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Yucks Digest V8 #11
Yucks Digest Sun, 11 Oct 98 Volume 8 : Issue 11
Today's Topics:
Scream of the Crop Jokes
A Bar Joke: Current Answers (Puns)
A Cruise, A 'Cordion, and A Curse
Actual graffiti in the Microsoft bathroom
Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers via John Ehrman
El Nino
Guffaws #339
Guffaws #341
movie titles
Pregnancy
Press Release from Hell
QOTD
Quote of the day
Ruminations
Style Invitational - Almost puns, but not quite
The Frog
Time Zones
Top5 - 10/9/98 - Titles for the New "Star Wars" Movie
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
To the meek: Watch Out!
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
** Note that material in the Yucks Digest may contain offensive words,
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 17:34:29 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: [scream_of_the_crop] Scream of the Crop Jokes
To: scream_of_the_crop@egroups.com
>From laugh-your-ass-off:
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring
up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young
man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor
walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said
quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the
plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,"
replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large
plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,
"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Sexist Musings From y.a.feder@tinyradio.com
Woman's Quote of the Day:
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with.
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they
go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 09:22:03 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: A Bar Joke: Current Answers (Puns)
To: kegel@fea.net
This joke was recently sent to the PUNY and Groaners mailing lists with a
request for additional punch lines. Here are the results:
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and
is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and
discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in
his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion
a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes
back to the restaurant.
The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in, ....
Original Answers:
1. 'just don't start anything."
2. 'just don"t do anything shocking'
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
3. 'as long as you pay cash. We don"t accept charges.'
4. 'I guess so. I checked your tab. And you"re current."
From: <SafetyFred@aol.com>
5. "just don't try to jump any of the girls."
6. "just keep positive."
From: <Bilnnor@aol.com>
7. "No cable....We have a satellite dish...."
From: "froggy" <kissafrog@att.net>
8. "I'm not going to server you... obviously you're already wired!"
9. "This is a rough crowd... be careful you don't get jumped!"
10. "You're late... the booster club meeting was yesterday!"
From: P. C. Swanson <pcpuns@essex1.com>
11. The bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says,
" What's that supposed to be?"
Man replies, ... "This is a power tie."
From: moufid jibreen <moufid.jibreen@mci.com>
12. "Fine, just don't be forcibly jumping anybody tonight!"
13. "Fine, just don't be coupling in public, because if you arc, other
customers might find it to be an electrifying experience."
>From Tiffany Wimberly <wimbo@arkansas.net>
14. 'I didn't mean to jump on you earlier.'
>From Dan Dutcher <danandbarb@aol.com>
15. The bounser looks him over and asks,
'Why aare you wearing that cable"
The man answers, 'I don"t want to talk about it.
I"m terminally ill."
From: Van Camp <JSVC@prodigy.net> adds:
16. 'just don't start anything."
If he did, could he be charged with battery?
17. 'just don"t do anything shocking
. or revolting..
18. 'as long as you pay cash. We don"t accept charges.'
At least, not at the current time.
From: <SRpunster@aol.com>
19. 'but are you facing any battery charges?'
>From Robert A Moselle <EVFL53A@prodigy.com>
20. And he said: "Are you positive I can enter?"
21. 'Do you get Cable in here?'
22. 'You're a reVOLTing fellow.'
23. 'Do you have an anti-acid I could take?
I'm really drained.'
From: <Jstbclaus@aol.com>
24. 'I'm surprised that they even let you in the door...
There is a BIG sign just inside the doorway that
reads: "THIS IS A DRUG-FREE ESTABLISHMENT"
and you, sir, are obviously wired!'
From: Gary Hallock <c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>
25. BOUNCER: 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize your condition
was terminal.'
GUY: 'Oh it's isn't. My tests came back negative.'
BOUNCER: 'Are you positive?'
GUY: 'That's what acid.'
BOUNCER 'Then I'll have to charge more.'
GUY: 'Wire you doing that?'
BOUNCER: 'Your father called and said you were
supposed to be grounded.'
From: Brook Warren <ledskof@mindspring.com>
26. GUY: ‘Hi, Bouncer person, don't mind me just
continue on your circuit.'
BOUNCER: 'No, follow my lead.'
GUY: 'No, I don't find that a very attractive offer!
Go ahead call the coppers!'
BOUNCER: "Does my size not phase you?'
GUY: 'Hey, what kind of business are you conducting here?'
BOUNCER: 'I'm not a cunductor, sir; I induct members.
Now show me the proper cache flow.'
GUY: 'How am I suppose to produce that kind of currentcy?'
BOUNCER: 'Are you trying to short me?'
GUY: "How about an "I Ohm You?""
BOUNCER: 'Watt is that a choke?'
From: <GBenmoshe@aol.com>
27. 'hey....WATTever, dude.....'
And finally from Gary Hallock <c.hallock@mail.utexas.edu>
So the CABLE guy with the SHOCKING necktie got really WIRED and started
GOING & GOING & GOING on about what a heart BREAKER his TRANSFORMER
girlfriend was how he could never RESISTOR and how much he liked to JUMPER
bones in the evenings when she would come INSULATE. WIRE NUTS like this
allowed to ROMEX large?
EVEREADY to be done with this tale which failed to ENERGIZER but reFUSED to
die, CynMac decided to pull the PLUG on this REVOLTING creep herself. She
picked up the ALKALINE to CONTACT the COPPERS. She begged them take the
NICAD and put him in A CELL.
The cops told her, "They don't make A-CELLS anymore."
"Isn't DURACELL you can put him in until he sobers up?" she WIND
"The only DRY CELL we have is the drunk tank." Said the cop. "It's a DOUBLE A."
"A/C what you mean. Well that's D-CELL that gets my VOLT then." CynMac
efFUSED. "But A, only if it's not too much TRIPLE!
I hope he gets STRANDED there forever and dies of some horrible D/Cs," she
TOWED herself. I imagine that would BOOSTER spirits.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 98 16:39:08 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Cruise, A 'Cordion, and A Curse
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Forwarded-by: Chuck Yerkes <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Richard Reich <richard@wellengaged.com>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Peet <KBPeet@lbl.gov>
From: today's Chronicle
"The Far Eastern Economic Review cites a story from Travel News Asia of
an elderly couple who spent their savings on a dream cruise through the
Caribbean, then sued their travel agency (successfully). Five hundred of
the 600 passengers were yodelers."
Which reminds me of the bumper sticker, popular among all right-thinking
musicians:
"Play an Accordion, Go to Jail."
[Which reminds me of the ancient Turkish curse: "May all your sons grow up to
be bingo players" and the comment "In the U.S. that's spelled 'banjo'..."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 09:52:34 -0400
From: Mari_Schupp@mail.sel.sony.com (Mari Schupp)
Subject: Actual graffiti in the Microsoft bathroom
This just in from RAINYBOW <wett@communique.net>
Actual graffiti in the Microsoft bathroom
1. Bill Gates Downloads Here
2. Do Not Flush Mouse Pads Down The Toilet
3. To Flush, Press Handle. You Do Not Need To Hold Control, Alt, And
Delete At The Same Time.
4. For a good time, e-mail SUZIE@ohmygod/Im/about/tohave/an.org
5. Why can't Bill Gates get a date? Because he is MICROSOFT
6. MICROSOFT: Where Do You Want To Go Today? .. in the crapper!
7. Microsoft Speelchecker Rules!
8. Your mother is so fat, it takes 25 minutes to download a naked
picture of her.
9. THE BASIC PROGRAM:
10: Enter
20: Lower Pants
30: Try Real Hard
40: If Nothing, Then goto 30
50: If something, Them goto 60
60: Wipe Butt
70: Exit
10. Ray has a 3 1/2 inch floppy! -Carl
Carl still plays with his Wang! -Ray
Yeah, well you both still program in DOS -Fred
Byte Me! -Ray & Carl
11. IBM, you BM, we all BM
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 13:03:07 PDT
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers via John Ehrman
To: spaf
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female
companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK.
POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35+, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish
Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 45
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos
candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar
mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks,
seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my
independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking
for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for
eight days. Who knows? POB 43
80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under
35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share
your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll
understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking
for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 04 Oct 1998 19:25:35 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: El Nino
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
EL HORN~O!
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) -- El Horn~o, a massive basin of wet, warm
horniness just off the Pacific coast, has wreaked havoc on the United
States. 1998 has been, quite simply, the horniest year on record.
This hot-blooded weather phenomenon has destroyed the inhibitions of
every living thing in its path -- from Mary Kay Le Tourneau to President
Clinton -- reducing them to no more than a throbbing needy gland.
President Clinton's attorney Bob Bennett, who just lack week received
the American Meteorological Society Seal of Approval, explained on the
Larry King show how the bizarre phenomenon works. The warm waters of
the El Horn~o meet the cold waters of the Pacific and cause a spike in
horniness on both of the American coasts. The Midwest, long ago
neutered and populated now only with eunuchs and the frigid, is largely
unaffected.
Reported by Jim Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
The Daily Probe, March 27, 1998 <daily@walrus.com>
[Is it a good thing we're in the midwest? Not with frequent visits to
the coasts! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 07 Oct 1998 23:11:50 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #339
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
[ This list copyright 1996, 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
August 21, 1998
The Top 20 Rejected Children's Books
20> Where in the New York Area is Jimmy Hoffa?
19> The Unabomber Pop-Up Manifesto and Coloring Book
18> The Frog Formerly Known as Prince
17> Alice in WonderBraLand
16> The Legend of Three-Card Monte
15> 40 Whacks: Counting With Lizzie
14> The Little Engine That Could, If Only That Damned Gout Would Go Away
13> Girls Are From Venus, Boys Are From Cootieland
12> Where the Wildings Are
11> The Little Big Book of Necrophelia
10> The J. Edgar Hoover Dress-Up Book
9> Joe Camel and The Magic Cancer Stick
8> The Crack House at Pooh Corner
7> The Dummy's Guide to Crying
6> When Mommy Leaves Daddy, And What You Did to Cause It
5> Where's Waldo's Weewee?
4> The Dyslexic's Big Anagram Book
3> Barney's Bleeding and Nobody Can Help
2> Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
and Top5's Number 1 Rejected Children's Book...
1> Furious George Delivers the Mail
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Oct 1998 16:25:37 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #341
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
[Any resemblence to certain bearded professors is purely coincidental.
--spaf]
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of
the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't
seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work
out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do
you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair
of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and
candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge,
swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my
warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you
have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the
clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are
erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all
over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the
cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now
I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies
pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on
the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't
find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you
know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck.
Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm
going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.
Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: <logged off>
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 1998 16:25:42 -0700
From: Fred Clegg <Fred_Clegg@mentorg.com>
Subject: movie titles
To: yucks
Subject: Name that political documentary
Hollywood is right on the spot. A movie has been made about the Clinton
administration. It is rumored to be already completed. All that is left
is to figure out the title of the movie. Here are some candidates for
the title:
* Citizen Stain
* Prince of Ties
* The Bad News Bares
* Dumb and Dumber Two
* Lady and the Tramp
* The Hoarse Whisperer
* Apackolies Now
* Dial M for Monica
* Willy Wonka and the Cigar Factory
* Saving Clinton's Privates
* Easy Liar
* All the President's Women
* The Lying King
* Free Willy
* President Dolittle
* Terms of Impeachment
* All's Well That Ends
* The Wizard of Odds
* Hip, Hip, Beret
* Driving Miss Monica
* A Bra Too Far
* Tie Panic
* Independent Counsel Day
* The Six Commandments
* Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue
* Neither an Officer Nor A Gentleman
* The Full Monica
* President on a Hot Tin Roof
* Red Faced in October
* Honey, I Shrunk the Presidency
* The Me Lie Massacre
* Bedtime for Bubba
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 05 Oct 1998 18:28:33 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Pregnancy
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
[From experience, I can vouch for the danger of saying anything like
this. --spaf]
THE TOP 16 FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE (Part I)
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty
pounds."
15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a
baby!"
14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
12. "Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from
that Richard Simmons fella."
11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's
gotta hurt."
10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard
Scott!"
9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
7. "Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
5. "Got milk?"
4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
2. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
1. "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 16 FATAL THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE (Part II)
16. "Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where
you left it."
15. "Keys are on the fridge, honey. I'll see you at the hospital at
half-time."
14. "Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two -- but he didn't mean
two orcas."
13. "Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"
12. "Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"
11. "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"
10. "Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"
9. "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you
can handle a baby coming out."
8. "Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"
7. "Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"
6. "That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"
5. "You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and
unattractive."
4. "Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child
support."
3. "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"
2. "No, I don't know where the remote is! Have you looked under your
breasts?"
1. "I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and
that's a reason to celebrate, too."
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 98 15:48:32 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Press Release from Hell
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Barbara Millikan <millikan@pnn.com>
CITY OF DIS, NETHER HELL--After nearly four years of construction at an
estimated cost of 750 million souls, Corpadverticus, the new 10th circle of
Hell, finally opened its doors Monday.
The Blockbuster Video-sponsored circle, located in Nether Hell between the
former eighth and ninth levels of Malebolge and Cocytus, is expected to
greatly alleviate the overcrowding problems that have plagued the infernal
underworld in recent years. The circle is the first added to Hell in its
countless-millennia history.
"A nightmarishly large glut of condemned spirits in recent years
necessitated the expansion of Hell," inferno spokesperson Antedeus said.
"The traditional nine-tiered system had grown insufficient to accommodate
the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound."
Adding to the need for expansion, Antedeus said, was the fact that a
majority of the new arrivals possessed souls far more evil than the original
nine circles were equipped to handle. "Demographers, advertising executives,
tobacco lobbyists, monopoly-law experts retained by major corporations, and
creators of office-based sitcoms--these new arrivals represent a wave of
spiritual decay and horror the likes of which Hell has never before seen,"
Antedeus said.
Despite the need for expansion, the plan faced considerable resistance,
largely due to the considerable costs of insuring construction projects
within the Kingdom Of Lies. Opposition also came from Hell purists concerned
about the detrimental effect a tenth level would have on the intricate
numerology of Hell's meticulously arranged allegorical structure. In 1994,
however, funding was finally secured in a deal brokered between Blockbuster
CEO Wayne Huizenga and Satan himself.
Prior to the construction of the tenth circle, many among the new wave of
sinners had been placed in such circles as Hoarders and Squanderers, Sowers
of Discord, Flatterers and Seducers, Violent Against Art, and Hypocrites.
Hell authorities, however, say that the new level, the Circle of Total
Bastards, located at the site of the former Well of Giants just above the
Frozen Lake at Hell's center, better suits their insidious brand of evil.
Frigax The Vile, a leading demonic presence, is one of the most vocal
supporters of the new circle.
"In the past, the underworld was ill-equipped to handle the new breed of
sinners flooding our gates--downsizing CEOs, focus-group coordinators,
telemarketing sales representatives, and vast hordes of pony-tailed
entertainment-industry executives rollerblading and talking on miniaturized
cell-phones at the same time. But now, we've finally got the sort of
top-notch Pits of Doom necessary to give such repellent abominations the
quality boilings they deserve."
Pausing to tear off the limbs of an Access Hollywood host, Frigax added,
"We're all tremendously excited about the many brand-new forms of torture
and eternal pain this new level's state-of-the-art facilities will make
possible."
Among the tortures the Corpadverticus Circle of Total Bastards boasts: the
Never-Ending Drive-Thru Bank, the Bottomless Pit of Promotional Tie-In
Keychains, and the dreaded Chamber of Emotionally Manipulative Home Shopping
Network Products.
The Circle also features a Hall of Aerobics, where condemned
TV-exercise-show personalities, clad in skin-tight Spandex outfits soaked
in flesh-dissolving acid, are forced to exercise for centuries on end,
covered in vomit and prodded with the distended ribs of skeletal, anorexic
demons, accompanied by an unending, ear-splittingly loud dance-remix version
of the 1988 Rick Astley hit "Together Forever."
In a nearby area, corporate raiders are forced to carry the golf clubs of
uneducated Hispanic migrant workers from hole to hole for eternity,
withering under a constant barrage of verbal abuse from their former
subservients as crows descend from trees to peck at their eyes. In one of
the deepest and most profane portions of the circle, unspeakable acts are
said to be committed with a mail-order Roly-Kit.
"In life, I was a Salomon Brothers investment banker," one flame-blackened
shade told reporters. "When I arrived here, they didn't know what to do with
me. They put me in with those condemned to walk backwards with their heads
turned all the way around on their necks, for the crime of attempting to
see the future. But then I sent a couple of fruit baskets to the right
people, and in no time flat, I secured a cushy spot for myself in the first
circle of the Virtuous Unbaptized. Now that was a sweet deal. But before
long, they caught on to my game and transferred me here to the realm of
Total Bastards. I've been shrieking for goddamn mercy ever since."
His face contorted in the Misery of the Damned, a Disney lawyer said: "It's
hell here--there are no executive lounges, I can't get any decent risotto,
and the suit I have to wear is a cheap Brooks Brothers knock-off. I'm
beeped every 30 seconds, and there's no way to return the calls. Plus, I'm
being boiled upside down in lard while jackals gnaw at the soles of my feet.
If I could just reach the fax machine on that nearby rock, I could contact
some well-placed associates and work something out, but it's just out of my
grasp, and it's out of ink and constantly blinking the message, 'Replace
Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge, Replace Toner Cartridge.'"
He then resumed screaming in agony.
Grogar The Malefic, a Captain in Hell's elite Demon Corps and supervisor in
charge of admissions for the new circle, said Hell's future looks bright,
thanks to the new circle.
"Things are definitely looking up," Grogar said. "We're now far better
equipped, and we're ready to take on the most Unholy Atrocities humanity
has to offer."
"We're really on the grow down here," Grogar added. "This is an exciting
time to be in Hell."
[Hmm, I hope there isn't also a place for eccentric CS professors...
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 6 Oct 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <nev@bostic.com>
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
Office visits are anything but routine since her Ob-Gyn took up ventriloquism.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Forwarded-by: Kirk McKusick <mckusick@McKusick.COM>
Forwarded-by: Mark Compton <marcom@opendoor.com>
Life is theatre. Film is art. Television is furniture.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 8 Oct 1998 03:50:03 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
"You know that look: beneath the logo, a search window. Beneath that,
the sum of all human knowledge categorized in the Revised Dewey Decimal
System: The Arts, The Natural Sciences, Used Cars, The Physical
Sciences, Relationship Advice, Windows Screen Savers, The Humanities,
Politics and Law, The X-Files."
- Michael Swain on the "Yahoo Look", in the Aug 14, 1998 'Web Review'
<http://webreview.com/wr/pub/98/08/14/frames/index.html>
Submitted by: "Humphries, William"
Aug. 14, 1998
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 08 Oct 1998 22:05:14 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300
million people why your splendor "by-product" is causing a tax hike to
cover the new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then it's just
a pain in the ass. --Alisa Meadows
They say that wild animals only attack when they're cornered. I suppose
that's why my goldfish was so calm when I flushed him. --Will Gillespie
El Nino taught me that some of the most beautiful things in nature are
also the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant thunderstorms, and
topless blondes driving on rain-soaked highways. --Mark Schmidt
I always wondered why we don't celebrate Thanksgiving with a pinata. I
think it would be fun to cook up a big turkey, fill it with mashed
potatoes, stuffing, and gravy and then tie it to the ceiling and bash it
with a stick until all the goodies fall out for the kiddies to grab.
--Jennifer Bieneman
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of
emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved
when your house lands on a witch. --Dave James
Let face facts, shall we? There is a very real possibility that this
could also be the *last* day of the rest of your life. --Dave Henry
Sometimes I think astronauts are the luckiest people on earth, but only
when they're in space. --Alan Smithee
I think it says a lot about our nation's skewed priorities that we give
the President the unbridled authority to preempt any television program,
even during prime-time. --Matt Diamond
If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is
surprised? --Jim Lockwood
I'm glad the electric chair is the only method of capital punishment
that involves powered furniture. Just imagine being executed by an
adjustable bed. --Paul Paternoster
If the President were a woman, this scandal never would have happened,
because women always keep a box of kleenex on their desks. --Patrice
North-Rudin
Whenever someone asks me what two plus two equals, I just shake my head
and laugh at them for asking such a dumb question, even though I really
don't know the answer. What gullible fools. --Will Gillespie
I think gods don't smite people anymore because people of many different
religions now live in the same town. No god wants to accidentally smite
the wrong person and get sued by another god. --David James
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself
as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The
Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know
it works, 'cause the light always turns green. --Troy Peterson
If I had a dollar for every casino in the world, I'd probably lose it
all gambling. --Paul Bartunek
My goal is to become the Human Hood Ornament, traveling from town to
town, striking poses on the hoods of cars as people throw money and
little children shriek, "Oooh, there he is! The Human Hood Ornament!"
--Bill Muse
I've heard people say the electric chair is "cruel and unusual", but I
think it's a lot quicker and more humane than its predecessor, the steam
chair. --Claire Voltaire, inspired by Paul Paternoster
The grass is always greener on the other side, except maybe in the
Sahara, cause I bet there it pretty much sucks everywhere. --Meghan
Skinner
I've found crashing jets into skyscrapers is a good way to catch
supervillains. But since this is real life and not a comic book, maybe
it's not such a hot idea after all. --David James
One day, I'm gonna finally get up enough courage to actually go
skydiving, rather than just being thrown out of the plane like last
time. --LeMel Hebert-Williams
High heels will make your legs look more elegant. Now, how can you
shave them without my wife finding out? --Dave Henry
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because
in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach. --Bill Muse
They say potato chips can be fattening. But then again, so is eating
fat, and you don't see me eating fat. So get off my back about the
potato chips, man. --Brian Auten
Ruminations <top5@gmbweb.com>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 98 12:46:01 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Style Invitational - Almost puns, but not quite:
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[If you enjoy this, then you might also want to take a look at:
<http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/1994/1994AJN.html> and
<http://www.langston.com/Fun_People/1997/1997AIN.html> for some
foreign-language predecessors. -psl]
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: Sid Sidner <Sid@CoyoteSoftware.com>
[Forwards off looking at the dictionary...]
The Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asked readers to take any word
from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one
letter, and supply a new definition.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining
sex.
Fortissimoe: the musical moment produced when someone serially slaps the
faces of the first-violin section.
Tatyr: a lecherous Mr. Potato Head.
Doltergeist: a spirit that decides to haunt someplace stupid, such as your
septic tank.
Giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high, such as the famous
"Surrender Dorothy" on the Beltway overpass.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient
who doesn't get it.
Conratemps: the resentment permanent workers feel toward the fill-in
workers.
Whitetater: a political hot potato.
Impotience: eager anticipation by men awaiting their Viagra prescription.
Auto-da-feh: the extermination of heretics via drowning in a vat of pus.
Stupfather: Woody Allen.
Reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.
DIOS: the one true operating system.
Inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: terminal coolness.
Writer's tramp: a woman who practices poetic licentiousness.
Taterfamilias: the head of the Potato Head family.
Guillozine: a magazine for executioners.
Osteopornosis: a degenerate disease.
Adulatery: cheating on your wife with a much younger woman who holds you
in awe.
Suckotash: a dish consisting of corn, lima beans and tofu.
Emasculathe: a tool for castration.
Burglesque: a poorly planned break-in. (See: Watergate)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad
vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like a
serious bummer.
Genitaliar: an image-enhancing object that can be carried in a man's front
pocket.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Antifun gal: a prude.
Vaseball: a game of catch played by children in the living room.
Eunouch: the pain of castration.
Hindkerchief: really expensive toilet paper; toilet paper at Buckingham
palace.
Deifenestration: to throw all talk of God out the window.
Hozone: the area around 14th street.
Acme: a generic skin disease.
Hindprint: indentation made by a couch potato.
Intaxication: euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until
you realize it was your money to start with.
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come
at you rapidly.
Coiterie: a very VERY close-knit group.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1998 10:00:28 -0400
From: "Nieters, Edward J (CRD)" <nieters@crd.ge.com>
Subject: The Frog
To: "'yucks@cs.purdue.edu'" <yucks@cs.purdue.edu>
> The Frog
>
> Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
> happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess,
> "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
> One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
> marry, move into the castle with my mom, and you can prepare my meals,
> clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
>
> That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to
> herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."
>
>
>
>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 04 Oct 1998 19:16:55 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Time Zones
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
'GREENWICH MEAN TIME' ARRESTED -- HIS 'MEAN' REIGN OF TERROR ENDS
LONDON -- This Wednesday, GMT's fascist reign of terror was finally put
to rest as officials placed it under arrest for malicious conduct.
Greenwich 'Mean' Time, the bad-boy of time zones and the standard for
world timekeeping, has finally been dethroned. Executives of the London
Time Council have replaced GMT with DKAT, Dublin Kindly Agreeable Time,
long the quiet and polite secretary to Greenwich Mean Time.
The new changes will affect world time standards in the following ways
(some slipped in as last minute conveniences by Time Legislators):
Time Magazine will no longer be able to use the "Time" trademark. The
Council has recommended that they use the public domain "Division Of
Geologic Chronology Magazine," "Duration Magazine," or "Spaceless
Continuum Of Ordered Events Magazine."
The flow of time has been normalized; time will no longer fly when
you're having fun, nor will the last fifteen minutes of class appear to
take hours.
Milk will now immediately spoil when crossing the Prime Meridian on the
day before its expiration date. This was previously abused by several
black market milk dealers, who used this anomaly to keep milk fresh far
past its expiration.
Due to the massive unpopularity of the setting-clocks-forward phase of
Daylight Savings Time, the new standard mandates that the world set its
clocks backward in both October and April, affording an extra hour of
sleep twice a year.
Father Time commented, "These changes are definitely for the best.
Frankly, I was sick of Greenwich's 'mean' time, and it's about.. er..
time that we instituted a more amicable version."
Time Magazine could not be reached for comment.
Snoot News <http://snoot.com/>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Oct 1998 10:48:47
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 10/9/98 - Titles for the New "Star Wars" Movie
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
October 9, 1998
It was announced this week that the title for the
new "Star Wars" movie, due out in May of 1999,
is "Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace."
The Top 13 Better Titles for the New "Star Wars" Movie
13> Star Wars I: "Star Trek, the Next Generation" kisses our
Jedi ass.
12> Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt
11> Springtime for Vader
10> Episode I: Mr. Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat
9> Obi Wan, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan, Obi Wan.
8> Your turn, Steven.
7> The Toys-R-Us Christmas '99 Catalog
6> Boba Fett's Not In It So Don't Even Ask, Fanboy
5> Titanic *THIS*, Jim Cameron!
4> Star Wars I (Harrison Ford Not Included)
3> Star Wars: Yoda Man! No, Yoda Man!
2> There's Something About Money
and Top5's Number 1 Better Title for the New "Star Wars" Movie...
1> Come To Papa, You Geeks
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 4 Oct 1998 09:24:03 -0400
From: Mari_Schupp@mail.sel.sony.com (Mari Schupp)
Subject: TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because
men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV
remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see
WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat
wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for
himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage
night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put
his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to
blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
His head and said, "I can do better than that.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 98 14:03:53 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: To the meek: Watch Out!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: elshaw@MIT.EDU (Libby Shaw)
Forwarded-by: stephenk@ciis.edu (Stephen Kagan)
Forwarded-by: crazed.reb@juno.com
CHURCH UPSCALES: MEEK ARE OUT
VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek
stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently
rescinding the traditional "blessed" status of the world's meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, 'Blessed are the meek,'" said
Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals.
"However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church
and the meek that this 'blessed' status was conditional upon their
inheritance of the earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime
in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the Pope added.
Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by the world's
impoverished and downtrodden, the Pope contended that the meek's historic
inability to improve their worldly status constituted "bad faith" on their
part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to
inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For years, the Catholic
Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is
enough. We are patient, but we are not saints."
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the Pope.
"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now," said
Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. "From the Renaissance to the
Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek
have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others
worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected
the Catholic Church's spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet
demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church
philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montreal said. "Sitting
back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for
which the Church should be rewarding its followers."
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial
considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80
percent of the world's Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic
Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion
from such people.
"The meek's blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus
Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings
to allow us discretion in this manner," the Pope said, "especially in light
of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From
this day forward, the Church position shall be, 'Blessed are the affluent,
for they have indeed inherited the Earth.'"
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and
attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of
changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born
in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount
of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and
the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man
to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car
garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple
shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over
appropriately aggressive fund-raising tactics.
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic
Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and God's
everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has
been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle"
members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon
death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary,' Vittorio
said. "If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may
certainly do so. But it won't be the free ride they got before, I can
promise you that."
"The Lord will provide, of course," the Pope said. "But He also helps those
who help themselves, if you know what I mean."
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------