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Yucks Digest V2 #5
Yucks Digest Sat, 18 Jan 92 Volume 2 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
Beirut University College Open positions
Bush Haiku
Cheap at half the price
Fruit and flower smells good for computer operators
golfing
Grab bag -- msgs from other categories
Hazards of confusing mail and news, round II
HUMOR: Technical Redefinitions
Molasses Demon Theory application time!
National Battery Ingestion Hotline
Obscure physics joke.
Quote for the day
Sell California, Mechanics Say
spaf's list: garry trudeaux
The boys have been out there too long...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 17:14:17 -0500
From: wex@pws.ma30.bull.com
Subject: Beirut University College Open positions
To: spaf
This is apparently serious (except for my insertions)!
From: madelein@scrap.sybase.com
Newsgroups: soc.culture.lebanon,misc.jobs.offered
Date: 14 Jan 92 22:33:04 GMT
Reply-To: madelein@scrap.sybase.com ()
Organization: Sybase, Inc.
B E I R U T U N I V E R S I T Y C O L L E G E
BEIRUT, LEBANON
Beirut University College in Beirut, Lebanon is seeking
applicants, preferably with Ph.D.'s, to teach in the following fields:
1. Computer Science, software engineering, specifically.
[As, for example, the engineering of a system to track who's fighting for
which side this week.]
2. Business Studies
Management
Banking
Finance
Accounting
Economics
[All useful in the efficient collection and investment of ransom money]
3. Psychology
[As we all know, captors tend to develop attachments to their captives,
which can be a real hindrance when you want to kick someone in the head.]
4. Communication Arts
[Designing communiques, press releases, and amateur videotapes are
priorities, one assumes.]
5. Interior Design
[In particular, experience in the use of high explosives in this field would
be a qualification.]
6. Cultural Studies
[Running-dog Yanqui imperialistic culteral overlords need not apply]
7. English language and literature
[Bwahahahaha!! Like, maybe, Satanic Verses?]
U.S. citizens are not encourage to apply at the present time
because of the temporary restrictions by the U.S. government
on travel to Lebanon.
[and not because you might be KIDNAPPED and held for YEARS chained to a
WALL.]
Salaries are competitive and dependent on qualifications and
experience.
[Medical and life insurance benefits are probably pretty good, too.]
Send c.v. to: Dr. Raja Hajjar
Academic Dean
Beirut University College
475 Riverside Drive, Room 1846
New York, NY 10115-0065
Or
Call BUC office in New York,
Tel: (212)870-2592
ask for Margaret Bianchi
BUC office- New York Fax:
(212)870-2762
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Please, do not reply to this e-mail.
Thanks,
Madeleine.
[OK, Maddy. I restrained myself from replying. Couldn't resist sending an
annotated copy to the YUCKsters, tho'.]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 17:33 EST
From: wolit@mhuxd.att.com
Subject: Bush Haiku
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
A bunch of us here decided that the best way to celebrate the President's
recent Asian trip would be with traditional Japanese haiku poetry. After
24 hours, we collected 50 contributions, and have been forced to give it
up only because we are tired of thinking about everything in terms of
3-line verses, and counting syllables on our fingers.
In the midst of the haiku frenzy, I read on the AP newswire that Empress
Michiko, Emperor Akihito, et al., just held their annual traditional
poetry reading, including 19,000 entries, of which only 36 were from the
United States. Clearly, this coincidence is a sign of something
important. Moments later, a second story came down the wire, telling of
the latest Japanese TV star, a 6-year old macaque monkey whose act
includes "closing his eyes and keeling over in a convincing swoon" when
his trainer calls, "Bush-san, Bush-san." Talk about auspicious augeries!
Our Prez, the Oil Man,
Retches, Gurgles, Disgorges
Upwards like Black Gold.
George Bush, vomiting,
Recapitulates the sick
Body politic.
George Bush's idea
Of our National Output?
Sushi with Soy Sauce?
We would love to trade,
But hold all the MSG.
Excuse the mess, please.
Bush goes to Japan.
Looses tennis, lunch and face.
Winter of vomit.
Trip not working out.
Natives resist my begging.
I could just throw up.
I beg, I pander,
I let them win at tennis.
But later I gag.
Bush-san slumps and falls.
Was it broccoli sushi?
The vomit thing, live.
Does puking mid-course
Entitle flu-ridden George
To a prezzie bag?
Read my lips, he said.
But don't peruse too closely.
You'll get a shower.
A thousand points of
Something spew from Bush's lips,
Splashing in the soup.
This time Mister Bush
Vomits up gobbits of food
Instead of falsehoods.
George Bush blows chow. Main
Nipponese Shogun peeved. But
George is sans sushi.
Puke on camera.
A great idea, George, for
Your next photo op.
Access makes our hearts
Grow fonder. But Bush gag brings
More cars like Honda.
Scatological
Insights into Prez George Bush
Bring up our best words.
George plugs our service
Economy. Drums up new
Dry-cleaning business.
Underachievement.
Bush and economy sick.
Barf Simpson for Prez.
Hey, Prime Minister:
Uhhhgggg -- TORA! TORA! TORA!
Pearl Vomit Thing.
All this talk of Bush
Begins to make me nauseous.
I think I'll throw up.
Fifty years ago,
Shot down by the Japanese,
Bush still brings it up.
Self-Defining Time!
Bush Announces Raison d'Etre:
Vomo Ergo Sum.
Bush tosses cookies.
Stateside, we blush and snicker,
And buy a Honda.
Haiku Poetry
Interprets daily headlines:
Goes from bad to verse.
As I was saying,
Miyazawa, open up,
Or I'll have to...vwaaaap!
Puking on allies:
Is this George's idea of
A New World Ordure?
A New World Order.
Trade deficit increases.
Bush pukes and withers.
George, please to explain
The expression, "Getting your
Second nickel's worth."
A frog jumps into
The ancient pond -- the sound like
George Bush hitting deck.
If trade deficit
Sickens Bush, just wait until
November the Third.
In the Land of the
Rising Sun, the news is that
George's gorge is, too.
Bush blows chow at big
Banquet bash. Barfs before bombe.
Film at eleven.
How can I express
My amusement in just se-
venteen syllables?
Economy dips.
Car makers falter. Bush slides
under the table.
A sick president,
Mirror of his country's ills,
Turns fete into farce.
Somehow it's fitting --
Bush forced to leave the table
Before his dessert.
"To get attention,"
Says the tottering old man.
His faint was no feint!
Grownups: "Eat your meal!
You may become president!"
See where it gets them!!!
Bush plummets, strength gone,
A rotting pear in winter,
Oozing fetid juice.
Oh, George, really! Where
Did you learn your etiquette --
From me or Millie?
Wimp factor he fought
With war. Stopping foul stench may
Be trickier to quell.
Georgie produces
Alas only his juices.
Prep U.S. nooses.
Bush now understands
Why Teenage Ninja Turtles
Just stick to pizza.
Unemployment lines
Worse news for Republicans
Than day-old sushi.
Bleeee--aaahhh---uggggg--gaaahk--fleehk!
American Century
Ends on those high notes.
A new world order.
Ancient japanese hors d'oeuvre.
Bush stomach weakens.
Miyazawa-san
Lends Bush, in his hour of need,
A seppukku knife.
On an old dais,
George alone is falling off
The State Dinner now.
Let us discuss trade:
America is nauseous.
Vomo Vomare.
Our George stands with Dan.
Two Bush Birds worth one in hand.
Arkansas save us!
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jan 92 08:20:07 GMT
From: Peter.Vanderlinden@eng.sun.com (Peter van der Linden)
Subject: Cheap at half the price
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Gallows humor from IBM's Research Division:
Allegedly appeared in the "For Sale" columns of a NY state newspaper
FOR SALE: To qualified buyer or wealthy eccentric: Research
Division of former multinational company. Hardly used.
Guaranteed cure for obscene profits or other bottom line
imbalances. $300,000,000 or best offer. Inquire Armonk, N. Y.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 16:23:49 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Fruit and flower smells good for computer operators
To: yucks-request
moscow january 13 tass
- by tass correspondent lyubov dunayeva: Overloads to computer
operators, who have to spend hours before displays every day, can be
eased if the air in the room issaturated with the smells of fruit and
flowers, psychologists say. Expert experiments have shown that
the scent of lemon, jasmine or eucalyptus boost productivity and
alleviate drowsiness. The jasmine smell in a computer room
reduces keyboard errors by almost 30 per cent, and lemon aroma by
almost 50 per cent, tass was told at a surgery research center of the
russian academyof sciences.
------------------------------
Date: 15 Jan 92 00:30:05 GMT
From: cak@inel.gov
Subject: golfing
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
This is a true incident that happened to my cousin, Steve.
--
Steve is an avid golfer. Goes to tournaments, golfs every weekend, LIVES
for golf. Normally plays very good. However, Steve tells of one game,
about half way through, when his score went right down the toilet. He
was playing pretty good until...
Steve had recently moved from out-of-state to Boise, Idaho. One weekend as
he played a round of golf on one of the more popular courses in town, he
caught up with two other golfers on the course. Steve asked if they would
mind if he "played through" and got ahead of them. The older man, seeing that
Steve was by himself, invited Steve to join them and play as a group. Steve
thought that that would be alright, introduced himself, "Hello, I'm Steve
Welker." and offered his hand.
The older gentleman shook it and said, "Hello, Steve. I'm John Evans and
this is my son." and he introduced the younger man with him.
They started to play the next hole. John said, "Where are you from, Steve?
You new here in Idaho?"
Steve remarked that as-a-matter-of-fact he had just moved into Idaho from
Portland, Oregon where he had been most of his life.
John asked, "What do you do here in Idaho, Steve?"
Steve replied, "Well, I'm a private investigator. I investigate cases of
insurance fraud and court settlements." Steve went on to talk about some of
the things he had done, crawling through underbrush for hours with a camera
to take pictures of a "handicapped" man hauling wood, a prostitute that was
suing in an auto accident case, and such. (But those are another story.)
After a bit, though, Steve felt guilty because he had been doing all the
talking, he said, "What do you do, John?"
John's face got one of those 'I-thought-you-would-never-ask' looks as he
said, "Well, Steve, I'm the Governor of Idaho!"
And it is at that point that Steve's score went down the toilet.
[I've had days like that. Sometimes, whole months.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: 17 Jan 92 08:20:08 GMT
From: A.ROBERTS17@genie.com (Walkin Dude)
Subject: Grab bag -- msgs from other categories
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Ways to be Offensive at a Funeral
1. Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make
love with you.
2. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find
your contact lens.
3. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
4. Tell the widow that you're the deceasd's gay lover.
5. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the
deceased.
6. At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.
7. Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're
not in it.
8. Ask the widow to give you a kiss.
9. Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.
10. Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can
sneak him into the coffin.
11. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
12. Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.
13. Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.
14. Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will
can be read before the funeral is over.
15. Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor
who can't afford firewood.
16. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
17. Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.
18. Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.
19. Take up a collection to pay off the deceased' gambling debts.
20. Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on.
21. Put crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
22. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
23. If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.
24. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's
mouth.
25. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream
"MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
26. At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
27. Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.
28. Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.
29. Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for
back-taxes.
30. Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face
while praising the deceased.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 15:15:33 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: Hazards of confusing mail and news, round II
To: yucks
I think it's reasonable to guess that this was NOT intended
for a worldwide audience...
---Rsk
> From: axmap@acad2.alaska.edu
> Newsgroups: rec.arts.poems
> Subject: EARING
> Date: 31 Oct 91 21:33:43 GMT
> Organization: University of Alaska
> Nntp-Posting-Host: acad2.alaska.edu
>
> I was cleaning under my bed today and found an earing you left. It must of come
> off the other night. As I held it, your fragrance drifted up to me and I was
> whisked back to the moment when we both lay sweating, exhausted, and still in
> each others arms.
>
> What I was wondering was, do you want to come over and lose the other one?
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 92 11:54:30 PST
From: ck@Rational.COM
Subject: HUMOR: Technical Redefinitions
[.. a long set of "redistibuted" headers were removed.... --spaf]
An alternate view of the universe
beta test, v.
To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's
sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all
three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta
test volcanos.
bit, n.
A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color
refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25
cent, or two-bit, color that used to be available a few years
ago.
buzzword, n.
The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
clone, n.
1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their
product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is
a clone of our product."
enhance, v.
To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
genlock, n.
Why he stays in the bottle.
guru, n.
A computer owner who can read the manual.
handshaking protocol, n.
A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
italic, adj.
Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to
Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are
often slanted to the left.
Japan, n.
A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic
imperialists create electronic equipment and computers using
black magic. It is said that in the capital city of
Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and semiconductor
chips grow on low bushes from which they are harvested by the
happy natives.
kern, v.
1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear
of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small,
metal object used as part of the monetary system.
modem, adj.
Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An
unfortunate byproduct of kerning.
pixel, n.
A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen
displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from
mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the
demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the
marketing department.
prototype, n.
First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, folowed
by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release
version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its
successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
revolutionary, adj.
Repackaged.
Unix, N.
A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
with the workstation harem.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 15:18:58 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: Molasses Demon Theory application time!
To: yucks
Those of you who have read the Molasses Demon Theory [Yucks, vol 1,
#103] will now have a chance to put it to work, viz:
> From: rimajpuz@watsol.waterloo.edu (Rick I. Majpruz)
> Newsgroups: bionet.general,sci.bio,sci.bio.technology,sci.environment,sci.physics,sci.research,talk.environment,talk.origins,uw.general
> Subject: The Origin of Life through Network Evolution
> Date: 13 Jan 92 05:15:06 GMT
> Organization: University of Waterloo
> Lines: 1196
[ Don't worry; I'm not going to subject you to all 1196 lines. ---Rsk ]
> I will read and post to talk.origins so it would be best to post
> responses there. Also, post (don't email) any typos, conceptual errors,
> complaints about hard to read passages, suggestions for improved
> terminology, or anything; this way, I won't get redundant messages for
> the same mistake. And if any of you have contacts with a magazine that
> would like to print this up, *please* get in touch with me. Finally, a
> listing of the contents (arranged into a `*' hierarchy) appears at the
> end of this posting.
>
> I am Rick Ivan Majpruz of Waterloo, Canada. To the fullest extent of
> the law, I hereby claim all intellectual property rights on all nations
> of this Earth for the concepts expressed in this document and derived
> from this document. You may read this document; all other permissions
> are denied. It is now 12:15 AM on Monday, January 13, 1992.
>
> * Title : The Origin of Life through Network Evolution
>
> * abstract
>
> This paper fills in a ***billion year gap*** in our knowledge of the
> world. First, the science of biology is placed on a purely mathematical
> basis. Then it will be shown that evolution began as soon as the oceans
> had cooled enough to support chemical reactions in that chemical soup.
> This evolution was done by having networks of chemicals copy themselves
> in the soup through the process of network evolution. Good network
> functions are retained and built up in the soup. The chemical
> interactions increased in complexity through small changes occuring over
> long periods of time (evolution). Various cellular features arose
> independently and finally merged into what is now called the
> `protocell'. The top level of chemistry was absorbed by a simple cycle
> around DNA. The very process of mutation is a feature that `evolved'.
> But the idea of there being an original protocell is false. Thus
> abiogenesis is an inexact dividing line between, on one hand, a form of
> life not bound by cell walls and, on the other hand, what current
> biological doctrine now considers to be life.
>
> * other useful results
>
> A clear theoretical justification for the *environmental* movement is
> given. A powerful network-based model could probe the interactions of
> diffuse life such as the *AIDS virus*. This gives new mechanism to
> explain *cancer* and *aging* and various so called *genetic diseases*.
> This model suggests powerful new *economic* models to understand the
> effects of innovation, the flow of materials, or many other economic
> activities. And a possible explanation for the filament structure of the
> *universe* is given.
>
> * the network evolution model
>
> For those who haven't taken university level mathematics, all this
> `network' stuff is mathematics. Just watch how logical and methodical
> the material is in this paper; you'll see that simple high-school
> biology, including evolution, has indeed been expressed in a purely
> mathematical fashion.
To paraphrase Arthur Dent, I think he's trying to confuse us to death.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 13:29:37 CST
From: meo@netmail.austin.ibm.com (Miles E O'Neal (Contractor))
Subject: National Battery Ingestion Hotline
To: spaf
Actual transcripts (I'll probably be sued, but not by Trudeau's lawyers)
<RING!>
"National Battery Ingestion Hotline - how may I help you?"
"What sort of wine should I serve with Eveready C cells?"
"How are you planning to serve them?"
"Baked, with a light lemon sauce and green beans on the side."
"Any red wine will do fine. No need for an expensive one"
"Thanks." <click>
<RING!>
"National Battery Ingestion Hotline - how may I help you?"
"My child just swallowed a 6 volt lantern battery. Is there
any danger?"
"No. Whatever you do, don't try to make your child vomit. How old
is the child?"
"Three."
"Thats a big meal for a three year old. No food for 12 hours,
then start checking the stools. When they pass the battery,
they'll be fine."
"What about the electricity? Battery acid?"
"The electricity may cause their belly button to light up. This
can be helpful during a blackout. There's no danger of battery
acid problems as long as they pass the battery within about six
months."
"Thanks." <click>
<RING!>
"National Battery Ingestion Hotline - how may I help you?"
"What's the largest battery ever ingested?"
"Just a moment, please... according to the Guiness Book of World
Records, a San Francisco man once ate a 12 volt, 60 amp Die-Hard
battery whole. Some of the caps came off, releasing the sulfuric
acid, which proceeded to ingest him whole."
"Thanks. YOU WERE RIGHT, HARV! GO FOR IT!" <click>
------------------------------
Date: 14 Jan 92 11:30:04 GMT
From: nweaver@ocf.berkeley.edu (Nicholas Weaver)
Subject: Obscure physics joke.
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Wanted poster in post office in physics land:
Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Scrodinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 18:33 EST
From: Rasch@DOCKMASTER.NCSC.MIL
Subject: Quote for the day
To: spaf
"behind every great fortune is a great crime. . ."
Balzac
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 13 Jan 92 16:24:17 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Sell California, Mechanics Say
To: yucks-request
BOSTON (AP)
Click and Clack, hosts of the national "Car Talk" radio show,
believe Americans will be able to sell a lot of cars in Japan when
they come up with a way to put 10 pounds in a 5-pound bag.
"We have no business trying to sell them cars. They have no use
for our cars because they don't even fit on their roads. They're too
big," said Ray Magliozzi, who teams with fellow
mechanic-philosopher-brother Tom on the popular National Public Radio
show.
Ray, 42, runs the Good News Garage the two started in 1973. The
brothers have been offering advice to troubled car owners for about
16 years. Their show has been on NPR since 1987 and they have a
syndicated column in 125 newspapers.
During an interview Sunday, Ray said he can't understand why
Americans would try to sell cars to Japan.
"We need to sell them things which they don't have. Real estate.
California. I think we should try to sell them California. I mean
it's going to fall into the damn ocean anyway. Let's sell it to them
and they'll get stiffed," he said as he popped a pistachio in his
mouth.
Tom concurred: "You can fit a small thing in a big space, but you
can't fit a big thing in a small space."
The brothers said there have been improvements in American cars.
They cited the Chevrolet Lumina and the Ford Club Wagon. But would
any Japanese person buy one?
"Of course not! It's three times as big as his house. So how can
he buy a Ford Club Wagon unless he wants to live in it. That's it!
We're selling the wrong things. We ought to be selling houses," said
Tom, 54.
"They would buy the Saturn. It's the right size. It's the right
quality. It's the right kind of car. The steering wheel's on the
wrong side, but other than that, maybe we could convince them to
drive the other way," he said of the GM car.
President Bush completed a trade mission to Japan last week.
Japanese negotiators set a target of selling 20,000 more U.S.-made
cars in their country and of buying $19 billion a year in auto parts
from U.S. manufacturers by 1994.
Japan imports about 35,000 U.S.-made cars a year and bought $10
billion in auto parts in 1990.
The future?
"The sad part is that we are at a crossroads. We're trying to make
products that we shouldn't be making anymore...Like the shoe
industry," Ray said. "The truth is that the rest of the world has to
make something, too. We can't make everything."
The brothers, who won't disclose which is Click and which is
Clack, drive Chryslers. Ray had lots of good things to say about his
Caravan, but harsh words for Chrysler chief Lee Iaccoca, who has been
outspoken in criticizing Japan.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 92 11:11:37 EST
From: Mike Godwin <mnemonic@eff.org>
Subject: spaf's list: garry trudeaux
To: spaf
It should be obvious to anyone that this is an attempt by the
Wall Street Journal to smear Trudeau. Whether Trudeau finishes
the artwork is irrelevant; Trudeau writes the jokes.
[My reply to Mike: maybe his is a Journal report on an attempt by
Trudeau not to smear Zonker? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 17 Jan 92 09:20:19 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The boys have been out there too long...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From: robcruic@intacc.uucp (Robert Cruickshank)
>Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.cult-movies,rec.arts.movies
In true AFU fashion, I don't have a reference for this, but I once read an
article about people stationed in Antarctica for 6 month shifts. For
entertainment, they had a bunch of 16mm films: Disney Cartoons, documentaries,
and pornography. After all the films had been seen too many times, they got
out the splicer, and cut all the films up, and made new ones from the pieces.
After watching this long enough, they began speaking in a slang derived from
their creation. When the releif crew finally arrived, they were extermely
puzzled, to say the least...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Jan 92 10:03:23 -0800
From: karn@chicago.Qualcomm.COM (Phil Karn)
To: brian@ucsd.edu, winter@apple.com, yucks
I don't know what the big deal is. All I have to do to hear "heavy
breathing" on my cable TV system in San Diego is to tune to the Playboy
Channel. The video is scrambled, but the audio isn't. --Phil
[This triggered a very odd memory: once at a party many years ago in
Atlanta, we put two TVs next to each other, both hooked to cable. One
had the audio on the Playboy channel, and the other had the video set
to things like CNN and one of the televangelists. The mixture was
great fun.
Now back to our submission, already in progress. --spaf]
Pornographic Soundtrack Broadcast on `Gilligan's Island'
TOLEDO, Ohio (AP) _ A soundtrack from a hard-core pornographic
movie popped up on an episode of ``Gilligan's Island'' broadcast in
Toledo.
The episode, broadcast Tuesday by Fox TV affiliate WUPW, began
with a conversation between Mr. and Mrs. Thurston Howell III. But
instead of their voices, viewers heard the words and sounds from a
porn flick.
``She was very explicit, very detailed of what this man was
doing to her,'' said Kim Brasher, whose two children, ages 3 and 6,
were watching the show and alerted their mother.
``It was gross. It was awful. I couldn't believe it,'' she said.
``I immediately picked up the phone and called my sister. She got
it on hers, too.''
WUPW marketing director, Denis Katell, said the station received
several complaints. ``I really don't know how many,'' he said.
The episode was taped at the station from a master tape provided
by Atlanta-based Turner Program Services, and was not reviewed
beforehand, Katell said.
``It's very difficult for any station to have a large enough
staff to scrutinize every frame of video,'' Katell said, noting
that programming runs 24 hours a day.
On average, 15,000 to 20,000 people are tuned into WUPW when
``Gilligan's Island'' comes on at 5:30 p.m. The episode was on the
air for about a minute before the master control operator
discovered the problem and put on a different episode, Katell said.
Mrs. Brasher said the episode lasted about three minutes, and
included ``bad music,'' obscenities and the sound of a woman
moaning and talking.
Katell said no bad language was involved.
``But, yes, indeed there was heavy female breathing and there
was some spoken dialogue, but no four letter words,'' he said.
Turner Program Services uses contractors in Los Angeles to
produce their master tapes, said sales director John Walden. ``I've
never heard of anything like this happening before,'' he said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jan 1992 10:51:54 -0500
From: <garbled by the mailer>
To: spaf
progress, n:
From the Latin "pro", meaning forward, and "gress", meaning
improvement or advancement.
So what does CONGRESS mean??
[I believe an observation similar to this was first made by Will Rogers
-- one of my all-time favorite curmudgeons. -spaf]
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End of Yucks Digest
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