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Yucks Digest V2 #46 (Mixed length items)
Yucks Digest Thu, 3 Sep 92 Volume 2 : Issue 46
Today's Topics:
A definate handicap
anonymous bilingual pun (english and Chemistry)
Blade Runner reedited release
Boom (seen on rec.food.drink)
Crank Call, true
Dear Abby Letter
e-mail address in published papers
Funnies for Yucks
Green transport?
Its out!
More on Woody Allen
pad those seats, guys
Republican Dance Music
REVIEW: PUSSBUCKET
The Cat In the Hat
Yucks Digest V2 #43
yucks on Fabrikant
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 3 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: KXH105@psuvm.psu.edu (Ken Hornstein (814) 867-8002)
Subject: A definate handicap
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The other day I was using the ATM machine at my bank, and I noticed that
they upgraded the ATM machine to include Braile buttons. I thought, "Gee
I'm glad my bank is willing to spend a little extra money to help out people
who are blind". Then I realized:
This was a drive-thru ATM machine.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 92 11:03:22 EDT
Subject: anonymous bilingual pun (english and Chemistry)
To: Yucks-request
What is:
O
C-C-C-O-/|\
|
/ \
>
Answer:
A Propyl-People Ether
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 9:44:47 EDT
From: "Jonathan Trudel" <jdt@bugs.rmd.com>
Subject: Blade Runner reedited release
To: eniac
[This is in response to an on-going discussion about the
new release of the movie. --spaf]
>Oh, yeah, and Rutger never gets to do all those clever Guiness
>commercials and "dogs head on a stick" and blind swordsman films.
Maybe Rutger Hauer wouldn't have been stuck making Cobra, and Harrison
Ford would be typecast as a hack starring in Indiana Jones and the
Temple of Lost Lederhosen, and Edward James Olmos would never have
taught Calculus, and the guy who said "He say you Brade Runner." would
have won an Best Supporting Actor Oscar by now. That, and Joanna
Cassidy would be doing porno.
The Blood of Heros is the dog head game movie, and When I saw it in
the theatres I was ready to pull my eyes out (it got a lot better
halfway through, though, so I pulled my friend's eyes out instead).
[This is why I don't go out to movies much anymore.... --spaf]
------------------------------
From: "Sendhil Revuluri" <revu@midway.uchicago.edu>
Subject: Boom (seen on rec.food.drink)
Newsgroups: rec.food.drink
Note to holders of the following wine....
French Creek Cellars (Washington State)
1990 Muscat Cannelli
Because of a bottling problem, these wines are starting to explode in
storage. If you have any of this vintage, drink it now (if it hasn't
already exploded :-).
The wine will go into a second fermentation which will cause excessive
bubbling and eventual explosion of the cork and contents (A friend is
still cleaning their cellar). If the bottle is intact, the wine is
still good and should be drunk immediately.
For refunds on this vintage, you may contact the following person
after 9/3/92 (currently on vacation) ....
Bob Nickerson 206 - 486 - 1900
------------------------------
Date: 1 Sep 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: infoserv!gobears!gobears@apple (Larry Lopez)
Subject: Crank Call, true
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
There are two popular Disc jockeys in the San Jose(CA) area
called Lamont & Tonelli. They frequently make crank calls to
husbands, wives, bosses, and friends as part of their morning
show. Last Thursday, a woman, whose husband had several unpaid
traffic tickets, told Lamont & Tonelli to make a crank call to
him and get him worried about the tickets. The call went like
this:
<ring> <ring>
husband: Hello.
Lamont: Hi, we're calling today with an informal survey from
Psychology Today. If you answer the questions in the
survey, you'll receive a free one-year subscription to
the magazine. Would you like to participate?
Husband: Well, I'm kind of in a hurry, well ok.
Lamont: Ok, the first question is: Can you tell us something that
you've done that you feel really guilty about?
Husband: Well, I can't really think of anything, uhmm, I do have
a few tickets that I haven't paid for, uhmm, I also cheated
on my wife once.
Lamont: Uh-oh<click>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 12:33:39 -0400
From: epstein@golden.wcupa.edu (richard g. epstein)
Subject: Dear Abby Letter
To: spaf
Dear Abby:
In 1988, George Bush said that if I voted for Dukakis, the
economy would go to hell, crime would go up, and the
deficit would grow. Bush was right. I voted for Dukakis
and the economy went to hell, crime went up, and the
deficit went out of sight.
Should I make the same mistake and vote for Clinton or
have I learned my lesson?
- Torn in Toledo
Dear Torn:
Don't do anything. Don't vote. You are obviously a
very dangerous person. If you hadn't voted for Dukakis
we wouldn't be in this mess. I suggest you hide under
your bed until the economy improves.
- Abby
------------------------------
From: ilan@leland.Stanford.EDU (ilan vardi)
Subject: e-mail address in published papers
Newsgroups: sci.math
In article <BtHpGM.FoG@watserv1.uwaterloo.ca>
|I just got the proofs for a paper that will appear in the journal
|Graphs and Combinatorics, and they have removed the e-mail address
|I included in my typeset draft.
|This has happened on more than one occasion. What is the rationale
|behind this? How can we convince editors to stop doing this?
|Jeff Shallit (shallit@graceland.uwaterloo.ca)
|University of Waterloo
If this keeps happening I suggest getting your name legally changed to
shallit@graceland.uwaterloo.ca. This might pose some other problems
though. For example, it's unclear if the DMV has the ``@'' symbol to
put on your driver's license.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 03 Sep 92 16:16:54 EST
From: Kathy Heaphy <HEAPHY@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU>
Subject: Funnies for Yucks
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
(from the Sept. 1992 issue of Washington Journalism Review)
Winning Headlines
Jerry tells Mick: Get off my cloud (USA Today)
Whole World Isn't Watching the Convention (Wall Street Journal)
Scoring Headline
Study: Sex may help Olympians go all the way (Boston Herald)
Strange Political Bedfellows
Sen. Hatch deserves thanks for beating off Metzenbaum
(Greensboro, North Carolina, News & Record)
Department of Poor Prognosticating
Fed-up Rep. Luken not ready to quit (Cincinnati Post, Metro
Edition, Monday, June 29)
Charles Luken won't run for re-election (Cincinnati Post,
Final Edition, same day)
Wedding Bell Blues
>From the Fairplay, Colorado, Flume: Debra McLean is seeking
disillusionment of marriage from Gregory McLean.
Bridal party to be shot downtown (Colony Memorial, Plymouth,
Massachusetts)
Say Again?
Multiple Personalities -- Two Views (Washington Post)
Chicken broth and spaniel prove a splendid cold cure
(Richmond, Virginia, Times-Dispatch/News-Leader)
[For some reason, that one is by far my favorite. --spaf]
Correction of the Month
>From the Hollywood Reporter: "In the...listing for Claster
Television's `Stunt Dawgs,' the performers were listed as
canine. They are human."
------------------------------
Date: 31 Aug 92 16:46:19 GMT
From: adrian@cs.hw.ac.uk (Adrian Hurt)
Subject: Green transport?
Newsgroups: uk.misc
In article <2876@ucl-cs.uucp> G.Joly@cs.ucl.ac.uk (Gordon Joly) writes:
>Geoff Lane writes:
> > In article <1992Aug18.100953.20720@spectrum.xerox.com> hdavies@rx.xerox.com writes:
> > > And particulate carbon is carcinogenic.
> >
> > Isn't everything ?
>
>Is H O ?
> 2
No, but it can be dangerous if inhaled. Despite this, it is left around
unprotected in public places. Here is why.
H H H H H H
| | | | | |
H-C-C-C-OH H-C-C-OH H-C-OH H-OH
| | | | | |
H H H H H H
Propyl Ethyl Methyl Lethal
alcohol alcohol alcohol alcohol
This display of the sequence of alcohols, showing what happens if you
remove one carbon atom and two hydrogen atoms too many, proves that
water is an intoxicating substance. Are you addicted to it, or can
you go for a whole year without using the stuff?
If you've watched the James Bond film "Live and Let Die", you'll know
how the villain intended to increase the rate of addiction to drugs by
giving them away free, which would also drive other marketers out of
business; the villain would then have a monopoly on the trade, and
would be able to charge what he liked. Note how the government intends
to do exactly the same with water - first give it away so we all become
addicted, then privatise the supply so we have to pay for it.
You may also want to investigate the links between the concentrated form
(the so-called "heavy water") and nuclear weapons.
The only way to break the addiction is to use one of the other alcohols
instead. Ethyl alcohol is generally regarded as a suitable substitute, and
is not as addictive as water. The government, of course, has recognised
this threat to its plot, and has imposed heavy penalties for the use of
ethyl alcohol, i.e. large taxes on it. Nonetheless, the only way to
fight the government's evil plot is to drink ethyl alcohol instead of
water, and try to break the addiction.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Sep 92 11:23:25 PDT
From: Mike Spitzer <mjs@sequent.com>
Subject: Its out!
BTW, Did you hear about the Texas Cowboy?
He bought a dachshund because someone told him to "get a long little
doggy".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 08:30:26 PDT
From: legs!donna@uunet.UU.NET (Donna Lantello)
Subject: More on Woody Allen
To: uunet!cs.purdue.edu!spaf@uunet.UU.NET
My friends in Hollywood tell me that Woody is thinking about doing a
television series this fall. Some of titles that are currently in
the running are:
Family Affair
Married To Children
Eight Is Old Enough
The Courtship Of Woody's Daughter
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 92 11:50:19 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: pad those seats, guys
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
The following is reprinted w/o permission
from the Consumers Union New Digest for
December 1, 1989:
IMPOTENT BIKERS: CHECK THE SEAT "If you have an impotence problem
and are a serious cyclist, take note of this University of Southern
California finding. Its study found that repeated bike pedaling can
bang the groin on the seat and damage critical nerves and arteries
related to sexual performance. A hard narrow seat, long distances,
and a lean body will make the damage worse, says principal researcher
Dr. Harin Padma Nathan. His advice? Both padded biking shorts and a
large or U-shaped padded bike seat. Rise off the seat occasionally,
especially when sprinting, and position the seat so you don't have to
shift your body on the downstroke."
[Of course, you must remember to use a seat or you will have even
worse problems than this. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Aug 1992 15:37:11 -0700
From: [Name lost in editing]
Subject: Republican Dance Music
Newsgroups: sun.music
After the Wynonna Judd debacle at the Republican Convention (thousands
of white people clapping out of beat to a disconcerted Judd singing
"Why not me?") many commentators, columnists and political pundits have
been knocking white Republicans about their inability to dance. These
knocks are pretty much the same:
>Most Entertaining Part of the Republican Convention:
>Watching an auditorium full of white people make idiots out of
>themselves, trying to keep time to Waynona Judd.
This is a politically incorrect viewpoint and an offense to all fair
minded Americans. LeVon Lee's ground breaking article in the Journal
of Endocrinolgy titled "White Republican Dancing: Genetics or
Culture?" found that this type of arhythmic movement to popular music
is perceived by 9 out of 10 white Republicans as "funky."
Lee suggests that the rhythmically challenged be presented more
prosodic and metrical forms of music, e.g. polkas, before graduating up
to more complex rhythmic forms such as the aforementioned Wynonna
Judd. Lee maintains that with our patience and committment, these
people are "even capable of dancing to the Republo-Latin beats of
Gloria Estefan." Tragically though, he notes that the Pointer Sisters
and Michael Jackson are far beyond their primitive capabilities. "We
must foster an atmosphere of tolerence and understanding for these
people," he said. In short, Lee calls for nothing less than a
full-scale rhythmic affirmative action program.
In support of this program I have submitted the following song to Rich
Bond of the Republican National Committee:
THE KENNEBUNKPORT HILLBILLY
(sung to the Beverly Hillbillies)
Let me tell you bout a story bout a man named Bush
A rich Yale Grad whose life was always cush
But then one day as he ran for chief exec
He hung Willie Horton 'round Mike Dukakis neck
Crime that is. Black Gold. Texas Tee...
Well the next thing you know ole George is president
But he chose Dan Quayle to his party's great lament
He named Clarence Thomas to be Justice of his Court
And he pissed off the women with an Afro-Robert Bork
No choice that is. Back in the kitchen! Cookies...
Well 4 years later his campaign is on the rocks
He said don't they know how I bombed 'em in Iraq!
Now he blames all his problems on a congress he abhors
And the voters tell the polls they want Clinton and Gore.
Bill that is. Sax playing white boy. Uppity wife. And no Perot...
------------------------------
Date: 31 Aug 92 18:05:46 GMT
From: blj@mithrandir.cs.unh.edu (Brian L. Johnson)
Subject: REVIEW: PUSSBUCKET
Newsgroups: rec.arts.movies.reviews
[I can't wait for this to make it to cable. But..."based on a
Broadway musical"??? --spaf]
105 min., not yet rated, Horror/Musical, 1991, Black & White
Director: Lisa Houle
Cast: Terrence Fleming, Eric Hammer, Brian Sullivan, Gina Cammarota,
Madeline Virbasius, Walter Prince, Ultra Lavish, Evelyn Rosa,
Onyx Coale, Dion, Steve Green, Steven Deal
Two religious maniacs, Judas (played by Terrence Fleming) and
Corned Beef (played by Eric Hammer), are visited by two aliens, Madeline
Virbasius and Dion. Virbasius, dressed as the Virgin Mary, tells the
two to kill people for Jesus and to drain the puss from their heads and
bring it back to them. Fleming and Hammer set out to bring "the Virgin
Mary" back as much puss back as possible in a bucket (hence the title).
I was lucky enough to see an advance showing of this film from
somebody who was involved in its production. PUSSBUCKET is based on the
Broadway musical and is done by Blessed Elysium Productions. It is
going to be distributed by Film Threat Video, and I don't know when it
will be made available. PUSSBUCKET, which is currently not rated, I
expect will end up with an R rating. On a scale of zero to five, I give
PUSSBUCKET a three (with reservations). PUSSBUCKET contains explicit
language, adult situations, and violence (it actually contains one scene
of graphic violence with a prosthetic breast, but it is so obviously
fake, it don't count it).
PUSSBUCKET is an interesting grade Z film. It is shot in grainy
black and white and is obviously an amateur production with a *very* low
budget. I think the biggest problems with the film are: it is
amateurishly filmed with a lot of jerky motions; a lot of close-ups that
end up going too close; and the film is about half an hour too long.
Other than that PUSSBUCKET is an interesting film that will reward the
patient viewer with some wonderful moments.
Two parts of the film that were particularly good was the
television evangelist, Steve Green, with his 1-900-DIAL GOD number, and
the news anchor man, Steven Deal. The songs in the film, what few there
are, are great. Unfortunately it doesn't look like all the songs from
the Broadway show made it into this film (I haven't seen the Broadway
show, but I only remember three songs from the film, and I am sure the
Broadway musical contained more than that).
Unfortunately for the film, some of the scenes are so badly
photographed and the sound is so poor that it is unclear what is going
on and that drags the film down. I don't recommend this film for
everybody, but only those with an open mind and a taste for the bizarre.
I don't know what the release availability of this film is going to be.
If it comes to your video store for a cheap enough rate, you might be
interested in trying it.
------------------------------
From: erikm@microsoft.com (Erik Madsen)
Subject: The Cat In the Hat
Newsgroups: rec.humor:
_The Cat in the Hat_
by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry
in which the author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and
bold imagery of some of his earlier works, most notably _Green
Eggs and Ham_, _If I Ran the Zoo_, and _Why Can't I Shower With
Mommy?_ In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing under the
pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud
in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young
children understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister,
abandoned by their mother, staring mournfully through the
window of their single-family dwelling. In the foreground, a
large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in the wind, taunting
the children and encouraging them to succumb to the sexual
yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the
most unlearned reader, the blatant references to the
incestuous relationship the two share set the tone for Seuss's
probing examination of the satisfaction of primitive needs.
The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging in
what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point,
the fish, an obvious Christ figure who represents the
prevailing Christian morality, attempts to warn the children,
and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of the dangers
associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In
response to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic
naysayer on the end of his umbrella, essentially saying,
"Down with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged
Christ figure, the Cat begins to juggle several icons of
Western culture, most notably two books, representing the Old
and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid, an ironic
reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when
their mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic
Id adds to this bold gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus
completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's
box, a large red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One,
or Freud's concept of Ego, the division of the psyche that
serves as the conscious mediator between the person and
reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward
and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience,
and guilt. Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at
this trick. Take a look!" In this, Dr. Seuss uses the
children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader, and asks the
reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego
allow these creatures to run free and mess up the house, or
more symbolically, control their lives. This rampage
continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns that the
mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that
existed before her abandonment of the children. At this
point, Seuss introduces a many-armed cleaning device which
represents the psychoanalytic couch, which proceeds to put
the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces
Freud's concepts on the dynamics of the human psyche to an
easily understood gesture. Mr. Seuss' poetry and choice of
words is equally impressive and serves as a splendid
counterpart to his bold symbolism. In all, his writing style
is quick and fluid, making _The Cat in the Hat_ impossible to
put down. While this novel is 61 pages in length, and one
can read it in five minutes or less, it is not until after
multiple readings that the genius of this modern day master
becomes apparent.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1992 12:46:50 -0400
From: PTomblin@gvc.com (Paul Tomblin)
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #43
To: cs.purdue.edu!spaf@uunet.ca (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
Arthur Kreitman wrote:
> It has to do with the number of lines of code you're born with. Everyone
> is born with a certain number of working lines of code. After you write that
> last one, you can NEVER write another line of code that works. Some are
> born with more, some with less. But the number is fixed at birth. You can't
> buy, steal, or borrow any. By 35 or so, most people have run out of working
> lines of code.
Does this mean that people who program in really terse languages like APL
last longer than COBOL programmers?
I can see COBOL leading to burn-out, but I thought it was just the
incredible monotony of programming insurance systems that did it.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 92 13:56:09 EDT
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: yucks on Fabrikant
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Well, I just fingered fabrikant@vax2.concordia.ca and got
?Sorry, could not find "FABRIKANT"
Somehow, I now anticipate a post from Carl M. Kadie on comp.admin.policy
about the evils of suspending someone's account just because they lost
tenure and went on a shooting spree.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 92 09:39:57 EST
From: Scott Dorsey <kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov>
To: osc!stupid@uunet.UU.NET
/* @(#)idprom.h 1.18 90/06/29 SMI */
[...various unfunny bits deleted....]
/*
* All possible values of the id_machine field (so far):
*/
#define IDM_SUN2_MULTI 1 /* Machine type for Multibus CPU brd */
#define IDM_SUN2_VME 2 /* Machine type for VME CPU board */
#define IDM_SUN3_CARRERA 0x11 /* Carrera CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3_M25 0x12 /* M25 CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3_SIRIUS 0x13 /* Sirius CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3_PRISM 0x14 /* Prism CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3_F 0x17 /* Sun3F CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3_E 0x18 /* Sun3E CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4 0x21 /* Sparc CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4_COBRA 0x22 /* Cobra CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4_STINGRAY 0x23 /* Stingray CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4_SUNRAY 0x24 /* Sunray CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3X_PEGASUS 0x41 /* Pegasus CPU */
#define IDM_SUN3X_HYDRA 0x42 /* Hydra CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4C 0x51 /* Campus CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4C_60 0x51 /* Campus-1 CPU */
#define IDM_SUN4C_40 0x52 /* Reserve some names */
#define IDM_SUN4C_65 0x53 /* That we might do */
#define IDM_SUN4C_20 0x54 /* It might be bigger */
#define IDM_SUN4C_75 0x55 /* It might be smaller */
#define IDM_SUN4C_30 0x56 /* It might be faster */
#define IDM_SUN4C_50 0x57 /* It might be slower */
#define IDM_SUN4C_70 0x58 /* It might cost more */
#define IDM_SUN4C_80 0x59 /* It might cost less */
#define IDM_SUN4C_10 0x5a /* It might sell well */
#define IDM_SUN4C_45 0x5b /* And then it might not */
#define IDM_SUN4C_05 0x5c /* It might be pink */
#define IDM_SUN4C_85 0x5d /* It might be blue */
#define IDM_SUN4C_32 0x5e /* I certainly don't know */
#define IDM_SUN4C_HIKE 0x5f /* Do you? */
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------