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Yucks Digest V2 #52
Yucks Digest Wed, 14 Oct 92 Volume 2 : Issue 52
Today's Topics:
Amnesia International
Another business opportunity missed...
A translation...
But, officer...
cutie
First Annual Weird Software
For Yucks (2 msgs)
HOW ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CHANGED OUR LIVES
Music to Our Ears
Observations at software firms
Plain Talk about Pie-Charts
SETI info request
Speaking of names...
Surgeon General's Warning on Diet Colas
Tape write rings wanted
Troubles at DEC
Weird Movie Renaming (fwd)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Amnesia International
We care.
We care about people. Deeply. Vaguely. Many parts of the world
are not very nice. We want to help. Help us find out which parts
they are. Or whatever. You know.
AMNESIA
INTERNATIONAL
PO Box either 207, or 702, or 027,
That Big Town With The Exhibition Centre And all The Tunnels,
Can't Remember the New Name of the County But It Used To Be
Called Rutland Or Something. Anyway, You Can't Miss It.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 92 06:35:10 EDT
From: droms@sol.cs.bucknell.edu (Ralph E. Droms)
Subject: Another business opportunity missed...
To: systems, faculty@sol.cs.bucknell.edu, acadcomp@bucknell.edu
NPR news this morning had a short piece about a new computer
consultant firm in Falls Church, VA. called "Rent-a-nerd". The firm
supplies consultants at $1/minute. When asked if the consultants were
truly experts, the firm's representative replied, "Sure, we're all
nerds."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 07:55:56 PDT
From: spl@pitstop.UCSD.EDU (Steve Lamont)
Subject: A translation...
To: spaf
I stumbled across this little item in the current (October 1992) issue of
Communication of the ACM:
"BANKS UNDERDRAWN... The banking industry spent over a billion dollars
on technology last year, yet they are not even close to employing
leading-edge tools. A new survey ... indicates that over 75% of bank
computer programs are still written in Cobol and 84% of banking
software is designed for mainframes, not PCs. Moreover, 80% of the
software used by banks is over six years old and only 37% of their
locations are networked. The report reveals most banks are simply not
investigating new advances in computer applications."
[Communications of the ACM, Vol 35, No 10, p.9]
A translation:
BANKS CONSERVATIVE... The banking industry spent over a billion
dollars on techology that works, rather than the latest glitzy play
toy. A new survey ... indicates that over 75% of bank computer
programs are written in a language appropriate to the task as opposed
to trying to force their models into the latest Object Oriented fad
and 84% of banking software is designed to run on systems that have
low mean time between failures, juggle hundreds of users, handle huge
databases, and push megabytes at high rates, not tiny little
machines that crash with great regularity, are designed for a single
user, if even that, have miniscule disks, and have bandwidth the
approximating that of a sclerotic soda straw. Moreover, 80% of the
software used by banks has been fairly well debugged and only 37% of
their locations are open to attack by thirteen year olds with modems
and a lot of time on their hands. The report reveals most banks are
simply not chasing the latest fad in confuser science and piddling
their money away on recoding working applications unnecessarily.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Oct 92 08:30:05 GMT
From: hacksaw@cellar.org
Subject: But, officer...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A cop was interrogating a very intoxicated Irishman, who was also severly
bleeding. The officer asked, "Can you describe the person who did this to
you?"
The Irishman replied, "That's what I was doing when he hit me."
------------------------------
Date: 6 Oct 92 04:36:51 EDT (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
The music director of Milwaukee Junior High School,
Arthur N. E. Moore, was discussing the upcoming Christmas Music
Pagaent with his student assistant orchestra leader, Warren Peeze.
"Warren," said Mr. Moore, "we're looking for a unique sound
this year. We've got to bring up attendance at these Christmas
Musicals, or the School Board will cut my budget."
"Well, Mr. Moore," replied young Warren, eager to satisfy
his teacher in hopes of getting a better grade. "Perhaps we
can go for a real authentic sound."
"What do you mean?" replied the director.
"Well, if we do something like `Silent Night', how about
using some live animals for the sounds of the sheep at night?
I mean, we could probably get ten or twenty good noisy sheep from the
Baker's farm just down the road, and ..."
"Warren!! That's preposterous!" roared Mr. Moore. "Turn
around this instant and bend over! For suggesting something as insane
as that, you are going to get what you deserve!"
"But, but, but..." uttered Warren, as he bent over and grabbed
his ankles, a disiplinary position he was familiar with.
As Warren bent over, Mr. Moore moved close to him, and yelled
a rather loud "Booooooooooo!"
Startled, Warren fell over. He picked himself up off the floor
and inquired, "What was that all about? I thought you were gonna whack
me."
To this, Mr. Moore replied, "Gee Warren, I thought everyone knew
that `A herd in the band is worth boo in the tush!'"
Randal L. Schwartz
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 92 09:06:37 -0700
From: bostic@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: First Annual Weird Software
To: /dev/null@vangogh.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From COMPUTERGRAM INTERNATIONAL - ISSUE NO.2023 - 07/10/92
At the San Diego Computer Fair at the end of last month, the
first annual Weird Software, and there was so much that went
from "the totally gross to the bizarre" that the judges decided
on a three-way tie for first - Boredom Inc from the Mormon state
walked off with two of the three equal firsts for Alien, which
enables you to decide whether your neighbours are from outer
space, and Bathroom, to calculate exactly how long you will
spend (and doing what) in the bathroom in your lifetime, but
both seem to pale into insignificance compared with the other
winner, Bungee, by Scott Garcia and Robert Cuenca, which is a
screen saver that features a bungee-jumping cow whose cord
breaks; she plunges to the ground and turns into a pile of
steaks, hamburgers and sausages.
------------------------------
Date: 8 Oct 92 14:03:49 EST
From: "Kathy Heaphy" <HEAPHY@agecon.purdue.edu>
Subject: For Yucks
To: spaf
I thought your Yucks readers might be interested in this bit of
trivia:
October 14th Is
Happy English Language Day!
On October 14, 1066, the Norman Duke William, the Conqueror, defeated
the new English king, Harold, on a hillside near Hastings, and was
himself crowned King of England in Westminster Abbey on Christmas
Day. The year 1987 marks the 900th anniversary of the death of
William the Conqueror.
The Battle of Hastings -- and the resulting Norman succession -- was
directly responsible for the subsequent change of English from a
complicated, largely Germanic dialect of limited use, to the modern
English language, one of the most valuable assets of the Western
world.
On October 14, we recognize the contribution of William the Conqueror
to Western speech, liberty, literature, government, drama,
transportation, poetry, commerce, society, diplomacy, communication,
economics, science, and religion.
May your October 14 be happy, and your future English Language Days
be joyous, free, and productive!
William Travis
[I wonder if Dan Quayl is celebrating? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 92 12:47:10 -0700
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: foryucks
To: spaf
[ Original posting by Dick Dunn, rcd@ico.isc.com, 6 Oct 1989 ]
MadHatterDay
[ Oops! I missed getting this out on time... --spaf]
1992: MadHatterDay VII
1. What Is It?
MadHatterDay is a holiday in October. It fills the need for a
second crazy day in the year, almost exactly half a year from April
Fools' Day. The real spirit of MadHatterDay is turnabout: The nonsense
we usually have to pretend is sane can be called madness for one day in
the year; the superficially crazy things that really make sense can be
called sane on MadHatterDay.
MadHatterDay is 10/6. The date was chosen from the illustrations by
John Tenniel in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, wherein the Mad Hatter
is always seen wearing a hat bearing a slip of paper with the notation
"In this style 10/6". We take this as inspiration to behave in the
style of the Mad Hatter on 10/6 (which is October 6 here, although in
Britain MadHatterDay occurs on June 10...but I digress...) Some astute
observers have noted that the paper in the Mad Hatter's Hat was really
an order to make a hat in the style shown, to cost ten shillings
sixpence. However, it is well known that Time Is Money, and therefore
Money Is Time, and therefore 10/6 may as well be the sixth of October.
MadHatterDay began in Boulder, CO, in 1986, among some computer-folk who
had nothing better to do. It was immediately recognized as valuable
because they caused less damage than if they'd been doing their jobs.
It was announced that first year on computer networks. In 1987 it gained
minor local recognition. In 1988, it was first recognized as an
official holiday by an area business, and also received its first
national press coverage by news services (who are always desperate for
an unlikely story). It is almost certain that the national election
also gave MadHatterDay a good boost in 1992.
Detailed plans for this year's MadHatterDay observance will, of course,
be announced on October 7. We have found that plans made after the fact
are more accurate and much easier to have fulfilled. Or, as the Red
Queen said, "sentence first, then the verdict!"
2. What Goes?
What do people do on MadHatterDay? In general, we celebrate silliness.
But what if your work involves something inherently silly--say
marketing, where you put on a three-piece suit (five or six layers of
fabric) in the summertime, tie a piece of cloth around your neck to
restrict blood flow to the brain, and set about trying to convince
people to buy things they don't want and can't afford because this will
give the country a Healthy Economy? In this case, doing something
absolutely sane will have a more startling effect than you can possibly
imagine.
Your world is crazier than you think:
* We travel around by taking the juice from hundred-million-year-old
rotten dinosaur food and exploding it in a metal can.
* A "sports fanatic" is not someone who participates in sports, but
someone who sits indoors on a beautiful day, drinking beer while
yelling at the picture on a little box. (Throw the ultimate
football party: Forget the TV; just sit around eating and drinking
with friends.)
* As much as we say we like to "get away from it all", the more
successful we are, the more we take it all with us when we go.
(Take a vacation with all the comforts of home: Just stay home!)
* We're so well-fed that we're getting food with intentionally
reduced nutritional content--so we can take the trouble to eat
without getting the benefit of doing so. (Enjoy the ultimate in
fast-diet-food: Skip lunch.)
* We've saved so much gift-giving for the Christmas season that it
has entirely unbalanced the flow of cash and consumer goods through
the year. So merchants decided to start the season early to have
something to do the rest of the year. (There's now only one major
gift-giving holiday--but it lasts for five months. Surprise
someone with a MadHatterDay present.)
...and it goes. Take a look around you, drop your assumptions about
what must be proper and normal, and see how much of it is just silly.
Better yet, try to find something that does make sense.
Don't hurt anyone. Save the pranks for April 1. This is "a Kinder,
Gentler Fool's Day."
------------------------------
Date: 5 Oct 92 16:25:50 GMT
From: carasso@inference.com (C A R A S S O)
Subject: HOW ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE CHANGED OUR LIVES
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
YEAR ADVANCEMENTS RESULTING SHAMPOO LABELING
======================================================================
1900 HUMAN COMMON SENSE REASONING <none>
1950 EARLY COMPUTERS IN USE "WET, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT"
1980 ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE[1] "WET, LATHER, RINSE, REPEAT IF NECESSARY"
2010 AI COMMON SENSE REASONING <NIL>
"1950-2010: It was the Golden Era of
the effects computers had on society."
--"Fall of Western Civilization",
Roger David Carasso,
Syrian Institute of Technology,
2025
...carasso
[1] Where NECESSARY is the fuzzy logic function:
NECESSARY = (int) (IQ < 100) * PHASE_OF_MOON / PI
------------------------------
Date: 11 Oct 92 07:20:04 GMT
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Music to Our Ears
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
"President Bush said the other day that he believes
in the values of country music. Yeah, and in about
a month he'll be sitting in his pickup, getting drunk,
and wondering why he lost his job!"
- Jay Leno
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Jul 1992 21:04:40 GMT
From: kgg@mv.mv.com (Kenn Goutal)
Subject: Observations at software firms
Newsgroups: misc.jobs.misc,misc.jobs.offered,ne.jobs
One of the original questions was "Where do programmers go after they
turn 35?". One of the first answers was that they fall prey to "programmer
burnout". While true, I think this is slightly misleading.
Where do professional athletes go after they turn 35?
I don't know where most of them go, but they don't stay on as
professional athletes. They fall prey to "athletic burnout".
Where do research scientists go after they turn 35?
Again, who knows, but you can bet that not many of them are doing
research worth beans after that, but probably are managing other,
younger researchers who haven't yet fallen prey to "researcher burnout".
Where do championship 'go' players go after they turn 35.
Dunno. Maybe they open up noodle shops. But, to my knowledge, there
hasn't been a world champion 'go' player over 40 in the history of the
game. Why? "go player burnout".
Bottom line: *On average*, somewhere between 30 and 40 your brain turns
to mush, to put it baldly. More specifically, it doesn't work as creatively,
nor does it have the stamina it once had; single-bit and multi-bit failures
become more common as brain cells die and are not replaced. The muscles and
joints of an athlete have a slight advantage in that the cells to get
replaced, but in general the body doesn't work so well after a while, either.
Of course, there are exceptions. But they are not the rule.
The problem is not specific to programmers.
It might be cheaper in the long run to put everybody over <pick some age
limit> into retirement, and quit spending corporate and government money
trying to pretend that they are still useful.
Hmmm... Where's my flameproof suit? (I can almost remember the trade
name for the fabric, but being on the wrong side of 40, I'm having a
single-bit failure and can't retrieve it. So HA.)
------------------------------
From: al@escom.com (Al Donaldson)
Subject: Plain Talk about Pie-Charts
Here's the top-ten graphics Ross Perot didn't show you:
10. bar chart showing the number of squirrels hit by cars
by year since 1980
9. pie chart showing breakout of different kinds of graphics he used,
41% pie charts, 38% bar charts, 12% tables, 9% other.
8. pie chart showing consumption of pies since 1900.
7. bar chart showing his height in inches by year
6. pie chart showing how many times he used the word "deficit"
in each of the three 10-minute segments of the show.
5. bar chart showing the decline in the number of volunteers
each time he changed his mind about running..
4. bar chart showing how many Really Serious Mistakes (TM)
General Motors has made each year since he left.
3. pie chart comparing the quality of a haircut with cost,
since the Republicans took over the White House.
2. table showing the size of his ears in inches each year
since they fluoridized his drinking water,
and the Number One Graphics Ole Ross Didn't Show You:
1. bar chart showing how many $$billions$$ he had in the bank
for each of the past five presidencies.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Oct 92 13:35:18
From: macrakis@osf.org (Stavros Macrakis)
Subject: SETI info request
Newsgroups: alt.internet.services
In article <1992Oct12.223750.3820@wam.umd.edu> sra@nxstep.com (Rich Andrews) writes:
Well, NASA has finally started SETI on a large scale. Have any lists or
ftp sites begun carrying any of the discussions?
I understand that there are some political problems in setting up
appropriate net domains. Although the NIC suggested .xt
(extra-terrestrial), this is likely to be rejected by some user sites,
who'd rather see the existing domains become subdomains of more
universal names.
On the other hand, IP has been extended to work over
very-large-latency connections. Testing is ongoing, but slow. The
alpha-centauri.xt domain has not yet received its copy of the protocol
suites.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1992 15:54:27 -0500
From: genek@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
Subject: Speaking of names...
To: bob
Did any else look at the following misc.forsale posting with any
sense of alarm?
> From misc.forsale Thu Oct 8 15:50:35 1992
> From: LAPBH@CUNYVM.BITNET (Louis Pagan)
> Newsgroups: rec.games.video,misc.forsale
> Subject: BIG GENESALE!!!
> Message-ID: <92281.161251LAPBH@CUNYVM.BITNET>
> Date: 7 Oct 92 20:12:51 GMT
> Organization: City University of New York/ University Computer Center
> Lines: 40
>
I am staying indoors and out of sight today. Please realize that
*I* am not currently on the market. On the other hand, I heard that
the market value of Spaf is up 2.75 points today, and is due for a 2:1
split. Buy now!
[Well, I tried a distress sale by taking 1/2 off, but it worked too well --
everyone got distressed and left. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 11 Oct 92 08:30:03 GMT
From: walrus@bessel.umd.edu (Grig Larson)
Subject: Surgeon General's Warning on Diet Colas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING ON PRODUCTS
# 127748
Comestible Ingredient: "Uh-Huh"
"Uh-Huh": A psychochemical drug usually found in powder or syrup form. It
is dark-brown to black in color. Main extract from the spiny
North American Mid-Western plant called "unk-ha" by the local
Indians. Latin name: ofelius likapepsis.
Approved by the FDA January 13th, 1983 to be used in the distribution of
carbonated drinks. Original purpose for filler, later used to enhace the
flavor of drinks over-thinned by costwise production.
On March 14th, 1992, Punkadyne Labratories, in accordance with FDA studies,
released its report on the long-term effects of the ingredients. The basic
results of the tests are presented here for public distribution. The results
of this test were used to provide leverage to ban the organic compound from
public consumption. The findings were conclusive, and the process is in
litagation.
Punkadyne Labratories tested pre-measrued doses on 500 Lawyers from the
Washington DC area. Lab rats were initially considered, but there are some
things a lab rat just simply won't do.
===========================================================================
Dose: 5-10mg/day (Equivalent to 1 Diet Pepsi Cola)
Effect Test Control
Occasional sleeplessness 39% 2%
Mild stimulant 46% 9%
Dose: 10-50mg/day (Equivalent to Diet Pepsi 6-pack or 3 A&W Creme Sodas)
Effect Test Control
Restlessness 45% 5%
Irritability 69% 9%
Mild mood swings 55% 13%
Watching "Late Night with David Letterman" 23% 0%
Dose: 50-100mg/day (Equivalent to whole box of "No-Doz")
Effect Test Control
Severe mood shifts 56% 9%
Liking "Late Night with David Letterman" 34% 0%
Occaisonal babbling about past girlfriends 89% 23%
Numbness in extremities 35% 2%
Scored low on incompetency exams 84% 84%
Dose: 100-200mg/day (Equivalent to Post-Trauma Adrenaline rush)
Effect Test Control
Schizophrenia 56% 4%
Being a guest on "Late Night with David Letterman" 44% 0%
Calling up past girlfriends and telling them off 98% 11%
Melanin count doubles 44% 0%
Couldn't spell name on incompetency exam 75% 12%
Dose: 200-300mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with coffee)
Effect Test Control
Violent multiple personalities suing each other 78% 9%
Guest Hosting on "Late Night with David Letterman" 61% 0%
Stalking past girlfriends for the kill 98% 22%
Desire to play piano with eyes closed 52% 0%
Couldn't find incompetency exam 89% 8%
Dose: 300-400mg/day (Equivalent to snorting dandelions)
Effect Test Control
Each body part becomes separate entity 77% 2%
Replaces "Late Night with David Letterman" 94% 0%
Dresses dead body of girlfriend in sequin dress 87% 11%
Becomes blind and a terriffic piano player 49% 0%
Drooled on incompetency exam 77% 56%
Spontaneous decapitation 45% 5%
Dose: 400-500mg/day (Equivalent to replacing blood with cocaine)
Effect Test Control
Death via self-mutilation 99% 1%
Is David Letterman 0% 1%
Beaten up by ERA member 12% 95%
Ate incompetency exam 62% 12%
Dose: Over 500mg/day (No earthy equivalent)
Effect Test Control
Death 100% 2%
All test subjects were given straight 100% uh-huh mixed in with a martini.
Control groups were given a martini with an uh-huh look-alike, X7. All
subjects were kept in a natural enviroment, complete with ceiling mirrors
and volumes of legal paperwork to keep them company. The use of inflatable
women was restricted to keep the heart rate low, and was substituted with
Girl Scout magazines.
Results are being scrutinized, as some find the lawyer's response to be
confused with normal lawyer off-hour behavior.
+---------------------------+
| This .sig has been |
| temporarily removed |
| for study. |
+---------------------------+
(c)1992 Punkadyne Research Labratory and Archives at walrus@bessel.umd.edu
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 1992 15:16:47 -0600
From: Charles Shub <cdash@moet.cs.colorado.edu>
Subject: Tape write rings wanted
Newsgroups: co.ads,co.general,boulder.general
To: spaf
> To: sue@niwot.scd.ucar.edu
In news article <1992Oct13.172611.24311@ncar.ucar.edu> you wrote:
=> I am the tape librarian at NCAR, and will be running out of write rings
=> soon. I would imagine that somebody out there has a surplus, since
=> round tapes are slowly going the way of the dinosaurs. I would appreciate
=> any donations from someone who would otherwise throw them away. I can't
=> pay anything, of course, so any transactions would strictly be no strings
=> attached. I would be able to pick them up in the Boulder/Denver area;
=> if you want to be generous and send them to me, that would be great, but
=> we can't accept any COD packages.
=>
=> I have a surplus of WrightLine tape seals (if you don't know what these are,
=> you don't need them). Wanna trade???
=>
=> Please send email directly to me or call.
=>
=> Thanks!!
=>
=> Sue Jensen
=> NCAR
=> 1850 Table Mesa Drive
=> Boulder, CO 80303
=>
=> sue@ncar.ucar.edu
=> 303/497-1245
[I keep all my write-enable rings with my LP records and 8-track tapes. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Jul 92 10:06:29 CDT
From: muchow@anubis.network.com (Jim Muchow)
Subject: Troubles at DEC
To: eniac
The things that appear in my mail spool. Forwarded without further comment.
SUBJECT: Troubles at DEC
NASHUA, N.H. (UPI) -- Digital Equipment Corp., the world's second
largest computer maker, began the fiscal year with a massive round of
layoffs, this time including software engineers from its Spitbrook
Road, Nashua facility. "After two disappointing quarters and rising
expenses, it was necessary to cut back in a number of areas, including
engineering. This is the first time we've found it necessary to cut
into software engineering. Roughly 300 people in the Spitbrook Road
facility were affected", according to a company spokesperson.
Immediately following the layoff announcement at Digital's Nashua
site, an unexpected turmoil erupted. It is estimated that 300 or more
enraged software engineers left the facility and began reeking havoc
in the nearby downtown area. Gangs of nerds first started accosting
people on the streets, tearing off their glasses and stomping on them,
and even stabbing them with their pencils. Other nerds, feeding off
the frenzy of the moment, began smashing the windows at Radio Shack
and looting calculators, scanners, CB radios, and miscellaneous
electronic equipment, throwing it at passing cars and pedestrians.
Suddenly, a passing truck driver was dragged from his vehicle and
nearly beaten to death with pocket protectors. "I've never seen
anything like it. It looked like 'Escape From the Island of Dr.
Morreau.' I couldn't even tell the men from the women", said one
Nashua police officer. With traffic on Nashua's Daniel Webster Highway
at a standstill, herds of nerds weaved among the vehicles, picking
their noses and smearing snot on the windshields.
Several hours after the start of the mayhem, huge piles of computer
listings and VMS manuals were still burning out of control in the
downtown area. Police have had some success luring engineers into
awaiting paddywagons using Peking Raviolis as bait. However, at this
time the violence appears to be spreading into neighboring, affluent
Hollis, where a path of overturned Volvos and Saabs can be seen from
the air.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Oct 92 2:16:21 PDT
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Subject: Weird Movie Renaming (fwd)
To: eniac
Forwarded message:
From: Scott Mackie <smackie@cisco.com>
I came across an article in this month's Empire magazine (it covers film
releases in the UK) describing some of the name's and dialogue used when
converting American films for the European markets.
For example -
United States "White Men Can't Jump"
When released in Europe, the title became
Austria "White Men Can't Get It Up"
Denmark "White Men Can't Hop"
Finland "White Men Can't Pump"
Germany "White Men Can't Get It Up"
Greece "White Men CAn't Jump High"
Hungary "Jump On It"
Italy "White Men Can't Do It Well"
Norway "White Men Can't Make It"
Portugal "White Man Is Incapable"
Spain "White Men Don't Know How To Put It In"
Sweden "White Men Can't Dunk"
Switzerland "White Guys Can't Get It Up"
Egypt "Women Prefer Browns"
Or even better, translating Wayne's World was a nightmare (obviously) -
As in
United States "Party On!"
France "Dying Of Laughter!"
Italy "Enjoy Yourself Strongly!"
or
United States "Extreme Close-up!"
Germany "Full On The Dental Work!"
Spain "Gratuitous Zoom!"
or, finally,
United States "I Think I'm Gonna Hurl!"
France "It's The Time To Vomit!"
Germany "I Think I Must Upchuck!"
Italy "I Want To Throw Up Everything!"
Spain "I'm Starting To Feel I Am Going To Vomit!"
Oh *Dear*...
Scott...
------------------------------
From: greg@phoenix (greg Nowak)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Since there is such great interest in the upcoming election,
and since not all of you may be blessed with easy access to a sample
ballot, and since I always feel that if I studied the weirdo
candidates column as much as I wanted to I would be taking up too much
voting-booth time, I thought I might share with you the list of names
present on my write-in ballot. There are four columns: the first
reads "Presidential Electors for (Vote for One)", then Democratic,
Republican, and "Nomination by Petition". First observation of
interest: The Demos get that little edge that comes from being in the
first column. (NB: This is a Mercer County, NJ absentee ballot. I
assume the choice of column order is made at a national level, and is
the same for absentee voters. Any flames of this article will receive
a response which includes my take on the gripes of foreign-resident
absentee voters.)
Second interesting observation: A certain informality has been
permitted in the use of nicknames, as you will see. All names are in
small caps, except the particles (one "La" and one "De" on the ballot)
from which I'll spare your eyes.
Dem: Bill Clinton and Al Gore [NB: no distiction of office besides the
order of the names]
Rep: George Bush and Dan Quayle [my guess is "H.W." and "J. Danforth"
got the best of the nickname decision]
And now the petitions:
Ron Daniels/Independent: Ron Daniels and Asiba Turpahache
New Alliance Party: Lenora B. Fulani and Maria Elizabeth Munoz
Taxpayers Party: Howard Phillips and Albion Knight
Workers League: Helen Halyard and Fred Mazelis
Independent: H. Ross Perot and James Bond Stockdale
"6 Million Jobs": Lyndon H. LaRouche, Jr. and Elliot I. Greenspan
Libertarian Party: Andre Marrou and Nancy Lord
Socialist Workers Party: James Warren and Estelle DeBates
Natural Law Party: John Hagelin and Mike Tompkins
America First Populist: James "Bo" Gritz and Cy Minnet
Independent: Drew Bradford [No VP listed]
In the HR election, there's Frank G. Abate for the Dems and
Dick Zimmer for the Reps, as well as Carl Peters for the Libertarians
and Compton C. Pakenham for the America First Populist slot. There are
also two candidates listed merely as Independent for the HR spot:
Edward F. Eggert and Carl J. Mayer. Does anyone know if either of
these two independents are affiliated with Perot or Bradford?
Note also that LaRouche's party affiliation is exactly as it appears
on the ballot, "'s and all. Same with Bo Gritz. A few old favorites
who appear to have given up: Gus Hall and Harold Stassen. Anybody have
any information on any of the fringe candidates other than Gritz?
Oh yeah, just to forestall the obvious:
Never mind that, do they stand up ...
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End of Yucks Digest
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