tournament"
"I'm a mother by choice, not by nature"
"George, does your antiabortion stance apply to your mistress?"
"Who put the Supreme Court on my pubic hair?"
"Bush has it wrong -- abortion is surgical, war is murder"
"Computer dweebs for choice"
"Pro-family, pro-child, pro-choice"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 16 Nov 92 12:46:41 PST
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: Cat doors redux: wildlife problems.
To: eniac
>So what's the deal... The cat flies the perfect parabola through the
>second story hatch while the raccoons and heavier tomcats are impaled
>on the iron spikes sticking out of the adjacent wall?
>
>I thought the prefered hurling implement of eniac was a trebuchet.
Nope, nope, nope. From this 1878 catalog I just happen to have
handy here...
NO HOME IS COMPLETE without the friendship of a Furry Feline.
And to complete the picture of Perfect Domesticity, our brave Cat must
be free to roam the Environs. Unwanted Visitors may be deterred by
means of the Latest Technology, viz. our Patented KITTY KANNON (sold
east of the Catskills as the Feline Flinger).
With the Purchase of your New KITTY KANNON(*), you provide to
your Household Friend the very Latest in the Benefits of Science. A
Patented Mixture provides the motive Force to allow your Cat easy
Entrance and Egress, while at the same time Brushing the Fur and promoting
Cease of Feline Hyperactivity.
And, at no additional Charge, the Motive Mixture provides an
excellent source of Cat Litter(**). So act today! And provide for
yourself and your Boon Companion the very latest Benefits of Technology!
(*) Specify size: Siamese, Persian, or Kielbasa.
(**) Keep Away from Heat.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 1992 09:38:37 -0500
From: jfwhome.funhouse.com!jfw@eddie.mit.edu
Subject: Covington Cross
To: eniac
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Forwarded from talk.bizarre:
In talk.bizarre chrisl@sancho.sybase.com (Xian the Drive) writes:
>In article <1d417fINNkc@fido.asd.sgi.com>, kenj@kambo.esd.sgi.com
> (Ken "Blackfur" Jones) writes:
>|> This week's "Spot-on" Summary Award goes to my SO, Dean.
>|> After watching ABC's series "Covington Cross" for the first time, he
>|> commented, "It's a medieval `Bonanza.'"
>Also referred to as "Beverly Hills 902AD"
So now we know.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 19:30:18 EST
From: carlo@nu.uchicago.edu (Carlo Graziani)
Subject: Cross-disciplinary data analysis
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I got to thinking about how one might characterize the differences
between various academic disciplines, and it occurred to me that
the style of data analysis that prevails in the field would be a good
measure. For example:
Economists draw straight lines through two points.
Psychologists draw straight lines through one point.
Sociologists do not require any points to draw straight lines.
Botanists can accumulate as many as 1.0E+09 points without drawing
any lines.
Theoretical physicists use as many line segments as necessary to
connect the points that they have.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 6 Jun 92 17:40:53 GMT
From: Oleg Kiselev
Subject: Culture contributions (was: Hey, Americans!)
Having lived in these countries at length,
here are my definitive opinions.
TOP 10 CONTRIBUTIONS TO WORLD CULTURE BY THE BRITISH
1. Page 3 girls
2. Pickled eggs
3. Viz comics
4. Boiled coffee
5. Haggis
6. Snooker
7. Darts
8. Skinheads
9. The Royal Family
10. The Sunday Sport
TOP 11 CONTRIBUTIONS TO WORLD CULTURE BY THE AMERICANS
1. Drive-through bakeries
2. Drive-through video rental shops
3. Drive-through locksmiths
4. Drive-through film developers
5. Drive-through medical clinics
6. Drive-through liquor stores
7. Drive-through grocery stores
8. Drive-in movies
9. Drive-in restaurants
10. Drive-through business brokers for buying drive-through businesses
11. 5-pin bowling
TOP 10 CONTRIBUTIONS TO WORLD CULTURE BY THE CANADIANS
1. Wayne's World
2. William Shatner
3. Hockey
4. The Mounties
5. Billingual Cornflakes boxes
6. Margaret Trudeau
7. Snow
8. John Candy
9. Cross-border shopping
10. Brave enough to feature beavers on currency
------------------------------
Date: 12 Nov 92 04:37:39 EST (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Submitted by Kitty Pinson, Lilburn, Georgia
You Know You're from Georgia when:
You have spray-painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show them your belt buckle.
Your junior-senior prom had child-care available.
The directions to your house include, "turn off the paved road..."
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Nov 92 04:35:35 EST (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie redux
To: spaf
Submitted by Kitty Pinson, Lilburn, Georgia
You Know You're from Georgia when:
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People"
You have a rag for a gas cap.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger-side window of your car.
You barbecue Spam on the grill.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Nov 92 04:36:03 EST (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie redux reflux
To: spaf
Submitted by Kitty Pinson, Lilburn, Georgia
You Know You're from Georgia when:
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
The Redman Chewing Tobacco Co. sends you Christmas Cards.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You call your boss, "Dude."
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need an estimate from the barber before you can get a haircut.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 8 Nov 92 3:20:03 EST
From: DAVE@gergo.tamu.edu (Dave Martin, Geochemical Research, Texas A&M)
Subject: Dan Quayle's "Supporters"
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Keywords: topical, original, offensive(Dan Quayle)
I was watching the election results last night, and was impressed with
the dignity of Dan Quayle's half of the Republican concession. What I
was most surprised at was when the crowd of Bush/Quayle supporters there
started to shout "Ninety-six" repetitively. I thought, "Gee, how rude."
I mean, ol' Dan was already down, admitting defeat, and his OWN people
were kicking him in the guts. I know I'd be rather depressed if those
who claimed to be supporting me started chanting *my* IQ...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Nov 92 19:30:03 EST
From: bskendig@netcom.com (Brian Kendig)
Subject: DJ phone pranks
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(This came by me today. The name of the author has been lost in the
long list of people through whom this has been forwarded.)
In the paper this morning, there was an article about a couple of DJs
on the radio station KSJO here in San Jose. They often play practical
jokes for people on their spouses, friends, etc.
Once, DJ Lamont Hollywood called up a woman named Marcy pretending he
was her husband's boss to tell her, "I've had to fire your husband.
We caught him making love to a secretary in the company cafeteria."
"WHAT?!?!" she yells, not knowing this is all a gag set up by her
husband who is also on the phone line listening. "Do you know we
haven't made love in six months?! He said he had some kind of
impotency problem. Obviously he doesn't have the problem at work."
Lamont tries to calm her down and suggests that she offer her husband
some consolation when he gets home because he has just been fired.
"I'm not even going to BE here," she says. "In fact, thank you.
Thank you for calling. Because I don't have to feel so bad now about
making love to his brother."
Another time, a husband named Tom tried to play a joke on his wife,
Diane, who was vacationing by herself in Tahoe. A man answered the
phone and when the DJs asked who he was, she tried to tell them it was
Tom. Over the next year, Tom was a regular on their show as he went
through his divorce hearings and recently, they tried to set him up on
their radio show, "Love Connection".
And then there was the man who told the hosts his fiancee sunbathed
nude in the backyard. The DJ called up and pretended to be her
nextdoor neighbor and asked for a date. At first she said no, but
then asked... "Are you the guy with the Porsche? I suppose as long
as you don't tell anyone, we can go out. Can you keep your mouth shut?"
------------------------------
Date: 3 Jun 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: deforest@sundae11.dab.ge.com
Subject: fifty ways to hose your code
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Credit for this also belongs to Al Pena.
Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
----- ---- -- ---- ---- ----
Kind of by Paul Simon
The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.
She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.
She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 11:24:41 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: foryucks
To: spaf
From: Charlie Stross <charless@sco.com>
> Forwarded mail from Geoff.Miller@corp.sun.com (Geoff Miller)
> Date: Wed, 11 Nov 92 11:28:32 PST
> Subject: Penguin Lust
> "A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
> on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
> game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
> pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
> along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
> heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
> around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
> direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
> paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
> colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
> fall over gently onto their backs".
> -- Audobon Society Magazine
I have heard that Falkland Islands duty is incredibly boring.
Indeed, it is so bad that the officers, in an attempt to maintain
morale among the soldiers by giving them something to do, have upon
occasion instituted "penguin-righting" squads. Their job is to go
down to the rookeries that lie directly under the flight path of
the Hercules transports and pick up the penguins that have fallen
down watching the big birds go overhead ...
A prize [apocryphal] for the best use for a penguin that's fallen
down and can't get up.
Pip pip ...
------------------------------
From: ronnyk@cs.stanford.edu (Ronny Kohavi)
Subject: Getting tenure
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I got this from Alon Efrat at the Technion, Isarel.
Why God Never Received Tenure at the University
-----------------------------------------------
1. Because He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done
since ?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat
His results.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Nov 92 3:20:03 EST
From: jona@ils.nwu.edu (Kemi Jona)
Subject: Kid's insight into campaign
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From a collection of kids' opinions on the campaign, as quoted in the
Chicago Tribune, 11/3/92.
"I feel Clinton's opposing the Vietnam War isn't an issue, and I probably
would have done the same. As far as Clinton supposedly cheating on his
wife, what do people think he's going to do? Be president of another
country while he's president of ours?"
Tom R., age 12, Woodstock, IL
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 14:50:30 -0800
From: wrl@taurus.apple.com
Subject: logician's humor
To: syssoft
Heard at 1992 Europ. Summer Meeting of Assn. of Symb. Logic. Author unknown.
1. A logician saves the life of a space alien and is rewarded with an offer to
answer any question. After a thought he asks: What is the best question to ask
and the correct answer to it? After a brief panic the alien consults her
computer and says: The best question to ask is the one you just did and the
correct answer to it is the one I gave.
2. In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
But, in practice, there is.
------------------------------
Date: 9 Nov 92 09:30:03 GMT
From: johnc@msc.edu (John D. Cavanaugh)
Subject: Lost Gas Cap
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is a true story ...
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas
station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had
left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure
enough, it was lost. Well, he thought for a second and realized that
other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth
going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't
find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure
enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He
tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.
"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that
fits. And this one's even better because it locks ..."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 May 92 20:54:05 EDT
From: <The_King@cydonia.mars.org>
Subject: Love Me Tender
To: eniac
-----Eniac Questionnaire:
name: Elvis Aaron Presley
city: Not of this world
age: Ageless
education: In the real world
currently working as: Lounge Singer, Space Traffic Coordinator, Mars Spaceport
but wishing you were working as: Undercover agent
have you published anything? yes
what and where? Many records, tapes, and 8-tracks cherished by people
the world (Earth) over.
when did you first started reading the net? June, 1985
what newsgroups you read? alt.alien.visitors
what magazines/newspapers do you read regularly? SPIN, Utne Reader
what television shows do you watch? Mork and Mindy
what do you think is the single worst show on teevee today? Amazing Discoveries
what kind of craft, if any, do you pilot? Pleiadian Galactocruiser
what kind of craft would you prefer to be piloting? Antarean Towne Saucer
how many television sets do you have? 17
how many books? 0 - don't need 'em where I am.
it's a cold rainy saturday afternoon in march -- if you could be any
where in the world, where would you most want to be?
It doesn't rain much on Mars anymore.
it's the end of a beautiful late summer day in august, the corn is
as high as an elephant's eye, it's dusk, where would we mostly
likely find you?
There isn't much corn here either...in fact, not much of a summer, now
that I think of it.
what four things make life worth living for you? music, interplanetary
travel, my fans, and my loved ones
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 21:08:46 -0800
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: Mint Money
To: eniac
from last sunday's chicago tribune:
You should beware of smells that sell
There's more evidence of the infiltration of aroma manipulation in
our lives. Retailers are experimenting with smells intended to
spur spending.
"Stores have manipulated everything else -- the music, the lighting,
the color, the layout -- and so this is the new thing to play with,"
says Susan Knasko, an environmental psychologist at the Monel Chemi-
cal Sense Center, a Philadelphia smell and taste research organiza-
tion.
Marketers are getting wily, flirting with specially engineered scents.
Some examples:
. A "new car" fragrance intended to make -used- cars
more appealing
. Mint-scented money in automated teller machines to
induce frequent use
Not all odor experiments are working. The Knot Shop, a Chicago-based
chain of tie stores, pumped the smell of leather, oak and pipe tobacco
into five stores for about a year. "The idea is that most women* buy
neckware," J'Amy Owns, a consultant for the chain. "And so we wanted
the stores to smell like the ideal man."
But Gene Silverberg, president of the stores' parent company, recently
halted the fragrance infusion. "Frankly," he said, I didn't find it
made enough difference."
-------------
* i think what J'Amy means is that most neckware is bought by women
------------------------------
Date: 5 Nov 92 16:58:19 GMT
From: ric@updike..sri.com
Subject: New software from SunSoft
Newsgroups: comp.unix.solaris,comp.sys.sun.apps
SunSoft is proud to announce the next version of ShowMe. The
new version is to be called ShowMeYours. A companion client product
is called I'llShowYouMine.
The products work as follows: A user with a Sun Monitor or X
terminal places any desired object, say a body part, within the perimeter of
a ShowMeYours frame. The image is rasterized and rapidly sent to
the displays of all other selected displays. Any connected user may then
run I'llShowYouMine. His or her body part image may then be rasterized and
sent back to the ShowMeYours user and other system voyeurs [read
systems programmers].
"We feel that this product fills a unique void in the industry,"
claimed Mr. Scott McFealy, SunSoft spokesperson. "No one but the leader
in Open Zipper Systems is able to deliver this kind of development
environment. We feel that DBE [Distributed Bodies Everywhere] and it's
flagship product ShowMeYours will lead the way in VOPL [Voyeur Oriented
Programming Languages]."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 15 Nov 1992 21:16:54 -0500
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: Or lack thereof...
To: eniac
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. (UPI) -- Convicted prostitute Kathy Willets has
been sentenced to 90 days in jail and a year of house arrest for
violating her probation.
Willets, 34, Thursday pleaded guilty to charges she went to a
counseling session intoxicated, failed to work hard at keeping a
legitimate job, failed to do community service ordered by the court and
did not make restitution payments.
Willets and her husband, former Broward County Sheriff's deputy Jeff
Willets, 42, were convicted of running a brothel from their Tamarac
home. Kathy Willets got probation on prostitution charges and Jeff
Willets got a year in jail for pimping.
The case attained national attention when it was revealed Jeff
Willets hid in a closet and videotaped his wife with clients, one of
whom was former Fort Lauderdale Vice Mayor Doug Danziger.
Jeffrey Willets was released from jail in September after serving six
months but he was arrested again days later for allegedly trying to
choke his wife. He told police he flew into a rage when he overheard a
conversation she had with a friend about the possibility she was
pregnant with another man's child.
Jeff Willets was sentenced to 3 1/2 years and shortly after he arrived
in prison jail officials accused him of offering money to a fellow
inmate to beat up a former client who had a romantic interest in Kathy.
In court Thursday Willets, in handcuffs and near tears, told Circuit
Judge John Frusciante the notoriety of the case and her well known name
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
made it difficult for her to find a job.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Probation officer Starr Barbaro said Willets' job hunting strategy
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
consisted mostly of calling tabloid television shows and media outlets
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
and offering to sell her story.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
------------------------------
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 09:34:18 EST
Subject: Re: references (as in, job resumes)
> Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 10:59:21 EST
> From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
> Subject: references (as in, job resumes)
> To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>
> You folks are a motley group, with wide and varied experience.
> Here's a question for the collective wisdom of eniac:
>
> It's customary to offer both professional and personal
> references in a job application. I know what to do
> about professional references. But I've never had a
> job where I screened or evaluated job applicants, so
> I'm not so sure what employers want or expect in the
> way of 'personal' references. What do they want to see?
>
> Wishing he had flirted more assiduously with Mother Teresa
> at that cocktail party,
>
> Xopher
A few hints:
Personal references to people with one name does not support an
application. Thus, do not list references like Spike, Butch, Killer,
Spaf or Xopher.
Personal references of cartoon characters or small animals (or most
large ones) also tends to discourage employers, unless you are
applying for a job at Disney Studios. Likewise, Santa Claus, although
he knows if you've been bad or good, is not a useful reference.
Personal references to imaginary beings who cannot be reached by phone
or mail because they are currently off-planet or traveling through the
19th dimension will not support your application unless they are also
old friends of your interviewer from those wild and crazy college
days.
Personal references to people dead more than a few weeks, or to people
you knew in past lives are unlikely to be useful unless you are
applying to be Shirley MacLaine's publicist.
Using anyone in elected office is unlikely to help you unless you are
applying for an appointed political position.
Do not cite any of the following as references:
* your parole office
* any lawyer
* your analyst
* former cellmates
* close personal friends with whom you've shared STDs
* anyone whose home address is of the form "corner of 3rd and Main"
* anyone under the age of 5
These, of course, are only guidelines and suggestions. Specific cases
may vary, and an ideal reference may be in one or two of the above.
For instance, Mother Theresa and Bill Gore might be good personal
references right now even though they may fit into several of the
above categories.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 92 10:34:10 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: personal references (as in resumes)
To: eniac
I had written:
>> I'm not so sure what employers want or expect in the
>> way of 'personal' references. What do they want to see?
and spaf answered:
>> Personal references to people with one name does not support an
>> application. Thus, do not list references like Spike, Butch, Killer,
>> Spaf or Xopher.
Damn! And I devoted the entire decade from 1970 to 1980
earning *damn* good personal references from people
called things like 'Spike' and 'Killer'. To the exclusion
of all other hobbies (though possibly with less palpable
success than Howard's brilliant cousin 'M').
>> Personal references of cartoon characters or small animals (or most
>> large ones) also tends to discourage employers, unless you are
>> applying for a job at Disney Studios. Likewise, Santa Claus, although
>> he knows if you've been bad or good, is not a useful reference.
How unfair. It seem like Mike O'Brien should be
allowed (even encouraged) to list that tiger...
Anyway, thanks.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 11:29:07 +0100
From: Kanthan.Pillay@berlioz.crs4.it
Subject: references (as in, job resumes)
To: eniac
xopher writes:
>It's customary to offer both professional and personal
>references in a job application. I know what to do
>about professional references. But I've never had a
>job where I screened or evaluated job applicants, so
>I'm not so sure what employers want or expect in the
>way of 'personal' references. What do they want to see?
Someone I know uses this line:
"My brother knows the man that owns the mule that Sissy Spacek rode in
'Coalminer's Daughter'."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 13 Nov 1992 09:28:34 PST
From: "Chris Kent Kantarjiev" <cak@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: Put another one on the Barbie...
To: The great and wonderful eniac <eniac
>From today's paper:
A Glen Offield of San Diego had his house torched (twice). It seems
the arsonist was attempting to conceal a theft. What was stolen. Poor
Glen's entire Barbie collection. This guy had over five thousand Barbies,
and not just Barbies, either. He had Kens, Skippers, houses, clothes,
Corvettes, a copy of just about every piece of Barbie dreck manufactured
between '59 and '72. And some creep ripped 'em all off & burned the guys
now-Barbieless house down.
The really sad part is tha Offield says he has no friends. He has no
family. He didn't have *anything* except his Barbie collection. After
the fire Offield told reporter, "I don't know if I could live without
them."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 May 92 08:46:48 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Real cheap humor
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@ic.berkeley.edu>
Date: Fri, 29 May 92 06:15:17 MDT
Check out the suggested spelling #4 for E. W. Dijkstra.
Or Unisys suggested spelling #2.
Or Internet #3.
Or ISO's #3.
Do computers have an inner truth or what!
Subject: Cheap Humor
Running Ian Joyner's "C++ Critique" through the Frame spelling checker, I
got the following corrections (among others):
typeless -> topless, tipples, tupelos, tubeless, tepees, talipes, diploes
Smalltalk -> Osmolality, Semilegal, Somatology, Somatically, Small-time
C++'s -> cays, caws, cows, chaos
ISO's -> oasis, isseis, asses, hisses, isles, usus, hoses, ashes, yeses
schemas -> schemes, sachems, scams, scums, Schuman, sedums, skeanes
Toolbox -> Hotbox, Tabloids, Towboats, Tobago, Globoid
Djikstra -> Jackstraw, Digester, Detester, Jockstrap, Jackscrew, Dextral,
Digastric, Dextran, Judoist, Duckiest
Zealand -> Sealant, Thailand, Hazelnut, Aslant, Salaamed, Selenide, Solenoid
globals -> globules
obverting -> biliverdin, beverage, obventio, Bavarian
AT&T's -> autos, actus, taus, altos, taws, altius, talus, hatless, tallish
lifecycle -> life-style, wifeliest
Whorf -> Wharf, Reroof, Whirs, Wirer, Wormy
Unisys -> Unsays, Anises, Anuses, Onuses, Noises, Niseis, Unseals, Noses,
Nooses, Insoles, Omissus, Unlooses, Noshes
gotos -> togas, goats, guyots, toots, tatoos, dodos, togues, ghettos, goatees
Modula -> Medulla, Muddle, Nodule, Macula
emboldened -> molybdenite, ebodiment, embedment, molybdenum
mistyped -> unstopped, insteps, misdating, mastodon, mastoids
Internet -> Interned, Intermont, Intolerant
unshrunk -> insurant, unshorn, enthroned, anserine, anthurium, mushroomed
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 92 06:47:41 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Science Marches On
To: eniac
> Their motto: "Real radios glow in the dark."
And keep your toes warm on winter nights.
>haha.... then there are those of us in the digital portion of the ham
>radio community, who believe that the lights should dim when you turn
>the computers on (ok, all those of us who've set up unix hosts specifically
>to allow ax.25/ka9q folks to connect to your home ethernet, raise your
>hand...)
Uh, my hands are up. Also my feet. But what do you mean, "turn them on"?
Do you ever turn them off?
>we don't have terminals in the master bedroom, the bathrooms, or on the
>dock yet, but it's probably only a matter of time. after all, we're just
>getting moved in.
I'm typing from the master bedroom at this moment. There are terminals
in the guest room, hobby room, dining room, living room, and garage.
I've only got four hosts on the house Ethernet, since the laptop won't
connect and I don't see the value of putting the MIDI system online
until I upgrade it to a faster processor. And I really need to do
something about the connection to the internet: 19.2kb/s SLIP just
isn't fast enough.
What I need to do next is figure out some way for the cats to enjoy the
computers besides sleeping on them. I know that Woodstock will happily
chase her laser beam around the livingroom rug for hours; if I had some
way for the computer to direct the beam, perhaps by the time I'm ready
for bed she'll be more inclined to imitate a meatloaf than a zoomcat.
Brimstone is more easily amused; I could probably leave EGAFISH running
on one of the PCs for her.
Yeah, I'm crazy. I have the shrink to prove it.
- Brian
------------------------------
Date: Sat Sep 5 12:00:02 EST 1992
From: spaf
Subject: Superman's death
To: yucks
[I saved this from when it appeared. Now that the actual books are on
sale... --spaf]
In an AP story in today's paper, we see a piece entitled "How Superman
could have checked out." This accompanies the news that Supe gets
killed in a showdown with some creature named "Doomsday" in issue #75,
to be published in November.
The piece is subtitled "The Top 10 list of other ways the Superman
could pass on." Without further ado, here they are:
10) Caught with Wonder Woman by Lois Lane
9) Gets bad vectors from air traffic controller
8) Loses drunken Russian Roulette game with Batman
7) Beaten to death by crazed "entrepreneurs."
6) Undercooks pork with heat vision
5) Bungee jumping tragedy at Daily Planet building
4) Crazed Jimmy Olsen opens fire in newsroom
3) Enters "George Hamilton Tanning Competition" in red sun solar system
2) Commits suicide after playing Judas Priest album backwards
1) Mistakenly orders "Happy Meal" with Kryptonite shake
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 14 Nov 92 20:49:49 PST
From: David_A_Fiske@cup.portal.com
Subject: Twine Ball Wars
To: eniac
Tales from the Twine Ball Front
from the book The New Roadside America, by Mike Wilkins, Ken Smith
and Doug Kirby:
"Twine Ball Battle
"In Darwin, MN, sits the world's largest twine ball. It weighs
21,140 pounds, is twelve feet in circumference [sic], and was the
creation of Francis A. Johnson. After Johnson's death, the city
moved the ball and the silo that sheltered it into a special
city lot across from the park. Unfortunately, it has put a big
Plexiglas shield over the entranceway, making photos and true
communion difficult.
"Frank Stoeber of Cawker City, KS, saw Johnson's twine ball as a
challenge. He started amassing his own ball, and soon had over
1,600,000 feet of twine rolled into a sphere eleven feet in
circumference [sic] --only a foot shy of the Darwin champion.
Success seemed inevitable. Then, Frank Stoeber died. Cawker City,
in a touching tribute, built an open-air gazebo over his ball
and set it up on Main Street, where it can still be smelled and
admired by travelers."
[The authors used circumference, when they meant diameter. Hence
the 'sics'.]
from The Daily Gazette (Schenectady), 10/14/92:
"Man Hopes String Ball Lassoes Record
"The Associated Press
"Mountain Sprints, Texas--A 71-year-old rancher is asking the
Guinness Book of Records to accept his documentation and declare
him the new King of String.
"J.C. Payne's multicolored ball of string has a 41 1/2-foot
circumference, 18 inches greater than the largest ball on record.
"It sits in Payne's barn in Mountain Springs, 50 miles north of
Dallas. He tied the last knots a few weeks ago and had the ball's
size certified by Cooke County surveyor Delbert West. It stands
13 feet, 2 1/2 inches tall.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 09 Nov 92 11:40:39 PST
From: lsc@Eng.Sun.COM
To: spaf, jeanne@chryse.Eng.Sun.COM
> Just read "The Big Bow Mystery"...
>
> "There are three reasons why men of genius have long hair. ...
>
>[How about men of genius with receding hairlines?
> --spaf, feeling left out again]
Would you settle for "sexy"? After all, if the readers of TV Guide
pick Patrick Stewart as the man they'd most like to be trapped with in
a shuttlecraft or whatever it was, receding hairlines must be In, no?
At least, as long as you don't emulate another well-known television
celebrity, who's also perceived as a "power"-ful character:
Montgomery "That's Mister Burns to you" Burns, who we know (from last
week's episode) uses scalp wax--and if you watched last week, you'll
also have seen how Marge spurned Burns for a man with *even* *less* hair,
hubby Homer.
[Somehow, being compared to a yellow, bald cartoon character does
make me feel better.... --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------