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Yucks Digest V2 #51 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Wed, 7 Oct 92 Volume 2 : Issue 51
Today's Topics:
"Jehovah" TRIBE OF SPACE CANNIBALS
Biker joke.
boston bridges
computer files
Craig Shergold
Dave Barry on the Conversion to Metric:
Do as I say, not...
Doctor Comments on Shrinking Bush Penis
From the Federal Register
further signs of the coming apocalypse
in response to....
Insurance risks for fraternities
my respect for Penn Jillette just increased a hundredfold
Net Malapropisms
Nose
NOTW (4 msgs)
NOTW, 27 June 1992
Re: TIME to die
Yokohama tires
you can't make these things up
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 30 Sep 92 01:08:56 GMT
From: mcelwre@cnsvax.uwec.edu
Subject: "Jehovah" TRIBE OF SPACE CANNIBALS
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
CONTRADICTIONS about God
Christians should all HONESTLY and thoroughly
investigate the CONTRADICTIONS between the Old and New
Testaments in terms of their descriptions of God.
The God of the New Testament is described as a God of
LOVE, MERCY, and PEACE.
The god of the Old Testament is described as a JEALOUS,
VENGEFUL god, a WAR-MONGER. He said "Thou shalt not kill",
and then proceeded to help the Israelites to kill TENS OF
THOUSANDS of Arabs in order to take their land. [And the
zionist PIG$ from Israel are still doing it today!]
Can the two Testaments POSSIBLY be talking about the
same thing?!
The "god" of the Old Testament was actually a TRIBE OF
RENEGADE SPACE CANNIBALS, with a leader named "Yahweh", who
was the commander of a UFO SPACECRAFT ("pillar of fire",
"pillar of cloud", etc.), and a GENETICIST who CLONED Adam
and Eve FROM HIMSELF and put them on this planet which was
ALREADY INHABITED at that time. And the "first born sons" of
the Israelites became ROAST DINNER for the "JehovahS".
All of this may sound UN-believable to most Christians.
But try reading the Old Testament with these things in mind.
For example, read the part about one of the Old Testament
characters, Jacob, I think, WRESTLING WITH GOD, AND WINNING!
[ ALWAYS use the KING JAMES VERSION. Later versions are PER-
VERSIONS! ]
See also the book "THE LOST TRIBES FROM OUTER SPACE", by
Mark Dem (?).
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
Robert E. McElwaine
B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
[This guy posts some of the more ...thought-provoking... things on the
net these days. He seems especially concerned about space aliens. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: mage@teetot.acusd.edu (Jack Guntly)
Subject: Biker joke.
Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles
A biker and his chick were parked at the edge of a lot where they were
filming a scene for an upcoming movie. The director notices them and
decides this is the perfect opportunity to get some great action shots
for a fight scene. He discusses this prospect with the main actor, and
tells him to go over and insult the biker's woman. Well, the actor is
kinda buff and has an oversized ego, so he agrees to this.
He walks over to the couple and asks the biker, "Is that your chick?"
To which the biker replies, "Sure is." So the actor says, "Well, she's
the ugliest bitch I've ever seen." The biker turns to his woman and
says, "I told you."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 3 Oct 92 12:17:43 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: boston bridges
To: yucks
>From: blamb@hri.com (Bill Lambert)
>Newsgroups: ne.general
>Subject: Re: Boston Bridges (was Re: Ft. Devens Airport)
The Callahan Tunnel was opened in the mid-60's, I believe.
Can you imagine a world where the two lanes of the Sumner
Tunnel were the permanent (not only midnight) way to
traverse the harbor?
The Tobin Bridge was not always the Tobin Bridge. It used
to be called the "Mystic River Bridge" - a much nicer name
since it's obvious why we might need a bridge to cross the
Mystic River, but not so obvious why we need a bridge to
cross Maurice Tobin. Some old-timers may slip and revert to
the old name.
I think they should rename it the "Charles Stuart" bridge,
after the person who invented the sport of cordless bungee
jumping.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 92 12:47:29 PDT
From: landman%xpoint@uunet.UU.NET (Howard Landman)
Subject: computer files
To: eniac
>I notice that lots of things
>get filed. Isn't this kind of abrasion going to lead to data loss?
>Wouldn't sanding be a `kinder, gentler' way to stow it?
Dear Litow,
In Germany, many companies have an apprenticeship program in which the new
apprentice spends a year or more doing nothing but filing. They beleive that
this is the only way for people to really get a feel for the shaping of data.
Actually, they may do some drilling and routing as well after a few months,
but the basic point is that there is no substitute for this kind of tactile
experience with live information. Later, when they are allowed to program,
they will have a gut feel for how manipulate it in the most effective manner.
Sanding is not used nearly as often, principally due to lower performance and
the difficulty of making truly straight cuts. There's no point teaching people
stuff that they're never going to use.
I hope this clears up any confusion you might have had,
------------------------------
Date: 3 Oct 92 23:30:02 GMT
From: bscott@isis.cs.du.edu (Ben Scott)
Subject: Craig Shergold
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This just in - FCC official Craig Shergold has announced new regulations
to add a fee to phone lines used for telecommunication, including bulletin
boards and public network services. Critics say he is still bitter from
a childhood experience during which he was buried underneath several tons
of get-well cards, largely due to the well-meaning efforts of computer
users all over the world, and this has sparked his current crackdown.
Everyone reading this message would be affected by a tax on modem lines!
It's vital that we make ourselves heard, and stop this FCC ruling.
Please, forward this message to as many bulletin boards and services
as you can, and encourage everyone you know to sign petitions against this
plan. Send them to Mr. Shergold at the FCC in Washington, DC.
(United Wire Services, July 2002)
------------------------------
From: ddgarcia@allspice.Berkeley.EDU
Subject: Dave Barry on the Conversion to Metric:
Many moons ago (in metric, 14.6 megamoons) you may recall that we were
all supposed to covert to the metric system from our current system of
measurement, which is technically known as the "correct" or "real" system.
The metric conversion was supposed to result in major economic benefits
deriving from the fact that you, the consumer, would suddenly have no
idea how the hell much anything cost. Take cole slaw. Under the current
system, cole slaw is sold in easily understood units of measurement called
"container," as in "Gimme one of them containers of cole slaw if it's
fresh." In a metric supermarket, however, the deli person would say,
"How much do you want? A kilometer? A hectare? Hurry up! My break
starts in five liters!" You'd get all confused and wind up buying enough
cole slaw to fill a wading pool, and the economy would prosper.
So the metric conversion was clearly a good idea, and when the government
started putting up metric highway signs (SPEED LIMIT 173 CENTIPEDES)
Americans warmly responded by shooting them down. Thus the metric system
did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing
popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
------------------------------
Date: 5 Oct 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: voros@physics.monash.edu.au
Subject: Do as I say, not...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I found this in a book of quotes from people in the Film Industry.
``It is up to us to produce better-quality movies.''
- Lloyd Kaufman, producer of ``Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator.''
------------------------------
Date: 06 Oct 92 02:20:55 GMT
From: doug@ramona.com (Double Agent)
Subject: Doctor Comments on Shrinking Bush Penis
Newsgroups: alt.politics.elections,talk.politics.misc,sci.med,talk.bizarre
Washington, DC (AP) - Dr. James Gilroy, personal physician to President
George Bush, denied today that there was anything unusual about Bush's
apparently shrinking penis. Bush's penis was measured at 33 millimeters
long, down from its greatest known length of 90 millimeters, recorded just
after Bush's 1991 State of the Union address. According to Gilroy, "Penis
length is continuously variable--particularly with differing states of
sexual arousal--and shouldn't be taken as an indication of a pathological
condition."
------------------------------
Date: 2 Oct 92 08:30:03 GMT
From: frank@rover.bsd.uchicago.edu (FRANK BORGER)
Subject: From the Federal Register
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Excerpts from the Federal Register as originally presented in the
American Association of Physicists in Medicine Newsletter.
17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #1
The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, in a Federal Register
notice denying a petition, stated "Detachment of any of the four wheels
adversely affects vehicle stability..."
17 January 1992, Bureaucratic Grasp of the Situation Profound Statement #2
A National Transportation Safety Board official, investigating a lost engine
incident involving a Boeing 737, which is designed to safely shed a mal-
functioning engine, stated "But we do know that this engine was not designed
to fall off under normal circumstances."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 92 16:02:38 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@berry.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: further signs of the coming apocalypse
To: yucks
>Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
>From: greg@phoenix (greg Nowak)
>Subject: Re: KENTUCKY SODOMY BAN KELD UNCONSTITUTIONAL
>Organization: Baguette Research Systems Inc.
>Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 11:32:37 GMT
In article <9209270602.AA18544@quaestor>, carasso@inference (C A R A S S O) writes:
}
}Frankfort, Ky, Sept. 25 (AP) -- The Kentucky Supreme
}Court struck down the state's anti-sodomy law on
}Thursday, ruling that privacy rights should apply to
}homosexuals.
} --New York Times National Section Saturday September 26, 1992
}
}The following information was provided for the benefit of the talk-
}bizarre oldbies, who I am quite certain will benefit from this ruling.
ROADTRIP!!! Quick, Catamites -- to the Buttmobile!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1992 07:44:36 PDT
From: "Jeff Angus" <jangus%skyld.UUCP@nosc.mil>
Subject: in response to....
To: "Gene Spafford" <spaf>
I couldn't resist. I saw that posting about Melanie advertisement.
There was a young lady from Yale.
Who advertized the price of her tail.
And for the sake of the blind,
Tatooed on her behind,
Was the same information in braile!
Sorry, but I feel much better now.....
------------------------------
Date: 2 Oct 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: ejhupper@rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu (Eric Huppertz)
Subject: Insurance risks for fraternities
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seen in the Daily Vidette, Illinois State University's student
newspaper, in the "Tidbit" box:
In a survey of Florida insurance commissioners in the mid 1980's, the
commisioners ranked fraternities as the sixth worst insurance risk in
the country. The fifth was nuclear waste.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 92 20:29:01 PDT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: my respect for Penn Jillette just increased a hundredfold
To: eniac
The following is excerpted from "Turning Heads In PC Circles," the
San Francisco Chronicle, October 6, 1992. (The article, reprinted
from the Wall Street Journal, is about the widespread use of "smileys"
on computer networks.)
There are computer users whose faces wrinkle with distaste at the whole
smiley phenomenon.
"I cringe when I see them," says the movie critic Roger Ebert, a habitue
of CompuServe, interviewed via e-mail. On the other hand, he adds,
"Smileys might be a real help for today's students, raised on TV and
unskilled at spotting irony without a laugh track."
An even fiercer anti-smiley is the comedian/magician Penn Jillette,
who runs a computer bulletin board with his partner Teller and writes
the "Micro Mephisto" column in PC Computing magazine. His scornful
verdist: "As soon as you put one in you've killed the joke." In a
recent column, he described the smiley as "the hateful :) which means
'just kidding' and is used by people who would dot their i's with little
circles and should have their eyes dotted with Drano."
Amen.
------------------------------
From: guest@splat.hf.intel.com (subnet guest)
Subject: Net Malapropisms
A fellow 'net junkie and I collect examples of malapropism, humorous
misspelling and general cluelessness from actual postings to the net.
These are phrases that are heard often in conversation, but when they
appear in print, it becomes clear that the user didn't quite get it.
We share them here for the benefit of all the would-be Norm Crosbys out
there.
for all intensive purposes
since time in memorial
it's a doggy-dog world
a set of chester drawers
an old wise tale
a seize-fire
an escape goat
too one-track mined
a new, clear war
under-line meaning
a mute point
low and behold
don't take a fence
has a stigmatism
just my too cents worth
all for not
statue of limitations
a partial of land
a social conscious
willfully inadequate
I'm uphauled
increases expidentially
a sledge and reindeer
supposably
------------------------------
From: bassanin@odie.ee.wits.ac.za (Angelo Bassanino)
Subject: Nose
Newsgroups: rec.humor
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalogue.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 29 May 92 11:31:02 PDT
From: wisner@abulafia.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: tanstaafl@colossus.apple.com, eniac
The Wilmington (Delaware) News Journal reported that the IRS's reason for
failing to pay 97 tax refunds to Delaware residents is that they are "unable
to find" them. However, Alan Levin, son of one Wilmington woman on the list,
pointed out his mother's name in the Wilmington white pages. Said IRS
spokesperson Harriette M. Williams, the phone book had been used in the past
but "is not the most expeditious way of handling it."
--
White House chief of staff John Sununu so controlled President Bush's agenda,
said Newsweek, that Secretary of Health and Human Services Louis Sullivan had
to mail his proposal for a health-care initiative to Bush's post office box in
Kennebunkport.
--
In December, the Detroit News reported toxic contamination in the soil at a
local housing project, embarrassing Mayor Coleman Young, who had been
especially proud of the project.
Young then paid an environmental laboratory in Missouri to examine the contents
of a ground-up issue of the Detroit News. The lab found that the contents
exceeded the maximum safe levels set by the Environmental Protection Agency for
several substances.
Newspaper officials pointed out that humans don't ingest newspapers, but Young
replied that they don't ingest soil, either.
--
Last summer, local officials in Collinsville, Illinois discovered that the
Corner Deli was not in compliance with health codes because it had only one
bathroom for patrons, even though the restaurant seats only 18. Forced to
install a second one, owners Ed and Sandy Dawdy put a portable toilet in their
front window.
--
In Bloomfield, New Mexico, in April, Laura Thorpe, 39, who said she was
frustrated dealing with physicians about her breast implants, removed them by
herself, using a disposable razor on one breast and squeezing until most of
the silicone gel came out. She then passed out but came to several hours later
and completed the same procedure on the other breast. The next day, a
physician removed the bags. Thorpe said her regular doctor told her she had
done a good job.
--
In August 1990, police offier Loronzo Jones arrested Thomas Heath Evans in
Detroit on armed robbery charges after exchanging gunshots with him. Later,
Jones was laid off the police force, and Evans, released pending trial,
allegedly shot up a crack house and jumped bail. A year later, Jones, visiting
friends in Tallahassee, Florida, 800 miles from Detroit, wandered into a
nightclub, where he encountered Evans and alerted local police. Said Evans'
attorney, "The boy ain't got no luck."
--
In January, as New York bus and subway fares rose and municipal budget cuts
went into effect, the Transit Authority approved a $50,000 contract for
consultant George Kelling to study the relationship between subway station
managers and the police officers assigned to the stations.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 92 20:04:11 PDT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
Researchers from Central Washington University concluded recently
that wild salmon are simply smarter than hatchery salmon, which are
routinely caught for food. Hatchery salmon tend to swim near the
surface, swim in packs, try to fight currents, and sometimes swim
with their fins out of water; wild salmon are much more furtive.
And scientists at the Texas Department of Parks and Wildlife and at
work developing a strain of stupid bass that will strike a lure
with abandon.
--
Blaine Johnson, 22, who accidentally blew off his right hand while
fooling with the gunpowder from small rockets in Mat-su-Borough [sic],
Alaska: "It was just something to do. We don't have TV. When
you live in the woods, you blow stuff up."
[Editorial comment: Huzzah! But that should read "in the Mat-su
Borough of Alaska." Boroughs are the closest Alaska has to counties.]
--
Three times recently, police offers have not been able to prevent
prisoners whose hands were cuffed behind them from commandeering squad
cars and escaping. (One prisoner steered the car using his shoulers
and chin.) Michael Ray Jaquith escaped in Portland, Ore., in May;
Evan Fontes escapes in San Diego in July; and Barry Dean Parnell
escaped in Louisville in July.
--
Two Czechoslovakian scientists, writing in the August Journal of
Addiction, reported on three patients addicted to carrots. The
three had eaten so many carrots that their skins turned orange,
and when they were eprived of carrots, they experienced withdrawal
symptoms.
[I think I'll stick with Altoids and those wonderful ultra-sour
Japanese lemon candies, thanks.]
--
In Tempe, Ariz., a comedian with the stage name "Joe Michaels" died
of a heart aneurysm during a June performance. He was emceeing a
version of "The Dating Game" at Rowdy's Bar when he collapsed and
fell off the stage. According to the employee who rushed to help him,
Michaels' mumbled last words were, "Bachelor No. 1."
--
TV evangelist Robert Tilton, weary of having lawsuits filed against him
by former followers who claimed to have paid him to revive dead
relatives: "If you want to get mad at somebody, get mad at God;
don't sue me."
--
Dexter Manley, who retired from the National Football League after
failing his fourth drug test and who now plays in Canada, told reporters
in July that he talks personally to Mackenzie King, the deceased Canadian
prime minister. "I'm sincere. Whether people believe me or not, my
vision is real to me. I tell you I talked to (King). We talked about
thunder and lightning."
--
Polish photojournalist Czarek Sokolowski, proclaiming his joy at the
opening of the first McDonald's restaurant in Warsaw in June: "I've
been waiting for this day for 35 years. This is what we were fighting
for."
--
A topless woman, interviewed by the New York Times while taking
advantage of a state court of appeals ruling permitting non-lews,
non-commercial toplessness, said she thought the ruling would not
have much impact: "There are a lot of things not conducive to being
topless. You can't run topless, you can't barbecue topless, you
can't fry fish."
--
Scientists at Lawrence Livermore laboratory recently produced "sea gel,"
an edible paper-like substance that is lighter than air and is made from
seaweed.
--
Volleyball player Wu Dan of China was barred from the Olympics in
August after testing positive for strychnine. Said an Olympics
medical spokesperson, "She said she took it as a tonic because she
felt tired."
--
Inmate Jesse Loden, 48, files a lawsuit in federal court in August
against the Illinois Department of Corrections, charging it with
stifling his religious freedom by not allowing him to order books
on voodoo and worship in the nude.
--
An April issue of the Gaston, N.C., Gazette, featuring local "People
Who Made It" (artists, teachers, business leaders, athletes, etc.),
included Virgil Griffin for his prominence in the state Ku Klux Klan.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 92 16:44:08 GMT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
Jail officials in Winnipeg, Canada, turned down inmate James Skinner's request
in July to keep a Funk and Wagnall's Canadian College Dictionary in his cell,
saying that a book that large could be used as a weapon. Said Skinner, "I can
have as many dirty books as I want, but I can't have a dictionary."
--
A 16-year-old Freetown, Mass., boy was arrested in July after attempting to
rob the Town Line General Store and being wrestled to the ground by the 60-
year-old clerk. According to the local Taunton Daily Gazette, the boy "pointed
his index finger at the clerk, and said, 'This is a stickup.' The clerk asked,
'Is this a joke?' and the boy looked down and said, 'Oops.' The boy left and
returned minutes later with a revolver."
--
The U.S. Army reported in July that twice in the past seven months at Fort
Campbell, Ky., people had broken into warehouses and stolen almost 1,500 of the
much-maligned "Meals Ready to Eat" rations.
--
The mother of a 27-year-old man found hacked to death on the grounds of a
Toronto mental hospital is suing the Ontario Ministry of Health for permitting
a patient the opportunity to commit the murder.
The patient charged is David Krueger, 52. Krueger murdered three children 35
years ago and had been hospitalized ever since until he was given a brief pass
last year, during which time police say he committed the murder.
Krueger's given name was Woodstock, but he had it legally changed several
years ago in honor of Freddy Krueger of the "Nightmare on Elm Street" series.
--
In May, Dr. Charles G. Moertel of the Mayo Clinic called "unconscionable" what
he found from a study of the use of the drug levamisole, the first effective
medicine for colon cancer. According to Moertel, Johnson & Johnson, which
developed the drug in the 1960s, charges $1,495 for the amount needed to treat
a person for a year, while American Cyanamid, which purchased the veterinary
rights to the medicine from Johnson & Johnson, charges $14.95 for the amount
needed to treat a sheep with worms for a year.
--
Titus Howard, 37, was charged with stabbing a fellow rooming-house resident,
Ronnie Jackson, to death in Atlanta in July after a quarrel over the grits
served at breakfast.
--
Prosecutors in Chicago decided in July to put a certain bank employee on the
stand to identify an accused robber, despite the fact that, in a lineup, she
had picked out the FBI agent standing next to the accused. This time, when the
employee took the stand and was asked to point out the alleged perpetraor, she
looked right past him and picked out Chicago Tribune reporter Matt O'Connor,
covering the trial from the first row.
--
Edward Amezquita, 31, died of smoke inhalation in a fire in his girlfriend's
house in Norfolk, Va., in July because he slept through her attempts to wake
him. She said he awoke just enough to tell her to leave him alone.
--
The Equitable life insurance company recent printed 2.5 million copies of a
349-page document intended to help its policyholders decide whether to hold a
public sale of Equitable stock. Stacked on top of each other, the documents
would be nearly 20 miles high, beating by about 200 feet AT&T's 1983 printing
order explaining its divestiture to its shareholders.
--
Twice within five weeks this summer near Miami, drug runners in small planes
were forced to jettison their entire cargo. More than $21 million worth of
cocaine fell from the sky in bales in suburban areas but was recovered by law
enforcement agencies.
--
Kein Ray Goodrie, 29, was arrested in May after escaping from a Bismarck, N.D.,
prison seven days earlier. Goodrie was found hiding out in the woods near
Duluth, Minn., by sheriff's deputy James Peterson, who had gone into the woods
seeking a fawn reportedly wounded by a passing motorist.
--
In August, sheriff's detectives in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused Orrette
Moore, 39, of killing two men and wounding two others in a restaurant because
he had just lost $5 in a card game.
--
U.S. Department of Agriculture scientists announced in June that pumping
cottage cheese whey onto sloping fields could cut soil erosion 65 percent to 75
percent. The scientists identified whey's milky stickiness as the
characteristic that made it effective, and noted that other whey attributes
replenish nutrients in the soil.
--
Among the pricing abuses that came to light as a result of the July settlement
of a lawsuit against American Medical International hospitals in Florida were:
$54.30 for a sponge and $7.80 for an antiseptic swab. In a separate dispute,
a Humana hospital in St. Petersburg agreed to lower some of the prices it was
charging, including $50 each for Advil and Tylenol tablets.
--
Local Detroit legislator Gil DeNello proposed a ban recently of the Super
Soaker water gun but refused to back down on his opposition to control of real
guns. DeNello told the Detroit News, "Real guns are intended to kill. (The
Super Soaker) is intended as a toy."
--
Gary Blantz, 29, was arrested for kidnapping a bar owner near Lancaster, Pa.,
in February. Police reported later that Blantz shot himself in the foot with
his .45-caliber revolver to show the victim what would happen to him if he were
disobedient.
--
Kenner, La., police arrested Lavalle Williams, 20, in July and charged him with
robbing a convenience store, armed only with a can of Off! insect repellent,
which he sprayed into the face of the clerk before snatching $50 from the cash
register and fleeing.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 5 Oct 92 22:08:23 GMT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac
A New York Appeals court in January threw out the vestiges of a $13 million
judgment against the New York Transit Authority that arose when a homeless
man and his brother tumbled off a station platform and started running down
the track, where the homeless man was killed on the electrified "third rail."
Included in the original judgment was $9,000, awarded by the jury to relatives
of the homeless man for three years' lose income -- as a "squeegee" windshield
cleaner on a Brooklyn street corner.
--
A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., in May and charged
with auto and bicycle theft. It was hist 25th arrest since he turned 9.
--
The Palm Springs jail announced "a new public service" in July. Non-violent
offenders can make reservations to serve their jail time in a trainquil area
of the jail, out of the vicinity of traditional felons and miscreants, for a
fee of as little as $500, depending on the crime.
--
Margaret Holmes, 45, received a suspended sentence in June in Blountville,
Tenn., for intentionally setting fire to the apartment she shared with her
husband, knowing he was inside and would die. In fact, he was found dead
after the fire. However, she was not charged with murder because medical
evidence indicated that, at the time she started the fire, her husband had
just died of alcohol poisoning.
--
Auto mechanic Kenneth Arrowood filed a lawsuit for $2,613 in Cleveland against
his mother, citing her failure to compensate him for fixing her pickup truck.
Hazel Arrowood, 78, filed a countersuit, citing the uncompensated services she
provided him over the years as mother, cook, nurse, etc., and recommending
that the couty give Kenneth "the whipping he needs." (She won the lawsuit,
but the judge declined to spank Kenneth.)
--
Rev. Edward Mullen of the St. Edward Catholic Church in Providence, R.I., told
parishioners in July that because he believes the U.S. Supreme Court is too
strict on the separation of church and state, he would no longer permit any
government official to be prayed for in his church.
--
David Rodgers, 22, was charged with animal cruelty after a neighbor said
Rodgers had flushed his pet python down the toilet. The python survived, and
Rodgers staged a re-enactment in an Ottawa, Canada, courtroom in January.
Rodgers said he normally tries to keep the snake in warm water in the bathtub,
but that it prefers the toilet. In the courtroom re-enactment, the snake
quickly slithered to the toilet, and Rodgers was acquitted.
--
Copley News Service reported in June that California state Sen. Diane Watson
had hired a staff spiritualist, using campaign funds, to help her with problems
around the office. Watson denied that the woman was a spiritualist and told
the press, "I am not a weirdo."
--
Snake-handling expert Larry Moor died in July after being bitten by an Egyptian
cobra in Vancouver, B.C. He had staged classes and started an organization to
teach the public that they have nothing to fear from poisonous snakes. How-
ever, he had often said that only two snakes are really dangerous and that the
Egyptian cobra is one of them.
--
New Zealand scientists, studying tooth decay, built a 20-inch glass mouth to
observe how plaque grows when fed saliva and sugar, but later reported a draw-
back in the experiment: massive halitosis.
--
In Oakland, Md., in June, John F. Thanos, speaking during a hearing to deter-
mine whether he would get the death penalty for the murder of two teenage boys,
told the judge he still had the desire to "dig these brats' bones out of their
graves right now and beat them into powder and urinate on them and then stir it
into a mercury yellowish elixir and serve it up to their loved ones."
--
In June, a woman described only as in her 40s, spent five hours off and on
shopping at a Des Moines, Iowa, convenience store buying scratch-off lottery
tickets, stopping only when her paycheck of $60 had been exhausted with just
one winner. A few minutes later, she returned to the store and robbed it.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 27 Jun 92 20:01:42 GMT
From: Bill.Wisner@EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW, 27 June 1992
To: notw@abulafia.EBay.Sun.COM
Donna Clark, 26, and Paul Keamer, 31, faced charges in Merchantville,
N.J., in April when Clark allegedly grabbed $216 worth of film and
walked out of a drugstore. The couple's names were provided by their
6-year-old son, who was in the store at the time but who was forgotten
by the couple as they made their getaway.
--
An 81-year-old woman died of severe burns in Columbia, Mo., after a
15-mile ambulance ride to the hospital took too long. The hospital's
emergency helicopter was on a public relations assignment, one crew
member dressed as Santa Claus.
--
A 37-year-old Minneapolis man, unnamed in news reports, was charged with
indecent exposure in May for several incidents, culminating with a car
chase that caused several collisions. After stopping the runaway car,
police found the man naked from the waist down and with four $1 bills
attached to his penis. Police said they had picked him up naked several
times before, except with higher-denomination bills attached.
--
In March, a judge dismissed James Blakeley's lawsuit against the Detroit
News and the Detroit Free Press. Blakeley had sued for $9 million,
claiming that the newspapers' horoscope columns caused him "an enormous
amount of problems."
--
In November, a circuit court judge in Selma, Ala. -- rejecting decisions
by city and state unemployment compensation boards -- awarded $2,000 in
back pay to former sewer worker William Perry. Perry had been fired
because his waist had grown to 40 inches, preventing him from fitting
through the 23-inch manhole, rendering him useless at his trade. The
judge said that wasn't a good enough reason to fire him.
--
Four New York City police officers, defendants in a $5 million police
brutality lawsuit that claims they beat up a 12-year-old epilectic boy,
filed a $1 million counter-suit in December, claiming it was actually
the boy who brutalized them, leaving them "sick, sore, lame and disabled."
--
Rochelle Rutherford filed a lawsuit recently against the local school
district, near Minneapolis, because her son, 9, lately prefers to wear
girls' clothes. The boy at one time had been forced to use the girls'
restroom at school because of a shortage of facilities and had been
required to wear girls' clothing during recreation activities because of
a shortage of boys' clothing.
--
A 40-year-old man, unidentified in news stories, was arrested in San
Antonio in April after he caused a commotion at a Bank One office.
According to a bank official, when the man was informed that his loan
application was not approved, the man stripped off his clothes and
quacked like a duck. When police arrived, the man answered questions
by quacking and then caused $1,000 damage to a squad car by kicking it.
--
John Hurst, taken to a mental health center after he was discovered
propping a ladder up the the second floor of the Kennedy family estate
in Palm Beach last August, said: "I'm looking for my wife. I think she
may be up there."
--
The Iowa Employment Appeal Board ruled in April that a former security
guard was qualified for unemployment benefits even though he was fired.
Kay Stone, 55, was a night guard at a convenience store until a fight
broke out one night, whereupon he ran and hid in a walk-in cooler. Ruled
the board, "Incompetence in a position is not (a disqualificater)."
------------------------------
To: (a mailing list)
Subject: Re: TIME to die (was Re: Hop Limit field in SIP)
Date: Wed, 07 Oct 92 10:49:37 -0500
From: Christian Huitema <Christian.Huitema@sophia.inria.fr>
>Requires NTP in all routers. I actually don't see this as a very
>big negative because it isn't that expensive and coordinated time
>would be very nice to have.
Just one tiny side effect. You can only achieve time synchronization between
two objects if they are not mobile, or more precisely if their relative
speed is constant. So said Einstein.
Indeed, the effect is dependant of the relative speeds, or rather the
relative acceleration. But anything that moves at large speeds (fractions of
speed of light) under curved trajectories cannot be time synchronized, full
point. This means that you cannot achieve high precision time synch between
earth and a satellite, although you can do some predictions due to orbit
periodicity. A spacecraft to the Moon, or to Mars, would have both a high
speed curved trajectory and no periodic orbit. NTP would simply not work
here without some very serious kludges.
For this reason, I vote AGAINST requiring time synch at the IP level.
[For those occasions when your IP router accelerates near the speed of
light... --spaf]
------------------------------
From: desousa@cisco.com
Subject: Yokohama tires
Yokohoma Rubber Company of Tokyo is planning to recall a line of
its automobile tires after receiving protests from Islamic groups
(Washington Post, 7-25-92). Apparently, upon close observation,
the tread pattern of the tires resembles the Arabic word for
Allah. A company spokesman said they plan to stop producing the
tires and will recall or replace them free of charge in Islamic
countries. He also apologized for the company's ignorance of
Islam and said the treads "were designed by computer to maximize
driving safety and were not meant to blaspheme Allah."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 92 8:08:37 CDT
Subject: you can't make these things up
To: eniac
Jamie Andrews wrote:
# I am curious if any of you out there know of any other flicks with scenes
# of people wearing clear plastic.
Twin Peaks. ;-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 06 Oct 92 13:49:44 EST
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
To: eniac
Here is my candidate for most obvious conclusion of the month.
This was entirely unsolicited mail. I have no idea why I got it.
------- Forwarded Message
From: rm_pears@chef.uwe-bristol.ac.uk (RM Pearse)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Re: What is Usenet?
Date: Tue, 06 Oct 92 16:59:47 +0100
I would like to say that Usenet is a very strange utility type thing.
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------