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Yucks Digest V8 #14
Yucks Digest Mon, 26 Oct 98 Volume 8 : Issue 14
Today's Topics:
1998 DARWIN AWARDS
[Fwd: [scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP] (2 msgs)
[Fwd: Tragic News]
[scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP
A great line from Usenet
A rising Starr in Publishing
Cats
Congress to release more documents.
Did You Know??
Friendship is a rare and beautiful thing.
Funnies: email junkies -Forwarded
FW: Signs of workplace burn-out
Fwd: Talent (Fast-spreading Urban Legend O' The Day)
Guffaws #349
Have You Seen Miss Green?
I'd like to thank absolutely nobody.
JOKE: Fwd: Alternative Testing Proposal
JOTD
N. F. L. Announcement
New application for DNS
Ruminations
Shrink Wrapped Too Tight
The Comedian's-eye View of 10/23/98
Top5 - 10/16/98 - Items in the New U.S. Budget
Top5 - 10/20/98 - Homecoming King or Queen
Top5 - 10/21/98 - Least Used Personals Acronyms
Top5 - 10/23/98 - Surprises on John Glenn's Space Mission
While waiting for ...
Yum!
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the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1998 22:21:08 PDT
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: 1998 DARWIN AWARDS
To: spaf
1998 DARWIN AWARDS
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the
Darwin Award -- It's an annual honor given to the person who
provided the universal human gene pool the biggest service by
getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As
always, competition this year has been keen. Some candidates
appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!
DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned out when he ran," according to his wife,
accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he
had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers
said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from
the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet
of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their
hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident
of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue
workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while
about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA,
as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he
was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he
had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick
Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet
Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could
not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in
Selbyville, Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would
not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and
pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel
Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision,
thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with
their snowmobiles.
DARWIN AWARD - HONORABLE MENTIONS
1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a
millipede with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet
ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio
Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to
clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in
favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first
and second floors of his house.
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ,
in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a
quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While
driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but
they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far: In Betulia, Colombia, an
annual festival in November includes five days of amateur
bullfighting. This year, no bull was killed, but dozens of
matadors were injured, including one gored in the head, and one
Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's just one bull against
[a town of] a thousand morons."
AND THE WINNER:
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt
fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative
and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly, and suffocated the keeper
under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators say that the ill-fated
Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an
olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him like a
dump truck full of mud. "The sheer force of the elephant's
unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant
continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said
flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no one
there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an
hour before a watchman came along, and during that time, the
keeper suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak
accidents that happen."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:40:14 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [Fwd: [scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP]
To: mari schupp <mari_schupp@mail.sel.sony.com>
>From Ajkjjl@aol.com
"HI AND WELCOME TO THE MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE!
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5 & 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the
mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state you name, address, phone number,
date of birth, social security number and your mother's and
grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep -
or before the beep - or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are
far too busy to talk to you.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
"When professors want your opinion, they'll give it to you."
- Unknown
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 09:27:31 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [Fwd: [scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP]
To: mari schupp <mschupp@aol.com>
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
>From Peaches:
"The Evolution of Mom"
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with
each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child
differs from having your first:
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN
confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and
writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt
Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your
finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last
time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate
them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper, a frown-you pick
up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical
swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and
Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry
cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call
home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a
number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she
sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 19:37:17 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [Fwd: Tragic News]
To: mari schupp <mschupp@aol.com>
From: JJW62@aol.com
Date: Sun, 27 Sep 1998 09:29:07 EDT
Tragic News..
.
It is always sad to have to send you a message like this.
Today there is a great mourning in the entertainment world.
The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died today.
The really horrible thing about his death is they could not
keep him in his casket. They put his left leg in and---------well
you know the rest.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 1998 22:37:08 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: [scream_of_the_crop] SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: scream_of_the_crop@egroups.com
I'm dedicating this one to John Glenn, whose launch I could see from my
front yard (if I wasn't at work. Can see it there, too, but nowhere as
well).
I got this from FunnyMail Issue #199, run by MWoneis@aol.com
Career Advice
I am at a career crossroads; should I become an astronaut, a fireman, or
a system administrator?
This is the kind of question that these "handy comparison charts" were
just made to answer:
PURPOSE OF YOUR CAREER
Astronaut: Advancing scientific knowledge for the good of humanity.
Fireman: Saving lives and property.
Sysadmin: Assuring uninterrupted access to alt.binaries.erotica.sheep.
ADVICE YOU'LL GIVE KIDS WHO WANT TO FOLLOW IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
Astronaut: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Fireman: "Study science and math and eat your vegetables."
Sysadmin: "DON'T DO IT! RUN AWAY!"
QUESTION YOU'LL BE MOST TIRED OF ANSWERING
Astronaut: "Where do you go to the bathroom?"
Fireman: "Do you really slide down a pole when the alarm goes off?"
Sysadmin: "Can't you do anything about all this spam I've been
getting?"
WILL YOU EVER BE ON TV?
Astronaut: Yes!
Fireman: Occasionally.
Sysadmin: Only MSNBC's "The Site," which doesn't technically count as
TV.
WILL YOUR JOB EVER GET ANY EASIER?
Astronaut: As computers get more and more advanced and able to control
more of the functions of the space vehicle, yes.
Fireman: As more and more people install smoke detectors in their
homes, yes.
Sysadmin: As more and more clueless newbies discover the Internet,
absolutely not.
INSPIRING MOVIE ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: "The Right Stuff"
Fireman: "Backdraft"
Sysadmin: Uh... gee, I'm really drawing a blank here... "Wargames"?
YOUR WORK HOURS
Astronaut: Fairly long days during the mission, but lots and lots of
time between missions to relax.
Fireman: 24-hour shifts, but 48 hours between shifts to relax.
Sysadmin: Not really "work hours" or even "work days"... more like
"work millenia."
FRINGE BENEFITS OF YOUR JOB
Astronaut: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Fireman: Lots of good stories to tell to impress members of the
opposite sex.
Sysadmin: You get ALL of the jokes in "Dilbert."
NUMBER OF COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOUR PROFESSION
Astronaut: A few, from people who think the government should be
spending its money in different ways.
Fireman: A few, from people who think you take too long to arrive
following a 911 call.
Sysadmin: You'll have to learn what comes after "trillion" to be able
to count them all.
YOUR VEHICLE
Astronaut: Multimillion-dollar space vehicle atop multimillion-dollar
rocket.
Fireman: Big red truck with flashing lights and siren.
Sysadmin: 1978 AMC Gremlin.
In conclusion, if the sysadmin option has seemed the most appealing in
even one of these categories, you should become a sysadmin.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 07:34:10 -0500
From: daniels@cs.purdue.edu (Tom Daniels)
Subject: A great line from Usenet
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu, coast-lab@cs.purdue.edu
From: Max Cates <max@purdue.edu>
When I saw this in a sig file on usenet, I thought you and your cronies
might find this funny...
The irony is that Bill Gates claims to be making a stable operating system
and Linus Torvaldis claims to be trying to take over the world.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 98 17:59:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A rising Starr in Publishing
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Jack Doyle" <whiteh2o@hotmail.com>
From: JayBaum <JayBaum@aol.com>
With approval of the source (who wishes to remain an anonymous employee of
a major publishing house), I forward this e-mail that she wrote to me last
week:
So - I'm handling all the schedules for printed material and I find out
today 4 of our book clubs are offering The Starr Report to their members.
My first reaction is "I'm ashamed of this whole corporation"; then they tell
me what clubs are doing it and what their rationalizations are:
Behavioral Science Book Service - is doing it as a case study in aberrant
behavior (they're not saying whose).
Readers Services - generally a book club that deals with high-toned
literature - is doing it as "an historical document"
Executive Program is doing it as a case study in inappropriate executive
behavior
But the last club Library of Speech-Language Pathology had me stumped, until
the ad manager opined "Well, it has something to do with swallowing."
I will not stop giggling for the rest of the day.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Cats
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
From: Joke List <rodney@rcjokelist.com>
Cats:
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 1998 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Congress to release more documents.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Jokes-l list <bdonison@etc.bc.ca>
From: stace@mcs.anl.gov (Craig Stacey)
WASHINGTON, DC - Frustrated by failed attempts to turn public support
away from the President, Congress today announced it would begin
releasing completely fabricated documents and videotapes on Monday.
Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed the press at the Capitol this morning.
"We feel that with the release of all the documents from the Starr
Inquisition, and the public still supporting the president, we need to
take further steps in our goal of overturning the 1992 and 1996 elections.
On Monday morning, we will release a diary of President Clinton's in which
he claims to have had dinner with Adolf Hitler, Ayatolla Khomeni and
Saddam Hussein, and later slept with them in the Lincoln Bedroom. He also
claims in the diary, 'Meat is murder, I am a communist, Die Capitalist
Die!' We will also release a doctored videotape showing the president
strangling a litter of small kittens."
A CNN/Newsweek poll following the press conference showed a slight rise
in the president's approval rating.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 07:40:17 -0700
From: "Schleier, Thomas (AZ75)" <Thomas.Schleier@CAS.honeywell.com>
Subject: Did You Know??
To: spaf
> Did you know..........
>
> ...if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced
> enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee...
>
> ...if you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
> produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
[As if anyone would be close enough to measure it. --spaf]
>
> ...the human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
> to
> squirt blood 30 feet..
>
> ...banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour...
[Why then am I not losing weight? --spaf]
>
> ...humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure..
>
> ...on average people fear spiders more than they do death..
>
> ...the strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE..
>
> ...it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open..
>
> ...you can't kill yourself by holding your breath..
>
> ...Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day...
[Not me. I get full after the first 3 acres. --spaf]
>
> ...every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie..
>
> ...that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
> poisonous spider?...
[Damn! I didn't know the corks could bite! --spaf]
>
> ...right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
> left-handed
> people do..
>
> ...in ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies
> including
> their eyebrows and eyelashes...
>
> ...a pigs orgasm lasts 30 minutes
[Still not enough to make me want to have sex in mud & manure. --spaf]
>
> ...a crocodile cannot stick its tongue out..
>
> ...the ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
> weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated...
>
> ...polar bears are left handed..
>
> ...the catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1
> for animal having the most taste buds...
>
> ...the flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human
> jumping the length of a football field..
>
> ...a cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
> death...
[Whereas some faculty manage it their entire career. --spaf]
>
> ...the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
> its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off...
>
> ...butterflies taste with their feet.
>
> ...elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
>
> ...a cat's urine glows under a black light...
>
> ...an ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain..
>
> ...starfishes haven't got brains..
>
> After I read all of these, all I can say is.....Damn Pigs!!!!!!
>
>
Tom Schleier
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Oct 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: Friendship is a rare and beautiful thing.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Jokes-l list <bdonison@etc.bc.ca>
From: WESLING@Eisner.DECUS.Org (Chris Wesling)
On the phone with a programmer friend of mine recently, I
noticed a couple of times he said complimentary things about
Microsoft. I didn't understand why until he mentioned, later
in the call, that he'd been taking some Microsoft technical
classes recently.
A few minutes later he _again_ said something nice about MS,
and I asked "So, have they been brainwashing you in these
Microsoft classes you've been taking?"
He chuckled. "Well, I have to admit that, contrary to popular
belief, Microsoft is _not_ Satan incarnate."
My response: "So that would be a 'yes' answer, then?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 14:35:05 +0000
From: John Meyer <j.meyer@ELSEVIER.CO.UK>
Subject: Funnies: email junkies -Forwarded
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu, hancock@network-1.com
From: Barry McGuinness <Barry.Mcguinness@elsevier.co.uk>
"You know it's time to join E-mail Junkies Anonymous when..."
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you
just
pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap, your
child
in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the
free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word
processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because
they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at
http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Oct 1998 15:05:37 -0600
From: alfred@GlobeSet.com (Alfred J Correira)
Subject: FW: Signs of workplace burn-out
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
10. You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you
immediately scream, "Get off my back, jerk!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but
go back to sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten
how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it
through, er... Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your
ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you
were in jail right now.
[Sadly, this really describes me these days. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 21:04:34 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: Fwd: Talent (Fast-spreading Urban Legend O' The Day)
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
---begin forwarded text
> Date: Mon, 26 Oct 1998 16:05:00 -0500 (EST)
> From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
> To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
> Subject: Talent (Fast-spreading Urban Legend O' The Day)
>
> Forwarded-by: Joe.Provino@East.Sun.COM (Joe Provino - Sun BOS Software )
>
> Beauty is more than skin deep at the Miss Vagina contest.
>
> I wonder what the feminists would make of this... Amsterdam this week was
> the venue for the inaugural Miss Vagina contest where hopeful young women
> from all around the world dropped their pants to try and win the coverted
> title of, er, Miss Vagina 1998. This was not just a passive line-up of
> pudenda, however - contestants were also judged on their 'special'
> talents. Miss Mexico was a hot favourite when she opened a beer bottle
> with her bits - one spectator in Amsterdam's Bronco Burlesque Barn fainted
> at the sight of it. But then she was upstaged by Miss India who played
> the flute and then pulled not one, not two, but THREE live snakes out of
> her tunnel of love. However the crown and $1,500 top prize eventually went
> to Miss Denmark. Her act? Well not only could she accomodate five ping
> pong balls numbered 1 to 5 down below, she could also produce - with no
> hands - any particular numbered ball on request. Now there's something
> that could spice up the National Lottery show...
>
> =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
> http://massload.com/maggie/Aug12.htm
>
> When She Fainted I Had Just Yelled 'Look Ma No Hands': - Opening a beer
> bottle using only her vagina, Miss Mexico thought she had it won at the
> first annual Miss Vagina contest sponsored by the Bronco Burlesque Barn
> in Amsterdam. However she was followed by Miss Phillippines, who shuffled
> cards, and the hometown favorite, Miss Netherlands, who could dispense
> any exact amount of small change requested by the audience. The eventual
> winner was Miss Denmark, who, working with five numbered ping pong balls,
> could produce any ball upon request.
>
---end forwarded text
[Why don't we see things like this on "Star Search"? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 1998 23:34:47 -0500
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #349
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
We need some chlorine for the gene pool...
Pete
THE DARWIN AWARDS are given every year to bestow upon (the remains of)
those individuals, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, have done the
most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool.
1997 DARWIN NOMINEES:
(#1) Los Angeles, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a
bees nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a "pineapple." A
pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of
one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch
from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the
hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the
brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards
their car, Ian was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst
to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation
enroute to the hospital.
(#2) A driver, who crashed into the side of a 3000 ton wheat train and was
dragged in his car more than a kilometer before being slammed into a pylon
at the edge of a cliff, fell to his death as he walked for help. The
Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving
along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on
Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully
laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing. (I guess that would be
harder to miss than the side of a barn!) The vehicle became wedged between
the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the
track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said.
After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an
unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments
before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon,
dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the
pair managed to free themselves from the wreck (I wonder if it was a
Volvo?) with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for
help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman
said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering
in Moree hospital with chest injuries.
(#3) Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional
revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
(#4) Phillipsburg, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a
local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
(#5) In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in
the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS (I.E. Non-fatalities)
(#6) Gulf Breeze, Florida, three unidentified teenage males were using a
home video camera to film an action/adventure "movie" one of the boys had
written. In a scene that called for one character to be ignited by fire,
the "special effects coordinator," age 15, prepared the "stunt" youth by
dousing lighter fluid onto his clothes. The intentional fire, which proved
unexpectedly difficult to extinguish, left the young man with third degree
burns on his left arm, torso, and both legs. It was all captured on film.
(#7) In Bradford, PA, J. Cruwe, 28, caught a small snake in his yard. As
a joke he placed the snake in a container which he handed to his wife. She
opened the container and, startled to see the snake, dropped it. The
excited and, as it turns out, poisonous, snake immediately bit Mr. Cruwe
on the shin. Mr Cruwe survived the wound and recovered after a short visit
to the local emergency room.
(#8) In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering by,
but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated
35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter
drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck. Determined to
terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured
some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several
unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels emptied the entire 5
gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite it again, to no avail.
Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined Mr. Michaels proceeded
to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down the sloping pipe to toss
the match. The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr.
Michaels back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed.
He exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched
directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished
friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through
the air. "There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,"
McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered only
minor injuries. "It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when
they shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was
sure I wouldn't get hurt."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 98 13:47:31 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Have You Seen Miss Green?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Don Teague" <djt@earth.pacaccess.com>
Forwarded-by: ACSU <acsu@gte.net>
A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man
walks in and kneels down - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last
confession - these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green."
"That is your sin?"
"Yes, Father."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say one Our Father."
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels, "Father, it has been
one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with
Nookie Green every week for the last month."
The priest thinks to himself this woman is fairly popular with his male
parishioners...
"Those are your sins?"
"Yes."
"You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Marys."
The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels, "Father, it has been
six months since my last confession. These are my sins - I have had sex with
Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months."
This time, the priest has to ask, "Who is this Nookie Green?"
"Just a woman I know."
"Very well, you are forgiven. Go out and say ten Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering what
the story is with this mysterious, but too well-known, Nookie Green woman.
The next Sunday the priest is in the middle of his sermon when the doors
fly open in the back of the church and in walks a woman, a tall redhead with
a green sequin dress, green sequined heels, and a green hat with a long
green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down
in the front pew right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest
can't help but stop and stare.
He finally catches himself and leans over to the altar boy, "Pssssst.
Joey, is that Nookie Green?"
The altar boy says, "No, it's just the reflection off her shoes."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 13:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: I'd like to thank absolutely nobody.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.bell-labs.com
>From the Acknowledgements to "System Effects", by Robert Jervis
At lunch with younger colleagues a number of years ago, I mentioned
that a journal had just rejected my latest article. They could hardly
disguise their relief at learning that this doesn't happen just to them.
In this spirit I would like to say that several private foundations and
public funding agencies declined to support this research.
So my debts are intellectual only....
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 23:37:18 -0400
From: Rex Black <rexblack@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: JOKE: Fwd: Alternative Testing Proposal
To: spaf
>From: "Barton Layne" <barton@bga.com>
>Subject: Alternative Testing Proposal
>
>
>
> AGRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill somebody.
>
> COMPRSSION TESTING: []
>
> CONFESSION TESTING: Okay, Okay, I did program that bug.
>
> CONGRSSIONAL TESTING: Are you now, or have you ever been a bug?
>
> DEPRESSION TESTING: If this doesn't work, I'm gonna kill myself.
>
> EGRESSION TESTING: Uh-oh, a bug... I'm outta here.
>
> DIGRESSION TESTING: Well, it works, but can I tell you about my truck...
>
> EXPRESSION TESTING: #@%^&*!!!, a bug.
>
> OBSESSION TESTING: I'll find this bug if it's the last thing I do.
>
> OPRESSION TESTING: Test this now!
>
> POISSION TESTING: Alors! Regardez le poission!
>
> REPRESSION TESTING: It's not a bug, it's a feature.
>
> SECCESSION TESTING: The bug is dead! Long lives the bug!
>
> SUGGESTION TESTING: Well, it works but wouldn't it be better if...
>
>RECESSION TESTING: Yes, it's a bug - but we can't afford to fix it.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 09:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Harry I. Rubin" <harry@redarrow.com>
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter
talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You've been going to college for awhile now.
Have you had sex yet?"
Chelsea says, "Well, not according to Dad."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 17:38:53 -0700
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: N. F. L. Announcement
To: kegel@fea.net
A. P.
Washington, D. C., Oct. 23, 1998
The National Football League announced today that the Washington, D. C.
franchise will no longer be known as the Washington Redskins.
The National Association for the Advancement of Native Americans in a
separate announcement took credit for the change, and promised to intensify
their efforts to get the Atlanta Braves and Cleveland Indian baseball
franchises to do the same. This is result of the combined efforts of Indian
groups with other civil rights groups culminating in success after a five
year campaign to have the derogatory name changed, the NAANA announced.
National Football League officials strongly deny the change was due to
pressure from Indian or civil rights groups. The N. F. L. states the changes
were necessary to reflect the recent character of the team.
The team will now be known as the Washington Tampons. This new name was felt
to be appropriate because Washington is good for only one period and it does
not have a second string.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 20:56:34 -0600
From: LaMont Jones <lamont@hp.com>
Subject: New application for DNS
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
[Numerous forwards deleted...]
% nslookup - hastur.rlyeh.net
> set querytype=txt
> set domain=adventure
> 1
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 19:22:07 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
Living in an all-glass house has its disadvantages, but seeing the birds
smack it makes it all worth while. --Kyle Gillette
How come when I drop my cat, it hisses and screeches, but when I drop my
baby brother, he doesn't do anything? --David Gwilliam
There are some things from the past that come back to haunt you. And I
bet an ex-wife with a meat cleaver is one of them. --Don Swain
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and
push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and
laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
--Dave James
I can't wait until my 20th High School reunion! The girls are going to
kill themselves when they see all the cool new stuff I've got in my
room. --Jim Rosenberg
I think that the height of rudeness is about six foot three. --David
Vincent
If someone got a Cheerio or Fruit Loop stuck in their windpipe, they'd
probably still be able to breath. --Aileen Menkin
I think from now on when people ask me, "How are you?" I'll just burst
into tears. That'll teach 'em not to be so nosy. --Alisa Meadows
Just who is this Didley Squat guy, and what's the big deal with me not
knowing him? --Dave Henry
Sometimes I feel like I really missed something. It's kind of like
showing up for work in the customary suit and everyone else is wearing
shorts and T-shirts. Not that that has ever happened to me, but I bet
that's how it would feel. --Matt Diamond
You know what I hate? When you go to a friend's house for a party, and
his parrot lands on your head and craps down your neck, and everyone
laughs... then you grab the parrot, wring his neck, and toss him out the
window... and *then* everyone thinks you're mean. I hate that. --Uncle
Fred
They say that love is blind. That's probably why you always end up
stubbing your toe. --Peter V. Servine
If someone left the cake out in the rain, it wouldn't be so bad if it
were a sponge cake. They could just give it a good squeeze and probably
no one would notice afterwards. --Paul Paternoster
Why is it that every time I decide to go out drinking all night, the
next day I find that some joker has broke into my car, and left Tacobell
wrappers all over the floor. --The artist formerly know as Rich
Attending my nephew's bris last week gave me the idea to initiate a
class action suit on behalf of all Jewish men against Jesus for tortious
interference with a contract. --Jonathan Colan
I stopped by the Roy Rogers Roast Beef place yesterday and bought a bag
of sandwiches. I bet they'll be worth a lot of money someday. --Lee
Entrekin
Some people think computers are hard to use, but they're wrong. I use
mine for a doorstop, and it's no trouble at all. --Steven Sugg
A man's best friend is his dog. However a dog's best friend is Howard
Mulnick of Canton, Ohio. --Kermit Woodall
I think I would fear death less if it came in a potpourri scent.
--Michael "Coach" Crawford
Being dumped by your fiance is *good*, in that it strengthens the bond
between all women, because we've all been there, sister. And, man, are
we glad we don't have to wear those ugly bridesmaid dresses. --Meredith
Ogden
If I had three eyes, I sure know which one I'd use when I wanted to wink
at someone special. --[name removed at request of author]
To make people wonder at a Halloween masquerade party, I'd go as Casper
the Friendly Ghost before he died. --Randall T. Moore
I think, deep down inside, little children *want* to be told the truth
about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just
to sit on my lap? --Don Swain
I bet going to hell is even worse for firefighters. --Fleet Admiral
Brendan Dillon
Ruminations & Top 5 List <top5@walrusnet.com>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 19:29:07 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Shrink Wrapped Too Tight
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
TOP TEN THINGS TO SAY TO WAKE UP YOUR SHRINK
10. "Enough about depression, let's talk about my abduction by space
aliens"
9. "Did Luke and Laura find the "Ice Princess" yet?
8. "Wanna go out for some beers?"
7. "I know you didn't ask for one, but I brought you a stool sample."
6. "Boy, that Paxil makes me sleepy, I've had to cut back to one quart
of vodka a day."
5. "I've been getting these intense cravings for human blood, is that
normal?"
4. "You know, that Jeffrey Dahmer wasn't such a bad guy."
3. "While I'm here, would you mind having a look at my hemorrhoids?"
2. "Is that a hair-piece?"
1. "Is that diploma real?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 98 15:13:16 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 10/23/98
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: 10/23/98 -- ShopTalk
Scary Store: Kroger's purchase of Oregon giant, Fred Meyer stores will make
it USA's largest supermarket chain....They plan to open the first combined
store on Halloween and call it "Freddy Kroger's. (Bill Williams)
Scary Spice: I think ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell is taking her recently
awarded U.N. Goodwill ambassadorship a little too seriously. She's now
insisting that everyone call her Boutros Boutros Spice. (Steve Voldseth)
Scary Dictator: Former Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet is accused of
terrorism, torture, and genocide. The jailed leader did get a bit of good
news yesterday. Psychiatrists say he is mentally fit to box in Nevada.
(Alan Ray)
Bomb Attack: Actor Kevin Costner will star in "13 Days," a film about the
Cuban missile crisis. "He's perfect for the part. Who knows more about
cinematic bombs than Costner?" (Perisho)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1998 12:38:16
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 10/16/98 - Items in the New U.S. Budget
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget
14> $12,500 for 535 subscriptions to "Cigar Aficionado"
13> $75,000 for "Environmental Cleanup" (Oval Office Scotchguard
Applicator)
12> $1 million for research to determine how to pronounce
"Slobodan Milosevic"
11> $18 to renew Jesse Helms's subscription to Spice Girls
Magazine, buried in the Senate food budget under
"Condiments"
10> $129,112 for maintenance and upkeep on Animatronic Al Gore
9> $150,000 Senate basement renovation, including tunnel to
Hooters
8> $50 million for Independent Counsel to begin investigation
of any Democrat who might ever consider running for
president
7> $150,000 for formaldehyde IV for Strom Thurmond
6> $15 for Buddy's new leash, and $150 for Bubba's, under
"Budgetary Restraints"
5> $18,500 for a new pick-up truck for Janet Reno
4> $10,000 for funding of the Annual Tip O'Neill Memorial
CornDog-eating Contest on the Senate floor
3> $1.29 to get Arafat his *own* tin of Altoids
2> $2 billion offer for New Jersey to leave the United States
-- no questions asked
and Top5's Number 1 Hidden Item in the New U.S. Budget...
1> $50,000 toilet seat? Check.
$85,000 lug wrench? Check.
$40 million porn novel? Check.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 8:17:31
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 10/20/98 - Homecoming King or Queen
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Signs You Won't be
Named Homecoming King or Queen
13> The Homecoming Queen Mum won't abdicate or die.
12> Despite the fact that you confessed, and that some portions
of the school weren't badly burned, the principal has
vindictively removed you from the running.
11> Too busy visiting your homeroom teacher and your new baby at
the prison hospital to attend the festivities.
10> Classmates still sore about you opening fire on them in the
cafeteria.
9> You managed to garner the support of the President of the
United States, but those AV club bastards caught you
doing it and sent the tape to Ken Starr.
8> Too busy helping with the local Star Trek convention to
think about anything else.
7> Your big pep rally speech, "Football should be abolished
because it distracts us from our studies," seemed like a
progressive idea at the time.
6> One word: pus
5> When you and the janitor are on a first-name basis, you
ain't gonna be no homecoming anything, protractor-boy.
4> You were already elected Homecoming Ho.
3> Your scrawny neck barely supports your bulbous head, and
the added weight of the crown would no doubt snap it like
a dry twig.
2> School name: Eldridge Cleaver High
Your name: Mark Fuhrman, Jr.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Won't be
Named Homecoming King or Queen...
1> Your loss in the all-night Dungeons & Dragons marathon
for the "Championship of the Cosmos" means that you have
to vote for your friend, Marvin.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Oct 1998 8:35:0
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 10/21/98 - Least Used Personals Acronyms
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Acronyms Least Used In Personals Ads
13> UYFSOMWPOV -- Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male
With Plenty Of Viagra
12> JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike
11> POJHFC -- President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club
10> CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President
9> MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB -- Moonwalking Single-Gloved
Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With
Predilection For Young Boys
8> RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor
7> HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor
6> VEBJ -- Very Expensive Boob Job
5> STLSM -- Showtune Loving Straight Male
4> SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown The President
3> EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick
2> WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto
and Top5's Number 1 Acronym Least Used In Personals Ads...
1> WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1998 11:21:30
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 10/23/98 - Surprises on John Glenn's Space Mission
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
The Top 13 Surprises During John Glenn's Space Mission
13> New automatic shut-off on turn signals prevents endless
embarrassment.
12> Constant "Who's better -- Pearl Jam or Glenn Miller?" fights.
11> "Ask Me About My Grandchildren" sticker mysteriously appears
on shuttle exterior after Senator Glenn's spacewalk.
10> Space suit re-cut to accomodate prostate swollen to
grapefruit size in zero-G conditions.
9> Constantly looking at Earth from window and remarking, "Now
*that* didn't used to be there."
8> "Help! I've fallen, and I can't get down!"
7> Game of "Which Golden Girl Wouldn't You Kick Out Of Bed?"
decidely less fun for some astronauts than others.
6> In space, no one can detect old man smell.
5> After taking Viagra in a zero-gravity environment, the
orbiting Glenn can clearly be seen from Earth without the
use of a telescope.
4> While others are on a space-walk, a confused Glenn yells out
the window: "You damn kids stay outta my yard!"
3> Location of Senator Glenn's space suit belt raised to just
below the arm pits.
2> Friggin' Vicks VapoRub stinks up the cabin for days.
and Top5's Number 1 Surprise During John Glenn's Space Mission...
1> Metamucil-powered "organic emergency boosters" are activated
by pulling the Senator's finger.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Oct 1998 20:55:33 -0500
From: Frederic Dumont <fdm@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: While waiting for ...
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
Collected from Nicolas Petreley's columns for Infoworld
* In the meantime, I'll kick off the effort with the Top 10 things
you can do while waiting for a stable, feature-complete version of
Windows NT 5.0:
10. Write a pig-latin translation of the Encyclopedia Britannica
and then read it aloud using verbal Morse code by making the sounds
"dit" and "dah."
9. Achieve world peace.
8. Transcribe the complete works of Johann Sebastian Bach to be
playable on the nose flute.
7. Invent a way to bake bread without those crusty ends that nobody
likes.
6. Build a full-scale model of Brooklyn with popsicle sticks and
Elmer's glue.
5. Acquire a taste for slug cookies.
4. Dig a tunnel through Pike's Peak using a plastic spoon.
3. Write a 1,000-page epic romance novel without using any words
that contain the letter "e."
2. Spit shine the World Trade Center.
And the No. 1 thing you can do while waiting for a stable,
feature-complete version of Windows NT 5.0? One word: evolve.
-- August 31, 1998
* Finger-tapping tip
I'm still looking for readers who are waiting for something besides
The Next Version of Windows NT. In the meantime, reader Patrick
Purcell submitted a great tip along those familiar lines:
What can you do while waiting for Windows NT 5.0? Stand on the New
York Harbor and watch continental drift cause the coast of France to
come crashing in."
-- September 7, 1998
* Finger tapping tip
Here are four things you can do while you wait for 100 percent Java
support in Internet Explorer: Find Jimmy Hoffa; find out if it is true
that when you dig straight through the earth you end up in China;
reconstruct every scene from Gone with the Wind using pipe cleaner
people; and devise a new language made up of words containing only the
letters Q, X, and Z. This tip comes to you courtesy of New Zealander
Keith Uhlmann. I have only one thing to say to your suggestions,
Keith. "Qxzzqqx."
-- September 21, 1998
* Finger-tapping tip
This week's tip comes from Ron J. Theriault, who tells us what to
do while waiting for Java 1.2: Paint his house. Several times. With a
1-inch brush.
Thanks, Ron -- I'll get my brush and think up some salacious graffiti.
-- September 28, 1998
* Finally, many of you seemed to think the finger-tapping tip that
appeared in the same column was somehow flawed. In case you missed it,
reader Patrick Purcell suggested something you could do while waiting
for a stable version of Windows NT 5.0 to ship: Stand at the New York
Harbor and watch continental drift cause the coast of France to come
crashing in.
Readers pointed out that continental drift is causing France to
drift away from the United States, not toward it. Therefore France
will never come crashing into New York Harbor.
All I can say is: So? What's flawed about the analogy?
-- October 12, 1998
* Finger-tapping tip
This week's finger-tapping tip comes to you courtesy of Senior
Programmer Daryl Gramling: what you can do while waiting for a stable
version of Windows NT.
1.Memorize the Library of Congress.
2.Track down all of the former Jerry Springer guests and find out
whether or not they are really as perverted as they claim.
3.Translate the Starr Report into Braille.
4.Figure out a way to write a Y2K-compliant replacement for the
U.S. Tax code in C++ without using any parenthesis.
-- October 19, 1998
-- Nicolas Petreley's columns
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Date: Thu, 22 Oct 1998 18:21:38 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Yum!
To: the-usual-suspects
Nothing like a hot meal!
*** Cambodian monkeys saved from grim dinner fate
PHNOM PENH (Reuters) - Authorities in the Cambodian capital saved 70
monkeys from being smuggled to restaurants in Vietnam where diners
tuck in to their brains while the animals are still alive, a
government official said Thursday. "Rich people love to eat the
brains of live monkeys," said the chief of Phnom Penh's forestry
department, Bou Bunleng. "As far as I know they have a wooden table
with a hole in it and clip the head of the monkey and open its skull
with a saw," he said. The monkeys, a type of spider monkey, were
found packed in cages on the back of a truck Monday. The smugglers
escaped. See
http://www.infobeat.com/stories/cgi/story.cgi?id=2556710305-f2c
My question: do they use a spoon or a fork?
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End of Yucks Digest
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