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Yucks Digest V2 #11 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 11 Feb 92 Volume 2 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
A Japanese Christmas
cutie
For yucks
Frat Humor
Heard from an IBMer
JapanBashing
Kill A Scientist, Save a Tree
Monkey business
The British plug in
Too much to beer
truly disgusting joke
Yucks Digest V2 #9 (shorts)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
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Date: 7 Feb 92 09:30:04 GMT
From: ptb@newt.phys.unsw.oz.au (sIR pATRICK OF bURKE)
Subject: A Japanese Christmas
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Seen in "The Sydney Morning Herald", Saturday, January 4 1992 "Column
8" section:
"The Japanese seem to have got the Christmas message mixed up.
Steve McKenna of Glebe (suburb of Sydney, Aust.) reports that in one
Tokyo department store Santa Claus is nailed to the cross."
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Date: 11 Feb 92 04:36:10 EST (Tue)
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu (Lindsay Cleveland)
Subject: cutie
To: spaf
Contributed by: Randall W. Hron <hronr@hrandoz.UUCP>
Here is a take off on David Letterman's "Top Ten" list I wrote a few months
ago.
Top Ten Reasons to Use vi
10) You don't have to recompile the sources when you get a new machine.
9) It's super powerful
8) It brings admiration at Chinese dinner with Geeks
7) It's cryptic, and therefore builds character
6) It doesn't use any keys that aren't on your keyboard
5) It's even available on a DOS machine
4) It was written by a man named Joy
3) It has a short 2 letter name
2) It's on every UNIX machine you'd ever want to be on
1) It's useful for Korn Shell Command Line Editing
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Date: Sun, 9 Feb 92 15:23:15 CST
From: meo@pencom.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: For yucks
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
From: hosking@osf.org (Doug Hosking)
So the calendar is rapidly approaching Feb. 14, and the local radio
station (Z93, if it could be moved to Boston) is searching desperately
for a new contest. The one they came up with awards a trip for 2 to
Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Those who don't have a partner get a trip
for one to Blue Ball, Pennsylvania. Truth is stranger than fiction...
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Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 14:47:02 PST
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: Frat Humor
To: spaf
>From the SJ Mercury News 2/4/92
..There are some truly odd happenings around the Spartan [SJSU] campus,
though. Check this verbatim campus police report of an incident near the
Alpha Tau Omega fraternity house last week: "Responding officers advised
that about 50 subjects were carrying a human, open-faced sandwich in which
a subject was being carried on a mattress covered with mayonnaise, mustard,
catsup, bologna and salami. The officers further advised that the carried
subject was being delivered to his fiance as a present. Contact was made
with the subject who advised the officers that he was participating of
his free will. The subjects were asked to keep the noise down. No further
action reported." Any way you slice it.
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Date: 8 Feb 92 08:20:07 GMT
From: bank@lea.csc.ncsu.edu (Belgarath the Sorcerer)
Subject: Heard from an IBMer
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Q: What is an optimist?
A: An IBM'er who, on Sunday, irons FIVE white shirts.
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Date: 7 Feb 92 08:20:06 GMT
From: qtip@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin King)
Subject: JapanBashing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Saw this on an AP photo...
The picture portrays a group of auto workers protesting the recent statement
by the Japanese Speaker of Parliment in which he accused Americans of being
lazy and illiterate.
A man was holding a scruffy sign which declared:
"Japan says:
Your illiterate.
Ban Japanese Imports!"
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Date: Tue, 11 Feb 92 09:59:08 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Kill A Scientist, Save a Tree
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
The World's Most Prolific Scientists
Name, Field, Nation Papers from Days Between
1981-1990 Papers
1. Yury T. Struchkov, chemistry, USSR 948 3.9
2. Stephen R. Bloom, gastroenterology, UK 773 4.7
3. Mikhail G. Voronkov, chemistry, USSR 711 5.1
4. Alexsandr M. Prokhorov, physics, USSR 589 6.2
5. Ferdinand Bohlmann, chemistry, Germany 572 6.4
6. Thomas E. Starzl, surgery, USA 503 7.3
7. Frank A. Cotton, chemistry, USA 451 8.1
8. Julia M. Polak, histochemistry, UK 436 8.4
9. Robert C. Gallo, cell biology, USA 428 8.5
10. Genrikh A. Tolstikov, chemistry, USSR 427 8.6
11. John C. Huffman, crystallography, USA 403 9.1
12. Alan R. Katritzky, chemistry, USA 403 9.1
13. David C. Greenblatt, pharmacology, USA 383 9.5
14. John S. Najarian, surgery, USA 345 10.6
15. Willy J. Malaisse, endocrinology, Belg 344 10.6
16. Charles D. Marsden, neurology, UK 339 10.8
17. Anthony S. Fauci, immunology, USA 338 10.8
18. E. Donnall Thomas, oncology, USA 328 11.1
19. Noboru Yanaihara, biochemistry, Japan 322 11.3
20. Timothy J. Peters, biochemistry, UK 322 11.3
[I don't see any computer scientists in there.... --spaf]
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Date: Tue, 11 Feb 92 08:58:17 -0500
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Monkey business
To: spaf
_Earthweek_ by Steve Newman in Feb 8, 1992 _The_Atlanta_Journal_
(reprinted without permission)
Indian officials released a monkey into the wild after it had
been arrested and caged for 66 days because of the animal's
amorous exploits. The monkey was captured two months ago after
it had "molested" some 30 young women patients and nurses in a
hospital near the Kashmir winter capital of Jammu by hugging and
kissing them. The government ordered the monkey to be shot after
nurses threatened to go on strike, but it was trapped alive when
devout Hindus demanded that its life be spared. The adventurous
animal was last seen fleeing into the forest, swinging from tree
to tree.
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Date: Mon, 10 Feb 92 14:40:53 PST
From: ross@harpo.qcktrn.com (Gary Ross)
Subject: The British plug in
To: spaf
>From the SJ Merc News 2/2/92
Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances
in that country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical
cords.
Britons, for we don't know how long, have been required to buy
plugs and attach them to their new toasters, irons and electrical
what have yous.
But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing
its research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it
is common practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods
with a plug attached."
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Date: Thu, 6 Feb 92 14:59:52 CST
From: brennan@hal.com (Dave Brennan)
Subject: Too much to beer
To: spaf
KETCHUM, IDAHO - A man died after a beer keg in his refrigerator
ruptured, shot upward, and hit him in the head, authorities said.
Blaine County Sheriff Walt Femling, said Clinton Doan, 35, died
Wednesday night when he opened the refrigerator in his garage to
put his lunch for the next day inside.
When Doan opened the refrigerator, the bottom of the keg cracked,
shooting the keg upward "like a missile," said Gene Ramsey, chief
sheriff's deputy.
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Date: Tue, 11 Feb 92 18:06:55 CST
From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor))
Subject: truly disgusting joke
To: spaf (Gene Spafford)
>From the Henry Cates joke list...
(To appreciate this joke fully it should be realized that the net spent two
months with various versions of the three strings and punchline of "I'm afraid
knot.")
A Net.addict was driving along in his beat-up old Toyota. He was so addicted
to the net that he had a laptop connected to the net via a cellular phone
in his car. He was so busy reading the jokes in soc.women and soc.men that
he failed to notice that he was low on gas.
Suddenly, in the country (ie out of the city), he ran out of gas. He pondered
his dilemma briefly before he started walking, looking for a gas station.
At one juncture, he decided to cross a farmer's field. Halfway across
the field, he encountered a gigantic pig. He was a little worried because
of the size of the pig, but he tried to carry on non-chalantly. Just as
he began to pass the pig, to his amazement , the pig began to speak:
"Aren't you going to pay the toll for crossing this field?" the pig asked
the Net.addict.
"No," responded the Net.addict. "I'm a frayed knot. Are you going to attack
me for not paying the toll?"
"Well, yes," replied the pig. "I'm a feared sow."
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Date: Wed, 5 Feb 92 14:07:34 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Yucks Digest V2 #9 (shorts)
To: spaf
Have there been any requests for you to drop your shorts yet?
[Yes. Take a number. --spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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