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Yucks Digest V2 #12
Yucks Digest Fri, 14 Feb 92 Volume 2 : Issue 12
Today's Topics:
Call for Theories
Exec. Says He'd Arm Wrestle
Gaijin Kaisha: Running a Foreign Business in Japan
How to identify scientists
In today's mail
The Skinhead's Hamlet
Yucks submission...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Feb 92 15:02:27 PST
From: sfisher@wsl.dec.com
Subject: Call for Theories
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
All right, I want to know where my hairbrush has been for the past four
weeks.
Darkness on the Serengeti. U-T'lach shifts the weight uncomfortably
from the balls of his feet, feeling the breeze across the savannah,
and shivers in the moonless womb of Africa. I-T'thana sleeps beside
him, the smiling little one she bore nearly a whole cycle ago nestled in
the crook of her belly and breast. A warmth comes over U-T'lach's heart;
will the little one someday have a Name of her own? He smiles, thinking
of the three of them walking beside the water the other day, he and
I-T'thana taking short steps to match their gait to that of their
little one, her face smiling up at theirs as she proudly showed her new
ability to walk on two legs like U-T'lach and I-T'thana, their footprints
embedded in the clay at the rim of the Gorge.
The breeze chills, a crisper chill on U-T'lach's pelt than the wind
should be in the time of long days. A thrum like the hunting call of
a big cat fills the Serengeti night, a thrum that builds and grows
where the cat's chuffing grunt would sharply bark below the stars.
The chill in the coarse, separate hairs on U-T'lach's skin recedes
from without, but from within it grows, and the hairs quill from his
body like rushes in a dust sprite.
A hole opens in the darkness above U-T'lach's sleeping family; the
brilliant night eyes, pinprick stars, are blotted by a large black
shape that sucks light the way the Serengeti mud sucks up the
rains when the days change. The thrum in U-T'lach's spine courses
from this black shape, a block of darkness humming like the wind
through a taut branch heavy with morula fruit.
U-T'lach's mind forms images, images of something that had no Name,
something that the People had never seen; it was not in the memory,
it was not in the stories, it was not in the Dreams. A thing,
smooth on the back like a mammoth's tusk, prickly on the front like
a porcupine but with even, smooth quills that glistened like moonlight
on the ripples in the Gorge. A thinner smooth tusk jutted from one
end; shapes the color of sunset waters gleamed on the smooth face.
I-T'thana is awake now, the thrumming of the black obelisk having
shaken her bones. Eyes wide, she stands at U-T'lach's side, her
hands twining the bristly pelt of his nape, clinging to him the way
her little one clings to her breast when she nurses. Instinctively
she has put herself between the singing blackness and her little one;
her fear for herself outweighed by concern, older than her ancestor's
learned skill of walking upright, for the little one who has not yet
lived to hear her own name from the People.
Then, with a hiss, the black form before U-T'lach draws sparkling
stars from its depths, from the sky, from reflections in the eyes
and twisted hair of U-T'lach and I-T'thana, rushing and sizzling through
the night in a gleaming river that swirls and eddies in the center of the
obelisk. The brightness limns them against the rock, their shadows
flirting with the limestone crevices that separate the Gorge from
the Serengeti; the noise raises in tone, the humming turning to the
susurrus of cicadas in the veldt when the hot sun beats its longest
from the clay-colored sky, the scream of a spotted she-cat as her
mate clamps her maculate neck in powerful toothy jaws and plunges
into her in the barbed pairing of their rut. The ground shakes
lightly, sharply, like a red dog scratching its neck with a hind
foot, and then there is a pop and a tiny gust of wind, and in the
lambent, dying sparkles of creation, U-T'lach and I-T'thana see
before them the Nameless thing of the waking dream they shared.
As though another arm held his arm, U-T'lach jerkily reaches out
to grasp the small, smooth tusk that juts from the base of the thing.
It feels cool in his hand, like a river stone, smooth like a tooth,
and he turns it over in his grasp. I-T'thana smiles; it is pleasant
to behold. Jerky as her mate, her eyes show surprise as she is made
to reach out for the tusk. She turns toward her little one, still
asleep with the fastness of babyhood in spite of the gleaming roar
of the black shape, which still looms in the dark above their nest.
I-T'thana turns, takes a halting step toward her little one, bends to
her knee as she comes alongside the tiny sleeping form, so perfect,
so vulnerable, like death without its terrors. The buzzing from the
dolmen returns, and I-T'thana feels her arm being pushed, as though
in the current of the river that runs through the Gorge, toward the
head of her sleeping child.
No! She fights it, every thew of her wiry frame bulging against
her gleaming umber skin, her breath coming ragged as she battles
the unseen force like the wind from this black stranger. Yet she
is helpless, and at length her arm crosses the space between her
and the child, the strange gleaming tusk gripped in nerveless
fingers. U-T'lach's eyes look on in horror as he thinks of the
way this little one smiles when she sees him return from the hunt,
the way her tiny fingers pinch his useless nipples as she suckles
from the full, rounded swellings on I-T'thana's ribs; what is this
hateful black shape doing to this child? What nameless horror could
it possibly want from a helpless baby?
I-T'thana's hand, the tendons like gaunt branches against the sky,
reaches down and presses the moon-glinting quills into the matted
curls of her little one's head. Then, almost tenderly, the force
that presses her arm toward some unspeakable dread pulls her hand
down toward the baby's shoulders. A tug as the tangles unwind,
and the little one's head pulls and releases. She awakens, sees
I-T'thana above her; I-T'thana tries to look calm, her face frozen
in a smile in the dark as she thinks of the season she spent bearing
this little one in her belly, of the tearing as she was released,
of the warmth of her toothless infant's mouth on her body in the darkness.
Tears are wrenched from her horrified eyes as she contemplates the
dangers to this tiny precious thing.
Her hand is made to press the tusk forward yet again, this time
pulling yet more tangles free from the tiny one's skull. She winces
at the pull, yet does not fight.
[Geez, I'm sure glad no one asked about their lost innocence and
youth.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 9 Feb 92 11:59:49 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Exec. Says He'd Arm Wrestle
To: yucks-request
DALLAS (AP)
An aviation company's head says there are more creative ways than
going to court to settle a dispute with Southwest Airlines over an ad
slogan. He wants to decide the matter elbow-to-elbow in an
arm-wrestling match.
Kurt Herwald, head of Stevens Aviation Inc., said the slogan
"Plane Smart" was working wonders for his Greenville, S.C.-based
company before Southwest Airlines began using the slogan "Southwest,
Just Plane Smart."
Stevens Aviation is a chain of five aircraft service stations in
Ohio Tennessee and South Carolina.
Herwald's executive vice-president, Stephen D. Townes, in December
fired off the first salvo in the tongue-in-cheek missive campaign
with a letter to Dallas-based Southwest.
"While it is in our legal rights to file for a cease and desist
order, we don't want a courtroom face-off with Southwest Airlines,"
his letter said.
"So we would rather pursue a non-litigious route to settle this
problem; a route more in keeping with the fun-loving spirit upon
which Southwest Airlines was founded."
His proposal: An arm-wrestling match between Herwald and Southwest
Chairman Herb Kelleher in front of Dallas City Hall.
It could be too outrageous an offer for Kelleher to pass up. He's
known to visit with passengers while wearing costumes ranging from
the Easter Bunny to Elvis to Roy Orbison.
Last month, Kelleher returned fire with this response:
"Our Chairman can bench press a quart of Wild Turkey and five
packs of cigarettes per day. He is also a fiercesome (sic)
competitor, who resorts to kicking, biting, gouging, scratching and
hair pulling in order to win. When really pressed, he has also been
known to beg, plead, whine and sob piteously.
"Can your pusillanimous little wimp of a Chairman stand up against
the martial valor of our giant?"
Kelleher, who was out of town Saturday, hasn't made a decision
about the challenge but is seriously considering it, said Southwest
spokesman Ed Stewart.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 92 10:55:19 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Gaijin Kaisha: Running a Foreign Business in Japan
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@ic.berkeley.edu>
This excerpt from Jackson Huddleston's book "Gaijin Kaisha: Running a
Foreign Business in Japan" came across the wire the other day. I found
it fairly interesting. I haven't read his book yet but it sounds like
it ought to go the list:
Huddleston, Jackson N., 1938-
Gaijin kaisha : running a foreign business in Japan / Jackson N.
Huddleston, Jr. Armonk, N.Y. : M.E. Sharpe, c1990.
This excerpt was posted with the author's personal permission.
Jackson Huddleston introduced American Express to Japan from 1978 to 1981
over the blatant opposition of the Japanese Government, Keiretsu, and Banks.
He is a business legend in Japan because he beat the system. One of the
ways he did it was by hiring first-class Japanese women who were excluded
from meaningful employment at Japanese corporations.
W.
"FEMALE EMPLOYEES"
"For many foreign companies in the nonmanufacturing sector, women will
comprise the majority of their employees. With the support of top
management, women can be a valuable resource; probably a foreign
company's only access to first-class education, which is what made Japan
what it is today and what will be essential to stay ahead of the
competition. A foreigner will be able to tap this resource much more
easily and effectively than can a Japanese man, who throughout his
career has ignored women as potential employees.
Japanese women can be extremely loyal, for you are giving them the
earning capability and challenge that their own society restricts.
Graduates of junior colleges and universities, many will remain with
the company only three or four years, until they marry. A few will
stay on for careers, and those who do can, with senior management support,
become an effective part of management. Despite protestation on the
part of Japanese men, they can also be effective in interacting with
clients outside the office. (It is a greater handicap to be with a
foreign firm than to be a woman). Legal working restrictions placed on
women have now been greatly relaxed, and therefore a woman, if she
chooses, may put in the same work hours as a man. That she can neither
drink in the bars at night nor play golf with the boys on the weekend
is just a fact of life. A company will have plenty of males who can
and are more than willing to do so if the company picks up the tab.
Day care for working mothers in Japan is superb compared to the United
States, and the same percentage of mothers are in the work force in
both countries. In the past, these potential employees have not been
given meaningful career opportunities in corporations, much as in the
United States twenty years ago. Today, however, with a shortage of male
recruits for technical jobs in a dynamic economy, women are being given
the opportunity to climb the technical ladder in Japanese companies.
This will eventually make recruiting even more difficult for foreign firms.
[A manager interviewed for the book said:]
'In the past two years we have hired ten female graduates.
We have not found a male in this time up to the standards
of the females. We don't attract the good males.
The women are absolutely outstanding. We are using them as
chemists and in research and are beginning to break through
some barriers in the building. Two are now in management.
We are bringing them in slowly but surely.'
...
Rarely will a resigning employee, especially a good one, indicate why
he or she is resigning. This is often because, for Japanese, communication
is based on the situation, not principles, while for Americans it is the
opposite. A Japanese responds based on the situation, considering
everything that has to be satisfied by his answers. Because of the nature
of the society, there are many pressures that have to be taken into
account in addition to the act at hand. A manager must have his antennae
out in the company and the community to know why his employees are
acting as they are. Young women from good families can be of great
assistance in giving class to an organization and in maintaining the proper
equilibrium. ..."
------------------------------
Date: 10 Feb 92 09:30:04 GMT
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
Subject: How to identify scientists
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
How to identify scientists:
Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.
Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.
Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.
Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 20:50:44 -0500
From: Roger Lustig <roger@phoenix.Princeton.EDU>
Subject: In today's mail
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
From: John Palmer <jpalmer@uwovax.uwo.ca>
To: dtate@unix.cis.pitt.edu, roger@phoenix
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 14:58:55 EST
Subject: More on the Philistine Libertion Organization
Status: RO
I know you two are unlikely to have seen this post, and I'd hate for
your chains to go unjerked:
------
ANNOUNCING
THE FIRST ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION OF THE
PHILISTINE LIBERATION ORGANZATION
Three different locations are being considered to serve you better:
1. The Fantasyland Hotel at West Edmonton Mall. Largest Mall in the
world. Indoor Roller Coaster and surfing. Giant fast-food court.
Early registrants will have their choice of theme rooms (Polynesian
and Roman are the most popular).
2. Wall Drug, Wall, South Dakota. You can't miss it. There are signs
everywhere.
3. The Old Bavarian Inn, Frankenmuth, Michigan. With regular buses to
Bonner's "We sell 57 quadzillion tacky Christmas ornaments to
tourists every year." Chicken dinners served 24hrs/day.
TENTATIVE SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
Opening dinner:
(Kraft dinner gussied up with ground beef and Hamburger
Helper; canned peas; lettuce wedges with Kraft dressing;
Sara Lee pound cake)
Invited after-dinner speaker (I said "invited"; I didn't say he'd
come)
Dave Barry, "Should the plastic covers be left on new
furniture?"
Get-acquainted Dance: complete with "Hello, my name is _________"
name tags. Music provided by Lawrence Welk videos.
* * * DAY I * * *
Breakfast:
Eggs "Benedict" from McDonalds, coffee, juice, hashbrowns
Morning Session I: Plastics
"A Sociometric Investigation into Tupperware Use by High
Income vs. Low Income Households"
"The Pluses and Minuses of Clear vs. Colour-Changing zip-lock
Sandwich Bags vs. Foldtop Bags"
"Making a Chandelier with Clear Plastic Wine Glasses"
"Plastic trees - can we replace the rain forest?"
Morning Session II: Music
"The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
"Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and
Differences"
"Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
"Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"
Lunch:
A smorgasbord of fast foods [Whoppers, Big Macs, tacos,
fries, shakes, soft drinks]
Afternoon Session I: Textiles and Fabrics
"Velcro and Speed-lacing: the results of timed trials,
by age and sex groups"
"Wrinkle-proofing: buying the right fabric can save hours of
work later"
"Spandex, the fabric that lets your wardrobe grow with you"
Afternoon Session II: The Philistine Philosophy
"Philistine and Macho: The Crucial Differences"
"The Boycott of National Public Radio: a Progress Report"
"If modern artists had to rely on individual rather than state
patronage could middle america bear to watch them starve to death?"
Dinner:
Pizza comparisons from local establishments. Timed Trials.
Grease measurements. The convenience factor debated.
Invited After Dinner Panel: Philistine Reviews
Joe-Bob Briggs - the social relevance of drive-in movies
Ian Klymchuk - low-brow put-downs of high-brow events
Sock Hop: Ballroom I
featuring tapes from sound-alike artists of the 50s
or
Polkas: Ballroom II
featuring battling accordians with non-stop music
* * * DAY II * * *
Breakfast:
Cold, leftover pizza.
Coke and Pepsi Floats. Jolt Cola available upon request.
Morning Session I: What is art?
"Selecting pictures to match the decor of your home"
"Learning which way to hang that modern art(ist)"
"Has there been art since the 18th century?"
"Abstract Art: could we really do better with a child's
painting set, a dog and a Poulan Chainsaw?"
Morning Session II: Wardrobes
"Polka Dots - Bigger is Better"
"Leisure suits - the comeback apparel of the '90s"
"Creative Uses of Plaids, Colours, and Stripes:
Personality Profiles and Personal Statements"
Lunch:
Creativity with tuna: tuna casseroles; tuna melts; tuna rolls;
tuna-Dorito crunch; and the classic, tuna with lime jello.
Afternoon Session I: Literature for Philistines
"If Modern Writers are so good, why can't they write in
complete sentences?"
"Eschatology in Harlequin novels"
"Poetry: the advantages of rhyming"
Afternoon Session II: Entertainment and the Media
"Rescue 911: required viewing for schoolchildren?"
"Filling the Void - the Demise of Commercial Television"
"Headline News: Should It Be Shortened to Ten or Fifteen
Minute Segments?"
"Masterpiece Theatre: Where's the Beef?"
Closing Panel: Philistines and Food
"Avoiding Sugar Letdowns by Popping M&Ms at Regular Intervals"
"Chips: regular, reconstituted, and flavoured. Taste Tests"
"No Alcohol, Schmo Alcohol - Drink Real Beer and Call a Cab"
"The Poisons Lurking in Natural Spring Waters"
"Cholesterol Is Your Friend: New Evidence from New England"
Registration:
To register, return this form by Feb 31, along with a cheque for $25, to
PLO Headquarters
Box 159, suite 4045
SSC
London, Ontario CANADA
N6A 5C2
Smoking and non-smoking areas will be available for all sessions,
meals, and hotels.
Hotel and bus information will be mailed two weeks after the receipt
of your cheque.
[with thanks to the organizing committee: Simon, Tori, Keith, and Ian]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 11:42:28 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: The Skinhead's Hamlet
To: spaf
[Extensive use of good Anglo-Saxon words in this one. Caveat Reader.
Also, a suggestion. Read this, then catch Mel Gibson as Hamlet on
cable. Makes it all a lot funnier. --spaf]
>From slt.skinheads:
>From andrew.cmu.edu!jmbb+ Mon Feb 10 08:41:54 PST 1992
The skinhead Hamlet
Shakespear's play translated into modern english.
Our hope was to achieve something like the effect of the new English
Bible --Eds
Act I Scene I
:The battlements of Elsinore Castle:
:enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST:
GHOST: Oi! Mush!
HAMLET: Yer?
GHOST: I was fucked!
(exit GHOST)
HAMLET: O fuck.
(exit HAMLET)
Scene II
: The Throneroom:
: Enter KING,CLAUDIUS,GERTRUDE,HAMLET and COURT:
CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over!
HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you?
(Exit CLAUDIUS,GERTRUDE,COURT)
HAMLET( alone):They could have fucking waited.
(Enter HORATIO)
HAMLET: Weeeeny!
Scene III
:Ophelia's bedroom:
:Enter OPHELIA and LAERTES:
LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't
slip you one while I'm gone.
OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does.
(Exeunt)
Scene IV
:The Battlements:
: Enter HORATIO,HAMLET, and GHOST:
GHOST:Oi! Mush, get on with it!
HAMLET: Who did it then?
GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fuckin poison
in my ear!
(Exeunt)
Act II Scene I
:A corridor in the castle:
:Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS:
POLON: Oi! You!
HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad!
(Exit POLON. Enter ROZENCRANTZ and
GUILDENSTERN)
ROS & GU: Oi! Oi! Mucca!
HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you!
(Exit ROS & GU)
HAMLET: To fuck or be fucked.
(Enter Ophelia)
OPHELIA: My lord!
HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery!
(They exit in different directions)
Act III Scene I
:The Throneroom:
:Enter PLAYERS and all COURT:
1 PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart....
CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this
crap.
(Exeunt)
Scene II
:Gertrudes Bedchamber:
:Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE:
HAMLET: Oi! Slag!
GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid!
POLON: (From behind curtain) Too right.
HAMLET: Who the fuck was that?
(He stabbs POLON through the arass)
POLON: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other
wanker.
(Exeunt)
Acy IV Scene I
:A Court Room:
:Enter CLAUDIUS and HAMLET:
CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then!
HAMLET: Delighted, mush.
Scene II
:The Throneroom:
:Enter OPHELIA,GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS:
OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this.
(She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits)
CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she?
GERTRUDE: (Looking out the window)
There is a wilow grows aslant in the brook.
CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag.
GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned!
CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned
off.
(Exeunt)
Scene III
: A Corridor:
LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot.
(Enter CLAUDIUS)
CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that
wanker Hamlet.
LAERTES: Well, fuck him.
Act V Scene I
:Hamlet's Bedchamber:
:HAMLET and HORATIO seated:
HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it,
Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a
flying fuck.
(Exeunt)
Scene II
:Large Hall:
:Enter HAMLET,LAERTES,COURT,GERTRUDE,CLAUDIUS:
LAERTES: Oi, wanker, let's get on with it.
HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface.
(They fight and are both poisoned by the
poisoned sword)
LAERTES: Fuck!
HAMLET: Fuck!
(The queen drinks)
GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine!
CLAUDIUS: You drank the wrong fucking cup, you stupid
cow!
HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat)
Well, fuck you!
CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked.
LAERTES: Oi, mush, no hard feeling, eh?
HAMLET: Yer.
(LAERTES dies)
HAMLET: Oi! Horatio!
HORATIO: Yer?
HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence.
(HAMLET dies)
HORATIO: Fuck, that was no ordinary wanker, you know.
(Enter FORTINBRAS)
FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here?
HORATIO: A fuckin mess, that's for sure.
FORTIN: No kiddin. I see Hamlet's fucked.
HORATIO: Yer.
FORTIN: Fuckin shame. Fuckin good bloke.
HORATIO: Too fuckin right.
FORTIN: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off.
(Exeunt with alarums)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 07 Feb 92 10:17:07 PST
From: yuf@sequent.com
Subject: Yucks submission...
To: spaf
I just got the following forwarded and found it to be quite a laugh.
Hell, even sounds like a great game to play!
Article: 1618 of alt.fishing
From: kcwong@ssd.kodak.com (K.C. Wong 253-7926)
Subject: Re: Jimmy Houston's Outdoors Drinking Game
Date: 30 Sep 91 12:36:17 GMT
In article <1991Sep28.191956.22046@uvm.edu> jmc@newton (John Connors) writes:
>The rules can be modified to reflect your favorite fishing show host...
>
>The Jimmy Houston's Outdoors Drinking Game Rules.
>
>** You take a good long draw on your favorite cold beverage when...
>
>1) Jimmy says "Oooo Weee, that's a 'purrdey' (pretty) fish!"
>2) Jimmy says "That's a nice looking fish"
>3) Jimmy says "Now that's a good-looking fish!"
>4) Jimmy says the word "bait" when referring to an artifical lure
> example: spinner bait, buzz bait, stick bait, plastic bait, crank ...
>5) Jimmy or his guest catches a fish. (Crappie shows are really fun)
Add 6), Jimmy comparing the bass's belly with his or his
guest's belly.
and 7), Hearing Jimmy's laughter across the hall when he
catches a fish.
and 8), Jimmy releases the crappies or walleyes he caught.
...
...
>** You must drink an entire six-pack of your favorite cold beverage when...
>
>1) Jimmy catches a bass and proclaims "Boy, That's one butt-ugly fish!"
>2) Jimmy's guest is a woman that is not his wife.
>3) Jimmy goes fishing north of the Mason-Dixon line.
>4) Jimmy uses a fly rod.
>5) Jimmy catches a trout.
>
Add 6), Jimmy making fat joke at his WIFE indirectly.
(Really, I saw this happened, she was NOT a happy camper.
Guest what he don't get for two weeks! ;-))
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End of Yucks Digest
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