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Yucks Digest V8 #13
Yucks Digest Thu, 22 Oct 98 Volume 8 : Issue 13
Today's Topics:
... beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier.
A few from SCREAM OF THE CROP
Countdown to 2000
Dan Quayle
Fwd: flucuations
Fwd: That ain't puddin', mama, that ain't pie, ...
Guffaws #342
Headless headlines
Homer
Jim Rosenberg's Weekly Monologue
Multiculturalism - Waxing or Waning?
Pets
Resumes
Ruminations & Ponderances
Tonight on TV
Wednesday, October 7, 1998 Issue
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: ... beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Tom Coulter <tcoulter@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Shane Pilsworth (pilswort@ee.ualberta.ca)
WHAT KIND OF MAN MAKES THE BEST LOVER?
[If you don't like humor that is somewhat risque, you might want to
skip this one. --spaf]
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually
strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists,
overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually subconsciously
obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are
athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in expensive
suits with clean shirts and silk ties. Polished shoes are another
homosexual "tell-tale".
These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals,
taxis, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction, and are
often so insecure that they cannot bear to let a woman pay for a meal.
Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter
the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms,
relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can
come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them
"love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing
rumours about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are
discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!
HOW..."BIG"...SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion.
The average man's penis is 2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger
than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In
thickness, the average man is somewhat larger than a ball-point pen.
HOW..."LONG"...SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second
barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five
seconds. Very occasionally you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a
minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed
one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but
most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like something
inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or
buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies
the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a
little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a
vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely
unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually
memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing.
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If
you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see the a man's penis
fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does
not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating
a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth
on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think
they call the vagina your "private parts"?)
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have many ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh,
followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are
"GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football
or hockey game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly
satisfying post-coital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing
a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, crisps
and dip, to help her love restore depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man properly.
This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk
with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens,
you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a
sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really
good-looking girl friend over, and do whatever he asks, to him or to each
other, while he watches.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress.
Suspenders, fishnet stockings (black or red are both suitable colors),
lace-up basques and leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's
attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more
attractive and energetic girl friends over to take part. Another
technique. and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your
lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or
his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery"
to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on
a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, go to
a 'local' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've
found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse,
wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute can I buy you
a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally
progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
"If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
There is absolutely no way to tell.
"What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The
more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.
"What are some 'loving nicknames' we can use?"
You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong,"
"Master", or "Stud". Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh,
Miss?"
"Where should a man take me?"
Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy
meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a
snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking
about. Also, test your man by offering to pay for the meal -- if he
consents you can be sure you have found yourself a real man, confident in
his own sexuality and not threatened by a financially independent woman.
In these circumstances it is customary for the woman to reward this
concession on the man's part by performing oral sex on him.
"What happens if he doesn't call?"
He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your
'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another
person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes computer programs for
a living. Note: Male computer programmers, a category of mate much
sought-after by the more discerning female, can normally be identified by
their apparel -- look for any T-shirt bearing a design with a computer
theme. Finding a truly virile and satisfying lover can be as simple as
keeping your eyes open for a T-shirt with the words "C++ Programmers Do
It With Objects" or "Code Warrior". When you have identified your target,
act swiftly, or he is sure to be snapped up by some other young girl --
possibly a prettier one with larger breasts. So, as soon as you have
spotted the tell-tale signs, get those buttons undone and try the "Can I
buy you a drink?" line: you are sure to have found yourself a new,
exciting lover.
[Makes me want to put on a T-shirt, clip my PalmPilot to my belt, and
see if some young lady wants to go to McDonalds with "Mr. Smith.".
Ah, youth! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1998 18:37:25 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: A few from SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: smock@flatoday.infi.net
BASIC POINTERS FOR AIRLINE TRAVEL
(or "How To Be Less Of An Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While
Traveling")
By Vince Sabio (& copyrighted) (This came to me via Yucks Digest
Yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu )
1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the
overhead compartment.
2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control,
then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.
3. Stewardesses do not have ESP: Learn the proper use of the CALL
button.
4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right
into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading
that column.
5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on typing
disparaging comments about you.
6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily
sedated; (2) checked baggage.
7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in
First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.
8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all
know you got there on an upgrade.
9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate a
tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's
fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out
his contacts when stowing the table.
10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.
11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but
here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the
week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental deployment
of the air bags during flight.
12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at
least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?
13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat
directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you
INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your
briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, then expect to
retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination.(*) <g> And yes, it
will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting
flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.
14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or
on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you
started with.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All
Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Basic
Pointers For Airline Travel," provided that the byline (above) and this
copyright statement are included.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
From rubin@panama.c-com.net
** A Woman's Basic Book....About Men **
1. Women don't make fools of men, most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
2. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: You've gotten
sick of him.
3. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies
about other things too.
4. A woman's work that is never done, is the stuff she asked her
husband to do.
5. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one -- they try harder.
6. Go for younger men. You might as well...they never mature anyway.
7. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to
men--"don't" and "stop" (but not used together).
8. Men are all the same...they just have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
9. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will
usually find that he is.
10. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of
five men....a woman.
11. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men; strong,
caring, loving....they'd be wrong, but you could still use them!
12. Men are like animals...messy, insensitive and potentially violent
but they make great pets!
13. Men's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per man.
14. Husbands are like children...they're fine if they're someone else's.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>From Kelli:
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't
know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm
afraid we're broke." The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a
drive into town."
Husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a
drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off
they go into town. When they get there the wife points and says, "See
that office building? We own that."
Husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible
and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the
richest part of town.
Wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
Husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What
makes you think we own all this property?"
Wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you
would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and
invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not
bad, eh?" Husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good
with money I'd have given you ALL my business."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 21 Jul 1998 17:59:51 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Countdown to 2000
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
COUNTDOWN TO 2000
by Joe Lavin
To: The American People
From: The US Government
Subject: The Year 2000 Problem
We here at the US Government realize that many are nervous about the Year
2000 Problem, and we would like to take this opportunity to inform you that
there is no need to panic. Your friends here at the US Government have
everything under control, and we fully expect that all our equipment will
be completely Year 2000 compliant well within the next 18 years -- er,
months. While there is still much work to be done, we would like to take a
moment to recognize our accomplishments and update you on our progress so
far.
Al Gore: We are happy to report that the circuitry used in the Vice
President is now almost entirely Year 2000 compliant. Contrary to some
reports, the Vice President will not spontaneously combust on January 1,
2000. There is a small possibility that he will lose full mobility, but as
the Vice President has never previously operated at full mobility this
should not be an issue.
Social Security: Our Social Security system, unfortunately, is not Year
2000 compliant. A task force was formed to look into this problem, and
their report recommends that since the whole program is scheduled to
collapse in a few years anyway our resources would be better focused
elsewhere. We are sure you understand.
IRS Pit Bulls: All IRS pit bulls are now fully compliant. You should be
relieved to know that IRS pit bulls will still be able to tear out the
innards of all tax evaders in the year 2000. Because of problems with our
programming code, there is the possibility that some citizens will be
mistakenly labeled as tax evaders, but luckily the pit bulls will still be
operational. Also, we are happy to report that the rack is fully Year 2000
compliant.
In other IRS news, our brand new tax collection system will be ready to
begin operation well before 2000. This should mean no disruption in the
collection of taxes. However, our new tax refund system is currently
behind schedule, and we may be forced to continue using our current system
(a non-compliant Pentium 386 that we keep in the IRS basement) past January
1, 2000. This may cause some delays in tax refunds, but luckily your
refund should be delayed no more than six years.
Pentagon Toilet Seats: Unfortunately, the recently purchased Pentagon
toilet seats are not fully Year 2000 compliant. Vinnie, our sales
representative at Vinnie's Discount Toilet Seats Inc., confirmed that all
toilet seats do need to be replaced. "Er, yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to
replace all those because of that, er, whole computer thing. Right, the
computer problem. That's it." Vinnie told us. Estimated cost of
conversion: $17.6 trillion.
The Bridge to the 21st Century: We regret to inform you that the Bridge to
the 21st Century is not Year 2000 compliant. We suggest you find another
route.
Computer Systems: We are happy to report that we have made excellent
progress towards our goal of making all government computer systems Year
2000 compliant. In fact, our second quarter 1998 project -- updating all
mouse pads -- was completed a full month ahead of schedule. We have
decided to take a few weeks off to celebrate this success, but soon we will
be tackling our next project -- correcting the code for all copies of
solitaire and minesweeper. Also, George from the FBI reports that all
government computers will still be able to access porn in the year 2000.
Nuclear Warheads: We are happy to report that most of our nuclear warheads
are Year 2000 compliant, and practically none will detonate at the turn of
the century. We think.
The Clinton Legal Defense Fund: Luckily, the Clinton Legal Defense Fund
has always been Year 2000 compliant. Even if no computers are operational,
the Clinton Legal Defense Fund will still be accepting donations. To
ensure a speedy delivery, carefully place your donation in a paper bag
outside the White House. Please unmarked bills only!
The National Debt: Unfortunately, the computers used to determine the
national debt are not Year 2000 compliant. It has come to our attention
that these computers will crash and cause the entire world economy to grind
to a complete halt on January 1, 2000. Our best recommendation is for
everyone owed money by the United States to immediately cancel the debt in
the interest of world stability.
We have set up a special toll free number for this purpose. Those entities
wishing to cancel our debt should please call 1-888-NO-DEBT. Operators are
standing by, and as luck would have it the computers for the No Debt
Project are fully Year 2000 compliant.
Thank you for your time, and we wish you a happy millennium.
Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin <joe@joelavin.com>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 07 Oct 1998 18:40:24 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Dan Quayle
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
Dan Quayle announced he will probably run for the Republican
presidential nomination in the year 2000. "His timing is perfect. The
country is getting sick and tired of Viagra jokes." --Argus Hamilton
ShopTalk, 26 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Looks like Dan Quayle will be running for president. "Quayle said today
if he doesn't get the Republican nomination in 2000, he will run again
in four years, in the year 6000." --Jay Leno
ShopTalk, 11 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax
increases 'revenue enhancement.' Not so. No one was fooled." --former
Vice President Dan Quayle
Terry Marchal <gazterry@aol.com>
Charleston Gazette <http://www.wvgazette.com/Columns/Terry.html>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dan Quayle said he would probably seek the Republican Party's nomination
for president in 2000. "Political analysts say it's unlikely that
anyone would support his candidacy except comedians." --Johnny Robish
ShopTalk, July 3, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
I'm confident that the Republican Party will pick a nominee that will
beat Bill Clinton. --Dan Quayle, about the presidential election in the
year 2000
ShopTalk, 11 Jun 98 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dan Quayle hired one of the country's top campaign managers to manage
his run for the White House in 2000. "The guy was hired just in time.
Quayle was this close to coming out against HMOs in the military."
--Argus Hamilton
ShopTalk, July 16, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jesse Jackson is hinting he may run for president in 2000. Dan Quayle
is in no hurry to make a decision. After all, that's four years from
now. --Alan Ray
ShopTalk, June 30, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Dan Quayle is considering a run for the presidency in 2000. He's
already got his campaign theme worked out. Building a bridge to the
20th Century. --Alan Ray
ShopTalk, Sep 22, 1997 <SHOPTALK@LISTSERV.SYR.EDU>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 14:56:55 -0500
From: Rex Black <rexblack@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: Fwd: flucuations
To: yucks
I usually don't forward on this kind of joke, being possibly offensive in
the wrong kind of way, but it cracked me up too much to keep it to myself...
>From: Gordon page <gordon_page@bmc.com>
>Subject: flucuations
>
>An Asian man walks into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen
>and walks out with $72.
>
>The next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.
>
>He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The
>lady says, "Fluctuations."
>
>Asian man storms out, and just before slamming the door turns around and
>says "Fluc you clazy Amelicans too!"
>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 14:45:51 -0500
From: "Benjamin A. Kuperman" <kuperman@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Fwd: That ain't puddin', mama, that ain't pie, ...
To: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Simply in the interest of furthering education :)
----- Forwarded message from Dennis William Brylow <brylow@cs.purdue.edu> -----
> > BONN, Oct 8 (Reuters) - A German restaurant has been attacked as
> > "tasteless" for serving sushi on naked models lying on top of tables.
Believe it or not, I have heard of this before.
The Germans did not invent this; it is an actual Japanese "delicacy",
apparently well-enough known as to actually have a proper name.
"Wakamezake", which means "sushi served on a naked woman," is an
honest-to-goodness word in the Japanese language, that I was taught
while I was over there. (I don't know if it would actually appear in
Webster-san, but it was slang taught to me by Japanese college students
when we were holding a contest to see whose language had a word for
the crudest concept. I asked my Japanese professor the next
day, and sure enough -- he knew what it meant.)
----- End forwarded message -----
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 11 Oct 1998 22:44:19 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #342
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
Lawyer jokes are a cliche, but some of these are pretty good.
Pete
LAWYERS
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? A: Your honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? A: Senator.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
A: Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a 1-in-3 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetery
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A: Their personalities.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that
they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.
Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 19:31:12 -0300
From: Lupe Andrade <lupeandrade@krsul.org>
Subject: Headless headlines
To: coty@mail.entelnet.bo
Firm Grasp of the Obvious Department
> From the Notebook pages of The New Republic 1995:
> --------------------------------------------------------
>
> Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link
> Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
>
> Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us
> Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
>
> Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut
> The New York Times, November 22
>
> Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find
> The Los Angeles Times, November 2
>
> 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories
> Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
>
> Alcohol ads promote drinking
> The Hartford Courant, November 18
>
> Malls try to attract shoppers
> The Baltimore Sun, October 22
>
> Official: Only rain will cure drought
> The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
>
> Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men
> The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
>
> Low Wages Said Key to Poverty
> Newsday, July 11
>
> Man shoots neighbor with machete
> The Miami Herald, July 3
>
> Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes
> The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March
> 30
>
> Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows
> The New York Times, March 10
>
> Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies
> The Los Angeles Times, March 2
>
> Scientists see quakes in L.A. future
> The Oregonian, January 28
>
> Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning
> The Buffalo News, February 26
>
> Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold
> Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
>
>
> Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer
> Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
>
> Economist uses theory to explain economy
> Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
>
> Bible church's focus is the Bible
> Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
>
> Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons
> Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
>
> Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity
> The Chicago Tribune, March 5
>
> Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear
> Journal of Commerce, April 20
>
> Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person
> The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
>
> Lack of brains hinders research
> The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
>
> How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says
> author
> Louise Hart
> Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
>
> Fish lurk in streams
> Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 15 Jul 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Homer
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Craig Wright <froggy@earthlight.co.nz>
The World According to Homer. J. Simpson.
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with
fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you
had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to
learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet,
they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city,
keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode!
I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you -- the three sentences that will get
you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea,
boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.'Dear Baby,
Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time.
Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's
that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and
foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every
day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy
who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those
Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin',
did you?"
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're
making a scene.'"
Submitted by Claire Cameron.
[Wait a minute....*I* think I said that last one! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 20:49:08 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Jim Rosenberg's Weekly Monologue
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
JIM ROSENBERG'S WEEKLY MONOLOGUE -- February 19, 1998
The NY Times reported on the pharmaceutical industry's questionable trend
of marketing mental-illness health drugs directly to consumers. In fact,
Prozac will now be marketed as "The
whining-sobbing-freaking-vegging-slumping so you can function medicine."
NASA's Voyager I, launched in 1977 became the most distant man-made object
in space, as it passed the 6.5 billion mile mark. The only known object
with higher mileage is, of course, Madonna.
Officials of AAA on Wednesday unveiled a new campaign to combat so-called
"road rage." The plan centers around stress-reducing giant foam rubber
middle fingers available from AAA for $19.95.
The French researcher who advocated drinking wine to reduce heart disease
now says wine also protects against cancer. Findings show that no amount
of wine, however, can drown out the pain of having to live among the
French.
A new report suggests that sunscreen is not as effective in blocking
ultraviolet rays as originally thought. In fact, the only real benefit is
that when you rub it on a member of the opposite sex, it often leads to you
getting out of the sun.
The White House complained again about the "circus atmosphere" and I can't
help but think they wouldn't have this problem if they didn't hire Sword
Swallowers.
Robert Downey Jr. was released from jail for a day to do some film work at
Paramount Studios. He ate a pizza, took a long walk in the outdoors, and
bought a 2 inch thick solid cast-iron girdle.
A federal scientist says a red pepper spray commonly carried by Alaska
hikers to ward off aggressive bears may be more likely to lure them to
investigate the smell. The same spray is also routinely used on White
House interns.
In Los Angeles, a former supermarket butcher sued the store for libel and
slander, alleging he was wrongfully fired for cutting meat to resemble
female genitalia. This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "Rack of
Lamb."
The inventor of the airplane-boarding ramp has died at age 85. As mourners
passed his casket, they murmured "Bye. Bye now. Bye. Buh-bye. Bye. Bye
now ..."
On this day in 1930 -- Pluto, the ninth planet of our solar system was
discovered -- by a bunch of scientists who couldn't tell Uranus from a hole
in the ground.
The Rolling Stones will wrap their North American stadium tour with a
concert at the Joint, a 1,400 capacity venue at the Hard Rock Hotel &
Casino in Las Vegas. Show your AARP card and get 50% off!
President Clinton's relationship with former intern Monica Lewinsky could
be a "very complicated story," White House spokesman Mike McCurry said
Tuesday. Apparently, Clinton tried to explain it to McCurry using dolls,
but was unable to bend them into the appropriate positions.
According to the owner of Washington area Domino's Pizza chains, the
weekend of January 24th, the all-time record was set of over 400 delivered
pizzas. Of course, 100 of those were delivered by Kenneth Starr's office
with the new subpoena topping.
The White House denied Sunday that it tried to win soft treatment from
actor John Travolta in the film version of the book "Primary Colors,"
insisting that Travolta "was the most qualified individual" for the new
$100,000 post of "Ambassador to the 1970's."
Now that the WNBA is so successful, the last frontier is NASCAR.
Personally, I can't wait for the day I hear "We had the
Pamprin-Wonderbra-Estee Lauder-Tampax #5 car runnin' real good till it got
sideways and blowed an engine."
Yesterday was President's Day, and I don't think Bill Clinton is going to
get on Mount Rushmore -- although it does look like he is on pace to mount
more.
Monica Lewinsky allegedly sent Linda Tripp e-mail in which the former White
House intern talked about her affair with President Clinton. It's part of
the "Bimbo-L" moderated Internet mailing list of Presidential mistresses
with over 5,000 subscribers and growing.
A woman is about to give birth to "the oldest newborn in the world," an
embryo frozen for 7 1/2 years before thawing, doctors said Friday. The
embryo has already received several romantic letters from Seattle teacher
Mary Kay LeTourneau.
The Mir space station will soon start carrying advertising to help defray
the cost of running the 12-year old craft, according to the Itar-Tass news
agency. But first, they are going to have to take off that When this
Station's Rockin' -- Don't Come Knockin' sticker.
Britain said Monday it would do all it could to convince Iran to lift a
9-year-old death threat against author Salman Rushdie, beginning by naming
him an "Honorary Spice Girl."
Actress Kim Basinger has issued a protest following the death of a baby
elephant as a result of what she termed "cruel" treatment by a U.S. circus.
Britain's Prince Charles joined in the condemnation, noting "the
persecution of big floppy-eared freaks must end."
Today is President's Day, and it's hard not to feel sad how far we've sunk
since George Washington said "I cannot tell a lie -- I cut down that
intern's cherry tree, if you know what I mean."
Canadian ice skater Elvis Stojko was foiled in his bid for an Olympic gold
medal. The good news is, he was asked to join The Lollipop Kids.
Sen. John Glenn, NASA's newest and oldest astronaut at 77, will be
accompanied into space in October by a heart surgeon and a doctor trained
in emergency medicine. NASA has repeatedly denied the requests of Dr. Jack
Kevorkian to ride along and "counsel" Sen. Glenn.
People Magazine is reporting that Sharon Stone is planning to get married.
I want to start the bidding right now at $1 million for wedding pictures of
the garter removal.
A Mexican woman, 28, in northern Chihuahua, taking the fertility drug
Pergonal, is 6 months pregnant with either 8 or 9 babies. Sadly, Florida
Marlins owner Wayne Huizenga insists that the family must be broken up or
he'll continue to "hemorrhage money."
An investigation is underway in the case of a New Zealand woman who may not
have been deceased when funeral home workers began embalming her.
Vice-President Al Gore is following the case very closely.
In Nagano, Canada won the gold medal in women's curling. Meanwhile, in
Arkansas, Paula Jones won the gold again for curling -- a subset of the
year-round "Big Hair Games."
President Clinton announced Friday that he will appoint National Science
Foundation Director Neal Lane as the new White House science adviser. His
first job will be to prove that oral sex isn't really sex.
A brawl in Los Angeles County Jail's lockup left actor/inmate Robert Downey
Jr. with a cut nose Friday. Apparently, the other inmate liked his sheets
not just fresh -- "Downey-Fresh."
Jim Rosenberg <jrosenberg@usa.net>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Oct 98 16:34:34 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Multiculturalism - Waxing or Waning?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Re: Why Dutch Drug Policy Threatens the U.S.
Forwarded-by: Daniel Steinberg <dss@opcode.com>
"But now come the storm troppers of homogenization, the food technologists
at Pillsbury, Campbell Soup, PepsiCo, Nestle, and Kraft, who have used their
deep-pocket marketing clout to dominate the grocery shelves and to gain
control of more than half of the Mexican-food market in the world, mostly
by snapping up regional companies and reengineering authentic products to
fit sales strategies. Apparently, to determine the level of 'spiciness' in
their Mexican edibles, these marketeers are all conducting their taste tests
on Norwegian-Americans in someplace like Scandinaviaville, Minnesota, where
they consider Miracle Whip to be 'a little zesty'. The new products of
these processors are about as Mexican as marshmallows.
"Indeed, at the Pillsbury Technology Center in Minneapolis...a twenty-member
team for the Mexican-food line includes not one Mexican or Mexican-American.
Christopher J. Policinski, who believe it or not is VP of Pillsbury's
Mexican-food subsidiary, essentially says his conglomerate does not care
about authenticity, pointing out that 'Internally, in our memos, we always
put the word Mexican in quotes'.
"Especially stinging to us Texans, though, is the betrayal of Pace Foods,
the once-proud San Antonio company that built a salsa empire on the jalapeno
plant... Today, Pace is the property of Campbell Soup, a New Jersey
company... Led by Pace's VP of Technology, Dr. Lou Rasplicka of Nebraska
(need i say more?), the company conducted a top-secret research project in
Hawaii to gringo-ize the jalapeno. Code-named 'Operation Big Chill' (who
comes up with this stuff?), the genetic crossbreeding project literally
removed all the capsicum from the pepper...
"Food historian Sidney Mintz of Johns Hopkins University notes that no-heat
jalapenos are a primo example of how the technocrats and corporatists of
the New World Food Order pretend to embrace a multicultural America, when
they actually are deculturalizing our country."
[from "There's Nothing in the Middle of the Road but Yellow Strips and Dead
Armadillos", by Jim Hightower]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Oct 1998 22:01:20 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Pets
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
PET APPRECIATION WEEK
This is Pet Appreciation Week, a time to do something special for your
pet, something they'll really appreciate, like:
* Lick your dog in the face.
* Bring your cat a dead bird.
* Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.
* Make a concerted effort to learn to purr.
* Eat supper on the floor.
* Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really
awful.
Andychap@aol.com
ALPHA Mailing List <owner-alpha@ldscn.com>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 16 Jul 1998 22:21:14 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Resumes
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
BUILDING A WONDERFUL RESUME!
Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for
dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you
in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.
THE NAME
Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith
goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith -- now that might turn a few
heads. Nicknames also help. Mark "Keyboards" O'Malley is good. Mark
"Kegsucker" O'Malley is bad.
THE ADDRESS
Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying you're from
the Bronx suggests you're tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you
believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!
THE PHONE NUMBER
Skip it. What are the odds they'll call -- 1,000 to 1. If they do,
they'll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his
second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume
unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a
recruiter or two.
THE AMBITION STATEMENT
Forget the ambition statement. You know what I mean: "Seeking a
challenging IS position using state-of-theart technology in a
high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for
the environment." A better idea is to tell them what you're NOT
seeking. "Not seeking a job where I'm paying my dues for eight years,
maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving
for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the
world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only
to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in
some noncritical, low-paying, dead-end, back-office position."
EDUCATION
Don't be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to
school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an
application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious
school. Until they respond, you're not lying if you list under your
education credits: "B.A. in Watersports Administration, Massatucky
State, 1993 ... and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer
Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT."
EXPERIENCE
Even fresh out of school, you've got to have experience. But don't
mention that you've invested in your own relational database or coded an
object-oriented commodity trading system.... Everybody's done that
stuff. I'm talking about hands-on experience: high-level management,
microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if you're a little light
in the experience area, don't tell lies. Instead, simply try a
bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For
example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, "Monitored
and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning
system." "Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface"
sounds a lot better than "played too much Nintendo." But don't try
"Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia
environment." Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much
MTV.
THE CLOSE
"References furnished upon request?" What kind of power-close is that?
Let me leave you instead with this recommendation: Close with impact.
Close with passion. Close with a line they'll remember, like "Please,
please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live."
Gwendolyn E. Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THINGS NOTED ON REAL RESUMES
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
Responsibility makes me nervous.
They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as
cockroaches.
I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
The company made me a scapegoat -- just like my three previous
employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to
ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial
management as the major sphere of responsibility.
I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer
does not know I am looking for another job.
My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant.
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
I'm a rabid typist.
Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.
HAND <smiles@bapp.com>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 20:46:56 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: Ruminations & Ponderances
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS & PONDERANCES
Whenever I walk into a bar, I always look for guys carrying ducks. That
way, the next time I heard someone at the water cooler say, "So this guy
walks into a bar with a duck...", I could say, "Yeah, I saw that guy."
--Zachary Good
I think the neatest thing about being elected President has got to be
showing a cabbie a $20 bill and saying "I live there -- take me home."
--G. Mark
It's a good thing Buddha didn't use his copy of the Abs Of Steel video,
because who would want to rub a washboard stomach for good luck? --Paul
Paternoster
I don't get goosebumps. They increase your surface area, so you lose more
heat, and that just seems counterproductive. --Adam Grossman
There is no way that I'm obsessed with Cindy Crawford, because I mean she's
*perfect* and if she's perfect (which she is) then she can't, you know,
*attract* psychos because that wouldn't be perfect. Right? --Jim
Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
You know that old saying, "Strike while the iron is hot?" Well, I think
that's a pretty dumb saying, 'cause I'll betcha a cold iron will hurt you a
bunch, too. --Charlie Acord
My life sucks so bad my ears pop just thinkin' about it. --Gary Smith
I had a dream the other night. They did a sequel to Forrest Gump and the
scene I saw was Forrest getting lost on a White House tour and peeking into
a room that explained that whole Bill, Monica, and dress thing. --Ken
Weinert
If I were a lawyer I would be mad at the other 99% who give the rest of
them a bad name. --Rick Owen
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; but paint balls might fun.
--Elizabeth McLeod
I think it should be illegal to wear your hat on backwards when you're
driving, because if I'm driving behind someone like that, it looks like he
is always looking back at me and it makes me nervous. --Tim Painter
You can never be too rich or too thin. I think that would make a great
tattoo for a lottery-winning anorexic. --Jennifer Ritzinger
I think a really fun new event for the Winter Olympics would be a biathlon
combining ice dancing and chugging tequila shooters. --Lee Entrekin
People say: Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. But it's a *gift*, and
I'll look at it any damn where I please now, thank you very much! --Jim
Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a
laughing gas factory would be pretty tough competition. --Greg Pettit
If I ever move to Arizona and live on a ranch, I will name ALL my kids
"Jake." It just seems right, y'know? --David Gwilliam
Whenever I come to my senses, I realize that I sound like a dumbass.
--Alexis Adams
Never give up on your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at school
without any clothes on, being chased by the Sta'Puft marshmallow man.
--Paul Paternoster
In "The Dukes of Hazard," I wonder if Bo ever called Luke, "Luke
Skywalker," you know, just for fun. --Jeff Grant
I reckon if you're ever going faster than the speed of light and you see
yourself die in the future in a really horrible manner, it's probably best
not to think about it. --Buck Joyce
I bet you could save a bundle in fuel costs for your old V8 car, with
minimal loss of performance, by using generic tomato juice instead.
--Larry Baum
If I played baseball, I wouldn't hit homerun #62. It's all a bunch of
hype, and we don't need more hype. On the other hand, it would be neat to
get my picture taken. --Brian Auten
I remember when I used to drop acid back in college. Man, does that stuff
eat carpets! --Eryk Nielsen
I've been called a cold, bitter person. Maybe I should drink less
lemonade. --Jamie Bronstad
Mom always used to say that if you can't say anything nice about someone,
don't say anything at all. Luckily for me, she never said anything about
just walking up and punching them in the face. --Michael Hayward
I would have too much pride to allow a girlfriend to support me. Well,
unless she was rich -- then I guess it would be okay. --Jason Click
I think I'm pretty powerful for a human, almost God-like! I can create
things like cheese sandwiches and pancakes, from stuff just lying around in
my kitchen. Okay, maybe more chef-like than God-like. Sorry big guy.
--Jamie Bronstad
Sometimes I wonder, "Why don't they ever use my ruminations?" And then I
remember, "I haven't sent them any." --Tom Brehmer
Putting a shell to your ear to try to hear the ocean is a bunch of crap.
It doesn't even sound realistic. So I bought one of those "ocean
simulators" from Sharper Image -- now THERE'S the ocean! --Mike Danseglio
Could you ever make a profit by including a million dollars with every CD
you sold? You could, if they each cost $1,000,018.75. --Eryk Nielsen
How was I supposed to know that "thinking outside of the box" DIDN'T
include dropping my pants? --Michael Hayward
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 09:30:43 -0700
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: Tonight on TV
To: "Gene (Yucks) Spafford" <yucks@cs.purdue.edu>
>>Tonight's Cable Television listings
>>
>> FOX
>> 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
>> 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
>> 9:00 Jiggle It Beach
>> 9:30 LA Chicks
>> 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
>>
>> UPN
>> 8:00 The Unwatchables
>> 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
>> 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
>> 9:30 Praying For Syndication
>> 10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
>>
>> WB
>> 8:00 Where My Wife At?
>> 8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
>> 9:00 Me & My Psychic
>> 9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
>> 10:00 Dawson's Clothes
>>
>> ANIMAL PLANET
>> 8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
>> 9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
>> 10:00 STAY!
>> 10:30 The Best of STAY!
>>
>> E!
>> 8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
>> 9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
>> 10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
>>
>> ESPN2
>> 8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
>> 8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
>> 9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
>> 10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight Training From Maui
>>
>> SCI-FI
>> 8:00 Space: 1972
>> 9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
>> 10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
>>
>> LIFETIME
>> 8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
>> 9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband
>> In Self-Defense
>> 10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
>>
>> TNN
>> 8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pig@&$#!
>> 9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
>> 9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
>> 10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
>>
>> TELEMUNDO
>> 8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
>> 9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
>> 9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
>> 10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
>> 10:30 La Hora De Goya
>>
>> PUBLIC ACCESS
>> 8:00 Blurry Steve
>> 8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
>> 9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
>> 9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
>> 10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
>> 10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
>>
>> CINEMAX
>> 8:00 Bare Ambition (Tanya Roberts)
>> 8:30 Naked Exposition (Traci Lords)
>> 9:00 Body Of Nudity (Dana Plato)
>> 10:00 Unclothed Anguish (Joyce DeWitt)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1998 21:47:02 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Wednesday, October 7, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
The Powerbook That Leaked
---------------------------------
>>>>Joke Category = True Stories -- Rating = G
In 1993, sometime in December, a customer walks in with a
dead PowerBook 165. Fault description: hangs on startup.
An additional symptom provided was: whilst being carried
from the customer's site to our service center, a 'sloshing'
noise was heard within the machine.
"Has anything been split on this computer?" I inquired,
but no, nothing of the sort had happened, protested the
client vehemently. Taking this with a grain of salt (no-one's
going to admit doing something that totally invalidates
their warranty and effectively wrecks their computer)
I went about filling in the repair order.
Back on the bench, I started the PowerBook up. Sure
enough, an address error on startup, just after 'Welcome
to Macintosh'. I lowered my ear to the keyboard,
at which point I heard a crackling noise (couldn't hear
any sloshing noise though) and became aware of a rather
'sharp' odor which seemed to emanate from the inside of
the machine. Flicking the computer off and unplugging the
adapter, I removed the battery from its compartment,
only to observe that the entire battery casing was soaked
in a fluid which appear to have a rainbow-like sheen (kind of
like what a puddle of soapy water would look like -- oily
and colorful). I also noticed that the same fluid was leaking
out of the battery compartment onto the static mat,
but appeared clear rather than multi-colored. My first
thoughts were that the battery had somehow leaked acid
out into the guts of the PowerBook, which would account for
the sharp smell (which reminded me of ammonia), yet the
battery terminals were about the one part of the battery that
was dry. No, upon closer examination, I ruled the acid
theory out. The battery was wet, but not leaking.
Tipping the machine on its side, I watched more fluid run
out and coagulate on the bench in a puddle about the size
of a compact disc. It was definitely clear, and I observed
that the 'rainbow' effect had been caused by the reaction
of the plastic battery casing to this 'mystery liquid'. I then
unscrewed the computer and separated the two parts of the
PowerBook. The smell suddenly became a LOT stronger.
The hard disk looked like a solid lump of rust, and the
daughterboard appeared to have about three barbecued chips.
Although I was quickly forming my own opinions on
what had happened, I invited several of my workmates in
to take a sniff and offer an opinion.
We were unanimous in our decision. I rang the customer,
who seemed surprised when I asked the question:
"Do you have a cat?"
As it turned out, he didn't have a cat, but he did have a lovely
fluffy bunny rabbit who was seen in the vicinity of the
PowerBook only the day before. Yes, there was no doubt about
it, little fluffy had hopped up onto the keyboard and downloaded
some incompatible data. I checked the warranty form, but there
was no provision for failure due to rabbit urine anywhere.
I advised the customer to get in touch with his insurance company.
In the end, the PowerBook was biffed and the customer upgraded
to a 180c. I cleaned up the static mat and sprayed the service
department with a healthy dosage of "Fresh Field of Flowers."
I checked in with the customer about a week later, asked how was
he enjoying the 180c, asked if he'd managed to restore his data,
and, of course, asked how was his rabbit?
"Delicious," he said.
submitted by Keith E. Sullivan
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End of Yucks Digest
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