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Yucks Digest V2 #39
Yucks Digest Wed, 15 Jul 92 Volume 2 : Issue 39
Today's Topics:
1-900-ALL-UNIX
Amusement
another Kult Klassic Kino Klip
Drug-sniffing dogs star on cards
Easter;Paraphsychology versus Viruses
FLASH! Heist updates!
Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
Scientific footnote of the week and vocabulary word of the day
Spamarama
suicidal tendencies
The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste
The Temptation of Saint Anthony
TOPS-20, still making money...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 11 Apr 92 08:30:04 GMT
Subject: 1-900-ALL-UNIX
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Original: (and it really works, too)
-------------------------------
SunOS% finger deutsch@chopin.udel.edu
[chopin.udel.edu]
Login name: jon In real life: Jonathan R Deutsch
Directory: /home/brahms/usrc/10517 Shell: /bin/tcsh
On since Jan 30 16:15:10 on ttypf from chapel-ts4.udel.
No unread mail
Project: To consult where no man has consulted before.
Plan:
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Call 1-900-ALL-UNIX
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
Talk 1-on-1 to a REAL Sun workstation.
--------------------------------------
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
No recordings. No AIX.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
It's the REAL THING.
Call NOW, they're waiting for YOUR call.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
"I want to run YOUR process" -- a real Sun workstation
"Your login makes me tingly all over" -- another real Sun workstation
"I like users with BIG code" -- "Suzan@sun.900.num"
"Can you find my cntrl-G spot?" -- "Sherry@sun.900.num"
"Lay your 'pipe', I can handle it" -- "Marie@sun.900.num"
"I like collecting shells on the boardwalk" -- "Dawn@sun.900.num"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*
CALL NOW!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 1992 12:49:43 -0600
From: cline@cs.utexas.edu (Alan Cline)
Subject: Amusement
To: faculty@cs.utexas.edu
I do not know the originator of the following message. It
was forwarded to me by one of our former students. You may
find it amusing.
Pro Forma
The Magazine for the Busy Academic
Volume 1 Number 1 June, 1992
A new journal devoted to those who do not have time to read it.
No articles - no commentary - no book reviews!
All sections can be read in less time than it takes to advise the
average undergraduate student.
Here are some of the topics and sections to appear in the first
issue:
The Legal Advisor:
"Don't Publish - Don't Perish: Creative Litigation and
Tenure"
The Art of the Conference:
"Being a Discussant Without Reading the Papers"
*Opening remarks for every session
"These papers admirably demonstrate both the strengths
and weaknesses of the field today."
"It is nice to see that some people can still get
interested in this topic."
*10 French names that intimidate
*10 all-purpose long summary sentences with no content
*The art of academic flattery through easy key words
"seminal, pathbreaking, essential, fundamental....."
"The All-Purpose Abstract"
*Just fill in five blanks and this abstract works in any
discipline, for any conference.
*Abstracts that describe any paper you later write
Postmodern, Positivist, Critical, Feminist
"When You Just can't write the Paper - Creative Withdrawls
from the Program"
Easier Publishing:
"Citation analysis : Journals in your discipline that are
desperate for papers"
"Ins and outs of repeat publishing - change that title!"
"One paper - eight foreign Graduate students - eight
translations - eight foreign publications - all in six
months!"
The Tenure and Promotion File:
"How to form or join a citation circle"
*agreements that multiply your entries in the annual
citation index by 10
"Make a 1-page comment count the same as a book
"Obscure journals that sound important
"5 ways to get your book accepted without review"
"Getting good letters from people who don't know you"
The Pro Forma Bookshelf
"100 One-Line Current Book Summaries"
*Allows you to freely cite pages, without buying or
reading the book!
*Easy-to remember critiques for conversation or class
*Classified by discipline
*Rated for political correctness by our panel
"Boilerplate - A New Computer Program that Writes
Half of your Monograph"
"Classics in Your Discipline"
*Survey reports how many of your colleagues have actually
read the classics in your field.
Cooperation Column:
Co-Authorship Exchange
Have Data, Need Theory
Have Theory, Need Data
Washington Buzzword Watch
Regular updates from the Beltway Bandit
What is Hot in NSF and NEH Panels this year
Trends in Cross-Disciplinary Buzzword Transmission
Plus! These new columns to appear in the next issue
Advising Timesavers
Dissertation Defenses without Preparation
Advertisers
Submission Services International
We reformat and resubmit until you get accepted!
Thousands of journals on our lists!
Data Recycling Central
Don't throw that old data away! We have buyers for
good pre-owned data sets, lab notes and interview
transcripts!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 12:44:04 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: another Kult Klassic Kino Klip
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: mo@gizmo.bellcore.com (Michael O'Dell)
"Leningrad Cowboys Go American"
At the recommendation of Julf Helsigius, we have been on the lookout for
this Finnish film about a Russian band who goes to the US to make fame
and fortune after their local commissar gives them a less than rave
review. It is GREAT!!!!
A little like "The Blues Brothers", a little like "Repo Man", and a lot
of very funny originality, shot on location "at bars, diners, and filling
stations across the US" to quote the credits. A classic "Road Trip" movie
of the first joint.
This is a true gem. Joe Bob Briggs eat your heart out!!!
We rented in on video, an Orion Classics release, and were ready for an
evening of Finnish dialog and subtitles. Well, we were half right - there
were subtitles, but the dialog was mostly in English(!), except for the
occassional song in (Julf's description:) Fractured Finnish. Oh yes, one
in Russian, as well.
There are a number of great running sight-gags through the film, and the
characterizations are choice, as well. The band's manager is the
quintissential scuzzball manager. In one scene, when the band members
finally demand to be fed, he buys a bag of onions and they all sit,
hunched down in a group, munching their onions, while the manager feigns
making a phone call and slips around the corner to eat real food. Judy
says some knowledge of soviet culture helps one understand the deeper
humor of some of these gags, but it isn't crucial to laughing.
It's great gags, great cars, and Deep Kitsch Americana as seen by a
Finnish film crew having a Fine Old Time filming across America. I would
love to have been on the crew!!
So, run right out and DEMAND this film. You won't be sorry.
-Mike O'Dell
PS - and while you're at it, find a copy of the new CD release of THE
Raymond Scott Quintet. Raymond Scott is the composer who was ripped-off
non-stop by Carl Stallings for the Warner Brothers cartoon soundtracks.
Hear "Powerhouse" done by one of the few seven-piece Quintets around in
the 40s. More great stuff.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 00:03:34 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Drug-sniffing dogs star on cards
To: yucks-request
By Philip J. LaVelle
Copley News Service
SAN DIEGO There's a new breed of San Diego All-Stars on the
national trading-card scene, and we're not talking Benito Santiago
in fact, we're talking about a bunch of dogs.
Real ones.
With names like Snag, Sinbad and Simon, these furry quadrupeds are
the first-stringers in the U.S. Customs Service's war on drugs. From
San Diego to Miami, these sharp-nosed pooches have sniffed out a
combined $12 billion in hidden narcotics booty.
And starting this month, their smiling dog faces began showing up
nationwide on trading cards stuffed into Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit boxes.
It's all part of a cooperative venture between the doggie treat maker
and the Customs Service.
"We figure it's great exposure for both Milk-Bone and for the U.S.
Customs drug dogs," said Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco Foods
Group, parent of Milk-Bone.
"This is something Nabisco feels strongly about. They believe in
the message that they give to the children," Smith said from
corporate headquarters in Parsippany, N.J.
The message: a simple Just Say No-style moral, is delivered in a
kind of Lassie vs. the Cartel Lords plot.
The front of the cards features a photo of the happy-faced, furry
cops.
On the back: The dog's seizure stats, a number kids can call to
snare suspected smugglers (800-BE-ALERT), and the exhortation to
"STOP DRUG SMUGGLING!"
Customs began using about a half-dozen dogs in the early 1970s. Now
there are more than 300 dogs in the service many of them rescued
from the pound.
"We pull 'em off of Death Row and give them a shot," Customs
Service spokesman Steve Duchesne said from Washington, D.C.
"Many of these are dogs that people don't want any more. However,
they're basically intelligent animals that have incredibly keen
senses."
Duchesne said the dogs go through a 12-week training program. The
graduates are "highly trained, effective officers," he said. Those
that flunk are put into private homes, and not returned to the pound.
Of 24 dogs featured nationally, seven are from the San Diego
County-Imperial County region.
Snag, a 4-year-old Labrador retriever based in San Diego, wagged
his tail into history on Oct. 4, 1990, when he sniffed out 8,705
pounds of Colombian cocaine hidden in a propane gas tanker stopped at
the Otay Mesa border crossing.
That load worth nearly $784 million was the largest border
seizure in U.S. history.
Other San Diego star dogs include Sinbad (Labrador retriever mix,
$38.9 million in career seizures); Blow (Labrador mix, $17.3 million);
Simon (golden retriever, $82.5 million); Tia (Labrador, $48.1
million); Tom (Labrador, $40.3 million); and Benny (golden retriever,
$20 million).
The trading card program began 18 months ago in Dallas, where
Customs dog trainers took their charges on the road to local schools
for "demonstration" visits. The visits ended with trainers handing
out doggie trading cards to students.
Demand for the cards soon outstripped supply.
Rather than end up in the doghouse of defeat, the feds began
looking for corporate sponsors for their trading cards, and found a
partner in Milk-Bone. Duchesne said Milk-Bone was the only dog food
manufacturer to take up the service's call for help.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Apr 92 15:25 +0100
From: Klaus Brunnstein <brunnstein@rz.informatik.uni-hamburg.dbp.de>
Subject: Easter;Paraphsychology versus Viruses
Under April 2nd (!!), 1992, a letter writer (Swetlana ...) from Kiew (Ucraine)
sent me a letter (in Russian) with the following content which may open a new
era (?) of virus combat:
Dear Prof. Klaus Brunnstein,
in the newspaper, I read an article of E.Bovkun about "The Dark Avenger
is uncatchable" (April 8,1991). And who knows why, it excited me and I
wrote down your adress without supposing that during my work I encountered
a computer virus problem.
My profession is parapsychology and paraphilosophy. I have some thoughts
and ideas regarding virus removal with the application of those possibili-
ties provided by my profession. I suppose that these can lead to the
creation of new generation computers which the virus is not dangerous at
all.
If you come here into our country or any of your collaborators does, I am
ready to meet with you and speak on these subjects. .. Unfortunately I do
not speak German. Sincerely yours Swetlana ..."
Comment: 1) my translator (Vesselin Bontchev) says that there is no legal
profession of parapsychologist or paraphilosopher in Former Sowjet
Union.
2) Moreover, he knows for sure that Dark Avenger is catchable (but
there are no laws in Bulgaria which might be applied to catch him).
No comment on the suggestion to use para-methods against viruses.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 18 Apr 92 21:42:50 -0500
From: genek@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
Subject: FLASH! Heist updates!
To: bob
This week had its ups and downs for bank robbers. Luckily,
the Chicago Tribune has been following these events with
incredible tenacity. Here are two excerpts, reprinted without
permission....
====
(Chicago Tribune, April 17, 1992, Page A2)
ROBBER ARMED WITH HYPNOTISM GETS $4,000
REGGIO CALABRIA, Italy (Reuters) -- A bank robber hypnotized a
cashier into giving him the money during a holdup in southern
Italy Thursday, police said.
Mesmerized teller Daniela Ielo, 21, of the Reggeo Calabria branch
of the Banca Nazionale del Lavoro told police she handed over
around $4,000. Police said the thief escaped.
====
(Chicago Tribune, April 18, 1992, Page A10)
INEPT ROBBER HAS APTITUDE FOR FAILURE
HAVERHILL, Mass (AP) -- Police didn't take long to arrest a
suspect in a bank robbery. He allegedly wrote down his name and
address at the bank and tried to make his getaway on a bicycle,
trailing smoke from a bank booby trap.
...
The red smoke was dye from a small explosive device used by banks
to mark stolen bills and robbers with bold color.
"I never saw anyone rob a bank and try to get away on a bicycle,"
Charroux told the Haverhill Gazette. "He didn't even have a
10-speed. It was just an old two-speed job."
Within minutes, police found Gillis, 44, struggling along on a
bicycle, covered with red dye and coughing and sneezing.
Gillis was arraigned on unarmed robbery charges. Bail was set at
$25,000 and Haverhill district Court Judge James O'Leary also
recommended a psychiatric evaluation.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Apr 92 07:37:41 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
To: yucks
[Why did I think of Yucks when I read the following in the
May '92 Spy?]
"...the monthly journal Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality.
A generally sobersided publication, MAHS does have its
Unusual Case column, which features synopses of, well,
DARNED unusual cases submitted by physicians. For
example, a psychiatrist in Manhattan wrote in about a patient
who was in the Army and wondered whether his sexual
practices made him "different" from other people: "I like
girls, and I certainly enjoy sex with them, but... I like having
sex with guys, too... [And] from what I understand, the other
guys in my unit never had sex with anybody in their family. I
used to have sex with my mother, my father, and... sisters and
brothers... And I used to have sex with some of the [farm]
animals."
When the psychiatrist asked whether the soldier could afford
to get private professional help when he went back to civilian
life, the patient said, "Doctor, that's a very personal question."
BA-DUMP?
Usually, though, these accounts do not suggest Playboy's
Party Jokes so much. A doctor in Kentucky described a
patient who asked him to remove a die from her vagina. Her
boyfriend had persuaded her to insert a pair - he "enjoyed the
sensation of something hard hitting his penis" - and one got
lost. A doctor in Fort Worth wrote about a 74-year-old man
who came in complaining of a "severely swollen penis [that]
was covered with a slightly yellowish crust." The doctor - and
this is just as weird as anything the patient did - DIDN'T
EXAMINE THE AFFLICTED PENIS but prescribed oral
medication and topical agents. Matters did not improve; on
the man's third visit, the doctor took a look. He found a
rubber band under the foreskin. "Doctor, how could it have
gotten there?" was the patient's response. Later he blamed a
friend.
A doctor from Pennsylvania shared the tale of a 40-ish
factory worker who came in with a severely damaged
scrotum; the left testicle was missing, and there were deep
lacerations that the injured man had sutured himself - with a
heavy-duty staple gun and eight one-inch staples. The injured
man - "an unmarried loner," as the doctor describes him -
explained what had happened: At lunchtime, when his co-
workers left the machine shop to eat, the man "frequently
masturbated by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt
of a piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached
orgasm... his scrotum suddenly became caught between the
pulley-wheel and the drive-belt [and] he was thrown into the
air and landed a few feet away... He stapled the wound closed
and resumed work."
Men are not the only ones prone to unusual approaches to
self-gratification. A doctor in Missouri wrote about a 32-
year-old woman who came into an emergency room to see
whether she needed stitches in her vagina, saying she had
gotten "carried away" while masturbating with a pair of
scissors. "It's quite enjoyable," the patient confided. "No man
can compare with cold, hard steel."
[Yucks trivia time: one of the above cases has appeared in
Yucks before. Which one?]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 16:20:21 EDT
From: weemba@libra.wistar.upenn.edu
Subject: Scientific footnote of the week and vocabulary word of the day
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
In Ellis Y Yochelson "Problematic/Incerta Sedi" in Alberto M Simonetta
and Simon Conway Morris (eds) THE EARLY EVOLUTION OF METAZOA AND THE
SIGNIFICANCE OF PROBLEMATIC TAXA (Cambridge, 1991), appears the following
somewhat problematic footnote:
**This is a perfectly good word, meaning in effect to
cling to one's opinion in the face of authority, as I
cling to my view that there are quite a few extinct
classes within the Mollusca (Peel, this volume) and
that these classes are not closely related (Yochelson,
1963). (Some definitions of mumpsimus give it as: "A
bigoted adherent to exposed but customary error" but
that obviously does not apply to me.)
Much as I abhor footnotes, occasionally they are useful
in brightening a paper. One can employ a writing style
of the third person obtuse, but I remain mumpsimus that
occasionally a serious subject should be treated in a
light-hearted manner. Authority is a dangerous concept
and no less so in science than in other fields. Palae-
ontologists should examine the objects (fossils) on which
concepts are based on not be subservient to authority.
After all, the discovery of an unusual fossil in the
Ordivician of Cincinnati, Ohio, did lead to the word
"serendipity" becoming a household expression in some
circles of American palaeonotology. It took almost as
long to find the word "mumpsimus" as it did to dis-
cover that the slash in "and/or" is referred to as
a "virgule". In a sense this has little to do with
the subject at hand, but in another real sense the
issue is about trying to make vague notions more rigor-
ous. This may be impossible, but as a start, I believe
that using the correct word is as important in discussion
as using the correct taxa in proposing a phylogeny.
Later, after the author reviews the history of past taxonomic problematic
fossils that turned out to be ridiculous blunders (the most embarrassing
apparently being a cigarette lighter enjoying a short scientific career
masquerading as _Calcophysoides balli_ for a while), he defends his own
mistakes:
A moral I can draw is that when one is sure a mistake has
been made, it is better to correct it than to have a col-
league point this out (Yochelson, 1989); (on the other hand,
I study Gastropoda, and one learns that the first step in a
movement from one place to another is to stick the neck out.)
And yes, "mumpsimus" is a perfectly real word. A sumpsimus is the
pedantic correction to a mumpsimus. The legendary etymology involves
an aged priest who has been using the m-word instead of the s-word
in the Mass for his whole life, and upon being corrected by a junior
know-it-all, says "I will not trade my mumpsimus for your sumpsimus".
Perhaps the AFU motto has been identified at last.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 22:10:37 CDT
From: Patricia O Tuama <rissa@cs.uchicago.edu>
Subject: Spamarama
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
from the chicago tribune 4/12/2
Wet or dry, festival is simply Spamtastic
by Debbie Hiott
Austin, Tejas -- It's hard to tell if the annual festival honors or
ridicules the most mysterious of mystery meats, but fans say there
is no riddle about Spamarama's appeal.
"It's just an Austin cultural event, I couldn't miss it," said Linda
North, a self-professed Spam groupie, at the recent Spamarama 1992.
Held on the heels of heavy rain, the Spam Olympics, the athletic por-
tion of Spamarama, may have been messier than usual, but about 200
spectators, contestants and organizers decided the games should go on.
"We will always have our die-hard Spamarites," said organizer Sharon
Arnsberger. "They were lining up in the rain waiting to get started.
Arnsberger's husband, Dave, known as the Potentate of Potted Meat,
started Spamarama in 1974, his answer to what he called "the excesses
of chili (sic) cook-offs."
Now, as Spamarama celebrates its 17th year, Arnsberger said he is not
surprised by the event's rate of degeneration since conception. "It's
always getting bigger and better -- or worse," he said. "Next year
we're considering women's Spam wrestling."
This marked only the third year the Spam Olympics was held as part of
Spamarama. By the afternoon the skies had cleared enough for Spam
sports, including the Spam throw, toss, call and the cram, an eating
contest.
Gonzo Gonzales, winner of the Spam throw with a heave of about 40 feet,
claimed the Spam Olympics are no laughing matter for contestants. "I've
been in intense training for at least 5 to 10 minutes," Gonzales said.
Competition also was hot in the Spam toss, where partners lob the meat
to each other across varying distances and try to hang on to their
catches in spite of the slime that coats the meat. The team of Bryan
Donner and Chris Dezarn beat several other duos but faltered on their
sixth throw, Donner going down amid cries of "I've been Spammed!"
Although the Spam Olympics were popular, the Spam cook-off remained the
focus of the day. Professional and amateur cooks competed in several
categories. "It's just for fun," said contestant Howard Burke.
Burke and his crew handed out Spamples of Tex-Mex Spam recipes, every-
thing from Spajitas to Spamigas. Other unique concoctions included
Spampagne, liquefied meat and champagne; Pig Newtons, a pork variation
on the popular fig treats; and Spam Chowder.
Dezarn said the potted meat containing chopped pork and pork shoulder,
sugar, salt, water and sodium nitrite brings out the philosophical
side of Spam lovers.
"Spam," he said, "is just a state of mind."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Apr 1992 07:49:48 GMT
From: cpl1@kimbark.uchicago.edu (M. d'Nereverri)
Subject: suicidal tendencies
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
from the winston-salem JOURNAL, 6 April 1992:
_Man Survives 2 Attempts At Suicide in Same Day_
KENMORE, N.Y. (AP)
A man who leapt from a fourth-story window and survived by
landing on a car, rode an elevator back up and repeated
his suicide attempt -- jumping from the same window and
landing on the same car.
The man, 30, survived both 40-foot leaps and was in fair
condition yesterday at a hospital in Buffalo, police
said.
"That's a total of eight floors and, other than a broken
wrist and a broken ankle, he's in as good shape as you or
I," police Capt. Emil Palombo said.
In his first attempt Saturday morning, the man "had to
take a running leap because those windows don't open,"
Palombo said.
He dove through a double-pane window, landing on the car,
buckling the roof and doors, and smashing its rear
windows, Palombo said.
Although dazed and bleeding from facial cuts, the man got
up and walked to the building's elevator, a witness told
police.
"He was cut up -- there was a trail of blood going into
the hall, up the elevator and into the room," Palombo
said.
Police Lt. Ronald Sardina arrived at the six-story
building in time to see the man make his second jump onto
the crumpled car.
"I saw a sneaker, some blood and a lot of glass," said
Sardina, who spotted the car. "I looked up, and he
appeared at the broken window and just kept coming."
Palombo said police believe that the man suffered his most
serious injuries in the second fall, when the car no
longer absorbed the impact and "kind of flattened out like
a Dumpster."
The man lived in the building last year, moved out, then
moved back in last week, neighbors said.
Police found nothing in the apartment to indicate that the
man was suicidal. Palombo said that people who attempt
suicide often try again "but not in the time span of
two-three minutes."
"God bless him, he's alive," Palombo said. "Whatever help
he needs, he's going to get it."
[Does that mean he's going to help him commit suicide? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 14 Apr 92 20:24:27 -0500
From: Jeff Schwab <jrs@ecn.purdue.edu>
Subject: The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste
To: bob
Well, I came across this little book today entitled
"The Encylopedia of Bad Taste" subtitled "A Celebration
of American Pop Culture at its Most Joyfully Outrageous".
Enclosed for your enjoyment is the list of chapter titles
from this book.
[Of course, the thing I find most scary is that portions
appear to be the packing list for a GSP raft trip ]
Jeff
--------------
Accordion Music Fontainbleau Hotel Nose Jobs
Aerosol Cheese Forest Lawn Cemetery Novelty Wrestling
Ant Farms Frederick's of Hollywood Nudism
Arm Wrestling Fuzzy Dice Panty-Hose Crafts
Artificial Grass Gabors Parton, Dolly
Artistry in Denim Gags and Novelties Pepper Mills, Huge
Ashtrays Game Shows Perky Nuns
Baker, Tammy Faye Guccione, Bob Pet CLothing
Barbie Doll Hamburger Helper Polyester
Baton Twirling Happy Face Polynesian Food
Beer Hawaiian Shirts Poodles
Bell Bottoms Heavy Metal Pop-Topping
Bikers Hellenic Diners Professional Wrestling
Body Building Home Shopping Network Reclining Chairs
Boudoir Photography Hot Pants Rickie Tickie Stickies
Bouffants Hummel Ware Roller Derby
Bowling Jello Ronco
Breasts, Enormous Jogging Suits Shag Rugs
Bumper Stickers Katz, Morris Smoky Mountains
Cadillacs Keane, Margaret and Walter Sno-Globes
Candle Art Las Vegas Spam
Carr, Allan Lava Lite Surf-N-Turf
Carvel, Tom Lawn Ornaments T-Shirts
Cedar Souvenirs Leisure Suits Tattoos
Charo Leopard Skin Taxidermy
Chihuahuas Liberace Telethons
Chldren's Names [Cute] Limousines Treasures from Trash
Chippendales Loud Ties Troll Dolls
Christmas Trees, Artif. Low Riders Tuna Casserole
Cool Whip Macrame Tupperware
Cozies Malls TV Dinners
Day-Glo Colors Mansfield, Jayne Twinkies
Death Cars of theFamous Maraschino Cherries Unicorns and Rainbows
Designer Jeans Meat Snack Foods Vanity License Plates
Dinosaur Parks Mime Vans
Disco Minature Golf Velvet Paintings
Driftwood Mobile Homes Waltzing Waters
Elevator Shoes Monster Trucks Water Beds
Elvisiana Mood Rings Wax Museums
Epigrams Motor Homes and Camper/Trailers Weeki Wachee Mermaids
Face Lifts Muscle Cars Welk, Lawrence
Fake Fur Muzak White Lipstick
Feminine Hygiene Spray Nehru Jackets Winking Eyes
Fingernail Extremism Neiman, Leroy Wonder Bread
Fish Sticks Nodding-Head Dolls Zoot Suits
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Date: 9 Apr 92 23:16:35 GMT
From: mjd@saul.cis.upenn.edu (The Embodiment of Cheese)
Subject: The Temptation of Saint Anthony
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,phl.forsale
WANTED TO SELL:
* * * HOLY GRAIL * * *
As is.
$50 or best offer.
I got it cheap at a flea market. It's the real mccoy, and I thought
I was getting a great deal. But it turned out not to be so hot from my
pint of view. I'll explain, because I don't want anyone saying how I
cheated them if it wasn't what they expected.
First, the Grail sheds a pure and holy light. That's okay, and it's
quite a conversation piece, but it's damn annoying when you're trying to
sleep or watch TV. Covering the grail with a cloth does not seem to
help for some reason. (We have been using white samite; perhaps this is
the source of the problem?)
Second, only the pure of heart can touch or even look upon the
Grail. Needless to say I do not qualify. This means that we haven't
been able to dust behind it on the mantel since we put it in there.
Therefore anyone who wants to purchase the Grail will have to come and
carry it away themselves; we will not deliver it.
Third, every month or so since we have had the Grail, three
white-clothed women have made a silent and eerie procession through our
house. They also glow with a pure and holy light, and they have no
consideration for any guests who happen to be living in the downstairs
room. It sure is a good thing that they are silent, because I think
otherwise the neighbors would surely have complained. We got enough
weird glances as it is. To top it off, one of the glowing babes is
carrying a spear which continually drips blood. True, the blood
vanishes ere it touches the floor, but nevertheless I get queasy at the
sight of blood and these women traipsing through my house with their
cloth and blood and light and stuff at all hours of the day and night
are really getting on my nerves.
Anyway that's the scoop. Perhaps someone else out there knows how
to deal with these problems and would like to take the abominable cup
off my hands?
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Date: Mon, 13 Apr 92 15:59:54 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: TOPS-20, still making money...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Subj: FWD: TOPS-20, still making money...
Subj: TOPS-20, still making money...
Subj: TOPS20 Lives (at Cisco)
Company contact:
Bill Foonley
Cisco Systems, Inc.
(415) 092-0401
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
CISCO SYSTEMS PAYS DEC FOR STOLEN SOFTWARE
"WE'VE ALWAYS USED IT" SAY FOUNDERS
MENLO PARK, Calif., April 1, 1992 -- Cisco Systems today announced that
they will pay an undisclosed sum of money to Digital Equipment Corporation
(DEC) in return for the rights to incorporate software from DEC's "TOPS20"
operating system in Cisco's market leading routers and communications
servers. "TOPS20" was the operating system for DEC's line of 36-bit
computers, which were made obsolete in 1983. Cisco officials admitted
that Cisco routers have used tops20 code since Cisco's founding in 1984,
and that Cisco felt they should "come clean" now that are in a sound
financial position.
Cisco founder Len Bosack, contacted at his new company, XKL Inc,
commented: "The same software technology that allowed TOPS20, which ran
on a machine capable of one or two MIPS, to support many more users than
a modern '30 MIPS' workstation, allowed Cisco to switch 12000 packets per
second with a 12 MHz 68020, when our competitors were throwing RISC
processors with two or three times that clock rate at the problem, and
only getting half the end performance." Mr. Bosack felt that DEC had
abandoned the software,and had no moral qualms about "borrowing" it for
a completely different end product. "We knew a large number of 20
hackers, so it seemed a natural thing to do at the time. But Cisco is
more conservative now, and I guess they are playing it safe [by paying
DEC]. I had planned to add an additional 4 bits to the router CPU
hardware so that we could make use of even more of the tops20 software,
but this was no longer acceptable, which is why I founded XKL." Another
of Cisco's founders, who asked not to be identified, added that the
original Cisco router's cooling fan and color scheme were also inspired
by DEC's TOPS20 systems.
DEC's reaction to Cisco's vounteering to pay for TOPS20 was mainly one
of surprise. "Once we found someone who knew what they were talking
about, even he was surprised that there could still be money involved.
Still, times are hard, and money is money, so we aren't complaining."
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End of Yucks Digest
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