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Yucks Digest V2 #3
Yucks Digest Fri, 10 Jan 92 Volume 2 : Issue 3
Today's Topics:
Amazing Grace
Capitalization of "unix"
dildonics origin
Don't Forget to Mark Your Calendar
GSP Digest #384 (2 msgs)
Human factors humor
Lunchtime humor
MOVIE MINI `Black Lizard'
Singapore to ban chewing gum from Friday
Sit on my face and tell me that you love me...
Summary: Shutters Are TALKING!
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking...
Thanks for sharing...
The Average American
Vogonballs
What the doctor says and means
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 9 Jan 92 08:20:08 GMT
From: chesler@unixland.natick.ma.us (David Chesler)
Subject: Amazing Grace
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
We mourn the passing of computer pioneer Admiral Grace Hopper, author of
COBOL, who is now at rest 6 nanoseconds under.
[Adm. Hopper, who passed away approx. Jan 3, was known for holding up
a piece of wire, one foot long, at her lectures and explaining "This is
one nanosecond", that is at 3.00 x 10^8 meters per second, electricity
travels one foot in one nanosecond.]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 14:47:16 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Capitalization of "unix"
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
In response to a posting in a discussion of "how to capitalize UNIX?":
From: dmr@research.att.com
Date: Fri, 3 Jan 92 04:54:56 EST
Subject: the spelling of the word
Three groups of papers are instructive:
1) The original CACM paper. Small caps were used in our drafts.
The reason was simply that we had a new typesetter and troff had
just been invented and we were intoxicated by being able to produce
small caps. This was before there was a trademark; CACM just followed
our style.
2) BLTJ and ATT TJ publications. The author has little to say
about such style issues in a company publication; I made the argument
that the word was not an acronym and plain initial caps were more logical,
and didn't prevail.
3) The Turing Lecture paper. This was funniest. My draft had
initial-cap. The galleys had all-cap. I protested. ACM said
that it was too late, also that they had decided on this style.
I thought about making a scene (my big chance to throw some weight
around), but finally wimped out.
Now it's all USL's problem.
Dennis
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 20:18:54 PST
From: amdcad!osc!strick@uunet.UU.NET (henry strickland -- strick@osc.com)
Subject: dildonics origin
To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
# From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@filbert.cs.brandeis.edu>
# Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #112
#
# The word `dildonics' came up in a Whole Earth Quarterly article
# on one of the VR conferences. I'm not sure who coined the word, but I'd put
# money on Mike Saentz (creator of MacPlaymate).
I believe either the second or third issue of Mondo 2000 credited Ted
Nelson with the word, from back in the 60's or 70's. It seems he had
another prefix on it, either "teledildonics" or "hyperdildonics", since
he was talking specifically about interacting with other human beings
through virtual reality, not about just erotic computer games.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 92 4:32:29 EST
From: Nichael Cramer <ncramer@bbn.com>
Subject: Don't Forget to Mark Your Calendar
To: various
Good afternoon, Gent-le-men.
I am a HAL 9000 computer.
I became operational at the
H. A. L. labs in
Urbana Illinois on the
TWELFTH OF JANUARY, 1992.
My instructor was Mr Langley
and he taught me to sing a song.
If you'd like to hear it,
I can sing it for you.
Yes. I'd like to hear it HAL. Sing it for me.
It's called "Daisy"...
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 07:04:04 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: GSP Digest #384
To: spaf
==========
From: mal11@po.CWRU.Edu (Matthew A. Lewis)
Newsgroups: alt.rock-n-roll,rec.music.misc
Date: 29 Dec 91 21:20:19 GMT
Subject: Offensive Rock Band Names
My parents found this and gave it to me. These are all real bands.
I have seen some of them in concert! Although they may offend a few
(I personally don't use language like this) [I do! --Rsk ],
many of them are quite funny. Enjoy.
[ Many of them were obviously deemed to be "offensive" by ultraconservative
rightwing bozos. ---Rsk ]
A Linguistic Taxonomy
by Joe Salmons and Monica Macaulay
4-Skins
17 Pygmies [ What, being short is offensive? ]
1000 Homo DJs
Aborted at Line 6 [ Sounds like an awk(1) diagnostic to me.]
Afterbirth
Agnostic Front
Alien Sex Fiend [ I once knew a girl... ]
Art Phag
Autistics
Baby Jesus Hitler [ Confusing cultural icons ]
Bad Religion
Battered Wives
Beat Nigs
Bhopal Stiffs
Big Balls and the Great White Idiot
Bitch Magnet
Black Market Babies
Blessed Virgins
Bloody Mess and the Skabs
Blind Idiot God
Boat People
Bob on This
Bollock Brothers
Bone Orchard
Bulimia Banquet
Butthole Surfers
Buzzcocks
C*nts
Cancerous Growth
Capital Punishment
Carniverous Buttock Flies
Catholic School Boys from Hell [DeSmet Jesuit High, class of '74 -right here!]
Chainsaw Dawg
Cheetah Chrome Motherfuckers [ Doesn't this sound like a band that
Hunter S. Thompson needs to be in? ]
Christian Death
Circle Jerks
Claude Come and the IVs
Clit Boys
Clive Pig & the Hopeful Chinamen
Closet Negros
Cocks in Stained Satin
Condemned to Death
Contractions [ I'm sorry, I don't get this one at all. ]
Coolies
Corpse Grinders
Cramps
Crippled Pilgrims
Crucifucks
Cycle Sluts from Hell
Dayglo Abortions
Dead Can Dance
Dead Hippies
Dead Kennedys
Dead Oswalds
Dead Milkmen
Death of Samantha
Death Piggy
Deep Wound
Deviants
Dicks
Discharge
Doggy Style [ Also happens to be the name of a beer ... ]
Drunk Injuns
Elvis Hitler [ More confusing cultural icons ]
F- Word
False Prophets
Fartz [ I get it - like "Starz" ]
Fearless Iranians from Hell
Fetus Productions
Flaming Fuckheads
Flaming Mussolinis
Foetus Interruptus
Fredy Fetus & the Abortions
Fried Abortions
Fudge-packers
FU's
GG Allin and the Scumfucs
Gay Cowboys in Bondage
Gaye Bykers on Acid
Geile Tiere
Gigolo Aunts
Hard-ons
Hweads on Sticks
Hollywood Autopsy
Homo Picnic
Homosexuals
House of Freaks
Impulse Manslaughter
Inbred
Inca Babies
Jack Rubies
Jerry's Kids [ Hmmm. I think we really need to re-evaluate
this "offensive" criteria. Maybe what was meant
"politically incorrect if you happen to be a terminally
conservative idiot". Whoops, got political! ]
Jesus Chrysler
Johnny Vomit
Killer Pussy
Killing Joke
Leather Nun
Les Blank's Amazing Pink Holes
Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lost Cherees
Lubricated Goat
Man Sized Action
MDC
Meat Beat Manifesto
Mighty Sphincter
My Bloody Valentine
My Dad is Dead
My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult
Naked Raygun
Napalm Death
Necropolis of Love
Necros
Neurotic Arseholes
New Roger Diarrhea
Nurse with Wound
Part-time Christians
Peace Corpse
Penetrators
Peter and the Test Tube Babies
Phantom Limbs
Pink Fairies
Pope Paul Pot
Poster Children
Pussy Galore [ Character from a James Bond flick, I think ]
Rapemen
Raw Meat
Retarded Elf
Reverb Motherfuckers
Revolting Cocks
Richard Hell & the Voidoids
Root Boy Slim & the Sex Change Band [ Weird band... they did "Christmas
at K-Mart" ]
Rotting Corpses
Sarcastic Orgasm [ There's a joke in here, I just can't find it. ]
Schleimkeim
Scraping Foetus Off the Wheel
Screaming Dead
Screaming Fetus
Seemen
Severed Heads
Sex Gang Children
Sex Pistols
Sharon Tate's Baby
Sic F*cks
Single Bullet Theory [ Is this band doing the soundtrack for "JFK"? ]
Slits
Slow Children
Smegma
Southern Death Cult
Soviet Sex [ Not offensive...unless you're Ronald Reagan.]
Specimen
Spermbirds
Spit
Stains
Stranglers
Strangulated Beatoffs
Stretch Marks
Suicidal Tendencies
Tar Babies
Tex and the Horseheads
Throbbing Gristle
Thrownups
Tragic Mulatto
Trotsky Icepick
Tupelo Chain Sex
Vatican Commandos [ Aaaaiyeeeee! Dominus Vobiscum Kick Ass! ]
Verbal Abuse [ "I came here for an argument." ]
Vibrators
Violent Apathy
Violent Children
Violent Femmes
Vomit and the Zits
Vomit Launch
Vomitorium
Yeastie Girls [ Is that like the Beastie Boys? ]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 07:04:04 EST
From: rsk@gynko.circ.upenn.edu (Richard Kulawiec)
Subject: GSP Digest #384
To: spaf
==========
From: geoff@pmafire.inel.gov (Geoff Allen)
Newsgroups: rec.photo,rec.backcountry,talk.environment
Date: 2 Jan 92 15:54:49 GMT
Subject: Yellowstone vs. Bison
[...]
A report on the local news (Pocatello/Idaho Falls, Idaho) this week said
that Yellowstone officials are considering ways to deal with the bison
problem. Every year, somebody ignores all the (incredibly obvious)
warnings distributed/posted in the park, messes with one of those nice,
mellow buffalo roaming throughout the park, and gets gored. Apparently,
warning people doesn't work.
According to the report, the park is considering, get this, *painting*
some of the more beligerent bison with flourescent paint, so that people
will know to keep their distance.
Believe it or not.
I don't know if letters to superintendant Barbie (I believe that's his name)
would help, but they probably wouldn't hurt.
[ How about painting some of the stupider tourons with flourescent paint,
so that the bison will know which ones to gore? ---Rsk ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 14:46:26 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Human factors humor
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
From: kirlik@chmsr (Alex Kirlik)
Organization: ISyE, Georgia Tech
Here's a true story:
A human factors researcher (HFR) is visiting a national human factors
laboratory and is asked, while walking down the hall, to evaluate a
candidate design for an aerospace system interface. The HFR notices
that in all places where there were once verbal labels, the designer
has replaced them with (often obscure) graphical icons. The HFR asks,
"why all the icons?" to which the designer replys something to the
effect of, "hey, where have you been, icons are all the rage these
days." "Yeah," the HFE replies, "but no one will ever be able to
figure out these cryptic icons, why not just leave the words on the
interface?" "Well I like these," is the reply.
So like any self-respecting human factors folks, they turn to empirical
methods (N=1). Finding the first passerby, the subject is asked to
identify what each of the icons means. The subject can guess the
meanings of less than half of the icons. Shown the previous (verbal)
interface, the subject reads the labels in a fraction of the time
without error.
The slightly red-faced designer replies, "So, I'll put a little card
below the interface to act as a legend; it will have a picture of each
icon, and next to it, the words indicating what each icon means."
To which the smart-alecky HFR retorts, "Hey, I've got an even better
idea. Why not keep the words on the interface, and include a little
card below the interface with each word on the left, and your icon
on the right, just for reference."
------------------------------
Date: 6 Jan 92 00:30:04 GMT
From: Josh_Cohen@3mail.3com.com
Subject: Lunchtime humor
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Let's see if I can get this thing to work... Is there a mail group for
this stuff?
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how
they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 4 Jan 92 12:32:01 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: MOVIE MINI `Black Lizard'
To: yucks-request
By David Elliott Copley News Service
When's the last time you heard really fine diabolical laughter? You
know, the sort that rises from a corrupt soul through powerful vocal
cords, and makes the heavens tremble with its joy in pure evil.
Akihiro Maruyama has got it down pat in "Black Lizard," playing
the gorgeously decadent sin queen and dominatrix Black Lizard. If you
notice a slightly baritone timber to La Lizard's diabolical cackle,
it's because Maruyama is a man in his/her prime (which the movie
captures), one of Japan's leading transvestite performers.
The 1968 film has been rereleased and its major ticket to ride the
American market at this late date is the brief appearance of the late,
famously suicidal writer Yukio Mishima. He turns up as one of the
"living statues" or "dolls," mostly nudes stuck in a freeze pose,
whom Black Lizard keeps in her secret grotto collection love slaves
on perpetual duty. The place might make you think of Alan Carr staging
a Las Vegas revue to promote Madame Tussaud's waxworks.
Mishima also scripted, from a play he adapted from detective
stories by Rampo Edogawa. But the movie belongs not to him, nor even
to fervently engaged director Kinji Fukasaku. It's a Maruyama show,
and she's dressed to kill (often literally) in each scene like
Morticia Addams lampooning Merle Oberon at her Oscar-night apex.
Black Lizard has a devoted gang of romantic thugs, plus some simple
goons. They obey her every whim, and she's one hell of a whimmer. In
the crackpot plot, she has duels of mutual attraction and deadly
intrigue with an intrepid Japanese Sherlock, ace detective Akechi
(Isao Kimura). As he fouls up her kidnap and extortion schemes, she
finds him mighty sexy.
The movie has the lightning-flash energy of a serial with too much
plot, too little time. Shot in the Japanese equivalents of CinemaScope
and Technicolor, it wraps us in a jeweled, breathless nostalgia for
high-gloss filming. The acting and direction are almost a classical
grammar of kitsch melodrama, and one suspects that Mishima took the
bristling lines and perfumed code words (like "The white sheet of
tedium suddenly smolders") all too seriously.
Wigged-out and winking, "Black Lizard" is an aria of excess. It's
coloratura junk, yet with the saving sort of juice that a big American
job like "Hook" so painfully lacks. This is not a recommendation to
take the kids. Unless they're really into diabolical laughter.
"Black Lizard" is not rated.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 30 Dec 91 23:56:37 PST
From: one of our correspondents
Subject: Singapore to ban chewing gum from Friday
To: yucks-request
SINGAPORE, Dec 30 (AFP) - Singapore announced Monday a ban on the
importing, sale and manufacture of chewing gum as a blight on public
buildings and its subway system.
The environment ministry said chewing gum was a "perennial
nuisance" and source of "filthiness" on the city-state's facilities.
It pointed to the unnecessary cost of removing gum from Mass Rapid
Transit (MRT) subway trains, citing cases where gum has prevented
doors from closing, thereby triggering a computerised safety
mechanism which has brought trains to a halt and seriously
inconvenienced passengers.
Officials suspect that teenagers are the chief culprits, as the
problem worsens during school holidays.
The MRT Corp. bans food and drinks in stations and on trains.
Violators face a maximum fine of 500 dollars (around 300 U.S.).
The ministry said offenders would be required to perform community
service by cleaning up public areas.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 15:35:39 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Sit on my face and tell me that you love me...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
>From this weekend's USA Today "StatesLine" (Jan 3 page 8a)
WISCONSIN
Milwaukee --- The 300-lb woman who killed her husband when she sat on his
face during quarrel may have been victim of abuse and might not be charged,
authorities said. Charles Walker, 40, and 160 lbs., died Tuesday after 11
days in a coma, doctors said.
------------------------------
Date: 30 Dec 91 18:27:56 GMT
From: meastman@adobe.com (Mark Eastman)
Subject: Summary: Shutters Are TALKING!
Newsgroups: rec.photo
In <1991Dec19.171522.10886@adobe.com> meastman@adobe.com (Mark Eastman) writes:
>Have you listened to what your shutter says lately?
>I've noticed my Nikon FM2 says dictinctly: "shnnaggt" (1/250)
>or "she-naaaacggt" (1/15). This is a decisive improvement
>over the old Nikkormats that say "kerploochknt" (1/60).
>I've noticed Leicas have a noticable accent: "plink" (1/250)
>and "snik-zzzzt" (1/15). I'm wondering if this varies from
>manufacturer to manufacturer. Any other observations?
dchouina@sobeco.com (d.chouinard):
"My Ricoh KR-10M goes "Shlkkltsh-djiiit" (1/250) and
"Shlak...Shlok-djiit" (1/2)"
lytle@noao.edu (Dyer Lytle):
"My old Kodak SIX-20 box camera says "plunk" (~1/90)
My old Copal shutter (that my Xenar is in) says
"click zzzzz....zzz...zzzzz....zzzz click"
(about 2 seconds when set at one second!) (needs cleaning)
Note that my old Nikkormat *with the mirror locked up* says "kerknt" at 1/60.
I think the "plooch" part comes from the mirror. (illogical, isn't it!)
Both of my Rolliflex TLRs say "snick" (1/250) or "sni ick" (1/8) (quietly).
My Konica Autoreflex A says, very clearly, "sproing-chunk"(sounds junky)."
rodgers@ismdqa.intel.com (Mike Rodger):
"Chugoku no shtta mo chugoku-go o hanashi masu ga itzu watashino COPAL no
shutta "takes two seconds", I use it as a feature."
sog@craycos.com (Steve Gombosi):
"Hai, wakarimasu. "Bug" dewa arimasen - "feature" desu!"
mjg@casbah.acns.nwu.edu (Michael J Graven)
"Nearly every F4 I've heard says the same thing: "Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching
ka-ching ka-ching." Never any shorter. Funny how that is. :)
A Leica I once admired had the best words of all, though -- it reminded me
of the wonderful Jabberwocky when it said (1/4 sec), "snik ...snack"."
bjs@ccc.amdahl.com (Barry Sherman):
"Michael J Graven) writes:
>Nearly every F4 I've heard says the same thing: "Ka-ching ka-ching ka-ching
>ka-ching ka-ching." Never any shorter. Funny how that is. :)
Hmmmm. Is that the sound of a cash register ringing? :-)"
mark@Armstrong.EDU (Mark Eversoll)
"I haven't used one in a while, but my old Hasselblad 500CM said it this way:
"whoomp zzzz FLOP" ...
madson@unix.SRI.COM (Carl Madson):
"I've never heard one, but I suspect the last 'word' on this subject
would come from the Graflex, the old 4x5 SLR. It ain't the shutter
that's making the noise, though...
(Try any old SX-70: FWOP! wreeeeeeee... [shutter nearly inaudible, compared
to the mirror flop and film kick-out motor])."
Thanks for listening to your shutters gentleman, and for expanding the
vocabulary of the language of photography :^) !!!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 92 11:26:24 MST
From: Lazlo Nibble <lazlo@triton.unm.edu>
Subject: Takes a licking and keeps on ticking...
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us (Eniac)
[This is a transcription of one of the fake ads shown on Sat. Night
Live a while back. --spaf]
HAPPY FUN BALL
(only $14.95!)
Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10
should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.
Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due
to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
* Itching
* Vertigo
* Dizziness
* Tingling in extremities
* Loss of balance or coordination
* Slurred speech
* Temporary Blindness
* Profuse sweating
* Heart Palpatations
If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately.
Seek shelter and cover head.
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special
container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves
the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its
parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing
substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi
Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Irag.
Do not *taunt* Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball: accept no substitutes!
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 9 Jan 92 11:07:42 -0800
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Thanks for sharing...
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
Posted to "comp.lang.c": [A classic example of a hazard of e-mail. --spaf]
From: labomba@rhqvm09.VNET.IBM.COM (Scott LaBombard)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.c
Subject: Hi
Date: 8 Jan 92 12:44:11 GMT
Organization: ISSC, Rochester, NY
Good morning. How ya doing? I missed you last night honey.
I woke up at about 3:30 this morning with a very nice headache.
Boy am I lucky.
I hope that you have a nice day pretty lady. I'll be thinking
about you.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 06 Jan 92 13:18:01 PST
From: Lisa.Chabot@Eng.Sun.COM
Subject: The Average American
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
Before the year was out, we decided to go find some, in
a vain attempt to convince my mother that the Average
American does not spend time in jail nor pawn stolen electronics
(occupational hazard of hers) but instead goes to
the Ronald Reagan Museum and Library.
Luckily, the day of the worst weather in 1991 for southern
California was at hand, so we drove down the Antelope Valley
Waterway ("Erosion in Action") and on to our long ago haunts in
Simi (see-mee) Valley. We'd actually attempted it a day or so
earlier, employing the tried and true Chabot method of navigation:
drive in the believed approximate direction until it appears.
However, my sister's guess was that it was at the location of
the former Pass Club, a den of iniquity and gambling off the old Santa
Susana Pass Road (and about which I cherish the belief that
Eddy Mars used to run it). The guess was wrong, of course, and
it really is too bad.
The RRM&L is located on a hill above the opposite and western and
conservative end of the valley, we think, but all we could see was
clouds and wet stuff, mostly obscuring what are probably dramatic views
of Simi and the Ventura Freeway. The Liberty Bell shades for
the street lights on the long drive up the hill
were the first sign that all was not well.
"You're not really going to go in!" my sister, who wishes to
remain anonymous, cried in dismay. I insisted: trinkets must
be obtained, proof we actually went. So we struggled through
the wind and rain to the foyer. The place was packed.
You have to buy tickets even to get into the gift shop, so we did.
It was only $2 per head.
Words fail me. The things displayed aren't much, but the accompanying
text is ... er, rhetorical kitsch? We goggled at the list of
ways the universe got better when Reagan was pres--like all the
bad governments he personally toppled and the good governments he
helped. No pictures of Ollie--how odd--but Carter's work was mentioned.
I was perplexed for minutes by a plaque about the initiation
of the campaign for his second term, and how it was
contemplated with trepidation because no president since
Eisenhower had completed two terms. "A couple of them tried," I
complained. "What is this, superstition? What does assassination and
resignation have to do with winning a second election?!"
My family dragged me away, my sister grumbling about the
default in my attire: long dangly earrings made in India from wire,
pebbles, and shell and purchased at the Blue Dolphin in
Ventura from a well-known Green; jeans; my Halloween
shirt of candy corn print; a black cardigan covered with white cat fur;
a ceramic cat pendant. "You should have worn tie-dye," she said.
She went back to watch the tape loop of the assassination attempt,
but I dragged her away before she could start cheering, the one
thing more likely than tie-dye to get us thrown out.
Then my mother and I found photographic proof that Nancy's head is
larger than Ron's. We avoided the Barbie-sized model of the White
House, mostly because the line was an hour and a half long.
Unfortunately, we did not miss the Nancy rooms just after the
White House line, but they were sparsely populated (probably
because most people were still in line) so we made it through easily.
I was disappointed by the lack of mention of astrology.
There was absolutely no mention of the first Missus anywhere.
The gift shop was entertaining, but we really blew it.
What we should have done was to have bought a bunch of the buttons that
say "Lobotomies for Republicans: it's the law" in Ventura the day
before, and smuggled them in to the baskets of campaign buttons
for sale in the gift shop. My only excuse is that they were out
of them at the Blue Dolphin--he says there's always a run of
them around Christmas, because the local Republicans buy them
as gag-gifts for each other. Please, if you go, try this,
and let me know what happens when people find them and what
reactions they produce at the cash register when people ask
their price.
I can hardly wait to get home and watch Buck Henry's visit there
on "Edge" tonight.
+ + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
For my sins, a CV joint on the Saab disintegrated 2 3/4 miles
from home, with 2 3/4 hours left in the old year, after 410 miles
of the trip. Bless the California Highway Patrol, and bless any
bay area Eniac'ers who were driving along 237 that night and
did not hit me or the car--it was a tight place to stop but
we couldn't help it. Happy New Year to all.
------------------------------
Date: 8 Jan 92 11:30:05 GMT
From: hobson@hyend.enet.dec.com (Hobson's Choice 25-Oct-1991 0709)
Subject: Vogonballs
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[I apologize for the ugly header/trailer cruft -- that was the way
the message came. The copyright notice (which may not be valid
anyhow) states that those must be left intact on reposting. --spaf]
<><><><><><><><> T h e V O G O N N e w s S e r v i c e <><><><><><><><>
Edition : 2437 Friday 25-Oct-1991 Circulation : 8199
VNS VOGONBALLS: [Dick Binder, VNS Humour Editor]
=============== [Nashua, NH, USA ]
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..."
- Overheard in a hallway
- from Saul Rothstein (Chelmsford, MA, USA)
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted."
- CBS reporter during the solar eclipse
- from Larry Klaes (Maynard, MA, USA)
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he
had run across."
- Announcer on KZOK radio
- from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!"
- CBS baseball announcer
- from Wes Ono (Seattle, WA, USA)
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the
agreement have reached an agreement."
- Irish Politician on RTE radio
- from John 0'Sullivan (Dublin, Ireland)
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage
equation."
- BBC world service.
- from Vasmi Abidi (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here."
- Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings
- from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet."
- Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy
Swaggart's latest sex scandal
- from Mike Knauer, Burlington
*** Here we have three issues of Private Eye's Colemanballs, ***
*** thanks - as always - to the nimble fingers of Nick Hill. ***
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?"
- Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of
them gold."
- Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"That race was all about competition."
- David Coleman, ITV
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us."
- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services.
Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work do they do: is it mining and
engineering services?
- BBC Radio 1
"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
- Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV
"Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white helmets."
- James Hunt, BBC2 TV
"A church spire nestling among the trees... there's probably a
church there too."
- Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
- Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3
Interviewer: So you are the camp co-ordinator. What does that
entail?
Venture Scout: Well, basically, I co-ordinate the camp.
- '8.15 From Manchester', BBC1 TV
"We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment."
- Newsreader, BBC Radio 4
"Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy."
- Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV
"There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate - more than hanging
around like this."
- David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of
beans, 'cos that's only small potatoes."
- Ian St John, ITV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of
the game."
- Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
*** Send VOGONballs to VORTEX::CALIPH::BINDER, not to VNS ***
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Permission to copy material from this VNS is granted (per DIGITAL PP&P)
provided that the message header for the issue and credit lines for the
VNS correspondent and original source are retained in the copy.
<><><><><><><><> VNS Edition : 2437 Friday 25-Oct-1991 <><><><><><><><>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 7 Jan 1992 18:10 EST
From: "Robert M. Hamer" <HAMER@zodiac.rutgers.edu>
Subject: What the doctor says and means
To: spaf
Physicians always minimize pain. I have developed the following table which
you may find helpful when a physician tells you how much something may hurt.
Physician Statement Reality
----------------------------------------- --------------------------------
This won't hurt a bit This will be uncomfortable
or
This really won't hurt, _now_,
but tomorrow you'll feel like
you've been kicked by a horse
This may feel uncomfortable This will hurt some
You may feel some pressure This will feel like I'm stabbing
you with a knife
This will cause a little pain This will hurt like hell
This will be painful Jesus, Joseph, and Mary
There is nothing higher on the scale because they knock you out after that.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 8 Jan 92 09:26 EST
From: reggie@pdn.paradyne.com (George Leach)
To: myrddin!purdue!spaf@uunet.UU.NET
[The key here is to note that the name of the company really is
"Abrasive Industries" -- George did not alter the name. --spaf]
This is an actual letter sent without a signature:
Abrasive Industries
Dear Applicant,
It is our policy to only accept resumes or applications when
an actual position is available. We are, therefore, returning the
resume we recently received.
When positions do become available within our organization
they are listed with the local State Employment Service and, if
necessary, advertised in the local newspapers. If you see a
specific job listing you are interested in, please resubmit your
resume at that time.
We appreciate your interest in Abrasive Industries Inc., and
with you luck in your job search.
Sincerely yours,
Personnel Department
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------