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Yucks Digest V2 #40
Yucks Digest Sun, 19 Jul 92 Volume 2 : Issue 40
Today's Topics:
cutie (4 msgs)
Doomed Inmates - Last Words
Ham-UFO Conspiracy?
Harley-Davidsons Big In Japan
non-violent cannibalism
No rights in England
OPINION & ANALYSIS Where unbelievers fear to tread
Policy
Some days life is weirder than me
tigers
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 29 Apr 92 04:36:32 EDT (Wed)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: ixn5c!inuxc!nwuxc!otuxa!we13!burl!rcj
Name: r. curtis jackson
I found this on the DEC-10 at the University of Mississippi in 1979,
no one knows how long it was there before that:
COMPUTER SCIENCE SERENADE
*************************
(Sung to the tune of "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean")
My program lies under the backlog,
My card deck's all over the floor,
The plotter is using a crayon
And I just can't take any more.
CHORUS: Bring out, bring out,
Oh bring out my printout today, today.
Bring out, bring out
The one you ripped off yesterday.
The card reader chewed up my job card
And someone erased all my files;
The system has been down for hours
While people collapse in the aisles.
CHORUS: Flunk out, flunk out;
I work like a dog each and ev'ry day.
Flunk out, flunk out;
Twelve projects were due yesterday.
Security holes I've discovered,
The records of grades are now mine --
What once was a one-point-five average
Will soon be a three-point-nine-nine.
CHORUS: Send out, send out,
Oh send out the grades to big companies.
Send out, send out;
They'll all want a scholar like me !
- Terry Bolinger &
The Watt Five
(Computer Science Dept.
Univ. of Missouri-Rolla)
------------------------------
Date: 25 May 92 04:40:56 EDT (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: ihuxi!ixn5c!iwsl3!slab
Name: Dale Landmann
It seems that when the Earth was created, a large lever was erected with
the potential to totally destroy the Earth with a single forward thrust.
Naturally this was not a good entity to have lying about, since it
was so vulnerable to anyone or anything that wanted to have the world
destroyed with a minimal amount of effort. So the great and wonderful
leaders of the time got together to devise a plan to safeguard this lever
against anyone who may have the inclination to do away with the world.
They realized that the lever could not just be physically removed. The
solution was much more difficult. The only possibility that seemed
apparent was to have the lever guarded in some fashion.
Several of the leaders came up with great ideas, but simply were not
good enough due to the serious nature of the problem. Then a leader
of a small third world nation spoke out with an idea. He mentioned
a snake by the name of Nate that possessed the most piercing and deadly
gaze that could drop even the toughest beast dead in their tracks. The
great and wonderful leaders unanimously voted to hire Nate as the lever
guard. Nate was immediately placed on full time guard of the dangerous
lever.
Years went by without incident. Anytime that a person would get
within twenty yards of the lever, Nate would stare them down with
this piercing gaze, and as a result they would fall dead in their
tracks within seconds.
One day a local residence was receiving a furniture delivery. The
delivery person, who was not the most competent individual, forgot
to apply the parking brake as he exited the truck. The truck was
parked on top of a hill, so naturally it started to roll. As is
rolled it kept gaining more momentum. Faster and faster it rolled
down the hill. Oh no! It was rolling toward Nate the snake and
the dangerous lever with the potential to destroy the world. Nate
knew that he had to do something, and fast. He applied his deadly
piercing gaze to the truck, but it didn't work because the truck
was an inanimate object and could not be phased. At this point
Nate knew there was only one thing that he could do to stop the
truck, so Nate threw himself in front of the rolling truck. SPLAT!
Well, needless to say Nate became a hood ornament that day. Nate
was indeed a hero, for he risked his own life to keep the truck
from tripping the lever and destroying the entire world.
Moral of the Story: "Better Nate than Lever"
------------------------------
Date: 28 May 92 04:49:15 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: dciem!mmt
There once was a very poor major-league baseball team, which usually
came out bottom in its league, and thus had not much money to spend
on players or training facilities. Nevertheless, it had one or two
older players who had been good, and a few promising youngsters. The
training park was a bit ramshackle, in the fields among some horses.
One of the horses came over to look at what was going on. After a little
while, it came round to the manager and said "I think I could do as
well as these guys".
The manager was taken aback, but asked "Did you ever play baseball?"
"No, but I still think I could do better than them."
So the manager got one of his practice pitchers to throw some pitches
at the horse, who held the bat somehow or other. The horse hit most of
them for home runs. Then the manager got his star pitcher, the only one
with a better than .500 record the previous year, to throw some, and
the horse hit them, too.
"Well, you can bat, but can you field?" "I don't know, but I can try"
So they gave the horse a glove, and sent him into the outfield, where
he ran like the wind, caught everything over the whole outfield, and
threw straight and true back to the catcher.
The manager looked at his rule book, and found nothing against it, so
he signed the horse onto the team.
In order to keep the other teams off the track, he didn't play the horse
in spring training, but the knowledge that this horse was there to back
them up inspired the rookies and old-timers to perform better than they
ever had played, so that they were a contending team from the first
day of the season. In the last game, they needed just a win to clinch
the pennant. Going into the bottom of the ninth, they were behind by
one run, bases loaded, two out. The manager decided "Now's the time
for the horse", and sent him in to pinch-hit.
After a long argument with the umpires and the other manager, it was
decided that the horse could play, because there was no rule against it,
and the first pitch the horse hit into the outfield and off the wall.
The first runner scored, and the second, and the third, but the horse
just stood there. Eventually the ball was thrown to first base, and the
horse was tagged out. Game and pennant lost. The manager and team were
furious, and crowded round the horse: "Why didn't you run? We had the
game won if you had only got to first base!"
The horse looked back at them and said "Don't be silly:
Whoever heard of a horse running bases?"
(Not original with) Martin Taylor
------------------------------
Date: 9 Jul 92 08:44:52 EDT (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by akgua!edb
From: McCall's, June, 1983
Title: Thin People Don't
Author: Barbara Florio Graham
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their
suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again.
Now, at last, I've found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years
with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I've
found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently.
The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin
people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon
Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
prefer "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Cooking";
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order
to make interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except
in a special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy
chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and
whipped cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they
never quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the
jelly beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 92 10:02:59 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Doomed Inmates - Last Words
To: yucks-request
NEW YORK (AP)
Ted Bundy was sentimental. Gary Gilmore was succinct. Arthur Gary
Bishop was sorry.
Defiance, repentance, hostility, tranquility the last words of
the 169 prisoners executed in the United States since 1977 have
expressed an assortment of emotions.
This week, Robert Alton Harris, in a statement released after his
death Tuesday, offered a line inspired by the comedy "Bill and Ted's
Bogus Journey."
"You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everybody dances with
the Grim Reaper," said Harris, 39, executed for murdering two
teen-agers in 1978.
On April 6, Arizona prisoner Donald Eugene Harding declined to
make a final statement. The 43-year-old man signaled the executioner
to get started, then twice extended his middle finger the second
time just before dying in the gas chamber for the 1980 murder of two
businessmen.
Earlier this year, two Texas prisoners took a final shot at life
before receiving lethal injections.
"I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me,"
said Johnny Frank Garrett, 28, convicted of raping and killing a nun.
"And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."
Edward Ellis, 38, expressed a similar sentiment: "I just want
everybody to know that I think the prosecutor and Bill Scott are some
sorry sons of bitches." Scott, a fellow inmate, testified against
Ellis, who was sentenced to death for strangling a 74-year-old woman
in her bathtub.
The opportunity to deliver a final message dates back centuries.
"O, Liberty! How they have duped you!" proclaimed Madame Jeanne
Roland before the guillotine dropped on her during the French
Revolution.
In recent years, no inmate has pulled a Jimmy Cagney, whose
character in "Angels with Dirty Faces" was dragged to the electric
chair begging for deliverance.
Most accept their fate stoically; many decline to speak.
Oklahoma prisoner Robyn Leroy Parks, 37, condemned for the 1977
shooting of a gas station attendant, went out smiling. Minutes before
his death, his laughter was heard in the Oklahoma death chamber as he
joked with the prison warden.
"I don't recall what comments were made, but he chuckled. That's
his character," Warden Dan Reynolds said March 10.
Those who do speak often say little. "Give my love to my family
and friends," said Bundy, the serial killer who died in the Florida
electric chair on Jan. 25, 1989.
Gilmore, the first person executed in the United States after the
Supreme Court reinstated capital punishment in 1976, delivered his
final words on Jan. 17, 1977. Facing a five-man firing squad, the
double murderer said, "Let's do it."
His final words on leaving Utah's death row were to fellow inmate
Pierre Dale Selby: "I'll be seeing you directly."
Selby, dubbed the "Hi-Fi killer" for a 1974 triple torture-murder
in an electronics store, was executed 10 1/2 years later.
Asked if he had any final statement, the 34-year-old man replied,
"Thank you. I'm just going to say my prayers."
------------------------------
Date: 23 Mar 92 08:03:46 GMT
From: tad@ssc.wa.com (Tad Cook)
Subject: Ham-UFO Conspiracy?
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.misc
I saw something REALLY hilarious today in a "new age" bookstore in my
neighborhood here in Seattle. It was a book called "THE ENERGY GRID
1990 - Harmonic 695 - The Pulse of the Universe" by Bruce Cathie. In
it, Mr. Cathie describes how he figured out that there was a pattern
to UFO sightings when he plotted them on a map. He theorized that the
UFOs were kept aloft by some sort of anti-gravitational force at the
intersection of some energy lines that become obvious when viewing his
map.
The really funny thing was that he went to the locations where these
map lines converged, and found some other-worldly structures. He
believes that these strange structures beam energy to the UFOs. In
reading his descriptions, I realized that he was observing an HF
cubical quad antenna used by ham radio operators!
He eventually found out that hams lived at each of these locations
where he found the antennas, but believes that ham operators are
involved in some giant UFO conspiracy! He also does not believe that
amateur radio operators are capable of constructing such advanced
antennas without the help of ALIENS!
His further research uncovered HF Yagi antennas, and all sorts of
other wonderful things. His encounters with hams were interesting
too. He seemed to regard them as strange and possibly from other
planets!
I wonder what this guy would think if he ever travelled to the annual
Dayton Hamvention? Come to think of it, isn't DAYTON near the WRIGHT
PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE where the tabloids claim the SPACE ALIEN
BODIES captured in NEW MEXICO in 1949 are stored?
I knew there was something very strange about my hobby!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 92 10:03:31 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Harley-Davidsons Big In Japan
To: yucks-request
TOKYO (AP)
Most of the time, 64-year-old Seiji Otake is the mild-mannered
president of a printing company.
But once a month he squeezes into a black leather police-style
uniform, complete with shiny badge on the right breast pocket, and
leads the "Kings of the Highway" as they thunder out of town on their
massive Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
"We're not trying to scare people with the uniforms, they just
seem to fit with the style of the bike," Otake says.
The appeal of classic Americana and the camaraderie offered by
dozens of Harley riding groups have made Japan the largest foreign
market for the 89-year-old U.S. motorcycle maker.
More than 3,000 bikes were sold here last year. Sales have been
growing by about 10 percent annually.
Unlike the rebellious, individualistic style associated with the
bikes in America, the Kings of the Highway are a tight group and stay
on the side of the law. They even cooperate with traffic safety
groups and participate in town parades.
For the Kings, many of whom are in their 60s, the first images of
Harley-Davidsons were formed by the police-type models ridden by
American soldiers during the occupation of Japan after World War II.
The first Japanese highway patrol officers also used Harleys.
That authoritarian image, as well as the high price, has helped
keep Harleys mainly in the hands of older Japanese. One model
preferred by the oldsters costs over 2 million yen ($15,000), not an
outrageous sum for a company president, of which the Kings have
several.
The company has been pleased to see a recent jump in sales to
younger Japanese drawn to the unique Harley style.
"If you take the label off one of these new Japanese bikes, you
can't tell whether it's a Honda or a Kawasaki," says Kazuyoshi
Akamine, owner of Rikuyu Motors, a Harley dealer.
"But there's no mistaking a Harley."
The young riders generally prefer the more rebellious-looking "Low
Rider" and "Softtail" styles.
They also take more care than the older riders to customize their
bikes, something Harley aficionados in the United States take very
seriously.
Kenji Hirose, 23, loved the Harley he bought last year so much
that he told his buddies at work that if they didn't buy Harleys too,
he wouldn't talk to them anymore.
So they did.
"The bikes are real big and heavy, so they make an impression,"
says Hirose, who has seen the movie "Easy Rider," in which Dennis
Hopper and Peter Fonda ride souped-up Harleys, 15 times.
But the hefty price tag means a great sacrifice for these young
riders. Hirose just managed by splashing out his whole savings, but
his friend Keisuke Okamoto bought his bike on a loan that eats up
over a third of his monthly salary.
"I've had to cut back on a few expenses like food," he says.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 92 17:48:05 -0500
From: someone
Subject: non-violent cannibalism
To: yucks
[Not everything in Yucks is humorous and/or bizarre. Sometimes, I get
sent items that represent behavior several sigmas away from the norm.
This is one such. --spaf]
I'm disappointed. Truly I am. I make a thoroughly revolting claim (by most
people's standards), and no one even believes me. I wrote:
>>I've eaten human flesh.
And the responses were:
1> Let me guess. You've chewed off a loose bit of your skin?
2> What else can you do with a hangnail?
3> Yes, I've bitten off my own hangnails, too.
4> skin off of [someone's] sunburnt back
So, it looks like I'll have to let drop a few more details.
DETAIL A: It wasn't my own flesh, it was someone else's.
DETAIL B: The amount consumed was several ounces.
DETAIL C: I ate it stir-fried with vegetables. The taste was OK, although
if I had it to do over again (and cared to), I would probably just
saute it with bacon and onions.
DETAIL D: It was not fingernails, hair, dead skin, or other non-living body
matter. (I mean, really. Give me credit for *some* taste!)
So, any more clever explanations? C'mon, it's a riddle, the answer's not
that hard ...
Oh yes, in case anyone's getting upset by this, I should also add:
DETAIL E: No one died. No one was killed. No one was harmed. No one is
missing any part of their body which most readers [...] still have.
Overall, less violence was done than is done by grinding a single grain of
wheat into flour. My wife and several other relatives all know about this,
and, while they think it strange, none of them particularly holds it against
me or thinks I'm evil because of it. (This doesn't guarantee that all [...]
readers will be equally tolerant. :-) But I have faith that most are.)
Answer in a day or two ...
As several people guessed correctly, the answer is: I've eaten placenta.
It's rather difficult to prepare, since there is a somewhat thin layer of
edible meat on the maternal side, attached to a very tough membrane. What
seemed to work best was to take a sharp knife, lay the placenta maternal
side up, and carefully filet it by cutting between the membrane and the
spongy meat. This is about as much work as, say, deboning a chicken.
The taste was somewhat reminiscent of liver, which is why I made the comment
about sauteing it with bacon and onions next time. But there probably won't
be a next time, since a large part of my motivation was curiousity.
We buried the trimmings (and the leftovers) in the backyard, by candlelight.
"the only meat you can eat without killing something"
------------------------------
Date: 5 Dec 91 12:15:44 GMT
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: No rights in England
phil@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (Phil Howard KA9WGN) writes:
> So what is the advice to those who would travel to London?
Wait six months and go to EuroDisneyland instead. I understand that
La Rue Main will actually be considered American soil and therefore
you will be free to enjoy your vacation armed to the teeth. In fact,
EuroDisneyland will be exactly like "old" Europe, but much better run.
Consider just a few differences:
feature Europe EuroDisneyland
====================================================================
castles old, run-down new, very clean
museums boring, musty lots of holograms and lasers
toilets dire, holes in the floor spotless, gleaming
food greasy, smells funny have it your way
locals difficult, foreign fresh-faced, eager to please
guides tempermental, hard to understand michel mouse!
language weird, like in WW2 films universal dudes
====================================================================
There's just no contest. Book now and avoid the rush.
disney uber alles
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 21:45:32 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: OPINION & ANALYSIS Where unbelievers fear to tread
To: yucks-request
By M.G. Lord Copley News Service
Recently, while driving from Long Island into Manhattan, I searched
for my favorite Hartford, Conn.,-based tacky rock 'n' roll radio
station. I found it, but instead of its usual musical fare, I heard
Mirabella columnist and Hartford Courant reporter Colin McEnroe
talking for an hour with a female theologian about, well, angels.
Not the Broadway kind, or the baseball kind, but the kind in Psalm
91: "For he shall give his angels charge over thee ... they shall
bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a
stone."
In December, McEnroe wrote a long article for the Courant about the
incorporeal creatures, whom Thomas Aquinas placed in the chain of
being above man (with whom they share rationality) ... and beneath God
(with whom they share invisibility, but not divinity).
Since then, McEnroe has been deluged with mail from readers who
believe they have been literally "borne up" by angelic hands, lifted
out of car wrecks and snatched away from the paths of oncoming
vehicles.
I would have dismissed this broadcast as a fluke had I not opened
the New Republic when I got home and found Morton Kondracke holding
forth on the same unlikely subject. Kondracke focused on the shadowy
religious content of Lawrence Kasdan's movie "Grand Canyon."
"Kasdan believes in angels people who unaccountably come along
and rescue others," Kondracke wrote. "He believes in `fate' and
`luck' and `miracles."'
And evidently so do officials of the Bush re-election campaign.
When Kondracke asked them about their themes for the future, they told
him, "Go see `Grand Canyon."'
Even in the weeks before Easter when Christians ritually retell
the story of an angel removing the rock that sealed Christ's tomb I
was shocked to hear so many secular references to a non-secular
phenomenon. I wondered if it were a trend. Was America experiencing
some sort of collective fantasy of supernatural rescue?
I was about to say that I myself have had no contact with angels.
No mysterious iridescent figure has ever fixed a flat for me or yanked
me from the abyss.
But "angelos," the Greek word from which "angel" derived, means
messenger, and refers simply to an order of being that God uses for
his purposes.
Except for a mysterious creature who pulls Kasdan's central
character out of the path of a bus, most of the "angels" in "Grand
Canyon" are, in fact, people volunteers, Bush's infamous "thousand
points of light" who go out of their way to help strangers. If
"angel" can be defined that broadly, I've had a few meddling in my
life, even occasionally making it better.
It's not easy in 1992 to find experts willing to help one interpret
the idea of an angel revival. Aquinas doesn't exactly have a listed
phone number. I did, however, manage to reach Yale University theology
Professor Jaroslav Pelikan, who noted in his book, "Melody of
Theology," that some present-day physicists see similarities between
some of Aquinas' ideas about angels and "the qualities now ascribed
to quarks and other equally mysterious creaturely (subatomic)
forces."
Pelikan was not pleased that Hollywood and the Republicans have
taken up angels. He felt that the rash of winged helpers in popular
culture emerged from the "shadowy line between superstition and
religion," where man's hankering after the supernatural can be
satisfied without the taxing "demands of loyalty, obedience and
faith" that established religions place upon their adherents.
"There's a sinister kind of vague spirituality about," Pelikan
said, "and an interest in the occult. ... And so much of these are
directed toward the middle-rank supernatural. It's not an effort to
puzzle out the properties of God, but of these sort of junior
executives."
The Very Rev. James Parks Morton, dean of St. John the Divine
Cathedral in Manhattan, was less dismissive of the angels fluttering
through popular culture.
"What's so important is that it gets us out of the way of thinking
in which the universe is reduced to things that are only visible," he
said. "The greatest realities of life are beyond the visible and
beyond the quantifiable."
Still, he added: "Anything good can be misused in a sinister and
desperate way."
I can't say for sure why angels have been springing up lately. My
hunch is that they've been around all along. And because they give
without taking, they're the perfect helpmeet for the lazy,
self-involved spirituality of today's times. I'd be more heartened if
trendmonger Kasdan had made a movie about disciplined people meeting
the demands of a disciplined religion.
Angels may be a great help if your car breaks down by the side of
the road, but it takes morality and faith and all the hard religious
stuff to make sure that the road you're on is the right one.
------------------------------
From: pseudonym (Ima Pseudonym)
Subject: Policy
To: spaf
As you may know, the Electrical Engineering Department here at Purdue
University is having some budget problems. Due to budget cuts by the
state of Indiana legislature and by the state of the economy in general,
not as much money is coming into the department as usual. You may have noticed
that there are fewer graders and TAs per student and that some professors had
to put off redecorating their offices.
Due to these and other considerations the Department of Electrical Engin-
eering can no longer support undergraduate students on ECN. Thus, starting
next fall, instead of having computer account to do their homework on, all
Electrical Engineering Students will be required to buy a slide-rule and
some graphical arts supplies.
This quite shocked me when I heard about this new policy and so I went
and talked one of the proponents of the new plan. He asked to remain nameless,
so we shall call him Derf.
"I learned to use a slide-rule in high school", said Derf, "because there
was nothing else. You can get at least three decimal place accuracy with them,
and basically nothing undergraduates do needs any more than that. You can even
do integrals and differentials on them if you are clever enough. They are
extremly cheap in this day and age, and it should be no fnantial hardship on
the student to get one. The department can probably set up something with the
bookstore.
"Actually there are many advantages to going to the slide-rule and paper
system. Power fluctuations are no longer a problem. Two hundred students
can use the slide-rules without having any slowdowns. They are extremely
portable, and standardized. Also, the department doesn't have to spend money on
expensive air conditioning for slide-rules."
"Most students don't come from your generation and have no idea how to
use a slide-rule, how will they learn?", I asked.
"In the beginning of all the computer classes, we do a couple of days
of teaching the studends all about UNIX. We can just replace those days with
lectures on the slide-rule."
"But what about the computer classes?", I ask.
"That can all be done in theory and turned in on paper", replied Derf.
"The concecpt is the important thing anyways. The student just designs the
program on paper, and from there, the grader can determine if it works. If
the grader has time, he might even type the program in on his Sun Workstation."
Obviously this is a big blow to the Computer Engineering program here
at Purdue. I asked Prof. Dietz to comment on this new development.
"I am not sure what we are going to do", said Dietz. "It is obvious that
we will have to do some major restructuring. This decision is going to set
us back decades."
As an aside, Prof. Dietz did say that he did have a tentative plan to
make 16,000 slide-rules work together in parallel.
There is still discussion going on about this plan and I will keep you
posted. Graduate classes will not be affected.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 7:57:24 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Some days life is weirder than me
To: spaf
[All other comments in [] in this article are meo's, not mine. --spaf]
According to the 3/92 _World Press Review_, a growing group
of Peruvians want to petition the US Congress to let Peru
become the 51st state in the USA.
[Could Columbia be far behind? Would we have to go through
Customs twice in, say, Guatemala, if we had to change planes
there?]
In yesterday's _Austin American Statesman_, a family in Canada
was reported as being nearly extinct. The parents, unhappy
and agitated over life, headed for the mountains to complete
a suicide pact they made. The 11-year old girl opted out at
a rest stop, so they gave her $200CA and a blanket, and left
her there, barefoot. She told someone who called the police,
and the parents and her 5-year-old brother were caught before
the pact was carried out.
[I wonder if they'll try him as an adult?]
And from today's _Statesman_:
Edward Moffat, a local actor, was practicing his sword fight
scene for an upcoming production of 'Romeo and Juliet' - at
night, on a unicycle, on the main drag near UT. Despite the
fact that the weapons were stage props (both sword and dagger
have dulled ends, the sword bends on impact), a local officer
booked him, and he spent the night in jail with truck loads
of cockroaches [no news on why they were arrested].
Moffat was released on a $900US personal bond, but the
"weapons" were kept as evidence, so understudies have
been pressed into service.
(From the N Y Times News Service, used without permission)
No Laughing Matter: Price of Guffaw Slips
The price of a guffaw slipped slightly during the
past 12 months, according to the 1992 Cost of
Laughing Index - no joke.
The index, which tracks 17 leading humor indicators
such as club admission and slap-stick gags, dropped
0.03 percent for the 12 months ending Feb. 29,
according to creator malcolm Kushner, a Santa Cruz,
Calif. consultant.
The price of admission to comedy clubs, for instance,
dropped 4.5 percent, while rubber chicken prices
held firm at %57.60 a dozen. Also holding steady
were singing pink gorilla telegrams at $75.
The nation's pranksters, however, did face some
rising costs during the past year: The price of
Groucho Glasses increased 40 cents to $15 per
dozen.
[I can see the US DOD buying the rubber chickens
in quantity, but who else? And who buys Groucho
Glasses by the dozen? Actors on unicycles?]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 92 17:44:17 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: tigers
>> And yes, kiddies, tigers really are as big and poofy and
>> soft as they look, and they purr like a freight train
>> going by. You don't want to know what it takes to find
>> this out.
>Au contraire. We're agog. Galore of agog people faunch to know,
>among them
Well, OK, you find this out by taking one for a walk To take a
tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the
bush are not recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is
one who's used to the procedure. He or she is thus liable to be
merely playful, rather than actively irritated. You also need a
friend, whom you really, really trust.
The friend carries an apple-wood cane - apple, or some other wood
which will bend under stress rather than shattering. This friend
is your backup, and the cane is his or her only tool for everything,
from knocking stuff out of the way that the tiger is liable to eat,
to crowd control, to hooking on and madly hanging on if things go
wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten-foot length of pass-link chain. This is
your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each
other. This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety
clip. The chain is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a
giant choke-chain, but the clip is there to keep a loop of some sort
in case things go badly wrong. You carry the chain looped in one hand
in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole length of chain to be
dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm with it.
You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not.
You gauge the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There
isn't a whole lot more to say about this step except to say that
that is why your friend is there, OUTside the cage. On your side
is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash is for by this time
and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are
also much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're
standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front
with the cane to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your
side, keeping pretty good control and letting the tiger know that
you are Paying Attention, because if the tiger thinks you are not
Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do - let you know that
you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big
enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the
situation. Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your
legs out from under you is generally considered good enough by most
tigers. They think this is hilarious. To this extent, tigers
differ from housecats in that they seem to have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants.
In this case the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job
is to stop it. This is generally done by wrapping the chain around
something that you pass, as the tiger drags you away. This will
slow it down enough for your friend to jump on top of you and grab
the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The weight
of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to
make things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around
and turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least
in the short term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger
to do. They enjoy their fun but are generally not ill-tempered.
If they are they don't get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field
claim that this is not purring, that it means something else, but
you couldn't put it by me. Sure sounded like purring - at 16-2/3
RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source
of cocktail party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you
limp for the rest of the day.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------