[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V2 #44
Yucks Digest Wed, 19 Aug 92 Volume 2 : Issue 44
Today's Topics:
Another list
big wad o' NOTW
black humour
cervantes and the olympic spirit...
Conference announcement
Funny things in my new lease
How the NRC affects Houston...
In the news...
I receive a gift
Are you a real man?
Quayle for President (Was Re: Request: Quote about Danny's daughter?)
Stange but true. [A pow-wow with the bow-wow -Don King]
The envelope, please
Top 9 list
War Women
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 21:51:44 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf>
Subject: Another list
To: yucks
Kathy and I came up with these while waiting for a friend's wedding
ceremony to finish.
Ten Things You Hope to NOT Experience at a Wedding
1. Hearing the bridal march played on an accordian
2. The minister saying "And now a word from our sponsor..."
3. Preliminary acoustic guitar selections from Ice-T and
John Philip Sousa
4. A split-skirt bridal gown
5. Repeated, uncontrollable giggles by the minister during
the recitation of the vows
6. The ceremonial exchange of tatoos
7. Disruption of the ceremony by the arrival of last minute
blood and urine test results
8. The "Wave"
9. As the bride and groom depart, the assembled crowd throws
rice pudding
10. The bride and groom have their first dance together to either
"The Lambada" or to the theme from "Dances with Wolves".
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 92 16:34:39 GMT
From: wisner@privateidaho.EBay.Sun.COM (Bill Wisner)
Subject: big wad o' NOTW
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us, cjg@ims.alaska.edu
The Niagara County, N.Y., sheriff's office reported in March that a
38-year-old man from Wheatfield, N.Y., had been taken to DeGraff
memorial hospital suffering from the effects of a do-it-yourself
castration performed with clamps, a scalpel and a local anesthetic.
He said he needed to reduce his sex drive.
A physician at Johns Hopkins medical school reported in April that a
21-year-old college student suffers from a condition ("phantosmia")
that causes her to emit a foul odor so overpowering that she cannot
eat or engage in ordinary school activities because she cannot concentrate.
Thedford Browning, 20, filling out identification papers in a Springfield,
Mass., courtroom in October in an attempt to be released from jail without
a money bond after his arrest on a crack cocaine charge, listed his
occupation as "drug dealer." The judge denied the request and imposed
a $20,000 bond.
In May, the Maui County (Hawaii) Council tabled an ordinance that would
ban the backyard killing of dogs because of opposition by some groups
that such a ban would be discriminatory based on their religious tradition
of eating dogs.
Dietrick Mitchell, 16, was charged with the vehicular murder of pedestrian
Daniel Goetsch, 16, near Aurora, Colo., last October. According to a
passenger in Mitchell's car, Mitchell had aimed for Goetsch, whom he did
not know, on the street and announced "three points" for hitting him.
Criminal justice professor Michael Petrik, 30, who taught the "alternatives
to prison" course at Nassau County (N.Y.) Community College, was arrested
in May for helping two inmates escape from a correctional facility in Warwick,
N.Y. Said a former student, "He made class interesting. I guess everybody
has their own little secrets."
Spartanburg, S.C., mayor Bob Rowell changed his mind in April about
publicizing a proclamation dedicated to Holocaust survivors. He admitted
that the reason was his fear of offending the German BMW car company,
which was then deciding between Spartanburg and Omaha as the site for a
new U.S. plant. In July, BMW selected Spartanburg.
A Washington, D.C., organization, Africa Watch, estimates that as many as
100,000 people, mostly children, live in slavery in the Islamic country of
Mauritania. The slaves get no pay, have no rights, and can be tortured or
killed by their owners without penalty.
A 15-year-old boy was arrested for suspicion of murder in March after a
5-year-old boy a half-mile away, in Carson, was hit by a flying bullet
seconds after the older boy fired his gun almost straight up into the
air while showing off for friends. [No, it doesn't say where.]
[And now, my personal favorite from this batch of stories...]
In June, a 29-year-old man from Moab, Utah, fell to his death off the North
Rim of the Grand Canyon. He had backed up while having his picture taken.
Now available at your local pharmacy, from Unimed Co., is Unimist --
"Instant Dry Mouth Relief" -- in a fine, pump-squeeze container. It
"eliminates dryness by replenishing normal levels of moisture" and is
"safe to use" with a "refreshingly slightly minty taste."
Sam F. Stewart, 17, was arrested for burglary in Waskom, Texas, in April,
after he had broken into a van housed in a residential garage and then
inadvertently activated the electric locks while trying to start the car.
As he hit various controls in an attempt to get out of the car, he awoke
the owners. Stewart was still trapped inside the car when police arrived.
Sheriff Bill Wiester announced in Moses Lake, Wash., in March that he had
arrested a man sitting in a car bobbing his head and who thus looked like he
was doing drugs. On closer inspection, however, no drugs were found; the
man had a straw in his mouth and was blowing bubbles into a fishbowl he was
holding in his lap, aerating the water for his pet piranha.
Robby Doyle Calhoun, 30, was arrested for stabbing letter carrier Raymond
Bell, 35, in Dallas in April. Apparently, Calhoun was upset about receiving
bills. A police detective said that Calhoun had told a maintenance man the
day before that he was "going to get the mailman."
In February, Roman Catholic parishioners in Sluis, The Netherlands,
disturbed by loud noises that interrupted their worshipping, opened the
curtains of a confessional to find a man and woman having sex inside.
(The parish priest was out of town at the time and thus could not grant
the couple absolution for the incident.)
In April, former Springfield, Ore., Human Rights Commissioner Katherine
Maris (a white woman who is married to a black man) was convicted under
the state's racial intimidation law for making repeated racial insults
against police officer John Patterson, who is black. Patterson had stopped
her for driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
In July, the Iowa Board of Dental Examiners charged dentist Vincent P.
Graettinger, whose license had already been suspended in May, with another
incident in June.
The board said Graettinger locked a female patient in a room by herself
and forced her to watch a film on proper dental care. Graettinger denied
the charge and accused the board of "nitpicking."
Cozette Wright, 35, was charged in May with stabbing her daughter, Dennisha,
20, on Mother's Day in Omaga, Neb., after an argument over who was the
better mother.
Among award-winning stories at the Texas Associated Press Managing Editors
Association awards was one from the Austin American-Statesman, reporting a
plan by city officials of Rollingwood. Officials planned to spray-paint
all loose dogs in the city so owners would call up to complain and could then
be cited for violating a law prohibiting dogs from roaming free.
Actor Charlton Heston wrote the Los Angeles Times, admonishing producers
of the TV show "Studs" to provide participants with free AIDS tests "as part
of the casting process," since the show's premise is that participants will
have sex.
Among the information that came to light in April as a result of Atlanta's
new government officials' financial disclosure law was the existence of the
city's not-well-known Board of Astrology. The Associated Press could find
no records of the board at City Hall but concluded after interviewing its
three smoked-out members that the board administers tests to, and licenses,
prospective astrologers.
Janie A. Coleman was arrested in Columbia, Mo., in January after being accused
of trying to pass counterfeit $5 bills in the purchase of perfume. The bills
were merely photocopied fronts and backs of bills, taped together.
Channel 5 in Nashville, Tenn., held a "Mission: Bermuda Triangle" trivia
contest in May offering viewers a chance to win a seven-day vacation in
Florida. The contest had to be restarted after the "hundreds" of initial
entries disappeared from the station. (The manager suspects a cleaning-crew
mistake.)
Mendocino County peace activist Kwazi Nkrumah, angered by a series of
unfavorable articles by Boonville newspaper editor Bruce Anderson, confronted
Anderson in May and slugged him.
Norman W. Bertsavage of Pottsville, Pa., told reporters in February that
he still wanted "to carry on my argument" in his campaign for the Republican
nomination for president, despite a poor showing in the New Hampshire primary.
(He received no votes.) The day after the election, he compared himself to
Mikhail Gorbachev, citing their similar messages of party reform.
A Michigan boating agency official, after examining all accidents in the
state over the last 15 years, concluded that the most dangerous activity for
boaters is falling overboard.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 12:23:33 CDT
From: Werner Uhrig <werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu>
Subject: black humour
To: to-people-who-like-to-smile:@rascal.ics.utexas.edu@cs.purdue.edu;
Today, I think the following is the funniest single thing I have ever
heard:
Meryl Streep, giving a commencement address. `You have been told that
Real Life is not like college, and you have been correctly informed.
Real Life is more like high school.'
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 92 12:58:40 CDT
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: cervantes and the olympic spirit...
To: spaf
I missed most of the Olympics, so perhaps I didn't catch some necessary
context, but the announcer's closing comments at the end of the
broadcast have me very puzzled. He referred to _Don Quixote_ as
representing the Olympic spirit in that Cervantes' tale involved a man
pursuing a dream. The copy of _Don Quixote_ I read ten years ago was a
satire directed at knights-errant. It included such classic moments as
the good Don mistaking a windmill for an evil giant, which he then
charges with his spear, causing great personal injury to himself and, of
course, no damage to the "giant". My other favorite is the part where
he "rescues" the princess in the wicked baron's castle who turns out to be
a drunken charwoman turning tricks with the neighborhood farmers. So, was
this announcer demonstrating his total ignorance of the novel or did they
add some cool new events this year?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 92 14:43:18 EDT
From: John Palmer <jpalmer@uwovax.uwo.ca>
Subject: Conference announcement
To: spaf
ANNOUNCING
THE FIRST ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION OF THE
PHILISTINE LIBERATION ORGANIZATION
Three different locations are being considered to serve you better:
1. The Fantasyland Hotel at West Edmonton Mall. Largest Mall in the
universe. Indoor Roller Coaster and surfing. Giant fast-food court.
Early registrants will have their choice of theme rooms (Polynesian
and Roman are the most popular; 50s theme rooms have the beds in
the back of pickup trucks).
2. Wall Drug, Wall, South Dakota. You can't miss it. There are signs
everywhere.
3. The Old Bavarian Inn, Frankenmuth, Michigan. With regular buses to
Bonner's "We sell 57 quadzillion tacky Christmas ornaments to
tourists every year." Chicken dinners served 24hrs/day.
1
TENTATIVE SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
Opening dinner:
(Kraft dinner gussied up with ground beef and Hamburger
Helper; canned peas; lettuce wedges with Kraft dressing;
Sara Lee pound cake)
Invited after-dinner speaker (I said "invited"; I didn't say he'd
come)
Dave Barry, "Should the plastic covers be left on new
furniture?"
Get-acquainted Dance: complete with "Hello, my name is _________"
name tags. Music provided by Lawrence Welk videos.
* * * DAY I * * *
Breakfast:
Eggs "Benedict" from McDonalds, coffee, juice, hashbrowns
Morning Session I: Plastics
"A Sociometric Investigation into Tupperware Use by High
Income vs. Low Income Households"
"The Pluses and Minuses of Clear vs. Colour-Changing zip-lock
Sandwich Bags vs. Foldtop Bags"
"Making a Chandelier with Clear Plastic Wine Glasses"
"Plastic trees - can we replace the rain forest?"
Morning Session II: Music
"The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
"Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and
Differences"
"Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
"Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"
Lunch:
A smorgasbord of fast foods [Whoppers, Big Macs, tacos,
fries, shakes, soft drinks]
Afternoon Session I: Textiles and Fabrics
"Velcro and Speed-lacing: the results of timed trials,
by age and sex groups"
"Wrinkle-proofing: buying the right fabric can save hours of
work later"
"Spandex, the fabric that lets your wardrobe grow with you"
Afternoon Session II: The Philistine Philosophy
"Philistine and Macho: The Crucial Differences"
"The Boycott of National Public Radio: a Progress Report"
"If modern artists had to rely on individual rather than state
patronage could middle america bear to watch them starve to death?"
Dinner:
Pizza comparisons from local establishments. Timed Trials.
Grease measurements. The convenience factor debated.
Invited After Dinner Panel: Philistine Reviews
Joe-Bob Briggs - the social relevance of drive-in movies
Ian Klymchuk - low-brow put-downs of high-brow events
Sock Hop: Ballroom I
featuring tapes from sound-alike artists of the 50s
or
Polkas: Ballroom II
featuring battling accordians with non-stop music
* * * DAY II * * *
Breakfast:
Cold, leftover pizza.
Coke and Pepsi Floats. Jolt Cola available upon request.
Morning Session I: What is art?
"Selecting pictures to match the decor of your home"
"Learning which way to hang that modern art(ist)"
"Has there been art since the 18th century?"
"Abstract Art: could we really do better with a child's
painting set, a dog and a Poulan Chainsaw?"
Morning Session II: Wardrobes
"Polka Dots - Bigger is Better"
"Leisure suits - the comeback apparel of the '90s"
"Creative Uses of Plaids, Colours, and Stripes:
Personality Profiles and Personal Statements"
Lunch:
Creativity with tuna: tuna casseroles; tuna melts; tuna rolls;
tuna-Dorito crunch; and the classic, tuna with lime jello.
Afternoon Session I: Literature for Philistines
"If Modern Writers are so good, why can't they write in
complete sentences?"
"Eschatology in Harlequin novels"
"Poetry: the advantages of rhyming"
Afternoon Session II: Entertainment and the Media
"Rescue 911: required viewing for schoolchildren?"
"Filling the Void - the Demise of Commercial Television"
"Headline News: Should It Be Shortened to Ten or Fifteen
Minute Segments?"
"Masterpiece Theatre: Where's the Beef?"
Closing Panel: Philistines and Food
"Avoiding Sugar Letdowns by Popping M&Ms at Regular Intervals"
"Chips: regular, reconstituted, and flavoured. Taste Tests"
"No Alcohol, Schmo Alcohol - Drink Real Beer and Call a Cab"
"The Poisons Lurking in Natural Spring Waters"
"Cholesterol Is Your Friend: New Evidence from New England"
Registration:
To register, return this form by Feb 31, along with a cheque for $25, to
PLO Headquarters
Box 159, suite 4045
SSC
London, Ontario CANADA
N6A 5C2
Smoking and non-smoking areas will be available for all sessions,
meals, and hotels.
Hotel and bus information will be mailed two weeks after the receipt
of your cheque.
------------------------------
From: SEK@PSUVM.PSU.EDU (Sonja Kueppers)
Subject: Funny things in my new lease
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A couple of days ago, I signed an intent to lease a new apartment. The
landlord gave me a copy of his standard lease to look over, which included
the following gems:
Lessee waives his/her right of exemption of $300 cash or personal property,
and of any sewing machine in any sale by distress of lessee's personal
property.
NO PETS. Not even "just visiting". Not for ten seconds. Lessee agrees
to pay a $25 penalty rent for each and every time he is warned (caught).
Warnings will come at five minute intervals until animal is off the premises.
[...] Lessee will be evicted regardless of amount of time animal(s) is on
premises.
There will be no beer taps or kegs, no bar, no dart board, no ping pong
table, no pool table, no pin ball or other game machines, etc., anywhere
on the premises. Lessee will pay a $200 fine each time a beer keg is
placed in lessor's refrigerator.
Lessee will not bring furniture into "furnished" premises.
Lessee shall make no alterations, additions, or improvements to premises.
Any improvements made by lessee become the property of lessor. [...]
The following activities are prohibited in or on the premises: Painting
with oil paints, [...] ballet, and calisthenics [...].
There is a fifteen dollar charge for opening locked doors for tenants
unless lessor happens to be nearby.
CASH payments are accepted ONLY at the convenience of the lessor. Lessee
is encouraged to pay by check or money order. Failure to pay rent because
of inability to locate lessor so as to hand him cash will result in the
prescribed late fees.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 92 10:58:35 -0400
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: How the NRC affects Houston...
> the biggest effect on the lives of everyday citizens in Houston
> has been that Bush decided to buzz the freeways in a presidential
> helicopter during rush hour yesterday, so none of the traffic
> helicopters could deliver reports.
What a chance they missed.
"This is George Bush, traffic reporter for WXXX and Leader of the Free
World. Failed Liberal policies are obstructing traffic on I-27 and
the downtown loop, but a firm dedication to family values is ensuring
smooth traffic flow and prosperity on US-99, so remember to take
alternate routes this November."
I betcha Clinton would have gone for it.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 92 07:36:23 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: In the news...
To: yucks
WRONG PLACE
Bobby Joe Reid died in December in Taylors, S.C., of a seizure and cerebral
hemorrhage while having sex with his married girlfriend, on the floor of
her living room. The frightened woman dragged Reid into her backyard,
then called police to report a prowler. Reid still had his pants around
his ankles when police arrived.
LATEST NEGATIVE CASH-FLOW ROBBERY
A man held up a Circle K store in Waco, Texas, on Nov. 29 after first
diverting the clerk's attention by putting a $20 bill on the counter
and asking for change. When the robber pulled a gun and demanded the
entire contents of the cash register, the clerk put everything in a bag
and handed it to the robber - all $15. The robber left the $20 bill on
the counter as he fled.
SMOOTH REACTIONS
James Patrick Summerville, 33, was arrested in Anne Arundel County, Md.,
in November after he chased and rammed a garbage truck with his car and
fired two shots at it at 5:45 a.m. The truck's driver had declined to
wait for Summerville, who was carrying trash that he had forgotten to put
out that morning.
UNDER ARREST
At a high school basketball game in February, Oklahoma City police officer
Eldridge Wyatt became dissatisfied that no fouls were being called on
"No. 21" and walked onto the court to point out the player's elbowing to
the referees. When referee Stan Guffey told Wyatt to leave the officiating
to him, Wyatt arrested Guffey. Guffey was un-arrested a few minutes later
so the game could continue, but when a reporter asked Wyatt after the game
what had happened, Wyatt tried to arrest him, too.
Arthur Gloria, 20, was arrested at a police station in Chicago as he was
leaving, after having taken the written test to qualify for becoming a
police officer. He had driven a stolen car to the exam and parked it
illegally outside the station.
LEAST COMPETENT PEOPLE
Huntington Beach, Calif., police Lt. Patrick Gidea reported in November
that officers conducting an undercover drug purchase sting continued to
make arrests of eager would-be customers even after large orange "police"
signs were placed in the area. Said Gildea, "We actually had people
coming up and getting in line (to buy cocaine) when we had people (under
arrest and handcuffed lying) on the gound."
LEAST COMPETENT PERSON
Michael Stohr, 26, was arrested for counterfeiting in Madison, Wis., in
September after clerks at a printing supply store tipped off federal
investigators about a man who had been browsing around. Clerks said the
man lingered in the store holding dollar bills up to a color chart and
finally placing an order for a particular shade of green ink.
GOVERNMENT IN ACTION
Last spring, some residents of Sepulveda in suburban Los Angeles broke
away from what they considered their seedier neighbors and formed the
new community of North Hills. Six months later, the rest of Sepulveda,
resisting desertion, voted to change the name of the rest of Sepulveda
to North Hills too.
ANONYMOUS TIP
Prison escapee James Sanders was captured by federal agents at his home in
Stinnett, Texas, in January after 17 years on the lam, during which he had
established a new life, married and fathered a daughter. Agents were
tipped off when Sanders, out of curiosity, telephoned the FBI to ask whether
they were still pursuing James Sanders.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 92 11:32:45 EST
From: "Nancy A. Quinn" <NQUINN@ucs.indiana.edu>
Subject: I receive a gift
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
One of my friends in the office sings in a band, and she
wafts down to Nashville periodically to record. She spied the
ultimate in tacky souvenirs, and brought it back for me:
The Bag in Which IT Arrived:
Jimmy Velvet's
ELVIS PRESLEY MUSEUM
C
T*B
(*insert lightning bolt)
(photo here)
Memphis
Honolulu
Orlando
Nashville
WORLD'S LARGEST COLLECTION
Elvis Presley Museum on Tour
Corporate Office
646 W. Iris Drive
Nashville, TN 37204
(615) 292-2412
FAX (615) 790-3529 or (615) 292-3384
Licensed by Elvis Presley Enterprises Inc. & The Elvis Presley
Estate
IT:
front (text over photo -- head to knees -- of young, white-
garbed "King:" left thumb tucked in pants pocket, hips tilted,
shirt open to waist, white scarf flying in breeze over a
background of golden clouds...):
Elvis Presley
"LOVE ME TENDER"
CONDITIONING
SHAMPOO
16 Fl. Oz. (1 Pt.)
and on the back:
ELVIS PRESLEY "THE LEGEND LIVES"
Elvis Presley had a precious gift, a great talent that he
shared with the world, capturing the love of young and old.
Elvis was respected and admired as an entertainer and a
generous caring person. He revolutionized the field of music
and became a legend in his own time.
Elvis performed "Love Me Tender" in 1956. This beautiful
love song remains one of the most popular recordings of all
time.
"Love Me Tender" Conditioning Shampoo cleans and
conditions your hair with a rich, thick, luxurious lather.
For best results, use "Love Me Tender" Conditioning Rinse.
Directions: Apply to wet hair, lather and rinse. Repeat if
necessary.
(list of ingredients deleted)
Smells like Sassoon shampoo. I especially like the fact that
you can fax in your order. This is truly a great country.
------------------------------
From: APUCORLE@idbsu.idbsu.edu
Subject: Are you a real man?
Are you a real man? If you are, Men's Health magazine says,
you should have the following 25 things:
1. A set of good quality tools
2. A watch with hands
3. Dumbbells
4. A car you love to drive
5. The Rand McNally Road Atlas
6. A week's worth of underwear with no holes in them
7. A pair of dress shoes that cost more than you
wanted to spend
8. A serious first-aid kit
9. Binoculars, the smaller the better
10. A well-maintained bike
11. A blender
12. A packable raincoat
13. A rugged two-suiter garment bag
14. The "Good Housekeeping Illustrated Cookbook"
15. A genuine Swiss army knife
16. A non-embarrassing hat
17. A dark-blue suit
18. A fishing rod
19. An answering machine
20. A comfortable chair at work and at home
21. "Hoyle's Rules of Poker"
22. A pair of sunglasses they don't sell on TV
23. A universal remote control
24. At least one Frank Sinatra record
25. Condoms
[Hmmm, does 17 out of 25 make me almost real? Fake? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Aug 92 20:06:55 GMT
From: erics@sco.COM (eric smith)
Subject: Quayle for President (Was Re: Request: Quote about Danny's daughter?)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle
[...article deleted; it's the quote in the signature I liked. --spaf]
"I see no media mention of it, but we entered in -- you asked what time
it is and I'm telling you how to build a watch here -- but we had Boris
Yeltsin here the other day. And I think my times campaigning in Iowa,
years ago, and how there was a -- Iowa has a kind of, I single out Iowa,
it's a kind of an international state in a sense and has a great
interest in all these things -- and we had Yeltsin standing here in the
Rose Garden and we entered into a deal to eliminate the biggest and most
ballistic missiles and it was almost, 'Ho-hum, what have you done for me
lately?' "
-George Bush, on why he should be re-elected
------------------------------
From: Grady W Chism <gchism@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu>
Subject: Stange but true. [A pow-wow with the bow-wow -Don King]
A person of Hispanic background was playing with their dog in the park. An
interested bystander watched with amazement and finally came over and asked
the question "How long did it take you to teach your dog Spanish?"
------------------------------
Date: 8 Aug 92 20:53:16 GMT
From: One of our contributors
Subject: The envelope, please
Enough of gold, silver and bronze medals.
Bring on the tin alloy:
To the athlete who innocently entered the Games and is now stuck with
monthly grooming and stabling fees: Spain's Jose Moreno, who won
cycling's 1-kilometer time trial, then received a horse in tribute.
To the venue in greatest need of an environmental impact statement:
the Parc de Mar yachting course, where dead rats and condoms were strewn
across the water.
To the athlete least likely to receive a diplomatic post in Africa:
U.S. basketball star Charles Barkley, who wondered whether his Angolan
opponent was ``carrying a spear.''
To the politician making the most astute insight into the Games:
Barcelona Mayor Pasqual Maragall, who said, ``The most expensive thing
in Barcelona is the peseta.''
To the athlete most in need of a reminder that he is a competitor and
not a spectator: Lithuania's Rimas Kurtinaitis, who snapped pictures of
the Dream Team during his country's game against the United States.
To the athlete least likely to be honored by animal rights activists:
Quincy Watts, the 400-meter gold medalist who said that while growing up
in Detroit he ``got into fights, did things to cats.''
To the athletes most likely to know when their marriage is on the
rocks: German canoeists Stefan Scholz and Cerstin Petersman, who were
married at the site of the fast-water competition.
To the weightlifter giving the best impersonation of a volleyball
spiker: Ibragim Sadamov of the Unified Team, who, enraged over not
winning the gold medal, smashed his bronze medal to the ground.
To the athletes most certain to be envied by their countrymen:
Romania's four gold medalists, whose bonus of $8,500 each represents 16
years worth of wages for the average Romanian.
To the team official with the most unorthodox views on gynecology:
Teofilo Stevenson, the former Olympic champion who said, ``Boxers in
Cuba begin to prepare while they are still in the womb.''
To the Barcelonan most in need of new automobile insurance: Jose
Maria Bastida, an Olympic volunteer whose car was blown up by police who
mistakenly suspected him as a terrorist.
To the journalist posing the best postgame question: Unidentified
Spanish reporter, who, after Spain's 20-point loss to Angola, opened the
news conference by asking venerated Spanish basketball coach Antonio
Diaz-Miguel, ``Will you resign?''
To the government least taken by the joy of competition and the
majesty of the Olympic spirit: Tie.
--Egypt, whose parliament has called for a special inquiry into the
nation's ``embarrassing and pathetic'' results in Barcelona.
--India, whose opposition party called for a moment of silence in
government chambers to ``commemorate the death of Indian sport.''
To the athletes least likely to join the cast in a stage revival of
``Hair'': U.S. men's volleyball team, whose players shaved their heads
to protest an officiating decision.
To the athlete most perplexed by the vagaries of capitalism: Vitali
Chtcherbo, who won six gold medals and spoke of endorsement prospects in
the former Soviet Union: ``There's nothing to advertise.''
To the most accomplished opera star now singing the blues: Teresa
Bregenza, who branded Monserrat Caballe, Jose Carreras and Placido
Domingo ``The Three Musketeers'' for using the opening ceremonies as a
publicity stunt.
To the official offering the best description of life in the Olympic
Village: Helen Connor, Canada's team leader for rhythmic gymnastics, who
said, ``It's like living in a beer commercial.''
To the athlete every drinking man can best identity with: Pole
vaulter Sergei Bubka, who repeatedly ran to the bar, then couldn't get
off the ground.
To the individual giving the best job description for a resume: Bob
Jordan, manager of U.S. boxer Eric Griffin, who in stating his line
work, said, ``I've been in the computer business since 1959, when they
didn't even have computers.''
To the athlete who may have had the best time of anyone at the Games:
Goran Ivanisevic, the Croatian tennis star who suggested the Olympics
should be held every four months.
------------------------------
Date: 19 Aug 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: bbs-aphelps@jwt.UUCP (Austin Phelps)
Subject: Top 9 list
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
------------------------------
From: shoham@ll.mit.edu (Dan Shoham)
Subject: War Women
This story was quoted by the 8/92 issue of World Press Review claiming
it originated in the Independent of London:
"More than 10,000 Indian and Nepalese men recently flooded Iraq's
embassy in New Delhi with testimonials to their character and
virility. They were responding to a newspaper ad offering them about
$1,000 to marry Iraqi women whose husbands were killed in the
Persian Gulf war. But the ad was phony, placed by crooks who charged
about $4 per 'application.' The Iraqi ambassador expressed sympathy
for the men but said, 'How can they think we have nothing better to
doo in Iraq than give away money and our women?' ""
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------