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Yucks Digest V2 #53 (mixed nuts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 22 Oct 92 Volume 2 : Issue 53
Today's Topics:
[news.groups] Re: RFD: rec.crafts.metalworking
Are you a clueless mailing list reader?
bad spell at the Globe
Create newsgroup alt.flame.hairy-douchebag.meredith-tanner
cutie
doctors and lawyers and g.h.w. bush controlled by u.f.o.s!!!
Don't say you weren't warned
Forced kidney donations
For Yucks
gerbil shaving and piercing
HUMOR: the debates (2 msgs)
I'm easily amused
Oh dear, what will become of Yucks?
real cats are not object-oriented
Strange POSTMASTER mail
Submission for Yucks digest
The cost of 'futzing' (UPI)
Tooth Fairy exposed
UHF Televsion Antennas useful for anything?
what day is it
Yuck's Submission: Water, water everywhere...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 18:09:33 -0400
From: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Subject: [news.groups] Re: RFD: rec.crafts.metalworking
To: group-advice@uunet.UU.NET
------- Start of forwarded message -------
From: gary_preckshot@lccmail.ocf.llnl.gov (gary preckshot)
Newsgroups: news.groups
Subject: Re: RFD: rec.crafts.metalworking
Message-ID: <139524@lll-winken.LLNL.GOV>
Date: 20 Oct 92 20:01:24 GMT
...
Actually, hierarchies were invented to oppress people.
...
------- End of forwarded message -------
Boy, am I glad I didn't invent hierarchies. I sure would hate to have
to carry _that_ burden.
[You wouldn't have to carry it -- you could delegate it to a
subordinate. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 18:29:59 -0400
From: ee.ryerson.ca!sizone!no_new_taxes (Read My Lips)
Subject: Are you a clueless mailing list reader?
To: smd@uunet.ca
> From: mathew@mantis.co.uk (mathew)
> To: nm-list@reef.cis.ufl.edu
> Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 11:35:27 -0400
Attacking Deep Structure <shaun@octel.com> writes:
| MJM -- I have an idea. Why don't you create a new list to which any
| person who sends a subscribe/unsubscribe message to a list proper
| will be added, in addition to having his request fulfilled? This
| way, a list will slowly be built up of people who simply have no clue
| about how mailing lists work.
|
| Each day, a daemon will send a message out to everyone on the list, saying
| something like, "You have been automatically added to this list because
| you are an ignorant dipshit. There is no one watching this list; the
| only way you can become unsubscribed is to figure out the Internet
| standard for issuing control messages to mailing lists. If you had
| followed proper etiquette to begin with, you would not now be on this
| list. Later, d00d."
|
| This public service list would be available to all list maintainers,
| and would have a conspicuous normal address like
| "dumb-fuckers-sender." The brainless sods who were subscribed could
| bleat like sheep to each other as they sent mail to the list trying to
| get unsubscribed. I'm sure it would sustain itself quite nicely after
| it had been operational for about a day and a half.
|
| This is a serious request.
I've done it. clueless@mantis.co.uk, the Clueless Users Network Test
System (aka the Clueless Users Mailing List). To subscribe, forge
mail from the guilty party saying
subscribe clueless
and send it to clueless-request@mantis.co.uk. He can then happily reply
to the regular mail messages, and have his replies sent to everyone else on
the list. He can also send lots of "UNSUB CLUELESS" messages to
clueless@mantis.co.uk and have them forwarded too. Eventually he'll
discover the right way to unsubscribe.
The regular mail message reads:
> From: clueless@mantis.co.uk
> To: clueless@mantis.co.uk
> Subject: Welcome, clueless user!
>
> Welcome to the Clueless Users Network Test System, an intelligence test
> for the ignorant and impolite.
>
> You have been automatically added to this mailing list because you sent a
> subscription request like "UNSUB ME" out to the entire readership of a
> mailing list, instead of sending it to the list server or list maintainer.
>
> There is nobody of worth reading this mailing list. The only way you can
> become unsubscribed is to figure out the standard way of unsubscribing
> from an Internet mailing list. Until that time, you will get these
> messages regularly.
>
> If you made an innocent mistake in sending your "UNSUB ME" out to the
> entire list, then you will know how to unsubscribe from this list
> immediately and no harm will be done.
>
> If, on the other hand, you simply have no clue how to deal with mailing
> lists, you'd better start reading up on the subject before you go
> blundering around again. Your attention is cordially drawn to the
> newsgroups news.announce.newusers, news.newusers.questions, and
> news.answers.
>
> Final hint: the mailing list address is clueless@mantis.co.uk.
>
> Have fun.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 09:12:29 -0400
From: Chris Jones <clj>
Subject: bad spell at the Globe
To: humor
In today's Globe, on page 41 (first page of the Business section), there's a
headline:
Excellence reins at AT&T plant
On page 43, in an article about TMC's new-low end CM-5 (an article headlined
"Thinking comes up with low-end computer", in which we rate a reference), the
following appears:
Yesterday the company unveiled a slimed down CM-5 ...
[It uses the new Ethereal net for communications. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 20 Oct 92 18:57:19 GMT
From: news (News Knower)
Subject: Create newsgroup alt.flame.hairy-douchebag.meredith-tanner
To: usenet
ames!kronos.arc.nasa.gov!iscnvx!netcomsv!netcom.com!rdc requested that a new newsgroup called 'alt.flame.hairy-douchebag.meredith-tanner' be created.
It was approved by soceity-for-cruelty-to-animals@netcom.com
You can accomplish this by creating the newgroup yourself
In other words, by executing the command:
/usr/local/lib/news/inews -C alt.flame.hairy-douchebag.meredith-tanner
[There seems to be an alt group for everything these days.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 14 Oct 92 05:01:54 EDT (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
This following appeared in the February 1982 edition of "Fantasy
and Science Fiction":
WE TURNED DOWN THE STORY BUT COULDN'T RESIST THE COVERING LETTER
Dear Ed,
I just zipped up to 1985 the other day, and found this story in
an anthology -- under my own name, too, curiously enough. Well, I
liked it and decided to plagiarize myself. So I Xeroxed the tale
(superb office machines upwhen, by the way) and zipped back down to
good old '81 and now I'm sending it our to you. It first appeared
in "Fantasy & Science Fiction", you know, according to the credits
in the antho, and I assume neither of us would dar violate the
proverbial Time-Space Continuum.
- James Elliott
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 17:21:14 CDT
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: doctors and lawyers and g.h.w. bush controlled by u.f.o.s!!!
To: gordon@sparc.nde.swri.edu, jay@sparc.nde.swri.edu, jimb@sparc.nde.swri.edu, mlw@cisco.com, oleg@veritas.com, spaf
According to Al Gore (NPR, 10/15/92), Bush is "presiding over a cover-up
bigger than Watergate" in terms of the loans made to Iraq prior to the
Gulf War. Perhaps Gore should run with Perot, not Clinton? That way,
Perot could talk about how Bush is part of the MIA/POW cover-up while
Gore goes on ad nauseaum about "Iraq-Gate". However, such an
arrangement might expose the real truth (which only _I_ know), which is
that Tipper Gore and Ross Perot are both Nazi aliens from Alpha Centauri
who want to save our children from rap music and budget deficits so that
the mother ship can return and process all human beings into tasty
sausage patties!
Cynically,
Rex "we don't need no stinkin' conspiracy theorists" Black
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 92 22:06:43 EST
From: Linda Birmingham <ADMN8647@RYEVM.RYERSON.CA>
Subject: Don't say you weren't warned
To: eniac
From, Morris Wolfe's column on magazines, Globe & Mail, Oct. 13:
[...]there's now another American magazine, UFO Universe, wholly
devoted to the subject.
The editor of the magazine, Timothy Green Beckley, is a *true*, true
believer undeterred by past failures. (He once claimed pictures of a
badly burned dead pilot were those of an alien). The current issue of
UFO Universe contains an excerpt from Beckley's new book which reveals
the existence of a subterranean world populated by extraterrestrial
"deros" - degenerate robots. Their existence has been hidden from the
rest of us by the military and scientific establishment who have an
agreement with "these entities".
The possible nature of their arrangement is made clear in another
article which claims that alien spacecraft are stored in Nevada and
occasionally test flown by human pilots. "Speculation has it that
these craft were either captured by our military or given to the U.S.
government by aliens...in exchange for 'us' letting [them] abduct
humans for various purposes."
(A recent issue of the quarterly journal, Skeptical Inquirer, offers a
rival conspiracy theory, propounded by one Bill Cooper. According to
Cooper, the UFO phenomenon is an invention of the Jews who have
created this external threat so that we'll be forced to accept the
imposition of a world dictatorship no later than Nov. 3, 1993).
Each issue of UFO Universe contains several accounts of sightings and
interactions with beings from outer space. One man, who is being
observed by a fleet of spacecraft, asks them telepathically to land
and talk to him. When they don't he taunts them. *No one* likes to
be taunted so one of the spacecraft lands and takes him for a spin.
Another article describes how Professor John Salter of the University
of North Dakota was abducted by humanoids who stuck things up his
nose. (Salter teaches a course entitled UFOs, ETs and Close
Encounters.) Since his abduction, Salter's hair and fingernails have
been growing faster and "he has begun to recall previous encounters
with alien beings".
Abductions, it turns out, are far more common than we might think.
"Do you ever get an undeniable urge to take a drive late at night to
get rid of the cares of the day before bedtime? asks one contributor.
"Do you ever seek the least populated area of a campground in an
effort to get away from the crowd?...If your answer is yes, then you
are a likely candidate for an abduction by UFO occupants."
Furthermore, if you've done those things and *can't* remember having
been abducted, that's proof that you probably were and were made to
forget. (Another article estimates that 6 million living Americans
have been abducted whether they know it or not).
We learn that Spain has come under increasing "attack" from UFOs in
recent years. More Spanish pilots - almost a third - have seen UFOs
than those from any other country. One of that country's principal
investigators is Antonio Ribera who some years ago demonstrated that
inhabitants of the distant planet UMMO landed in the south of France
and immediately began sending out weird memos to ordinary citizens in
manila envelops. (Fans of the Toronto-based horror clowns Mump &
Smoot, who may have wondered about their origin, will recall that they
frequently pray to UMMO).
[Maybe Rex Black is right? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 19 Oct 92 21:21:11 GMT
From: n9020351@henson.cc.wwu.edu (James Douglas Del-Vecchio)
Subject: Forced kidney donations
Newsgroups: sci.med,alt.folklore.urban
lsg001@cck.coventry.ac.uk (Graham Wilson) writes:
> proberts@informix.com (Paul Roberts) writes:
>>jpennell@axion.bt.co.uk (John Pennell) writes:
"This is not a lunatic raving, just someone interested.
I recently read the posts regarding the use of pig's livers in humans.
Recently, there has been a rumour close to my home town of young people
being sold "drugs" at parties which have later turned out to be
tranquilisers. The young people disappear for 3-4 days and when they
return, a very professional job has been made of the removal of a kidney.
Until now, I have dismissed this has a stupid rumour, but the post got me
thinking. If the operation is possible, would this make the "scam" described
lucrative. I have heard that so far, the local police are aware of this
happening in Chelmsford and Hertford and a two other places in the Herts
and Essex area of England. Any observations or comments on the
practicalities of this would be welcome."
>>Why would anyone bother sewing them up again and returning them to where
>>they came from? Why not take both kidneys and dump the body somewhere?
>** Big hint - It's called murder
What nonsense.
I've heard this one before: the organ booteggers trick their
poor victims with "Blue Star Tattoos", powerful drugs insidiously
disguised as harmless "lick-em" stickers for children. Why, you must
be asking, once the victims are knocked out and and de-kidneyed, are
they simply not used in a snuff film? Well, they frequently are, I
assure you, but these crooks are even more diabolical than the petty
snuff-film-director/organ-bootlegger of tradition. Because the Blue
Star drugs are so addictive, the donors are quickly hooked and come
back again and again for a fix, unwittingly losing an organ with each
purchace. Tragicly, some never catch on before it's too late.
One such person, the hollow boy, as he is called, or Craig
Shergold, is on his deathbed as we speak. His one dream is to break
the world record for the largest number of shoes to be sent to a dying
boy. His doctors say he may yet make it, and the support you show
him with a pair of your old loafers could make all the difference.
Craig's address can be had by writing Ann Landers.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 09:07:27 CDT
From: audrone@i88.isc.com (Audrone Matutis)
Subject: For Yucks
To: spaf
>From andy@ivy.isc.com Tue Oct 13 18:05:59 1992
Subject: UNIX ABC's
THE ABC'S OF UNIX
A is for Awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for Biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for CC, as hackers recall, while
D is for DD, the command that does all.
E is for Emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for Fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for Grep, a clever detective, while
H is for Halt, which may seem defective.
I is for Indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for Join, which nobody uses.
K is for Kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for Lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for More, from which Less was begot, and
N is for Nice, which it really is not.
O is for Od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for Passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for Quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for Ranlib, for sorting ar [sic] table.
S is for Spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for True, which does very little.
U is for Uniq, which is used after Sort, and
V is for Vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for Whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for Yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for Zcat, which handles compression.
(Thanks to Doug Royer who spotted it at SunSoft --
From toone@looney Tue Oct 13 13:42:37 1992)
------------------------------
Date: 16 Oct 92 01:07:54 GMT
From: u6069416@ucsvc.ucs.unimelb.edu.au
Subject: gerbil shaving and piercing
Newsgroups: rec.arts.bodyart
Hi,
Does anyone have hints for shaving gerbils?
Also, a friend thinks that piercing gerbils would aid in their retrieval, by
tying a cord to the ring. Can anyone suggest the best place to pierce the
gerbil for this purpose?
Any help would be appreciated,
Butternut.
[Um, I'm afraid we can't render the type of help "Butternut" really needs.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 11:48:44 PDT
From: Walt Pesch <walt@sequent.com>
Subject: HUMOR: the debates
To: spaf
MIKE ROYKO [If I were on the panel...]
A number of major news organizations refuse to let their reporters be
on the panel of questioners at presidential debates. They consider the
debates staged political events and say it would be unethical for them
to take part.
But I don't have any such qualms. I won't be asked, but just in case,
I have prepared my list of questions for President Bush, Gov. Bill
Clinton and Ross Perot. They cover, I believe, most of the major issues
of this campaign.
President Bush, you say you were not part of ``the loop'' in the
Iran-contra arms deal. Doesn't that make you feel silly? I mean, there
you were, the Vice President of the United States, the second-biggest
enchilada, and they didn't even tell you what was going on? What was the
deal -- did they think you'd blab? And would you have blabbed? You want
to blab now?
Gov. Clinton, you attended Oxford University in England and Yale Law
School in the Ivy League, two of the finest institutions of learning in
the world. So how come you still talk like a hillbilly?
Mr. Perot, this question concerns the relationship between one's
height and how one uses power. Have you noticed that Napoleon, Attila
the Hun and you are all short guys, and would you care to comment on
that?
President Bush, did Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa of Japan ever send
you the dry-cleaning bill after you threw up on his trousers, and did
you pay it?
Gov. Clinton, is your choice of jogging attire an indication that you
are seeking the nerd vote?
Mr. Perot, you made most of your billions in the computer industry.
Could you tell the American people what the heck they should do when
their PC sends the message, ``Abort, Retry, Fail''?
President Bush, you are, in all likelihood, the last American
president who will have grown up during the Great Depression. Would you
care to share with those younger Americans, who are now suffering
through hard times, your memories of what it was like to look upon a
depressed nation through the window of the family limo that was driving
you to your prep school?
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife
was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with
millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out
of that pickle?
Mr. Perot, as a successful businessman, don't you think it would be a
more prudent use of your resources to go find a small, undeveloped
country, buy the whole thing and declare yourself king?
President Bush, you live in the White House, you own a huge home on
the coast of Maine, but you insist on voting in Texas and claiming to be
a Texan. Are you ashamed of being a natural-born Eastern elitist?
Gov. Clinton, you have said that if you are elected president, you
will continue to make bus tours around the United States to stay in
touch with grass-roots Americans. Do you promise to do it only on
weekends so you don't screw up rush-hour traffic?
Mr. Perot, from where we're sitting, we can't see -- are you standing
on a phone book?
President Bush, when that reporter asked you about reports that you
were once lovey-dovey with a female aide, you really got indignant and
mad. Why did you get mad? I mean, come on, you're a successful, healthy,
normal, tall, good-looking guy, with a full head of hair, and, hey,
stuff happens, right?
Gov. Clinton, President Carter called himself Jimmy. You call
yourself Bill. Don't any of you Southerners have real grown-up names?
Mr. Perot, after this election is over, and assuming you do not win,
if Larry King has to make a choice between having you on his show or Zsa
Zsa Gabor, what do you think your chances will be, and do you want to
make a bet?
President Bush, during his two terms in the White House, Ronald
Reagan frequently took naps, dozed off during meetings and took kind of
a laid-back approach to governing our nation. And he was one of the most
popular presidents of modern times. In contrast, you are always wide
awake, on the go, jetting from one place to another, frantically
flailing at golf balls and speeding off in golf carts, or zipping around
in a boat in pursuit of fish, yet your popularity is low. So if you had
it all to do over again, would you have popped a few Valiums?
Gov. Clinton, after the election is over, win or lose, are you going
to finally inhale?
Mr. Perot, or are those two phone books?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 11:48:44 PDT
From: Walt Pesch <walt@sequent.com>
Subject: HUMOR: the debates
To: spaf
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 16:23:28 PDT
From: ckleinja@Novell.COM (Connie Kleinjans)
Subject: HUMOR: An election quiz
PENCILS UP, YOU MAY BEGIN
Joel McNally, the Innocent Bystander -- The Milwaukee Journal 10/1/92
A midterm campaign examination on everything we have learned so far:
1. Which promise on taxes by George Bush do you find more persuasive?
a. His 1988 pledge: "Read my lips. No new taxes."
b. His new, improved 1992 pledge: "I am not going to do it again.
Ever, ever."
2. Which action by a college student do you consider more important in
determining how you will vote in 1992?
a. What Bill Clinton did to avoid getting drafted to fight in a
war he opposed.
b. What Dan Quayle did to avoid getting drafted to fight in a war
he supported.
3. In the Great Owl Debate of "jobs vs. environment" posed by the
Bush campaign, which would you be more upset to wake up
tomorrow morning and find was gone?
a. Your job.
b. Your planet.
4. Which of the following would you be willing to bet your next
paycheck that the vice president of the United States could
spell correctly?
a. Anti-disestablishmentarianism
b. Potato
c. Cat
5. What is your favorite family value?
a. The right to choose whether to have a family.
b. The right to enjoy "Murphy Brown."
c. The Grand Slam Special at Denny's
6. Which candidate has the most appeal among young voters?
a. Clinton, because he plays that hip musical instrument,
the saxophone.
b. Bush, because he talks in rap.
c. Al Gore, because he looks like Superman.
d. Quayle, because he looks like Jimmy Olsen.
e. Ross Perot, because he's an elf.
7. Bush says the election is about trust. Which of the following
would you trust Bush to do if elected to a second term?
a. Never to raise taxes again. Ever. Ever.
b. To select only the best-qualified Americans for important
jobs such as the vice presidency and the US Supreme Court.
c. Not to throw up on heads of state while visiting other
nations.
8. During the sale of US missiles to Iran, the late Ronald Reagan
was napping through the presidency and Vice President Bush was
"out of the loop." Write down your best guess as to who was
running the United States.
9. What is your primary concern about the US economy?
a. How to spend the big bonanza if Bush finally succeeds
in cutting capital gains taxes.
b. Whether US jobs are on a fast track or a slow track to
Mexico.
c. That there be one again.
10. What about Bush reminds you most of Harry Truman?
a. Nobody thinks he's going to win.
b. He likes to fish and recently rode on a train.
c. He's a dead man.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1992 10:03:39 -0700 (PDT)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: I'm easily amused
To: eniac
Anna Quindlen made me laugh out loud with her New York Times column this
morning, in which she poses a series of questions for Bush, Clinton, and
Perot, among them:
"...we assume that all three of you watched the Vice-Presidential debate.
To inject a personal note, one of our panelists watched it with a
9-year-old who said, 'Has there ever been a fistfight at one of these
things?' Given the over-the-top pugnacity of Vice President Dan Quayle
(accompanied by that corrosive giggle) and the tough-to-take pedantry
of Al Gore, here is the question: Would you support Vice-Presidential
fistfights in future campaigns? And was Mr. Perot's running mate, James
Stockdale, speaking for all Americans when he said, 'Who am I? Why am I
here?'"
Barbara, who was told this morning that *she* won the debates
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 13:24:45 WST
From: reid@iss.nus.sg (Thomas Reid)
Subject: Oh dear, what will become of Yucks?
To: spaf
>From the lunatic fringe in Korea via an ad in the Singapore edition of
the international USA Today on October 14th -- edited slightly to
convert graphics to text. However, before you rush off sending any
money, the Singapore Straits Times reported that the kindly reverend
head of this organization has been arrested for bilking his brethern of
some $1M that was invested in bonds and such maturing in 1995 and after.
Think he has found a way of taking it with him?
JESUS WILL COME!
in the feast of the trumpet
OCT. 28th '92
But you, brothers, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise
you like a thief. (I Thess. 5:4)
WATCH OUT!
o Returning of millions Jewish people to home land. (Isa. 43:6)
o Violent earthquakes & volcano eruptions over the world. (MTT. 24:7)
o Crisises & Peace talks in the Middle East. (Rev. 9:18)
o Prevailing the mark, 666, Bar Code, the mark of the beast. (Rev. 13:16-18)
o Strengthening of the EC as economic giant. (Dan. 2:40-43)
HOW CAN WE PREPARE?
o Make sure the grace of blood of the cross!
o Repent! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!
o Purify - Sanctify yourself!
o Read the bible! Pray continually!
o Give up your fleshly life!
o Love only Jesus with your whole heart!
COC Mission #98-77 Whagok Dong, Kangsu-Ku, Seoul, Korea TEL., FAX. 603-3532
DO NOT RECEIVE THE MARK 666, BAR CODE ON THE FOREHEAD OR RIGHT HAND!
[Also, read Yucks regularly. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 13:32 EST
From: * <@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU:MARTIN@SCRANTON>
Subject: real cats are not object-oriented
To: SPAF
"But classes can only approximate Platonic ideals, because classes of
real objects such as cats are generally _natural kinds_ that cannot be
completely characterized by a finits set of attributes. There is no
finite set of properties that precisely specifies the collection of all
real and potential cats. An object-oriented cat class can at best
approximate the class of cats. Reals cats are therefore not
object-oriented."
Peter Wegener, Brown University
"Dimensions of Object-Oriented Modeling"
Computer (IEEE CS) October 1992, p.14
Does this mean that cats are more complex that we can model in
computers? Is this a new Turing test? Can AI be applied to cats?
Is this a new insight into the A in AI?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 11:11:33 -0700
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Strange POSTMASTER mail
To: spaf
Admittedly, the Scripps Institute of Oceanography is part of our campus,
but I never quite expected to see something like this:
>From deleted-to-protect-the-innocent@ucdavis.edu Mon Oct 19 22:01:15 1992
>
>I am trying to find a source for obtaining a tropical octopus.
>
(Yes, it was a serious inquiry. We passed it on to the Scripps Aquarium.)
[Hmmm, could you have supplied just the object code instead? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 92 16:36:56 PDT
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Submission for Yucks digest
To: spaf
[Gene,
A friend of mine innocently sent me a note talking about how much she
enjoyed football, college and professional, in the Seattle area. Somehow
this set me off, and I generated the following response, which you might
like to use...]
Interestingly, through an entire year of minor irritations (like various
morons running for office, or Neanderthal proposition ballots in neighboring
southern states which are close to my heart (the states, not the
propositions), or dopey media blitzes of various kinds), I have yet to go
off the rails and begin ranting incessantly. However, by some sort of
unfortunate negative kismet thingee, Phyllis' perfectly innocent,
enthusiastic message about football has happened upon me at precisely the
instant to somehow trigger the dreaded Moriarty Grumpy Old Man Response.
Begorrah.
----
I, for one, thank God that the Seattle Seahawks are at the bottom of their
league (as an aside, I feel differently about baseball -- it's a slow game,
but a wonderful religion). If they weren't, Seattlites would have twice the
excuse to gibber uncontrollably on the streets every week a home game is
played. (I don't care if they gibber at home or in bars when the games or
played on the road.) I live in the U District, and most Saturdays in
October and November I have to alter my weekend plans to cater to traffic
and parking patterns generated by the influx of seventy-zillion Born-Again
Huskies, who clog the local roads, take away parking spaces at local
businesses, and turn my favorite afternoon restaurants and coffee/tea houses
into blaring pre- or post-game Houses du Swill.
Now, I went to the University of Washington; I've even got a piece of paper
around here somewhere that says I got a C.S. degree from them (I believe
that the word "barely" has been whited-out.) And frankly, the only thing I
really crave to wear in purple is a sweatshirt that says "I went to the
U.W., and I don't give a RAT'S ASS about the Huskies." The reasons I
haven't commissioned such a silk-screened item is that:
a) The sentence isn't large enough for a size 'L' sweatshirt
b) After seeing it, many of my misanthropic friends would want me
to make one for them, too.
c) I'd get the crap beaten out of me every time I ventured outside on
a Saturday in autumn.
As to football.... Well, I can't say that I have anything against it,
specifically -- most of my complaints tend to parallel Phyllis' observations
(but less coherently), i.e., the media has turned a possibly-interesting
sports into Rock-'Em, Sock-'Em Verbiage. I agree with George Carlin about
football vs baseball, philosophically -- football seems fashioned more for
the Terminator society of today, while I associate baseball with the
idealized past of black-and-white movies -- honorable, wry and classically
American. (Blue Jay fans may begin laughing hysterically at this point.)
It probably wasn't that way, but I'm a romantic, and I get most of my
baseball images from films like THE NATURAL and FIELD OF DREAMS, instead of
watching actual games, which bore me.
Not that I'm against violent sports; I just hate *homogenized* violent
sports. When I was at Reed, the only competitive team sport I had any
interest in watching was women's rugby, which at Reed was like watching
lions feed on Christians. Ivy league teams who played Reed (most of whom
appeared to envision the rugby as being played in a more sophisticated
manner, somewhere between soccer and sculling) would leave the field
screaming and sobbing, most having their comfortable view of the game, their
school and their world ravaged beyond repair. (Enrollment in Young
Republican organizations on the campuses Reed played would invariable drop
after a women's rugby tournament.) Had our team been been given college
football outfits and set to play against the current University of
Washington men's football team, I doubt that more than 1/3 of the Huskies
would escape from the melee without at least one major limb amputated. Not
that Reed would win -- they would simply make the cost of playing too high
for the game to continue at the collegiate level. I always thought of them
as sort of an aggregate Doomsday Device with an after-Armageddon kegger
event built-in. Now, *that* is *sport*.
------
Well, I feel *much* better after that. And hey! My spleen's shrunk down to
normal size!
"Would you like a beer,
Mr. Peterson?"
"No, I'd like a dead cat
in a glass."
------------------------------
From: chai@cs.uiuc.edu
Subject: The cost of 'futzing' (UPI)
UPI Computer Comment
United Press International
Futzing costs American business nearly $100 billion a year, or nearly
2 percent of the gross domestic product. That's the startling conclusion
of a study conducted by SBT Accounting Systems in Sausalito, Calif., a
maker of business software.
So, exactly what is futzing? The study defines it as unproductive
time spent tinkering with computer software, whether trying to get it to
work or just playing or wasting time at the computer.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 10:32:47 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Tooth Fairy exposed
To: eniac
Tooth Fairy reconsidered
My friend Jane's brother Dan had five children and a job that
didn't pay very well. So at their house they had a slight
variation on the Tooth Fairy.
"Now kids," he told them, "there isn't really a Tooth Fairy. Not
exactly. Your classmates got the story wrong, or maybe *their*
parents don't love them enough to tell them the truth.
"What there is, is a Tooth Monster.
"You see, it's true, *most* of the time, when the Tooth Monster
comes around and finds a tooth under your pillow, he leaves a
quarter.
"But *some*times, every so often, he finds the tooth, and he
takes it, and he *eats* you."
Shaking his head sadly, Dan would say, "but it's up to you kids.
You have the facts now. You can put that tooth under your pillow
if you want to. And you probably will get a quarter. But your
mother and I want you to know," (here he'd take off his glasses and
ostentatiously wipe them, getting a lump in his throat as he spoke)
"that we love you very much, and we will miss you, if you bet wrong."
------------------------------
Date: 18 Oct 1992 13:00:56 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: UHF Televsion Antennas useful for anything?
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
In article <chrisc.79.719268271@ramrod.lmt.mn.org> chrisc@ramrod.lmt.mn.org (Chris Cox) writes:
>I've heard rumours that some people use them for receiving UHF television
>transmissions...
I've tried doing this, but I have been having real trouble. While I am using
an antenna installed in 1965, I continue to get 1992 programs. Also, the
programs seem to be extremely stupid, no matter what I do. I found a control
on the TV marked "brightness" and turned it up, but the intelligence level
didn't improve any. I am not sure what to do about this.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 92 15:10:20 PDT
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: what day is it
To: eniac
My zygocactus started blooming last weekend. These are the plants
normally called "Christmas cactus", although I think I also have
a "Thanksgiving cactus" (a different but related variety) or two
in the crowd. But this is just too early. Have I got instead
"Columbus Day cactus"? "Canadian Thanksgiving Day cactus"?
(Does Proxmire know?) "Last Air Show at Moffett Field cactus"?
Whatever it is, they're convinced. Not just a bloom or two,
but a shower.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Oct 92 17:21:23 PDT
From: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (Jeff Meyer)
Subject: Yuck's Submission: Water, water everywhere...
To: spaf
FONTS OF WISDOM
by Barry Tarshis
copied w/o permission from the NY Times, Monday 8/31/92, p.A15
Imagine that a network morning show has assembled six political
heavyweights for a call-in show. A teacher phones to report that during
a recent class tour of the White House, a student wanted a drink of
water, only to discover that the fountain was out of order. The teacher
asks the panel what message a broken fountain at the White House sends
to the young people of America. Let's listen to the answers.
Ross Perot: The question here is simple: how do we fix it. I say, let's
bring together the finest plumbing talent in America -- from outside the
system. Let them look at the fountain. Turn it on. Turn it off.
Measure the flow in it. That sort of thing. And you can be sure, the
next time you take a White House tour, you're going to drink from a
world-class fountain.
Jesse Jackson: Let us not talk about this broken water fountain. Let us
talk about the thousands of broken water fountains across America. For
they, too, are broken, like the broken dreams of America's forgotten
children. And whether you are black, white, brown or yellow, you cannot
use them. Why? Because the Republican Party is more interested in
_Perrier_ water and _Pellegrino_ water than it is in _public_ water.
Al Gore: I love my country. And I love water. And I love the children
who drink from the water fountains in the country I love, and that my
father loves. And I believe in my heart that the time has come, now
more than ever, for all of us to be inspired by the young people of
America whose dreams for the future depend on our ability as a nation to
provide them with the water that is the essence of their survival.
Dan Quayle: I am very, very sympathetic to the disappointment young
people in America feel when they go to a water fountain in the single
most important building in America and cannot drink from it. Because I,
too, would be very, very disappointed if I were to go to get a drink
from a water fountain and discover that, because of the Democrats, the
water does not come up. Water is a terrible thing to waste, when there
is thirst but no water, that is a terrible thing.
Bill Clinton: I grew up in a home where public water fountains were very
important to me and to my family. And I have put forward a plan similar
to the plan I introduced to Arkansas. This plan is good for America. It
takes the $4.25 million savings we realize when we eliminate the 10
percent reduction on the capital gains that exceed $30,000 in any given
one-year period for Americans under the age of 31 who graduated before
1984, and it allocates 18.5 percent of that sum to paying for 80 percent
of the new fountain construction.
George Bush: O.K. Sure. Fine. There's something wrong with a water
fountain in the White House? Not denying it. Have to be a fool to deny
it. But make no mistake about it. There is a lot that is _right_ with
it, too. And that's one thing I want to focus on, you see, not what's
bad about the water fountains in America by what's _good_ about them.
And with the help of the American people and a Republican Congress I can
work with, I can make the water flow again in the water fountains of
America.
"I should have caught the mistake on that spelling
bee card. But as Mark Twain once said, 'You
should never trust a man who has only one way to
spell a word.'"
-- Dan Quayle, actually quoting
from President Andrew Jackson
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------