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Yucks Digest V2 #8
Yucks Digest Fri, 31 Jan 92 Volume 2 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
[from xeti]
Accident? You be the judge...
A letter to Microsoft
Drivers celebrate in Tel Aviv: city cancels 140,000 parking ticket
Eniac Book Blurb Service
FWIW Volume I Issue 21
general greetings plus Yucks offering
Geography Show Makes A Splash
love poems
Man Can't Have Head Frozen
Man jailed for writing a check on men's underwear
Official Notification
Oh my God, ther are here! Messages from the NET...... Ctoad
our man in nirvana
Package 1040-5 (including Schedules A, R, N, and I)
POTD
Probably urban, but for your files...
Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Quote for the Day
Real men
Reasons behind aircraft crashes
Stretches a little too far
Your Average American Day
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 1992 14:19:35 -0900
From: The World Famous Bill Wisner <wisner@ims.alaska.edu>
Subject: [from xeti]
[from another mailing list]
------- Forwarded Message
>From: nivek@frc2.frc.ri.cmu.edu (Kevin Dowling)
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 14:23:22 -0500
I found in the back of a magazine among the ads for UFO's <Alien's are Real
- - - send $10 for proof!> and pamphlets on drug conspiracies and so on,
this ad:
"Secrets of the INTERNET!" Value laden information package. Send $5 to
cover postage and handling: Tronnet Inc. [address in Canada]
Isn`t it great how the net is in the same category as new-age
remedies, paranoid conspiracies, and mind altering drugs...
Usenet maybe, but Internet?
------- End of Forwarded Message
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 23:31:43 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: Accident? You be the judge...
To: bob
From the last paragraph of the 1991 Federal Income Tax forms'
"Note From the Commissioner" letter:
"You have every right to demand that we deliver. I think we're making
progress. With your support and oversight, we'll get there."
The output of "webster oversight":
over.sight \-.si-t\ n 1: MANAGEMENT, SUPERVISION 2: an inadvertent omission
or error
Definition 1, or definition 2? Sometimes the answer is obvious.
------------------------------
Date: 31 Jan 92 00:30:07 GMT
From: root@dogear.spk.wa.us (Bob Kirkpatrick)
Subject: A letter to Microsoft
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Gentlemen:
While my career occupies much of my time, I do programming at home
as a hobby. I noticed a new addition to your library with the recent
release of your new C Compiler. I was having a problem, which I was
finally able to overcome by using one of the undocumented calls.
#include <stdio.h>
main()
{
printf("hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
10342: Line 5, unknown function 'printf'
MICROSOFT Object FIle Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
No object file: test.obj
Abnormal Program Termination
#include <stdio.h>
#include <sys/hidden/bribe.h>
main()
{
printf("Hello world\n");
}
MICROSOFT C COMPILER Version 6.3
Copyright 1992 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
MICROSOFT Object File Link Utility Version 4.09
Copyright 1991 Microsoft Corporation All Rights Reserved.
Output File: test.exe
Program completed without error.
I couldn't help but notice that my VISA account was debited $18.42 each
time that I ran the compiler, and that on each successful completion, my
modem would dial and connect with an unknown system.
I don't mean to complain, but wished to inquire about the notice which
was on the envelope containing the diskettes which came with my purchase.
"Breaking of this seal affirms a contractual agreement between the
Purchaser and the Microsoft Corporation. The Purchaser agrees to
abide by the terms and conditions of the License conditionally
granted by the Microsoft Corporation. Copies of this licence may
be obtained by ordering a copy of it from our purchasing department.
The cost for a copy of the license is $99.00 and includes a copy of
MSDOS Version 4.0. Continued use of this product may incur subsequent
user charges as outlined in the contract. The Microsoft Corporation
assumes no liabilities for the use of this product, and offers no
warranties, expressed or implied. Damage to systems or loss of business
revenues through the use of this software shall be deemed amusing."
After contacting your organization in an attempt to return the compiler, I
was told that I would be assessed a $400.00 restocking fee. Since I only
paid $197 for the product, I felt that this was a bit exhorbinant. After
ending the conversation with your Customer Service Department, I noted that
another debit from my VISA account. The debit was made in favor of Microsoft
and was labelled "consultation fee."
This letter is not to complain about your business policies, but instead
recognizes the stability and cash flow that Microsoft enjoys as a result of
them. Since your policies reflect closely my own aims in my career, and
there is a significant possibility that I may be available in a few months,
I would like to interview for a position at Microsoft. A copy of my resume
has been sent under separate cover.
Sincerely,
George Bush.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 00:16:54 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Drivers celebrate in Tel Aviv: city cancels 140,000 parking ticket
To: yucks-request
Tel Aviv, Jan 29 dpa - Drivers in this traffic-bound city got an
unusual cause for celebration Wednesday as the city announced it was
cancelling 140,000 traffic tickets which had been lost in the computer
system for up to seven years and were rediscovered last week.
The fines were apparently handed out between 1985 and 1989 to cars
illegaly parked, but due to a computer error official notices were
never posted to the car-owners and lay buried in the city's huge
computer system.
On their redisocvery last week, Mayor Shlomo Lahat ordered 10 per
cent of the notices to be sent on a trial basis, but following a huge
public outcry he changed his mind and ordered all the fines cancelled.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 12:22:15 -0500
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: Eniac Book Blurb Service
I came across a delightful history of Saturday Night Live in France last year.
Title - `A La Recherche de Don Pardo'.
------------------------------
Date: 27 Jan 92 20:00:09 EST
From: <D.RHEE@CSI.compuserve.com>
Subject: FWIW Volume I Issue 21
To: <spaf>
Subj: From the U.S. Department of "Whoops": Gimme a Whopper
ST. LOUIS (AP) -- Officers were surprised to find Thomas Hall at the
back door of the police station.
Hall was surprised himself. He thought he was at Burger King.
The 38-year-old man was arrested and charged with drunken driving
Monday after pulling up to what he thought was the drive-through window
and placing an order, authorities said. At the other end of the intercom
was a booking clerk.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Jan 92 16:49 EST
From: "Rebecca G. Bace" <Bace@DOCKMASTER.NCSC.MIL>
Subject: Yucks offering
To: spaf
(From Sacramento Bee, Jan 26, 1992)
VICTORVILLE - A man who admitted he killed, barbecued, and ate his
neighbor's dog was sentenced to serve three years in prison for animal
cruelty.
At Thursday's sentencing, the judge called Joseph Vera, 29, of
Adelanto a "dangerous menace" and handed down the maximum sentence
allowed. Vera was convicted in December of one count of animal cruelty.
The judge found that Vera acted callously and planned the
dog's killing to avenge a perceived wrong by his neighbor, Howard
Pinchbeck.
Vera had testified that he killed the dog because he had no
money and hadn't eaten in two days.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 00:17:39 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Geography Show Makes A Splash
To: yucks-request
By BOB SALSBERG
Associated Press Writer
BOSTON (AP)
A roguish band of thieves steals some of the world's great
landmarks. Some bright kid detectives hit the trail. The chase is on,
all to the strains of a cappella music.
Sound a little like a Steven Spielberg flick?
Instead, it's television and the subject is geography.
You remember geography. Once widely taught, the study of places
and people largely ended some years ago, and millions of kids grew up
with only the vaguest notion of where in the world anything was.
With "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?," PBS has produced a
funny, frenetic, half hour of weekday television on a subject that
often has been considered boring even by teachers.
"I'm kind of surprised at how well it's been accepted," said Kate
Taylor, co-executive producer of the show at Boston's WGBH-TV. "It's
been embraced by the educational community, even though it was not
designed as a classroom tool."
Adds Greg Lee, the host: "We don't want to teach kids geography.
We want to motivate them to learn about the world."
On the air since September, the program appears to be catching on
not only with kids but with their parents and teachers. It even has
propelled the career of "Rockapella" the a cappella quartet that
sings and acts through the show.
Taylor said PBS began developing the program several years ago,
even before the National Geographic Society's report on Geographic
Literacy in America found one in four adults couldn't locate the
Pacific Ocean on a map.
"Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" is loosely based on a
computer game of the same name created by Broderbund Software of
California. It is co-produced by WGBH and WQED-Pittsburgh.
In addition to helping youngsters appreciate geography, the
producers had another goal: reaching and holding on to children who
otherwise would abandon public television after outgrowing "Sesame
Street" and"Mr. Rogers."
"It's sort of like a game show, sitcom and mystery all rolled into
one," said Lee, who got his start in kids' television with the
Nickelodeon channel.
The detective-contestants sixth- and seventh-graders must solve
a daily caper. A landmark of some sort has been lifted, perhaps the
Eiffel Tower or maybe the Alaskan pipeline or the Great Pyramid.
The thief is one of master criminal Carmen Sandiego's nefarious
cartoon gang. It might be foul-smelling Top Grunge, smarmy Vic the
Slick or mechanical villain RoboCrook.
The gumshoes must track the crook by deciphering clues during a
Jeopardy-like quiz.
Taylor said PBS and the Corporation for Public Broadcasting have
promised to continue funding for the show, but need at least two
corporate underwriters. No new episodes are planned until March.
Toyota paid $750,000 as last year's lone corporate sponsor, but
Toyota North America executive Akikazu Kida said the company has not
decided whether to continue support.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 16:11:57 -0800
From: brian@UCSD.EDU (Brian Kantor)
Subject: love poems
To: spaf
>From caveat@jethro.Corp.Sun.COM in alt.skinheads
Ok, I need some help. As we all know, Valentine's Day is coming up.
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO GET MY LOVEY!!!!
I've been thinking up some rhymes though....tell me what you think.
Roses are red,
virgins are pure,
and you smell,
like a pile of manure.
You're the mod who stole my heart,
and for you my legs will part.
Sand is dry,
the sea is wet,
a piece of me
you'd always get.
I've got the power,
you've got the soul,
your head is shaped like a bowl.
If you're hungry
On this Valentines day
Won't you take a bite
of my fish fillet?
Guys (and gals) I need help, as you can see. [Fer sure! --spaf]
Emily
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 10:59:49 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Man Can't Have Head Frozen
To: yucks-request
VENTURA, Calif. (AP)
A state appeals court Wednesday rejected a terminally ill
mathematician's request to have his head frozen before death in hopes
scientists one day could cure his brain tumor.
Though California law doesn't forbid suicide, Thomas Donaldson
"has no constitutional right to a state-assisted death," the 2nd
District Court of Appeal said in a 3-0 ruling.
The court also said it couldn't prohibit the criminal prosecution
of a cryonics company president if he helped Donaldson in ending his
life.
Donaldson, a Sunnyvale-based computer consultant, said in his
lawsuit that he has a malignant, inoperable brain tumor that will
bring on an increasingly vegetative state. He said he has about 18
months to live.
The lawsuit sought court approval to allow Donaldson to have his
head quick-frozen before death by the Riverside-based Alcor Life
Extension Foundation. His head would be placed in a steel receptacle
filled with liquid nitrogen.
Donaldson sought an order shielding company president Carlos
Mondragon from prosecution for homicide or aiding in a suicide.
"No one's saying that he doesn't have a right to suicide," said
Deputy Attorney General Kristofer Jorstad, who argued against the
suit. "He can take a gun and point it at his own chest and pull the
trigger. He just can't hand the gun to a friend and say, `You pull
the trigger.' That's Murder 1."
Donaldson said at a 1990 court hearing in the case that he
believed scientists eventually would be able to remove the tumor
safely, then use his cells to create a new body.
A lower court rejected Donaldson's suit in 1990, saying the
legally recognized right to refuse medical treatment didn't protect
those who froze a person before death. The appeals court agreed.
Donaldson has said he'd appeal any unfavorable ruling.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:56:22 PST
From: uunet!valid!superman!jay (Jay Blackwood)
Subject: Man jailed for writing a check on men's underwear
To: jackh@sun.com, jclee@mlb.semi.harris.com, john@mlb.semi.harris.com,
DRUMMONE, Mont. (AP) --- A judge wasn't
amused by a motorist who protested a speeding ticket
by paying his $35 fine with a check written on men's underwear.
She sentenced him to a brief stay in jail.
"I do have a broad mind and a good sense of humor.
However, this was not funny." said Dayle Hill,
the Granite County justice of the peace.
Barry Lee Brown, 38, got the speeding ticket Dec.
15. On Dec 20, he mailed in the check, drawn in felt-tip
pen on a pair of laundered men's underwear.
Hill cited Brown for contempt of court and fined him $100.
But he failed to show up for a hearing. Hill issued a
warrant for Brown's arrest, and he spend the night of Jan. 12
in jail.
Western Federal Savings and Loan in Missoula honored
the check after Hill brought it to the bank herself --
a 50 mile drive. She endorsed the briefs at the bank.
"I have never been so shocked in my life," Hill said.
Brown didn't return a telephone call for comment,
but Hill said that he apologized.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 10:31:31 PST
From: sfisher@wsl.dec.com
Subject: Official Notification
Well, I guess I can hide it from myself no longer.
I am officially a Geek.
Now, I know that there are no doubt many of you who've suspected
this for a long time, but it finally sank through last night. I
was relaxing after having cooked and eaten dinner (at least I got
the order correct), and Kim got up to put the leftovers in a
container.
"Hey, would you like these for lunch tomorrow?" she asked.
"Sure," I said. "Just wrap them up and I'll pop them in the
uwave at work."
Horrified, I stopped. I had actually used the word "uwave" in
speech. I mean, I've seen it (and uproc etc.) in mail and on
the net, and I've probably even typed it, but using it in casual
conversation with my family...
This is far, far worse than the time that I had breakfast with
six friends and ex-co-workers who all addressed one another on a
routine basis by our logins. It's even worse than trying to get the
announcers to say "Team DOT Net" at autocrosses. This is the final
slide into the pit, I'm afraid.
Now that I've come out, what do I do? I mean, should I start some
kind of twelve-step program to get me out of it? Or should I ask
for a raise?
------------------------------
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Oh my God, ther are here! Messages from the NET......
To: someone
THIS INFORMATION COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE AND FREEDOM
THE COMING "OFFICIAL" ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE ALIEN PRESENCE ON EARTH
WHY "STAR WARS", THE HUBBLE SPACE TELSCOPE,THE SUDDEN FALL OF COMMUNISM?
What is going on? Something very sinister is going on. Polls reveal that
over 90% of the americans people believe in UFO's and 95% of these people
believe the government is keeping this knowledge from the public. But Why?
Are they afraid the people will panic if an "Official" announcement were
made? Hardly. Such an announcement would create interest and excitement and
many questions, particularly by the churches, but do not panic. Why then the
continued cover-up?
There is overwhelming evidence in the past several years from "Whistle
Blowers" retired military officers who have finally said, "Enough is enough!
It's time the government told the people the truth!" These officers, such as
Navy Intelligence officer, William Cooper, Major John Lear (whose father
founded the Lear Jet Corp.) and Air Force officer William English, to name
but a few, have all discovered the truth, and at the risk of their very
lives, are trying to alert YOU to the secrets behind the UFO's and the Alien
Presence on this earth. These people worked on the secret projects, had
access to 'classified' Top Secret documents , had seen with there own eyes
'captured' aliens, or extreterrestrial entities, UFO's and the incredible
technology they brought with them.
Sightings of UFO's have been reported throughout history, and biblical and
historic references to "Flaming Chariots" huge flying 'birds' and odd looking
beings predate our history by thousands of years. In the 1940's several
alien spacecraft were recovered by the U.S. and other countries, along with a
few dead aliens and one live one they named EBE (a name suggested by
Dr.Vannever Bush and was short for Extraterrestrail Biolgical Entity).
In 1953 astronomers discoverd large objects in space which were moving toward
earth. At first they believed they were asteroids, but later evidence proved
the objects could only be spaceships. Project Sigma and Project Plato
intercepted alien radio communication and using the computer binary language,
was able to arrange a landing that resulted in face-to-face contact with
alien beings from another planet. Meanwhile, a race of human-looking aliens
contacted the U.S. Government, warning us that the aliens orbiting the
equator were hostile beings from Orion. These human-type aliens demanded we
dismantle and destroy our nuclear weapons, that we were on a path of
self-destruction and we must stop killing each other, stop polluting the
earth, stop raping the earths natural resources and learn to live in harmony
with one another. President Eisenhower rejected these demands.
Later in 1954 the race of aliens, known as Greys, from Zeta Reticuli area in
space, who had been orbiting the equator, landed at Holloman Air Force base.
they stated their planet was dying and needed quarters on earth to conduct
genetic experiments theat might allow their race to survive; this in exchange
for certain technology. President Eisenhower met with the aliens and a
formal treaty was signed. The treaty stated the aliens would not interfere
in our affairs and we would not interfere in theirs. We would keep their
presence on earth secret; they would furnish us with advanced technology.
They could abduct humans on a limited basis for the purpose of medical
examination and monitoring, with the stipulation that the humans would not be
harmed, would be returned to their point of abduction, that the humans have
no memory of the event. It was also agreed the alien bases would be
constructed underground, beneath Indian reservations in the 4 corners area of
Utah, New Mexico, Arizona and Colorado. Another was to be constructed in
Nevada in the area known as S-4, about 7 miles south of area 51, known as
'Dreamland'. A multi-billion dollar secret fund was organized and kept by
the Military Office of the White House, supposedly to build secret
underground sites for the President and the staff in case of military
attacks.
By secret Executive Memorandum, NSC5410, Eisenhower established a permanent
committee known as "Majority Twelve" (MJ12) to oversee and conduct all covert
activities with the aliens. This included FBI director J. Edgar Hoover and
six leaders of the 'Council on Foreign Relations, known as the 'Wise Men' and
later others from the Trilateral Commision. George Bush, Gordon Dean, and
Brzezinski were among them.
A major finding of the commision was the aliens were using humans and animals
for a source on glandular secretions, enzymes, hormonal secretions, blood and
in horrible genetic experiments. The aliens explained these actions as
necessary for their survival, that if their genetic structure were not
improved, their race would cease to exist.
The ruling powers decided that one means of funding the alien project was to
corner the illegal drug market. A young ambitious member of the Council on
Foreign Relations was approached. His name is George Bush who at the time
was preident and CEO of Zapata Oil Co. based in Texas. Zapata Oil was
experimenting with offshore oil drilling and it was arranged that the drugs
could be shipped from South America to the offshore platforms by fishing
boats, then transferred to the U.S. shore by normal transportation, thus
avoiding search by customs agents. The plan worked better than anyone
expected, and today the CIA controls all the world's illegal drug markets.
One should remember, it was George Bush who first started selling drugs to
our children. The drug money was used to finance the deep underground alien
bases.
Conclusions: the Bilderburgers, the Council on Foreign Relations and the
Trilateral Commision are the SECRET GOVERNMENT and rule this nation through
MJ-12 and the study group known as the Jason Society.
Throughout history the aliens have manipulated and/or ruled the human race
through various secret societies, religion and the occult. The CFR and the
Trilateral Commision are in complete control of the alien technology and the
nation's economy. Eisenhower was the last president to know the entire
overview of the alien problem. Succeeding presidents were told only what
MJ-12 wanted them to know, and it was NOT the truth. MJ-12 presented each
new president with a picture of a lost alien culture seeking to renew itself,
build a home on this planet and shower us with gifts of technology. Each
president has bought the story hook, line, and sinker. Meanwhile, innocent
people continue to suffer unspeakable horrors at the handsof alien and human
scientists who are engaged in barbarous research that would make the Nazis
pale in comparison. As if that is not enough, many people end up as food for
the insatiable alien appetite for biological enzymes, hormonal secretions and
blood. At least 1 in every 40 Americans have been implanted with alien
devices that are used to control them if necessity calls.
By 1989 over 3 million 'Greys' are occupying these deep multi-level
underground complexes. Level 7 at Dulce is called "Nightmare Hall". They
have welched on their agreement on abducting humans; today over 25 million
citizens have been abducted and implanted, a literal army awaiting oreders to
march! (Whitley Strieber has written bestselling on his personal expierience
as have many others). For this reason other nations were informed. Within 5
months the communist monolith Russia was dismantled to unite with the U.S.
and it's technology to fight the invasion. The Hubble Space Telescope was
created to keep a watchful eye on the invasion fleet; Star Wars technology
has been developed to hopefully stop them in outer space before they can get
to the earth.
Today, the government is on the horns of a dilemma. Too may sources are
releasing alien information. The public could get angry at continued
secrecy. So MJ-12 plans soon to make an "Official" announcement, under
controlled conditions, probably Area 51. Network TV will be called to meet
the staged 'landing' of the aliens, these being the Greys. They will come
bearing gifts, technology that supposedly will heal Cancer and AIDS, retard
aging, etc. They will tell us they are 'saviors of humanity' who have come
to defend the earth against an invasion of man-eating aliens called Reptoids.
This story is a LIE, they already work for the Reptoids! Their plan is to
unify the world into a One-world Government, a 'New World Order' with the
argument that only this can defeat the invasion by Reptoids. This is a trap
to enslave the world's population. Control will be accomplished through the
money system, a universal currency controlled by certain international
bankers, who for years have been lackeys of the aliens, who seized upon their
greed and lust for wealth and power as a means to bring about their evil plan
to control the earth. (This also being the scenario predicted in the Bible's
'Book of Revelation' wherein only those who accept the Mark of the Beast (the
aliens being the 'Beast' and the 'Mark' being some sort of laser tattoo or
Credit Card they will use, which will allow people to buy and sell goods).
Those who do not accept this 'Mark' must live outside the money system and
survive somehow on their own, through barter etc.
SO BE AWARE! ONLY YOUR KNOWLEDGE OF THIS FAKE INVASION AND FAKE RAPTURE CAN
PREVENT IT FROM HAPPENING. DEMAND THE TRUTH FROM YOUR GOVERNMENT. TELL THEM
YOU KNOW ABOUT THE ALIENS AND THAT THERE ARE GOOD ALIENS AND BAD ALIENSAND
THAT MJ-12 IS PROMOTING THE BAD ALIENS AND THE ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT THEY HOPE
TO CONTROL.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 10:14:25 PST
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: our man in nirvana
To: spaf
(multiple forwarding headers removed)
Subject: give... him... a sed-a-give??
Subject: This is truely frightening...
Subj: Can the button still be activated?
Subj: Just when you thought nothing more could happen
Mind-altering substances are fine, I guess, as long as they're legal and
taken *after* you've won the election. Just don't admit to having done
pot while in college during the 70's, and you too can become President.
<---- begin included message --->
The following appeared in The New York Times on Wednesday, January 22, 1992.
Our Man in Nirvana
- by Benjamin J. Stein
- Bush takes a strong sedative. Too strong. -
(Malibu, Calif.) In the first weeks of August 1974, when I was a speechwriter
for President Richard Nixon, I walked into the office of the White House
physician, next door to the White House. As I asked for some allergy medicine,
I noticed a surgical-steel tray laden with filled syringes, their needles
dripping. Next to them was a vial of a potent chlorpromazine tranquilizer.
I knew the corpsman who was loading the tray and I asked him what it was all
about. He said is was for someone "over there," jerking his thumb toward the
White House. He would not tell me who was getting shots of tranquilizers in
those final days of the Administration. He said only that it was "someone who
needs to have his head clear, and won't."
This all comes to mind with the news that President Bush has been taking
powerful benzodiazepene sedation in the form of the prescription drug Halcion
when he travels. It was also revealed over a year ago that the Secretary of
State, James A. Baker, had taken Halcion when he went to conferences overseas.
These are scary tidings. Halcion is the most terrifying drug I have ever used,
and its effects are incalculably more frightening when they are at work on the
President. I have been taking prescription tranquilizers sine 1966. I have
used almost every kind imaginable: phenothiazines, chlorpromazines and others
I cannot recall. But Halcion, a chemical first-cousin to the tranquilizer
Xanax, is in a class by itself for mind-altering side effects. It is not a
classic sedative, which basically just slow things down. No, benzodiazepenes
are described by Halcon's maker, the Upjohn Company, as "anxiolytics," meaning
they literally cut the anxiety in your brain.
When Halcion hits you, it's as if an angel of the Lord appears in your bedroom
and tells you that nothing is important, that everything you were worried about
is happening on Mars and that nirvana, Lethe and the warm arms of mother are
all waiting for you. People who have used heroin tell me Halcion is better
than heroin for making bad thoughts simply disappear.
The flip side is that in my experience, as in the cases of many men and women
I talk with every day in a program that helps people get off drugs, Halcion
took up residence in my head. It does not just do its magic and then disappear.
Without it, sleep is almost impossible. I felt depressed and often suicidal
for days after taking it and more or less permanently depressed if I took it
continuously.
It clouds judgment and forecloses careful analysis. It makes the user
alternately supremely confident and then panicky with as unnameable dread.
It causes intense, truly terrifying forgetfulness, as well as a serene bliss
about that forgetfulness.
A friend of mine took a small dose of Halcion - less than what the President
is reported to take - and then carried a gun through a metal detector at an
airport. He had forgotten not only that he had a gun with him but also that
guns are illegal at airports. Another friend, a lawyer, repeatedly failed to
show up at her own depositions when she had taken Halcion the night before.
Halcion is serious medicine. When the President takes it, it's not just a
matter between a civil servant and his physician. It's questionable whether
the physician should even prescribe it, considering that it is banned in
England and is the subject of major litigation and controversy over its side-
effects in the U.S. and around the world.
A President with a chemical between himself and reality is the last thing
America needs. It's the plot of a suspense novel, not the stewardship that
real life and real problems need.
Wake up, Mr. President, we need you on the job. And if you need the drug to
sleep when you travel, maybe you should just stay home.
- (Benjamin J. Stein is a lawyer, writer and actor.) -
<---- end included message ---->
[With all the drug smuggling and aliens taking over the Earth, no
wonder he needs powerful sedatives! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 23:27:38 -0500
From: dls@mentor.cc.purdue.edu
Subject: Package 1040-5 (including Schedules A, R, N, and I)
To: arni
["arni" is an alias for a group of people on campus who have a sort of
floating pizza party that meets at a place called Arni's on Friday
nights. Each week, there is some kind of announcement like this to get
a headcount. This is one of the better ones. --spaf]
A Note From the Commissioner (with a little help from Fred T. Goldberg, Jr)
Dear Arniphile:
I thank each of you for reading this letter and doing your part to
keep our ACK system the finest in the world. It works well because so many
of you do your best to play your fair share. As commies around the world
embrace our consumer goods and services market, it is a reminder that pizza
in a free country can only be financed through heavy taxes on the public,
and especially those that actually work for a living.
You have every right to demand that we deliver. 30 minutes, or 3
dollars off. I think we're making progress. With your support, and oversight,
we'll get there. Don't settle for less.
(scribble scribble scribble)
David L. Stevens, Jr.
=====
Recycling
The ACK forms and instructions you received are printed on recyclable
computer screens. If your computing center has a cycling program, please join
and lose some of those extra pounds.
=====
Fast Filing
Last time, over 7 people filed their ACK returns electronically by
computer. Electronic filing is a fast and accurate way to file your return
with the DLS. If you are expecting a refund, it will be issued within three
weeks of hell freezing over. If you have your refund deposited directly into
my savings or checking account, you could receive your money even faster.
======
Do I Have to File?
Use Chart A on this page to see if you must file a return. But you must use
Chart B on page 8 if your parent (or someone else) can claim you as a dependent
on his or her return. Also see Chart C on page 8, since we took so much time
making it line up right.
Chart A-- For Most People (but Chart Q for some)
===============================================================================
Marital Status Filing Status Age going/must file
Single Single under 65 YES/YES
Single, living with Emotionally Disturbed over 12 YES or NO/NO
farm animal
Married and living Married old enough YES/YES
with someone's spouse
Single, attractive Babe 18-25 CALL for
female instructions
Single, male Single over 18 bring your own
==============================================================================
Chart B-- For Most Livestock
===============================================================================
Just ACK if you'll be there, already!
==============================================================================
Where Should I File?
If an addressed envelope came with your return, you're really screwed
up because this is e-mail. Arninight is always at Arni's, bozo.
======
When Should I File?
Sometime before 6 on Friday, January 31st. Payments must be received
by 6:30 at Arni's.
======
Thank you for supporting your Federal ACK service.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jan 92 12:30:23 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: POTD
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
What's a designer user interface?
A Gucci GUI.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 92 13:00:01 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Probably urban, but for your files...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Herb Caen:
"We're still trying to check this, but around USAir, staffers are
circulating the story of an employee last-named Gay who boarded a USAir
flight with a non-revenue ticket. Finding the seat assigned to him
occupied by a paying passenger, he slipped into an empty one a couple
of rows back. Then, due to a mechanical delay on another flight, the
plane began filing up so the gate agent came aboard to get all
non-paying passengers off. Stopping at the seat assigned to Mr. Gay,
he said to the man, "Are you Gay?" Looking startled, the man nodded,
at which the agent said, "Then you'll have to get off." Mr. Gay,
hearing this, called out to the agent, "You've got the wrong man --
*I'm* Gay." Whereupon a young man seated across the aisle leaped to
his feet and announced, "Hell, I'm gay, too--they can't kick us *all*
off!"
------------------------------
Date: 29 Jan 92 09:30:06 GMT
From: ajw@watson.hf.intel.com (Alan Waldock)
Subject: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From the Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide, p.35:
"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a
correction and can even makes some changes for you."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 13:19:43 EST
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@uther.cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Quote for the Day
To: nobody
From my Curmudgeon Calendar:
"Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious."
Brendan Gill
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 23:17:53 EST
From: Roger Lustig <roger@phoenix.Princeton.EDU>
Subject: Real men
Driving through downtown New Brunswick last weekend, Juliet and I were
taken aback by a huge billboard:
Five men, a doctor, a basketball player, an astronaut, etc;
and the legend:
REAL MEN DON'T USE PORN.
So, what DO they use? Hookers, I guess.
Or perhaps it was just an ad from the English Teachers Union, asking
us all to do more freestyle fantasizing...
No, really. Right at the corner of Easton and Albany, along the viaduct.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 92 18:09:34 -0500
From: genek@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (Gene Kim)
Subject: Reasons behind aircraft crashes
To: spaf
>From comp.risks Fri Jan 24 17:35:07 1992
>Date: 23 Jan 1992 15:04:47 GMT
>Subject: Speculation on latest A-320 crash: why?
>From: ken@minster.york.ac.uk
>Newsgroups: comp.risks
[response to a diatribe on ``fly-by-wire failings'' removed... --genek]
>Finally, I would like to quote an `expert' on aviation who in a recent TV
>interview said that "the common theme to all three of the A320 crashes is
>lack of altitude".
>
>Ken Tindell, Computer Science Dept., York University, YO1 5DD, UK +44-904-433244 ..!mcsun!uknet!minster!ken
>
This seems to be a common theme in crashes of many other types of
aircraft, too. In fact, I can think of only two exceptions. There
have been instances of two aircraft colliding due to ``lack of empty
airspace,'' and the case of the Hindenberg, which was because of
``lack of inertness.''
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jan 92 14:16:22 -0500
From: paul%dblegl.UUCP@mathcs.emory.edu (Paul D. Manno)
Subject: Stretches a little too far
To: spaf
Heard on a local radio station:
>From the person who dropped a rubber band into his
computer and all it will do now is make snap decisions...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 31 Jan 92 07:41:29 CST
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: Your Average American Day
To: yucks
ON AN AVERAGE DAY IN AMERICA:
... 10,501 Americans are born ... 5,937 Americans die
... 6,567 couples are married ... 3,197 couples are divorced
... 217 sets of twins are born ... 5 sets of triplets are born
... American children watch 3.5 hours of television
during which time they will see:
5 beer and wine commercials
33 acts of violence
38 sexual references and innuendos
... Americans spend $2,054,795 on baby food
$5,845,205 on cat food
$8,550,685 on dog food
... the nations's trash consists of:
4,383,562 disposable pens
5,479,452 disposable razors
43,835,616 disposable diapers
... men spend 15 minutes preparing meals ... women spend 51 minutes
... men spend 26 minutes cleaning house ... women spend 59 minutes
... men spend 20 minutes shopping ... women spend 38 minutes
... 101,280,321 Americans adults are on diets
41,017,707 are men
60,262,614 are women
... 2,739,726 Dunkin' Donuts are served
... Americans eat 24,657,534 hotdogs
... Americans drink 524,000,000 servings of Coca-Cola
... 965,000 Americans drink Coke for breakfast
... 17,000,000 Tootsie Rolls are produced
... 100,000,000 M&M's are sold
30,000,000 are brown
20,000,000 are red
20,000,000 are yellow
10,000,000 are orange
20,000,000 are ?? lost ??
... Americans spend $2,021,918 on home exercise equipment
$13,698,630 on health club memberships
$3,561,644 on tortilla chips
$10,410,959 on potato chips
$21,917,808 on snack food
... 958,904,110 photocopies are made
Of these, 356,164,384 are unnecessary
$7,123,288 is wasted making unnecessary photocopies
... Americans travel 1,144,720,833 miles by air
5,205,479,452 miles by motor vehicle
... 38,356 commercial and private flights are made
2,515,068 taxi trips are made
... 1,225,499 Americans fly in airplanes
3 air-traffic-controller errors are reported
3 near-midair collisions are reported
... AT&T processes 75 million calls
123,288 call are made to 900-number phone-service numbers
Of these, 41,096 are made to dial-a-porn numbers
... 421,643,836 pieces of mail are sent via the U.S. Postal Service
Of these, 163,652,597 pieces are direct-mail advertising
... 2,982,192 Americans attend a movie
6,301,370 videos are rented
... 41,506,849 pictures are taken
1,183,562 are taken on Disney property
... 11 persons report cases of ghost sightings, hauntings, or poltergeists
10 persons report cases of UFO sightings
1 person claims to have sighted Elvis Presley
... the president of the United States earns $547.95
the estate of Marilyn Monroe earns $2,739.73
the estate of Elvis Presley earns $41,095.89
Bill Cosby earns $95,890.41
Michael Jackson earns $164,383.56
... 3,502 fifth-graders fall in love....
ALL IN AN AVERAGE DAY !
Excerpted from "On An Average Day" by Tom Heymann published by Fawcett 1989
Sources listed for all statistics
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------