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Yucks Digest V2 #58 (mixed length items)
Yucks Digest Wed, 2 Dec 92 Volume 2 : Issue 58
Today's Topics:
Best Xmas Wishes
cutie (2 msgs)
Driving (fwd)
Excerpted for your enjoyment...
fireplace ash chute (for yucks)
IBM gets hip!
If the World Were a Village of 1000 People
Netwit Volume 3, Number 12
NOTW
Quayle Joke
Side Notes to a Deposition
The Sweet Smell of Success
The Wandering Bard's Beowulf
Tree trimming
Warning! Do not read this article
Weird Vibrating Sound FX
world knowledge of high school students, true
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1992 02:39:52 GMT
From: schnitzi@cs.ucf.edu (Mark Schnitzius)
Subject: Best Xmas Wishes
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
My mom has one of those little paperweight thingies with a nice little
christmas scene encased in water and artificial snowflakes that you shake
up to make a tiny snowstorm.
I got to thinking that if I had designed it, it would probably show a
kid walking through the woods who stumbles on a hornets' nest, with
little black specks in the water.
------------------------------
Date: 24 Nov 92 04:43:23 EST (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by wegdcb!gcegb
GOPHER BROKE
If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war,
As well as by traffic and crime,
Consider how worry-free gophers are,
Though living on burrowed time.
--Richard Armour, WSJ 11/7/83.
------------------------------
Date: 30 Nov 92 04:35:01 EST (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: wegdcb!gcegb
CINEMA ITEM
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The
Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets
Aforethought."
----Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 92 13:35:52 PST
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Subject: Driving (fwd)
To: eniac
Forwarded message:
---------------
Subject: Driving
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 92 14:56:15 +0000
From: Marc Evans - Contract Software Hacker <apple!zk3.dec.com!evans>
WHAT DRIVING TO THE STORE WOULD BE LIKE IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN YOUR CAR
MS-DOS: You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because
attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store, and the car
drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching speeds of
200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says, "go to the
store." Then you get out of the car and mail the letter to your
dashboard.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells
you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his
Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to the store.
Halfway there you run out of gas. While walking the rest of the way,
you are run over by kids on mopeds.
OS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the
store, where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Nov 92 11:38:32 -0800
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted for your enjoyment...
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Excerpted from a mailing list:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I don't know how many of you folks read alt.sex.bondage. I suspect that
enough of you don't so that this will be new...
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup, and occasionally has problems
with folks harrassing her. She came up with this in response to one...
> Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. When
> fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was bisexual, but that
> he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't meet either of my standards.
> But if it makes you feel more comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to
> the bedposts this morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
>
> "Just think," said
>
> Nurse Jones,
> "... that was four
> hours ago and
> my sperm count
> is probably *still*
> higher than yours."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 1992 17:08:36 -0700
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: fireplace ash chute (for yucks)
To: spaf
spaf - neat things apperar in unusual places. Larry Suddarth had
posted in misc.consumers.house about a full ash chute in his
fireplace.
He then followed up with a clarification...
=> Perhaps I should have been clearer in my explanation. Several people have
=> E-Mailed me to check behind bushes outside. That wouldn't do any good since
=> the fireplace is in the middle of an interior wall. It extends into the
=> basement where it is in the middle of the floor. There are no doors or
=> clean-out traps. So far the only viable solution has been to use a shop
=> vac down the chute or have a sweep do it for me. Any other ideas??
Jonathan Quist then posted the following suggestion.
=> Remove the exterior walls in the room behind the fireplace, and backfill
=> with clay and topsoil. Landscape, including some shrubbery.
=> Then go outside and check behind the bushes.
=>
=> Does that help?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Nov 1992 06:33:24 PST
From: Tony_Cunningham <tjc@uucp.insignia>
Subject: IBM gets hip!
To: Luser-Abuse@com.xerox.europarc
It seems that IBM engineers in California are reeping the benefits of the
company's new, relaxed attitudes. Every Friday is now "Dress Down Friday"
and engineers are allowed to come to work in any clothes they like on a
Friday. As a special treat, this privilege has been extended to the week
before christmas.
I wish I could work at such a relaxed place.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1992 19:20:14 GMT
From: TSHAPIN@biivax.dp.BECKMAN.COM (Ted Shapin)
Subject: If the World Were a Village of 1000 People
Newsgroups: wstd.mail.peacenet
This was prepared by Donella H. Meaderos as part of a
beautiful large poster showing the earth from space and made for
the alternative environmental conference in Rio. Available from
Value Earth, 707 White House Pike, C-2, Absecon, New Jersey, 08201.
Phone 609-641-2400.
- - -
If the world were a village of 1,000 people, it would include:
584 Asians
124 Africans
95 East and West Europeans
84 Latin Americans
55 Soviets (including for the moment Lithuanians, Latvians,
Estonians, and other national groups.
52 North Americans
6 Australians and New Zealanders
The people of the village have considerable difficulty in
communicating:
165 people speak Mandarin
86 English
83 Hindu/Urdu
64 Spanish
58 Russian
37 Arabic
That list accounts for the mother tongues of only half the
villagers. The other half speak (in descending order of
frequency) Bengali, Portuguese, Indonesian, Japanese, German,
French, and 200 other languages.
In this village of 1,000 there are:
329 Christians (among them 187 Catholics, 84 Protestants, 31
Orthodox)
178 Moslems
167 "non-religious"
132 Hindus
60 Buddhists
45 Atheists
3 Jews
86 all other religions
One-third (330) of the 1,000 people in the world village are
children and only 60 are over the age of 65. Half the children
are immunized against preventable infectious diseases such as
measles and polio.
Just under half of the married women in the village have access
to and use modern contraceptives.
The first year 28 babies are born. That year 10 people die, 3 of
them for lack of food, 1 from cancer, 2 of the deaths are of
babies born within the year. One person of the 1,000 is infected
with the HIV virus; that person most likely has not yet developed
a full-blown case of AIDS.
With the 28 births and 10 deaths, the population of the village
in the second year is 1,018.
In this thousand-person community, 200 people receive 75 percent
of the income; another 200 receive only two percent of the
income.
Only 70 people of the 1,000 own an automobile (although some of
the 70 own more than one automobile).
About one-third have access to clean safe drinking water.
Of the 670 adults in the village, half are illiterate.
The village has six acres of land per person, 6,000 acres in all,
of which
700 acres are crop land
1,400 acres pasture
1,900 acres woodland
2,000 acres desert, tundra, pavement and other wasteland
The woodland is declining rapidly; the wasteland is increasing.
The other land categories are roughly stable.
The village allocates 83 percent of its fertilizer to 40 percent
of its crop land -- that owned by the richest and best-fed 270
people. Excess fertilizer running off this land causes pollution
in lakes and wells. The remaining 60 percent of the land, with
its 17 percent of the fertilizer, produces 28 percent of the food
grains and feeds for 73 percent of the people. The average grain
yield on that land is one-third the harvest achieved by the
richer villagers.
In the village of 1,000 people there are:
5 soldiers
7 teachers
1 doctor
3 refugees driven from home by war or drought
The village has a total budget each year, public and private of
over $3 million -- $3,000 per person if it is distributed evenly
(which, we have already seen, it isn't).
Of the total $3 million:
$181,000 goes to weapons and warfare
$159,000 for education
$132,000 for health care
The village has buried beneath it enough explosive power in
nuclear weapons to blow itself to smithereens many times over.
These weapons are in the control of just 100 people. The other
900 people are watching them with deep anxiety, wondering whether
they can learn to get along together; and if they do, whether
they might set off the weapons anyway through inattention or
technical bungling; and if they ever decide to dismantle the
weapons where in the world village they can dispose of the
radioactive materials of which the weapons are made.
- - end - -
[At least a couple of them would also subscribe to Yucks. :-) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Nov 92 9:48:32 EDT
From: python!knodel@saqqara.cis.ohio-state.edu (Jeffrey H. Knodel)
Subject: Netwit Volume 3, Number 12
To: yucks
Now, this being the Thanksgiving day issue of Netwit, you may expect
some mildly amusing intro about spending time with lots of weird
relatives, the decimation of the native American population by the
settlers, or perhaps even something about the entirely too early
beginning of the Christmas shopping season. But no. Instead lets
talk turkey.
It has been my, shall we say, pleasure, to become intimately familiar
with one of these fair creatures in the past 24 hours. No, I'm not
saying that I have finally become so desperate that I have started
dating outside my species, thankyouverymuch.
The first thing that struck me about this raw, just thawed bird (once
he was out of his natural plastic wrapper) is this small ceramic
looking device buried in his chest.
[I take time out now to confess that I am a sexist pig, and freely
admit that the sexual organs of the bird were not intact when I came
into the picture, and this turkey could very well have been female. I
however prefer to use the pronoun 'he' in reference to the bird. So
sorry.]
At any rate, here was this little red and white thing sticking out of
this guys chest.
[Speaking of chest, why is it that poultry parts are all named after
parts of the female body that males gawk after? Breasts, thighs,
legs. Why is it a chicken *breast* instead of chest, or torso? And
why do you have thighs *and* legs? Isn't a thigh part of a leg?
Shouldn't it be 'thighs and calfs'? Drumsticks you say? Have you
ever seen a drumstick shaped like a drumstick? (no, the drum set Barney
played in 'The Flinstones' Ronk 'n' Roll special does not count.)]
So anyway, I call up the grocery store that sold me Mr. Turkey [no not
Ms. Turkey, sue me] and I say, "You sold me a defective turkey! Its
sick; its got a pacemaker sticking out of its chest!"
After a short time, the grocer managed to convince me that this was
not a pacemaker, but actually a thermometer that would 'pop out' when
the turkey was done all the way through. Cool. Isn't it amazing the
things they are doing with genetic engineering these days. Though I
imagine it leads to a higher turkey mortality rate. I mean, imagine
on a warm day, when the turkey has been out in the hot sun, doing
whatever it is that turkeys do out in the hot sun. Suddenly he gets
just a little too hot and POW, a thermometer pops out of his chest.
Imagine the surprised look on his face.
So I look on the package for preparation instructions, and right there
it says, 'You idiot, its a thermometer.' (lotta good that does me now
that the grocer thinks I'm nuts) Then the package informs me that I
need to remove all of the internal organs before cooking! You mean to
tell me that you cut off the turkeys head, plucked all of the
feathers, shoved this metal contraption up the turkeys butt to hold
his legs together and LEFT THE INTERNAL ORGANS IN? Well, upon further
investigation, the grocer informed me that some people actually *eat*
turkey spleens (or whatever it is that turkeys happen to have). Fine.
I roll up my sleeve slide my hand inside the (rather unresponsive)
turkey and I feel... a paper bag!
What the hell kinds of things are they feeding turkeys these days to
make them store all of their organs in what looks very much like a
family size tea bag full of turkey guts. (what a beverage that would
make... "Care for some gizzards and Crumpets, my dear?")
As it turns out, "the bag is used to make broth from the organs
without actually eating the organs", and "Why don't you shop somewhere
else, and leave me alone, you idiot?"
Fed up with technological marvels, I throw the turkey into a pan,
throw him in the oven, and cook until the thermometer pops out of his
chest, and viola, the house is filled with that delicate Thanksgiving
day smell.
Time passes, and I begin to carve the turkey into slices so that the
extended family can savor my culinary expertise. I've done this part
before, so I'm not expecting any surprises. This one is just a little
bigger, and more shapely that i've sliced before. About halfway
through My knife strikes something hard. A little excavating and I
discover a *bone*. A few more cuts, and an entire skeletal system is
uncovered; ribcage, backbone, hip joints, the whole works.
Discussing it with my relatives, we determined that I had previously
carved a different kind of turkey, that, like ham, is specially bread
to be boneless, and shaped like a loaf of bread. This leaves many
questions unanswered, though. For example, if there are turkey ribs,
why have I never heard of people eating 'barbecued turkey ribs'? And,
since there is only one wishbone, what if you have three people who
want to make a wish? I tried calling my grocer, but apparently he is
having financial troubles, as his phone number has been disconnected.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Nov 92 18:07:57 -0500
From: wisner@uunet.uu.net
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
The Two Rivers Baptist Church in Memphis established a special Christian
Halloween exhibit ("Judgment House") this year to compete with local haunted-
house exhibits that church officials fear are tools of the devil.
"Halloween used to be fun and silly," said church official Jeff Atwood.
"(Now) it encourages occultic activity."
One Two Rivers room is "hell," with 140-degree hot-air vents, and another
shows Jesus on the judgment throne allowing Christians into heaven while
dispatching their non-Christian loved ones to hell.
In San Diego, the Potter's House Christian Fellowship's Halloween haunted-
house exhibit featured graphic skits showing aborted fetuses.
--
Elizabeth Teague, 30, jailed in Burlington, Vt., pending trial for killing her
boss in 1991, was charged with attacking her cellmate, who objected to
Teague's reading the Bible out loud. According to cellmate Karen Jarvis,
Teague "pounced on me like a wild animal. She was banging my head against the
concrete wall, and she was banging my face against the metal on the top of the
bunk bed."
[This will undoubtedly be part of next year's Christian Haunted House. --spaf]
--
Charles County, Md., County Administrator Melvin S. Bridgett was charged with
theft from the county-owned White Plains gold course. Bridgett, highest-
ranking and highest-paid employee of the county, worked weekends as a clerk
at the gold shop. On at least three occasions, police said, his thefts were
videotaped by a hidden camera.
[I think that should be "golf" and not "golf", above and below. --spaf]
--
Lawrence Werner was charged with disorderly conduct at the Oxford Valley gold
course in Levittown, Pa., in July. Werner and his group had tried to move
past a slower-moving group to gt to a tee, provoking a man in that slower group
to threaten Werner with a club. Werner pulled a .38-caliber pistol out of
his gold bag and, not surprisingly, his group was permitted to play through.
--
An investigation by the Dallas Morning News revealed the city's public schools
employ at least 185 people who have been convicted of felonies, including two
convicted murderers. In response, the school superintendent promised that the
city would begin periodic records checks.
--
The Millbourne, Pa., Borough Council voted in June to make it illegal to grow
corn or other vegetables to a height of 6 feet or greater. Asked the purpose
of the law, a police officer said, "If you have 8-foot corn stalks, it's easy
for people to hide behind them."
--
The Ontario Press Council dismissed a complaint filed by Allan Sorensen
against the Toronto Sun, which had reported that Sorenson had choked his
ex-girlfriend. Sorensen's complaint was that his reputation was damaged
because the Sun engaged in "speculation" that he had used only one hand
to choke her (the other being forced into her mouth). In fact, he said he
used both hands.
--
The Los Angeles Department of Water and Power (DWP) was ordered to pay
$333,000 in penalties to Inyo County because DWP's property tax payment
arrived late -- after having been sent back for $3.40 in additional postage.
--
Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy
with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball
with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking
steps without dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase
asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then
allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now.
Did I travel?"
--
Police in Georgetown, Texas, said when arresting George Vasquez, 17, on
suspicion of shooting a 12-year-old girl and her 8-year-old brother to
death that Vasquez chose the house he would commit a murder in by means
of an eeny-meeny-miney-mo exercise.
------------------------------
From: entpph@ritvax.isc.rit.edu
Subject: Quayle Joke
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
So there's this guy, see. Standing on a street corner in Washington, D.C.
And he's shouting: "The Vice President is an Idiot! The Vice President is
an Idiot!"
And the Secret Service rushes him, pins him to the ground and tells him
he's under arrest. Insulting the Vice President is against the law.
"I wasn't insulting our Vice President," he says, "I was talking about
the Vice President of Mexico."
"Hah," says the secret service guy, "You can't fool us. We know whose
Vice President is an Idiot."
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Nov 92 19:30:03 EST
From: jlee@smylex.UUCP (Jeff Lee)
Subject: Side Notes to a Deposition
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Court reporting runs in my family; I came across this gem recently in
some of the old files. My grandfather's brother, in the days before
computer-aided transcription (or even Steno machines), would dictate
his shorthand notes onto a reel-to-reel tape recorder, and sent the
tape to a typist.
One day, in a strange mood, he interrupted his notes to wax philosophic;
the typist, for some reason, kept his diatribe in the witness' testimony.
(Fortunately, the extraneous bit was removed before the final copy was
sent out of the office...)
Here it is (names have been changed):
-----O-----
Q Now, would you tell the court in your own words concerning
the general demeanor and actions of John Smith,
which would throw any light on his competency, his mental
competency? Tell the court in your own words.
A It is a long story, but if the court is willing, I will
tell it.
Q It will save my questioning you. I think you are intelli-
gent enough to tell the court what you know.
A I knew very little about the family except that they
lived next door and minded their own business. I had no
trouble with them. They were quiet, the children were
co-operative, they kept the children at home. The elderly
gentleman, Mr. Smith, we had very little association
with him at first, but we had a big cat -- a very valuable
cat, by the way -- that we had brought with us from Texas,
and which was a show cat. Mr. Smith had made friends
with this cat, which was a difficult thing to do because
the cat had been castrated when young and was not friendly.
Operator, let us go off the record for a moment so that
we may consider the last statement of the witness.
At first blush I thought it was a perfect example of non
sequitur, the jumping from an insufficient premise to a
faulty conclusion. It seemed to me that the witness'
reasoning was wholly wrong: that here should have been a
placid cat; a happy, contented cat; a cat not subject to
the storms and stresses of natural tomcathood; but one that
could eat and sleep in the sunshine, and purr with no hate
in his soul. But the lady was qualified in psychiatry. She
was educated, and so I gave ear again to her words and
another picture began to develop. I noted that she did not
state that this cat was a kitten when he suffered this
great loss, but that he was young -- there's the difference.
In my mind's eye, I see not a fuzzy, thoughtless kitten,
but a young tomcat; a lusty, healthy young animal, one who
is old enough to have forsaken the fireside for a night or
two, one who had been on the tiles, so to speak, and who
had roamed an alley or two in his day. I see a cat
developing into lusty tomhood, finding life good indeed.
Then I see this catastrophe, this cataclysm, if I may say
so, befall him. I see him seized by a human, or two humans,
and subjected to the greatest, basest indignity that could
be inflicted upon cat or man. I can picture the horrible
scars upon his psyche, the agonized distortion of his very
soul, as he tries unsuccessfully to adjust himself to his
terrific loss.
Ah, bad enough at his home in Texas, but then -- horror
upon horrors -- he is wrenched away and brought to a
strange city, a strange house, that in itself unbearable
to cats. I see him fighting another battle with humiliation
and frustration, surrounded on all sides by his ancient
enemy, Man, who had de-flowered him in his youth.
And is that all? No! Where did his family take him? Where
did they force him to live? NEXT DOOR TO A VETERINARY
SURGEON!
Yes, I agree. I see here a cat with no cause to be friendly.
I see a very bitter cat.
Now, following the witness' statement out, I find that
her reasoning is quite sound. Here is this cat, bitter
against Man, retired from the world, haunted and hagridden
by his memories, ruined and betrayed by Man. He sees Mr.
John Smith and his lip curls in scorn and hatred. He
sees him again and again and one day a curious sensation
comes to him. He sees Mr. Smith pottering about the yard,
while perchance the March breezes blow, the ladies passing
down the street, their dresses pleasingly elevated by the
wind. It occurs to him Mr. Smith pays no attention to them,
and he realizes in some dim, feline fashion that here, though
he be a member of the tribe of his ancient enemy, is one in
much the same condition as he.
And so, hatred gives way to toleration, and toleration
finally ripens into friendship.
Operator, this bitter cat realizes that he and Mr. Garrett
are brothers under the skin -- the foreskin, that is.
Now back to the record.
------------------------------
From: csh@ulysses.att.com
Subject: The Sweet Smell of Success
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From "TV Guide", Aug. 1-7:
A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to
millions of PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC
export "Upstairs, Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to
other projects,...it's with Rose she's forever identified. So
much so that she even likes to joke about having one named after
her, a distinction not without its drawbacks. "I was very
flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked up the official
description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very good in beds;
better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not true. I'm
very good in beds as well."
------------------------------
Date: 29 Nov 92 23:48:06 EST
From: <WBARD@CSI.compuserve.com>
Subject: The Wandering Bard's Beowulf
Important test!
Can you translate this Anciente Englishe Texte? If so, you may have
the potential for an exciting career in endoplasmic research!
Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen;
Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht.
[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl,
AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd.
[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye
Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe;
Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse.
Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle.
Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes;
Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?"
Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp
Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe.
"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete."
Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson
Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen.
Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar,
Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu."
Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 02 Dec 92 08:13:38 EST
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: Tree trimming
To: various people
[invitation to social event omitted. --spaf]
There will be absolutely no gerbil flossing. Sorry, Spaf. Shawn is
not allowed to select the wine. The car is a new '92 Subaru Legacy
with ABS and a driver's side air bag, for later. Act now! This is a
limited time offer, and demand is sure to be high! This offer void
where prohibited, licensed or taxed. Manufacturer's suggested retail
price. Cash value, 1/20 of one cent. Keep out of reach of children.
Do not operate in or near water. You'll shoot your eye out.
Reproductions of this broadcast, in full or in part, without the
express written consent of the National Football League and the
Cleveland Browns is strictly prohibited. Go west, young man.
Caution! Filling may be hot!
[map omitted. --spaf]
s "As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had
brought the potato salad." c
--
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Nov 92 4:30:02 EST
From: belboz@frc2.frc.ri.cmu.edu (Barry Brumitt)
Subject: Warning! Do not read this article
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Here are some actual quotes from labels on packing of common household
products.
<These are culled from rec.pets.... - Barry>
=-=-=
I was rather amused at the information written on the bag [of JONNY
CAT, cat litter].
The best has to be: "JONNY CAT is the best value for your money. A 20 lb.
bag of JONNY CAT contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more
than 14 lb. bags!"
Other importanant info:
"100% natural clay mined from a rare deposit makes Jonny Cat
especially absorbent."
AND THEN they have a section for "Other Uses" of Jonny Cat:
"GARAGE SPILLS-sweeps up oil and grease and reduces stains"
"TRASH CANS-a layer on the bottom reduces odors and discourages flies"
"REFRIGERATORS- an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"GARDENS-enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
=-=-=
As I contemplated posting this, I glanced accross my desk at the used
Dr. Pepper bottle, to find ONE MORE little tidbit:
"(!)WARNING: CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. CAP MAY BLOW OFF CAUSING EYE OR
OTHER SERIOUS INJURY. POINT AWAY FROM PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY WHILE OPENING."
So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! AT ANY MOMENT, WITHOUT
WARNING, it may just explode!
=-=-=
It cracks me up every time I see a juice
carton, with the words "Serve ice cold" written on it. How else would
you serve ice?
=-=-=
From a kid's Halloween costume (superman) - stitched into the
cape was a tag saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not
Enable Wearer To Fly".
From a Pop-Tart (TM) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot
When Heated"
From a newspaper article: "A congressionally-funded study has
determined that many smokers are ignoring the warning labels
on cigarette packages"
From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not
Use While Sleeping"
They never cease to amaze me.
=-=-=
On the package for Top Cog <tm> fan belts (automotive use), the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.
=-=-=
From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing
ways to "beat the heat."
"No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
=-=-=
And my personal favorite....
Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant:
"Caution: DO NOT LICK LID"
=-=-=
written on the back of one of those things you put in your car windshield
on sunny days when you park to keep your dash from melting:
DO NOT OPERATE VEHICLE WITH SCREEN IN PLACE
=-=-=
from the Indigo Owners Manual p 6-9
Hardware Dos and Don'ts
...
Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
=-=-=
And my favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels
in restrooms. It says something like:
Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!
=-=-=
Speaking of injury and death.... I recently bought a radial arm saw,
admittedly a genuinely dangerous product. Of course the manual had
two or three warnings per page about hands, fingers, and arms being
cut off. The one that really suprised me was the warning on one page
about cutting your *leg* off. It took me quite a few days of
pondering to figure out how that could be accomplished, but I haven't
tried it yet. I even figured out one way that you could cut your
*head* off, and there wasn't even a warning about that!
=-=-=
Back in the good old days when TRS-80s were king, one of the TRS-80 line
printers had a wonderfully ambiguous warning sticker:
" Keep hair, fingers, and personal objects out of this printer."
We always wondered what was meant by "personal objects", and what sort
of person you'd have to be to put a "personal object" into one.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Nov 1992 21:50:38 GMT
From: juggle@athena.mit.edu (???)
Subject: Weird Vibrating Sound FX
Newsgroups: alt.guitar.tab
Well, I read some post about vibrators, and figured that would be a
worthwhile thing to try.
So I went out and got a vibrator (don't ask me where, 'cause I ain't gonna
tell you), you know, one of those artificial battery powered penis things,
popped in two new C cells and ran it next to my Les Paul copy bridge
humbucker.
Pretty Cool!! Sounded a lot a like a really smooth car engine revving
up. A nice whine that wasn't all that high-pitched. The speed adjustment
came in pretty handy as well. I had to put it right over the pickup to
hear anything. Six inches away was too far.
I tried a few effects with it, (chorus, overdrive, flange) and they
did make it sound different. I would imagine that if you had a fancy
rack, you could get a nice variety of sounds out of it.
Also, this thing was blue hard plastic and very slick so I'm sure you
could get some interesting effects using it as a slide between the
pickups of say a Strat or such. (But don't even THINK about using it
for more "personal" purposes after rubbing it along your axe strings).
Silly???. . . yes, but for $8 it's gonna be the cheapest effect you
ever bought, plus it's guaranteed to impress the ladies. (Note that
I can't guarantee that it will make a *good* impression).
[Back in the days when Martin Mull was not well known and travelled the
comedy circuit, he use a vibrator to play "slide banjo" as well as
slide guitar. He's an accomplished player, and usually brought the
house down, not only because he was very funny about the whole thing,
but because it sounded good too. Strange man. But who am I to talk?
--spaf]
------------------------------
From: ginsberg@cs.stanford.edu (Matthew L. Ginsberg)
Subject: world knowledge of high school students, true
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard on the news this morning:
A suvery was taken of high school students recently, asking them to
explain what "Chernobyl" is.
Over half explained that it is Cher's full name.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------