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Yucks Digest V2 #45 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 30 Aug 92 Volume 2 : Issue 45
Today's Topics:
Alternative hotels for LISA conference
BETTER Pick-up lines
cat behavior problems
for yucks
George Bush says he should not be re-elected
Hereditary diseases
Olympic Events not included in PPV TripleCast
Opening lines...
Out of the mouths of babes!
Praise Bob!
rec.humor.funny: Sri Lankan arrested for carrying condom (true story)
re Top Cog fan belts
Schroedinger's Computer
Should these researchers get a life?
Submission: Top Ten Worst Things To Hear (or Say) in the Bedroom
They didn't like paying extra for the Midway?
vestectomy
Woody Allen
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 26 Aug 92 19:27:31 GMT
From: scs@iti.org (Steve Simmons)
Subject: Alternative hotels for LISA conference
Newsgroups: comp.org.usenix
[...forget the article, I just liked the quote in the signature. --spaf]
"If life were fair, the acquisition of a large bosom or a massive inheritance
would have no bearing on your ability to attract the opposite sex, and Dan
Quayle would be making a living asking runny-nosed children, `Do you want
fries with that?'" -- John Cleese, "Corporate Computing" magazine
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 14:21:58 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: BETTER Pick-up lines
To: yucks
DAN GREENBURG'S 7 BEST LINES FOR PICKING UP GIRLS:
1. My aunt died and left me six million dollars with the stipulation that
I find a wife by Friday. Would you like to have a drink?
2. Excuse me, do you happen to know where they're holding the Sexual Olympics
this year? I'm a finalist in the 9-hour freestyle multi-orgasm event.
3. President and Mrs. Bush would like the pleasure of your company at
dinner, and they've asked me to escort you.
4. I'm Robert Redford and I'm wearing a disguise so I won't be recognized.
May I buy you a drink?
5. Pardon me, but I think I might have once been married to you.
6. I have evidence that we were lovers in a previous life.
7. I have a .357 Smith & Wesson pointed at your pancreas. Would you
like to come have coffee with me?
[For some reason, this reminded me of one of my favorite entries in
the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest:
"'Cha, cha, cha!' I whispered merrily in Mary Ellen's ear, as I
escorted her stiff and lifeless body around the dance floor, proud of
the envy I aroused in the fellows who had always dreamed of being this
close to the once vibrant cheerleader, but more than a little ashamed
of the means I had to use to get this date."
Yes, I'm a sick puppy. (More of these were in Yucks in 1990. Ask
the server daemon to send you file 129.) --spaf
]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 20:47:00 -0700
From: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Patricia O Tuama)
Subject: cat behavior problems
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
from the 9/92 Cat Fancy:
Behavior Hotlines
If you need help coping with a feline behavior problem, you can call
the following hot lines for professional advice tailored to your needs.
The services are not intended to replace proper veterinary care for
your cats but simply to offer additional information.
. The Camuti Feline Consultation and Diagnostic Service of
the Cornell University Feline Health Center: 800/KITTY-DR.
Open from 9 am to 12 pm and from 2 pm to 4 pm EST, Monday
through Friday (except holidays). You will be charged a
$25 fee (payable by MasterCard, VISA or Discover) to help
cover the cost of the service
. Pet Lovers Helpline: 900/776-0007 (touch-tone phones only).
Callers hear prerecorded information from Jim Humphries DVM
host of the television show "Dr Jim's Animal Clinic." The
service is available 24 hours/day, seven days/week. Mes-
sages are three to five minutes long and cost 97c/minute.
. San Francisco Society for the Prevention of Cruelty Animals:
415/554-3075. A voice-mail system accepts calls 24 hours/
day. The hotline is staffed by volunteer behaviorists who
will respond to your cat's problem with written information
within 24 hours and with a personal call within 48 hours.
The service is free.
. Tree House Animal Foundation: 312/784-5488. Trained counse-
lors answer questions about people and their pets seven days/
week from 9 am to 5 pm CST. The foundation also sends print-
ed information to callers. You pay no fee other than the
long distance charges incurred for the phone call.
. University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine:
215/898-3347. Leave a message on the answering machine and
a volunteer veterinarian or veterinary school student will
return your call. The service is free.
[Unfortunately, since I got this mail, our cats have been running our
phone bill up calling Dr. Jim and the Tree House people. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 92 11:32:37 EST
From: "Steve Chapin" <sjc>
Subject: for yucks
To: spaf
[ In reference to the professor of Mechanical Engineering at Concordia
University, who went on a shooting spree after being denied tenure.
He was engaged in a lawsuit against the dean of his school and the
head of his department at the time of his rampage. He killed two,
wounded three, and then was subdued and disarmed by one of the two
people he took as hostages. ]
This is the output from fingering Dr. Fabrikant's account:
[ccyfk56@vax2.concordia.ca]
CCYFK56 V. Fabrikant CCYFK56 not logged in
Last login Mon 24-Aug-92 1:23PM-EDT
[No plan]
There's his problem. He didn't keep the six P's in mind: Piss Poor
Planning Prevents Proper Performance. Let this be a lesson to all the
assistant professors out there: when battling for tenure, make a
complete list of victims, and keep an eye on those hostages!
[I made my list *long* ago.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 19 Aug 92 04:30:04 EDT
From: jgro@netcom.com (Jeremy G)
Subject: George Bush says he should not be re-elected
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A notable recent quote from George Bush:
"Eight years is too long for anyone to go without skills or purpose."
[George has been taking rhetoric lessons from Dan Quayle --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 24 Aug 92 08:30:03 GMT
From: HBLAD106@UCONNVM.UCONN.EDU ( Fred Rick)
Subject: Hereditary diseases
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
To: Personnel
Medical Records
Re: Family Medical History
My supervisor told me you would like an explanation of the
hereditary diseases plaguing my family. I hope you find this of
interest.
My family suffers from a variety of inherited eating disorders.
The two most common afflictions are:
1. FATAREXIA NERVOSA: The fear of not being fat enough.
You weigh 400 lbs., look in the mirror and cry, "My God! I'm
wasting away!, I'm just not fat enough Quick! The twinkies!!" --
Almost all of my relatives are fatarexics.
I am not fatarexic, I suffer from a rarer eating disorder:
2. The AMNESIAC BULEMIC SYNDROME: I binge and then forget to
purge afterwards.
For example, after eating half a cow, a 10lb. bag of potatoes,
three cases of devil dogs, two gallons of Yoo-hoo and a bowl of
jello (there's always room for jello) -- a typical
breakfast, I sit down, dazed, staring at my fingers, looking
towards the bathroom.
I say to myself, "I know there's something I should be doing now,
what is it?" After several minutes in a state of confusion, I
give up and call Domino's (they may be reactionary chauvanist
pigs, but they take VISA).
I hope this information proves to be of use. By the way,
the Weight Watchers class you recommended is right down the block
from a great pizzeria...
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 92 16:53:14 EDT
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: Olympic Events not included in PPV TripleCast
To: yucks-request
Mine Field Hockey
Full-Contact Badminton
Whitewater Polo
Tropical Storm Yachting
Shallow-Pool High-Diving
Armand Hammer Throw
Synchronized Drowning
Equestrian Pole Vault
Burning Floor Exercise
400 M Invisible Hurdles
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 92 09:45:20 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Opening lines...
To: yucks
17 WORST OPENING LINES
In 1981 psychologist Chris Kleinke, author of "First Impressions: The
Psychology of Encountering Others", conducted a study of opening lines
used by men when meeting women. He polled 300 college students in
California and Massachusetts, asking them to list opening lines used
in general situations as well as bars, restaurants, supermarkets, laun-
dramats, and beaches. Kleinke then asked 1,000 college students, also
from California and Massachusetts, to rate the 100 most frequently cited
opening lines on a 7-point scale ranging from "excellent" to "terrible".
According to Kleinke's study, the following openings should not be used
if you want to impress a woman. [Oops! At least this explains it. My
collection of the 17 BEST opening lines is this exact list! jw]
General Situations
1. Is that really your hair?
2. You remind me of a woman I used to date.
3. Your place or mine?
Bars
4. (Looking at a woman's jewelry) Wow, it looks like you robbed
Woolworth's.
5. Bet I can outdrink you.
6. I play the field, and I think I just hit a home run with you.
Restaurants
7. I bet the cherries jubilee isn't as sweet as you are.
8. If this food doesn't kill us, the bill will.
Supermarkets
9. Do you really eat that junk?
10. You shouldn't buy that. It's full of cholesterol.
11. Is your bread fresh?
Laundramats
12. A man shouldn't have to wash his own clothes.
13. Those are some nice undies you have there.
14. I'll wash your clothes if you wash mine.
Beaches
15. Did you notice me throwing that football? Good arm, huh?
16. Let me see your strap marks.
17. Want to stroke with me?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 14:23:22 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Out of the mouths of babes!
To: yucks
What Exactly Is Marriage??
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have
to give her back to her parents!"
-Eric, 6
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might
propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for
a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get
divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.'
Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is
and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find
out."
-Anita, 9
How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry??
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and
tails means you try the next one."
-Kally, 9
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's
what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall
and handsome."
-Carolyn, 8
Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married.
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to
work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving
each other in your bedroom."
-Carolyn, 8
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find
me a wife!"
-Bert, 5
How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet??
"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then
they went for a drive, but their car broke down....
It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to
find out about their values."
-Lottie, 9
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother.
They won't tell me what kind."
-Jeremy, 8
What Do Most People Do on a Date??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go for a
second date."
-Martin, 10
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and
talk about love."
-Craig, 9
When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough
bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
-Allan, 10
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big
embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody
sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome
boy, but just for a few hours."
-Kally, 9
The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married??
"You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan!"
-Kirsten, 10
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys.
Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Anita, 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm
just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Will, 7
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 92 19:16:38 EST
From: trinkle
Subject: Praise Bob!
To: bob
Seen in the Chicago Reader "Matches: Men Seeking Women" section:
SUBGENIUS MUTANT WANTS neophilic posthuman female ally in the
endless quest for slack. The crazed skeletons of weasels
killed while in coitus scurry frantically inside my hollow
skull. They want to frolic with your necrotic totems and I
want to meet you. No malalligned normals please! Hail
discordia! Praise "Bob!"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 92 15:31:24 EDT
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: rec.humor.funny: Sri Lankan arrested for carrying condom (true story)
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
>Reported in the Denver Post (May 9th, 1992)
>Colombo. Sri Lanka- Police in Sri Lanka arrested a man after finding a condom
>in his wallet, a newspaper reported yesterday. The arrest prompted the medical
>director of the Family Planning Association, Sriyani Basnayake, to write a
>letter to the police advising them that "condoms are not a security threat".
>But the police were skeptical.
>
>"Why would anyone want to carry a condom in his wallet, unless of course he
>was upto some mischief?" the state owned Daily News quoted a police officer
>as saying.
Well, that simplifies the vacation choices a bit.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 92 13:13:23 -0400
From: hosking@osf.org
Subject: re Top Cog fan belts
To: hinz@picard.med.ge.com
Re your posting about the 'stop engine before changing fan belt'
warning, I couldn't be happier to see it. It's about time they started
putting warnings on more things!!!
I'm still recovering from the times I tried to use a Brillo pad on my
blender's blades while it was running, sharpen my lawn mower blade at full
throttle, clean out ear wax with a fire extinguisher, grab a
piece of bone that was stuck in the meat grinder before it fell
in too far, take the rust off my circular saw blade with a piece
of sandpaper as the blade was slowing down, drill holes in my
TV picture tube for a mounting bracket, boil some eggs in my
car's radiator, and used my butane lighter to check for leaks in
a natural gas line I'd extended. I started to write a really nasty
letter to my congresscritter, but was interrupted by a mysterious
explosion in the kitchen. I don't understand it. I'd been in there
just five minutes before to check on the progress of my attempts to
boil the water out of some bad gasoline I bought, and everything was
just fine at the time. I can't imagine what happened.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 92 11:12:28 CDT
From: John Riedl <riedl@cs.umn.edu>
Subject: Schroedinger's Computer
To: spaf
Matt Crawford writes:
> The Copenhagen interpretation of the act of observation is the "collapse
> of the wave function" -- out of many possibilities, one is randomly selected
> as real.
>
> The Many-Worlds interpretation of observation is the inducement of a
> correlation between the measurement device (or the experimenter) and
> the system observed.
>
> Under this interpretation, the user of a quantum-parallel computer
> system would enter an indeterminate state, to be joined there by all
> audiences to whom he communicated the results.
That sounds very much like what happens when people are first
introduced to UNIX. And no wonder: their first command is 'cat'.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Aug 92 08:44:35 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Should these researchers get a life?
To: yucks
Excerpted from a Harper's Index excerpt in the September '92 issue
of Funny Times:
> Days it would take to exhaust H. Ross Perot's fortune if it were
used to pay the INTEREST on the federal deficit: 5.7.
> Ratio of the number of home buyers in Orange County, California
last year named Smith to those named Nguyen: 1:2.
> Number of countries that have issued at least one Elvis Presley
postage stamp: 13.
> Bonus the Chinese government pays selected scholars and scientists
each month to discourage emigration: $20.
> Percentage of French women who do not view being asked to undress
for a job interview as sexual harassment: 20.
> Number of subscribers to Surfer Magazine who live in Saudi Arabia: 2.
> Average percentage change in the GNP during each 4-year Democratic
administration since 1949: plus 20.
> Average percentage change in the GNP during each 4-year Republican
administration since 1949: minus 9.
> Percentage of Fortune 500 CEO's who say they will vote for Bush
in November: 78.
> Years it would take a Nike worker in Indonesia to earn Michael
Jordan's endorsement fee: 44,492.
> Number of extra dancers a Houston topless bar hired during the
Republican Convention: 20.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 30 Aug 92 04:48:03 PDT
From: sbs@ciara.frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Submission: Top Ten Worst Things To Hear (or Say) in the Bedroom
To: spaf
Written by the usual suspects: Amber "Too Tall" Luttrell, Gary "Sluggo"
Ross, moi.
Top Ten Worst Things To Hear (or Say) in the Bedroom
10. "So, that's what one of those looks like."
9. "I *specifically* requested a blonde."
8. "O Great Lord Satan, please accept this offering."
7. "Would you hand me my cellular phone?"
6. "Just watch. The mermaids dance when I roll my stomach."
5. "Do you mind if my invisible pal joins us?"
4. "Wonder twins, unite!"
3. "That reminds me, I should really clean my bathroom--it's disgusting!"
2. "We're married in God's eyes."
1. "What a dick."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 92 9:23:21 CDT
From: Rob Knauerhase <knauer@cs.uiuc.edu>
Subject: They didn't like paying extra for the Midway?
To: spaf
This year, the Ohio State Fair began charging for midway rides. ClariNet's
newsgroup for brief Ohio-related stories contained this surprising fact:
>Ohio State Fair officials say more than three-point-four people
>attended this year's exposition... Three percent more than last year.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 92 10:52:03 EST
From: Christopher <CHWALKER@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: vestectomy
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>> would you say that a vestectomy is an operation a
>> person undergoes? or one that a man undergoes?
-- asked someone, attribution lost, and die incomparable Hlavin
-- who knows a straight line when she sees one, quipped,
> Neither men nor women have needed to have their vests
> surgically removed since the invention of Velcro.
Which, I learned from the San Francisco Opera production of
Wagner's Ring, was in the Early Mythological Age. Hunding
came in in Act I of DIE WALKURE in marvelously exotic-looking
lacquer armor, rather a Samurai effect, and paraded about in
it for a few extremely effective moments. Then the stage
directions called for Rebecca Blankenship to step up behind
him and help him take it off, which would have been fine
except that the characteristic 'rrrrrriiiiiiiipppppp!' of
Velcro letting go produced an inappropriate titter in *my*
row....
------------------------------
Date: 22 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: sgolson@trilobyte.com (Steve Golson)
Subject: Woody Allen
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Motto of the Woody Allen School of Interpersonal Relationships:
"I don't want to rob the cradle. I just want to sleep in it for a while."
(heard from a comedian years and years ago, and adapted to current events)
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------