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Yucks Digest V2 #15 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 23 Feb 92 Volume 2 : Issue 15
Today's Topics:
_Bushusuru_
Apartment for summer sublet
cutie
Death and Taxes...
IBM fears
jailbirds Audubon never painted
JOTD
Judge Jails Lawyer Over Monkey
OK, take your tape drive and shove it!
Quest for cleanest Paris toilets yields mixed results
Roadkills-R-Us misses an opportunity
Self-referential call for papers? (from news.anounce.conferences)
Tales of Unachieved Grandeur
Truth is stranger than fiction
You're so Vain
You know you're old when...
yucks submission
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Mon, 3 Feb 92 12:24:37 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: _Bushusuru_
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
On the front page of today's San Jose Mercury News there's an article
on a new word that has entered the Japanese vocabulary. The article
is entitled - "Bush left upheaval in Japanese vocabulary".
The new word is _Bushusuru_: to do a Bush. The usage is as follows:
man in trench coat (pointing to sidewalk): "Abunai yo!"
(Hey, watch out!)
man in dark suit (looking down): "Jaa, dare ga
Bushushita, ne!" (Jeez, somebody did a Bush,
didn't they!)
There's even a trained-monkey act where when the animal hears the word
_Bushusuru_ it imitates the act that the old Pres did onto Japanese Prime
Minister Kiichi Miyazawa's lap.
------------------------------
Date: 21 Feb 92 16:48:02 GMT
From: patb@tcom.stc.co.uk (Patrick Brosnan)
Subject: Apartment for summer sublet
Newsgroups: rec.travel,misc.misc,news.misc,tor.general,alt.alien.visitors,tor.news,soc.college.gradinfo,ut.dcs.gradnews
In article <92Feb20.111306est.8702@orasis.vis.toronto.edu> eyal@vis.toronto.edu writes:
>********** APARTMENT FOR SUMMER SUBLET **********
What's this doing in "alt.alien.visitors" ? Perhaps you want to give the aliens
a little summer vacation from what is probably a very Spartan system of
underground tunnels ?
Sorry. Couldn't resist.
------------------------------
Date: 6 Feb 92 04:35:31 EST (Thu)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by:: ihps3!houxi!npois!npoiv!harpo!decvax!microsof!fluke!vax1:witters
There was a conference in Europe attended by representatives of several nations.
Each representative gave a short talk. The Swiss representative introduced
himself before his talk as the Minister of the Swiss Navy. This got some
chuckles from the audience because Switzerland is landlocked. He then asked
"What is so funny? I understand Italy has a Minister of Finance!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 01 Feb 1992 15:04:00 EST
From: mckay!dwight@ecn.purdue.edu (Dwight McKay)
Subject: Death and Taxes...
To: bob
>From Wednesday's (1/29) WSJ:
The widow of a man who had been a client of Harah, Kamerow & Associates,
CPAs, Rockville, MDd., filed a return for her late husband in 1991. Here are
excerpts from a letter addresses to the dead man by the IRS's Taxpayer
Assistance Section in Atlanta: "We are processing your gift tax return, Form
709, for calendar year 1990 and find we need more information. Please
provide your date of death.
"...If we do not hear from you, your account may reflect incomplete or
incorrect information. ...If you have nay questions about this letter, ...you
may call the IRS telephone number list in your local directory ..., but the
office at the address shown on this letter is most familiar with your case.
...We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you, and thank you
for your cooperation."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 1992 13:41:13 EST
From: mha@baka.ithaca.ny.us (Mark Anbinder)
Subject: IBM fears
Passed along without permission... today's mindless amusement:
SUBJECT: LOOKS LIKE IBM CORP IS HAVING ITS WORST FEARS ABOUT GETTING SO
DEEPLY INTO BED<>
SOURCE: Computergram via First! by INDIVIDUAL, Inc.
DATE: January 30, 1992
INDEX: [11]
Computergram via First! -- Looks like IBM Corp is having its
worst fears about getting so deeply into bed with West Coast
tecchies realised at an early stage in the relationship: according
to Systems & Network Integration, not much work is being done at
IBM and Apple Computer Inc Taligent joint venture - the paper
reveals that most of the Apple programmers have been spotted down
at the local toy store and were buying up toy guns that shoot
penny-sized plastic disks.
Anybody who can't simultaneously juggle, execute a successful
tracer-gun commando raid on the Testing group, AND write a better OS
than DOS/Windows with one hand tied behind his/her back has NO place at
Taligent. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 92 11:29:22 CST
From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor))
Subject: jailbirds Audubon never painted
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
|(From Sacramento Bee, Jan 26, 1992)
|
|VICTORVILLE - A man who admitted he killed, barbecued, and ate his
|neighbor's dog was sentenced to serve three years in prison for animal
|cruelty.
My first recation is to wonder what the fine would be in Sacramento
for doing the same thing to your neighbor instead of their pet. I
have the distinct suspicion it depends upon whether the neighbor
is politically correct or not. For instance, had the neighbor been
a fundamentalist, Vera would probably have been given the key to
the city.
Vera got off quite easy. Had this been San Jose, the police would
have put up signs after the fact, indicating barbecues were not
allowed that day, and impounded his grill or barbecue pit.
My next thought was that it would seem that only the manner of death
should be considered for animal cruelty. But I suppose it depends
upon whether the animal's wife & family were forced to watch the
barbecue and dinner, whether they were allowed to partake, etc.
And were they politically correct as well?
Finally, I have it on good authority the true reason behind the
jail sentence was that Vera was not a member of the Amalgamated
Dog Slaughterers, Barbecuers and Consumers union.
[yes, I've been to California twice recently - does it show?]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Feb 92 18:56:40 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike.
Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands
are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the
picket signs.
-- Jay Leno
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Feb 92 17:34:35 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Judge Jails Lawyer Over Monkey
To: yucks-request
PLANTATION KEY, Fla. (AP)
An attorney already in trouble with a judge showed up for a
contempt hearing with his pet monkey, saying the animal is diabetic
and couldn't be left alone.
The judge sent lawyer Kayo Morgan to jail.
"My description of his prior conduct as bizarre was confirmed when
he arrived in my court with a diabetic monkey," said Judge Reagan
Ptomey.
Ptomey had cited Morgan for contempt Feb. 12 for erupting in court
during a delay in a drunken driving case.
At the contempt hearing Thursday, Morgan propped the diapered
monkey on his shoulder while questioning a witness.
The judge sentenced Morgan to three weeks in jail for the
contempt. Morgan surrendered Friday and was freed on bond while he
appeals.
Messages left Saturday at the offices of Morgan and his attorney,
Craig Satchell, weren't immediately returned.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 10 Dec 91 12:32:26 -0800
Subject: OK, take your tape drive and shove it!
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From a signature line:
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
| Patrick K. Ferrick / KA2AYK | Seen in a recent advertisement: |
| ferrick@autarch.acsu.buffalo.edu | "60Mb Interanal Tape Drive" Ouch !!! |
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 12:30:09 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Quest for cleanest Paris toilets yields mixed results
To: yucks-request
PARIS, Feb 21 (AFP) - Asking itself how clean Paris's clean toilets really
are, the monthly consumer magazine Que Choisir Sante came up with mixed
results in a survey of 22 top establishments in the French capital.
With samples taken from toilet seats and flush chains, with an eye on the
availability of soap and towels, the magazine marked each place on a scale of
one to 20.
The fancy Deux-Magots, where the pulse of Paris cafe society beats in the
heart of Saint-Germain-des-Pres, obtained a disappointing eight points, due
mainly to the presence of fecal germs on toilet seats, the magazine said.
At the bottom of the list with six points was the futuristic Georges
Pompidou Center in Beaubourg, whose facilities prompted the comment that "a
tour through the sewers of Paris would doubtless yield fewer unpleasant
surprises."
"The most pleasant surprise of the test," the magazine said, was a visit
to the toilets in the busy Austerlitz train station, which rated a more than
honorable 17.5 points.
The National Assembly got a satisfying 18.5 points, the Paris courthouse
flunked with only eight, while an inspection, in all fairness, of the
magazine's own facilities yielded a so-so 13 points.
The cleanest toilets in Paris were found at either end of the price range,
with 20 out of 20 for the posh Ritz Hotel on the Place Vendome, and for the
McDonald's restaurant on bohemian Boulevard Saint-Michel.
The only other establishment to get full marks was the showroom of the
Jacob-Delafon firm -- which specializes in sanitary installations.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 21:54:19 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Roadkills-R-Us misses an opportunity
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
LIEBESKIND,SUSAN H said...
|I couldn't make this one up no matter how hard I
|tried.
|
|Atlanta Constitution 2/20/92:
|
|ROAD KILL ART: A bizarre art exhibit featuring cow skulls and road kill
|attracted a cloud of spectators that flew in to see it in Spokane, Wash. The
|Fine Art Gallery at the Cheney Cowles Museum had to call in exterminators when
|a horde of black flies settled in two days before the exhibit opened Feb 13.
|Last weekend, a pest-control company returned to kill the fly larvae and tiny
|beetles living in the pelts of squashed coyotes and other still-deaths featured
|in the "True Objects and Stories from Two Dot" exhibit, curator Beth Sellars
|said Tuesday. The exhibit by Theodore Waddell, a rancher-artist from central
|Montana, includes a smashed rabbit stuck to a canvas and covered with
|psychedelic paint, and a flattened coyote stretched across the bottom corner of
|a large canvas.
|
|---
|
|Perhaps Roadkills-R-Us could sponsor the travelling exhibition? (Of course,
|travelling roadkill is sort of a contradiction in terms -- it WAS travelling
|when it became roadkill.)
[Had we known about it we would have helped sponsor it.]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Feb 92 14:57:24 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu
Subject: Self-referential call for papers? (from news.anounce.conferences)
To: spaf
SECOND NOTICE
******************************************************************
* CALL FOR PAPERS *
* Special Issue of Journal of Computer & Software Engineering *
* Tentative Publication Date: January 1993 *
*
* RELIABLE SOFTWAR *
******************************************************************
[The rest of the article looked OK. Maybe it's not a misprint; the
first application they mentioned was "strategic defense systems"!]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 08:36:12 EST
From: Andy Wilcox <andy@wasp.eng.ufl.edu>
Subject: Tales of Unachieved Grandeur
To: bob
A few weeks ago, the U of Florida had their annual student
run engineers fair. This is your usual run-o-the mill
pretty well produced student expo. Lots of the engineering
societies have exhibits displaying their research, and several
corporations are also invited to do the same.
The booth of the Aero department had a very sleek looking human
powered sub on display. I presume this was UF's entry into the
competition each year off the coast of Florida, which was featured
on some pop-science program (Nova?) last year.
On careful inspection of the craft, I noted that something was
written on it near the drivers hatch. It had been sanded over
in an attempt to remove it. Looking carefully, it said:
"A job, a wife, 3 years and 5 grades, and it still never worked."
-signature garbled
------------------------------
Date: 6 Feb 92 09:30:05 GMT
From: jgreen@acs.alliant.com (John C Green Jr)
Subject: Truth is stranger than fiction
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A friend was being relocated from San Francisco to Athens, Greece for a two
year assignment. The relocation policy allowed him to bring up to 10,000 pounds
of possessions in each direction. However to prevent abuse he was allowed to
bring back only 1.5 times as much as he brought. Since he only owned about
2,500 pounds he called the VP Personnel at the East Coast headquarters and with
a terrific noise in the background shouted:
Friend: "Do I have this right. I can bring 10,000 pounds back from Greece, but
only if I bring 6,667 pounds with me?"
VP: "That's right."
Friend: "Well, I'm here at the South San Francisco Scrap Iron Works, and they
have a sale on anvils. Should I buy a couple of tons and ship them to
Greece? Or will you waive the policy?"
The policy was waived. The VP gave my friend a hand written note saying "...
can bring back up to 10,000 pounds with the exceptions of overweight Greek
women, significant pieces of the Greek coastline, and anvils."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 13:47:33 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You're so Vain
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The Wall Street Journal, Friday January 17 1992
Minor Memos
... There is a facility at Oklahoma's Langston University
named for House Agriculture Committee chairman:
The E. (Kika) de la Garza Institute for Goat Research
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Feb 92 12:54:38 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: You know you're old when...
To: yuf@sequent.com
[In response to the question of what album he had bought in three
different formats. --spaf]
Why, it's the Partridge Family Double Live Album, of course. Crank
it up 'til your ears bleed. No, no-- that was some bad dream I had. It's
_Foghat_'s live album, and I used to pop it in the 8-track player of my '66
Chevy Impala and cruise State St. It had a 327" w/ a 4-barrel carb.-- same
as in the late-60's Camaro's. Not many cars have acceleration like that over
100. :-)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Feb 92 13:36:25 -0500
From: kml%sware.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu
Subject: yucks submission
To: spaf
>From a cartoon in _New Yorker_:
"Some people are born to push the envelope, and some are born to lick it."
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End of Yucks Digest
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