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Yucks Digest V2 #32
Yucks Digest Mon, 8 Jun 92 Volume 2 : Issue 32
Today's Topics:
Androphobia, The Only Respectable Bigotry
early slip (ooooops! <thud>) date
IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET
Paper on high speed networking.
New Product Announcement
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
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Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 18:57:27 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Androphobia, The Only Respectable Bigotry
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Extracted, without permission, from "Magical Blend."
Androphobia, The Only Respectable Bigotry
by Robert Anton Wilson
Did you know that over 98 percent of the men in the United States
have never been convicted of any violent crime or served time in
prison? That, even though the U.S. imprisons a higher percentage
of its citizens than any other nation, over 98 percent of our men
have never been convicted of rape, child molestation, assault,
battery, breaking and entering, or any kind of violence? And almost
half of the men who do land in prison are convicted of non-violent
crimes (usually drug possession)?
These basic statistical facts about male nonviolence have been hidden
from us by an ideology/mythology which I call androphobia -- fear and
hatred of the male. Androphobia has also hidden such facts as these:
Important Feminists of the past include such males as Clarence Darrow,
John Stuart Mill, Henrik Ibsen, Robert Dale Owen, James Joyce, and
Bertrand Russell.
Psychologists who measure IQ have never found any statistical
difference between the intelligence of men and women. High, middle,
and low IQs are found in both sexes! There is no scientific proof
of male inferiority!
The mythology of male brutishness and stupidity has been spread
by the androphobes without a single shred of statistical evidence.
Do you believe men are innately brutal? When no other human being
was willing to nurse the lepers on Molokai Island, it was a male,
Father Joseph Damien, who went there to care for those unfortunates.
Or consider these further suppressed facts about maleness:
Although they were men, Michaelangelo, Sir Christopher Wren, and Frank
Lloyd Wright are almost universally considered great architects.
The first Feminist pamphlet published in this country was written
by a man -- Tom Paine (who also wrote the first anti-slavery
pamphlet.)
The most original music of this century, Jazz, was created almost
entirely by Black males.
Free public libraries, which made more knowledge available to more people
than any invention before the computer net, were founded on gifts made by
Andrew Carnegie, who was not just male but a rich white male!
Leonardo da Vinci made hundreds of great contributions to both science
and art despite the triple handicaps of being Gay, left-handed and male.
Men including Martin Luther King Jr., Mahatma Gandhi, and Sean
McBride have played important roles in the struggle for world peace.
Although Shakespeare, Dante, and Homer were males, they wrote poetry
generally considered as good as anything by Hilda Doolittle.
Beethoven, Mozart, and Bach were men and yet they wrote music at
least as good as that of Hildegarde of Bingen.
Males such as Newton, Einstein, and Arhimedes made contributions
to science as important as those of Marie Curie.
The cure for yellow fever, saving the lives of millions,
was found by a man, Major Walter Reed.
Despite the androphobic mythology/ideology, at no time in history
except the present was maleness considered a shame, a disgrace, or
a sign of inferiority.
All the "major" religions (those having millions of followers) were
founded by males born in Asia. (Confuscius, Lao-Tse, Buddha, Moses,
Jesus, Mohammed.)
Men were responsible for such basic discoveries as the sailing
ship, the compass, the steam engine, the electric light, the AC
generator, the computer, and many others. And males created over
90% of mathematics.
All of this sounds strange, bizarre, almost unbelievable, I know. We have
all had so much brainwashing by the androphobic meme that we scarcely can
believe males have ever done anything but shoot one another, rape women,
and blow people up. Androphobia is the one respectable bigotry -- the
only form of group-libel that is "politically correct" and goes
unchallenged almost everywhere. Male achievements, thus, have been
systematically excluded from "the universe of discourse" -- i.e. what
"nice" people talk about.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 10:37:59 PST
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: early slip (ooooops! <thud>) date
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
[This was evidently the annual April Fool's Sun announcement.
Sorry it is so late in getting posted. I seem to recall that some of
the Sun execs were lured into what they thought was a friendly ice
hockey game, only to be matched up with some real NHL players? --spaf]
------- Forwarded Message
Subject: SUNSTRUCKFLASH! (Part II - The Intro!)
SUNSTRUCK INTRODUCES ANOTHER BUSINESS UNIT, SUNPUCK;
THREE NEW SHARK(TM) SYSTEMS AT NEW PALO ALTO HEADQUARTERS
SunStruck/SunPuck Ices the Competition with Expanded Product Line
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. -- March 31, 1992 -- SunStruck, the pranks
subsidiary of Sun Microsystems, Inc., today announced its newest business
unit, SunPuck, and the latest in its continuing series of SHARK(TM) systems:
the small, durable rink-top SHARKstation 3; a behemoth server system, the
SHARKserver 3-4WD; and the first-ever, human computing "Team System",
The SHARKS.
The new SHARKstation 3 rink-top unit, complete with double runner skates
for unsurpassed stability in such a unit, is a saline- OR fresh-water
counterpart to last year's SHARKstation 1. Just announced is the added
ability to operate in sub-zero conditions and its ruggedized design can
withstand full-chassis checks and Gretskyesque slapshots.
SunPuck's SHARKserver 3-4WD utilizes a totally new chassis method for modern
SHARK-environment computing, which respected industry analyst Brain Hedgehog
referred to as "being modeled after the classic Zamboni machine, but lacking
those little purple feet."
But clearly, the culmination of SunPuck's work is the latest in human-
computer interface systems. SunPuck displayed its new (San Jose) SHARKS
MP (multi-player) Team System, this industry's first NHL-compliant system.
In order to truly show off the ability of the SHARKS MP Team System, a like
team of experienced MP Sun executives was formed. Previously known as "The
Leafs," the newly-formed was led by surprised team captain and SMI CEO
Skates McKneely and assistant captain Hurt Wozisname to face off against
the team from SunStruck's latest unit.
"Originally we were going to demonstrate the new MP Team System by having The
SHARKS play OSF (Other Siliconvalley Firms), but we found that too many of
them were simply skating on thin ice and just couldn't compete," explained
SunPuck co-manager Hardy Mess. "Our Beta freeze version was more solid than
anything that OSF could muster," added Mob Bitten, SunPuck's other co-manager,
"so we decided to reform The Leafs into The SPARCS for this demonstration."
Throughout the 20-minute "SPARCS vs. SHARKS" demonstration it became clear
that even a group of experienced MP executives from an industry-leading giant
such as Sun were no match for the new SunPuck MP system. "That goalie even
checked me on my butt," bemoaned Sun executive/participant Hurt Wozisname,
"and that's usually where my benchmarks are!"
Analyst Ed Zambonitini remarked, "It seems that Sun, as usual, is skating
circles around the competition."
Rumors continued throughout the event that the SunStruck group "still had
another ACE up their sleeves," and were holding back on one major, key
announcement. "Even though they've delivered everything that anyone could
ever ask for in Tongue-in-Cheek systems right here, I've heard that they're
holding out on a doozy for their 'more traditional' introduction date,"
stated a source who asked to remain unnamed. "They have literally knocked
some heads here today and I can't wait to see what's in store for tomorrow!,"
the source continued.
When asked to substantiate these rumors, McKneely denied that there was any
way that anything more could happen. "I'll be with my staff at the Monterey
Bay Aquarium all day tomorrow, so I don't see how anything relating to
SunStruck or SHARKstations could happen there!"
Stay frozen in place as you await any further happenings....
###
SunStruck, Inc., now headquartered in Palo Alto, Calif., is a loosely-owned
subsidiary of Sun Microsystems, Inc. The company is the leading worldwide
supplier of corporate pranks, Sun Business Units -- Oop! Strike that one!
- -- and tee shirts that have absolutely nothing to do with distributed
computing. SunStruck's products are targeted at unwary SMI executives
and their end users.
###
Sun Microsystems, Inc. is the world's leading supplier of client/server
computing solutions, which feature networked workstations and servers that
store, process, and distribute lord-knows-what. Demanded for many demanding
commercial and technical demands, Sun products command the largest
share of the computer industry's fastest growing demand: P/E ratio.
Founded in 1982 and headquartered in Mountain View, California, Sun is a
multibillion dollar corporation going about its business wherever it can.
###
SHARKstation, and anything starting with the letters "Sun" are trademarks
of Sun Microsystems, Inc. licensed to SunStruck, Inc. OPEN LOOK is a
trademark of UNIX Systems Laboratories, Inc., but then what does that
matter here? Even if there were any mentioned, all other products
mentioned herein would not be identified by the trademarks as designated
by the companies who market those products because there are entirely too
many people worried about that sort of thing these days. Anyone wishing
to inquire concerning such trademarks should have their head examined.
SunStruck makes no claims concerning anything at all in this, or any
extrapolated or otherwise imagined universe, or its derivative.
###
The (San Jose) SHARKS, their logo, and anything having remotely to do with
real ice hockey, belong in every way to the Sharks organization. We simply
do NOT want to mess with those guys! Oh, yeah, the NHL may have something
to say about it, too.
###
UNIX is a registered trademark of UNIX System Laboratories, Inc. OPEN LOOK
is a registered trademark of American Telephone and Telegraph Company only
because their name is the longest. SPARC is a registered trademark of SPARC
International, Inc. because no one else liked the name "SPARC Everywhere."
Products bearing the SPARC trademark are based on an architecture developed
by Sun Microsystems, Inc. So what? "vi" is a trademark of Bill Joy.
###
Special thanks to The Leafs hockey team for their assistance and silence
while pulling the wool over their teammate's eyes, Scott and Curt, and
good luck in their tournament game tonight, too!
SunPuck is currently headquartered at 3009 Middlefield Road, Palo Alto,
California. (This site was previously known as "The Winter Lodge," site
of only open air outdoor ice rink west of the Sierras.)
PR contact:
Lisa Mock-Miller (415) 960-1300
Analyst contact:
Erma Hernandez (555) ICE-NINE
------------------------------
Date: 1 Apr 92 04:00:27 GMT
From: kibo@world.std.com (Leader Kibo)
Subject: IMPORTANT PROCLAMATION: THE FUTURE OF THE NET
Newsgroups: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,clari.net.talk,comp.org.eff.talk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.john-palmer,alt.sex
P R O C L A M A T I O N
***********************
WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has problems:
=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.
=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.
=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.
THEREFORE, in an official and secret democratic vote, Kibo has been duly
elected LEADER OF THE NET. To solve these problems, Leader Kibo has
decided to take bold measures, a brave new initiative, detailed herein.
PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE
ISSUED ON 4/15/92, 0600GMT.
A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for
government employees.
PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL
BE ISSUED ON 4/16/92, 0600GMT.
The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.
Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet!
********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********
THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:
Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE.
=> nonbozo.*
=> bozo.*
=> megabozo.*
Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting
in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre,
etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the
groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the
faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in
bozosity assessment.
It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus:
1.0000% nonbozo.*
90.0000% bozo.*
9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)
Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,
bozo.inane.*, bozo.argue.*.
New groups will also be added for maximum enjoyment. The network would
be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new
groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously
father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,
megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official
Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then
making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $100 for each
letter in the new group's name, and $500 for each period.
Also, over five billion groups will be added at HappyNet's inception,
free of charge!
********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********
To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader
Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of
"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are
popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba,
alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,
alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.angst.xibo.sex, alt.religion.kibology,
alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is
equal before the eyes of Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE WILL
HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP.
A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be
mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read:
Dear Citizen Of The New Network,
You will be assigned your own group, placement depending
on your answer to this simple question.
ARE YOU A BOZO? [] YES [] NO
People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and
people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.
People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be
taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to
appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and
assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.
Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED
ACCESS to HappyNet.
********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********
Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR
DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room
of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net
communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as
it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and
to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.
In fact, it will even allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are
THINKING, thanks to the heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL
FORCE.
********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********
The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer
system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,
relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor,
censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to
DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS.
They have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks and the
twelve-inch-thick shoulder pads and the twelve-inch cleats.
And, of course, they will punish evildoers at night.
********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********
Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,
and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.
.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud.
Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
officially changed to "Me Too".
Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
Webster's Ninth.
Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose",
"Anti-Semetic", or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth
ten times.
Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.
Sending a newgroup without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is forced to
adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.
Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
groups about fluffy puppies.
Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is
rendered illiterate by a simple trephination.
Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all
of Craig's mail.
Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when
people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.
Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
slogans on their body in huge script letters.
Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new
keyboard without capitals or punctuation.
*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for
each asterisk.
Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.
Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the
advertising time.
Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're
using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.
Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,
whose custom Mondo Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far better
than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.
Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.
Humor impairment: Execution.
Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
poster predicted.
There are others, but they are double secret.
Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various
enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition
Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic
Patriots, and the .signature .specialforce.
Alt.flame (now megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by tale@rpi.edu, as
his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.
A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the
frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in
Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Brad
Templeton, allowing him to devote full time to ClariNet.
Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of
the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.
LEGAL NOTICE: Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you
MUST include the following:
Disclaimer: This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo. This article
does not necessarily represent the opinions of Leader Kibo. Have a nice
day.
******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********
In the future, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other
`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup
comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex
(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.
********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 01 Apr 92 07:51:11 +0100
From: Julian Onions <j.onions@xtel.co.uk>
Subject: Paper on high speed networking.
To: ietf@ISI.EDU, tcp-ip@nic.ddn.mil
This may put a bit of a damper on some of the high speed networking
research but I think it is worth airing at this time.
Comments to me please - I will summarise if there is interest.
Thanks,
Julian.
Some Perceived Problems with the Introduction of
Terabit Network Technologies.
Julian Onions
X-Tel Services Ltd
Nottingham.
ENGLAND.
ABSTRACT
This short paper attempts to highlight some
potential problems associated with the introduc-
tion of high speed networking - specifically at
the Terabit per second level. These problems are
still in the theoretical arena as practical Tera-
bit networks are probably still several weeks away
from fabrication.
Introduction.
The primary problem when considering Terabit networks must
be the enormous speed that the packets on such networks will
be traveling. Naturally there are problems at the protocol
level with very large window sizes necessary for useful
throughput, and enormous quantities of data in flight at any
one point. However, these problems are encountered at the
Gigabit level and are solvable in principle (by appropriate
window and packet size negotiation for instance).
The major problem that is perceived at such high speeds is
that data is now flowing at a significant fraction of the
speed of light. This brings into play a number of relativis-
tic effects that must be taken into account when designing
such high speed networks.
Physical Considerations.
There are firstly a number of physical considerations that
must be taken into account. These are problems associated
with any body traveling close to the speed of light (c).
1. A large amount of energy is required to accelerate the
packets to the required velocity. However, the closer
one approaches c - the more of that energy is
transformed into mass. Thus packets will become
heavier. A related problem is the slowing down of
packets, when they enter conventional lower speed Mega-
bit networks. The large amounts of energy that have
gone into accelerating the packets and giving them
extra mass will be lost. This will require large heat
sinks. Cable fractures may also be explosive in these
cases (which is in keeping with the abbreviation TNT
Terabit Network Technologies). Alternatively, a spe-
cial large coil of cable could be used to allow the
packets to naturally slow down.
2. Networks often need to be laid to fit the physical
shapes of buildings and other infrastructure. When any
body traveling close to c undergoes acceleration it
tends to emit breaking radiation or bremsstrahlung.
This is particularly noticeable when bodies have to
undergo angular acceleration when turning corners.
Thus any bends in the cabling will have to be heavily
shielded with lead plates to stop the intense burst of
high energy particles. At high enough speeds, the cur-
vature of the Earth may also prove a significant loss
of energy.
3. Whilst traveling at high speeds, the packets will
undergo time-dilation effects. Thus whilst two ends of
a connection may agree on a round-trip time for a
packet, this may well be different to the packets per-
ceived RTT. The packets estimate of the RTT will be
shorter than the measured delay. Therefore if times are
kept in the packet this will lead to confusion.
4. When a body is traveling at high speeds, it tends to
shrink in the direction of the travel. This means that
a packet taking 1400 bytes, might actually take up 1300
bytes space on the network. This leads to more capacity
being available than might first be perceived. However
all routers must be able to handle packets at speed to
stop them suddenly growing. This leads to circuit
switching being possibly a better base technology.
A perhaps more serious problem is the case of collisions on
a network technology such as ethernet. The collision of two
very high speed packets could give rise to many spectacular
effects, equivalent to those seen in current particle
accelerators. In particular the creation of virtual packets
may be a cause of errors. These packets would be short lived
and would be undetectable directly except in the presence of
close detectors. However they may decay into real packets of
dubious composition which will have to be trapped and
ignored. In practice checksumming will probably catch many
of these cases.
Protocol Considerations.
Due to the relativistic effects of traveling at high speed,
the packets will age at a slower rate than the rest of the
world. This has impact on several parameters.
1. Any time-to-live parameters may be affected. In the
non-relativistic world has the packet has aged several
seconds, however the packet travelling at high speed
may only have aged a few milliseconds. A packet with
the destination of mars for instance, may in the real
world take several minutes to complete the round trip,
but from the packets view it will only be a few
seconds.
2. Security based on time stamps will have to be reviewed.
Traveling at high speeds means that a window of a few
seconds is now much wider, because of the slowing of
time whilst the packet containing the timestamp is in
flight.
One possible way of nullifying many of these effects is to
make use of the session layer in the OSI model. With all its
inherent complexity, the session layer should add an effec-
tive braking force to many of the packets.
Another potential problem is red and blue shifting of data.
As viewed by a static network connector, the approaching
data may well be blue-shifted by an appreciable amount. This
might be viewed as the equivalent of the logical-shift-left
operation. Data may very well appear distorted while in
transit. Checksumming data in this environment is not going
to be easy. Similarly interface taps attempting to verify
their own data may as it is transmitted may be confused by
red-shifted data departing.
Application Considerations.
There is much potential for confusion when relativistic
effects are considered at the application level. It is com-
mon to see the timestamps on messages go backwards
currently, but this is normally due to unsynchronised
clocks. With time dilation effects it may be possible for
packets to actually go backwards in time for small periods,
further confusing the issue.
The Network Time Protocol (NTP) will have to be revisited to
take into account the compression of time in packets. Possi-
ble confusion may arise when it appears that a site several
light minutes away is actually only taking a few mil-
liseconds to complete the network traversal.
Other Considerations
The potential for compression of data whilst in flight could
lead to several possibilities. In particular the old tech-
nology of storing data in a cable loop may be revitalised by
this technique. With sufficient power input it may be possi-
ble to store many gigabytes in a short length of cable, pro-
vided of course the floor is suitably strengthened to deal
with the corresponding gain in mass. Extensibility using
this technique is easy and cheap. Just add a longer bit of
cable onto the reel.
------------------------------
Subject: New Product Announcement
From: jerry (Jerry Bauer)
To: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
NEW PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT
DENSE DEVICES announces its latest products, BITBUCKET, an
arbitrary-density data compressor, and the BITSTER, a software
write-only disk emulator.
With a unique, proprietary compression algorithm based on DENSE
DEVICES' bit-additive data storage technology, BITBUCKET can pack an
arbitrary amount of information into virtually zero space. With bit
additive storage technology, all the bits to be stored are added
together (with a proprietary algorithm) to generate a single-bit
checkbit. The breakthrough that led to the development of BITBUCKET
was the discovery that this checkbit is always 1, except in the case
of all-zero data. Because the incidence of all-zero data is
vanishingly rare, it is handled as a special case, by adding 1 to the
check-bit.
After extensive statistical study of a variety of different data, the
research team at DENSE DEVICES LABS determined that the algorithm
could ignore this special case and treat all data identically.
Further, since the resultant check-bits are known for all possible
data, the check-bit calculation is unnecessary. This results in a
speedup of several orders of magnitude.
Since, with bit-additive storage technology, only the check-bit needs
to be stored, the realization that this bit is known for all data
results in nearly complete elimination of the requirement for data
storage of any kind. The access algorithm need only respond with the
previously calculated single-bit check-bit. This is a simple look-up
operation. Storage requirements increase linearly with the size of
data to be stored, by a factor of zero.
An ancilliary benefit of this compression algorithm is data security.
The encoding of data with bit-additive technology produces an
encrypted representation that is very resistant to unauthorized
decryption, but very quick and easy to decrypt with the proper key.
The proper decryption key is easily created by passing the original
data through a proprietary (and top-secret) algorithm. Furthermore,
decryption with an improper key yields apparently good results, with
no indication that the decryption failed. This can thwart even the
most persistent code-breakers.
BITBUCKET is available for most operating systems, and has been
tested in a large number of computing environments. Single CPU and
site licenses are available. Export restrictions apply.
The BITSTER is a reduced-functionality version of BITBUCKET.
Lacking the decryption-key generation capability, the BITSTER
compresses arbitrary amounts of data into virtually zero physical
memory. It can be used to replace /dev/null on UNIX(tm) based systems.
The BITSTER is available for most operating systems, and has been
tested in a large number of computing environments. Single CPU and
site licenses are available. Export restrictions apply.
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DENSE DEVICES, INCORPORATED
1 Pythagoras Square,
Over, Andover, Again,
Redundant, RSA 98765
>From DENSE people come DENSE products.
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End of Yucks Digest
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