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Yucks Digest V2 #28 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 5 May 92 Volume 2 : Issue 28
Today's Topics:
[Re: Yucks Digest V2 #27 (shorts) ]
Rodney King Beating Jury's Top Ten Acquittal Excuses
CMU vs. Hell
FW: Today's Top Ten - 5/4/92
Game Strikes Back!
he needs help
Judge: Dissertation Lifted
Movie Sequel
no subject (file transmission)
One-liner
PC phraseology (fwd)
reds break treaty, invade nonpolitical newsgroup
Scientist Trading Card source?
There is justice
What else would one answer?
What kind of Realtime Computing are they *doing* out there?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Apr 1992 09:58:39 +0100
From: richard@fwi.uva.nl
Subject: [Re: Yucks Digest V2 #27 (shorts) ]
To: spaf
>Date: 17 Apr 92 04:34:27 EST (Fri)
>From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
>Subject: cutie
>To: spaf
>
>Contributed by: ihnp4!harpo!decvax!wivax!linus!genradbo!grkermit!markm
>
>A scientist, an enginneer, and a hacker escape from jail. They decide to
>
[ .... rest of joke in Yucks 2(27)...]
>
>anyone up there?", yells the guard. "Moooo Mooooo".
>
Obviously not a Mac hacker. Otherwise it would have been "Moof Moof"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 May 92 13:59:54 PDT
From: sbs@ciara.frame.com (Steven Sargent)
Subject: [Submission] Rodney King Beating Jury's Top Ten Acquittal Excuses
To: mdt@frame.com, tschramm@adobe.com, mxc@frame.com, adl@frame.com, ddm@frame.com, spaf
** Rodney King Beating Jury's Top Ten Acquittal Excuses **
10. Swayed by defense counsel's "Boys will be boys" closing argument.
9. Pressure from big-money Vegas gamblers.
8. Sometimes, ya gotta break the rules -- sorry, that's from the
*Burger King* beating jury.
7. He had replaced the cops' regular coffee with Folger's Crystals.
6. Were hoping that LA would be destroyed in the ensuing riots.
5. Parking tickets fixed for life.
4. Promised cameo appearances in "Dragnet II".
3. Thought beating tape was inadmissible after it appeared on
"America's Funniest Home Videos".
2. Case law explanations provided by nearby Reagan Library.
1. Doughnuts, doughnuts, doughnuts!
------------------------------
Date: 29 Apr 92 23:30:05 GMT
From: cn0m+@andrew.cmu.edu (Christopher Patrick Nelson)
Subject: CMU vs. Hell
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the back of a locally-brewed T-shirt:
Top Ten Subtle Differences
Between CMU and Hell
__________________________
10. It doesn't rain in Hell.
9. Everyone has heard of Hell.
8. It's more fun getting into Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. Hell is forever, CMU just seems like it.
4. People smile in Hell.
3. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
2. You know there are hot women in Hell.
And the #1 subtle difference between CMU and Hell...
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to CMU.
------------------------------
From: Dan Morrow
To: Dan Morrow
Subject: Today's Top Ten - 5/4/92
Date: Monday, May 04, 1992 08:38AM
TOP TEN WAYS TO SPEND THE EXTRA HOUR OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS
10. Twenty three-minute eggs.
9. Write 'Police Academy' sequels 7 through 15.
8. A wagonload of microwave waffles.
7. Tell your family you love them. (#7 has been brought to you
by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.)
6. Try on every pair of pants in your closet as you yell out
the window, "They fit!"
5. Whittle.
4. Memorize lyrics to "American Pie".
3. Call Time/LIFE. Hit on Judy the Operator.
2. Train your monkey to ride one of those little tricycles.
1. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Shampoo, rinse, repeat. Shampoo,
rinse, repeat.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 92 09:41:05 -0400
From: paul%dblegl.atl.ga.us@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Game Strikes Back!
To: spaf
>From the news services...
Missouri - A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was
shot in the leg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in
his car trunk and triggered his shotgun. "The turkeys are fighting
back." said Sheriff Ron Skiles. And well they might: It turns out
Larry Lands, who was in satisfactory condition in the hospital in
Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting a week before the
start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriff said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 12:19:16 CDT
From: ibmpa!frord.austin.ibm.com!meo@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Miles ONeal)
Subject: he needs help
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
> Newsgroups: comp.windows.x
>
> > Where does the big hex string that's used to add displays to xauth come
> > from?
>
> I usually pull one out of my butt.
WitchDoctors-R-Us
Damien Fnord, Medical Doctor, Doctor of Superstition
Hex Removals/Proctology
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 92 10:02:25 PDT
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Judge: Dissertation Lifted
To: yucks-request
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP)
An administrative law judge says it makes no difference that a
University of Tennessee professor gave a doctoral student permission
to copy his work.
It was still plagiarism.
"Granting permission to use original material may satisfy a legal
requirement but will not satisfy the intellectual," Judge Malcolm
McInnis said in his ruling.
"You cannot change the identity of the creator by permission."
The doctoral student, Dennis Faulkner, filed an appeal Thursday
with UT-Knoxville Chancellor John Quinn seeking reversal of McInnis'
order or a new hearing.
Last year, the university moved to rescind graduate engineering
degrees its Space Institute awarded to Faulkner and Peggy Potter.
Faulkner, 35, is a civilian employee of the U.S. Army Missile and
Space Intelligence Center in Huntsville, Ala., and Potter, 44, works
for the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.
The university said Faulkner's doctoral dissertation and work
Potter submitted for her master's degree were taken virtually word
for word from unpublished research that their professor, Walter
Frost, co-authored and supplied.
Officials alleged that they steered research contracts to Frost's
private company in exchange for his help with their degrees.
Both appealed the revocations. McInnis ruled in Faulkner's case
April 16. Potter's appeal is pending.
University attorney Alice Woody said the university feels McInnis'
ruling is proper but won't rescind Faulkner's degree until his
appeals are completed.
Faulkner could take his appeal to state court.
Frost, a distinguished professor who retired under a cloud of
suspicion a year ago, has said he did nothing wrong.
He said Faulkner and Potter had his permission to use his research
for their work, so it wasn't plagiarism.
But McInnis noted in his opinion that a dean and 37 faculty
members said it was plagiarism.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 11:17:06 CDT
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Movie Sequel
To: spaf
Seen in Entertainment Weekly:
They're already working on the sequel to "White Men Can't Jump."
It's called "Black Men Can't Bobsled."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 92 16:34:49 EDT
From: goldsman@cc.gatech.edu (Mike Goldsman)
Subject: no subject (file transmission)
To: yucks
Newsgroups: bit.listserv.new-list
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1992 09:03:18 CDT
From: Eng-Leong_Foo_MIRCEN-KI%MICFORUM@MICA.MIC.KI.SE
Subject: NEW LIST: DIARRHOE - Causes of Diarrhea in Humans and Animals
DIARRHOE on LISTSERV@SEARN
or LISTSERV@SEARN.SUNET.SE
DARRHOE is a mailing list for information exchange and discussions on
all aspects related to diseases, disorders, and chemicals which cause
diarrhoea in humans and animals.
To become a member send mail (or message on BITNET) to
listserv@searn (bitnet)
or listserv@searn.sunet.se (internet)
with the following command in the BODY:
SUBSCRIBE DIARRHOE your full name
To send messages to all other members of the group:
address your message to: diarrhoe@searn (bitnet)
or diarrhoe@searn.sunet.se (internet)
Owner:
Eng-leong Foo Karolinska Institute, Stockholm, Sweden
Unesco Microbial Resources Center & Dept of Bacteriology
email: eng-leong_foo_mircen-ki%micforum@mica.mic.ki.se
everyone has their own hobby I guess...
------------------------------
Date: 1 May 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: ajayshah@alhena.usc.edu (Ajay Shah)
Subject: One-liner
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
q: What is the difference between hardware and software?
a: Hardware gets faster, cheaper, smaller.
Software gets slower, costlier and bigger.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Apr 92 16:04:51 PDT
From: oleg@veritas.com (Oleg Kiselev)
Subject: PC phraseology (fwd)
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Forwarded message:
From: "The Rt. Rev. Wor. Dr. Y. Foo" <dryfoo@athena.mit.edu>
Subject: what to say
Date: Mon, 27 Apr 92 08:05:10 EDT
This list is making the rounds at MIT. If you have any questions,
please let me know.
Blunt Euphemism
----- ---------
old chronologically gifted
crippled differently-abled
dead metabolically challenged (formerly Necro-American)
ugly cosmetically oppressed
puny differently vertical
bald follicle-impaired
pre-pubescent legume-anorexic
asinine special
fatso person of mass
animal person of species
female person of gender
male vaginally challenged
grouchy other-mooded
tedious attentionally disabling
lost positionally challenged
unreal metaphysically problematic
slouch motivationally impaired
evil ethically alternative
stupid differently clued
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 1992 16:46:38 -0500
From: ibmpa!frord.austin.ibm.com!meo@ibminet.awdpa.ibm.com (Miles ONeal)
Subject: reds break treaty, invade nonpolitical newsgroup
To: spaf
comp.windows.x occasionally rivals talk.bizarre...
> Newsgroups: comp.windows.x
> Subject: Re: Indian Red
>
> >Why is such a racist color name still being used?
>...
> >What can be done about it?
>
> The server gets its color names from a text file database, usually
> /usr/lib/X11/rgb.txt. There are two programs, rgb and showrgb for
> creating and displaying this database. You can change any color name
> in the rgb.txt file and rerun the "rgb" program to recreate
> rgb.{dir,pag} which are the compiled databases used by the server.
> Then you can have "politically correct red" instead of "indian red".
------------------------------
Date: 04 May 92 16:09:00 EDT
From: <D.RHEE@CSI.compuserve.com>
Subject: Scientist Trading Card source?
To: <eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us>
Anybody know of an address or phone number to get the Scientist Trading
Cards mentioned below? They sound *WayCool*!
Anyone know if they've started up a Computer Scientist sub-series?
>From an article by Clara Germani in the April 27 Christian Science Monitor:
If baseball trading cards have captured the imaginations of generations of
American youth, helping to build superstardom for heroes of the country's
national pastime, what would happen if someone introduced ... well, scientist
trading cards.
Probably there would be no stampede of kids memorizing the atomic numbers in
the periodic table - instead of earned run averages - to bring U.S. math and
science test scores back into the world's top ranks.
But ... in a promotion aimed not at youth but at the media, to raise the
school's profile in research funding, the Oregon Graduate Institute of Science
and Technology last September issued a series of trading cards featuring faculty
members, explains Bob Applegate, director of public relations at the institute.
"It succeeded beyond our expectations," he says. "Our largest response was
unsolicited, from parents, teachers and kids, 9, 10, 11 and 12." More than 300
requests for the trading card series came from kids, parents and teachers.
The cards are the same size as baseball trading cards, but ... they feature
scientists like Bets Rasmussen, a chemist who studies elephant reproduction and
lists water skiing and scuba diving as hobbies; and Ronald Cole, a windsurfing,
espresso-drinking computer scientist who develops voice-operated computers.
Donovan Cahill, a 13-year-old from Beaverton, Ore., said he read about the
cards in a magazine and ordered them immediately. "I collect baseball cards
... These (science trading cards) are neat because they have lots more
information on them and you can compare them and read about them," says the
Oakland A's fan who wants to be a chemist when he grows up.
------------------------------
Date: 29 Apr 92 08:30:04 GMT
From: sdobson@red10.acpub.duke.edu (Shuford Dobson)
Subject: There is justice
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is a true story.
On October 13, 1944, the Durham (North Carolina) _Sun_ reported
that a citizen was brought up in traffic court for parking his car
on a restricted street right in front of a sign that read "No Stoping".
The defendant plead "not guilty". "Your Honor, I have not violated
the law. The sign prohibited stoping, and I have not stoped. Webster's
dictionary tells me that stoping means extracting ore from a stope, or,
loosely, underground. Your Honor, I am a law-abiding citizen, and I
didn't extract any ore from the area of the sign."
Judge Wilson responded, "This is Friday the 13th and anything can
happen. Case dismissed."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Apr 92 16:17:10 EDT
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: What else would one answer?
To: bob
> From: zaidel@muzungu.cis.upenn.edu (Martin J. Zaidel)
> Newsgroups: upenn.forsale
> Subject: "You Just Don't Understand"
>
> Are you a man or woman? Do you ever wonder why you have trouble
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
> communicating with members of the opposite sex? If you're
> interested in finding out why, join our Center City reading group
> as we tackle:
>
> "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation"
> by Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.
> Contact Martin Zaidel for details: zaidel@cis.upenn.edu, 898-0365.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 25 Apr 1992 01:31:21 -0400
From: Christopher Davis <ckd@eff.org>
Subject: What kind of Realtime Computing are they *doing* out there?
To: yucks
From: cdi@orion.oac.uci.edu (Concept Development)
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.announce
Subject: Realtime Computing Exhibition
Date: 23 Apr 92 23:41:00 GMT
Followup-To: comp.sys.sun.misc
Costa Mesa, Ca. Concept Development, Inc. announced today
the next in a continuing series of trade shows focused on
real-time computing.
The Real-time Computer Show expands to Washington and
Oregon!
Fifty leading manufacturers will exhibit their abilities
which include products and services uniquely associated with
real-time applications. The RTC show is sponsored by the
manufacturers to bring the most advanced technologies to
you.
[...]
Corporate Sponsors include:
[...]
Electronic Ass
[...]
Ready Systems
[...]
Videospection
[...]
Wind Rivers
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------