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Yucks Digest V2 #23 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 2 Apr 92 Volume 2 : Issue 23
Today's Topics:
Blondes? I thought it was Aggies.
cat named George, 3 way calling, speed calling 8, speakerphone (2 msgs)
Dancer Jailed For Sword Swing
FDA Seizes Bogus Tuna Cans
Four hundred volts through the return key, maybe?
FW: Windows Nation [a.k.a April tomfoolery]
Important date
Make it so...
McDonald's Miffed By McCondom
new QUISINIX implementation
Patents, patents, whose got the patents?
Pure German beer, smelly French cheese, are forever, says EC commissioner
Re: 386BSD
Running in Arctic Circles
Russian trademarks
Standard news items
Strange Ad [for yucks]
Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 02 Apr 92 08:09:31 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Blondes? I thought it was Aggies.
To: yucks
Speaking of blondes... I asked my standard 'Give an example
of deadlock in everyday life' question on the last OS exam. One answer
was: Four blondes at a four-way stop. The class and I decided after
some discussion that it was more a case of indefinite postponement.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 13:07:11 PST
From: eli@cisco.com
Subject: cat named George, 3 way calling, speed calling 8, speakerphone
To: spaf
[i would have sent this to PGN's Risks Digest,
but i live in abject fear of whatever puns he might have added.]
Occasionally over the past few months, I end up with a message
on my answering machine that consists of ringing and then someone
I know picking up the phone and saying "hello?, Hello?, HELLO?",
and then hanging up.
I think I have solved this problem by moving the speakerphone into
another room, one in which George does not walk on the tables.
(George is a female himalayan cat.)
The speakerphone button is next to the digit keys on the phone,
and the cat has been stepping on the phone, hitting both speakerphone
button and one touchtone, and then immediately hanging up the
speakerphone by standing on the button or jumping a little. I have 3
way calling so the phone rings back after a few seconds, since there
is a call "on hold". Answering machine picks up after a few rings and
records various annoyed relatives & friends.
I suppose I could also have solved this by switching to speed calling
30, since George T. Cat would then have to hit two touch tones to
make a call.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 23:06:01 PST
From: snahas@td2cad.intel.com (steven nahas)
Subject: cat named George, 3 way calling, speed calling 8, speakerphone
To: eli@cisco.com, spaf
quit pawing the blame on your kitty, and face fax, it's your flaky
friends! they call, hang up when they get your outgoing, and your
machine won't let them disconnect.
when they answer their ringing hung-up phone, it coincides temporally
with the recording of your answering machine, triggered by them initially.
H|:^F$,h ah [What he said <- --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 92 11:03:22 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Dancer Jailed For Sword Swing
To: yucks-request
AUSTIN, Texas (AP)
A ballet dancer cast in "Romeo and Juliet" was jailed for
practicing his thrusts and parries with a stage prop sword while
riding a unicycle on the street.
"A sword by any other name is still a sword," said police Lt.
Gerald Raines.
Edward Moffat, a member of Ballet Austin, was charged Sunday with
carrying a weapon. The offense carries up to a year in jail and a
$2,000 fine. He was freed on $900 bail in time for rehearsals Monday.
"Now, it's kind of funny. I can think back on it and laugh," he
said. "A lot of the inmates thought it was funny when they asked what
I was in there for."
Gary Bell, director of marketing at the ballet, said the sword is
metal but has a flattened tip and bends on impact. Moffat also was
carrying a stage-prop dagger.
Moffat said he is an avid unicyclist who often plays the heavy in
ballet productions.
"Last year, I killed six people on stage," he said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 92 11:05:03 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: FDA Seizes Bogus Tuna Cans
To: yucks-request
NEWARK, N.J. (AP)
Federal agents have seized 38,640 cans of cat food that had been
labeled tuna for human consumption.
The 6 1/2-ounce cans, confiscated Monday from a Teterboro
warehouse, were labeled Ocean King Chunk Light Tuna in Water but
instead contained decomposed tuna fit only for sale as pet food, the
Food and Drug Administration said.
Some of the cans were sold, the FDA said. The agency said all
canned foods are sterilized during processing, so it isn't dangerous.
"But who wants to eat decomposed cat food?" asked Lillian Aveta, an
FDA compliance monitor.
M. Chu, president of Ocean King in New York City, did not
immediately returns calls Monday.
The cans belonged originally to a lot of 25 million to 50 million
cans produced in 1985 at a cannery in St. Andrews, Canada, the FDA
said. The Canadian government closed the cannery because of
unsanitary conditions.
The tuna was supposed to be labeled 7th Heaven cat food in the
United States.
"But at some point, some cans were relabeled as tuna," Aveta said.
"We don't know yet how many, or when or by whom."
Some tuna labels were pasted on top of the cat food labels. The
decomposed tuna that was distributed was labeled under four brands
Ocean King, IGA, Blue Bay and National, the FDA said.
The investigation was prompted in July by complaints in Minnesota,
including one from Darlene La Musga of St. Paul, who opened a can and
took a bite.
"I went to pull off the label and I saw there was another label
underneath," she said. "It said ... 7th Heaven cat food. It gagged me
and I threw up in the wastebasket."
The affected cans carry a two-line product code; the fourth
character on the first line is a "v" and the second character on the
second line is a "t."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 92 16:48:42 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Four hundred volts through the return key, maybe?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Seen in alt.cd-rom, preceding a legitimate though rather tiresome
academic survey from some godforsaken BITNET site...
> E-Mail Conferencing User Survey
> ________________________________
>
> Dear E-mail Conference Participant:
>
> This message precedes a survey of E-mail conference participants. E-mail
> conferences are being established to fulfil perceived needs for
> professional information sharing between librarians. Our study will explore
> participation on e-mail conferences (who is participating) and question how
> e-mail conferences are fulfilling information needs and whether they are in
> fact replacing or enhancing traditional information sources.
>
> [ ... stuff deleted ...]
>
> Participation in this project is completely voluntary. Should you decide
> not to respond to the survey there will be no penalty of any kind. You may
> cease participation in the research at any time without penalty.
Glad to hear that last part. Had me worried there for a moment.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 12:19:08 PST
From: robkp@microsoft.com
Subject: FW: Windows Nation [a.k.a April tomfoolery]
To: basham@aio.jsc.nasa.gov, bobk@gibdo.engr.washington.edu, cate3.osbu_north@xerox.com, destryh@microsoft.com, diane_purser@qmrelay.mail.cornell.edu, ehd0343@ritvax.isc.rit.edu, elizach@microsoft.com, eric_kessel@mts.rpi.edu, frankm@panix.com, galperin@h
Many forwards deleted...
| In honor of the new Windows Flag above the corporate campus:
|
|
| The National Anthem
| of
| Windows Nation
|
| OLE can you C, by the fonts of TrueType,
| What so proudly we mailed to our users upgrading?
| Whose class libs and tool bars, through the marketing hype,
| Four meg RAM cards they'd bought, final beta awaiting.
| And the testers declare, fix the bugs on the share,
| Codeview'd every byte of our way cool software.
| Oh, say does that user friendly icon yet wave
| O'er the land of the GUI,
| and the Windows of the brave.
|
|
| copyright (c) 1992, Bogus Music
| lyrics, deanb
| inspiration, stevesh
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 1:12:18 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Important date
To: people
I *assume* everyone remembered the 28th was the 1st Anniversary
of my joining the Cycleauxns tribe as Mxyzptlk [1], and celebrated
appropriately - running around the house naked carrying a towel,
pouring tons of water on the furniture and carpet, and being
assaulted by various doors, windows, etc, stepping on nails, and
losing Venus flytraps. [Finding other peoples belongings in your
abode is optional.]
Because if you forgot, then this year, *you* get a visit from
Chief Cycleauxn...
-Miles Mxyzptlk O'Neal
[1] literally, "FDances With Tornados", what else?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 31 Mar 92 18:55:27 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Make it so...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The following appeared in the `Campuses Around The World' column in
the University of Western Ontario Gazette, for Thursday 12 March 1992.
The article is attributed to `The Sheaf'.
MAKE IT SO
She can't take much more!
The College of Engineering of University of Saskatchewan took
over its student union Annual General Meeting and ratified a
series of sci-fi amendments to the students' union constitution.
The students organization will now be known as The University
of Saskatchewan Starship Enterprise, and the president as Captain
James T. Kirk.
The students' council is also complete with Scotty, Bones and
Chekov.
The council's mandate now reads: `The USSE shall be
responsible to... all students attending the U of S in the
exploration of SPACE, the final fronteir. These are the voyages
of the Starship Enterprise. Its continuing mission...'
Engineering students show up `en masse' to the annual general
meeting to have their way, and usually do, since the meeting is
so poorly attended by all other faculties.
This year was no different.
The amendments are usually disregarded by the students'
council.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 92 11:06:06 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: McDonald's Miffed By McCondom
To: yucks-request
MONTREAL (AP)
The makers of the Big Mac want McCondoms to go -- away.
McDonald's filed a court appeal Monday seeking to block the sale
of the contraceptive by a Montreal store specializing in condoms.
The Oak Brook, Ill.-based fast food chain claims McCondoms violate
its trademark "McLanguage" covering more than 75 products such as
McRib, McCone or McKids.
McDonald's also claims the logo on the McCondom a stylized letter
M in yellow print is an illegal copy of its registered golden
arches, according to papers filed in Superior Court.
The store, La Capoterie, is named for "copote," the French slang
word for condoms.
No date has been set for a hearing on McDonald's request for an
injunction.
------------------------------
Date: 1 Apr 92 00:00:00 GMT
From: rsm@ai.ai.o (Richard S. Milkman)
Subject: new QUISINIX implementation
Newsgroups: gnu.announce
Free Food!
Starting this Thanksgiving I am going to cook a complete
Quisinix-compatible software system called GMU (for Gmu's MUslix),
and give it away free to everyone who can eat it. Contributions of
time, money, vegetables and livestock are greatly needed.
As the first member of the Free Software Farm, I intend to make
software edible by anyone. (I don't receive a celery from the FSF,
since that might cause a conflict of interests; I eat comfortably
by consulting Chinese restaurants).
I am distributing GMU in hopes that it will be useful, a breakfast
of champions, a feast for dining philosophers. Don't forget to look
for my great recipe, the GMU Mammifesto, in Dr. Cobb's Cookbook in
the near future. (Please don't ask when the recipe will be finished;
consult an oralcle instead.)
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 29 Mar 92 08:15:34 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Patents, patents, whose got the patents?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
U.S. Patent No. 5,076,287 to Johnson et al.
CONDUCTIVE CONDOM
An electrically conductive condom comprising a thin, protective sheath having
an open for receiving a penis therein and an opposite closed end, said sheath
being made from an elastic, electrically conductive material, which passes
electrical energy therethrough, for increasing sensitivity with respect to
adjacent nerve endings of at least one of a penis and a vagina of a human body.
The Figure is that of a condom with a conducting strap like that of a grounding
braid wrapped around the opening and continuing in a loop as if to be "strapped
on." Note that it says "at least one of a penis" meaning there could be more
than one(?).
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 26 Mar 92 12:13:18 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Pure German beer, smelly French cheese, are forever, says EC commissioner
To: yucks-request
BRUSSELS, March 26 (AFP) - Standardised mediocrity will never deprive the
European Community of pure German beer, smelly French cheeses or other
regional specialities, EC Industry Commissioner Martin Bangemann said here
Thursday.
Asked by journalists whether the EC's single market, to be launched next
year, would mean regulating regional specialities such as Camembert cheese out
of existence, he said: "That's nonsense. The contrary is true."
European gourmands are regularly horrified by reports that the single
market could impose uniform health or competition standards banning raw milk
in French cheese-making or stopping Germany from maintaining its beer purity
laws.
Prince Charles, heir to the British throne, struck a chord earlier this
month in Paris when he warned against the prospect of EC "bacteriological
police" stamping out traditional regional specialities in the name of hygiene.
But Bangemann repeated his reply to the prince, that such "recipe laws"
were out of the question and that health risks could be met by using labels to
identify products not conforming to general standards.
He added: "We have even allowed exotic challenges to taste in Britain."
This was a reference to proposals from the EC's bureaucracy that certain
additives be banned from British crisps -- which would have meant an end to
such flavours as "prawn cocktail", considered bizarre to the non-British
European.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 27 Mar 92 17:14:19 EST
From: jfw@ksr.com (John F. Woods)
Subject: Re: 386BSD
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>From @hayes.ims.alaska.edu:wisner@ims.alaska.edu Fri Mar 27 11:13:09 1992
> Umm, John...
> 386BSD is the free one that, apparently, isn't too stable yet.
> BSD/386 is the $995 one from BSDI.
Um, if you were correcting me, you haven't seen the GNU people complaining
about the Berkeley copyright. The Berkeley copyright is EVIL, you see, because
some EVIL SOFTWARE HOARDER could take a COPY of the source and HOARD it, which
means that even you YOU still have a copy, there's a copy you can't have, which
means your copy might as well be PROPRIETARY because you can do anything you want
with it; the GNU license is the only TRULY FREE license, because it MAKES you do
the RIGHT THING and WON'T LET you be EVIL. And if RMS could still reach the
shift key, I bet that's what his messages would look like.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 25 Mar 92 12:14:37 EST
From: "Joel B. Levin" <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: Running in Arctic Circles
To: spaf
>Those wacky Europeans are getting on the nerves of
>some Canadians. A couple of Frenchmen toured the
>Arctic not long ago by ultralight.
Is that what they call it when the sun is just peeking over the horizon
for weeks at a time? Or is it the illumination of the aurora overhead
during dead of winter?
/JBL (who usually prefers daylight for this sort of thing)
------------------------------
From: ysomin@ilya (Yefim Somin - Sun BOS Software)
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 15:43:28 EST
Subject: trademarks (from Russian net)
A Russian company, "Accept", registered its name with the Russian copyright
agency. Nevertheless, several more companies registered under the same name
afterwards. The original Accept filed a complaint with the agency named
Anti-monopoly Committee demanding a reversal of multiple registrations. The
complaint was rejected because all the subsequent "Accepts" registered
"legally". The original Accept then legally registered several subsidiaries:
"Toyota" (a trademark protection bureau), "Beatles" (artistic whistling
school), and "Anti-monopoly Committee" (a bra and pantyhose factory). The
former two to provoke an international scandal and publicity, the latter
simply because the trademark "Anti-monopoly Committee" had not been legally
registered by anybody.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 02 Apr 92 07:59:28 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Standard news items
To: yucks
The official China Daily newspaper reported in July that one puff from a
new cigarette created by the Design and Research Institute in Beijing can
stop a toothache in 10 seconds and prevent the pain from returning for a
year.
Science Magazine reported in July that Asteroid 1986DA, orbiting the sun,
might just be composed of 10,000 tons of gold and 100,000 tons of platinum.
The asteroid is about a mile wide and shaped like a canned ham. If the
suspicion is true, the asteroid is worth $1.12 trillion. Since it never
comes closer than 20 million miles to Earth, scientists are trying to find
ways to alter its orbit to bring it closer.
Scientists at the Marshall Space Flight Center in Huntsville, Ala., have
been conducting taste tests of recycled perspiration to use for human
hydration on long space flights. They collect sweat from volunteers who
have been forced to exercise vigorously.
McDonnell Douglas Corp., needing to demonstrate that 410 passengers could
be safely evacuated from its MD-11 jetliner as well as the normal 287 the
aircraft holds, conducted two tests in October in Los Angeles. Although
11 passengers were injured in the first test, the company proceeded with
the second test, which injured 36 more people, including one 60-year-old
woman who suffered a broken spine and is now paralyzed from the neck down.
Though most of the victims were McDonnell Douglas employees, the para-
lyzed woman was recruited from a senior citizens' organization (at $49
a head) to comply with the federal requirement that 15 percent of the test
passengers be over age 50. A company spokesman said the number of injuries
was "well within the FAA and company expectations."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Mar 92 23:18:03 BST
From: smith@canon.co.uk (Mark Smith)
Subject: Strange Ad [for yucks]
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
> Someone stuck this posted on the bulletin board in our kitchen. I have no
> idea where it came from. I assume it isn't "real."
>
> [ Picture of closed hand with field of stars as
> background and Sperry logo up in the corner. ]
> [etc]
Anti-Authoritarians Anonymous, PO Box 11331, Eugene OR 97440.
Send for a catalogue. Tell them Robert Anton Wilson sent you.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 1 Apr 92 10:21:43 PST
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City
To: spaf
Top Ten April Fool's Day Jokes In New York City
-----------------------------------------------
10. Super Glue an automatic weapon to curb and watch passerby try to pick it up.
9. Put fake vomit on sidewalk right next to real vomit.
8. Suicide hotline puts you on hold while playin Van Halen's "Jump".
7. Hold Wisconsin couple at gunpoint; demand their money and jewelry - then
give them back their jewelry.
6. Adding a tail to chalk body outlines.
5. Screaming, "The stock market is down!" then tossing life-sized dummy off
roof of building.
4. Instead of Mirand warning, cops say, "You have the right to commit crimes."
3. Putting a "kick me" sign on guy's back before you throw him in East River.
2. Cab drivers speak perfect English.
1. Crack dens replace regular crack that is usually smoked there with Folgers
Crystals.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------