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Yucks Digest V2 #27 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Fri, 24 Apr 92 Volume 2 : Issue 27
Today's Topics:
A Kinder and Gentler MPG
Ants
As time goes by
A Taxing Subject
Beer
Best "smart ass" answer of the week...
bizarre
class
cutie
Duo use tatoos instead of rings to wed
Erectioneering.
Firemen Rescue Love-Making Duo
Frat Suspended For Branding
No Nudes Show For Free Show
pain
PC Recycling
Ship of the Damned
Swiss Army OKs Men's Ponytails
Tacoma Police Comment On Human Hand Found In Pond
Why you can't run X on a "PC"
Would you want this guy to plan your surgery?
Some students comments (Again.) [LONG]
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Apr 92 14:46:18 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A Kinder and Gentler MPG
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From the Wall Street Journal (around April 21st, 1992)
"A Restless Loner On a Custom Bike: It's HAL on Wheels"
"This goes against everything I believe in," he [Steve Roberts] says
of the 7-miles-per-gallon vehicle. He adds, though, that "I once
calculated that it gets 1.2 light years per cubic mile of gasoline.
It sounds better that way."
------------------------------
From: rigler@galileo.ifa.hawaii.edu (Somme Mersault)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: Ants
Date: 5 Apr 92 22:59:51 GMT
At this very moment:
Ants are swarming over my terminal and keyboard, my hands, my arms,
looking in vain for something useful to carry back to their nest.
I bear them no animosity. I just wish I could point them in the
direction of the _organic_ material which lies just the other side
my bedroom wall. A veritable feast of tropical mulch, rotting fruits
and helpless writhing caterpillars, just sitting out there waiting
for the ant colony ambitious enough to take it.
Then again...that is probably where they came from...
[This is what happens when you are awake too long and drink too much
Jolt Cola.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 09:04:23 -0700
Subject: As time goes by
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: RICHON@stsci.edu (I feel like a juggler running out of hands)
I guess you could say my wife wrote this.
My wife and I were talking to a recently engaged friend of ours.
At one point my wife mentioned that every marriage goes through
a lovey-dovey stage when the sun rises and sets on the other
person. "Don't you still feel that way?" I asked. "Certainly I
do," my wife answered, "it just sets earlier than it used to."
------------------------------
Date: 18 Apr 92 08:30:06 GMT
From: ilana@niwot.scd.ucar.EDU (Ilana Stern)
Subject: A Taxing Subject
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The U.S. Tax Code is even stranger than people usually give it credit for.
Here are some of the more obscure tax forms and schedules.
They are all real!
Form 4563 Exclusion of Income for Bona-Fide Residents of American Samoa
Form 1045 Application for Tentative Refund
Form 6197 Gas-Guzzler Tax
Form 8328 Carry-Forward Election of Unused Private Activity Bond Volume Cap
Schedule R Generation Skipping Transfer Tax
Schedule P Credit for Foreign Death Taxes
Form 4461-B Application of Master or Prototype Plan, or Regional Prototype
Plan Mass Submitter Adopting Sponsor
Form 5407 Application for Determination of Master or Prototype, Regional
Prototype, or Volume-Submitter Plans
Form 5213 Election to Postpone Determination as to Whether the Presumption
That an Activity is Engaged in for Profit Applies
Aren't you glad you don't have to file any of these?
(Extracted from a newspaper article by Bill Callahan at the Government
Publications Library at the University of Colorado.)
------------------------------
From: carasso@inference.com (==ROGER=CARASSO==)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: INSTANT BEER!!!
Date: 6 Apr 92 18:57:17 GMT
April 1, 1992, Wednesday
------------------------
Alberta's Calgary Sun ran an April Fools' Day bogus ad announcing
"an amazing breakthrough --- a concentrated dehydrated beer you can
carry anywhere with you."
The ad contained instructions telling readers to cut around the
dotted lines of a small box on the page (which supposedly contained
samples of the concentrated beer), place it in a glass of cold water,
and put the glass in a freezer for five minutes. The ad contained a
phone number at the Sun.
According to Sun columnist John Gradon, the paper received 1,022
calls from people who actually tried to make the "instant beer." Among
the comments were there:
"I've even tried two papers and it still doesn't work."
"I've got two morons in my office looking at two glasses of water
with paper in'em."
"It's kinda flat --- I'll leave it a little longer, I think."
One man actually ordered 150 extra copies of the paper, claiming he
was going to have a party.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 15:41:57 -0500
From: mckay@gimli.bio.purdue.edu (Dwight McKay)
Subject: Best "smart ass" answer of the week...
To: bob
Here's my nominee for best "smart ass" answer of the week:
In article <1992Apr16.183023.23907@decuac.dec.com>, avolio@dco.DEC.COM
(Frederick M. Avolio) writes:
From: avolio@dco.DEC.COM (Frederick M. Avolio)
Subject: Re: Why is dxclock bigger than vmunix?
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 13:30:23 GMT-0:03
Organization: Digital Equipment Corp., Washington ULTRIX Resource Center
In article <29EDBABE.558@noiro.acs.uci.edu>, iglesias@draco.acs.uci.edu (Mike
Iglesias) writes:
>In article <peterd.703429230@pjd.dev.cdx.mot.com> peterd@pjd.dev.cdx.mot.com
(Peter Desnoyers) writes:
>>I'm sure people have beaten this topic to death before, but I'll flog it
>>again - WHY DOES IT TAKE 400K BYTES MORE CODE SPACE AND 200K BYTES MORE
>>DATA SPACE TO PUT A SILLY CLOCK ON THE SCREEN THAN TO IMPLEMENT ULTRIX?
>
>dxclock is also dxcalc, dxcalendar, and dxpuzzle. They are all
>hardlinked to the same executable.
And, although known by very few people, dxclock is also the executable that
runs the traffic information signs on the New Jersey Turnpike (you know...
accident/snow/fog/rain/ice conditions ahead) so please don't strip it's symbol
table and try to keep your workstation up and running.
------------------------------
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
From: rfs@uunet.uu.net (Robert F Spence)
Subject: Re: An ode to my goldfish, Mr. Goldfish
Date: Sun, 5 Apr 1992 23:37:48 GMT
> My goldfish died a quiet death.
> Thanks for not waking me up.
Goldfish Surprise
1 large goldfish 8 oz. sake
5 oz. curry powder 3 cups mashed pearl onions
Fold curry powder into mashed onions. Gut goldfish and marinade
in sake for 30 min. Place all ingredients in casserole dish and
bake for 20 min. at 480 deg. Garnish with beak.
Chef Tell graduate of the Carasso School of Culinary Arts.
------------------------------
From: cpl1@kimbark.uchicago.edu (M. d'Nereverri)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: demonstrations
Date: 8 Apr 92 07:28:42 GMT
again, from the 91-92 STUDENT COURSE EVALUATION GUIDE:
"Mr. Muller's demonstrations were again called superb, though
students were concerned about their safety. One student said "Muller
felt that 'What good is class if the instructor doesn't risk his life
once in a while?' He did quite often."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Apr 92 04:34:27 EST (Fri)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: ihnp4!harpo!decvax!wivax!linus!genradbo!grkermit!markm
A scientist, an enginneer, and a hacker escape from jail. They decide to
hide from the approaching guards in a nearby apple orchard. They each
clamber up a different tree and hide themselves among the branches. Minutes
later the guards arrive. The guard dogs lead them to the tree where the
scientist is hiding. The scientist thinks fast and goes "hoot hoot". "Just
an owl", says one guard to another. The dogs then lead them to the tree
where the enginneer is hiding. The enginneer follows the scientist's lead
and goes "tweet tweet". "Just a sparrow", says the guard, kicking one of
the dogs. The dogs then lead them to the tree where the hacker is hiding.
"You better be right this time", shouts the guard to the dogs. "Is there
anyone up there?", yells the guard. "Moooo Mooooo".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 22 Apr 92 21:31:19 PDT
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: Duo use tatoos instead of rings to wed
To: spaf
>From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92 -
Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding
in East Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red
tank top - all the better to show off arms tattooed with figures of
Old West saloons and American Indians.
They signified the permanence of their marriage - his third, her
fourth - by having their ring fingers tattooed.
"It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver.
"You can't loose it."
In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered
unusual. But it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual
National Tattoo Convention.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Apr 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: kwgoodwin@icaen.uiowa.edu (Kirk W Goodwin)
Subject: Erectioneering.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Heard on the Rush Limbaugh Radio Program:
"Do you know the real reason why George Bush regurgitated and passed out
in Japan?"
"He wanted to get the college vote."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Apr 92 20:49:50 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Firemen Rescue Love-Making Duo
To: yucks-request
FRANKFURT, Germany (AP)
A love-making session ended in a cold shower for a student couple
at Frankfurt University early Thursday.
The couple sneaked into a ladies' restroom but was left stranded
when a janitor locked the doors for the night.
After futile attempts to unlock the doors, the couple in
desperation activated a fire sprinkler system that brought firemen
rushing to the university cafeteria shortly after midnight.
The two students were freed from their predicament but the
university said Thursday it expected them to pay for the $12,000 in
damage caused by the sprinkler system.
The students' identities were not released.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 12:15:31 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Frat Suspended For Branding
To: yucks-request
RUSTON, La. (AP)
Louisiana Tech University has suspended a campus fraternity for
its practice of branding its initials into the flesh of its members,
university officials said.
A school committee this week suspended Delta Kappa Epsilon because
branding violates the school's anti-hazing policy, said Jean Hall,
vice president for student affairs.
"We do not want any type of organization that does this type of
thing to our kids," Hall said Thursday.
Randy Dailey, fraternity president, said the organization would
appeal.
The fraternity was placed on probation for five months in 1990 for
allegedly hanging two dead cats as ornaments on a Christmas tree.
Under the suspension, the 31-member fraternity is barred from
participating in campus activities for two years. Some younger
members will be required to move from the fraternity house into a
campus dormitory.
Administrators began investigating the fraternity after the father
of a former student complained about the brand on the arm of his son,
a DKE member.
Dailey admitted Thursday that members are given the opportunity to
be branded after they have been with the fraternity six months.
But the practice is not an initiation rite and those who get the
brand must volunteer, said Dailey.
"This is not something that our organization does as a whole. And
several members do not have it," Dailey said.
[But what happens if they decide to get married at the National Tattoo
Convention? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 11:11:44 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: No Nudes Show For Free Show
To: yucks-request
MELBOURNE, Australia (AP)
It was a case of no nudes, bad news for the Valhalla cinema.
The avant-garde theater offered free entry Friday to a special
matinee showing of "Naked Lunch," the bizarre new film by Canadian
director David Cronenberg.
The only catch was that nudity was a condition of entry.
Considering that winter is just around the corner, changing rooms
were available for doffing clothes after arrival.
But the Valhalla was forced to cancel the show when no one turned up.
------------------------------
From: dlwilson@fenix.encore.com (David L Wilson)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subject: a list, a list, aw shit, a list
Date: 7 Apr 92 20:03:13 GMT
After my little injury last week, I was forced to come up with the following
list of responses:
10. It's my collarbone.
9. Yes, I know it's called a clavicle.
8. Yes, they gave me good drugs.
8. No, you can't have any.
7. Don't touch it.
6. Playing ultimate frisbee.
5. Yes, I made the catch.
4. About six weeks.
3. Hurts like a sonuvabitch.
2. ha, ha.
And the number one response is:
1. Get the fuck away from me, you miserable shit. Goddamn this hurts.
"Pain is nature's way of telling you not to do that."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Apr 92 11:02:15 -0400
From: wex@pws.ma30.bull.com
Subject: PC Recycling
To: spaf
>From April's Reason magazine:
The [Harvard Divinity S]chool placed recycling bins around campus to collect
paper. The bins were originally labeled "white" and "colored." Someone
anonymously relabeled the latter bins "paper of color." Penthouse magazine
reports that the school then relabeled all the bins "bleached paper" and
"dyed paper."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Apr 92 06:51:05 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Ship of the Damned
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: guy@auspex.com (Guy Harris)
>From an article in *LAN Computing* (hey, I was waiting for an "fsck" to
finish, and nobody had any higher-quality publications, such as *Weekly
World News*, handy):
IBM has taken steps in recent months to link with other computer
companies to clear a path for the RS/6000. "As IBM continues to
try to get more OEMs," said Jim Johnson, an analyst at the
Standish Group (Hyannis, Mass.), "like Wang and Bull, you'll see
the RS/6000 begin to become an industry-standard chip. ..."
Ooooh! Wang and Bull! Some real winners there, you betcha.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 18:12:06 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Swiss Army OKs Men's Ponytails
To: yucks-request
BERN, Switzerland (AP)
Swiss army recruits must wear their hair above the collar, but new
regulations mean they won't necessarily have to cut it off, the
Defense Ministry announced Friday.
Beginning June 1, recruits sporting trendy ponytails will be
spared the barbers' scissors as long as they wear a hairnet.
All Swiss men are required to do military service, starting with
17 weeks basic training at age 20 and regular refresher courses after
that.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Apr 92 17:00:02 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Tacoma Police Comment On Human Hand Found In Pond
To: yucks-request
At approximately 8:30 a.m. today, the Tacoma Police responded to
the Lakeside Landing Apartments at South 12th and Mildred Streets in
Tacoma, the police department announced. The police had been called
after one of the residents had found what appeared to be a human hand
in one of the ponds located at the apartment complex.
Officers, after confirming with the medical examiner that the
little hand was human, requested that Tacoma Fire respond the scene
with their scuba divers to assist in the search of the ponds.
The age of the hand is unknown; although it is believed to be very
young.
Sgt. Sam Thrall of the department's Crimes Against Person Section
will be at the scene today. Further details may be available tomorrow
from the acting public information officer, Wallace Mason.
No further information regarding the hand is known at this time,
and the investigation is continuing.
CONTACT: Wallace Mason of the Tacoma Police Department,
206-591-5501.
[Do a quick check to see if you are missing either hand. If so, call
Wallace. Why else would his complete phone number be there? --spaf]
------------------------------
Newsgroups: comp.windows.x
From: jnewman@sisters.cs.uoregon.edu (Jonathan Grady Newman)
Subject: Indian Red
I was personally offended when I discovered the color "Indian Red" on our
X system. I have been told that this is a standard. Why is such a racist
color name still being used? What can be done about it?
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 24 Apr 92 08:29:14 EDT
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Would you want this guy to plan your surgery?
To: bob
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Cardiothoracic Imaging, Rick speaking."
"Hi. This is Doctor <X>, over at CHOP." (CHOP=Children's Hospital of Philly)
"Howdy. What can I do for you?"
"I'm logged into my account here, and I want to know how to
run the programs."
"Well, the machines there are exactly the same as the machines here
at HUP, so just do whatever you normally do." (HUP=Hospital of UPenn)
"Yes, but my data's on sequoia."
"Well, sequoia's over here at HUP, and there's no network connection between
HUP and CHOP. You'll need to take it over on tape or optical disc."
"But I just want to load my data from the disk."
"I understand that, but there's no *wire* between the machines."
<Pause>
"Well, couldn't you write a program?"
[The frightening thing is the number of programmers who would try.... --spaf]
------------------------------
From: Rich Boccuzzi <rboccuzz@cs.ulowell.edu>
To: spaf
Date: Mon, 20 Apr 92 14:47:44 EDT
Subject: Some students comments (Again.) [LONG]
[I never get creative critiques from my students, and certainly
nothing approaching this. I'm not sure if I'm sorry or not....
--spaf]
This is from this semester's "The Critical Review" at Brown
University.
"Funny" Quotes
"I came, I saw, I was conquered."
"Excellent. She was nice. She knew my name. I love here. I
love you."
"Purpose--to prove the proffessor's wacked out theories and act
as guniea pigs for his ideas for his book."
"There was a TA. He did an excellent job of distributing hand
outs. Do you have to go to graduate school to be able to do that?"
"If the instructor's worth is measured in dollars, he'd be the
Florida Lottery."
"Not for the weak of heart or slow of pen."
"In this cleass, you spend a lot of time doing that
'head-bobbing thing.'"
"This course is awesome, kind of like sex without the mess."
"This course paralleled the torture Dante must have faced on his
journey through Hell."
"If [professor] were president of the United States, the world
would be a much better place."
"The TA was very useful--she wore $500 outfits everyday and gave
me something to look at."
"Hollywood makes pictures about teachers like [professor]
although she wouldn't appreciate it."
"This class was impossible--requirements included being a
genius, spending 25 hours a day on homework, and being able to perform
minor acts of God."
"After taking 2 classes of his, he could stand up there and
fart and I'd still think he was good."
"This was the most stupid, useless, moronic junk I've ever sat
through. Essential background is a brain cell."
"The only thing this class taught me was how to swear."
"Excellence never dressed so well!"
"I could not tell you the purpose of this course except to
inflict needless pain and suffering on those who choose to show up for
each session and to do the homework."
"Dispose of the teacher in an environmentally safe way."
"The only way the instructor could have been more confusing
would be if he spoke another language."
"I am now considering transferring to another school because of
what has happened in this course."
"His energy makes Richard SImmons look like he is already in his
grave."
"I found the professor's lectures fascinateing despite (or maybe
because of) his tendency to harp on the grotesque."
"I stopped going to section after 3 weeks since I figured going
to sleep would do more to improve my understanding."
"The instructor is a demi-god. Okay, he is mortal; but less
mortal than other mortals."
"She was great. She was the first teacher that I've had in 7
years whom I would be genuinely sorry to see shot."
"She looks like my mother, but is more intelligent, and
unfortunately , much more Marxist."
"Could you please put me in the back of the CR? I have tried to
get in before, but I am a CS concentrator and thus NOT funny enough."
"Good. As exciting as a plank of wood, but good."
"This course has served to undermide my confidence in the entire
educational system."
"For those who have to take this class, it sucks to be you!"
"We learned a lot about how our pathetic government works."
"This was a classic college course experience for me. I shall
never, ever be the same."
"There's a lot of reading but like all Brown courses you didn't
have to do it. You'd still pass."
"The professor came to class on the first day and said he
would've been a player in the world's best reggae band, had he not
become a proffessor."
"In some courses, the textbook supersedes the teacher. In
others, the teacher supersedes the text. In this course, both were
useless."
"This instructor reminded me of a small, nervous dog. She was
always jumping around and speaking too quickly."
"The teacher's high pitched rapid fire speaking style would be
perfect for an auction, not a class."
"The professor is like Danny DeVito with a brain."
"Perhaps they have a few openings at the Ratty where [professor]
can be of more use."
"No requirements necessary. Basically a gut. But the teachers
to not realize it yet. They still think it is important."
"[Instructor] lacked any purpose in lecture. It took days to
argue in circles to finally decide there was no point."
"Tuesday/Thursday classes right after the Ratty are not my
ideal. The food just sits there and they try to teach you all that
stuff and the next thing you know you wake up with drool on your cheek."
"The TA did an adequate job of flipping to the next slide.
That's all I can say."
"Sections were like Saturday Night Live. Our TA could double
for Pat, but ran our section like Stuart Smalley. Everyone's answers
were 'okay'...more group therapy then section."
"[Professor] is a breaking Socrates, David Letterman, and Grover
incarnate!!"
"...his ego is bigger than the hair of a teenage Rhode Island
Girl--and that's big!"
"If Brown built him an altar, students would worship this guy
daily."
"The TA seemed rather harsh in his grading technique, but that's
probably just a stupid complaint for a whiny freshman."
"Enthusiasm could not have been higher if he had just given
birth to this class."
"This instructor is so anal retentive that he probably cleans
his house with a Q-tip."
"If every American took this course, the country would be a
better place."
"He knew his shit, but he thought his shit didn't stink at the
same time."
"The instructor is a stud. He's smarter than God. The problem
is, he made me feel like I had the intelligence of an onion. He also
was apparelntly allergic to something in our classroom and I thoght he
was going to explode."
"I ddidn't know they tenured robots."
"The TA was a breath of fresh air. As I'm from Los Angeles, I
guess that would be more like a light cough."
"I'm happy not to have a TA whose lips were always aimed for an
instructor's posterior."
"Intellectually satisfying? Intellectually exploding is more
like it; my brain feels like oozing radioactive waste after every
class."
"It contributed in the same way masturbating contributes to your
sex life."
"This course has made me appreciate every other course offered
at Brown."
DESCRIBE POSSIBLE WAYS TO IMPROVE THIS COURSE IN THE FUTURE.
"This course would have been greatly improved if Brown students
were intelligent."
"Get a new professor, preferably one who knows what century he's
in."
"Well, I don't know have the professor do a little stand up?"
"Find a professor who doesn't consider his students to be at the
intelligence level of garbage collectors."
"A major improvement in the course could be the incorporation of
pornographic materials. It is extremely difficult to theorize about
material we have never seen and only read about in vague descriptions."
"Get a professor who is not trying to get in the Guinness Book
of World Records for fastest lecturer."
"Change the title to something more appropriate, such as
'Pseudo-Intellectual Bullshit From Hell.'"
"Fuck you!! I'm sick of your goddamn questions. Just take the
course."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------