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Yucks Digest V2 #16 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 7 Mar 92 Volume 2 : Issue 16
Today's Topics:
A funny for Yucks
Cops: Transvestites Raid Shops
Dead Hunter's Ashes Get A Shotgun Funeral
Farmer Journal, Feb 1992, page 4
FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans...
Lamb Born With Six Legs
license plate
Man Guilty Of Using Witchcraft
Organic paint's bad smell sours Berkeley user (Yucks submission)
Scientists Write Wrong Primate
Since you asked...
Trouble in Triplicate
Virus makes bank computers sing
Why I love the Japanese
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 02 Mar 92 14:52:07 EST
From: Kathy Heaphy <HEAPHY@VM.CC.PURDUE.EDU>
Subject: A funny for Yucks
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
This appeared in our department's internal newsletter, and was
not attributed:
"The following translations have been extracted from what shall remain
an uncited ag econ newsletter. They are presented in the interest of
helping faculty and graduate students to develop a deeper appreciation
for the subtleties of the presentation of research results in the
literature of their profession. `Typical results are shown' really
means `the best results are shown'; `further research is needed'
really means `I didn't take the time to find out'; `correct within
an order of magnitude' really means `wrong'; and `it is to be hoped
that this work will stimulate further work in the field' really means
`this paper is not very good, but neither are any of the others on
this miserable subject.' "
This certainly holds true for some of the technical papers I've run
across during my nearly two-year tenure as a tech writer/editor in
my department!
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 3 Mar 92 17:10:46 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Cops: Transvestites Raid Shops
To: yucks-request
PHILADELPHIA (AP)
Police have arrested three men suspected of raiding at least four
boutiques at gunpoint in search of upscale women's clothing and
officers say a network run by transvestites may be involved.
Within the last four months, shops in New York, New Jersey,
Maryland and Philadelphia have reported thefts of their most
exclusive merchandise, including clothing designed by Chanel, Giorgio
Armani and Yves St. Laurent.
Three men, one dressed in women's clothing, raided the Toby Lerner
boutique on Jan. 8, tied up three employees at gunpoint and made off
with about $25,000 in merchandise, police said.
"They took only the best," said police spokesman Robert Young.
The suspects were arrested Jan. 29 in the Washington suburb of
Chevy Chase, Md., while attempting to rob a recently opened Gianni
Versace boutique, police said.
The three have been linked to fashion crimes dating back to
December, police said.
"They probably have an underground boutique or some such avenue of
selling the clothes," Montgomery County police Detective Lauren
Acquaviva told The Philadelphia Inquirer. "We heard there is such an
underground network that caters to the (transvestite) community."
Bryan Keith Chandler, 24, of Santa Monica, Calif.; Christopher
Darnell Hall, 31, of Orlando, Fla.; and Dana Dubose, 19, of
Oceanside, Calif., were charged with armed robbery, false
imprisonment and assault and robbery. They were being held without
bond in Rockville, Md. Authorities in Philadelphia planned to seek
extradition.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 92 17:09:44 +0100
From: Kees Huyser <keeshu@paramount.nikhefk.nikhef.nl>
Subject: DEAD HUNTER'S ASHES GET A SHOTGUN FUNERAL
To: spaf
Found in rec.guns:
Des Moines, Iowa -- The way Jay Knudsen sees it, the ashes of dead
hunters don't belong in urns on the mantel.
So, for about the cost of a funeral and sometimes a lot less, he'll
take the ashes to the sportsman's favorite marsh or bear country and
blast them to smithereens.
"We can't get you to heaven," he advertises. "But we promise to land
you in the happy hunting ground."
A landscaper by trade, Mr. Knudsen has an off-season service for the
survivors of dedicated hunters. He loads ashes into shotgun shells,
performs whatever ritual the family wishes and then blasts away.
"This is not a morbid thing, to shoot ol' Joe down the barrel of a
shotgun in an area he loved to hunt," said Mr. Knudsen, 50.
"We've had people think it was strange, but when they realize that
we've been dropping ashes from airplanes for ages, they say, 'Wait a
minute, it's just another form of that.'"
Shotgun funerals aren't the only ceremonies he performs.
"We just had a lady send us her father's ashes from Missouri to put in
golf clubs," he said.
"There's no end to this. You could put ashes into lures for fishermen,
duck decoys for hunters, that sort of thing. One of hte things that
has been popular is to do this with ashes of the hunter's gun dog. A
hunter gets pretty close to his gun dog."
Mr. Knudsen said he has had about a dozen and a half customers since
his first ad ran in the September-October issue of the magazine
Sporting Classics. He said he has recieved hundreds of calls and
letters.
"One lady says she can't stand the sight of an urn sitting on the
mantel and that her husband would like nothing better than being in a
duck decoy," he said.
------------------------------
Date: 5 Mar 92 14:58:00 GMT
From: svb@cs.purdue.EDU (Stephan Bechtolsheim)
Subject: Farmer Journal, Feb 1992, page 4
Newsgroups: comp.sys.sun.admin,purdue.cs
A letter to the editor starts in above journal starts as follows:
While I agree with the need for more
research and promotion, I have
major reservations with the implementation
of SPARC (Soybean Promotion and
Research Checkoff). I do not
believe a child should go without
needed medical attention to promote a
comodity. .....
If it were April 1, you probably would think I am joking.
I am NOT.
------------------------------
Date: Thursday, February 27, 1992 03:56PM
From: Terry Zmrhal
Subject: FW: Top Ten Rejected Slogans...
To: Social alias for interns
Top Ten Rejected Slogans for the IBM/Apple Joint Venture:
10. What we lack in talent, we make up in size.
9. Middle-aged white men in suits.
8. Mediocrity is us.
7. The power to be our best and sue the rest.
6. He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
5. Why 1984 won't be "1984": it'll be 1992.
4. Making it all make money.
3. We don't like you, Bill.
2. Ours isn't Micro and our isn't Soft.
1. Setting a new standard in vaporware.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Mar 92 19:19:15 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Lamb Born With Six Legs
To: yucks-request
LEIGH, Neb. (AP)
A lamb born two weeks ago was named Six Pack not because of any
fondness for the bottle, but as a simple description.
The lamb has six legs.
Deb Svehla, who cares for her brother's lambs on their farm 80
miles northwest of Omaha, said the female lamb was "pretty weak at
first" and it wasn't clear whether it would live.
But now, she said, Six Pack continues to get healthier.
"When it's feeding time, it's right there at the fence," Svehla
said.
The extra legs, which dangle from Six Pack's chest, don't seem to
bother the lamb too much, Svehla said. She said the extra legs are
complete with hooves and appear to be as full grown as the legs the
lamb uses.
David Baumert, a veterinarian who examined the lamb, said the legs
probably should be amputated if the lamb is going to be marketed. He
said the extra legs probably don't have nerve or muscle and could
drag on the ground, making it less capable of caring for itself in a
feedlot environment.
But if Six Pack is to be cared for as a pet, the extra legs don't
pose as much of a problem, Baumert said. He said the extra legs
probably resulted from an extra cell division during gestation, not
from a genetic flaw.
Svehla said the family hasn't decided whether to spare the lamb
from the market.
"We don't really know yet what would be best for the lamb," she
said.
[Mint sauce. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 2 Mar 92 13:10:12 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: license plate
To: spaf
>> From: north@ulysses.att.com
>> Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 12:57:56 EST
>> Subject: license plate seen on I-287
>>
>> SU ROOT
[Someone used to have one of these at Georgia Tech about 5 years ago, too.
I seem to recall someone else on this list had an Illinois version
of the same, too.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Mar 92 13:32:27 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Man Guilty Of Using Witchcraft
To: yucks-request
SALEM, Mass. (AP)
A man accused of using witchcraft to bilk an heiress of more than
$500,000 was convicted Thursday of larceny and perjury.
A jury deliberated more than five hours over two days before
returning the verdicts this morning against Richard Leno, 46, of
North Andover. Sentencing was set for March 19; he could face up to
15 years.
Leno was charged with one count of larceny and two counts of
perjury for defrauding Susan Rogers Panagakos, 36, of her inheritance
in the early 1980s.
"She is a simple, innocent person who was taken advantage of by a
scheming, manipulating, controlling man," said David Swartz,
assistant Essex County district attorney.
Authorities accused Leno of carrying out the crime with a series
of bizarre deeds, including branding the woman's breast with his
initial to show his dominance over her. Ms. Panagakos had an interest
in the occult, officials said.
In his closing argument, defense attorney Robert P. Deveau said
the state's evidence was spotty and inconsistent. Leno contended the
money that Ms. Panagakos had given him was a loan and it was repaid.
Deveau cited a handwriting expert who testified that checks,
receipts and other written material that indicated that the loan was
repaid were authentic. The prosecution said they were forged.
Swartz read Leno's testimony before a grand jury in 1987 in which
Leno testified under oath that he had never used funds entrusted to
him by Panagakos and had never had a joint account with her.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Feb 92 09:50:20 PST
From: Don Bennett (408)922-2768 <dpb@frame.com>
Subject: Organic paint's bad smell sours Berkeley user (Yucks submission)
To: spaf
BERKELEY - As an avid environmentalist, Councilwoman Nancy Skinner
thought an all-natural, milk-based house paint would make her home the
picture of ecolgical correctness.
Then the paint went bad, and Skinner soured on the product.
"It smelled like really bad compost and body odor all mixed up
together. It's like about 20 guys were in a room who hadn't taken
showers for weeks," she told the Oakland Tribune.
Skinner said the paint smelled, uh, organic when she opened the cans
over the Thanksgiving holiday, but she thought that was to be
expected.
The odor worsened after the paint dried, forcing Skinner and her
daughter to throw away clothes and books and flee their home.
Skinner then hired a contractor to tear out the old walls and paint
once again - this time with standard synthetic-based paint.
The Skinners report they now are waiting for the place to air out.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 1 Mar 92 21:41:01 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Scientists Write Wrong Primate
To: yucks-request
MILWAUKEE (AP)
Archbishop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but he's
not the kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind.
The University of Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center
sent Cram, primate of the Anglican Church of Canada, a questionnaire
while preparing an international directory of primatology.
The envelope was addressed to "George Cram, Primates World Relief
and Development Fund, Toronto, Canada."
The Rev. Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior archbishop,
suggested in a letter of reply that "primates in your study are
perhaps of a different species."
"While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I
have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch
himself publicly under the armpits," Ingham said.
"There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he
said. "They are all males, of course, but so far we have had no
problems of reproduction."
The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the
church from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham: "In
our zeal to develop a comprehensive directory, we have strayed on
this occasion from the arboreal to the spiritual."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Feb 92 11:28:03 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Since you asked...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
On 2/10/92, you allegedly write:
> From: hacker@tumbler-ridge.caltech.edu (Jon Hacker)
> Subject: /dev/null full
>
> Our sun sparc 1+ SunOS 4.1 OW2.0 started running very slowly. When
> I logged out I got the message /dev/null full: empty bit bucket.
>
> What does this mean? It seems to be running fine after a reboot
> but I am wondering if only the sympton is cured.
>
>Jon Hacker
>MMIC Group, EE
>Caltech, Pasadena CA
The problem is that null is full. Your void space is no longer void,
it's full up.
THE TOP TEN WAYS TO EMPTY AN OVERFLOWING BIT BUCKET:
10) Open the computer up. Look for the bit bucket, find the RED stopper
at the bottom of it and open it up OVER a LARGE trashcan.
9) Stop using the computer for 6 months, let the bits compost and
continue.
8) Take the ethernet terminator off, and "cat /dev/null > le0". This
spits the bits into the ether.
7) When you write to /dev/null, the 0's don't take up any space, but
the one's do. Try writing a file full of 0's to /dev/null
(binary 0, NOT ASCII 0 - ASCII 0 will start overfilling the partition).
6) This is a common problem _only_ if you use the computer. If you stop
using it, it won't have many problems as all. Kick the other users off
too.
5) If you use lots of C programs, they have Null terminated strings that
use up the bits in /dev/null.
4) Bring the computer to Mr. Goodwrench, he will drain the bit bucket,
change the oil and add windshield fluid, all in less than 29 minutes.
Now that's a deal.
3) Consider upgrading to a byte bucket or even a word bucket.
2) Since your already using Open Windows, open a window and toss the
useless bits out the open window.
1) Stop using the game "fortune" in your .logout script, Mr "Hacker".
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 92 15:22:43 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Trouble in Triplicate
To: spaf
>From: todd@ftp.com (Todd Prior)
I was bored last week and a thought occured to me. Why is it that there is a
government bureau which oversees alcohol, tobacco, and firearms? I was bored
enough to call up the regional office of said bureau... I asked the man who
answered the phone "What wine goes best with an M-16?" He did his best to be
helpful, however. "That depends. What are you smoking?"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 16:57:06 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Virus makes bank computers sing
To: yucks-request
BUDAPEST, Feb 29 (AFP) - Computers at Hungary's National Bank (HNB)
started playing tunes after a virus contaminated the computer system, the
daily Nepszabadsag reported Saturday.
But the virus caused no financial losses, did not damage programs or data
bases and monetary operations remained normal, Nepszabadsag said.
The bank was installing new virus-detecting programs following the
incident on Tuesday.
[What tune were they playing? "Pennies from Heaven"? "I'm in the Money"?
"Whistle While You Work"? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Feb 92 14:02:06 -0500
From: <mangled by yucks-software>
Subject: Why I love the Japanese
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
>From the back of Gakken's LCD Backgammon game...
``GAKKEN LCD BACKGAMMON is played by one or two players. Before a
game starts, put the game board between two players facing each other
and arrenge[sic] white/black men on the board. Following to fix the
attacking order, cast two dice in turn and move their respective men
abiding by pips. Thus and so, the player who has first borne off
one's all 15 men is victor. When pass each other as white and black
men are moved each opposite direction, the player has much thrills
which can only be experienced by BACKGAMMON. And moreover the men are
controled[sic] by not only one's brains but also one's luck, as the
men should be moved by pips of two dice.''
It is significant that someone thought this text important enough to
print on a label and adhere to the back of the game, so that it would
be INSTANTLY available...
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------