[Prev][Next][Index]
Yucks Digest V1 #75
Yucks Digest Wed, 21 Aug 91 Volume 1 : Issue 75
Today's Topics:
Crop Circles in the Carpet !!!
Diplomacy with the police II
Film review: THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
here is how to get back at them Extraterrestrials ....
HOW BIG IS A MEGABYTE?
Musings about the War on Drugs.
Nope, it never happens.
Radioactive Frog Warning
stuff
Time to die...
Top Ten Unpleasant Things To Hear On An Elevator
Yogi Berra quotes wanted
Yucks Digest V1 #71
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 25 Jul 91 16:07:22 GMT
From: tgh@hpfcso.FC.HP.COM (Thomas Hammond)
Subject: Crop Circles in the Carpet
Newsgroups: talk.rumors
You just won't believe what I'm about to tell you, but it's true, True,
TRUE !! Yep. Here's what happened ...
Yesterday, I arrived home at my regular time in the later
afternoon, and as I walked into the living room I looked at the rug,
and boy oh boy was I surprised !! There on the rug were CROP CIRCLES
!!! I know, I know. I couldn't believe it either, but there they
were. I'd show it to you right here on the net if only I had a
digitizer and some graphics. But I did take a bunch of pictures, and
I'll be happy to send copies to you for only $39.95 plus shipping,
etc, etc.
Now, I'd like to get rid of one stupid explanation right off the
bat. Earlier in the day my daughter had vacuumed the selfsame rug,
and one of the police officers said maybe she (my daughter) had just
vacuumed the rug in circles. Just vacuumed the circles right into the
rug. I almost laughed out loud, right at the policeperson. Why, I
ask you, would a normal, play- ful, 13-year-old girl vacuum in circles
?? Ha Ha Ha ! Not likely ! So there's only one explanation left:
Space Aliens !!!!
I have more evidence than this, though. For years, I've had the
suspicion that aliens can just walk right through solid stuff, like
walls or pianos. One time when I was a kid I was spending the night
at my Grandad's house, and I woke up in the middle of the night, and I
saw a space alien walk through the wall of my bedroom, and so I got my
Grandad's gun off the wall and aimed if at this alien, but he walked
back out again. So the next morning, my Grand- dad said it was just a
bad dream, but there, but there on the floor by the side of the the
bed WAS THE SHOTGUN !!! "Some dream !!", I shouted. "Explain THAT
!!", I said, pointing to the gun, just before he backhanded me.
And then just a few days ago, I went to use the bathroom and the
toilet wasn't flushed. Now, nobody in my family would do that sort of
thing, so I got to thinking -- suppose, just suppose, that a space
alien was cruising around, and it had to GO. I mean like go potty.
So it cruises RIGHT THROUGH THE ROOF, uses the facilities, but then
(still standing on the edge of its spaceship) it can't reach the
handle to flush. So now it's embarassed, and it just flies off. It
thinks I'll believe that somebody in the family did it, but HO HO I
know better. Yep. So anyway, there's some more proof. I mean, the
alien made circles on my carpet, for cryin' out loud, and I didn't
even have to open the ROOF or anything !!! How much PROOF do you
want, Mr. and Ms. Skeptic ??
So there you have it -- PROOF of extraterrestrial life. I'M
excited !! I would have stayed around the living room to take some
more pictures, but all the Yeti hair was making me sneeze.
Anybody else out there had this kind of thing happen ?
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jul 91 10:30:03 GMT
From: dnwiebe@cis.ohio-state.edu (Dan N Wiebe)
Subject: Diplomacy with the police II
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
My brother's psychology professor, a Yankee's Yankee and a
feminist's feminist, tells the following story on herself to
illustrate that doctorates don't necessarily make you smart.
She was driving to a workshop in Atlanta from her home in
Ohio. It was about 10AM, and she'd been driving the entire preceding
day and night herself, and she was consequently not in the best of
tempers as she searched for a motel in which to crash.
A Georgia state policeman pulled her over, got out of his
cruiser, swaggered up to her driver's window, bent down, and drawled,
"Lookie here, darlin',"--uh oh, everybody duck--"Lookie here, darlin',
*nobody* blows through Georgia *that* fast."
Said the feminist Yankee overtired psychology professor: "Sherman did."
She says he was not satisfied merely to give her a speeding
ticket;` he made her follow him fifty miles out of her way to
Nowheresburg, GA, and wait at the police station until three in the
afternoon for a circuit judge to arrive so that he could explain to
her why it wasn't the best idea in the world to be impolite to
policemen, who were after all interested only in creating the safest
possible environment for everybody including her, etc. etc. The
lecture went on for about two hours, she says, after which she was
released to drive the fifty miles back to her route and resume her
search for someplace to crash.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 91 14:39:20 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Film review: THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.CS.Berkeley.EDU
THE PHILADELPHIA STORY
A film review by James Davis Nicoll
Copyright 1991 James Davis Nicoll
I checked out the local video store last night, hoping to pick up
a good action flick. Some jerkwad had already rented I COME IN PEACE
and MARKED FOR DEATH, but next to the recent releases shelf, was a shelf
labeled "classics" (old films). I *like* old stuff; I must have seen
RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and ALIEN a dozen times, so I figured "what the
hell?" and started looking through the old stuff.
What I picked was this movie called THE PHILADELPHIA STORY. I
remembered hearing something about a sci-fi flick about a teleporting
battleship, and I *like* sci-fi stuff, but that's not all this movie
has. The back of the box mentions a character named "Tracy Lord," who
was a porn-star back in the 80s. I think this is great. I get to
watch the scum who make porn flicks get their heads kicked in and lots
of tits, too. Hey, I understand the seamy side of the porn industry!
I've seen LETHAL WEAPON three times.
I get home and pop the movie in the VCR. Okay: First problem is
the damn film is in black and white. It isn't my machine, because when
I take it out and put in ROBOCOP II, the colour works okay. Fine, the
movie's probably made in Taiwan, or Canada or some other third world
country that makes cheap films. I put it back in and settle back for
righteous bloodshed. Third-worlders really know how to make good eye-
gougers.
Next problem: the love story. Now, I understand why you need a
love story in a film; it gives the squeeze something to watch while you
grope her, and you can get good sex stuff in the film, too. So, okay,
there has to be a love story (oh, and you can kill the woman, so the guy
has a reason to get mad and kill people). The thing is, the damn love
story just kept going and going, and we don't even get to see any skin.
They even have this pool scene that would have been perfect for a skinny-
dipping scene, and they blow it by having the woman wear clothes.
Actually, she was pretty flat, so maybe they had a good reason. Anyway,
most of the movie is about this woman, and her boyfriends, I think.
They never say *anything* about her porn career, and anyway, the woman
playing Tracy Lord is way too old for the part.
The really big problem is that there's *no* action! I mean, these
guys are coal miners, porn stars, and newspaper reporters (There's this
really cute girl who plays a photographer, but even though she's
obviously a libber, she never takes her clothes off). These guys wear
fedoras and *everything*, but no one gets shot. You'd figure that with
two husbands of Lords and a boyfriend too, they'd at least have a ten-
minute fight scene, but the weenie playing the boyfriend goes down with
the first punch! Geez! The guy in RENEGADES was gutshot and he did
more! All the good stuff is missing: no car chases, no gun fights, no
martial arts. All these people do is talk, talk, talk. At least I had
time to nuzzle the babe. It's not like the movie had anything going
on.
They drink a lot, more than me and the guys do, even, and they
didn't throw up as much, either.
Anyway, THE PHILADELPHIA STORY is a lousy action sci-fi film,
and I'm sorry I wasted the $2.00 to rent it.
------------------------------
From: wb8foz@mthvax.cs.miami.edu (David Lesher)
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
Subject: Re: Email From Space
Date: 26 Jul 91 11:27:06 GMT
> [Moderator's Note: I think it would absolutely great if there were an
> email address for net people to use to send greetings to the space
> people.
Nah,
I can see them now:
32,768 messages in your mailbox:
READ
Hi - my name is Dave Rhodes, and my chain letter
will make you rich...
DELETE
There's this kid named Craig that wants......
DELETE
My name is JJ, and I want you to send me a ruple
so I can stay in school....
DELETE
PAC-BELL offers OPX service to MIR, but charges
extra for touchtone service.......
"Hey comrades, this one is interesting.."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 18:18:15 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: HOW BIG IS A MEGABYTE?
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From a comment in an unnamed program from an unnamed manufacturer
/*
**************************************************************************
*
* ****** HOW BIG IS A MEGABYTE? ******
*
* ALL <unnamed program> ENGINEERS MUST READ THIS.
*
**************************************************************************
*
* Disk Manufacturers, in order to make their disks appear bigger than
* they really are, chose the convention of assuming that a Megabyte
* meant 1,000,000 (0xF4240) bytes, instead of its true meaning of
* 1,048,576 (0x100000) bytes.
*
* Anyway, because of this definition, all the hard disks are
* advertized as having XXX 1,000,000 bytes (disk industry megabytes),
* hence inflating the true space on the disk. When customers used the
* <unnamed program>, they saw the "true megabyte" space on
* the disk and, being a smaller number, thought they were cheated
* and called the <unnamed vendor's hotline>.
*
* Now, wishing to reduce calls in the <unnamed vendor's hotline>, we (the
* <unnamed program> engineers) have been instructed to use the Disk
* Manufacturer convention, using the megabyte of 1,000,000 bytes and
* not the true 1,048,576 bytes. So, we did.....
*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*
* Now, a word about implentation.
*
* We have introduced what the Macro DI_MEGABYTE, which is the Disk
* Industry Megabyte.
*
* All other disk size measurements, such as a kilobyte (1024 bytes) a
* block (512 bytes) and the like, are untouched. Only the value of a
* MEGABYTE is changing. AND this is only in the user interface, not
* the real workings. It can't apply to the real workings like disk
* labeling, because a computers really work on power of 2's (which is
* the basis of the real MEGABYTE of 0x100000 (2^20) bytes).
*
* <other program from said vendor> will still continue to use the
* MEGABYTE and not the DI_MEGABYTE, as was done in <unnamed vendor's
* release number> for swap sizes.
*
* In order to revert back to the true MEGABYTE for the user interface,
* all one must do is comment out the macro #define DI_MEGABYTE.
*
* WARNING : to all future <unnamed program> engineers.. DO NOT comment
* out the DI_MEGABYTE macro, UNTIL you have explicit
* permission from superiors on the OS engineering team.
*
* Implementation date : Tue Nov 14 1989
*
****************************************************************************
*/
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 91 11:18:50 BST
From: king@ukulele.reasoning.com
Subject: Musings about the War on Drugs.
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
My daughter has a poster:
This is your brain
This is your brain on drugs
This is your brain on drugs, with a side order of bacon
[If anybody can find a copy of this poster for me, I'd be quite
grateful. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 11:25:18 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Nope, it never happens.
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
(Article from Edinburgh University's MIDWEEK Student Magazine,
by Graeme MacDonald.)
20 Things That Never Happen in "Star Trek"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly alright.
3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which
later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny
hat.
5. The crew ofthe Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for
which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
another without serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Aug 91 16:05:46 EDT
From: lotus!"CRD!David Kaufman@LOTUS "@uunet.UU.NET
Subject: Radioactive Frog Warning
To: eniac@mejac.palo-alto.ca.us
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- Oak Ridge National Laboratory
officials have issued a warning that tiny radioactive
frogs are on the loose.
The fugitive amphibians are browninsh-green, 1 1/2
to 2 inches long with skinny legs and apparently healthy
-- except that they can set off a Geiger counter with
radiation levels well above normal.
The radioactive leopard frogs are safe unless eaten,
but they aren't exactly appetizing.
And, said Frank Kornegay, the lab's environmental
coordinator, the frogs "aren't particularly cute, so I
don't think anyone is going to take them home as pets."
Workers at the Department of Energy installation
about 35 miles west of Knoxville reported radioactive
tires on their cars and trucks, apparently from running
over the creatures.
"That's how we first discovered them" outside the
pond, Kornegay said.
He estimated about 100 of the frogs have been caught
and tested in the past month.
"Frogs exhibiting detectable levels of radiation,
some dead and some alive, have been found ..." warned
the radiation safety bulletin issued at the lab this
week.
Officials thought they had the situation under control
until one frog was found in the basement of an office
building about a half mile from the enclosed,
contaminated pond where the animals hatched in the spring.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Aug 91 11:22:22 CDT
From: Joe Wiggins <JWIGG@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU>
Subject: stuff
To: yucks
[This is an oldie, but the most comprehensive version I've ever seen.
--spaf]
Here's a really old one I didn't see in any of the Yucks back issues. It
was being circulated at IBM in Poughkeepsie in the mid 60's as an advisory
programmer qualifying exam:
Qualifying Exam
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all
questions. Time limit - 2.5 hours. Begin immediately.
COMPUTER SCIENCE: Describe in detail the architecture
of the mainframe that is currently the world's fastest.
Design a mainframe that is at least 20% faster. Design
an operating system for it that will realize a
throughput sufficient to process the Internal Revenue
Service's annual requirements in less than two days. Be
prepared to demonstrate the completed product in
Washington, D.C. if requested.
MANAGEMENT/PROGRAMMING: Create a generalized algorithm
to optimize all managerial decisions assuming a
correlation coefficient of at least 0.5 between
management, programming, and the BASIL intelligence
averages of the key-structure management positions.
Given an 80486 microprocessor supporting a 50 terminal
network (each terminal to activate your algorithm),
design the interactive communications interface and
control programs for maximized minimum-efficiency
implementation loss.
MATHEMATICS: If x equals pi times r squared, construct
a formula showing the base-cube probability stasis for
seven pair of cylindrical dice to show double sixes four
hundred times in succession if each pair of dice is two
millimeters shorter than the others.
ECONOMICS: Develop a realistic plan for reducing the
national deficit by at least 5 trillion without cutting
government spending or raising taxes. Trace the
possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
Cubism, the Donatist theory, the wave theory of light,
and the automobile industry. Point out and explain the
deficiencies in your reasoning.
BIOLOGY: Create sentient life. Estimate the difference
in subsequent human culture if this form of life had
developed 500 million years earlier, giving special
attention to its probable effect on the system of
English Common Law. Prove your thesis.
EPISTEMOLOGY: Develop a position for or against truth
assuming the quasirelation of bilateral reduction
implicit in the propositional character forced by this
philosophical dialectic. Use concrete examples and
monosyllabic words only.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Describe in detail. Be objective
and specific. Abbreviations are permitted, but you will
be graded for punctuation, grammar, and the use of
metaphors.
HISTORY: Write a history of the world beginning with
continental separation assuming the Big Bang theory. Be
brief, concise, and complete. You may omit Antarctica
and the Bikini Atoll.
LITERATURE: List all known works alphabetically by
author. Include publication dates, brief plot synopses,
and brief explications of poetry in the author's native
language.
ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of a synthetic ruby
laser have been placed in a box under your desk with
instructions in classical Greek and Latin for ease of
translation. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will
be released into the room. Take whatever action you
feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify your position.
FOREIGN LANGUAGES: Translate the King James version of
the Bible into the following: Italian verse, German
epigrams, Chinese drama, Welsh swear words, Bantu epic,
and Old Icelandic limericks.
MEDICINE: You will be provided with a razor blade, a
piece of gauze, and a small bottle of Scotch. Remove
your appendix. (You may substitute a bowel resection or
prefrontal lobotomy if your appendix is missing.) Do
not suture until your work has been inspected.
MUSIC: Write and perform a satiric opera parodying
Verdi, Wagner, and Barry Manilow. Include orchestration
for bagpipes and harmonica. In the interest of time,
you may omit one aria.
PHILOSOPHY: Sketch the development of human thought.
Estimate its significance on non-sentient creatures.
Compare with the development of any other kind of
thought.
PHYSICS: Explain why things happen from an etiological
point of view. Include in your answer an evaluation of
the impact of the development of antacid tablets. Do
not omit a concise explanation of general field theory
using a billiard table for illustration.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: Report at length on the socio-
political effects of Armageddon. Analyze its possible
impact on southern California suburban outdoor
entertaining.
PSYCHOLOGY: Based on their entire canons, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, obsessive-
compulsive manifestations, and hebephrenic reactions to
stress for each of the following: Moses, Cesare Borgia,
Benito Mussolini, Ty Cobb, Idi Amin, Cher, Millard
Fillmore, and Larry Flynt. Support your evaluations
with quotations from each person's magnum opus, making
appropriate references. It is not necessary to
translate.
EXTRA CREDIT: Define the universe. Give three
examples.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 29 Jul 91 10:51:27 PDT
From: megatek!fritzz (Friedrich Knauss)
Subject: Time to die...
To: various-people
A Miami boy aged five placed prosecutors in a quandary in March
1986 when he confessed to killing his three-year old playmate. He
pushed him off a balcony five storeys up when the toddler had said he
wanted to die.
------------
An eighteen stone man trying to hang himself from an aqueduct
over the river Ouse in Buckinghamshire in Feb 1986 drowned when the
rope broke.
------------
Murray Fensome of Luton died in October 1983 from drinking too
much. A common fate, one might think. But Murray died from drinking
too much water, owing to his obsessive fear that all food and medicine
were poison to his body. He would cleanse himself completely by
downing excessive quantities of water. After a session in which he
drank thirty-five pints he was admitted to hospital unconscious, and
later died of water on the brain and water intoxication.
------------
A prison protest in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, took a macabre twist
in May 1985 when prisoners held a lottery between themselves to see
which two would be killed by the inmates to protest at the overcrowded
conditions. The lucky pair were punched and kicked to death.
------------
A sprawling tenement block in Tokyo was nicknamed suicide heights
early in 1981 because of the frequency with which locals decided to
end it all from the roof. Within a month of the new year, five people
jumped to their deaths, making eighty-four in all since the block was
built five years before. The latest, a forty-three year old office
worker, even left a note apologising to the tenants for the
inconvenience he was causing. The apartment block now has nets over
the footpath, not to try to save those who jump, but to prevent people
walking underneath being hit by falling bodies.
------------
William Murphy, a Los Angeles drug addict with a history of
mental illness, died in September 1982 after digging a hole in his
garden and burying himself alive. His mother told police that he had
had delusions that he was a mole.
------------
A sixty-one year old unemployed Nottinghamshire labourer
committed suicide in May 1987 by hammering two 5 inch nails into his
head. The coroner said he believed it was the first recorded case of
this method of suicide.
------------
Otto Henning attempted suicide while on holiday in Manhattan in
November 1987. Jumping from the fourteenth floor of the President
Hotel, he landed on a terrace two floors below. he jumped again and
reached only a tenth floor extension. He gave up when he realised he
had broken his arm in the process.
------------
Judge Bertrand Richards stunned the legal and medical worlds in
July 1985 with his comments while sentencing a man who appeared in his
Bury St Edmunds court on burglary charges. Having heard evidence in
mitigation that the man had made seven suicide attempts in recent
years, the judge said, 'I wish these people would show more efficiency
about these overdoses. How much trouble they would save.'
------------
A Dane who tried to commit suicide in April 1982 by drinking two
and a half bottles of Scotch, survived, 'almost miraculously',
according to doctors, despite his blood becoming almost one per cent
pure alcohol.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 10:20:56 PDT
From: Pete.Stpierre@Eng.Sun.COM (Bob "Pete" St.Pierre)
Subject: Top Ten Unpleasant Things To Hear On An Elevator
To: spaf
Source: David Letterman
Top Ten Unpleasant Things To Hear On An Elevator
------------------------------------------------
10. Does this look infected to you?
9. Do you know these pants are reversible?
8. Hold the door! Willard's coming!
7. The acoustics in this elevator are perfect for yodelling.
6. Sorry about my finger. I was aiming for a button.
5. Would you do a number for us, Miss Channing?
4. We're both going to the fourteenth floor. How about a hug?
3. I'm not just a Jehovah's Witness - I also sell insurance.
2. Does this smell like root beer to you?
1. Just ignore Duke. We're going to have him fixed soon.
------------------------------
Date: 23 Jul 91 21:20:10 GMT
From: geiser@pictel.uucp (Wayne Geiser)
Subject: Yogi Berra quotes wanted
Newsgroups: rec.humor
"Bill Dickey is learning me his experience."
- Yogi Berra in his rookie season.
---
"So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face."
- Yogi Berra.
---
REPORTER: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?"
YOGI BERRA: "Closed."
---
KEN BOSWELL: "I'm in a rut. I can't break myself of this habit. I
keep swinging up at the ball."
YOGI BERRA: "Well, swing down."
---
RUBE WALKER: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
YOGI BERRA: "You mean now?"
---
"I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the
house."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"Yeah, what paper you write for, Ernie?"
- Yogi Berra after being introduced to Ernest Hemingway.
---
"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's going to
stop 'em."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"Nobody goes there any more. It's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra
---
"I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
thank everyone for making this night necessary."
- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor.
---
"In baseball, you don't know nothing."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"The game's not over until it's over."
- Yogi Berra.
---
INTERVIEWER: "I understand you had an audience with the Pope."
YOGI BERRA: "No, but I saw him."
INTERVIEWER: "Did you get to talk to him?"
YOGI BERRA: "I sure did. We had a nice little chat."
INTERVIEWER: "What did he say?"
YOGI BERRA: "Ya know, he must read the papers a lot, because he said,
'Hello, Yogi.'"
INTERVIEWER: "And what did you say?"
YOGI BERRA: "I said, 'Hello, Pope.'"
---
MARY LINDSAY: "You look nice and cool Yogi."
YOGI BERRA: "You don't look so hot yourself."
---
REPORTER: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?"
YOGI BERRA: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back."
---
"Okay, who's in it?"
- Yogi Berra (when asked if he wanted to see a dirty movie).
---
"Baseball is 90 percent mental; the other half is physical."
- Yogi Berra.
---
GEORGE BUSH: "Yogi, Texas is very, very important."
YOGI BERRA: "I know, Texas has a lot of electrical votes."
---
WAITRESS: "Do you want your pizza cut into four or eight slices?"
YOGI BERRA: "Four, I don't think I can eat eight."
---
"Is he living?
Is he living now?"
- Yogi Berra (playing 20 questions).
---
JOE PAGE: "[I] had been hunting with Enos Slaughter, and Enos had
been jumping in and out of the bushes so much looking for
quail that he got a cyst on his back."
YOGI BERRA: "What kind of bird is a cyst?"
---
"Even the music was nice."
- Yogi Berra (speaking of the opera "Tosca").
---
LARRY BERRA: "The man is here for the Venetian blinds."
YOGI BERRA: "Look in my pants pocket and give him five bucks."
---
"I usually take a two-hour nap from one to four."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"He is a big clog in their machine."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."
- Yogi Berra.
---
"It gets late early out there."
- Yogi Berra.
---
WOMAN: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?"
YOGI BERRA: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 14:51:08 EST
From: sjc
Subject: Yucks Digest V1 #71
To: Yucks-request
>> (From the Washington Post Style/Entertainment section:)
>>
>> According to Variety, the publication of the entertainment industry,
>> there is a film in production titled "Night of the Day of the Dawn of
>> the Son of the Bride of the Terror of the Attack of the Evil, Mutant,
>> Hellbound, Zombied, Flesh-Eating, Sub-Humanoid Living Dead -- Part 2".
I don't understand. Who'd go to a movie about college administrators?
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------