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Yucks Digest V2 #48 (mixed nuts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 22 Sep 92 Volume 2 : Issue 48
Today's Topics:
14-year-old stabs mother because of TV
Cooking shows
Indiana wants me (Lord, I can't go back there!)
Job Interview Pointers
Order of Nuking
poltically correct pizzas
Russia's OPERATIONAL Star Wars Defense System
science and giggling
Congratulations on your selection
Spokesman for Earth
thoughts on UPC codes, from misc.legal
UFO/alien themes in movies
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 92 11:58:26 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: 14-year-old stabs mother because of TV
To: spaf
Lampasas, TX --
A 14-year-old boy said he stabbed his mother in the back early Saturday
because, as a form of discipline, she had take away his television. Sula
Robertson, 48, who was stabbed while sleeping at her home, was released from
Metroplex Hospital in Killeen after undergoing surgery to remove the knife
from her back. Investigator Raymond Burn with the Lampasas County
sheriff's department said the boy told him he had planned since Friday to
kill his mother.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 92 11:58:20 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: Cooking shows
To: eniac
Local cable access being what it is (and isn't), especially in a
large metro area like Los Angeles, and esPECially in a highly gerrymandered
cable area like mine, which includes a corridor from downtown out to
the ocean, down through dead-broke, gang-ridden Venice and into
super-rich Marina del Rey... what was I saying?
Oh yeah, local access. We have a lot of it. Things being as
they are, (did I say that before?) lots of people think they can cook.
I watch some of these when my medicine kicks in and I can't get out of
my chair.
THE FRAGILE GOURMET
Maybe she was big-league once, I don't know. Now she's about nine years
older than dirt and can't weigh more than 85 pounds. Her print dresses
do things to the CCD elements in the studio cameras and the scan lines
don't help any; she's hard to look at straight. But boy can she cook!
I've gotten recipes I'm convinced are proprietary secrets from various
restaurants, which she remembers but has forgotten the origins of. Trouble
is, this only works about half the time. The other half of the time she
zaps, thinks she's at home, and wanders off the set to go change the
sheets or something. Since the crew's all gone out for coffee, this
leads to about ten or twenty minutes of bare set. A real Zen experience,
especially if she's left something on the stove. The sprinklers went
off once, and that was a hoot until the camera shorted out.
THE FERTILE GOURMET
This lady has between six and nine kids - I've never gotten an exact
count - and this has to be one of the most valuable shows on TV. She
demonstrates how to cook for a whole huge bunch of family, every day,
on a budget, while keeping half the family from assassinating the other
half with anything that comes to hand. She brings all the kids to
the set for every show. I think she has to. Unfortunately this very
valuable show was cancelled after every single piece of studio equipment
had to be replaced three times due to a buildup of saliva and Smurfs.
THE FARMER GOURMET
This guy looks like Steven King's take on Mr. Green Jeans. I think he's
a truck farmer with a messiah complex. He wheels in this grocery cart
loaded with dirt-covered vegetables, and proceeds to cook...something, I
don't know what, it's different every time. You can watch what he's
doing, but the problem is that while he starts talking about the cooking,
he wanders, the way people do, until after about five minutes it's all
about the New Christy Institute and the Trilabial Commission and a whole
bunch of people and nations that don't really correspond to any reality
with which I'm familiar. That's on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays he deals with
meat dishes, and those are much more pointed and direct, but I've never
managed to watch that one much past the point where he leads in the goat.
If anyone else ever actually watched this it wouldn't be on long, I don't
think.
I think there are some more of these on, but I have to go take some more
medicine now.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 92 12:45:38 CDT
From: meo@austin.ibm.com (Miles ONeal)
Subject: Indiana wants me (Lord, I can't go back there!)
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
| A 16 year old boy was arrested for assaulting his father with
| a 21-pound cement mushroom lawn ornament. This was prompted
| by an argument that ensued after the boy brought a goat home
| on Thursday night.
You have to see this in context. The traditional Indiana father-son
talk as a boy reaches 16 (the age of dating consent in Indiana) includes
the following:
"...and son, you know we have to keep the races pure. I don't want
you bringin' home none o' them other people. Stick to our kind,
you hear?"
As he heads out the door for a date, the mother reminds him quietly,
"And don't be bringin' home no goats. You know your father fought them
in the war and still can't abide the sight of them. It would kill him
if he thought you were dating one..."
Finally, keep in mind that when prevailing winds bring in air from areas
such as Cleveland, with its known mind-damaging qualities, all bets are
off, inhibitions tend to fall rapidly.
[This, of course, is a major slur on Indiana and Hoosiers in general.
The age of consent is not 16. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: brsmith@cs.umn.edu
Subject: Job Interview pointers....
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I was on the interviewer side of a job interview for the first time a
few days ago, and in preparation I asked many people for help and
advice. I received a set of sample questions from a best friend in a
previous life.
All credit or blame for the following truly belong to Brian R. Smith
(brsmith@cs.umn.edu), and is reproduced here by permission:
"How do you work in a team situation when all the other team
members are fools and idiots?"
"How well do you program under the influence of hard drugs?"
"Have you ever beaten or killed a co-worker?"
"Give me a rough estimate of the maximum dollar amount that you've
stolen from each of your previous employers."
"Do you object to bullwhips in the workplace?"
"Emacs or vi?"
"You have a large network of Suns being used by secretaries for word
processing in FrameMaker. Which GNU packages would you install for
your own entertainment, and how would you justify them later?"
"You see a wounded puppy bleeding and whimpering on the side of the
road while you're running to work to fix a downed computer that tens
of users are waiting for. Do you let the puppy die?" "Why not?"
"How much of your workday would you waste by reading news?"
"Recite the GNU Manifesto."
"How many clients (30% diskless, 60% dataless, 10% /var/spool/mail
only) can a Sun 600MP server serve simultaneously, and what relation
does this have to angels and pinheads?"
------------------------------
From: Mark Benson 5-4228 <benson@colorado.med.ge.com>
Subject: Order of Nuking
Newsgroups: sci.military
[In a discussion about a possible strategy for fighting a nuclear war]
The above assumes that the weapons systems work fairly well, and that the
opponent is so suprised he doesn't shoot back. I rather suspect we are
all still alive today because Kruschev, Brezhnev, Andropov, et al. had
thoughts along the lines of...
"This is an MX missile, the most powerful weapon system known
to mankind. It can deliver 10 300+ KT warheads to an area the
size of your patio. It could blow you silo clean to hell. Now in
all this confusion, I forgot whether you got all 50 or only 40.
You should be asking yourself one question, and the question is ,
do you feel lucky? Well do ya, PUNK?"
(apologies to Clint...)
------------------------------
Date: 22 Sep 92 00:07:01 GMT
From: mmalervy@sdcc13.ucsd.edu (Michael J. Malervy)
Subject: poltically correct pizzas
Newsgroups: ucsd.students
After months of exhausting research, I have concluded that
the politically correct UCSD student would only get a pizza at Pizza
Hut. Further, this student would not put any toppings on his
pizza.
Let's look at why other pizzas are politically incorrect.
Dominos is obviously the most politically incorrect. Their owner,
Pat Maynahan, is pro-life. Additionally, Dominos uses the
politically incorrect automobile to transport their pizza to their
customers. This is unacceptable to the politically correct crowd.
Next, we have Little Ceasars. Little Ceasars harkens back to the
Roman Empire, where the ceasars ruled. Little Caesars is therefore
Eurocentric, and politically incorrect. Round Table, whose mane
brings to mind England in the Middle Ages, is also Eurocentric.
Plus, the Round Table on campus is the home of the Bulls-eye Tavern,
a place which has raised the ire of the New Indicator. Therefore,
Round Table is politically incorrect.
This leaves Pizza Hut. What is a hut? It is a small
structure used by people living in the Third World. Pizza Hut is
not Eurocentric, does not take a stand against abortion, and has not
made the New Indicator angry. Therefore, Pizza Hut is politically
correct.
But what kind of pizza is politically correct at Pizza Hut?
Any pizza without pepperoni, sausage, ground beef, ham, or any other
topping that would be considered meat. After all, it is politically
incorrect to eat meat. It is cruel and inhumane to kill another
fellow creature to satisfy one's taste for meat. All the other
toppings at Pizza Hut are also politically incorrect. After all,
how can you eat green pepopers or mushrooms or extra cheese when
there are people starving? The politically correct
student would therefore order a regular cheese pizza at Pizza Hut in
order to avoid any of the guilt that might arise from enjoying a
politically incorrect pizza.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 92 15:58:25 EDT
From: welty@balltown.cma.com (richard welty)
Subject: Russia's OPERATIONAL Star Wars Defense System
To: eniac
found on the net ... in a _moderated_ newsgroup!!
Newsgroups: sci.military
In article <BusAD3.L9v@lawday.DaytonOH.NCR.COM> you write:
>
>From "NAME \"Robert E. McElwaine\"" <MCELWRE@cnsvax.uwec.edu>
>
>
>
> RUSSIA'S OPERATIONAL STAR WARS DEFENSE SYSTEM
>
> In February 1992, Russian President Boris Yeltsin
> proposed to the United States and the United Nations a global
> defense shield (with "Star Wars"-type weapons) BASED ON
> RUSSIAN TECHNOLOGY.
>
> Some people might wonder what the "backward" Russians
> could possibly have that would be of value for the S.D.I.
> research and development program.
>
> The little-known TRUTH is that the Russians started
> deploying an OPERATIONAL "Star Wars" defense system in
> September 1977, and it has greatly grown and improved since
> that time. It is a SPACE TRIAD built around CHARGED-PARTICLE
> BEAM and NEUTRON PARTICLE BEAM WEAPONS.
>
> In this article I will describe the Russian system as it
> developed from 1977 to 1983, and give several examples of how
> it was used during that period. But first I will try to
> convince readers of the credibility of my main source of
> information about it.
>
> My main source is articles published in a weekly
> legislative newspaper, WISCONSIN REPORT (WR), of Brookfield,
> Wisconsin, (P.O. Box 45, zip 53005), written by the late Dr.
> Peter David Beter, a well-respected Washington, DC attorney,
> Doctor of Jurisprudence, and expert and consultant in
> international law, finance, and intelligence, who received
> much of his information from associates in the CIA and other
> intelligence groups of other countries who disapproved of
> many of the things happening or being planned behind the
> scenes. They believed that at least limited public exposure
> might delay and ultimately prevent the worst of those things,
> such as NUCLEAR WAR and NATIONAL DICTATORSHIP, from taking
> place.
>
> Dr. Beter started appearing on local radio and TV talk
> shows, but soon found himself being BANNED from them, as a
> result of government THREATS to cancel broadcast licenses.
> So he started producing monthly one-hour cassette tapes and
> sending them to a growing list of subscribers. From June 21,
> 1975 until November 3, 1982 he recorded eighty "Dr. Beter
> Audio Letters" plus eight "Audio Books" and three special
> topic tapes. On September 1, 1977 Wisconsin Report started
> publishing transcripts of those tapes.
>
> Based on information from his sources, Dr. Beter
> PREDICTED the bombing of the Marines in Beirut A FULL YEAR
> BEFORE IT HAPPENED, WARNING that the U.S. Pentagon and the
> Israeli Mossad were CONSPIRING TO DELIBERATELY ARRANGE IT in
> order to try to get Americans angry at the Arabs and generate
> public support for PLANNED military action against them. He
> reported the impending assassination of Anwar Saddat of Egypt
> SIX DAYS BEFORE IT HAPPENED. And Dr. Beter predicted what he
> called the "retirement" of Leonid Brezhnev one week before
> Brezhnev officially "died" (note that the word "retirement"
> was used for the TERMINATION OF REPLICANTS in the 1982 movie
> "Blade Runner"), and his quick replacement with Andropov
> which occurred only three days after the "death" of Brezhnev,
> to the surprise of all government and media analysts.
> Subscription application and renewal forms for Dr. Beter's
> tapes would usually say, "Subscribe to the Dr. Beter Audio
> Letter and watch the news start making sense."
>
>
>
> RUSSIA'S SPACE TRIAD OF STAR WARS WEAPONS
>
> In September 1977 the Russians started launching MANNED
> killer satellites, called "COSMOS INTERCEPTORS", armed with
> CHARGED-PARTICLE BEAM weapons, into earth orbit, (12-15-77
> WR). By April 1978 there were about THREE DOZEN of them, and
> they had FINISHED DESTROYING all American spy and early
> warning satellites, (5-18-78 WR).
>
> On September 27, 1977, in what Dr. Beter called "THE
> BATTLE OF THE HARVEST MOON", a Cosmos Interceptor in Earth
> orbit used a NEUTRON-PARTICLE BEAM to wipe out a secret
> American laser-beam base nearing operational status in
> Copernicus Crater on the Moon, (11-3-77 WR). The Russians
> quickly deployed their own military bases on the Moon, the
> second leg of their space triad, starting on October 4, 1977,
> with seven EXTREMELY POWERFUL charged-particle beam weapons
> BASES on the near side of the Moon and three support bases on
> the far side, (2-9-78 WR).
>
> The first test of the Moon base weapons occurred on
> November 19, 1977, ironically at about the same time as the
> release of the first "Star Wars" movie with its "death star"
> weapon. The Russians were aiming at the eye of a cyclone
> near India. But they miscalculated the deflection of the
> beam by the Earth's magnetic field, and the beam struck the
> ocean too close to the shore causing a TIDAL WAVE that killed
> many people, (2-9-78 WR). A blast of charged-particle beams
> from two or more of the Russian Moon bases fired in quick
> succession would create the DESTRUCTIVE EFFECT OF A HYDROGEN
> BOMB on its target.
>
> The third leg of Russia's triad of space weapons is the
> "COSMOSPHERES". The first-generation Cosmospheres were
> weapons platforms that were ELECTRO-GRAVITIC (could hover
> against gravity), ATOMIC POWERED, horizontally positioned by
> rocket thrusters, somehow invisible to radar beyond about 40
> miles (perhaps from a radar-absorbing coating), armed with
> CHARGED-PARTICLE BEAM weapons (at least a hundred times less
> powerful than those in the Moon bases), equipped with
> "PSYCHO-ENERGETIC RANGE FINDING" (PRF) which tunes in to the
> actual ATOMIC SIGNATURE of a target or object and canNOT be
> jammed, and some of them were also armed with microwave
> BRAIN-SCRAMBLING equipment.
>
> In late 1977 and early 1978, there was a strange rash of
> giant AIR BOOMS along the east coast of the United States and
> elsewhere. These air booms were NEVER satisfactorily
> explained, by either the government, the scientific
> establishment, or the news media. They could NOT be
> positively identified with any particular Super Sonic
> Transport plane (SST) or other aircraft, and indeed they were
> MUCH LOUDER than aircraft sonic booms. The giant airbooms
> were actually caused by Russian Cosmospheres firing CHARGED-
> PARTICLE BEAMS down into the atmosphere in a DEFOCUSED MODE
> (spread out) for the purpose of announcing their presence to
> the WAR-MONGERS in the United States Pentagon, (2-9-78 WR).
>
>
> The main purpose of any "Star Wars" defense system is to
> protect a country against nuclear attack. During the weekend
> of January 20, 1980, Russian Cosmospheres accomplished such a
> mission. A NUCLEAR FIRST STRIKE against Russia by the then
> BOLSHEVIK-CONTROLLED United States was being started with a
> total of 82 special secret aircraft that can sneak up to a
> country's shoreline under water, surface, change
> configuration, take off, and fly at treetop level to their
> targets. Dr. Beter describes part of the action in his Audio
> Letter #53, recorded on January 21, 1980: "At that point the
> real action got under way, in the Caspian Sea and off
> northern Norway. The Subcraft, with Israeli pilots, were on
> their way. They were traveling under water on the first legs
> of their attack missions....
>
> "Late Saturday night, Washington time, a coded signal was
> flashed to the Subcraft to continue as planned. By that
> time, the northern contingent of Subcraft were in the White
> Sea. The southern contingent had reached the north end of
> the Caspian Sea. It was already daylight, Sunday morning,
> the 20th, for the Subcraft contingents. Their orders were to
> wait out the day under water, out of sight; then, after
> nightfall, they were to continue their steady approach to get
> close to their targets. The Subcraft were maintaining strict
> radio silence. They were also deep enough under water to be
> invisible from the air to either the eye or radar, yet they
> were also hugging the shoreline in water too shallow for
> Russian sonar to pick them up. And their infrared signatures
> were negligible as the result of extensive development. In
> short, by the standards of Western technology, they were
> undetectable. But in AUDIO LETTER No. 42 I revealed Russia's
> master secret weapon. It is called "Psycho-energetic Range
> Finding" or PRF. It is unlike sonar and similar techniques.
> PRF tunes in to the actual atomic signature of a target, and
> there is no method known by which PRF can be jammed.
>
> "By deploying their Navy to the Arabian Sea, the
> Russians are pretending to be fooled by the Bolshevik
> distraction with the aircraft carriers. In this way they
> encouraged the Bolsheviks to launch the Subcraft toward their
> targets. They waited until the Subcraft were far away from
> their bases and out of sight of the Bolsheviks, who are
> directing the American first-strike operation. But the whole
> time they were being tracked by Cosmospheres overhead using
> PRF, and shortly after 1:00 A.M. yesterday morning Eastern
> Standard Time the Cosmospheres began firing their Charged
> Particle Beam Weapons. There were 10 Subcraft in the White
> Sea. Each disappeared in a blinding blue white water spout
> of steam, smoke, and fire. In the north end of the Caspian
> there were 19 Subcraft--they, too, met the same fate.", (2-7-
> 80 WR).
>
> The 3rd-generation Russian JUMBO COSMOSPHERES were first
> deployed in April 1981, in parallel with the first U.S. Space
> Shuttle mission. They significantly interfered with that
> MILITARY mission, in ways which were successfully covered up
> by NASA using techniques similar to those shown in the movie
> "Capricorn I", (5-7-81, 5-14-81, and 5-21-81 WR).
>
> Jumbo Cosmospheres are much larger than the 1st-
> generation models, and use ELECTROMAGNETIC PROPULSION instead
> of rocket thrusters to move around.
>
> For about two years after Dr. Beter stopped recording
> his Audio Letters in November 1982 (because of heart
> trouble), his distributor, Audio Books, Inc., published some
> newsletters titled "NewsALERT", using information passed on
> to them by Dr. Beter or received directly from his sources.
> A special supplementary issue, dated March 26, 1984,
> describes how Russian Jumbo Cosmospheres captured two
> communication satellites right after launch from U.S. Space
> Shuttle Mission #10, found anti-satellite (ASAT) missiles
> mounted on one of them, and dumped both satellites into
> useless orbits. NASA had fun TRYING to explain two-in-a-row
> failures of a highly reliable PAM-D satellite booster.
>
> Russia's offer to share their "Star Wars" defense system
> with the rest of the world might also extend to SCIENTIFIC
> SPACE EXPLORATION. For example, the United States is
> planning to send two unmanned flyby and sample-return space
> missions to a comet. These missions would cost BILLIONS of
> dollars, take fifteen years from now to complete, and could
> FAIL in DOZENS of ways. A Russian Jumbo Cosmosphere could
> complete a MANNED version of such a mission in a matter of
> MONTHS, if they have not already done so, since these
> Cosmospheres can accelerate continuously.
>
> Note that the United States has announced a deal to
> purchase at least one SPACE REACTOR from Russia. Now you
> know what the Russians originally developed and used them
> for.
>
>
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
>
> Robert E. McElwaine
> B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1992 21:24:52 GMT
From: mazur@inmet.camb.inmet.com (Beth Mazur)
Subject: science and giggling
Newsgroups: sci.med
While I tend to side with the "establishment" on the issue of food
combining, the following is definitely worth reading, if only to
ease some of the tension around here.
>From the Boston Globe, Monday, Sept.21 1992 p.30. This is from the
weekly Science column by Chet Raymo.
------ (start of article)
THE PROGRESS OF SCIENCE IS WORTH A FEW GIGGLES
On Columbus Day, Nasa scientists will launch a massive new search
for intelligent alien life. The $100 million, 10-year project will use
some of the world's largest radio telescopes and fastest computers to scan
the entire sky for signals of intelligent origin, with particular emphasis
on 1,000 carefully selected sun-like starts.
The project has been a frequent target for budget cuts, and full-
funding is still in doubt. As project manager Michael Klein admits, the
search for intelligent aliens has "a high giggle factor," meaning that not
every politician takes the project seriously.
One must suppose that Columbus himself had to contend with the
giggle factor. Surely, some advisors in the court of Isabel and Ferdinand
tittered gleefully when the Genoese navigator said he would reach the
East by sailing west. If not for the giggle factor, he might have been
supplied with something more than three tiny, worm infested ships.
Given there has probably always been a giggle factor, it is
interesting to imagine how it might have influenced other decisive moments
in the history of science, such as the discovery of microbes, law and
genetics, and relativity.
Perhaps in a letter such as this from Henry Oldenburg, Secretary
of the Royal Society, London, to Anthony Van Leeuwenhoek, Delft, Holland,
20th of October, 1676:
----------------------------
Dear Mr. Anthony can Leeuwenhoek,
Your letter of October 10th has been received here with
amusement. Your account of myriad "little animals" seen swimming in
rainwater, with the aid of your so-called "microscope," caused the
members of the society considerable merriment when read at our most
recent meeting. Your novel descriptions of the sundry anatomies and
occupations of these invisible creatures led one member to imagine that
your "rainwater" might have contained an ample portion of distilled
spirits--imbibed by the investigator. Another member raised a glass of
clear water and exclaimed, "Behold, the Africk of Leeuwenhoek." For
myself, I withhold judgment as to the sobriety of your observations and
the veracity of your instrument. However, a vote having been taken among
the members--accompanied I regret to inform you, by considerable
giggling--it has been decided not to publish your communication in the
Proceedings of this esteemed society. However, all here wish your
"little animals" health, prodigality and good husbandry by their
ingenious "discoverer.
-----------------------------
Or a letter from Cyrill Franz Napp, abbot of the Monastery of
St. Thomas, Brno, Moravia, to Father Gregor Mendel, June 15, 1859:
-----------------------------
Dear Brother in Christ,
On Wednesday of this past week I had tea with His Excellency the
Bishop. During the course of our conversation, he inquired about rumors
that have come to his ear regarding certain experimental investigations
by one of the brothers of our monastery. He was referring, of course, to
your own inquiries into the procreative habits of peas. I assured him
that your efforts were in earnest, and that you had discerned intriguing
mathematical patterns among the inherited characteristics of peas. The
Bishop suppressed a giggle as I described your pea-genealogies, which he
thought more exquisitely contrived than the family tree of the Emperor
himself. He asked if I though it seemly for a man of your intellectual
attainments to be plodding in a pea patch, prying into the germinal
proclivities of peas. He suggested that pea propogation was a subject
less wothy of your curiosity than, say, the writings of the Church
Fathers or the Doctrine of Grace. My dear Brother Mendel, as sympathetic
as I am to your researches, we can ill afford to have the monastery made
the laughingstock of the diocese. I have therefore issued instructions
that your prolific pea patch be plowed and replanted with potatoes.
----------------------------
Or this from the Editor, Annalen der Physik, to Albert Einstein,
July 10, 1905:
----------------------------
Dear Herr Einstein,
I am in receipt of your three papers submitted to this journal
for publication, on a "quantum" theory of photoelectric efect, a
revolutionary interpretation of Brownian motion, and a "relativistic"
explanation of the laws of electrodynamics. The editorial staff of the
Annalen der Physik are in agreement that the papers represent ingenious
parodies of contemporary physics, and send you hearty congratulations
for having concocted such elegant spoofs. What makes the papers so
terribly clever is their apparent ordinariness, but of course the
perceptive reader will recognize that your theses are at odds with the
entire structure of physiscs. If your ideas had veracity, then all of
physics from Newton to the present would be called into question. Once
we discerned the joke, we had a rollicking good laugh. We are impressed
that a mere patent clerk could devise such theories with such a
high--ah, what shall we call it?--such a high giggle factor. We are
herewith returning your three amusing papers, and thank you for the
entertainment.
-------- (end of article)
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 92 11:38:19 PDT
From: rickg@netcom.com (Rick Gordon)
Subject: Congratulations on your selection
To: spaf
[The message right after this was my response. You yucksters may feel
free to comment for or against this in the newsgroup. --spaf]
Greetings!
You have been nominated for the (in all probability ceremonial)
honor of Spokesman for Earth, the single voice to speak for all
the people on the planet in communications with extra-terrestrial
intelligences, should they be discovered to exist.
Voting for this important post will be conducted during the week
beginning 00:00 GMT, Monday, 28 September, 1992.
The campaign for Spokesman for Earth, like the Presidential
campaign in the USA, will be brutal, but it will also be
mercifully short. During the week beginning Monday, 21
September, you or your supporters may:
A: Post articles in support of your candidacy to alt.alien.visitors.
B: Post an article withdrawing your name from the competition.
C: Ignore the whole thing and get on with your life.
Whatever your decision in this matter, please accept my
congratulations on attaining this singular level of recognition.
Regards,
Rick Gordon
PS: The official list of nominees follows.
Mikhail Gorbachev Walter Cronkite Bill Moyers
Xaviera Hollander lightnin@wpi.wpi.edu Leader Kibo
Cyrus Vance Cicciolina John Major
Dr. Timothy Leary Mother Theresa Pierre Salinger
Jesus of Nazareth Pele Stephen Hawking
Margaret Thatcher Geoff Miller, American Gene Spafford
Mel Gibson Carl Sagan Hilary Clinton
Peter Gabriel and Brian Eno Boris Yeltsin
Steven Spielberg and George Lucas "The Pope"
Gary Stollman and John Winston The Dalai Lama
Pee-Wee Herman Robert Redford Cindy Crawford
Richard Nixon John Romer James Burke
William F. Buckley Barbra Streisand Princess Diana
Rick Gordon "Anybody but David Frost"
Dizzy Gillespie Umberto Eco Johnny Carson
Nelson Mandela Anita Hill Ingmar Bergman
Samuel Ramey Aretha Franklin John Updike
Frank Sinatra Li Po Jimmy Carter
"Anyone in Bangladesh, Somalia, or parts of the former Soviet bloc that have
been ruined by pollution" Ted Williams
"someone who does something nice" Geoff Miller, Australian
Robert Sheaffer
------------------------------
Date: 22 Sep 92 09:19:09
From: spaf@cs.purdue.EDU (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Spokesman for Earth
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors
I found it a distinct...surprise...to be nominated as spokesman for
Earth. Unlike other nominees, I am alive (mostly), have never served
in a political office, am not primarily employed in the entertainment
industry, and I remove my clothes in public only occasionally.
However, anyone who has been on the net for over 8 years should recall
me being labelled as the Usenet's first extra-terrestrial, and several
of my postings were to that effect.
Thus, I'm not sure if I'm still qualified for such an exalted
position. Then again, maybe that gives me an advantage of some
additional perspective.
Hmm, I wonder if the University news service would want to know about
this? I wonder if I need to get the dean's approval to engage in this
activity? (They have to approve all my positions as committee chair
and editor for other ogranizations, so this may be similar.) Note
that my contract with Purdue University states that I can't serve in
any capacity against the state of Indiana (e.g., expert consultant in
a lawsuit). Thus, if aliens demanded to colonize Muncie in return for
not invading Earth, or wanted to impregnate all the mammals in Fort
Wayne, I would be in a conflict of interest situation. I think it
only fair to state that up front. (However, if the aliens wanted to
vaporize Gary or especially Bloomington, that might be arranged.)
If it is necessary for me to travel off-planet, can I get frequent
flier miles? Can my wife accompany me for half-fare? Not that these
are requirements, mind you, but they sure can make a difference if I
have to travel a lot. I mean, my wife would probably have a fit even
if I only went as far as Barnard's Star and then tried to call home
collect. It would be much easier to just take her along. However,
she probably wouldn't be up for any kind of party involving live
refreshments or particpants with tentacles, so if that was a required
diplomatic kind of event, I'm not sure what I'd decide to do. Plus,
I'm not sure she'd be interested in social events at the breeding
pits. Perhaps you can elect Cindy Crawford as my deputy, and we just
won't tell my wife? Hmm, that probably isn't a stellar example of
honesty, but then again, you want a Spokesman who can bluff a little
if it's for the good of Earth, eh?
Let's see....as far as qualifications go, I've had most of my shots,
these are my own teeth, I currently live and work on Earth, and I can
definitely speak. I'm not sure if there are other qualifications, but
I'm sure you'll let me know if more information is needed.
Any idea where I'd list this on my vita? Would it help me get tenure?
------------------------------
Date: 20 Sep 92 17:28:59 +0000
From: Nigel.Allen@bbs.oit.unc.edu (Nigel Allen)
Subject: thoughts on UPC codes, from misc.legal
I don't know whether the author of the following post was being
serious, but here it is anyway:
> Article 30155 (210 more) in misc.legal:
> Subject: MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T bar-code$
> Message-ID: <32631@adm.brl.mil>
> Date: 17 Sep 92 21:05:58 GMT
> Sender: news@adm.brl.mil
> Lines: 29
THE "MARK OF THE BEA$T"
ALL Christians are PROHIBITED by Revelation 14:9-11 from
cooperating with the "MARK-OF-THE-BEA$T" bar-code, OCR-
number, and magnetic-strip scanning systems, (as found in
local libraries, supermarkets, retail establishments, etc.),
which also THREATEN to SUBVERT Individual Privacy and
Freedom.
The scanners can serve THE SAME CRIMINAL PURPOSE as the
TV cameras in the book "1984"!
The UPC bar-codes are probably the most blatant form of
the "MARK OF THE BEA$T" so far, with the "NUMBER OF THE
BEA$T", 666, ALREADY CODED INTO THEM. Each of the so-called
"guard patterns", pairs of thin lines spaced close together
at the beginning, middle, and end of each full-length UPC
bar-code, is IDENTICAL to one of the two codes for a 6.
WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
IMPORTANT Information is ENCOURAGED.
Robert E. McElwaine
------- Message 2
Date: 20 Sep 92 19:14:38 +0000
From: pjm@cshl.org (Pat Monardo)
Subject: Re: thoughts on UPC codes, from misc.legal
hmm, i wonder what would happen if i told the checkout girl
to please not use the scanner for my purchases. she would
probably turn into a snarling demon and say "then you can't
shop here, mister Christian".
- --
- -- Pat Monardo
- -- pjm@cshl.org
------- End of Forwarded Messages
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 92 08:29:53 PDT
From: John_-_Winston@cup.portal.com
Subject: UFO/alien themes in movies
Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy
It seems that Keith is on to something here. It is my opinion that the
government is going about a thing called Operation Awareness in which
they are trying to spoon feed us a little bit of the truth and see how
we react to it. They made a deal with the Greys and now want out of it.
Many years ago the space people were shown as monsters and out to get us.
The next thing they did was to paint them as being nice little guys like
the movie E. T. Now they are telling the truth in the TV movie The
Intruders.
The good guys are still out there and we're still fooling around with a
bunch of Greys who are abducting our people and not bringing some of them
back. I've got one small suggestion; tear up the contract with the Greys
ask the good guys (like the silver fleet from Mt. Shasta, or Don Showen's
friend's from the Pleiades or the Ashtar Command) to come in and make the
Greys leave. The good guys want to do it but are held back because the
Greys say they have a contract with us.
At the present time we are being soft-soaped through commercials to get
us to liking the space people and that does to me seem good.
John Winston.
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End of Yucks Digest
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