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Yucks Digest V2 #13 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sat, 15 Feb 92 Volume 2 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
downrange download
Finalist - Best Legal Defense of 1991
funny for Yucks
Irish again the butt of jokes
Joke in extremely poor taste
Overheard last night at Wolf Trap
Pop Singer Enthroned In Africa
reassuring the passengers [told to me as true]
strange math
The ultimate mail-order item
Top Ten Reasons to Use Emacs
Valentine's Day
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: Thu, 13 Feb 92 01:03:20 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: downrange download
To: spaf
Upset Dad Allegedly Downloads Gun Into Son's Computer
SPOKANE, Wash. (AP) _ A man apparently irritated by the amount
of time his son spent using a computer was arrested after firing
seven shots into the machine, police said.
Charles R. Hubbard, 44, of Spokane, was arrested late Tuesday
for investigation of assault. He was released Wednesday after
posting $20,000 bail.
"He appeared to be upset because his son was unemployed and all
he did was mess with that _ quote _ `stupid' computer," Police
Sgt. Al Odenthal said.
The assault charge was for allegedly pointing a .45-caliber
semiautomatic handgun at his son, Odenthal said.
"I'm not sure if it's against the law to shoot property in your
own home," he said.
[Compare to Yucks v1#43 where the Marines used handgrenades. Any
of you Yuckster's done in a computer in some spectacular manner? --spaf]
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Date: Fri, 14 Feb 92 13:07:13 -0600
From: chk@cs.rice.edu
Subject: Finalist - Best Legal Defense of 1991
To: spaf
Apparently from (University of Michigan) Michigan Review, Nov 6:
Convicted murderer Alfred Lavers recently argued unsuccessfully
against receiving the death penalty for slowly stabbing his wife and
step-daughter to death, according to the Grand Rapids Press. Lavers
contended that since he could not afford an expensive gun to kill his
relatives, he had no choice but to rely upon crude weapons that
necessitate torturous pain before death. This, he alleged, is a form
of socioeconomic discrimination.
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Date: Wed, 12 Feb 92 15:00:54 EST
From: heaphy
Subject: funny for Yucks
To: Gene Spafford <spaf>
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Dan Quayle
[And here I thought it was the trees. Hasn't Dan talked with
Ronnie about this? --spaf]
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Date: Thu, 13 Feb 92 13:13:36 CST
From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor))
Subject: Irish again the butt of jokes
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
(thoughts on true incidents in Ireland)
Two men in public restrooms in Ireland were rather embarassed
to find themselves "super-glued" to the toilets. One genius
had sat down on the bowl rather than the seat (this was in a
pub - perhaps he couldn't find the seat). Both were carried
out on stretchers, still attached to the privy parts, by
firemen, to a local hospital where the glue was removed with
solvent over the course of a couple of hours.
Someone actually considered whether this was some new, fiendish
scheme by the IRA. This was dismissed because "they only
operate in Northern Ireland." Nevermind that such embarassment
hardly compares to the embarassment of having one's component
parts spread over several hectares of prime potato grazing
land during a bombing. Do people think the IRA has gotten
a vision of a "kinder, gentler revolution"? Even a two-year old
in the IRA could do better than superglue on a toilet seat.
Contact explosives or sulfuric acid on the seats I could
believe, but this smacks FAR more of the CIA than the IRA.
So far, though, nobody seems to be investigating whether the
CIA has infiltrated the SAS.
And I suppose it's only a matter of time before fun-loving,
bored, blue-collar clowns realize the joys of glue on condoms,
feminine hygeine products, underwear and the like...
[There are many interesting and fun-filled uses of superglue.
However, superglue on mucosa is not particularly funny -- the only
solvents that work on superglue are toxic and tend to be absorbed
through such tissue, so removal usually entails poisoning Thus some of
your suggestions should be viewed as potentially fatal. However,
gluea on toilet seats continues to be a nasty trick of choice,
especially at private parties with only one bathroom, and with a
half-empty keg on the porch. George Heyduke covered this in one of
his "Getting Even" books, I believe.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat Feb 15 10:01:47 EST 1992
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Joke in extremely poor taste
To: yucks
Q. What can make "Iron Mike" Tyson cry during sex?
A. Mace
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 92 08:31:52 EST
From: karl@grebyn.com (Karl A. Nyberg)
Subject: Overheard last night at Wolf Trap
During the Robin & Linda Williams concert:
You've got to give him a lot of credit for surviving this far in
life. He had a rough childhood. You see, his mother was a
Jehovah's Witness and his father was an atheist, so he'd go around
knocking on doors for no good reason at all.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 92 15:11:14 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Pop Singer Enthroned In Africa
To: yucks-request
KRINJABO, Ivory Coast (AP)
Michael Jackson, touring Africa to make a film, sat on a golden
throne Saturday and was crowned "King of the Sanwis" in this village
not far from the Ghana border.
Wearing an orange shirt and black pants, Jackson was fanned by
four young bare-breasted girls during the ceremony.
Kings and chiefs from nearby villages joined Krinjabo villagers in
celebrating Jackson's enthronement. Elders chanted incantations as
they poured gin on the dry ground to honor the memory of the
village's ancestors.
Jackson, draped in a traditional yellow-orange robe said, "Thank
you," after accepting his crown and a long golden chain.
As king, Jackson's territory stretches across the border into
Ghana. Krinjabo is about 80 kilometers (49 miles) east of Abidjan.
The singer is on a tour of Africa to make a film, "Return to
Africa." The trip began last week in Gabon. On Monday, Jackson
travels to Tanzania and Kenya.
[Um, exactly what did he do to rate "kingship"? And was Bubbles
crowned Prince? For that matter, what would they crown Prince as?
Crown Prince? Does this now mean that Elvis has been dethroned? Will
people be spotting Michael at grocery stores and truckstops?
Enquiring minds want to know! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 15 Feb 92 00:30:06 GMT
From: ark@research.att.com
Subject: reassuring the passengers [told to me as true]
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the
following stories about a captain with whom he often flew.
This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making
passengers feel at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire
on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway.
He was aked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up.
His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a
short delay before our arrival. They've closed the
airport while they clean up what's left of the last
airplane that landed there.
Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence.
Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings
were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants
relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some
of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence.
In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing
tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps.
Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to
worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much
as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see,
we're nowhere near that yet.
[I think I've flown with this airline and pilot. --spaf]
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Date: Fri, 14 Feb 92 00:28:51 PST
From: jeffw@or.credence.COM
Subject: strange math
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
A local car dealership is advertising, "Zero down on a new infinity".
Just think, all his life Cantor was looking at the wrong end of the spectrum.
------------------------------
From: jima@cssun1.bradley.edu (Jim Allenspach)
Subject: The ultimate mail-order item
Newsgroups: bu.banter
Okay. Some of you know that Archie McPhee & Company (Seattle, WA)
are the kings of mail order, and their catalogs are instant collector's
items, and all that. Well, their latest catalog features one of the
greatest all-time items one can order from them. On page 24:
FACTORY MIX-UP DOLL!
We can't believe how lucky we are to
have these. Imagine our delight when we
discovered a whole box of Barbie type
dolls in high fashion female outfits. BUT
WITH MALE HEADS! It's about time cross-
dressers had a representative toy! These
are great, one-of-a-kind, one-shot deals,
and you need one.
M794. Factory Mix-up Doll.
Assorted. Our choice. $9.50 each,
or the 4 assorted Gender Mix
Extravaganza/$29.95.
I will take a dozen. Imagine the sort of children one could raise
with some of these around the house....
------------------------------
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: Top Ten Reasons to Use Emacs
To: yucks-request
After reading Randall's list of the top ten reasons to use vi, I thought
I'd fire back with these...
Top Ten Reasons to Use Gnu Emacs
10) Tower-of-Hanoi routines provide entertainment while editing.
9) Widespread installation assists CSRG crew, whose pension fund has
been heavily invested in Maxtor since 4.2 BSD.
8) 50-50 chance of discovering new feature each time it's executed.
7) Thick manual even better than Interlisp book for inducing satori
via impact in undergrad hackers.
6) Subliminal messages flashed on screen during global search/replace
urge "Stallman for President".
5) Uses all the keys on your keyboard, plus some 3-key combinations
that alleviate carpal tunnel syndrome.
4) Helps support "When you don't pay for software, don't pay for
*American* software" campaign.
3) Continued use allows embedded self-organizing neural network code
to take first steps up evolutionary ladder.
2) Emulates ex/vi, ep, xed, E, ned, and several other as-yet-undiscovered
editors at only a fraction of their speed.
1) It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 15 Feb 92 15:07:23 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Valentine's Day
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us, yucks
Valentine's Day:
My wife expected a card. I tried to find something appropriate for a
day honoring the death by torture of the patron saint of thieves, but
could only find cards with little cutesy heart-shaped things on them.
[Side note: I've seen real hearts, and they don't look anything at all
heart-shaped. Anybody know why?]
My wife dropped hints about me getting her some flowers. I asked her
what message she wanted me to convey with a gift of the decaying,
severed sexual organs of plants grown in mounds of cow manure, sand,
and mica, out of their natural habitat. She didn't reply.
Then she dropped hints about me getting her some chocolates. I
pointed out that those are simply pieces of fat and sugar, derived
from material produced in poor third-world countries on land hacked
out of the rain forest, and which generally contribute to obesity,
cardio-vascular disease, and thus early death. I obviously am not
going to contribute to her early demise like that, but she didn't seem
to understand.
She suggested maybe we rent some nice video for the evening. I
related a conversation with one of my coworkers earlier in the day,
revealing that he was unable to find a copy of "Texas Chainsaw
Massacre" still on the shelves in any of the local stores. That
indicated that all the good ones were already rented and we'd probably
have to settle for some rather dull movie that no one else wanted to
rent.
She seemed really disappointed to hear the movie situation, and
decided to sulk -- watching television with the cats. She told me I
was lucky we were still married, and I told her I agreed -- I'm
terrible at doing my own laundry. She seemed to get all choked up by
this.
I guess it helps to be a true romantic, eh? :-) I hope your VD was at
least as enjoyable.
Definitely twisted,
--spaf
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End of Yucks Digest
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