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Yucks Digest V2 #47 (various items)
Yucks Digest Fri, 18 Sep 92 Volume 2 : Issue 47
Today's Topics:
Billy-Ray Cyrus
FAA - Believe it or not
fear of flying
Heisenberg
Help Desk frustrations.
Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony to be held at MIT
interesting moments in Daytime Television
Irish Erotic Art
is it real or is it art
life w/ spiders
NOTW (2 msgs)
QOTD from the Austin paper
realistic baby dolls
signature of the week...
Stay Tuned!
Supreme Master Ching Hai's book Part I
Supreme Master Ching Hai's book Part II
Welcome!! (3 msgs)
What is ia a time?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 4 Sep 92 09:05:23 GMT
From: tim@crash.canon.co.uk
Subject: Billy-Ray Cyrus
Newsgroups: talk.rumors,rec.music.country.western
In talk.rumors, exusag@exu.ericsson.se (Serena Gilbert,cs,x0364) asks:
|Is it true about him being gay?
no. country and wester singers *have* to wear hats like that. it's
written into their contract.
Tx. [achey breaky f finger]
------------------------------
Date: 15 Sep 92 20:24:56 GMT
From: ted@swrinde.nde.swri.edu (Ted Mueller)
Subject: FAA - Believe it or not
Newsgroups: rec.aviation
Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991
(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the
foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from
one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)
---
Perils of Road Testing No. 23
Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed
road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the
size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was
required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the
National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official
FAA report.
"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test complex,
staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst
quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual
Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead,
eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a
particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its
take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power
climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a
collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the
right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the
bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily
immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later
examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy-
absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.
"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing
power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial
height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There
was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not
filed a flight plan.
"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"
------------------------------
Date: 8 Sep 92 08:30:03 GMT
From: als@bohra.cpg.oz.au (Anthony Shipman)
Subject: fear of flying
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The airline business has always had a rich sense of humour, and one
purportedly true story doing the rounds at the moment upholds the
tradition. It concerns a stormy flight aboard a Boeing aircraft; an
off-duty airline stewardess is sitting next to a man in the grip of
serious white-knuckle fever as he watches, through his porthole, the
aircraft's wing bending and bouncing in the tempest.
The stewardess tries to reassure him; she works in the industry and
flies all the time, she tells him. There is nothing to worry about;
the pilots have everything under control. "Madam," he replies, "I am a
Boeing engineer and we did not design this aircraft to do what it is
doing."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 92 13:59:43 CDT
From: petonic@hal.com (Michael A. Petonic)
Subject: Heisenberg
To: spaf (Yucks)
Did anyone else find the recent situation with the German physicist
Heisenberg to be funny? It seems that it isn't clear whether he
actually intended (helped) the Germans to fail in building an A-Bomb
or whether he was actually a bumbling idiot.
Not even the NYTimes had fun with the obvious headlines:
"Uncertainty About Heisenberg Continues."
"A Hero or an Oaf? Or somewhere in-between?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 92 11:35:47 MDT
From: Dave Grisham <dave@lacerta.unm.edu>
Subject: Help Desk frustrations.
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Yep! It really happenned:
At the Help Desk, someone left one of those slightly vague questions
for us with even a more slightly vague name, simply "Dick." When we called
back, of course, we got no answer. So one of the consultants calls back over
and over for the rest of her shift, and still no answer.
Being resourceful, she decides to look up the number on the online database
and it beeped back at her that the number was registered to the dept. of psych,
but to no one person in particular. Being persistant to respond to this client's
request, she then calls the administrative assistant to find out who the phone
number belongs to.
Since the assistant didn't know, our consultant explains the whole situation
and ends asking if there was anyone named Dick who might be having a computer
problem in the dept. Unfortunately, the poor assistant didn't have a clue and
the consultant was reaching the end of her patience with this one.
The consultant asked loudly: "So how many Dick's are there in
the Psychology department, anyway?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 92 13:10:41 EDT
From: Lar Kaufman <lark@hicomb.hi.com>
Subject: Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony to be held at MIT
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Second 1st Annual Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony to be Held at MIT
===========================================================
The MIT Museum and The Journal of Irreproducible Results announces that
this year's Ig Nobel Prize ceremony will occur on the evening of Thursday,
October 1, at MIT. A spoof on the Nobel Prizes, the Ig Nobel Prizes recognize
men and women whose achievements cannot or should not be reproduced.
Amid mock pomp and circumstance, the 1992 IgNobel Prizes will be handed
out by genuine Nobel Laureates from MIT, Harvard and other institutions.
Laureates participating in last year's ceremony included Sheldon Glashow
of Harvard (Physics, 1979), Jerome Friedman of MIT (Physics, 1990), Henry
Kendall of MIT (Physics, 1990), Dudley Hershbach of Harvard (Chemistry,
1986), and Eric Chivian of MIT (Peace, 1985). This year's Ig Nobel
ceremony will be graced by the presence of Laureates from a wide range
of institutions. International jazz harpist Deborah Henson-Conant and
other musicians of note will perform at the ceremony.
The Ig Nobel Prizes are a legacy from the estate of the legendary
Ignatius ("Ig") Nobel, mythical inventor of soda pop. Ig Nobel believed
himself to be a relative of Alfred Nobel, who invented dynamite and later
endowed the prestigious prizes that bear his name. Ig Nobel prizes are
awarded for irreproducible achievements in Physics, Chemistry, Medicine,
Literature, Peace, Economics, Education and other areas of human endeavor.
Last year's winners included: Edward Teller, father of the hydrogen bomb,
who won the Ig Nobel Peace Prize; Michael Milken, imprisoned father of
the junk bond, who won the Ig Nobel Economics Prize; Vice President Dan
Quayle, who won the Ig Nobel Education prize for demonstrating better
than anyone else the need for science education; and Chariots of the
Gods author Eric von Daniken, who won the Ig Nobel Literature Prize. The
identities of this year's Ig Nobel Prize winners are a closely guarded
secret not to be revealed before the ceremony.
The ceremony, which begins at 7 p.m., will take place at Kresge Auditorium
on the MIT campus. It is open to the general public on a first come, first
served basis. Absolutely no one will be admitted before 6:30 p.m. Lab coats
or other experimental attire is suggested but by no means required.
Members of the press should telephone (617) 253-4422 for press passes.
The Journal of Irreproducible Results (JIR) has been described as the
"Mad Magazine of the Stephen Hawking set." Written by scientists and
doctors from around the world, the Journal has stood for more than
35 years as "the publication of record for overly stimulating research
and ideas." In co-sponsoring this event, JIR is continuing a tradition
it began accidentally in the mid-1960's.
The MIT Museum cosponsors the Ig Nobel Prize ceremony in conjunction with
its ongoing programs related to humor at MIT.
To obtain further information, contact Kathleen Thurston at the MIT
Museum at (617) 253-4422 or Marc Abrahams, editor of The Journal of
Irreproducible Results, at (617) 491-4437.
------------------------------
From: SJOSEPHS@130.187.170.178 (STEVEN JOSEPHSON)
Subject: interesting moments in Daytime Television
As any of you who have been sick in bed and bored will attest, there are few
things in the world more tasteless or pathetic than watching people console
themselves that their boring lives are somehow a sign of virtue or taking a
bold stance against the formidable pro-childmolestation lobby on Oprah or
Donahue.
But sometimes there are some interesting moments.
Case in point. My friend Jennifer called me one day and said
that a mutual friend of ours had gotten tickets to be in the audience of Oprah
that day, and that we should tune in. This friend, lets call her Muffy, was
pretty excited. Muffy didn't have much of a life.
Muffy also called her family, who were also excited. Dad brought the
portable TV into his buisiness and his employees gathered round. Mom got her
bridge club to come early so they could watch together and maybe catch a
glimpse of their daughter.
Jen and I watched too. The subject for the day was pretty dull -
something about Christmas holliday depression. True to form, Oprah went
through the audience, seeking insipid testimonials, when there was Muffy. Do
you remember ever being depressed at Christmas, asks Oprah (I think she was in
one of her mega-tonnage stages at the time). Muffy looks pensive for a moment,
and then, as she later told us, "it just came out of my mouth".
What came out was, "The most depressing Chistmas I ever had was last
year when I caught my father committing adultery with his secretary".
This was news to Jen and I, but we thought it was pretty funny.
This was news to Muffy's mom. And her bridge club.
This was not exactly news to Muffy's dad, or his secretary who was
sitting beside him. The rest of the staff was surprised, but dad managed
to break the ice by having a mild heart attack and being carted away.
Oprah somehow missed the scent of pathos in this revelation and moved
on.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 92 22:41:49 PDT
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: Irish Erotic Art
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
[Someone typed this in from the book jacket. As I remember, the
pages of the book are all blank. --spaf]
IRISH EROTIC ART
When you care enough
to give the very least...!
by Seamus O'Gallagher McGuire Cork, PhD
Shortly before his untimely death, the great art critic, scholar and
racontuer, Seam O'Gallagher McGuire Cork, Phd, said: "Let's face it,
most erotic art is, well, dirty. But the long-hidden masterpieces
of Irish Erotic Art reflect a purity, nay a chastity, of style and
content unheard of in countries like Italy or France, if you get my
drift."
After years of diligent research and at no little risk to his person-
al safety, Cork compiled the definitive work on this most neglected
field of study. And now, following the overwhelming success of the
first edition of IRISH EROTIC ART, the estate of Dr Cork has updated
and revised his seminal work, faithfully maintaining the spirit of
the original edition in which Dr Cork took great pains to produce a
splendid and historically instructive volume that was titillating yet
inoffensive to readers of all ages, sexes and religious persuasions.
Scheduled to be included (as this rich treasury goes to press) is the
famous "Passion of St Bridget" as well as such little-known or pre-
viously undiscovered masterpieces as "The Peat Gatherer's Honeymoon,"
"Molly's Bloomers," "Behind the Lace Curtains," and "The Bombed Bor-
dello." Those looking for cheap thrills of the so-called art so re-
cently excerpted in Playboy, such as "First it Turned Orange and Now
It's Green, Begorra," or "Hennessey's Lament," or "The Furred Frond"
are sure to be disappointed. And they should be, the perverts.
No, every work presented in this sensitive yet evocative volume --
even including the recently acclaimed triptych, "Contraception and
How it Causes Cancer" -- has been scrutinized by a Green Ribbon Panel
of religious leaders of all denominations worthy of the name, as well
as a hand-plucked group of prominent Hibernian laymen. Those works
deemed tasteless or suggestive or leading to the kinds of thoughts
that lead to sanity, death and you-know-what have been scrupulously
deleted and the offensive originals destroyed.
Now, lucky reader, turn to these pages and be inspired by that which
has for so long been hidden: IRISH EROTIC ART!
Dr Cork, who was tragically murdered only a few yards from the steps
of St Patrick's Cathedral in New York days before the final selections
for his masterpiece of scholarship were completed, was educated in
Dublin, where he was the recipient of the famous Guinness Fellowship.
He spent many of his last years in America, summering in Queens, New
York, with frequent winter vacations in Boston and Chicago. Despite
his untimely strangling, this volume will surely stand as fitting tri-
bute to his genius and daring.
St Martin's Press
175 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10010
============
The Critics Rave!
"Unlike Playboy or Penthouse, this work demands an imaginative reader.
And it won't cause you to go blind from eye strain or anything else."
-- Baton Rouge Advocate
"I enjoyed the dirty pictures. It's all in the mind, anyway."
-- Sean Donlon, Irish Ambassador
to the United States
"...the book is shocking, although perhaps not in the way anticipated.
And if you don't have time to buy it for your Irish friends as a St
Patrick's Day surprise, April 1 would be another suitable presentation
date."
-- New Orleans Time Picayune
"Dear St Martin's Press: We received the enclosed book which is de-
fective. The book as all blank pages. Please send us a perfect copy."
-- Free Public Library of Woodbridge
Woodbridge, New Jersey
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 92 11:59:02 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: is it real or is it art
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Lisa's story about SRI's Evil Green Beam reminds me of my
own favorite SRI story.
The TCP/IP protocol suite on which the Internet is founded was
designed to run over "lossy" networks, and one primary "lossy" network
is packet radio, on a battlefield, where not only messages, but entire
sites, can be "lost" but good.
That being so, SRI ran some packet radio experiments where they
went tootling around the Bay Area in an unmarked white van with a
really odd-looking radio antenna, taking field strength measurements
from a transmitter at SRI.
One time a highway patrolman saw this van oobling along the
freeway being odd. It would pull off at every exit, pause for a couple
of minutes, then pull back on and drive to the next exit. He pulled
the van over and asked the driver if he could look in the back. "Sure!"
the driver replied, and opened the back door to reveal two or three
guys in lab coats, and enough super-science equipment to give Roger
Corman the willies. He couldn't say anything for a while.
One of the whitecoats saw his consternation and remarked, "Don't
worry! We're working for the government!"
The patrolman recovered the power of speech: "OURS or THEIRS?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 92 23:04:29 -0400
From: "Marc Goodman" <goodman@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: life w/ spiders
>cwalker sez:
>I'm in two minds about how to establish just how much spider
>presence to tolerate in return for the mosquito-eating.
>These are quite dramatically ugly, ugly enough to give a
>vigorous fright to a guest. But I don't think they're
>dangerous. What parameters should I establish? And how do
>I communicate them to the spiders?
That's easy. When they become bigger than you are, it's time to take
action. I suggest communicating this to the spiders via a VERY LARGE
magazine.
[I would classify this under the heading "Sound Advice". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 92 19:51:51 GMT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
The Center for Marine Conservation reported in May that items that
had washed up on beaches from recent ocean dumpings included: a
refrigerator in North Carolina, a washing machine in California, a car
in Delaware, medical syringes in double the quantity from 1990, 59
packages of debris from 15 different cruise lines, and a container the
size of a semi-trailer -- full of melting ice cream. The average weight
of all trash collected per mile of beach was 667 pounds.
A bank robber in Reggio Calabria, Italy, made off with around $4,000 in an
April robbery. He was unarmed but, according to police, obtained the money
by hypnotizing a teller.
In May, after Kristin Warford, 20, and Richard Payette, 22, survived
their suicide pact, Warford told the Kenosha (Wis.) News that the
adventure "was the singular most stupid act in my life." Said she,
"After (Payette) sliced his wrists, I'll never forget him looking at
me and saying, 'I don't like this. I don't like this at all.' After
a while we looked at each other and thought, 'Whoa. This isn't fun.
It's dirty. It's messy. It hurts.'"
A newspaper reported in June that the U.S. Environmental Protection
Agency's executive fleet of cars averages only 6.2 miles per gallon, less
than one-fourth the federally mandated average of 27.5.
According to Mayor Richard Daley, the April 13 flood of the Chicago
business district could have been prevented if either of two things had
happened:
1. If inspectors had checked five bridges, they would have discovered
defective pilings that puntured tunnel walls -- but inspectors ignored
four of the bridges, claiming they couldn't find a place to park.
2. If one inspector, who viewed a punctured wall, had reported his
findings more quickly, preventive action could have been taken -- but
he sent his photographs to a drugstore for processing and had to wait
a week to get the prints back.
A Noblesville, Inv., judge agreed to move his courtroom one June night
to a van outside the Deer Creek Music Center so that rowdy Grateful Dead
concert fans could be processed immediately upon their arrest for drugs
possession and other crimes, rather than having to wait overnight.
Clarence Schreiner, 81, was charged with killing his wife of 61 years in
Winter Haven, Fla., in June, using a hatchet, rope and butcher knife, and
checking on her condition several times in order to assure that he had
been successful. Schreiner said his wife provoked him by denying him
permission to buy a Cadillac.
A questionnaire that White County (Ark.) welfare officials required
each single mother to complete as a condition of receiving benefits
called for the following information: when and where she first had sexual
intercourse with the child's father; how often, when and where after that
first time; parties attended with the father; names of any motels, bars
or other places she went with the father; names of all other men with
whom she had sexual intercourse while seeing the father; and the regularity
and starting date of her menstrual periods before the pregnancy.
Use of the form was discontinued after the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
brought it to the attention of state officials.
The Philadelphia Inquirer reported in June on the local "Silent Meeting
club," consisting of several people who gather at various spots around
town and make it a point not to speak to each other. Founder John Hudak
said his inspiration was his observation that people often feel obligated
to talk when they really have nothing to say, such as at parties.
The Seattle Times reported in May that some federal agencies may erect
hundreds of outdoor "shelters" for their employees who smoke -- at a cost
of around $8,000 each. The shelters would probably resemble bus stop
shelters, to accomodate smokers in the cold or rain.
In March, the families of murder victims Michael and Susan MacIvor began
a battle in Tavernier, Fla., over which would get Michael's estate. The
crucial legal question was which of the two died first. Both were found,
bound and strangled, in their home in 1991. If Michael died first, Susan's
heirs would get his estate, because she would have gotten it had she survived
him. If Susan died first, Michael's estate would go to his family.
In April, Velma Ann Wantlin, 28, was given a citation by police in Houma,
La., for improper use of the 911 line after she called to report that her
husband was preventing her from watching the season finale of "Knots Landing."
In July, New Orleans police arrested Donald Simmons, 53, and Cheryl Collins,
38, for breaking into parking meters, after videotaping the couple's crime.
The police said the two would walk along a street and passionately embrace
every few yards but that that was a ruse. In reality, there was a parking
meter between them, and Simmons would open it with a key and slip the money
to Collins, who would put it into a bag under her skirt -- all in about
12 seconds' time.
Emoke P. Adams, 53, filed a lawsuit in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, in April against
neighbor Theresa Bartlett for $25,000 for negligently squirting her with a
garden hose. Adams cited "permanent" physical problems and emotional trauma
resulting from the incident.
Thomas Hall, 57, was convicted of manslaughter in Nashville, Tenn., in April
in the 1991 shooting death of his brother Howard.
According to the prosecurtor, Thomas, who had just mopped the kitchen
floor, became upset when Howard tracked in mud from the outside. Thomas
yelled at Howard, and both men ran for their guns.
An Indiana appeals court ruled in April that a railroad employee's estate
was entitled to federal railway worker compensation because his death
occurred in the line of duty.
The employee was shot by a 13-year-old boy as he leaned out the window of
his train for the purpose of passing a note to a coworker reading, "Eat a bag
of s---."
Jenny Soukup, 17, was charged with conspiracy to assist in a drive-by shooting
in Russell, Kan., in February. Several hours later, out on bail, she was
crowned winter sports queen at Russell High School as a result of a vote taken
before the shooting incident.
Ronald Sturkes was charged in Hicksville, N.Y., in June with irregularities
in taking his driver's license test. After become well-known to motor vehicle
department employees by protesting his failure on the driving portion of the
test, Sturkes -- 27 years old and white -- allegedly arranged for a 55-year-old
black man to impersonate him in taking the written test.
Shawn O'Neill, 42, was arrested in Escondido, Calif., in March and charged with
robbing Hussar's Jewelers. He had already been convicted of robbing it twice
in January and was awaiting sentencing.
Ed Stevens, public school superintendent in Duncanville, Texas, resigned
in July after a Dallas TV station filmed him visiting several adult bookstores
and theaters during work hours. Stevens said he went to those places (some
of which he visited for several hours at a time) purely to investigate
allegations that some of his colleagues were there.
In June, the student-written newspaper at the Parker elementary school in
Billerica, Mass., published an article, "15 Ways to Kill Your Sister" (e.g.,
"Drop her off the top of a building"). The paper is supervised by a female
teacher with 20 years' experience, who reported thought the story was very
creative.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 92 13:04:44 PDT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: NOTW
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
A male and female student at Frankfurt University in Germany slipped
into a restroom on campus for a tryst but were inadvertently locked in
by the janitor. They figured their only way out was to activate the
sprinkler system, which sent firefighters to the rescue. The water
damage (around $12,000) was billed to the students.
James V. Harris, 38, drowned in Columbia, Mo., in July while hiding in
a drainage ditch at an apartment complex. According to police, he was
eluding security officers who had discovered him shoplifting at a
Wal-Mart store. Harris hid in the ditch as an intense thunderstorm
began, dumping an inch and a half of rain in only a few minutes.
Sculptor Janine Antoni's show at the Sandra Gering Gallery in New
York City this spring featured a 600-pound cube of chocolate (price:
$7,500) that she had gnawed on for three days to represent people's
inability to control their weight. Said she, "(My gnawing and spitting
out chocolate) is a metaphor for a society that's always after the
binge, the fast fix."
Tyvonne Watts was charged with the murder of bar deejay Michael
Johnson in May in Danbury, Conn. Police said Watts shot Johnson
in the neck because he objected to various song dedications Johnson
was making.
A 29-year-old New Westminster, B.C., man was charged with DUI in June
after he rear-ended a van carrying several police officers who travel
around the community urging people not to drink and drive.
San Antonio police, trying to piece together the circumstances of the
death of a 40-year-old man in July, released to the newspapers the
following clues: In a closet in his apartment were numerous bars of
six different brands of soap; bizarre messages were taped to various
objects in the home; eight TV sets were placed in a semicircle; 40
half-dollars were found in the man's stomach.
On May 15, Laguna Beach police officer Jon "Crash" Fehlman was injured
again on the job -- this time suffering a broken leg when a motorist
hit his parked patrol car while he was alongside frisking a suspect.
Since "Crash" joined the force in 1985, he has been driven into by
colleagues in a chase exercise; suffered bruised heels chasing a
prowler; been rear-ended by a truck; had his patrol car door slam on his
knee (breaking the leg in two places); and been disabled with poison
oak, smoke inhalation, and wrenched knees and elbows.
Police tried to prevent the ceremonial opening in January of the religious
festival of St. Vincent near Manganeses de la Polvorosa, Spain, which
calls for dropping a live goat from a church belfry. Even though the
goat falls to a tarpaulin and walks away safely, animal rights activists
had obtained an injunction calling for a $5,000 fine per goat dropped.
In retaliation for the injunction, the 1,300 townspeople attacked police
and the journalists who had descended upon the festival.
A man and woman living near Peshawar, Pakistan, were executed in June
by the man's father according to custom, because they lived together
without benefit of marriage.
On July 31, three magistrates in economically depressed Breathitt County,
Kr., went to jail for contempt of the legislature rather than follow
orders to raise local taxes. (The magistrates had to serve the sentence
in a neighboring county because Breathitt's jails had been shut down
because of the budget shortage.)
Ryegate, Mont., artist Theodore Waddell, known for making art pieces
from road-kill animals, put a coyote carcass on display this winter
at the Cheney Cowles Museum in Spokane, Wash. Soon after, fly larvae
hatched in the carcass and forced the museum to close until exterminators
cleaned up.
In New York City in April, car passenger Jose Rodriguez, 69, got behind
the wheel and mowed down ine pedestrians in midtown Manhattan at the
height of rush hour. According to his nephew, Rodriguez took the
wheel only reluctantly. The car was parked at a curb, and a traffic
officer ordered Rodriguez to move it. Rodriguez obliged the officer
even though he did not know how to drive.
The Josh Baer Gallery in New York City announced recently it would soon
display part of Andrew Krasnow's "Flag Poll" sculpture -- featuring a
U.S. flag made of human skin. Krasnow said he obtained the skin
through legal means, including the eight-inch patch he got from his
own buttocks.
A jury in Buffalo, N.Y., ruled in June that sculptor Billie Lawless
was not entitled to money damages from the city just because the
mayor had ordered his exhibit dismantled after only five days' display
in 1984. Lawless' "Green Lightning" featured dancing penises, wearing
top hats.
Billy J. Sexton, serving 75 years in prison in Oklahome for killing
his first wife (and charged with killing his second wife), filed a
$60 million lawsuit against officials at a parole board hearing
recently for subjecting him to cruel and unusual punishment that caused
him "mental trauma." He is objecting to parole officials forcing him
to view photographs of his first wife's mutilated body.
A Dallas grand jury decided in June not to indict the five police
officers who arrested Roberto Longorio for firing a shotgun into his
ex-girlfriend's home. After chasing Longorio's truck through the
streets for 25 minutes, the officers shot Longorio nine times, firing a
total of 116 shots at him.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 92 14:43:50 CDT
From: ibmpa!hostname.austin.ibm.com!meo@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Miles ONeal)
Subject: QOTD from the Austin paper
To: spaf
'In summary, though having one's heart
stop or bleeding to death is certainly
natural and holistic, it is not normal.'
-Robert M. Patterson, M.D.
Holistic medicine at its best!
------------------------------
Date: 11 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: cortese@skid.ps.uci.edu (Janis Maria Cortese)
Subject: realistic baby dolls
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seeing as how global overpopulation is such a pressing issue, my
boyfriend and I were thinking about the things that could be done to
alleviate it.
One of the things that makes people underestimate what it takes to raise
a baby is they way they are told about it in childhood -- in other words
baby dolls. My boyfriend and I thought on this one and came up with a
few top sellers that would illustrate to any seven year old girl what it
really takes to raise a kid:
Baby Ain't-Gonna-Eat-This-Shit: A small magnet glued to the inside of
the doll's face turns the head every time a spoon is brought too close.
A special spring system throws one arm up to knock to spoon out of the
loving mommy's hands and onto her clothes.
Baby Dump-Your-Pants: Self-explanatory. A special additive at a minial
extra cost simulates the true olfactory experience of changing an
infant's diapers. Again, special spring systems insure that the infant
will not sit still but will instead squirm around and get out of your
hands just like a REAL BABY!!
Baby Up-At-Two-AM: A timer in the doll attached to a loudspeaker
automatically starts screaming every night at 2 in the morning. Perfect
for those seven year olds who work swing shift!
Baby Colic: A patented orange dye implanted into the skin of the doll
intensifies over a period of a week. Removal of the timer from the
loudspeaker system also recreates temperament of a sick infant.
Baby Screams-In-Public-Places: For those working mommies and daddies
who can't pay for a babysitter, here's what's in store for YOU!
Junior Toddler NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!!!!!!: Again, an eerily realistic
attempt to recreate the experience of dealing with a 2 year old.
And for the older crowd:
Unwed Teenaged Mother: Just twist her arm, and she gets pregnant!
Unwed Teenaged Father: Teaches children an important lesson when, upon
getting the box home, they open it and discover that the doll is gone.
(thunk up by Janis Cortese and Mike Zintl)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 92 12:56:06 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: signature of the week...
To: bob
>I finally realized why astronauts didn't take dogs on the space shuttle.
>Because if on the re-entry they stuck their heads out the window, their
>faces would burn up.
+-DLS
------------------------------
Date: 8 Aug 92 23:30:04 GMT
From: wb8foz@scl.cwru.edu (David Lesher)
Subject: Stay Tuned!
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
In order to best meet viewers overwhelming demand for more coverage,
NBC has revised its programming schedule to better reflect the
audience's desires:
Red Channel will have live action from the Iron Man Economic
quadathalon, with commentary by George Bush. Due to the grueling
course, interest centers around whether *anyone* will finish the
event.
White Channel features an expose on Bill Clinton's behaviour during his
post-convention honeymoon. It features Never-Before-Seen footage from
INSIDE the campaign bus. After that, White will switch to the Quayle
vs: Quayle abortion debate, already in progress.
The Blue Channel, originally scheduled to have a play-by-play of the
Perot platform, will instead revert to regularly scheduled programming.
See your local campaign office volunteer for a refund.
The *FREE* NBC schedule will finish off the broadcast day with the
exciting finale of the Hillary vs: Barbara chocolate cookie bake-off.
Remember - only NBC, with your local cable company, can bring
you this exciting array. Don't delay, subscribe now.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 92 11:56:40 EDT
From: ctw0%dazzle@gte.com (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes)
Subject: Supreme Master Ching Hai's book Part I
To: pitts@cs.ulowell.edu, spaf, matjmm@gsusgi1.gsu.edu
In article <1888@ceylon.gte.com>, vks0@bunny.gte.com (Vijay Samalam) writes:
|> In article <1884@ceylon.gte.com> Les Servi <lds0@gte.com> writes:
|> > Does anyone know the source of the dozen or so books on one of the
|> > library tables entitled
|> >
|> > "The Key of Immediate Enlightenment" by Supreme Master Ching Hai?
|> >
|> > I noticed many copies of this book in Chinese many months ago in the
|> > library and recently noticed English copies.
|> >
|>
|> The supreme master ..... (oops sorry, forgot the caps) Supreme Master
|> Chang Hai having thoroughly mastered all the most esoteric books of
|> the world, both oriental and occidental including but not limited to
|> the "Kama Sutra", "The Tibetan Book of the Dead", "The Perfumed
|> Garden", "Sears Catalog" and having delved into the mysteries
|> of the Kabbalah has the rare ability to make his books appear anyplace
|> and at anytime he/she/it chooses. So don't be surprised if somewhere
|> ,someplace, sometime when you least expect it you turn around and find
|> the book lying on your table palpably glowing around the edges with an
|> Arthurian halo. The best thing to do about this is to completely ignore it.
|> This ectoplasmic presence getting tired of being ignored will quietly
|> disappear.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 92 11:59:08 EDT
From: ctw0%dazzle@gte.com (C.T. "Tom" Wilkes)
Subject: Supreme Master Ching Hai's book Part II
To: pitts@cs.ulowell.edu, spaf, matjmm@gsusgi1.gsu.edu
In article <rjb1.716083256@gte.com>, rjb1@gte.com (Richard J. Brandau) writes:
|> vks0@bunny.gte.com (Vijay Samalam) writes:
|>
|> >This ectoplasmic presence getting tired of being ignored will quietly
|> >disappear.
|>
|> Aha! Enlightenment! That must be what happened to those copies of
|> Knuth I had lying around...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Sep 92 18:33:55 EDT
From: positron@engin.umich.edu (Jonathan Scott Haas)
Subject: Welcome!!
Newsgroups: alt.cesium
In article <gabble> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
>In article <bleah> lllowen@netcom.com (Lonmower Man) writes:
>>In article <something> gooley@netcom.com (Mark. Gooley) writes:
>>>Why cesium?
>>>
>>>Why not bismuth?
>>
>>You doubt the power of cesium? I think I may have some more people to
>>back me up in this one! (Bismuth is nice, btw)
>
>Well, you can run an atomic clock off cesium, but it isn't so great
>for non-lethal relief of indigestion.
>
What's wrong with lethal relief of indigestion? Do you have some
kind of unfair prejudice against death?
[A strong candidate for most bizarre new group of the month. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1992 17:55:30 -0500
From: "Ben Wildasin" <bwildasi@whale.cs.indiana.edu>
Subject: Welcome!!
Newsgroups: alt.cesium
In article <1992Sep8.205019.28449@news.acns.nwu.edu> birdman@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Christopher Kush) writes:
>I propose splitting into two groups;
>
> alt.cesium.atomic-mass
> alt.cesium.atomic-number
Yes, during the past few days traffic has reached a level that makes it
difficult for people whose interest in cesium is restricted to a particular
property. The obvious solution is to create a new alt.cesium.property
hierarchy. Naturally, each new group will have a companion whose name ends
in .d. As with similar arrangements elsewhere, we may be certain that
posters will set the Followup-To: to the .d group. Possible names could
include:
alt.cesium.property.atomic-mass
alt.cesium.property.atomic-number
alt.cesium.property.freezing-point
alt.cesium.property.electronegativity
alt.cesium.property.ionization-energy.first (.second, etc.)
alt.cesium.property.color
alt.cesium.property.taste
alt.cesium.property.odor
alt.cesium.property.ld-50
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 13:48:19 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Welcome!!
Newsgroups: alt.cesium
(Matt Brockman) writes:
>>I say that we disband this group and get something useful like alt.nitrogen.
>>Nitrogen is much more useful than cesium anyway, and is in all ways a
>>superior element.
>
>Oh, boy. Another fair-weather fan. Hoppin' on the bandwagon
>just cause N take up ~80% of the atmoshpere. You think
>just because *your* element is more prevelent that it is
>automatically better. Why not back Jupiter just 'cause it's
>the biggest planet?
>Your kind disgusts me!
You ignorant fool! While it's true that Nitrogen is cheap and plentiful,
making up the majority of the atmosphere, the true beauty of this amazing
element is in the rarity of compounds containing it. Nitrogen forms compounds
of extremely high potential energy. WIthout the benificent Nitrogen, we would
never have protein, or most explosives. Now, how can you beat that with a
crude, slutty element like Cesium that goes around combining with anything
around it. Why, it's almost as bad as flourine and sodium. This is a moral
and a family values issue; we must ban Cesium immediately as it is a bad
example for our youth.
[It went on after these 3..... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 8 Sep 92 23:30:04 GMT
From: baldwa@adobe.com
Subject: What is ia a time?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I got this message back from our sys. admin in response to my question
about clock time on my Silicon Graphics machine (It was half an hour behind
the actual time)
From: jhammond (John Hammond)
To: baldwa
Subject: Re: SGI time
Sanjay,
DEC time, SGI time, and your time are all different because the SGI
functions so much faster than the DEC and the DEC functions faster than
you. Time from your frame of reference would appear to slow down
particularly on the SGI but the same would hold for the DEC to a
lesser degree. This difference would become apparent to you as a
difference in time between the DEC and the SGI. A corollary to this
of course is that the SGI will physically appear longer than the DEC.
So all you would need to do is take out your tape measure, measure the
length of the SGI when it is running and compare that distance to when
it is not running, subtract the two values, divide this value by the
speed of the machine ( in light years), this will give you the value
to add to the apparent SGI time.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 92 05:56:20 -0500
From: genek@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
To: bob
Just heard on radio:
A 16 year old boy was arrested for assaulting his father with
a 21-pound cement mushroom lawn ornament. This was prompted
by an argument that ensued after the boy brought a goat home
on Thursday night.
*sigh* Only in Indiana...
(Hmm, that father must be proud to have raised such a fungi.)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------