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Yucks Digest V2 #38 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 14 Jul 92 Volume 2 : Issue 38
Today's Topics:
Core dump blues
Cultural question...
foryucks
from info-unix: There's No Way Out.
funny message
Personals
RSVP: MANNERS How are your table manners?
Schroedinger's Computer
sex stats
The INfamous Bernoulli Trials
The juvenile sea squirt...
the pot and the kettle...
what object orientation means to him...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 5 Jul 92 23:30:04 GMT
From: bilder@nhl-1.nhl.sintef.no (Bilder)
Subject: Core dump blues
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
If you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-- Core Dumped Blues
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 92 15:01:46 -0400
From: "Marc Goodman" <goodman@chaos.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Cultural question...
Re: writing to the Triscuit company:
Dear Fascist Bully-boy Triscuit company,
I recently had the misfortune of purchasing a box of your so-called
"snack crackers," at the Piggley-wiggley on the corner of Howard and
Fine on the evening if July 9th, 1992. This box of "crackers" was
moldy, maggot-infested, and contained an excessive amount of rat hair
and droppings. I am sad to report that these accidental additives
improved, rather than destroyed, the flavor of your product.
I have enclosed the "Easy-Tab[tm]" from the offending box and hereby
request a full refund, posthaste.
Your Loyal Customer
<fill in your name here>
encl.
------------------------------
From: frisinv@pell50.alleg.edu
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,alt.bizarre,alt.sex.bondage,alt.sex.beasiality,alt.alien.visitors,alt.personals,alt.rush-limbaugh,alt.satanism,alt.religion.scientology,alt.beer
Subject: alt.sex.bondage
Date: 30 Jun 92 00:43:03 GMT
I just had to tell you all that alt.sex.bondage really works. Before I
hooked up to Internet, I had all these chains and ropes laying around the
house (not to mention the whips, leather masks, felt-lined handcuffs).Then
I started posting to the Net and some guy threatened to tie me to a post,
duct tape my mouth shut, and sodomize me repeatedly. I thought it sounded
like good time so we went out. If I wasn't bound and gagged I could have
told Bob - I mean Master- that I really liked him. Our next date was
complete with dinner, hog-tying, and floggings. I was in love, and after
my bones knit, we're getting married. It'll be just me, Master, and his
irish terrier.
------------------------------
From: Tawfig Alrabiah <tawfig@cs.pitt.edu>
Message-Id: <9207131819.AA02245@speedy.cs.pitt.edu>
Subject: Re: unsubscribe (fwd)
To: info-unix@sem.brl.mil
Date: Mon, 13 Jul 92 14:19:55 EDT
X-Mailer: ELM [version 2.3 PL11]
It seems this list is one way only. I did not subscribe to this group.
I tried every possible way to get out of it but no way. It seems
it is not my problem only some other people have the same problem.
I believe the one who supervise this list should do something about
it.
I am not going to use the system for almost two months. I am sure
during this time the system here will flooded with messages from
info-unix.
The following one of the messages I got.
>
> Unsubscribe? Ha-ha! You can't unsubscribe from this list. God Knows I've
> tried, but it just CAN'T be done...
>
> --
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
> Rich (rspillan@gmuvax2.gmu.edu) aka-"The Easyrider of Internet"
> -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>
[In European legend, vampires could not enter your dwelling until you
invited them in (usually as the result of trickery). However, once
invited across the threshold, a vampire could never be "uninvited", only
discouraged.
Perhaps Tawfig should try some cloves of garlic to at least keep
the message traffic at bay. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 7 Jul 92 23:30:06 GMT
From: alvin@npac.syr.edu (Alvin Leung)
Subject: funny message
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 1992 13:39 EST
From: SERAFINI@SUNRISE.ACS.SYR.EDU
Subject: Fire Alarm Tests and Insurance Pests
X-VMS-To: @CST
On Monday (4/6/92) a pack of insurance weasels will be inspecting the
CST to assess the "insurability" of this fair and noble institution.
Please leave your mail order "how to build an A bomb from common house
hold lint" manual home, along with any stray copies of "Popular Arsonist".
Regarding house keeping: please see that storage areas are uncluttered and
that sprinkler system control valves, fire extinguishers, and fire exits
in your areas are not blocked. Please begin to use the bicycle rack at
the northwest corner of the building because bikes in the building are
a fire code no no. Regarding the chemistry department: God help us all.
On Wednesday (4/8/92) at 7:00am. the friendly folks from fire safety will
be testing the fire alarms. Please post a notice so that the faint hearted
can sleep in.
Tomorrow (4/3/92) at 6:00 am. the building emergency generator will be
tested. This is the smoke belching 700 hp monster on the roof that
scares the #$%$# out of us all when it fires up...hence the 6:00 am.
test time. Chemists be aware that the hoods will go down momentarily.
Well, I guess that about wraps it up and , as always, I do so enjoy
these chats. As you were.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jul 1992 08:14:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: Personals
OK, I admit it: I read the Personals in The NY Review of Books. Not
often, just when I'm feeling restless. Unfortunately, the ones I find
truly appealing are from women. "LOVELY, LITERATE NYC SF, TOXIC AVENGER
BY TRADE. Very attractive and sociable with enough sleep. Escapes:
movies, trains... Politics: progressive but cranky. Aesthetics: avoiding
deconstructivists. Philosophy: Sylvia meets The Far Side. [...] natives
of this planet preferred."
I think she's shutting out some interesting options, don't you? I've had
some Good Times with aliens. My ex-husband's first wife told him she
believed he was from another planet. Three years later, as I was leaving,
I thought to myself, "Kimberley was right." I did not, however, say this
aloud, as I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings even if I hate their
guts, knowing that hate is temporary but language is forever.
I want to know what a "toxic avenger" is. (Apparently I puzzled over this
in my sleep last night, as I dreamed that I was an eco-terrorist, and
belonged to a group that invaded people's houses to trash their cleaning
supplies.)
Here's another one: "PROGRESSIVE COMPUTERIST (NOT A DISEASE), 41, in
search of uncountable goals, seeks a lead-in sentence with more pronouns.
He is inventive, brilliant (so he says), humorous, supportive, but
troubled by having to describe himself in the third person. He's looking
for an attractive woman with an eclectic intelligence (slightly prefers
mind over body, but only if one is missing), a ticklish sense of humour
and a social conscience (somewhere in the NY area)."
Here my question is why he gives "humour" the British spelling. Also why
he wants to confine her social conscience to the NY area. And what,
exactly, is a "ticklish" sense of humor?
Ah, the world is full of rogues!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 01 Jul 92 14:02:36 PDT
From: Mike O'Brien <obrien@aero.org>
Subject: RSVP: MANNERS How are your table manners?
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>[Yeah, but this doesn't answer my usual questions. Like what do I do
>when the elderly lady to my left removes her dentures and leaves them
>in the fingerbowl to soak ("This pudding is too tough, don't you
>think?"), the guy across the table is demonstrating how to eat
>spaghetti through his nose, and the host is explaining how we almost
>didn't have enough of the first course because the dog had gotten into
>it....which fork do I use then? --spaf]
The left-hand fork - the one that goes straight back to town. The
right-hand fork loops around and goes to the guy's uncle's house,
and he's even worse.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Jul 1992 9:23:43 -0500 (CDT)
From: CRAWDAD@dcd00.fnal.gov (Matt Crawford)
Subject: Schroedinger's Computer
To: rissa@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
The Schroedinger's Computer envisioned by Deutsch
takes advantage of this effect by working on a different task in each
parallel history. If an observation can't tell which history the
computer 'actually' experienced, then it experiences ALL of them: the
SAME computer executes DIFFERENT jobs at the SAME TIME. The hard part,
of course, is arranging the output so that an observation can't determine
which potential history of the computer worked on which task.
The Copenhagen interpretation of the act of observation is the "collapse
of the wave function" -- out of many possibilities, one is randomly selected
as real.
The Many-Worlds interpretation of observation is the inducement of a
correlation between the measurement device (or the experimenter) and
the system observed.
Under this interpretation, the user of a quantum-parallel computer
system would enter an indeterminate state, to be joined there by all
audiences to whom he communicated the results.
Confused? You will be, after the next issue of CAQCM.
[Actually, you will be confused and not confused at the same time. It
is only when you open the next issue and look inside that your cat
dies. Or something like that. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Jul 1992 12:17:19 -0700 (PDT)
From: Barbara Hlavin <twain@u.washington.edu>
Subject: sex stats
A while back a local columnist, Eric Lacitis, wrote a story about a couple
who had contacted him to inform him that they had sexual relations four or
five times a day, and furthermore they were keeping track and had a grand
total from the past three years of (something like) 4,729 occasions. They
were enormously proud of this.
Lacitis is (understandably) fascinated with the nature of things that
people are eager to bring to his attention, and the fact that this couple
actually wanted him to publish this information in the newspaper led him
to write a column about their unusual record-keeping endeavors. In a
playful effort to find a euphemism for sexual intercourse that would
neither injure the sensibilities of the soft-shelled portions of the
community, nor necessitate the iteration of the phrase "sexual
intercourse" several hundred times, he came up with the phrase "visiting
Tukwila." (Tukwila is a small town mid-point between Seattle and Tacoma.
It's pronounced Tuck-WILL-uh.)E.g., "On June 7, 1990, Judy and Jim visited
Tukwila five times -- twice in the morning, one trip before breakfast,
once at noon, and twice in the evening."
The paper was then deluged with letters of protest from Tukwilans, who
seemed to believe this phrase would brand them as the Sodom of the west,
or at the very least make them objects of ridicule.
It's all very odd and funny, the things that people invest their energy in
getting upset about.
Not to mention what they choose to boast about.
[How did they have the time or energy to read the newspaper to know
about the columnist? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 2 Jul 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: hawk.cs.ukans.edu!billk@apple (Bill Kinnersley)
Subject: The INfamous Bernoulli Trials
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[Original.]
[Prerequisite: Some knowledge of probability theory, or consent of instructor.]
Q. Define "Bernoulli Trials"
A. John and his brother Jacob Bernoulli, both Professors of Mathematics at he
University of Basel, Switzerland in the late 1600's. Their interests turned
to the Theory of Probability, and in 1694 they were accused of organized
gambling.
In a well-publicized courtroom appearance, John Bernoulli accused the judge
of bias, but was overruled. He then demanded that he and his brother be
tried *independently*, and this request was granted.
The verdict was a tossup.
------------------------------
Date: 3 Jul 92 08:30:07 GMT
From: bartlett@cattell.psych.upenn.edu (Thomas A. Bartlett)
Subject: The juvenile sea squirt...
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From CONSCIOUSNESS EXPLAINED, by Daniel Dennett, p. 177
"The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching
for a suitable rock or hunk of coral to cling to and make
its home for life. For this task, it has a rudimentary
nervous system. When it finds its spot and takes root, it
doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it! (It's rather
like getting tenure.)"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Jun 92 09:20:54 CDT
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: the pot and the kettle...
Boy, I thought California was the land of regulation-crazed politicos
and let's-pass-a-law lunies. Not to be outdone in this category,
Massachussetts legislature is debating a law to license and regulate
PR practicioners in the Bay State. Now, no one can argue that spin
doctors aren't a danger to the public health and welfare, but are
the people who brought you Boston Harbor really the folks to clean
up Massachussetts advertising?
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 6 Jul 92 14:47:21 CDT
From: rutgers!iqsc.com!rex (Rex Black)
Subject: what object orientation means to him...
To: uunet!sparc!gordon, uunet!sparc!jay, uunet!sparc!jimb, uunet!sparc!lisa, uunet!sparc!ralf, spaf
Nicholas Zvegintzov wrote in May-June 1992 issue of Software Management
News:
The term "object-oriented" has taken over the role that "structured"
played in the 1970s. It can be attached to anything, and it has no
particular meaning except that it means, like, "good" or "cool". We
are about to contribute to this meaning pollution by describing a
heterogeneous collection of unconventional storage and retrieval
algorithms under the term "object-oriented data technology".
-30-
So, hey, like have an _object-oriented_ day, dude!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 09 Jul 92 18:56:16 PDT
From: ddgarcia@sprite.Berkeley.EDU (Daniel D. Garcia)
To: spaf
Subject: Submission to Yucks...original
The following was sent out to all CS grad students in a posting
regarding available instructional videos we could check out...
*** included file begin ***
From: crystal@hera.berkeley.edu (Crystal Williams)
To: csdivfac@hera.Berkeley.EDU, csdivgrads@hera.Berkeley.EDU
THE MACHINE THAT CHANGED THE WORLD SERIES, 1992
THE WGBH COLLECTION: FILMS FOR THE HUMANITIES & SCIENCES
Giant Brains, Inventing the Future, The Paperback Computer,
The Thinking Machine, The World at Your Fingertips
length: 58 minutes each
*** included file end ***
I don't think that sentence is as associative as she thinks, i.e.
(...changed the world) series
...changed the (world series)
Perhaps the Cubs can find some use for this machine?
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------