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Yucks Digest V1 #74
Yucks Digest Mon, 19 Aug 91 Volume 1 : Issue 74
Today's Topics:
cutie
Fly the fake United skies as a pilot
Good quote
Iranians go on the rampage over scarf incidents
Newage (rhymes with "sewage") wedding ceremony
Old Guys With New Socks
overflow
The Playhouse Is Closed (and other exciting TV news)
Two Japanese swordsmen storm Fuji Bank
Zinging it to the trademark attorneys
For your amusement
Moral: Never masturbate with power tools
New Surgery Recognizes that Size Matters
Insurance Claim
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual, the
possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous. It is issued on a
semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present themselves.
Back issues may be ftp'd from arthur.cs.purdue.edu from
the ~ftp/pub/spaf/yucks directory. Material in archives
Mail.1--Mail.4 is not in digest format.
Back issues may also be obtained through a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@uther.cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help". You may also use this server to join or leave the
list, or to obtain an index of past issues.
Submissions and subscription requests should be sent to
spaf@cs.purdue.edu or yucks@uther.cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Aug 91 04:28:49 EDT
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu
Subject: cutie
(Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News,
Duluth, Ga 20 June 1991)
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw
recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run.
The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The
ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 31 Jul 91 16:59:15 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Fly the fake United skies as a pilot
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
>From the July 25 San Jose Mercury News business section:
Fly the fake United skies as a pilot
By Mark Schwanhausser
Mercury News Staff Writer
United Airlines has a special offer for some of its
most-frequent filers: Next time, fake it.
The Chicago-based airline is offering passengers a chance to
swap at least 250,000 frequent-filer miles for a chance to hop
in a Denver flight simulator and taxi a jumbo jet down the
runway, practice takeoffs and landings -- maybe even face some
wind shear, a blown-out tire or other disaster.
The one-hour flight simulations -- which will go to the 50
highest mileage bidders by Aug. 15 -- will culminate VIP tours
of the Denver facility.
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
For details on bidding for a trip in United's flight simulator,
call Mileage Plus at (800) 421-4655.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Aug 91 05:11:12 EDT
From: dscatl!lindsay@gatech.edu
Subject: Good quote
The most dangerous thing in the world is to leap a chasm in two
jumps.
-- David Lloyd George
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 91 21:36:07 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Iranians go on the rampage over scarf incidents
To: yucks-request
TEHERAN, July 29 (AFP) - Demonstrators Friday went on the rampage
in the city of Isfahan to protest the detention by security forces of
several women accused of failing to fully respect the Islamic dress
code, the newspaper Salam reported Monday.
Security forces arrested 300 demonstrators.
The unprecedented incidents broke out in Isfahan's Revolution
Square after security forces stopped women whom they accused of not
properly wearing the Islamic scarf, the newspaper said.
The scarf should be worn tightly over the head and the neck, fully
covering the hair and baring only the face.
The angry demonstrators broke windows in public buildings and
offices, prompting security forces to fire warning shots.
------------------------------
Date: 17 Aug 91 23:30:05 GMT
From: jonb@ingres.com (Jon Berger)
Subject: Newage (rhymes with "sewage") wedding ceremony
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
People who are planning a wedding do some weird things. In my case, I
found myself preparing for my upcoming nuptials by paging through a book
called "New Wedding Ceremonies" by Khoren Arisian (Vintage Books, 1973).
I don't know whether or not it was the result the punchiness brought on by
twelve straight hours of Wedding Details followed by a serious attempt to
write a serious ceremony, but the fact is that my fiancee and I found
ourselves rolling on the floor in helpless gales of hysterical laughter
over the excerpt I'm about to share with you. We hope you like it too.
Remember... this is for real. I am not making this up.
Prelude: "Consecration of the House Overture" -- Ludwig von Beethoven
Officiant: We join in Beethoven's consecration and reaffirm a new
consecration: the union of two already infinite plurals. This marriage is
the induction of two otherwise separate but infinite beings into an
infinitely larger Becoming.
Groom: There is no limit to induction. There is no limit to the inductive
growth of the We. This union of apparently two creatures is itself a
growing. It is a growing into growing. Today we are celebrating the
enormity of the beauty of the enormity of our growth [sic]: today,
tomorrow, and beyond all tense. We affirm that lovingness and livingness
are themselves united in growth, as are we.
It is therefore our glorious and divine purpose to fly mountains, to sow
petalscent, to kibbutz eternity, to will time, to expand with the
universe, to glorify glory, to love with love. All man-made restraints to
our fulfillment self-destruct before us. The serious scholarly spirit of
gravity, the lack of trust which dictates unhuman rules, in fact, anything
confining, is impotent before our auto-rejuvenating kinetic potential.
Bride: Where there is love is there trust is there limitlessness. We
affirm our limitlessness. We are flamboyant fools. [Got that right. Ok,
enough with the editorializing.] Together we shall mature but never age.
To grow old is a contradiction. To grow is the dictum. To mature is to
become younger and younger more and more gracefully. We hereby commit
ourselves to a serenity more flamboyant and more foolish than the
petalfall of Magnolia.
We are both in love, and we are in love with each other. To love is to
live is to create is to laugh is to revel is to share is to dance is to
fly is to prevail is to grow is to smile is to dream is to live.
Groom: We mean, of course, delight. [Of course. Oops. Sorry.] Delight
is what "we" means. This is the purest double helix of our us-ness.
Ultimately, all we effect in the world is immediately self-judged by its
consistency with our delight. We shall make our own conventions.
Essentially, what we want you to do is feel what we are saying. Being
able to feel something is the only way to know it. It is one giant step
beyond empathy until the feeling becomes _you_. We have discovered this
and are rediscovering it all the time. We feel what we know.
[ in order to save my typing fingers, we cut to the vows... ]
Officiant: Once again, sharing and trust enhance and cause each other in
an infinite instantaneous cycle which powers all exploits. Any things
which enhance and cause each other in an infinite instantaneous cycle, any
things which comprise an infinite pro-gress, comprise units and examples
of livingness. It is as when a man who is laughing sees himself laughing.
It is the trick of serendipity whereby one can create and observe the
creation at exactly the same moment: instant feedback. If there could be
degrees of livingness, they could be measured by how little entropy they
release.
Groom: We are infinite energy-generators, but this is inconceivable.
Therefore we are a miracle. A miracle stands -- or flies -- beyond vows.
And yet within us lies a drive which functions as a mutual vow.
Evolutionists call it integration, the tendency to organize or create, the
tendency _against_ the tendency to dissolution, the tendency _against_
entropy. This vow before vows is the affirmation to be as great as is
humanly impossible.
Officiant: (to the bride) Do you, ______, affirm to be as great as is
humanly impossible?
Bride: Yes.
Officiant: (to the groom) Do you, ______, affirm to be as great as is
humanly impossible?
Groom: Yes.
Officiant: And so we have returned to where we began, as a union of
already plurals. As a symbol of this mutual infinite instantaneous
cycle, this inpansion and expansion of the Nietzschean eternal recurrence,
______ and ______ will exchange rings.
(To the couple) ______ and ______, in expressing your private affirmations
before this public company, you have pronounced yourselves husband and
wife. You now face the prospect of a richer future than either of you
alone could have looked forward to before. Because you have a richer
future, you will also enjoy an infinitely greater present. From this
moment on, go your separate ways together, remembering always to be each
other's best friend.
Postlude music: "The End" (The Beatles, "Abbey Road"), "Eyes of a
Child" (Moody Blues, "To Our Children's Children's Children"). [The
Moody Blues have a hell of a lot to answer for.]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 1 Aug 91 09:42:44 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Old Guys With New Socks
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
"Old Guys With New Socks", give rap a touch of maturity
(AP) Larry McShane
NEW YORK -- Call these guys the anti-Menudo.
They're the "Old Guys With New Socks", the country's first retired
rap group. The grizzled geezers - who range in age from 57 to 75
live in Florida, never heard of a rap song before joining, and are
bent(mostly over) on getting as big as MC Hammer.
You can't touch this? They can't touch their toes either. Ice, ice
baby? Yeah, right here on the lower back - ooh. These guys are more
likely to break a hip.
The Old Guys are the brainchild of Drew Oshbar, who was overwhelmed
by the amount of New Kids on the Block mechandise when he went
shopping for Christmas last December.
He was struck with the idea of a parody; Oshbar decided to assemble
a pack of rapping retirees.
Recruiting old guys from his hometown of Vero Beach Florida, was like
finding icicles at the North Pole. They're everywhere. After a brief
setback - one of the original Old Guys suffered a minor heart attack
playing horseshoes - the current lineup was assembled.
There's Jack "Wildman" Waddel, 66, formerly of Chevy Chase, Md.; Larry
Bepler, 66, a Brooklyn native; Buddy Rowe, 57, from the Bronx; and
Harry Zalmanoff, 75, another Big Apple guy.
Rowe says he signed up "because they needed someone young who could
still think." Bepler, who plays the spoons as part of the act, has
become the band's "sex symbol". Waddel overcame Parkinson's disease
to make his rap debut. Zalmanoff's trademark is his bow tie.
Careful study of MTV has taught them the proper poses for a rapper to
cop; one photo features each with their arms crossed like Run-DMC,
albeit a wrinkled balding version of the rap crew.
Rap was a whole new world for these guys, who were more accustomed
to big bands and ballroom dancing than sampling or scratching.
Unlike their Florida neighbors, 2 Live Crew, these guys don't tap
dirty. Lyrics about shuffleboard, pension checks and driving slow
are as nasty as these guys wanna be.
"We're giving a message that getting old can be great. You don't have
to sit in a wheelchair, or sit on a couch watching television - you
know, a potato coucher", says Waddel. "Life can be beautiful, and
you can be part of it".
------------------------------
Date: 6 Aug 91 19:19:55 GMT
From: fadden@uts.amdahl.com (Andy McFadden)
Subject: overflow
Newsgroups: alt.hackers
In article <5126@skye.ed.ac.uk> richard@aiai.UUCP (Richard Tobin) writes:
>A simple way to tell whether the addition
>
> unsigned long a,b,c;
>
> c = a+b;
>
>overflowed is to compare c with a (or b). If c<a, then the
>addition overflowed, otherwise it didn't.
>
>This is completely obvious and trivial; I only post it because
>otherwise maybe someone will get a patent for it.
I do have the patent for it. It's called "binegative overflow comparature",
and is patent #71077345.
I also hold the patent for adding two integers. In fact, I'm currently
receiving royalties every time somebody rents Hans Christian Andersen singing
the "inchworm" song (2 and 2 is 4, 4 and 4 is 8...)
In addition, I have trademarked the name, "Richard", but you are safe from
prosecution because of certain grandfather clauses. However, if you choose
to name a child after yourself, you must receive written permission first,
or I am legally permitted to take custody of aforementioned child.
My lawyers will contact you shortly.
Thank you for using AT&T.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 91 14:32:00 CDT
From: Mark Shoemaker <shoe@convext.convex.com>
Subject: The Playhouse Is Closed (and other exciting TV news)
To: bob
-- (AP) Paul Reubans, the 38-year-old host of the children's show "Pee-Wee's
Playhouse", was arrested Friday in Sarasota, FL, on charges of indecent
exposure in an adult movie theatre.
On Monday, Reubans denied any wrongdoing. Also Monday, CBS, which
canceled his Emmy-winning show in April, said it would drop five
remaining "Pee-Wee's Playhouse" reruns from its Saturday morning lineup.
-- In other TV news, ABC has announced that the character "Doogie Howser,
M.D.", from the series of the same name, will lose his virginity during
the show's upcoming third season.
-- Lastly, today's topic on the Sally Jessy Raphael show is "Steroids Ruined
My Marriage". Tomorrow tune in for "Gay Gold Diggers", and Thursday
Raphael hits home with "My Sister-in-Law Stole My Husband and Newborn".
And so it goes....
Mark
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Aug 91 21:35:38 PDT
From: one of our correspondants
Subject: Two Japanese swordsmen storm Fuji Bank
To: yucks-request
Tokyo, Aug 16 dpa - Two Japanese rightwing extremists wielding
swords like latter-day samurai stormed a branch of the
scandal-battered Fuji Bank in Tokyo Friday.
Police, who arrested the two, said no-one was injured. The
swordsmen had ordered out customers and female employees. They then
threatened male staff and damaged fitments before demanding to see the
manager to hand over a protest letter.
Fuji Bank employees are allegedly involved in a huge credit
scandal. Last week two gunmen, members of a rightwing extremist group,
staged a similar action in the headquarters of the Nomura broking
house which is embroiled in a separate financial scandal.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Aug 91 22:06:31 -0700
From: karn@UCSD.EDU (Phil Karn)
Subject: Zinging it to the trademark attorneys
To: yucks
For all of you who have been just a little annoyed by people who keep
reminding you that "Unix is a trademark of Bell Laboratories" (or "Unix
System Laboratories" or whatever), this month's MAD Magazine suggests
one possible response:
"The December, 1990 issue of MAD (#299) has been brought to our
attention. Please be informed that incorrect reference was made to our
trademark STYROFOAM on page 12, ("MAD Reviews the 21st Century Ahead of
Time").
"STYROFOAM brand foam products include insulation used in the
construction industry, nautical billets and billets sold into the
floral and craft industries for further manufacture. STYROFOAM brand
plastic foam is not used to make cups, plates, food containers, trays
or the like.
"Instead of using STYROFOAM when making reference to consumer or packaging
products, please use 'foam' or 'plastic foam'; for example, 'foam cup',
'plastic foam tray' and 'foam packaging material'.
Marsha M. Lang
Trademark Attorney
The Dow Chemical Company"
[end of letter]
To which the Editors of MAD replied:
"M.- We were so moved by your letter we xeroxed it and scotch taped it
to our MAD(r) bulletin board with a band-aid! Everyone read it during
our traditional MAD(r) afternoon jello break (which, by the way, we
keep fresh by storing in baggies!). Before we knew it, everyone in our
office began sobbing and reaching for kleenex and chap stick (some even
needed vaseline and pampers!) There's no question about it -- Dow
helps us at MAD(r) bring good things to life! -Ed. P.S. -- What the
hell are nautical billets??"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 08 Aug 91 11:37:32 -0500
From: jrs@ecn.purdue.edu
Subject: For your amusement
To: spaf
Article heading in today's (8/8) Journal & Courier...
Pee-Wee Herman Dolls Benefit From Exposure
[I think the stories of Pee-Wee's..er...exposure have also inspired a
rash of related stories...three of which are enclosed below. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Aug 91 12:36:49 -0700
From: bostic@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Moral: Never masturbate with power tools
To: /dev/null@okeeffe.Berkeley.EDU
The following is the _Unusual_Case_ case column from the July 1991
issue of the trade magazine _Medical_Aspects_of_Human_Sexuality_, by
William A. Morton, Jr.
Scrotum Self-Repair
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse.
She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem
other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's
troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously
uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his
trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to
remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling
stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice
the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag
laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were.
Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the
machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch
staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him
to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum
antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery
the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and
debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty
staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened.
The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the
spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the
vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present.
Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and
the skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital
less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to
me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at
lunchtime with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the
regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the
canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of machinery. One day,
as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too
close to the belt. When his scrotum became caught between the pulley-
wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few
feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too
stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed
work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-gratification.
William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
Pennsylvania.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Aug 91 12:02:24 -0700
From: andy@satan.UCSD.EDU (Andy Ferrell)
Subject: New Surgery Recognizes that Size Matters
To: spaf
San Jose Mercury News (SJ) - Tuesday July 30, 1991
By: JOHN HUGHES, Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel
Edition: Morning Final Section: Living Page: 1D
A MIAMI cosmetic surgeon is basing a new procedure on Aristotle's
philosophy (paraphrased): "The best letter of recommendation is a good
appearance," says Ricardo Samitier.
And on a truth most men would rather not hear: Size matters. In medical
terminology, Samitier's experimental surgery is called Circumferential
Autologus Penile Engorgement. Less formally, the surgeon calls it
"designing your own penis."
"This is to add girth," Samitier quickly explains. "I can't do anything
about length."
But in the widely mythologized and misunderstood world of sex -- girth
is good. That's according to Samitier, the man semi-famous for his
proficiency at changing the shapes of mouths. In the circles of those who
buy their way to beauty, he is known as "Dr. Lips."
"Now," says Samitier, "they'll be calling me Dr. Something Else."
While Samitier talks confidently about the procedure, others are not so
sure. "It's not scientifically reliable," says Dr. Charles Horton, a
plastic surgeon from Norfolk, Va., who specializes in genital
reconstruction. "I view it with some skepticism."
About 20 months ago, a man who came to Samitier for a waist reduction
through liposuction made a request Samitier had previously considered
though he never had a willing participant.
"Since I'm going to have liposuction anyway," said the man in his 30s,
"and I need more girth in my penis, could you put (the fat) there?"
So Samitier put the fat there. "It's really a very simple procedure,"
Samitier says. "We just inject the fat . . . then mold it into the shape we
want, suture the needle puncture and that's it."
The new procedure is a variation of standard cosmetic surgery called
lipo-transplant, which, Samitier says, was developed to "fill in defects."
A local anesthetic, a shot of Valium. Twenty minutes to change it, wait
two weeks and use it.
Simple. As are the reasons Samitier got 35 phone calls on the first day
an advertisement ran seeking 10 volunteers for the procedure. (He performed
the surgery three times before placing the ad.)
"The first patient told me he wanted a bulge in his pants," Samitier
says. "He told me, 'When I wear my bathing suit, I want something to show.'
" I've seen thousands of penises, and I'd say his was average size. But
it's the same reason women have breast augmentation -- to look fuller
inside their clothes."
Samitier says there may be another application. In cases in which a
woman is considering vagino-plasto -- a procedure to shrink the vagina --
her mate might instead choose penile engorgement, which is far less
complicated.
His are the first cases of penile engorgement, Samitier says, and as
with any surgery, there are risks. The doctor says he is most concerned
about infection, but that so far none of the patients has gotten infected.
And there is, he says, the possibility that tampering with the penis
also could tamper with the psyche, causing sexual dysfunction. He says that
hasn't happened either.
In two separate injections, Samitier placed 100 cubic centimeters of fat
into the first patient, which, the doctor says, "essentially doubled the
circumference of his penis."
"One hundred cc's is a heck of a large amount to put in," says Horton,
the Virginia plastic surgeon. He foresees a rather unflattering scenario
should the fat dissolve -- as most plastic surgeons think it would. "It
could make the skin fatty and flabby and not firm." Three men who have gone
through the procedure made an agreement with Playboy to not discuss their
surgery with other media until after the magazine prints the story,
probably in September.
Samitier, who received his medical degree from Ross University in the
British West Indies, wants to teach his procedure to urologists. He expects
news of the surgery to be met with skepticism outside the medical
profession and with jealousy within it.
"Other doctors don't think that cosmetic surgeons are doctors," Samitier
says, "so we have to overcome our own colleagues' prejudices.
"And since most doctors are male and have this deep down insecurity
about the size of their penises, nobody wants to discuss this procedure."
At a cost of $1,500 to $2,500 -- "depending on how fancy a penis you
want" -- Samitier says he expects demand for the operation to make him a
wealthy man.
"This is the first penile surgery since Abraham invented circumcision,"
Samitier says. "Now you can design your own penis. You can have hills and
valleys if you want them."
In other words, like other cosmetic cut-and-paste jobs, if you can
afford it, you can walk away with it. And if it changes the way the world
sees a man, it also might change the way a man sees the world.
"When (the initial patient) first came in here, he was all slouched and
meek," Samitier says. "He never looked you in the eye. Now, he's a lady
killer. The women in this office can't stand him, he's so cocky." [so to speak]
Copyright 1991, San Jose Mercury News
------------------------------
Date: 18 Aug 91 23:30:06 GMT
From: KH06352@swtexas.bitnet
Subject: Insurance Claim
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I.M. Nepane
123 Main Street
Austin, Tx 70069
Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th
New York, NY 05016
Dear Sir;
This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment in Guadelupe Valley
General Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference
to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the
original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was some-
what vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization.
I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite
to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my
business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my
trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
places came undone and fell striking my knee. Unthinkingly I immediately,
and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its normal position.
Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
body which were still exposed were trapped between the device's lid and its
main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back.
It quickly came to my attention that when one's privates are firmly attached
to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite
direction.
Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to re-open the lid,
however, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking mechanism
to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed
my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with
one of my keys, thus extricating myself.
Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner
as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quicly arrived and decided that
this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.
Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device
with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not
get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated
on your form in block 21(b)(1) ).
After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. The
guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a
rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the
device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device
located in the stall next to the one that I was in, since the value of the
property destroyed in his examination was less than fifty dollars/my deductable
I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent
fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall
with the propane torch that was in the fire-rescue truck.
The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of
such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. (1) The air inside of the device
would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same
effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. (2) The metal
in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with
the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. (3) Molten metal would
shower the inside if the device as the torch cut through.
The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small
pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along
with the device, into the waiting ambulance, enroute to my destination as
stated on your form.
Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word wich I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,
/s/ I.M. Nepane
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------