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Yucks Digest V2 #22 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 24 Mar 92 Volume 2 : Issue 22
Today's Topics:
"UH-HUH!"
??
Amorous Cats and Laser Printers
An idea like this could revolutionize politics!
A sad state of affairs, indeed!
a wee little alpha
Credit worthiness....
cutie
Date: Sun, 22 Mar 92 06:07:09 -0800
IBM acro-names
Opera Winfry [sic]
really really really big primes
Running in Arctic Circles
Self fulfilling prophecies
straight A's
Unix vs. US Govt
white goo
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Mar 92 13:57:25 EST
From: "Shawn Ostermann" <sdo>
Subject: "UH-HUH!"
To: spaf
I just noted on the side of my Taco Bell cup that:
"
'DIET PEPSI',
'YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY, UH-HUH!', and
'UH-HUH!'
are registerd trademarks of PepsiCo, Inc.
"
In addition to the obvious legal ramifications on everyday
conversations, that could be a real problem for the FSF folks:
ksh> /usr/local/gnu/diff -s /etc/motd /etc/motd
UH-HUH!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 92 17:10:30 EST
From: goldsman@cc.gatech.edu (Michael G. Goldsman)
Subject: ??
To: yucks
(From a USA-today newgroup)
WOMAN FOUND DEAD ON BALCONY:
An 84-year-old woman sat for two months on her balcony in the
Stockholm suburb of Traneberg before a neighbor discovered she was
dead, Swedish police said. The woman may have died while watching
fireworks from her apartment on New Year's Eve. The woman was
found sitting on a chair on her balcony, dressed in a coat and
hat. Her forehead was leaning against the railing.
[?? is right.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 6 Mar 1992 09:37:07 -0500
From: wolf@BBN.COM (Jerry Wolf)
Subject: Amorous Cats and Laser Printers
Newsgroups: bbn.bboard
Honest to God, this is verbatim from a newsletter from a computer
retailer in Los Gatos, Cal.
"We have had a run on laser printers in our service department where
cats have done major damage. We do not know if it is a case of cats
falling in love with laser printers or if they are angry at them or they
are just doing what comes naturally. In any case, these printers come
in with major quantities of cat urine deposited inside the printers.
This shorts out the high voltage wires and creates a somewhat
undesirable odor in addition to physical damage to the printer. So make
sure your printer is covered if your amorous cat is around."
[Sounds like a case for one of those magic items to protect the
printer, mentioned in a previous Yucks digest. But would it work
against black cats? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 92 12:26:10 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: An idea like this could revolutionize politics!
To: yucks-request
Candidate offers free sex to win votes
BANGKOK, March 19 (AFP) - A Thai politician, desperate for support in
Sunday's election, is offering free sex in exchange for votes.
The sex-for-votes scandal, in Ratchaburi province, southwest of Bangkok,
was revealed by Thailand's Pollwatch election monitoring committee Friday.
A Pollwatch committee official said they had found evidence that a
candidate from one leading party had given money to a supporter known to be a
major owner of brothels in the province.
The supporter has thrown open the doors of his bordellos and is offering
free sex to customers who agree to vote for the candidiate, the Pollwatch
official said.
"Our volunteers in the area have been watching the case closely and have
reported it to the authorities concerned for further investigation," said the
official, who asked not to be named.
Despite vigorous attempts to clean up Thai politics, vote-buying is still
rampant, especially upcountry.
Since the Pollwatch committee, made up mostly of lawyers and academics,
was established candidates have come up with new and more subtle tactics of
ensuring support at the ballot box.
"This sex-for-votes scam is really stunning. It's a far cry from the old
days when candidates gave away shoes or dried fish to buy votes," the
Pollwatch official said.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 92 21:54:51 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: A sad state of affairs, indeed!
To: yucks-request
---
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 92 15:29:26 EST
To: tcp-ip@nic.ddn.mil
Subject: Please release me, let me go
I got onto this bulletin board, I don't remember how,
it isn't what I thought it was, and I would like to get off, please.
Thanks and apologies,
____________________________
| Bob Ralls |
| Library of Congress, CDS |
| Washington, D.C. 20541 |
| voice: (202) 707-1356 |
| fax: (202) 707-1334 |
|__________________________|
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 92 22:48:38 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: a wee little alpha
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Tom Knight noted:
|
|Either Switzerland has gotten even smaller than I remember, or this
|sales-droid needs very much improved glasses. If we expand a 13 x 16
|mm die to 13 x 16 Km (let alone Switzerland) we end up with 1 micron
|devices measuring a meter. Even I can see those.
What Tom fails to realize is that DEC, in a move to corner the
market amongst eco-freaks, has developed the alpha using microns
which are very much smaller than normal, thus allowing many
more transistors to be etched from a single sand atom.
DEC uses only heavy sand (collected from White Sands National
Monument, NM, where it is secretly dropped at night by the
Alamogordo Waste Disposal Unit), which includes electrons of
every color in the spectrum, hence the white color.
While the USA is the only known source for Sa492 (white, or
heavy, sand), only the Soviets have the technology to form
transistors of sub-mini-micro-micron size. They use technology
bought from a the Japanese, intended for submarine propellor
milling.
DEC is currently working on an entire computer system built
to the same scale. Tandy has contracted to build humans small
enough to use it.
------------------------------
From: aibjh@aisb.ed.ac.uk (Brian Horisk)
Newsgroups: eduni.general
Subject: Credit worthiness....
Date: 20 Mar 92 00:38:16 GMT
My flat-mate got a bank-statement the other day showing charges of 33
quid. Not having been overdrawn (and supposedly having free banking as
a student) he wrote to the bank to complain, and got the reply today.
What the bank had done was drawn a cheque on his account for $5.46, but
whoever keyed it in made a slight mistake, and actually entered
$5,460,000!! They corrected their mistake the next day, but one day's
interest on 5 and a half mil is apparently $15,000. They then charged
this to his account. Realising their mistake again, they replaced it
again the next day, but one days interest on $15,000 was (guess what)
$33.....which they charged him.
They've now refunded his money, but isn't it comforting to know that if
your average student writes a cheque for $5.5mil the friendly Bank of
Scotland will cash it without quibble.....
[But they'll probably cash it in those funny Scottish pound notes that
no one else in Europe will accept. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 24 Mar 92 04:38:19 EST (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: ihps3!harpo!seismo!rocheste!bukys
>From "National Review," June 25, 1982:
* In an apparent effort to placate World Opinion and
project a more moderate image, the Soviet Union has
named the head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, 67, as
"Tsarytsyn," or heir apparent, to the throne of Tsar
Leonid I.
* The Tsarytsyn was asked by reporters what his pol-
icy would be toward Soviet dissidents. "Tseasy, I take
zem on top KGB building," said Yuri, "Andropov."
------------------------------
From: Doug Faunt N6TQS 415-688-8269 <faunt@cisco.com>
Message-Id: <9203221407.AA01948@dirt.cisco.com>
To: tcp-ip@nic.ddn.mil
Subject: TCP/IP on computers with tubes
Has TCP/IP ever run on a computer built primarily using tube circuits?
[I hope not! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 92 17:00:29 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: IBM acro-names
To: bob
From PUCC Senior Staff Meeting minutes, IBM section:
> IBM level 2 support finally put us in touch with the BookManager
> development group. They expressed some interest in our problem
> displaying '[' and ']' and asked for a GDDM trace. A 1.5 meg GDDM
> trace dump was written to tape and sent off to Bethesda, MD.
One can only imagine what "GDDM" stands for, though something obvious
comes to mind. Frankly, I wish they'd send them the GDDM machine along with
the GDDM trace sometime. It's a GDDM shame they don't run UNIX on it. :-)
------------------------------
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Rich Kulawiec)
Subject: Opera Winfry [sic]
Newsgroups: alt.personals
To: yucks-request
In article <p6qm6INNlc1@agate.berkeley.edu> ap.4453@layout.Berkeley.EDU writes:
>Did any one watch the Opera Winfry show today? It was about women who
>were shy, and these other women that could go out and grab their man.
Ah, yes, the Opera Winfry, written by Vispucci de Lerrago in 1832, but
not performed until recently by the somewhat avant-garde Dayton
Symphony and Chorus. The entire libretto is too long to reproduce
here, of course, but notable musical excerpts include the Act I's
rousing overture "She's Big/She's Small/She's Big" and the touching
"Where is Geraldo? (Lost! In Chicago! In the Cellar! Again!)", which
is remarkable in that it is one of the few operatic works whose score
includes parts for pneumatic hammers. Act II features two pieces for
unmixed chorus (bored college students, bored third-shift workers,
bored homemakers) but is usually omitted from live performances because
the audience tends to spend the entire act seaching frantically for
their remote controls so that they can hit the "mute" button. Act III
opens with the sinister "If You Stumble, We'll Be There...to Step Over
You" featuring the characters of Phil, Cathy Lee, Maury, Sally Jesse
and Merv the Undead, but ends on a high note with the triumphal (and
surprisingly Teutonic) "Winfry Uber Alles" anthem.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 17 Mar 92 13:58:59 -0500
From: bzs@world.std.com (Barry Shein)
Subject: really really really big primes
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
There's a good article in this past week's (oh I better look it up,
recent anyhow) New Yorker about these two (credible) lunatics in New
York City who have built a super-computer in their apartment (more
like turned their apt into a super-computer) and are trying to
calculate two billion digits of pi (I haven't finished the article,
perhaps they succeed.)
The two brothers held the world's record for a while, using a Cray, a
billion or so digits.
Their current home-brew supercomputer is basically an amalgam of
mail-order PC parts and a custom designed backplane switch (it sounds
reminiscent of the BBN Butterfly if anyone knows that one) and they
claim they're currently around the performance of a Cray YMP-8, and
growing if their landlord doesn't throw them out for sucking down a
few kilowatts when the thing is running (the good news is that they
claim to never need to turn the heat on.)
The article is also a great little story about the life of pi, the
author basically understands what he's reporting on which is unusual
for a topic like this.
The author even explores reasons as to why one might try to do this,
or even become obsessed with it as these fellows seem to be.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 20 Mar 92 23:20:28 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Running in Arctic Circles
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Those wacky Europeans are getting on the nerves of
some Canadians. A couple of Frenchmen toured the
Arctic not long ago by ultralight. Some others
did it by horseback (the horses lived, but lost
about 200 pounds each in the process). Now some
Brits want to tackle the tundra in four-wheel
drives. (Where's the sport in that? Now Caddies
would be a challenge.)
Perhaps we should get a rollerblade caravan
together?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 24 Mar 92 17:37:21 CST
From: Jon Loeliger <loeliger@bach.convex.com>
Subject: Self fulfilling prophecies
To: bob
Well, I just *had* to relate this little incident with other people.
Last Saturday while I wasn't home, the US Postal Service tried to
deliver a parcel to me that required a Return Receipt to prove that
I received it. I wasn't home to sign for it, so they dutifully
left a message in my box stating that I should come to the post
office and pick it up myself. Fair enough.
So, on Monday I trundled over to Zip 75075 and asked for my package.
Naturally, after about a 30 minute search, they couldn't find it.
It's been lost. Good thing there is a Return Receipt needed to prove
it wasn't delivered and I *didn't* get it after all..
I'd have that parcel today if I didn't have to prove I had it.
Does Heisenberg have something to say about Postal Deliveries as well?
------------------------------
Date: 18 Mar 92 11:58:08 GMT
From: jstreidl@cmcvx1.claremont.edu
Subject: straight A's
Newsgroups: alt.sex.bestiality,alt.security,alt.sex,alt.sex.bondage
Do you want to get STRAIGHT A'S in college? If so, E-mail your
address to me so I can send you information.
[The newsgroups chosen for this particular post have generated no
small amount of bemusement and inquiry. Straight A's in what courses,
we wonder? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 21 Mar 92 00:30:05 GMT
From: lee@puck.mport.com
Subject: Unix vs. US Govt
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
It occurred to me a while ago that Unix is much like the U.S. Government:
A long time ago, a few brilliant men created a system that empowered its
users, gave them freedom, and provided a few essential services.
Now it is old, slow, easily corrupted, overly restrictive, too large and
confusing for anyone to understand, plagued with inconsistencies, and
run by men who only care about money.
------------------------------
From: dabbott@augean.eleceng.adelaide.edu.AU (Derek Abbott)
Newsgroups: sci.med
Subject: Technical terms wanted for white goo
Date: 23 Mar 92 06:53:41 GMT
I'm interested to find out the proper medical/technical words for the
following forms of white gooey stuff that we find on our bodies:
(i) The white goo that comes out of the pores of your nose, when you squeeze it
(ii) The white goo that collects between your toes
(iii) The white goo on your teeth, by the crease of your gums
(iv) The white goo when you pop a black head
(vi) The white goo when you pop a white head
(vii) The white goo under your foreskin
(viii) The white goo in the corner of your eye, when you wake up
(ix) The white goo in your eye when you get conjunctivitis
(x) The white goo when you scrape your tongue
BTW, did I miss out any interesting alternatives?
[Obviously, someone with too much time on his hands. And he should
definitely wash them. --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------