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Yucks Digest V2 #54
Yucks Digest Wed, 28 Oct 92 Volume 2 : Issue 54
Today's Topics:
A little humor for Friday...
Book of the month
C'mon Down!!!
dan's the man
Dave Barry Does Japan
favorite sig of the week
Fish Story
for someone who has everything
Kodak statement about Photo CD System
NOTW
ORIGINAL: What happens if RN starts a trend?
pick on someone your own size
Rapture: the full details
recipes
Teen pregnancies in Arkansas
There'll always be a USENET... (2 msgs)
Top Ten Signs That You're Getting Old
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 92 08:06:46 -0700
From: Art Schumer <arts@microsoft.com>
Subject: A little humor for Friday...
To: spaf
PC/Computing Nov. 1992
Your Best Virus Jokes:
THE TOP TEN:
Federal Bureaucrat Virus Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to
be the most important part of the computer.
Dan Quayle Virus Their is sumthing rong with yor compueter, ewe just
can't figyour out watt.
Gallup Virus Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 margin of error).
Paul Revere Virus This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack-once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Politically Correct Virus Never calls itself a "virus" but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
Right to Life Virus Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how
old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see
a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot Virus Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.
Mario Cuomo Virus It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Oprah Winfrey Virus Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and
then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T Virus Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting.
The MCI Virus Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
THE TWO CONSENSUS WINNERS:
Ted Turner Virus Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
THE BEST OF THE REST (FINALISTS):
Dan Quayle Virus Prevents your system from spawning any child processes
without joining into a binary network.
Government Economist Virus Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
really mad just thinking about it.
Terry Randall Virus Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose
"abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas Virus Makes sure it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve Virus Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Jeffrey Dahmer Virus Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.
Warren Beatty Virus Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching
itself to younger or newer files.
Michael Jackson Virus Hard to identify because it is constantly
altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will
trash your car.
Congressional Virus Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a
message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Airline Virus You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own
motherboard.
PBS Virus Your PC stops what it's doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Elvis Virus Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then
self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
Ollie North Virus Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Nike Virus Just does it.
Sears Virus Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power
supply and a set of shocks.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus Nobody can find it.
Congressional Virus Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
Kevorkian Virus Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Imelda Marcos Virus Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot up,
then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on
expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
Willard Scott Virus Keeps track of all family birthdays and renders
verbose birthday wishes each time you request weather predictions.
Star Trek Virus Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
Healthcare Virus Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and
sends you a bill for $4,500.
George Bush Virus (Japanese strain) Eats some of your files, then
immediately regurgitates them.
George Bush Virus It starts by boldly stating "Read my text... No new
files!" on screen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard
drive with new files, and then blames it on the Congress virus.
Quantum Leap Virus One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a
Macintosh, then a Nintendo.
Cleveland Indians Virus Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD Virus It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "selfdefense."
Chicago Cubs Virus Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in
the reviews, but you still love it.
------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: Book of the month
To: yucks
This article may give you an idea of either the dearth of solid news
around campus, or the editorial policy of our campus newspaper (the
Exponent) concerning the VP.
Underneath the article detailing Dan Quayle's visit to Purdue was a
book review: "It's a Gas: A Study of Flatulence" by Eric S. Rabkin and
Eugene M Silverman. This is published by Xenois Books in paperback @
$9.95.
It seems that Rabkin and Silverman have written a somewhat droll book
containing everything researchers actually know about what causes it,
what composes it, and how often does it occur. As the reviewer (John
Gosney) stated "It's time to roll down the car windows and rejoice."
According to the reviews, there are are chapters on scientific
rationale on thru a pictorial section entitled "Fart Gallery".
There's even a chapter on the fart in history.
Sounds like just the gift for someone who already seems to have it
all... so to speak. Pass it on. (oops! sorry.)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 12:20:09 EST
From: mc/G=Brad/S=Hicks/OU=0205925@mhs.attmail.com
Subject: C'mon Down!!!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The guy in the next cubicle was complaining about all of the money that
George Bush and his administration are splashing around the last few
weeks. You know, 100% reimbursement for survivors of Hurricanes Andrew
and Iniki, F-15 sales to Saudi Arabia, F-16 sales to China, more grain
subsidies, tax credits for businesses that provide family leave, a $3
million loan for his son Neil, and so on. "You know what I think?" he
said. "I think he's having a 'Going Out of Office' Sale!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 92 10:39:00 PDT
From: one of our contributors
Subject: dan's the man
To: spaf
The following is a true story; I have over ten witnesses.
A lady here, who is under 25 yrs old, is a fan of the current vice president,
and said in a water cooler chat to a group of us that Dan is
a great vice president and has done more with foreign policy than any
other Vice President, ever.
Now, I really don't care what a person's political persuasions are,
but I do mind that people get their history straight, so I piped up
with, "But what about John Adams? or Thomas Jefferson? or Hubert
Humphrey? Weren't they great?"
To which she replied, and I quote, "Yes, they were, but they were a long
time ago. Dan Quayle is the greatest vice president in the last hundred
years. You just proved it by comparing him to those three guys who
signed the Declaration of Independence!"
Well, there was no arguing with that. The conversation then switched to
"Minnesota, one of the 13 colonies", and the uses of ludefisk during
the American Revolution. Apparently, Vally Forge is just south of Duluth.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1992 10:28:49 -0600
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Dave Barry Does Japan
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
[ The enclosed is presented to encourage you to go out an buy a copy
of every Dave Barry book you can find. Maybe even more than one.
Comic genius needs to be encouraged and supported. --spaf]
>From the coming book "Dave Barry Does Japan" by Dave Barry.
Reprinted with the permission of Random House Inc.
Distributed by Tribune Media Services Inc.
I wrote my book "Dave Barry Does Japan" to try, in some small way, to make
this world a better place for people everywhere, and for the generations
to come.
I'm lying, of course! I wrote the book because I thought a trip to Japan
might be pretty funny, especially since Random House had generously agreed
to pay for the whole thing. This was a major factor, because I had heard
that prices were pretty high in Japan. People who'd been there were
always telling me horror stories.
"Oh yes," they'd say, "In Tokyo, Frank ordered two eggs over medium and
the bill came to $16,500, plus $312 for the parsley sprig, and he wound
up having to sell both of his corneas."
So in the summer of 1991 I filled several large suitcases with traveler's
checks and went to Japan with my wife, Beth, and my 10-year-old son,
Robert. We spent three weeks bumbling around in a disoriented,
uncomprehending manner, The Three Cultural Stooges, because it turns out
that Japan is an *extremely* foreign country, where you can never be sure
whether the sign on the door you're about to open says:
RESTAURANT
or:
ENTER HERE FOR EXPRESS VASECTOMY SERVICE
My book is an account of that trip. Please don't misunderstand me: I
don't claim to have become an expert on Japan in three weeks. The
Japanese culture is thousands of years old; to truly grasp its incredible
complexity and infinite subtle nuance, you'd need at least a month.
Ha ha! Just Kidding. I don't know if an outsider can ever really
understand Japan, but I know I never came close. When I arrived there,
my major objectives immediately changed from things like "try to determine
attitude of average salaried worker toward government industrial policy"
to things like "try to find food without suckers on it."
So this is not authoritative. If you want authoritative, go buy a real
book. This is just a highly subjective account of our trip, with a lot
of personal impressions, some of which may well have been influenced by
beer, which by the way is another thing they do better than we do. In
fact they do quite a few things better than we do, and I'm not just
talking about cars and radios. But it also turns out that we are *way*
ahead of them in some important areas, such as pizza.
My most important finding, however, does not involve the differences
between us and Japan; it involves the similarities. Because despite the
gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both
societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people everywhere - when
you strip away their superficial differences - are crazy.
I attempted to learn Japanese by reading a book called "Japanese at a
Glance" in the plane from San Francisco to Tokyo. This is not the method
recommended by experts. The method recommended by experts is to be born
as a Japanese baby and raised by a Japanese family, in Japan.
The result of my language-training program was that I arrived in Tokyo
speaking Japanese at essentially the same fluency as cement. I never did
get much better while I was there. The only word I got really good at
saying was "beer," which is pronounced "bee-roo," unless you want a big
beer, in which case it is pronounced "BIG bee-roo."
Many Japanese people know a little English. But it's often *very* little.
Japan is not like, for example, Germany, where everybody seems to speak
English better than the average U.S. congressperson. In Japan, you will
often find yourself in situations where nobody speaks any English. And
the weird thing is, English pops up *everywhere* in Japan. You constantly
see signs and advertisements with English words in them, and you
constantly hear American rock music being played in stores and
restaurants. But to the Japanese, the English doesn't seem to *mean*
anything. It's there purely for decorative purposes, like a hood
ornament, or a SPEED LIMIT 55 sign.
This can be frustrating. I remember being in a Kentucky Fried Chicken
restaurant (see footnote No. 1) in a small town called Beppu, trying to
communicate the concept of "ketchup" to the young man behind the counter,
who, like virtually every other Japanese person we met, was extremely
polite and diligent. He was trying hard to understand me, frowning with
intense concentration as I used the Official United Nations International
Gesture for "ketchup," which is to pound the bottom of an upside-down
imaginary ketchup bottle while saying Ketch-up? Ketch-up? Ketch-up? like
a person with a hiccups-related nerve disorder. But I wasn't getting
through, so the young man called two young women over, and all three of
them solemnly watched me repeat Ketch-up? Ketch-up? Ketch-up? for a while
longer, none of them saying a word, and all the while the store's music
system was playing:
*There she was, just a walkin' down the street*
*Singin' do-wah diddy diddy dum diddy-do*
And I wanted to scream, HOW CAN YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH WHEN ALL DAY
LONG YOU LISTEN TO DO-WAH DIDDY DIDDY DUM DIDDY-DO??
The important lesson for the English-speaking visitor to learn from all
this is that in Japan, English words do not necessarily mean anything.
Adding to the confusion is the fact that, even when English words DO mean
something, it may not be what you think. The Japanese are not big on
saying things directly. Another way of putting this is, compared to the
Japanese, the average American displays all the subtlety of Harpo hitting
Zeppo with a dead chicken. The Japanese tend to communicate via nuance
and euphemism often leaving important things unsaid; whereas most
Americans tend to think they're being subtle when they refrain from
grabbing the listener by the shirt.
This difference in approach often leads to misunderstandings between the
two cultures. One of the biggest problems - all the guidebooks warn you
about this - is that the Japanese are extremely reluctant to come right
out and say "no," a word they generally regard as impolite.
To the best of my knowledge, in the three weeks we traveled around Japan,
nobody ever told us we couldn't do anything, although it turned out that
there were numerous things we couldn't do. Life became easier for us once
we learned to interpret certain key phrases, which I'll summarize in this
convenient table:
English Statement Made By / Actual Meaning In American
A Japanese Person /
I See. / No.
Ah. / No.
Ah-hah. / No.
Yes. / No.
That is difficult. / That is completely impossible.
That is very interesting. / That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
We will study your proposal. / We will feed your proposal to a goat.
But subtlety and protocol are not the the strong suits of Americans, which
is one reason why the Japanese tend to view us as large, loud water
buffalo, lumbering around without a clue, tromping and pooping all over
their carefully arranged, exquisitely tended garden of a society.
FOOTNOTE
1. Of *course* they have Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants. Don't be an
idiot.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 92 16:20:00 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: favorite sig of the week
To: yucks
>Newsgroups: alt.folklore.computers
>From: max@phoenix (E. J. Petsalo)
>Subject: New owner of a PDP-8e
>Sender: news@ousrvr.oulu.fi
>Organization: University of Oulu, Finland
>Date: Sun, 25 Oct 1992 13:01:50 GMT
I am a proud and happy owner of a PDP-8e. Proud because I got
it for about 15$. Happy because I have it now in my living room which
is in 9th floor and it was in two huge cabinets way over 100 kg each.
Luckily the lift was able to do its job and I have good friends(I'm not
sure if they are my friends any more:-)
But now I have a problem what shall I do with it? Any sugestions?
MAX
max@tolsun.oulu.fi
max@phoenix.oulu.fi
THE RECIPIENT OF THIS DOCUMENT IS OBLIGED TO TREAT IT IN STRICT CONFIDENCE.
REPRODUCTION OF THIS DOCUMENT AND/OR TRANSMITTAL THEREOF TO THIRD PARTIES
AS WELL AS UTILIZATION OR DISCLOSURE OF THE CONTENTS THEREOF. IN WHOLE OR
IN PART. ARE NOT PERMITTED UNLESS EXPRESS AUTHORIZATION IS GIVEN IN WRITING.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ESPECIALLY IN CASE OF A PATENT GRANT OR REGISTERED
INVENTION(PATENT PENDING) UNLESS RETENTION IS MANDATORY. THIS DOCUMENT SHALL
BE IRRETRIEVABLY DESTROYED WHEN IT IS NO LONGER NEEDED.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 92 3:30:05 EST
From: margaret@bucolix.ece.ncsu.edu (Margaret Hudacko)
Subject: Fish Story
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard several places around campus:
A Department Head, Assistant Head, Full Professor and Assistant
Professor decided to go fishing. Early the next morning the four got
up and headed out to the lake. They had gotten almost clear to the
other side to a favored fishing spot when the Assistant Head exclaimed
that he had forgotten the bait. "No problem," said the Assistant
Professor and jumped out of the boat, ran across the water to the dock
on the other side of the lake and returned with bait in hand. "I don't
know," groused the Department Head, "do you really think we should
grant someone tenure that's never learned to swim?"
------------------------------
Date: 22 Oct 1992 08:37:12 -0400
From: koolish@BBN.COM (Dick Koolish)
Subject: for someone who has everything
Newsgroups: bbn.bboard
>From Yachting, November 1992, p 217
For the Captain Who Has Everything
Now available. Authentic bird droppings from ports throughout
the world. Just name the port of origin desired. The ideal gift
for those hard to please captains. Comes in a vile with a
certification sheet stating the location of retrieval.
Attractively packaged. Send check or money order today for
$5.00. Includes shipping and handling. While supplies last.
Calif. residents please add 8.25% for tax.
Mail to: Innovative Plastics, 2566 Seaboard Ave., San Jose, CA 95131
[I am certain it comes in a vile. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: lost in editing
Subject: Kodak statement about Photo CD System
Newsgroups: rec.photo,alt.sources,alt.graphics.pixutils,comp.sys.mac.apps,alt.cd-rom
BIG PROPRIETY COMPANY
Statement concerning Plain Text Files
------------------------------------
BPC owns patents and copyrights for many aspects of the Plain Text File system
and Plain Text-compatible software. In all likelihood, software independently
developed to retrieve and display Plain Text Files will infringe on one or
more of the applicable patents.
Reading and reproducing a data from a Plain Text File is a complex
process. Accurate reproduction of a file requires more than just data
decoding. Other sophisticated processes are involved, such as character sets
and knowing how to protect your profits as well as learning how to read.
BPC provides several routes for individuals and companies to access
Plain Text Files. These include:
Inexpensive BPC File Access software for Windows
and Mac systems and any other computer system
available.
BPC File editing software for Windows systems
BPC File design software for creating Plain Text Files
For software developers and computer systems manufacturers wanting to
incorporate access to Plain Text files into their products, BPC offers
two options:
BPC Plain Text File Access developers toolkit, available now
for Windows and Mac systems, and soon to be available
for DOS and UNIX systems
Direct support for unique situations, such as global
read and display licenses on numerous existing
platforms, offered through other vendors
BPC recommends that people wanting more information on these products
contact their local BPC company. In the U.S.A., BPC maintains an
information service that can be reached by calling 800-555-2524, ext. 53,
or 800-555-7825, ext. 53.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 92 20:24:22 GMT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
To get a "specific use permit" for a building in San Marcos, Texas, the
occupier must qualify for a certain number of points. Among the ways San
Marcos State University fraternity houses can quality: 1 point for notifying
the police 48 hours before a social event, 3 points for posting a "maximum
occupancy" sign, and 6 points for passing formal rules against doing things
that result in death or sexual assault.
--
The most popular video in Sweden earlier this year was a 60-minute fireplace
fire, shown from the point of ignition until it burns into cinders, and
featuring a sound-track of fire-crackling wood. Price: about $35.
--
The local board of health closed down the Wing Wah Chinese restaurant in
South Dennis, Mass., briefly in August for various violations. The most
serious, said officials, was the restaurant's practice of draining water
from cabbage by putitng it in cloth laundry bags, placing them between two
pieces of plywood in the parking lot, and driving over them with a van.
Said Health Director Ted Dumas, "I've seen everything now."
--
Recently arrived on the market is a new computer toy, SimAnt, whose purpose
is to put players in charge of an any colony. The goal is to conquer a
suburban back yard and drive the residents from their home. Says the
advertising brochure, "SimAnt is more than just a game. It's a way of life."
--
Psychiatrist Richard C. Pillard of Boston University, reporting in August on
the genetic predisposition to homosexuality, offered the example of two male
identical twins who were seperated at birth and raised in different families.
By the time they were reunited, one twin was gay, and the other was straight,
but they were strikingly similar in most other ways, including their preferences
for wearing leather garments during sex and using vibrators and other sexual
devices.
--
Newsweek reported in June that a Japanese firm has sold more than 100,000
"Mews" -- toy cats that meow and wag their tails at the sound of a human
voice.
--
Lucille Conyers Cooper, owner of a Queens, N.Y., building that burned down
with two homeless tresspassers in it, is being sued by the deceased men's
relatives, who must under state law prove they were harmed financially by
the men's deaths.
--
In Annandale, Va., two armed men rushed the front door of First American Bank
just after manager Dwight Smith opened up. Unknown to the men, the door had
locked automatically behind Smith. The first robber bounced off the door
hitting the second man. They escaped in their van and have not been captured.
--
Police in India's western state of Maharashtra called an end to a traditional
annual event in which women from the adjacent villages of Sukhed and Bor line
up on opposite sides of a canal and yell insults at each other. (The event
had become a festival, with men playing music to accompany insults, which
supposedly commemorated a feud between two wives who lived in seperate villages
but were married to the same chief.)
--
Delta Air Lines, coming off a $180 million quarterly loss, reported in July an
annual svings of $1.4 million in labor and food costs based on a single
decision: eliminating the decorative piece of lettuce under the vegetables
served on in-flight meals.
--
The final hours of the Belk Lindsay store in Tampa, Fla., in July were marked
by discounts so deep that women, tired of waiting for a dressing room, changed
in and out of clothes in the middle of the store. Said one employee, "She had
most of her clothes off and was trying to pull on a pair of pants when I got
there and told her she just couldn't do that."
--
Joseph Fallat Sr., 61, was charged with killing his wife, Florene, 50, in
Harrison City, Pa., in August. Said a patrolman, "Fallat said she would stack
the refrigerator full of vegetables, hiding the milk, and he wasn't going to
take that anymore." Fallat allegedly chased his wife through the house and
stabbed her 219 times.
--
In July, Danny Fouts and his wife and her sister, in New York City to appear
on the "Sally Jessy Raphael" show to discuss their arrest for shoplifting their
wedding supplies on their wedding day in March, were arrested for stealing from
the New York Ramada Hotel the TV show had booked them in for their stay.
--
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing
a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1
for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbert. However, said
police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for
the gum?" By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon
apprehended.
--
Clint Lenz, 10, took first place in the Invent America contest with a glow-in-
the-dark toilet seat for those middle-of-the-night forays. He won $1,000,
computers for his class and a spot in the Smithsonian Institution.
--
For its grand opening in June in Bartlett, Tenn., Dyer's Cafe brought in
cooked grease its owners said was 80 years old, transported from Dyer's
flagship restaurant in Memphis by sheriff's deputies on motorcycles. Said
owner Jim Marshall, "The grease is our secret, and it's got to be protected."
--
Third-grader Andrew S. Meredith of Council Bluffs, Iowa, won first place in
a national inventors' contest with Toilet Targets, floating doodads to improve
males' aim. He said he got the idea because the boys' room at school smelled
bad, presumably from all the misfiring.
--
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by
outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable
phone. After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating
and hustle up for grub.
--
Jackie Zajac and Sheila Mullan opened Fido's Fast Food in Toledo, Ohio, in
June. Pet owners can pick up cheeseburgers, french fries and peanut butter
bagels -- all dried -- and, for dessert, carob drops, catnip and people-shaped
crackers.
--
A 22-year-old man, discharged from the U.S. Army on Aug. 3, showed up at a
day-care center in Escondido, on Aug. 6, wearing a wet diaper under his jeans
and a note pinned to his shirt stating that he was retarded and asking that
someone change the diaper. At first, center personnel took the note at face
value, but they called police when they noticed that the man had become aroused
by the diaper change.
--
Alfred Abadie, 37, was arrested in New Orleans in September and charged with
the murder of his neighbor, Kurt King. According to neighbors, the two had
been arguing because King had run his edging machine three inches into Abadie's
yard.
--
In Zanesville, Ohio, in August, two fire-fighters fought each other instead of
the fire at Connie Rider's house. The assistant chief had warned one of his
men, who was carrying a fire hose, not to get too close to a downed power line.
When the man continued to approach it, the assistant chief pulled the hose to
halt the man's progress. The two men fell to the ground scuffling while a
bystander grabbed the hose and fought the fire.
--
As of July, the Pentagon has awarded nearly 4 million National Defense Service
Medals for work in Desert Shield and Desert Storm, even though only 500,000
troops actually served in the Persian Gulf. The medal will be routinely
awarded to everyone in uniform until the conflict officially ends.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 92 2:25:04 EST
From: ross-c@scs.leeds.ac.uk
Subject: ORIGINAL: What happens if RN starts a trend?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Many readers of this message will be only too familiar with the text:
> This program posts news to thousands of machines throughout the
> entire civilized world. Your message will cost the net hundreds
> if not thousands of dollars to send everywhere.
>
> Are you absolutely sure that you want to do this? [yn]
Which sounds quite reasonable, but begs the question of why have a
news system if posting is to be discouraged.
And, what would happen if this sort of "discouragement" was to catch on....
ON A PUBLISHER'S DOOR
This publishing company has outlets around the world. Should your book be
published, hundreds, if not thousands of trees will be felled to produce the
original print run. Should your book become popular, this amount may be
multiplied several times. Should your book become a best-seller, millions
of dollars may be spent purchasing copies, generating other costs of accounting,
storage, etc. Should you become a topical author, you may even appear on
TV talk shows, which cost television networks huge sums of money to produce.
Should your book become an all-time classic, copies may be sold during long
stretches of future history, obliterating whole forests, costing many
millions of dollars, and requiring the whole lives of academics to study and
teach the true meaning of your work.
Are you sure that you want to do this? [yn]
ON A PATENT OFFICE DOOR
This patent office is a government agent. Should you decide to patent your
invention, copies of all documentation must be stored in triplicate for a
minimum of 20 years, costing hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. Should
a commercial interest decide to implement your invention on a commercial
scale, tens of millions of dollars could be required in tooling and production
costs. Should your invention have military applications, it could be responsible
for hundreds if not thousands of deaths. Should your invention turn out to
be a new destructive force far in excess of anything known and potentially
deadly in the wrong hands, it could be responsible for the end of life as we
know it on this planet.
Are you sure that you want to do this? [yn]
IN A SURGERY
The patient you are now operating on is a citizen of [Insert Country Here],
with rights guaranteed by law and quite possibly having a very large number
of nosy relatives. Should you cut that blood vessel, and be unable to stem
the flow of blood you may have a malpractice suit served on you in double
quick time, costing your insurance company thousands, if not millions of
dollars.
Are you sure that you want to do this? [yn]
IN A TELEPHONE BOOTH
The phone number you have just dialed is that of your wife. The person who
answers the phone may not in fact be your wife, but a gruff male voice, unknown
to you. Should this happen you may be involved in legal expenses costing
thousands of dollars, have to sell your house, and only be able to see your
children on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Are you sure that you want to do this? [yn]
AT A PEDESTRIAN CROSSING
You have just pressed the "wait" button for this pedestrian crossing. When
the traffic light turns red to allow you to cross, it is possible that one
or more of the cars stopping will not stop safely but rear-end the car in
front. This can result in hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars of damage.
Should injury result, thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars of
public money may be spent on the medical treatment for this person.
Are you sure that you want to do this? [yn]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 92 2:20:04 EST
From: hirsh@cs.rutgers.edu (Haym Hirsh)
Subject: pick on someone your own size
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
(True, originally reported in the New York Times, October 18, 1992.)
Switzerland, known for its neutrality over the centuries, briefly
invaded neighboring Liechtenstein this past Tuesday. Troops on
maneuvers received orders to set up a camp in Triesenberg but,
according to Liechtenstein officials, the Swiss "overlooked that
Triesenberg is not located on Swiss territory."
Switzerland's neighbors include Austria, France, Germany, Italy, and
Liechtenstein; of these countries, only Liechtenstein can boast that
it has no army, its population is less than 30,000, and it is smaller
than Washington, D.C.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 11:16:03 -0500
From: Joel B Levin <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: Rapture: the full details
To: eniac
It's scheduled for Wednesday (today is Monday), so I thought everyone who
didn't make it would like to know what was going on and what to do. The
posters stuck up in this area have been mentioned here before. Last
Thursday the following advertisement appeared in the Boston Globe, and I
reproduce its content in full so no one can say they weren't prepared.
Obviously section 2 is the most important.
But first, a few notes on the ad and its reproduction here.
The ad occupied a full two columns about 5/8 the height of the page (the
Globe is printed in NYTimes format as opposed to NYPost, or tabloid,
format). It is bordered by the phrase "OCTOBER 28, 1992" repeated 3
times on top and bottom and 5 times each side. There is a painting
reproduced under the first bunch of headers, as well as a drawing and
sponsor imprint which I have labelled in the ad but which I have
described below it. The comments in [[ brackets ]] are mine. I have not
attempted to reproduce the various type faces, styles and sizes. I have
tried to reproduce the capitalization, punctuation, and line breaks as
accurately as possible, since these things are fundamental to
understanding this type of text to the fullest. As far as I know, the
only spelling error in the original ad, which I have included, is
"beliver". (Other typos may be presumed therefore to be mine.)
===================== Cut here ====================
Jesus is Finally Coming
Are You Ready for
the Rapture?
Oct. 28, 1992
IN 1999, HUMAN
HISTORY WILL END.
"Fear God, and give Him glory, because the
hour of His judgment has come." (Rev. 14:7)
[[apocalyptic picture, full width, apparently featuring Jesus at the top
and a lot of people in nightgowns, er, robes, flying up. ]]
(BIBLICAL PROPHECY TO BE FULFILLED)
Rapture --> United Europe (E.E.C) -> Antichrist
Revealed --> 7 Yrs. of Great Tribulation -->
Jesus's Coming to Earth with Saints --> Thousand
Years of Jesus's Reign on Earth --> Great White
Throne Judgment --> Eternal Heaven and Hell
1. What is Rapture?
"For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with
the voice of the archangel, and with the trumpet of God; and the dead
in Christ shall rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be
caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air,
and thus we shall always be with the Lord." (I Thess 4:16-17)
In the near future, many Christians will suddenly disappear from the
earth -- Jesus will descend from heaven and take His brides (born-
again Christians) into His kingdom. Such a wonderful event is called
'Rapture.' There will be quite a confusion in the world after Rapture:
the families left behind will look for a large number of vanished people
and the mass media will be busy with reporting this mysterious event.
It will really be the most glorious moment for the raptured in that they
all shall be changed into holy bodies without tasting death. It will not
be difficult to believe in Rapture for those who believe in the power of
God, who created the universe by Word.
2. What to do in case you miss the Rapture
* STAY CALM AND DO NOT PANIC
* REALIZE YOU ARE NOW LIVING DURING
THE GREAT TRIBULATION
* GATHER AS MANY BIBLES AS YOU CAN
AND HIDE THEM
* READ THE BIBLE LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER
READ IT BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE
* DO NOT TAKE THE MARK AT ANY COST-EVEN
IF IT MEANS YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES
DIE AS MARTYRS [[very small print:]]
* TRUST NO ONE *Eternal Heaven or eternal hell shall
* WATCH FOR THE ANTICHRIST be decided according to whether or
* DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE! not you receive 666 Mark.
3. Great Tribulation.
Tribulation is the most
indescribable form of [[diagram here]]
human destruction ever in
the history of man. It is the
beginning of the worst pain
and suffering for those who
will not receive the mark 666
on their forehead or right hand.
Do not confuse. God's wrath is
for unbelivers; and trials and
tribulation is for Christrians to
purify their souls. (These things [[address here]]
I have spoken to you, that in Me
you may have peace. In the world
you will have tribulation; but of
good cheer; I have over come the
world. John. 16:33)
May God find you ready in the
hour of his glorious return!
===================== Cut here ====================
In the above, where I put [[diagram here]], is a line drawing of the top
of a person's head with a UPC style bar code on the forehead. I can't
read bar code, but I can barely make out the first three tiny digits
under the bar code to be "666". The drawing is captioned:
The "666 System" is here.
Where I have [[address here]] is printed in very small print, rotated 90
degrees, the following text:
MISSION FOR THE COMING DAYS
P.O. Box 146 * Derry, NH 03038
Unfortunately, no phone number is given, and I doubt you have any time
left for queries by mail.
[Please send in your submissions to Yucks immediately -- those of us left
after Wednesday will need some humor, it seems. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1992 03:55:54 -0400
From: bdb@becker.GTS.ORG (Bruce Becker)
Subject: recipes
To: eniac
Here's a mini-review found in this morning's newspaper:
Making a Man from Good Bones,
by Margaret Atwood (Coach House
Press, $18.95)
Imagine La Atwood at her surrealist best posing as a giddy
women's magazine editor and you get the idea: this prose
vignette from her latest collection tells you how to bake, sew,
crochet or candy- make yourself a husband - "for when you feel
the urge - as we do! - to pop one of these dapper devils in
your mouth and suck off his clothes."
Besides being an accomplished author, Atwood is also a
Famous Canadian (i.e., some Americans have heard of her).
------------------------------
Date: 27 Oct 92 08:20:05 GMT
From: filipski@cs.buffalo.edu (Paul Filipski)
Subject: Teen pregnancies in Arkansas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard on a radio talk show this morning:
"They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home
state of Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate
in the nation... I'd like to thank the governor
for wearing a condom."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1992 02:14:46 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: There'll always be a USENET...
To: eniac
Subject: newgroup alt.1d
Summary: alt.1d For the discussion of anything 1-dimensional
Charter for alt.1d
------------------
This Newsgroup is an offshoot from alt.3d due to the annoyance of having
tests posted to alt.3d since it is the first newsgroup alphabetically.
Alt.1d is also for the dicussion of the properties of 1-dimensional
objects and universes.
Test posts are welcome, as they are often the products of 1-dimensional
minds, and they will help to stimulate discussion.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 92 14:47:19 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: There'll always be a USENET...
CFV:
alt.1d.talk
alt.1d.advocacy
alt.1d.d
alt.1d.aquaria
alt.1d.sex.difficult
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 92 16:45:32 PDT
From: ross@qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Top Ten Signs That You're Getting Old
To: spaf
Top Tens Signs That You're Getting Old
--------------------------------------
10. You stop making fun of those "Hair Club for Men" commercials.
9. Songs that were cool when you went to school now play on Muzak system
at your local supermarket.
8. That "Dick Hertz" phone prank no longer seems funny.
7. When you discuss CD's with your friends you aren't talking about music.
6. You begin to understand what the Republicans are talking about.
5. You start taping Letterman because it's on too late.
4. You stop taping Letterman.
3. MTV music videos no longer make any sense to you.
2. You spend saturday night making up top ten lists.
1. You start to notice a rotting smell.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------