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Yucks Digest V2 #41
Yucks Digest Tue, 21 Jul 92 Volume 2 : Issue 41
Today's Topics:
*just hold this wire and stand on the metal plate*
Amateur Operators in History
Colonic irrigations
cutie
get 'em while you're hot
Help with transtators needed
Just Curious
literature
Maples' Adman Begs Forgiveness
Need onfo. re: how to take enema
newgroup alt.butt-keg.marmalade
Play CD's at least once a year? (2 msgs)
Quotes from a true Noble man.
Spelling chequer woes
The Unbearable Lightness of Dieting
Top Ten Advantages to Being a Male Bay Area Computer Nerd
Why Perot dropped out/was in?
Yeah!
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Jul 92 19:14:32 -0400
From: "Patrick Tufts" <zippy@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: *just hold this wire and stand on the metal plate*
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>From: suebee@athena.mit.edu (Sue O Kim)
>Newsgroups: mit.bboard
>Subject: speech subject research $75/hr, 2-3hrs.
>Date: 15 Jul 92 17:43:34 GMT
Native speakers or YORUBA or EWE
wanted for an experiment on Speech Production
in which we will record the acoustic signal and
movements of the tongue, lips and jaw using a
HARMLESS Alternating Magnetic Field Movement
Transducer System
REQUIREMENTS: patience, tolerance of having
small transducer coils glued to the tongue
lips and jaw
PAY: $75/hr. for a 2-3 hr. session
CONTACT: Dr. Perkell at 253-3223
or Dr. Matthies at 253-3593
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 19 Jul 1992 23:55:27 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov ( Scott Dorsey)
Subject: Amateur Operators in History
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
There has been a lot of discussion in this group about the history of amateur
radio, but I should point out that there have been a lot of very famous people
throughout history who have furthered the cause of amateur radio communications,
many of whom go unrecognized to this day.
For example, Dipolonius, a Roman senator who defeated some of the first laws
against antenna tower erection.
Or the great French imperialist who did some of the earliest research known
on proper dissipation oils for use in Cantenna dummy loads. Unfortunately,
however, Petroleum Blownaparte squandered most of his resources in a very
unsuccessful DXpedition to Russia, and died in exile.
Even the youngest of schoolchildren has been taught that Vikings first set
down on the American continent as early as the eighth century AD, but of
course few of them ever learn that AM modulation was okay back then.
The famous playwright, Tennessee O'Neill was an amateur radio operator, although
the fact is not widely known. His obscure play, Morning Becomes Electric,
a powerful story about an all-night DXing session, has yet to be produced
even now, years after his death.
Does anyone else know of similar historical (or biblical) figures?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Jul 92 18:55:26 GMT
From: bhjelle@triton.unm.edu ()
Subject: Colonic irrigations
Newsgroups: sci.med
In article <Brp1A5.DEy@hpbs654.boi.hp.com> kmarko@hpbs654.boi.hp.com (Kurt Marko) writes:
>
>I have been reading some material by Dr. Norman Walker who also
>advocates the `benefits' of a clean colon. He claims to have
>
>It comes as no surprise that `conventional' medicine considers this
>quackery, but from some of his descriptions of people passing masses
>of worms during colon cleansings, I find it hard to believe some
>benefits can't be derived. Are there other evidence of colon blockage
>(`plaque' buildup) and/or worms causing adverse health problems?
>W.r.t. the colon and regular bowel eliminations, I find his some of
>his `common sense' arguments compelling...how healthy can it be to
>retain putrified food refuse?
>
Sure, worms, plaque, gremlins, small foreign-made automobiles....
all have been recovered from the colons of unsuspecting patients
(er, clients).
It would be easy to dismiss this all as quackery, as Steve Dyer
was so quick to do. However, this approach ignores the considerable
profit potential (oops, I mean scientific data) that supports
such an approach to disease.
So for just $49.95 I will send you a package of "colon floss" and
a "colon brush" designed to keep your colon free of lint, plaque,
decaying matter, beer bottles, televisions, etc.
I make this offer with the client's interest at heart.
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jul 92 04:45:09 EDT (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
When Bismark was Prussian Ambassador at the Court of Alexander II
in the early 1860's, he looked out of a window in the Peterhof
Palace and saw a sentry on duty in the middle of the lawn. He
asked the Czar why the man was there. The Czar asked his
aide-de-camp. The aide-de-camp did not know. The commanding
general was summoned. "General, why is that soldier stationed in
that isolated place?" asked the Czar.
"I beg leave to inform your Majesty that it is in accordance with
ancient custom."
"What is the origin of the custom?" put in Bismark.
"I do not recollect at present," answered the general.
"Investigate and report the result," ordered Alexander.
The investigation took three days. They found that the sentry
was posted there by an order put on the books eighty years before!
Records showed that one morning in the spring of 1780, Catherine
the Great, who ruled Russia at the time, looked on that lawn and saw
the first flower thrusting above the frozen soil. She ordered a
sentry to be posted to prevent anyone from picking the flower. And
in 1860 there was still a sentry on the lawn -- a memorial to
habit, custom, or just everyone's saying, "But we've always done it
just that way."
[Sounds like some organizations I'm familiar with... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Jul 92 06:24:16 -0700
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: get 'em while you're hot
To: spaf
CRANSTON, R.I. (AP) - People accustomed to delivering their vacation
pictures to a drive-up booth in a shopping center here may be in for a
shock - Condom Hut is open for business.
Emmanuella DelVecchio sold her first condoms Friday and said
business was brisk, despite recent vandalism and angry telephone calls
from people opposed to having such a service in their neighborhood.
``It didn't stop us,'' said DelVecchio, who also owns a nail salon
in the same shopping plaza. ``We're still open for business.''
The former Fotomat booth is painted hot pink and white and displays
a condom ``menu'' that includes mint-flavored and natural lambskin
varieties, as well as standard latex.
``Everyone going through has been very professional,'' DelVecchio
said. ``They're being serious _ no joking, no comments. They're
driving through picking up what they need, knowing what they want.''
Anthony Paola was her first customer, leaving with a box of
glow-in-the-dark condoms.
``I feel more comfortable coming over here than I would going to a
drugstore or anything like that,'' he said. ``Because I feel like I'd
have to buy something else too, instead of just buying a box of
condoms.''
Some complained about the location, which borders a neighborhood of
older residents.
``It's a disgrace,'' Mike Capareo said. ``It's a nice Italian
neighborhood over here. It's been here for years, good people.''
DelVecchio was planning to open two weeks earlier, but she had to
fix a damaged sign and repair a window after someone tossed a
firecracker through it.
For the next two weeks, customers will be handed a brochure on safe
sex compliments of the Rhode Island Department of Health and the Rhode
Island Project AIDS.
[What's next -- drive-in colon brush stands? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Jul 92 14:34:01 GMT
From: vxv4@po.CWRU.Edu (Virgilio Velasco)
Subject: Help with transtators needed
Newsgroups: sci.electronics
Help! I'm trying to build a tricorder for my EE masteral
thesis, but I couldn't find any transtators anywhere. Can someone
help me out?
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jul 92 21:21:05 GMT
From: bur@ultisol.gsfc.nasa.gov (MAC)
Subject: Just Curious
Newsgroups: alt.flame,alt.best.of.internet,talk.bizarre
andsol@is.rice.edu (Andrew J. Solberg) writes:
>klm@gozer.mv.com (Kevin L. "dickless" McBride) writes:
>|> bur@ultisol.gsfc.nasa.gov (MAC) spews:
>|> >[deleted]
>|>[deleted]
>Dear Kevin:
>
>Allow me to ridicule you with the following anagrams to your full name,
>Kevin L. McBride:
>
>Lick Bed Vermin
>Rim 'n Bevel Dick
>CB Link: 'Drive Me!'
>
>Now that we have gotten the preliminaries out of the way, let's tear right
>into your impoverished squirming ego:
>
>I want you to know that your flame was truly inadequate for this newsgroup.
>There was NOT ONE SINGLE, SOLITARY inspiring thing in your rag. MAC is
>probably sitting back in his chair, boggling at your pathetic excuse for
>a rant, and chuckling patronizingly at your temerity. He knows, as do any
>real alt.flame regulars, that you are unworthy of any true response. However,
>as I am a civic-minded sort, I will try to straighten you out. If you pull
>your pointy little head out of your ass, thereby dislodging your Butt
>Potato (TM), you may well gain in wisdom.
>
>Let's start by closely examining your post to see where you went wrong:
>
>|> Perhaps he knew about the redirected followups and chose to ignore it,
>|> just to cheese you off? I think that you are the clueless one, Mike.
>|>
>
>Problem: Whoa, Nelly! 'Cheese Off', eh? Hey, now -- let's keep this clean.
>Solution: Learn the finer points of invective. You Cornholed, Suppurating,
> Thrice-squicked Rat Bastard.
>
>|> You're probably going to wet your pants in glee when you see that I
>|> "cluelessly" crossposted to misc.test as well.
>
>Problem: Trying to second-guess beings higher than you on the evolutionary
> tree.
>Solution: Stick to removing the ticks from your sweaty, gangrenous testicles,
> and leave the higher brain functions to us chordates.
>
>|> You know what?
>
>Problem: Offering a rhetorical question on a newsgroup full of rabid flamers.
>Solution: An immediate sledgehammer blow between your multifaceted eyes should
> remove these impulses for good.
>
>|> I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! It doesn't bother me, FUCKHEAD!
>
>Problem: If you are going to swear, do so with panache. 'Flying Fuck' and
> 'Fuckhead' have all the panache of a bull elephant with a serious
> fibre deficiency.
>Solution: Learn some new insults. For instance, 'wrenis pinkle' is very
> popular amongst your Junior High colleagues, I understand.
>
>|> (Just so
>|> that you know that I know how to edit the Newsgroups line, I have
>|> changed it, yet deliberately left misc.test in.)
>
>Problem: Trying to be cutely clever and failing mightily. All you have
> accomplished here is 1) signed up for a enema bag full of fan mail,
> and 2) looked like a hydroencephalitic.
>Solution: Never, ever, post again.
>
>|> Your joke is getting old and tired Mr. Bur. Give it a rest.
>
>Problem: Criticizing your mental and moral superiors.
>Solution: Bow down before your true Masters. Acknowledge your smallness.
>
>|> What? Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot that this is the only way that you can
>|> get your rocks off since your little "accident."
>
>Problem: Aha -- the 'meat' of your flame! Kinda stringy though....
>Solution: Learn to work around your Down's Syndrome problems. Many of your
> kind have found ways to live useful, happy lives. I understand
> McDonald's is hiring, for instance.
>
>|> Get a life.
>
>Problem: You are a flea-ridden, vomit-encrusted toad with no sense of
> humor, social standing, or creative ability.
>Solution: Subscribe to alt.personals.wanker.
>
>|> Kevin
>
>Problem: You exist.
>Solution: End it all. Now. I'll pay you.
>
>There now! Don't you feel better, now that we've gotten that taken care of?
>
>Let me leave you with some closing remarks:
>
> You have no penis, but you do have two rectums.
> You were dropped at least twice as a baby.
> You have not wiped your bottom since the Carter Administration.
> You are ashamed to shower in public, and with good reason.
> You have never had an orgasm, but you think you have.
> You smell like Hungry Man dinners.
> Even your pets hate you.
> Call home. Your mother died.
>
>Be miserable.
>
>
>DIE NOW.
>
>--
>Andrew Solberg |"If I were your wife I'd poison your tea!"
>Undying University Mooch| Anon. Outraged British Woman
>andsol@owlnet.rice.edu |"And if I were your husband I'd drink it!"
>Phone:713-529-8627 | Winston Churchill
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 92 01:08:40 -0400
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: literature
>i'm looking for some information on the first appearance
>in print of the great russian novel, _Anna Purina_
>when it first came out, was it cerealized anywhere?
As we all know Anna Purina was written by that great russian novelist
Lox "Eggs and Onions" Toastie having been inspired by his close friend
and paramour, Raisa The Czech. Shredded by the critics he puffed his
ego and signed a deal with the then popular magazine "The
Battle-Creek Post".
According to US President and ex-university-pres Woody "in milk"
Wiltsnone this literary achievement was "cracklin with the very fiber
that has made us come to anticipate all such literary movements and
counts as sheer relief in these times of low-bulk non-producers who's
embarrassing, cheeky smear must be wiped clean if we ever are to
escape the strains and grunts clogging the pipes of the world's
undercurrents and feel full flush and free once again, he has trained
us all and I rise from my stool to give thanks to the very paper his
fragrant gifts mark".
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Jul 92 13:23:44 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Maples' Adman Begs Forgiveness
To: yucks-request
NEW YORK (AP)
Marla Maples' publicist, charged with stealing shoes from her
bedroom, said he failed his client and her business tycoon boyfriend,
Donald Trump.
"Donald and Marla I love them both. As far as I'm concerned, I've
failed them both miserably," Richard Jones told the New York Post.
Jones was freed on $5,000 bail Friday after pleading innocent to
charges he stole at least 40 pairs of Maples' high heels.
He was arrested Wednesday after a video camera in Maples' bedroom
closet installed because shoes kept disappearing allegedly recorded
him taking the shoes, said Assistant District Attorney Jacqueline
McCormick.
Police found some of the shoes in Jones' office, along with a copy
of a pornographic magazine called "Spike," which caters to an
audience with shoe fetishes.
The Post said Jones called the newspaper from his jail cell to
admit he had taken the shoes and to beg forgiveness.
Jones had represented Maples for about seven years. His attorney,
Herald Price Fahringer, said Jones still has a contract with Maples,
but the judge signed an order requiring him to stay away from her.
[Too bad. The publicity has probably ruined his chances at the job he
had applied for -- publicist for Imelda Marcos. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jul 92 15:34:37 GMT
From: stone@cunixb.cc.columbia.edu (Glenn Stone)
Subject: Need onfo. re: how to take enema
Newsgroups: sci.med
In article <15JUL199210262930@ariel.lerc.nasa.gov> seove@ariel.lerc.nasa.gov (ERIC OVERTON) writes:
>
>Could someone please explain how to take an enema?
>What to use? Etc?
Let me be the first to tell you to shove it up your ass.
But seriously folks. It depends on where you want to take it -- to
the movies, dinner and a show, or people-watching in the Village.
>
>Thanks in advance.
No problem.
[Don't forget to brush afterwards! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 18 Jul 92 03:27:38 GMT
From: banshee@cats.ucsc.edu (Wailer at the Gates of Dawn)
Subject: newgroup alt.butt-keg.marmalade
Newsgroups: alt.butt-keg.marmalade
In the midst of a new technical revolution,
a new generation of beer is upon us. Over the
past century, the cries of "TURN UP THE BEER!!"
have echoed through the hallowed halls of even
the most SACRED buildings. NOW is the TIME to
PREPARE yourself for the NEW AGE OF BEER!!! Do
not be aFRAID of the POWER of the BEER! LET IT
GRAB YOU BY THE ANUS AND RELISH THE FEELING OF
THE SURGE OF POWER THROUGH YOUR COLON!
Gone will be the days of the wimpy Pony Keg.
Here will be the days of wrought-iron Butt-Kegs,
complete with a new revolutionary built-in distilling
technology and combined with an original detachable
design. This device will make all other BEER containment
forms seem sadly INFERIOR!
Plus, the marmalade will help you maintain that
*moist* property which we all know is so *very*
important in *special* situations with close
family.
Do your site a favor, and help them get started
on the path to the future by creating this new
group. Your site, nay, the ENTIRE COUNTRY, will
benefit from your desire to let the net bend you
over and proudly display your Butt-Keg for all to
SEE.
[The alt.* hierarchy seems to have a newsgroup for everything, even
things the rest of us don't completely understand.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jul 92 17:48:03 GMT
From: cecilw@access.isc-br.com (Cecil Williams)
Subject: Play CD's at least once a year?
Newsgroups: rec.music.cd
(John Fereira) writes:
> (Mr. Weather) writes:
>|Unless my mind invented this, I recall hearing somewhere that CD's should be
>|played at least once a year in order to "maintain" them. Has anyone
>|heard this? Is there any scientific basis for this?
>
>This is true, but for optimum performance you should touch up the green ink
>on the sides every three months.
The reason that CD's MUST be played at least once a year, is that the
interface between the plactic and the aluminum is unstable over time,
when left unplayed, and eventually moisture from humidity, combined
with electrostatic energy that is present in the air all around us, builds
up in the junction of the aluminum/plastic, and the polymerized plastic
will eventually break down and melt just like hot wax!
The only thing that will prevent this from happening is the stabilizing
action of a coherent beam of light; eg the laser that reads the CD each time
it's played. It's a little know fact that your CD's will actually get a
little bit tougher each time they're played. The more you play them, the
longer they will last!
NOTE* This only applies to CD players with ruby-lasers. Argon or
helium lasers produce coherent light beams of other colors that will
not give the same protection to your disks! If your CD player does not
have a red laser beam pickup, you should probably take all your disks
to your dealer or a friends house at least once a year for a
stabilization playback! (There should be a statement in your CD player's
manual about the type of laser it has)
Also - those of you who have noticed pits developing in your CD's
AFTER you started playing them, probably need to have the focus checked
on the laser in your player! If the laser beam gets over-focused, it can
actually burn a hole right through the disk! It's just like when you take
a magnifying glass and focus the sun into a pinpoint with it. It gets
REAL hot... This isn't so much of a problem as long as the disk keeps
rotating - ever notice how warm the disk is when you take it out of
your car player? The problem happens when the motor that rotates the
disk has a dead spot in it, and the disk stops rotating occasionally.
The stall detector circuitry senses this right away, and re-boots the
motor, but often by then the over-focused laser beam has vaporized a pit
on the CD...
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jul 92 23:03:40 GMT
From: cecilw@access.isc-br.com (Cecil Williams)
Subject: Play CD's at least once a year?
Newsgroups: rec.music.cd
(Lisa Gruccio) writes:
> (Cecil Williams) writes:
>>(John Fereira) writes:
>
>>>This is true, but for optimum performance you should touch up the green ink
>>>on the sides every three months.
>>
>>"It's all true! Trust me..."
>>Cecil
>>
>
>>What does the green ink do? What happens if you don't have it on
>your cd's? Does it damage the disk? Why isn't it manufactured with
>it on there?
I wasn't going to comment on the green ink, as I don't think this information
has been officially released to the public yet... I'll tell you, but
don't spread this information around too much just yet, please!
The green ink that is supposed to be on the sides of CD's is the SAME
INK that is used by the US Mint to print US paper currency. It is used
on paper currency because of its long-wearing nature. It's used on
CD's to balance the rotating mass of the disk, thereby preventing
harmonic oscillations from occuring across the face of the disk as it
rotates in your player. These oscillations are the same as any rotating
mass would have if out of balance, much like your car tires must be balanced.
Anyway, it seems that SOME unscruplous CD distributors have caught on to
the type of green ink that is used on the CD's, and have been scraping it
off the disks, re-dissolving it in a tri-chlor based solvent and selling
it on the black market to money counterfeiters! The FBI has been investigating
this scam for the last few months, and a major bust is imminent any time now.
Most CD players can correct for the errors introduced by the harmonic
oscillations of an out of balance disk, but if you have any disks that
just don't sound quit right, check and see if they have any of the
green ink on the sides. If not, they may well be out of balance! I
suspect that in the near future there will be many CD balancing
business's opening up to take care of these problem disks missing the
green ink, and all other disks that seem to need balancing due to
the ink not having been touched up often enough, as well as normal
wear and tear that occurs from handling and playing.
For anyone who has a disk that seriously needs balancing right now, I
have the specialized equipment and a small supply of the green ink to
accomplish this. Just send me your disk and $15.00 cash...
[Cecil also has some bridges for sale...with green ink on them. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: jonesr2@rpi.edu
Subject: Quotes from a true Noble man.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology
here at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation
class, Fall semester 1991.
---
"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why
would you bother?"
"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant
other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."
"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to
reload, I don't know."
On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious
as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective."
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."
On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same
thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."
On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no
self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You
can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."
"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like
to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."
"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual."
"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'"
"We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't
remember."
"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent."
"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous
fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."
"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."
On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad
relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain
them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired
and happy."
"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own
business."
"Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this
rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing."
"Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll
say 'Thank you.'"
"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and
oxygen."
"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management."
"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm,
caring, sensitive human being."
"You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately
knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on."
"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."
"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not
a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."
"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your
problems."
"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
"There are two universes: for males, and for females."
"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."
"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."
"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the
moment."
"Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'"
"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you
have to."
"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living."
"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant."
"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"
"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal,
happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."
[I wish *I* had said some of these... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 13 Jul 92 23:30:03 GMT
From: amunn@umd5.umd.edu (Alan Munn)
Subject: Spelling chequer woes
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Found on a chalkboard in a classroom at Purdue. Posted with permission
of John O'Malley (omalley@cc.purdue.edu) (who found it but isn't the author).
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it
I'm sure your pleased too no.
It's letter perfect in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.
-- Pennye Harper
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jul 92 19:13:37 -0700
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: The Unbearable Lightness of Dieting
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
...the fruiters' [shops] were radiant in their glory. There were great
round pot-bellied baskets of chestnuts, shaped like the waistcoats of
jolly old gentlemen, lolling at the doors, and tumbling out into the
street in their apoplectic opulence. There were ruddy, brown-faced,
broad-girthed Spanish Onion, shining in the fatness of their growth
like Spanish Friars; and winking from their shelves in wanton slyness
at the girls as they went by, and glanced demurely at the hung-up
mistletoe. There were pears and apples, clustered high in blooming
pyramids; there were bunches of grapes, made in the shopkeepers'
benevolence to dangle from conspicuous hooks, that people's mouths
might water gratis as they passed; there were piles of filberts, mossy
and brown, recalling, in their fragrance, ancient walks among the
woods, and pleasant shufflings ankle deep through withered leaves;
there were Norfolk Biffins, squab and swarthy, setting off the yellow of
the oranges and lemons, and, in the great compactness of their juicy
persons, urgently entreating and beseeching to be carried home in paper
bags and eaten after dinner. The very gold and silver fish, set forth
among these choice fruits in a bowl, though members of a dull and
stagnant-blooded race, appeared to know that there was something going
on; and, to a fish, went gasping round and round their little world in
slow and passionless excitement.
The Grocers'! oh the Grocers'! nearly closed, with perhaps two
shutters down, or one; but through those gaps such glimpses! It was
not alone that the scales descending on the counter made a merry sound,
or that the twine and roller parted company so briskly, or that the
canisters were rattled up and down like juggling tricks, or even that
the blended scents of tea and coffee were so grateful to the nose, or
even that the raisins were so plentiful and rare, the almonds so
extremely white, the sticks of cinnamon so long and straight, the other
spices so delicious, the candied fruits so caked and spotted with
molten sugar as to make the coldest lookers-on feel faint and
subsequently bilious. Nor was it the that the figs were moist and
pulpy, or that the French plums blushed in modest tartness from their
highly-decorated boxes, or that everything was so good to eat ....
[ Charles Dickens ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 20 Jul 92 16:37:09 PDT
From: sbs@ciara.frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: Top Ten Advantages to Being a Male Bay Area Computer Nerd
To: spaf
Cooked up by several yucksters whose anonymity I won't protect:
Amber "Socks" Luttrell, Mark "Slowhand" Carmichael,
Gary "Death-ray" Ross, moi.
Top Ten Advantages to Being a Male Bay Area Computer Nerd
=========================================================
10. Finally part of the "in" crowd.
9. Can retrace steps of young Hewlett and Packard.
8. Wear Star Trek uniform to work and receive compliments.
7. Virtual Reality better than no life at all.
6. Space aliens prefer Bay Area, so more chance of close encounter.
5. Mail order Filipina brides at West Coast Port of Entry prices.
4. Clothing-optional company picnics.
3. "Sure glad I'm not one of those wage slaves up in Redmond."
2. Highest per capita concentration of female computer nerds.
1. Parents still in Illinois.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Jul 92 10:23:00 GMT
From: jf@threel.co.uk (John Fisher)
Subject: Why Perot dropped out/was in?
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
hinz@bonfire (David Hinz Mfg 4-6987) writes:
> I can't help but wonder about Perot's motives. As I see it, they could be
> any of the following:
The fact is that Perot is an Being from Tau Ceti. Bush is
a mindless zomboid, who long since surrendered his
individuality to the superior intelligence of the entity
known as Quayle, which is from Alpha Centauri. "Quayle"
and "Perot" are engaged in a titanic struggle for control
of the Earth and its enormous protein stocks. It makes no
difference to us. It's just a question of which larder we
end up hanging in.
"Clinton" is the candidate of the Solar Council. They're
in it for what they can get as well, of course, but at
least Clinton's made of protoplasm. It may be only a
marginal improvement, but that's politics. You gotta work
with what there is.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jul 92 20:04:14 GMT
From: padutton@wpi.WPI.EDU (Peter Alan Dutton)
Subject: Yeah!
Newsgroups: alt.spleen
In article <JON.92Jul17094141@zeus.med.utah.edu> jon@zeus.med.utah.edu (Jonathan Byrd) writes:
>In article <1992Jul17.121557.18680@vela.acs.oakland.edu> mwlucas@vela.acs.oakland.edu ( ) writes:
>
> BTW, what does a spleen do, anyway?
>
>it is a reticuloendothelial organ. it is involved in phagocytosis
>(cell-eating), it stores blood and iron, it produces blood cells in
>fetuses and it produces some antibodies.
>
>a person's spleen is normally about the size of their fist. it is red
>and white and pulpy, and is rumored to undergo slow, rhythmic
>contractions.
>
>--
>jonathan byrd
>jon@apollo.med.utah.edu
Whose idea was this anyway? What an odd idea for a group.
Could have been worse, though. Could have been rec.spleen,
or rec.music.spleen, or talk.politics.spleen
Watch for alt.spleen.newusers...
[The alt.* hierarchy seems to have a newsgroup for everything, even
things the rest of us don't completely understand.... --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------