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Yucks Digest V2 #33
Yucks Digest Tue, 9 Jun 92 Volume 2 : Issue 33
Today's Topics:
25 ways to cope with stress
`Barbie' Has Russian Soul Mate
cutie (2 msgs)
HEMP
Just Say "No"
Male Bashing as Art
Pathologist's Work Questioned
Progress in Robotics
Speaking of taxes...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 6 Apr 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: elparr@acs.ucalgary.ca (Ellen Louise Parr)
Subject: 25 ways to cope with stress
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
25 Ways to Cope With Stress.
1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how
many you can do at a time.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell tehm you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as
if nothing is wrong.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Tape pictures of you boss on watermelons and launch them from high
places.
10. Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
11. Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Drive to work in reverse.
16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
17. Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
18. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. REad the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
21. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
22. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
23. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
24. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
25. Make a language up and ask people for directions in it.
Bonus : Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back
in the wrapper.
Author unknown.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 22:42:32 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: `Barbie' Has Russian Soul Mate
To: yucks-request
MOSCOW (AP)
She's short on clothes, lacks a beau and doesn't know what a
surfboard is, but Veronika is something America's Barbie doll isn't:
inexpensive for Russians.
"Veronika disappears as soon as she hits the shelves, " said
Dmitri Arkhangelsky, the chief designer of Russia's hottest new doll.
Slightly taller and wider than Barbie, she is the Russian response
to growing demand for Western-style goods.
And she's the key to the success of the Krugozor toy factory, one
of thousands of Russian businesses testing free-market reforms.
"When prices rose this year, our dolls became more expensive than
meat. Sales fell. So we looked for a doll to get our clients back and
decided to make a world-class model," said Albert Sherstenikov, the
factory director.
Sherstenikov summoned Arkhangelsky, who had seen the popularity of
American Barbie dolls among Russian girls who like her bright
clothes, accessories and her friend, Ken.
Asked to design a new doll, Arkhangelsky found his muse in his
18-year-old granddaughter, Veronika. Her auburn hair and slim good
looks contrasted with the looks of the hefty dolls with strange blue
or yellow hair that the factory created under Soviet rule.
The first trial run of 1,400 Veronikas was ready in less than a
month. The doll was a hit. Krugozor turned out 20,000 in February and
30,000 in March. April's target is 40,000.
"We'll build our production around the Veronika line. First the
people, then the clothes, then the other accessories," said
Arkhangelsky.
At 160 rubles ($1.60), Veronika is a bargain for Russians compared
to Barbie. The American doll costs 1,000 rubles ($10), one with a
party dress runs about 1,800 rubles ($18), and one with a surfboard
runs about 2,500 rubles ($25). The average Soviet worker makes 960
rubles ($9.60) a month.
Because of the high price of raw materials, Veronika wears simple
cotton dresses. Because the factory has lots of plastic and paint,
she has a range of high heels of different colors, mainly silver,
gold or white.
She also is heavily made up. Long black eyelashes are painted
around her deep blue eyes. She has bright red cheeks and deep pink
lips.
"We want to make her very beautiful," said factory worker Lidia
Dsabinka, as she attached hair to one doll.
Arkhangelsky is designing a furniture set for Veronika. He would
also like her limbs to bend better. And he would like to give
Veronika a sister.
Barbie's big edge on Veronika is Ken.
Krugozor designers have been working to come up with an acceptable
design for Veronika's "young man," as Arkhangelsky calls him.
But the prototype must be approved by a council of the Education
Ministry, which has so far rejected every proposal.
[Hmm, I wonder what the heck they are proposing? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Apr 92 04:34:51 EST (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
The following is reprinted w/out permission from the June 82 issue of
Analog.
by Arlan Keith Andrews, Sr.
What the Research Report Says What It Really Means
A search of the literature Hustler and Playboy didn't say.
fails to show...
It has long been known that... Somebody once told me.
It is generally accepted that... A guy in a bar once agreed with me.
It is widespread knowledge that... Two guys in a bar agreed with me.
It is universally accepted that... The bartender agreed, too!
Of great theoretical importance.. I need a dissertation topic.
Of great practical importance... I need a job.
Technical difficulties postponed the... The engineers screwed up.
A scientific breakthrough occurred... The engineers didn't screw up.
Typical results confirm... Nothing exploded.
Data spread was well within expected Something did melt.
limits...
Experimental results agreed with the My French curve fit.
projected outcome...
A few anomalous data points were My French curve didn't fit.
attributable to instrumental
error...
Agreement with predicted results is:
Excellent What the director wanted.
Good What the team wanted.
Fair What the technicians wanted.
Poor What the truth is.
Data have been normalized... You wouldn't believe the numbers I got.
Dimensionless parameter plots show... Nobody else would, either.
Statistical analyses reveal... I had to lie a bit.
Data processing procedures were I had to lie a lot.
implemented...
Results were generally positive... I got a raise.
Significant progress was I got a good raise.
accomplished...
The state of the art was advanced... I got promoted.
Valuable assistance was provided by... He staued out of the lab.
Invaluable suggestions were provided He was the research director.
by...
Further investigation is warranted... I need another grant.
------------------------------
Date: 13 Apr 92 04:35:45 EST (Mon)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: ihnp4!ihps3!houxz!houxi!houxa!houxm!npois!npoiv!harpo!duke!unc!dbs
Name: Douglas Brian Schiff
The animals were bored. Finally the lion had an idea.
"I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.
I've seen it on T.V. ".
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play.
They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then
had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.
He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First he crushed a
roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two
cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a T.D. and the mule kicked the
extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6.
In the lockerroom the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a
killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again
the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First he stomped two
gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.
It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he
dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near
him. The lion went over to see what had happenned.
Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
Kind of afraid to sign our names,
Richard Brady by way of Doug Schiff
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 16:37:04 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: HEMP
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Subject: A Commercial Product competing with the J-machine?
Announcing The
High Efficency Multi-Processor
The startup company Wired Computer Corporation today formally announced
their new High Efficiency Multi-Processor (HEMP). According to chief
scientist Dr. Alan ``Buddy'' Potter, the system gets its performance
from two key technologies:
* Special branch hardware
* Program restructuring
``Most systems have high-performance CPUs that are under-utilized
because of other system bottlenecks,.'' said Dr. Potter. ``The goal
of this project,'' he says, ``is to keep the pipe full.''
* Hardware
Conventional branch units wait until the branch to start prefetching
down alternative execution paths. The HEMP architecture starts
prefetching early and prefetches with higher priority down the most
promising paths. Dr. Potter explains:
``The hardware uses a special "bud" (branch using distance) instruction
that encodes the branch distance (number of instructions until the
branch takes place), branch probability, and branch target. Thus, the
hardware can start prefetching and decoding alternative instruction
streams well in advance of the actual branch.''
``When the actual branch occurs -- sometime after the "bud" -- execution
can almost always occur without delay. A special hardware functional
unit called the `dealer' is used to select the prefetched instruction
stream.''
``The hardware has multiple prefetch/decode units that can act in
parallel. The prefetch units are prioritized so that when there is
memory contention, high-probability branches will prefetch in
preference to the low-probability branches. That is, the system is
optimized to getting high.''
``Finally, the hardware can support multiple outstanding prefetches
along each path, so each "bud" instruction can be the root of a tree of
branches.''
* Software
The HEMP system uses novel program restructuring techniques. Most
systems attempt to break the parallelism in to chunks that are
naturally sized to fit the problem. In the HEMP system, programs are
broken in to fixed-sized chunks that are scheduled using a mixture of
static and dynamic scheduling techniques. Dr. Potter explained the
technique:
``The program is divided in to a graph. Rather than partitioning into
problem-sized chunks, the program is divided in to chunks of, say ten
to forty instructions. This is called `crumbling'.''
``Then, the program fragments are queued in a preferred execution
order. Fragments usually execute in that order, but when some
fragment is blocked, non-preferred fragments are executed. Because
the dynamic selection is guided statically, most programs execute in
_nearly_ the static order, so most dynamic scheduling overhead is
eliminated. Assembling the program in the preferred order is called
`rolling'.''
``Next, the program is started by selecting the root of the graph and
passing it to an available processor; starting the program this way is
called `lighting'.''
``Finally, at program runtime, execution is controlled by passing
tokens representing the completed crumbles. This phase is called
`toking'.''
Dr. Potter credits the HEMP architecture's development to a lot of
``home grown'' technology invented by the company's chief scientists.
The Wired Computer Corporation has not yet announced an expected
delivery date, citing legal delays.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 2 Apr 92 13:11:24 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Just Say "No"
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
It can happen anywhere: a party, the recreation room, or sometimes even
in your local shopping mall. There's no easy way to tell them from other
people, the jugglers are everywhere. Remember if they approach you, just
say "no".
This is Paul's story:
"Well it all started at a party. It was just a local thing you know,
everyone was pretty drunk. Anyway, this guy, Peter, he seemed like a
pretty cool guy, he says "C'mon through, see what's happening." Well,
there was this whole room full of people, all juggling, laughing, dropping
balls that sort of thing. Anyway Peter handed me a set of bags and said
"Here, you have a shot". Well I didn't want to look an idiot in front of
all these people so I had a go. Of course I dropped all the bags. Peter
kept encouraging me though, and by the end of the evening I could almost
do a cascade. It felt really great. Peter loaned me some bags, and I
started juggling on my own, I thought I could handle it at first, you
know, just the odd cascade and the occasional columns. I should have
realised then but I was getting pretty into it. They had a sort of "club"
going, they'd meet out of doors and juggle together. All sorts of people
would drop by and join in. It got so that we'd juggle with anyone. I
saw some of the others with clubs, I was beginning to think it looked
pretty neat. I got more and more into it. By then I had a set of balls
at work in the office, I'd sneak out at lunchtimes for a quick juggle.
Even in the pub, if I didn't have any balls with me, I'd buy three packets
of peanuts just so that I could get in a juggle, it's hard to resist when
you've been drinking. The "club" took up more and more time. My parents
were wondering where I was going every night, then they found my diabolo.
I was so ashamed. Thank god they found out before I tried a unicycle."
Sergeant Grimes of the crack "Ballsup" squad had this to say at the
annual meeting of the Society for Traditional And Mature Pursuits (STAMP)
annual general meeting, said:
"Well I've seen it all. There's just no limit to the sort of things these
people will try. We've even caught a ten year old on a unicycle juggling
five balls. We've seen where it ends <shows a picture of a long time
juggler>. Look at him. His face is totally white, and his nose is all
red and bulbous, he even has to use makeup to show a smile. I've seen
these people begging in the streets and performing their "acts" in public.
Some of them even end up in circuses."
So be careful. Parents should look out for warning signs:
1. Unusually coloured balls lying about the room.
2. Strange thumps on the floor upstairs.
3. Large skittles
4. Bicycles with a suspiciously low number of wheels.
5. Sticks with string attached.
6. Square or round beanbags.
Between us we can stamp out this reckless craze. Be vigilant. Count
the number of wheels on passing cycles. Help stamp out juggling. And
remember, Just Say "No".
------------------------------
Date: 14 Mar 92 10:47:37 GMT
From: noraa@cbnewsk.att.com (aaron.l.hoffmeyer)
Subject: Male Bashing as Art
Newsgroups: soc.men,soc.women
[Yup, this appears to be real. It starts slowly, so keep reading.]
Male Bashing as Art
by Celia Garcon
In the latter years of his life, Mark Twain was bitter. He was bitter
about society's inability to recognize the truth of what he had been
saying and writing for years. Because his sentiments were disguised as
humor, no one thought that he was serious. He had been telling the
truth all along, but his rhetoric had hidden the truth from his
audience. As he matured his vision became more accurate and he stopped
hiding his values behind comedy. Most people thought the writing of
his last few years was simply a reflection of his anger and pain, but
he was at his sharpest, highest peak.
The feminist movement too has matured and become more biting and less
convoluted in its language. Because feminism is intellectually moral
and right, the movement has attracted some brilliant, elegant, aesthetic
writers. In fact, some of the musings of feminist authors rank among
the greatest of all time. The language of the new, "enlightened"
feminists is high art. Consider:
"Men especially love murder."
-- Andrea Dworkin
This quote is exceptional in that Dworkin summarizes in four short words
the male's affinity for violence and war. By simply acknowledging her
statement as true, you can then realize why men have been killing
themselves and innocent women and children for centuries.
Less direct, but truly noteworthy is:
"Whatever they may be in public life, whatever their relations with men,
in their relations with women, all men are rapists, and that's all they
are. They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes."
-- Marilyn French, _The Women's Room_
French pulls back the wool and forces us to see, and we do, at long
last. Men are good at hiding this truth, but look deep into a man's
eyes and you see it, review the laws and it is there. Remember the
societal codes that forced you to withdraw from Algebra II? It was the
boyfriend or math and you had no choice. Society forced you to accept
the belief that your value on this planet was on your back with your
feet up in the air. Do you have any idea what the average salary is
for actuaries? But you know all too well what a secretary is paid.
Several colleagues pointed out that French's statement lacked some
of the power that it could have had if it were more direct. They
preferred, "All men are rapists, and that's all they are." Period. I
agree with their sentiments, but I also recognize the unfecklessness of
French's complete statement. It rings true.
"When a female child is passed from lap to lap so that all the males
in the room (father, brother, acquaintances) can get a hard-on, it is
the helpless mother standing there and looking on that creates the
sense of shame and guilt in the child."
-- Adrienne Rich
Rich reveals this long forgotten sense of shame that all girls
experience as small children - and so passionately. This quote brought
tears to my eyes when I first read it. Waves of guilt, shame and anger
passed through me. I remembered oh so well how as a small child, my
sick father and older brother always wanted me to watch TV from their
laps. Then I wretched. I have not been so touched by any painting,
movie, play or even chocolate.
"Every man has a weapon between his legs."
-- Carolyn Allen
Again, another example of the high art of the plain truth in concise,
simple language.
The emerging generation of feminist writers uses politically correct,
bitter, clear language to drive truth home (without running out of gas)
and to stress their message - the message that all men are scum. The
message seems to be hitting home. Although most men can't comprehend
the reality of what they are - they are in a permanent, irreversible
state of DENIAL - some men have come to terms with their inherent
inferiorities and can at least acknowledge them. After breaking away
from the clutches of DENIAL, these men can enroll in 12 step programs,
such as Men Anonymous (MA) and Men Of Matriarchy (MOM). These are the
few men that have a chance at a recovery, a chance at better lives.
These are the few men that still have chances to sleep with the "new"
feminists. So, the sheer artistry of the new feminist writers is that
they are using the power of genuine, sincere words as a tool in
achieving their goal - the goal to enlighten men that they are sick,
that they have a disease much like alcoholism or gambling, that they
have a brain that is made primitive by testosterone, that if they want
any, they have to toe the line.
It is important to note that men who do break out of DENIAL and
complete a 12 step program can become sensitive, passionate, caring
people. I know a man who recently completed such a program and one
night we sat up in my apartment, knitting and talking, and he told me
of his life before the program. Before the program, he was a hulking,
massive, hairy, apelike creature who preyed on women for his own sexual
gratification and for power. He talked of physical struggles with his
first three wives, of raping them in their own beds, of trying to
dictate their every action and thought. He preyed upon these women for
his own selfishness, totally for his own gratification. After
completing the 12 step program, he is not interested in controlling and
humiliating and violating women - he now is more interested in more
constructive activities, such as completing crossword puzzles,
shopping, and snuggling.
He also told me a sad story. Once, before he had completed the 12 step
program, he went to visit his father, with whom he had always had a
tough relationship. During the visit, he tried at length to gain his
father's acceptance and acknowledgment that he was a good person. He
asked his father what he was like when he grew up, what he liked, what
he disliked. He eventually told his father that he loved him as tears
streamed down his face. His father laughed uncomfortably and told him
that he loved him too. No hugs, no warm embrace, no handshake. It was
not a beautiful event, but rather an pitiful one. It was as if two
ships passing in the night signaled to one another that they were
there. They could not truly show their love, they could merely
acknowledge it.
After telling me this story, he threw aside his knitting, grabbed me
forcefully in his arms and we made passionate love on the credenza.
Today he has nothing to do with his father - his father is still scum,
still a rapist. Now this man (my lover) hugs and embraces with wild
abandon, he loves everyone (to the point that I'm getting suspicious).
He can now express love, much like a woman and even though he seems a
little insincere or shallow sometimes, he is a much better human being,
a true equal.
So, the goal of the high art of the new feminist writers is to convince
men to change for the better. Using their direct, accurate, sometimes
bitter, but always eloquent portrayals of the truth, they can
accomplish this noble goal. It is art with a purpose. It is using the
art of language as a political means to an end.
REBUTTAL:
by Aaron L. Hoffmeyer, Ohio Coordinator for Fathers' Rights and
Equality Exchange (FREE), Editor for the FACE (Fathers and Children
for Equality) Central Ohio Newsletter, Equalist, Philosopher, Beer
drinker
When Steve Houser, the Editor of the _Curmudgeon_, contacted me and
told me that he had received an engaging contribution from the learned
local feminist, Celia Garcon, I was intrigued. "Why would anyone as
respected as her want to publish a commentary in such a small paper as
the _Curmudgeon_?" I asked. "Well, the _Curmudgeon's_ not that small
of a paper, but she wants us to publish it intact because it was
rejected by all the other Columbus papers. The censors wouldn't
publish it without changes, and she didn't want to let them tone it
down," he replied. "She included a quote with `hard-on' in it and
another implied `penis' and the Wolfes just won't allow anything like
that in their papers. Besides, the Dispatch's censors wanted to change
one line from `Every man has a weapon between his legs' to `Every man
has a weapon below his belt-line' which made Celia hurl." Then Steve
told me in detail that Celia's article was a pretty clear attack on men
and he asked me if I would do a rebuttal probably because I know who
Robert Bly is and because I hate women about as much as Celia hates
men. Then I was, if anything, scared. It is scary to take on such a
great mind in a debate. What if she rebuts my rebuttal? Then Steve
told me that he had this idea of putting her commentary and my rebuttal
in the same issue, so readers can see the two articles side by side and
make up their own minds. Whoa Nelly!
With Steve's urging and a sizable check (which I've already spent, by
the way), I sat down and tried to come up with something. But alas, I
just couldn't think of much of anything to refute her statements.
That added twist with the "high art" stuff just threw me. Anyway,
this is my rebuttal....
One cannot find much fault in Celia Garcon's commentary, "Male Bashing
as Art", but I did take exception to one statement - the quote of
Carolyn Allen in which Allen states that men all have weapons between
their legs. That's just a myth put out by the military. You know,
rifle, gun, rifle, gun - you know, so you can tell which one is which.
If anything I think a more accurate metaphor for the thing between a
man's legs would be "tool" - like in screwdriver, bottle opener, or
crowbar, or "musical instrument" - as in something you blow. "Every man
has a musical instrument between his legs." I think that sounds much
better. Remember, if you outlaw tools and musical instruments, only
outlaws will have them. There. Nah, nah, na naa, nah! PBLZZTZ (Bronks
kisser)!!
Did I mention that I've already spent that check?
Copyright 1992.
Aaron L. Hoffmeyer
TR@CBNEA.ATT.COM
[I find this so completely insane, I really can't come up with a
comment, even though I feel compelled to make one. Except, ..."Men
Anonymous" as a 12-step program? geesh! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 92 16:21:52 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Pathologist's Work Questioned
To: yucks-request
LUBBOCK, Texas (AP)
Even prosecutors sometimes wondered about Dr. Ralph Erdmann's
bizarre work habits after all he once lost a head. But they still
used the pathologist's testimony to send people to prison, some to
death row.
Erdmann's recent indictment on charges of falsifying an autopsy
and accusations that he performs "made-to-order" autopsies for police
have defense attorneys scrambling to see whether his work led to
false convictions.
"You are going to hear Dr. Erdmann's name a lot in the future,"
said Steven Losch, attorney for the NAACP Legal Defense Fund-Capital
Punishment Project in New York. "I know I will be looking into as
many capital murder cases involving Dr. Erdmann as possible."
Losch said he will review at least 23 of Erdmann's cases in 41
counties.
On Friday, Losch won the right to exhume the body of 72-year-old
murder victim Hilton Merriman, claiming Erdmann botched the autopsy.
In the hearing on their request, Erdmann invoked his Fifth
Amendment right against self-incrimination 200 times in response to
questions about the autopsy.
In the motion to exhume Merriman's body, former Dallas County
assistant medical examiner Linda Norton was quoted as saying Erdmann
routinely performs "made-to-order autopsies that support a police
version of a story."
Erdmann, 65, was indicted in February by a Hockley County grand
jury on charges of falsifying an autopsy on a 41-year-old man. A few
weeks later, he resigned his $140,000-a-year job performing autopsies
for Lubbock County, saying he was overworked.
Erdmann said he performed an autopsy on the 41-year-old man in
which he weighed the man's spleen. But family members noted the
spleen had been removed several years before.
The state then indicted Erdmann on charges he billed the county
$650 for the autopsy, which it said he never performed. An
investigation showed the body was never cut open.
Erdmann, who faces 20 years in prison if convicted, said he simply
erred by not sending the county the correct documents.
"I tried to apologize, but they wouldn't let me. I made a
mistake," he said.
For years, defense attorneys and prosecutors have had reservations
about the doctor, who showed up in Childress, Texas, in 1981 and
began a service performing autopsies two years later.
"Some of his work habits are strange," said Randall County
District Attorney Randy Sherrod, who has used Erdmann as a witness in
several murder cases. "He doesn't know his left from his right. He'll
take his 13-year-old child to an autopsy. He has a fascination with
carrying around body parts and storing some in his refrigerator."
But Sherrod added, "I have never seen a case where Dr. Erdmann did
anything illegal to deceive a judge or jury. There is no evidence to
show Dr. Erdmann sent innocent people to the penitentiary."
Lubbock County District Attorney Travis Ware also stands by
Erdmann, saying he is being attacked by vengeful defense attorneys.
[I hope Erdmann can tell his lunch from his work! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 02 Apr 92 09:04:42 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Progress in Robotics
To: yucks
After the just-finished AAAI Symposium on Advanced Buzzwording, Ian
organized an outing yesterday to Survival Research Laboratories.
These are the guys you've probably heard about who build enormous
robots that spit fire, blow up buildings, and rip each other to
pieces. It's art, you see.
If you have never seen the movie Buckaroo Banzai, you should. If you
have, you'll know what I mean when I say that SRL is just like the
interior of Yoyodyne research, only more so. It's an apocalyptic
nightmare of a research lab: endless heaps of twisted rusted steel
concealing mechanical dinosaurs leaking hydraulic fluid; vast
repositories of alien machinery lurking in gloom.
SRL's most recent creation is a half-ton running robot that they
expect when completed to be by far the fastest legged vehicle ever
built. (Projected top speed 25mph; currently it does 8mph.) Mark
Pauline, the founder of SRL, demo'd it to us. It's a six-legged
design with the legs paired in an odd way so that it's really a
tripod. Motion comes from alternately bringing the two legs in each
pair forward while off the ground. It's extraordinarily nimble,
walking quite delicately and precisely despite having the size of a
small car. Control is via a system of Phoenix hydraulic servos.
SRL is also beginning construction of what will be the largest walking
machine, dwarfing the Ambler at 40 tons and about the linear
dimensions of a school bus.
Most of the SRL machines are teleoperated, the most recent one, a
hydraulic gun firing explosive projectiles at 500 ft/sec, via a
head-mounted VR link. Another current project is a flock of dozens of
autonomous computer-controlled robots each about the size of a coffee
table. The first five of these have been built. They communicate via
ultrasonics. Their goal in life is to lash each other with whips.
Assorted extracts from recent SRL propaganda to give you an idea where
they are coming from:
``One completed device is based on electromagnetic rail gun
technology. Rather than firing a projectile at high speeds for
kinetic impact effects or other droll, military objectives, this
device employs similar capacitor energy storage units [they showed us
banks of literally tons of capacitors, donated by Lawrence Livermore]
to liquefy a metal bar and magnetically eject the molten blob at about
200 mph. It appears to the eye as a comet-like beam that fragments on
impact, setting fire to any nearby combustibles. This machine, with
its long-distance, arson-like capabilities, is SRL's answer to George
Bush's call for a thousand points of light.''
``The Big Arm has risen from the ashes of the 18 piano fire it was
toppled into at the ILLUSIONS OF SHAMELESS ABUNDANCE show May 1989.
In order to retain the sympathy and pathos generated by its fiery
public demise, a smaller, malformed metal arm has been added to its
right front side. A stylish gripper built for the small arm is
capable of exerting several tons of persuasive force. A new
computerized data link permits ease of control and dramatically
improved computer/machine coordination.
``A repeating Snot Gun, capable of firing three quarters of a gallon
of viscous liquid for 200 ft at 200 mph has been completed.
Blood-based mixtures [also containing hydroxymethylcellulose as a
disgustifying agent] used at the Barcelona show resulted in numerous
complaints from the audience.
``A meter-maid cart, modified beyond belief and radio controlled, has
had the computer-controlled Finger mountd on it and is now officially
the fastest and most berserk SRL machine ever employed. For Barcelona
a large plastic cow was attached, painted gold and mounted
upside-down, with the Finger protruding from its anus. Currently,
it is being reconstructed as the base for the BIBLE BURN CART.''
SRL's next performance, the first in more than a year, will be in San
Francisco, April 8th, 12:30 pm, as part of the SF MOMA groundbreaking
ritual. It's at 151 3rd St (x Howard). The theme of the performance
is ``SEXUALIZED WAR'' and for several reasons it is expected to be
the most spectacular SRL has produced.
Free and open to the public. Warning: people occasionally die at SRL
performances. Appropriate attire is recommended. (Kevlar is a good
start.)
[A report on that show will appear in a subsequent Yucks digest. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 3 Apr 92 12:44:14 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Speaking of taxes...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: mgbaker@sprite.Berkeley.EDU (Mary Gray Baker)
Date: Fri, 03 Apr 92 10:50:29 PST
I'm so excited.
I just received in the mail my certificate of residency for the state of Texas.
(I don't know if you saw the recent Doonsebury cartoon talking about
how our president claims to live in Texas in order to live in a state that
has no income tax. The cartoon suggested we all follow the president's lead
and file for residency. The Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts, John Sharp,
was overwhelmed with requests, but took his commitment in true Texas spirit.
His campaign fund just spent $15,000 to print up all the certificates. On the
back he asks that, since we're all spending so much on postage already, maybe
we could also send a few bucks to the Austin Texas Center for Battered Women.)
Here is what the certificate says.
This is to certify that <your name here> has stated in writing that he/she
intends to live in Texas at some later date and therefore - provided he/she
visits Texas at least once each year - is entitled, under precedent
established by no less than the President of the United State his own self,
to claim, for tax purposes, to be a
Resident of the Great State of Texas -
a state whose greatness can be attributed not only to the beauty and diversity
of its landscapes, the abundance of its natural resources and the can-do
spirit of its citizens but also - in the opinion of many - to its lack of
a personal income tax.
In the event that your own state (or the District of
Columbia) refuses to accept this certificate as proof that your are exempt
from their income tax, we hereby promise to send you a Texas voter registration
form so you can attempt to establish at least that generally-accepted evidence
of citizenship.
In the further event that even this proves insufficient,
the Comptroller promises to send you the newspaper real estate section from
the Texas city of your choice so you may acquire a little piece of Heaven
for yourself. That - along with your assurance that you intend eventually
to build a home on the property - should satisfy all but the most cynical
of tax officials in your current jurisdiction.
But in the still further event that none of these good-faith
efforts proves adequate to convince your tax officials that you deserve
a break, we invite you to pack your bags, call the movers, kiss Aunt Tillie
goodbye and move on down here to God's own country where the grass grows tall
and the wind blows free and anyone who says "income tax" gets his mouth
washed out with soap.
John Sharp
Texas Comptroller of Public Accounts
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------