Yucks Digest V8 #10
Yucks Digest Fri, 2 Oct 98 Volume 8 : Issue 10
"Love, Lust and Marriage"
[Fwd: FW: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *]
a riddle to start us off
Bits O' Bull No. 488!
Comedy On Tap for Mon 9-28
FW: Twas The Night Before Crisis
Fwd: Clinton Speech of the 17th on truth serum
Fwd: Re: Fwd: Yucks Digest V8 #8
JOKE: Fwd: Comparison
Men bashing can be fun -- via John Ehrman
QOTD (2 msgs)
Quips, Quotes & Questions
real bumper stickers...
SCREAM OF THE CROP
Subject: I'm so glad you're not calling me about a bug.
Wednesday, September 2, 1998 Issue
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
** Note that material in the Yucks Digest may contain offensive words,
may be considered politically incorrect, present partisan political
views, and/or question established authority. If you are afraid of any
of these side-effects, then unsubscribe. This list is not for the
humor-impaired or for those who believe speech should be free, but only
Items are printed as submitted. Every attempt is made to keep the
credit for orginal source and stated copyright holder. I assume that
appropriate reprint permission has been obtained by the submitter. If
there is a problem with author credit or copyright, please contact me
immediately. No other copyright is claimed or asserted on submissions.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"email@example.com" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions should be sent to <firstname.lastname@example.org>.
Problems should be addressed to <email@example.com>.
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:12:23 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: "Love, Lust and Marriage"
To: mari schupp <email@example.com>
"Love, Lust and Marriage"
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets
Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .
Love: Finding the "Fell in Love on AoL" room
Lust: Finding the "Blonde Dominatrix" room
Marriage: Finding the "Married and Looking" room
Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat
[I now understand. Without realizing it, I'm married.... --spaf]
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 15:38:12 -0500
From: Georgia Conarroe <firstname.lastname@example.org> (by way of Marlene Walls)
Subject: [Fwd: FW: ~AIKEN DRUM'S~ * a laugh a day *]
To: email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org, email@example.com, firstname.lastname@example.org
From: Carolyn Hudson <email@example.com>
TOP TEN REASONS GOD CREATED EVE
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the
TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want
to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he
put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that.
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1998 21:08:12 -0700
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu> (by way of Michael Bastedo <firstname.lastname@example.org>)
Subject: a riddle to start us off
To: "@Jokes, Inc.":;
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
The Artist Formerly Known as Prince won't admit that he has one.
Clinton uses his all the time.
What is it?
A last name ... were you thinking of something else?
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 98 19:35:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <email@example.com>
Subject: Bar Jokes
[A small anthology of jokes about guys going into bars; not all of them
Forwarded-by: Sam & Charlotte Rice <firstname.lastname@example.org>
(1) A guy goes into a bar/restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the
collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain
admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a
necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper
cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages
to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for
a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't
(2) A duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey,
buddy, your pants are down..."
(3) A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She tells
him to get lost. Not willing to give up, he pleads with her: "C'mon lady,
I'm a fun guy!"
(4) A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?"
(5) Two strings are outside a bar... The first string walks in and the
bartender immediately throws him out, yelling "I don't serve strings in this
bar!" The other string ruffs himself up, walks in, and curls up. The
bartender says, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy? Aren't you
a string, too?" The string says, "No, I'm afraid not..."
(6) A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a
drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink
(7) A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
(8) A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender gives
it to him and says "that'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas
round these parts" The gorilla nods "I'm not surprised at these prices.."
(9) A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog at his
feet. "Does your dog bite?" she asks. "No." is the reply. A few minutes
later the dog bites her leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
the woman says indignantly. "He doesn't; that's not my dog."
(10) A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender
promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For
you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
(11) Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a
beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
(12) A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man
what shot my paw..."
(13) A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but
we don't serve food here..."
(14) A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
(15) A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he says...
(16) A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I
can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because
you can't hold your liquor..."
(17) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted...
(18) Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. "I'll have
a glass of blood," says one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", says the other.
"Okay," replies the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
(19) Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an
electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm
(20) Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender (a tub of cottage
cheese) says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt
cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 98 11:58:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <email@example.com>
Subject: Bits O' Bull No. 488!
Excerpted-from: BONG Bull No. 488!
LIGHTS ON BUT NOBODY HOME. A newspaper editor announces that there's enough
money in the budget to install a newsroom chandelier. The reporters huddle
and send a spokesman to say they're against it.
"Against it? Why?" the editor asks.
"First," the reporter says, "no one on the staff can spell 'chandelier'
well enough to put it on an order form. Second, I don't believe that anybody
here can play one if we had it. And third, if you got that much money, we
think you should get a hanging light instead, to brighten up the office!"
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 23:32:12 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
So this guy is in the supermarket, keeping a mental record of how much
he'll spend when he gets to the cash register. "That's two dollars and
a cat... Five dollars, fifty cents, and a cat... Nine dollars and a
cat... Thirteen dollars, sixty five cents, and a cat..."
A fellow shopper asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'and a cat?'"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the fellow said. "I've got an add-a-puss complex."
Jefferson Swycaffer <firstname.lastname@example.org>
ALPHA Mailing List <email@example.com>
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss
on your computer." --Bruce Graham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
--Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
Jim Miller <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1998 21:30:45 -0700
From: Rodney Lee <email@example.com>
Subject: Comedy On Tap for Mon 9-28
JOKE OF THE DAY
A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room,
telling him they just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" says the clerk. Looking at the cowboy,
he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?" "Naw, thanks."
says the cowboy
"I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 14:43:50 -0400
From: "Roberts, Robin" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: FW: Twas The Night Before Crisis
Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.
The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.
When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.
Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!
And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.
With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.
On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.
The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.
And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.
And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders.
You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!
More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"
"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"
"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."
And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.
We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!
A funny fact surfaced, After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.
The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!
Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."
Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 20:28:45 EDT
Subject: Fwd: Clinton Speech of the 17th on truth serum
From: email@example.com (Time-Slice)
Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
by Keith Chiles <KChiles@Time-Slice.com>
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I
was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and
the grand jury.
I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling
physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions
about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now
spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing
that no American citizen would ever want to answer.
Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility
for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am
speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine
Band plays loudly and drowns out the media.
As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar,
deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to
volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula.
Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not
appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It
constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which
I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to
But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no
time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to
take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your
President and I know better than to do these things. I have less
important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would
like to see something go away.
I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave
a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know
this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would
be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective.
I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that,
because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any
I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of
other wrongdoing that may hurt me.
I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I
was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family.
The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to
women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to
be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth
to be known until after the statute of limitations expires.
In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal
agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none
of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago.
The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of
wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into
my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the
investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large
staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help
me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the
things that we leaked.
This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent
people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked
so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic
media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation
before they get enough evidence to impeach me.
Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most-my wife
and our daughter-and our God. I must put it right, and I am
prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of
terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years.
Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's
business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were
enough stupid people to believe this nonsense.
Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office.
It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the
prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life.
My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted
by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my
part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That
is all I can get away with.
Now it is time-in fact, it is past time-to move on. We have
important work to do-new women to seduce, new interns to chase,
and real terrorist camps to bomb.
And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have
created for the past seven months by lying to the American People,
to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our
attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next
American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel
before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no
longer lie my way out of this mess.
Thank you for watching and good night.
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 09:00:05 -0400
From: Rex Black <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Yucks Digest V8 #8
From: Gordon page <email@example.com>
Q. What's happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A. He gets taller.
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 09:30:52 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Guffaws #333
To: Guffaws <email@example.com>
September 4, 1998
The Top 13 Reasons You're Having Trouble Finding a Job
13> You list "smokin' weed" as a hobby on the job application.
12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to "pull your finger."
11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock
10> You're not willing to risk being downsized since you're not
so sure it really doesn't refer to your penis.
9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and
15 years of HTML.
8> After your interview tantrums, so-called "Equal Opportunity
Employers" don't seem to be buying your "Tourette's Syndrome"
7> "Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug" doesn't look
as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.
6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there's no job
market for "masters of the pan flute."
5> Small-minded employers find "alien abductions" unacceptable
explanation for gaps in work history.
4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing your
jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new
3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit
"just in case of enemy attack."
2> Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker
transition is one of the tougher ones.
and Top5's Number 1 Reason You're Having Trouble Finding a Job...
1> Still busy looking for the real killers.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List firstname.lastname@example.org http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Date: Thu, 01 Oct 1998 18:49:57 -0400
From: Rex Black <email@example.com>
Subject: JOKE: Fwd: Comparison
From: "Barton Layne" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Recently Gennifer Flowers was asked to compare her past relationship with
Clinton to Monica's relationship with him. "Close," said Gennifer, "but
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 08:34:07 -0700
From: "Donna" <email@example.com>
Subject: Legally Accurate
To: "Gene Spafford" <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.
Son: What's up, Dad?
Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?
Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the
car," that I can say, truthfully, that I scratched the car.
Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last
night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the
Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching
the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I
did not scratch it.
Dad: But your sister told me she saw you back the car against the
mailbox at the end of the driveway, heard a loud scraping sound, saw
you get out to examine the car, and then drive away. So again I'll
ask you, yes or no, did you scratch the car?
Son: Oh, you mean you think you have evidence to prove that I
scratched it. Well, you see, I understood you to mean did "I" scratch
the car. I stand by my earlier statement, that I did not scratch the
Dad: Are you trying to tell me you didn't drive the car into the
Son: Well, you see sir, I was trying to drive the car into the
street. I mishandled the steering of the car, and it resulted in
direct contact with the mailbox, though that was clearly not my intent.
Dad: So you are saying that you did hit the mailbox?
Son: No sir, that's not my statement. I'll refer you back to my
original statement that I did not scratch the car.
Dad: But the car did hit the mailbox, and the car did get scratched
as a result of the contact?
Son: Well, yes, I suppose you could catagorize it that way.
Dad: So you lied to me when you said you did not scratch the car?
Son: No. No, that is not correct. Your question was "Did I scratch
the car?" From a strict legal definition, as I understood the meaning
of that sentence, I did not scratch the car... the mailbox did... I
was merely present when the scratching occurred. So my answer of "No"
when you asked "Did I scratch the car" was legally correct, although I
did not volunteer information.
Dad: Where did you learn to talk like a complete idiot?
Son: From the President of the United States.
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 21:34:31 PDT
From: email@example.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Men bashing can be fun -- via John Ehrman
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to
do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of becoming a human.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good
They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where here husband is every night?
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What did God say after creating man?
"I must be able to do better that that."
What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect"
How are men and parking spots alike?
Goods ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: " So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're gonna want to
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%... Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and
rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has
My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said,
"God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants,
provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment
and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 03:24:50 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
OBITUARY -- RENOWN SCIENTIST, 58, DIES
ATHOL, WY (DPI) -- A freak accident at an experimental geothermal power
plant claimed the life of noted electro-nutritionist Dr. Otto Mymynd.
Mymynd earned the scorn of his colleges in his early years when he
called them myopic sycophants. He later gained their flattery with such
inventions as the infrared flashlight, the burpless cucumber, methane
deficient cabbage and the environmentally safe tofu laser. The accident
was witnessed by his voluptuous 23-year-old full-time research aide and
part-time paramour, Lily Pond. While working on a method to re-hydrate
four week old bakery products, he apparently became distracted when Miss
Pond uncrossed her legs. At that moment he tripped over his own feet
and plunged headlong into the boiling geyser, where he was instantly
vaporized. Said Miss Pond, "Golly, when he finds out what's happened,
he's going to be pretty steamed. I think I speak for the entire
scientific community when I say he will be mist."
Reported by Dave Henry
The Daily Probe, May 8, 1998 <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Los Angeles Times, 5/11/98
Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating
large animals for meat production. Dr. Beraid's death occurred during
the development of a hog weighing over two tons.
Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the
mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like
Jabba the Hut. One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast
was his terrible bad breath. After feeding, It was necessary for
several of the apes to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before
anyone could go into the lab.
On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the breath
freshener tablets onto the floor. The doctor became enraged and began
beating the poor ape. His brothers rioted and pandemonium ensued. It
was four days before the police could enter the area with hermetically
sealed Caterpillar bulldozers.
Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall and
ceiling residue. The apes were genetically reprogrammed and farmed out
to area hotels for bell-hop duties. Hormel and Tyson have submitted
bids for the hog. Dr. Beraid's remains were fresh frozen and purchased
by New York attorney Barry Sheck for an undisclosed sum.
The police report summarizing the event states, ... "Seventy-six strong
clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at
Stan Kegel <email@example.com>
MY BERLIN CALL
By Tony Kornheiser, The Washington Post, Sunday, November 16, 1997
The world needs a new Isaiah Berlin. Let it be me.
Berlin, the noted Oxford scholar, died recently. He was very famous.
Well, okay, I never heard of him -- I thought maybe Irving Berlin died
again -- but he must have been a huge deal because the New York Times
front-paged his obit and filled up a whole inside page with praise:
"Sir Isaiah defied classification ... a bon vivant, a sought-after
conversationalist. Sir Isaiah seemed to know almost everyone worth
knowing in the 20th century. Freud, Nehru, Stravinsky, Boris Pasternak,
T.S. Eliot, W.H. Auden, Chaim Weizmann, Virginia Woolf, Aldous Huxley,
Bertrand Russell and Felix Frankfurter."
(Yeah, but was he ever on "Larry King Live," like Kato Kaelin?)
I want an obit like that. Of course I don't know that I can measure up
to Sir Isaiah. He knew Nehru and Frankfurter. I've worn one, eaten the
He defied classification. In the '60s I simply tried to avoid
What a life Sir Isaiah led. Eating. Drinking. Partying. Schmoozing.
He was like Sammy Davis Jr., but with two good eyes.
I need to change my life. The way it's going now, my obit will run just
below the one that said: "J.W. Tinklepaugh, 51, died recently while
attempting to give himself a colonoscopy. Mr. Tinklepaugh was employed
in the fast-growing amusement field as a coin-changer. He spent much of
his spare time at a Laundromat. He once bowled a 194. Funeral
arrangements are pending, as no one has claimed his body yet."
Sadly, I have no bona fides as a bon vivant. Last week People came out
with its list of the world's sexiest men, and I wasn't on it. Again.
In fact, there wasn't one fat white bald guy on it. Not even Marlin
George Clooney was named "The Sexiest Man Alive." (Although I think
there was a write-in for Sir Isaiah from the Queen Mum.) What does
Clooney have that I don't? I mean other than his fabulous Batman suit,
a starring role on "ER," chiseled good looks and a coterie of drooling
(But how about his mind? Does he know the capital of Missouri? Did he
ever play Yahtzee with Sir Isaiah Berlin?)
People also named its runner-up 10, divided into categories. Sexiest
Explorer: someone named Jerry Linenger, whose apparent qualification is
that he spent 133 days aboard Mir, and none of the toilets exploded
while he was up there. Sexiest Businessman: The guy from Virgin
Atlantic, Richard Branson, photographed in a terry-cloth robe that he
apparently picked up at Hugh Hefner's pad. Sexiest Royal (a short
list): Prince Felipe of Spain, who's pictured wearing a puka shell
necklace. (Phil, sweetheart, it's the '90s. Don't they have calendars
in Spain?) Sexiest Anchor: Matt Lauer, who ought to thank God for his
spinal cord, or else his head would float away like a balloon. Sexiest
Author: Serial Shirt Remover and Tree Cutter Sebastian Junger. Etc.
So I'm not sexy. And though I talk a lot, nobody has ever called me a
"sought-after conversationalist." Often at home when I begin talking,
the room clears out. I am human Glade.
I do have my own radio show. Hundreds tune in. My audience is full of
deep thinkers and beguiling conversationalists. Here's an example.
Me: You're on the air.
Caller: Yeah, I wanna fire the football coach. He's a moron. I hate
his offense. I hate his defense. He's a moron. A monkey could come in
here and do a better job. My dog knows more about football than this
Me: I gather you think he's deficient in some areas.
Caller: He's a freaking moron.
Me: And what qualifies you as a football expert?
Caller: I drive a beer truck.
I used to imagine ways of making my resume more urbane. All the news
about the British au pair last week reminded me that I used to think
that having an au pair was an extremely sophisticated thing. My main
reason for having children was so I could hire an au pair. I loved
saying "au pair." It sounded so continental. I believe it means
"jailbait" in French.
I would set very high standards for my au pair. Education, ambition and
love of children would be important, of course. But foremost, my au
pair would have to be Scandinavian. She'd also have to answer a
detailed questionnaire, including "What I want to do most in America
Correct answer: " ... fold underwear in the basement with the man of the
So where am I? What's my obit going to look like?
"Anthony Irwin Kornheiser died a broken man trying to be the next Isaiah
Berlin. He never went to Oxford. He was never sexy. He never had an
au pair. And the only person who ever called him 'Sir' was a kid
working at McDonald's."
Copyright 1997 The Washington Post Company
[Sadly, this sounds somewhat familiar. --spaf]
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 13:17:01 -0400
From: Paul Thublin <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Subject: Pants-offio Pistachio
To: Paul and Terry Thublin <PnT-Thublin@worldnet.att.net>
Another good one, origin unknown...
Ben & Jerry's new presidential flavors:
Double Nut Joy
Subpoenas 'n' Cream
Chocolate Chip Doughboy
Chubby Cheatin' Hubby
Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl Vanilla
Biscuits 'n' Gravy
Horny Bubba Crunch
Subpoena Butter Cup
Oval Office Surprise
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 09:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
To: email@example.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Elliot Lee <firstname.lastname@example.org>
In film you will find four basic story lines. Man versus man,
man versus nature, nature versus nature, and dog versus vampire.
-- Steven Spielberg
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: Nev Dull <email@example.com>
To: firstname.lastname@example.org (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <email@example.com>
It's our position that the ratio of live tissue to implants in Pamela
Anderson Lee reclassifies her as a "gadget."
Forwarded-by: firstname.lastname@example.org (Guy Harris)
The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is probably the day
they start making vacuum cleaners.
-- Ernst Jan Plugge
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 23:27:01 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Quips, Quotes & Questions
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
QUIPS, QUOTES & QUESTIONS
I have a psychic girlfriend. We don't go out. We just sit around at
home and she tells me how the evening went.
The same country that makes Hyundai and Kia now wants to build a nuclear
reactor. Don't you think they should master the internal combustion
Does anyone else hate it that spellcheck won't clear "y'all"?
Isn't it annoying that national TV news programs keep interrupting
coverage of President Clinton's sex life with boring stories about
foreign and domestic policy issues?
You can tell whether a person is a Democrat or Republican by how they
say Starr's name. Democrats call him Kenneth Starr while Republicans
call him Judge Starr.
I don't understand why Judge Starr doesn't investigate Bill's sexual
abuse of Chelsea. After all, Clinton is a native Arkansan.
Politics: Even the word sounds like a disease.
Spring is finally here again. Now we can get back out on the lakes.
But don't swim in or drink the water, and by all means do not eat
anything that comes out of one.
White House employees should get hazard pay.
My vote IS for sale! All you have to do is lower my taxes.
Read in a book: The door creaked silently.
In the 50s, TV was called "The Vast Wasteland." Not so any more. Now
it is just a waste.
I am putting my house up for sale and I will give a discount to any
family with wild, unruly children as long as they promise to torment the
grumpy neighbors across the street.
I would just like to thank Bill Clinton for extending the Jerry Springer
show into the 6 o'clock news.
George Washington is known as the Father of Our Country. Bill Clinton
will be known as the Fondler of Our Country.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
I much prefer Clinton's "I can't remember sexual affairs," to Reagan's,
"I cannot remember selling arms to foreign countries."
If you are born again, do have two belly buttons?
I want to quit smoking, but the drugstore refuses to sell me the patch
because I'm not 21 yet.
I knew my career was coming to an end when my company sent me to Dr.
Kevorkian for my annual physical.
Hey! We foreigners are just as preoccupied about sex as you Americans.
We just keep it out of our prime time news coverage.
Wow! What would your typical fairminded Republican say if Judge Starr
reports that the Clintons conducted their Whitewater business in a
legally appropriate way, that the Clintons didn't have Vince Foster
murdered, that the FBI files where not misused, that the travel office
was badly mismanaged before it was reoganized by the Clinton White
House, Clinton only counseled and encouraged a troubled Monica Lewinsky,
that Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, Linda Tripp and Kathleen Willey are
conniving women who are exploiting the Bill Clinton for financial gain,
and that the Clinton appropriately defended themselves against false and
politically motivated charges? What a silly, stupid, dumb, outrageous,
ludicrous, mindless series of questions.
I can't wait for Bill to get back home where the Washington press know
how to give the president the royal treatment.
It is okay to be a little foolish today.
Heckuva job, fellow right-wing conspirators, sneaking that Kathleen
Willey into the Democratic Party.
I think all law enforcement agencies should be split up into 2
departments: Them that protect and serve, and them that collect
My wife and I have the perfect marriage. I control her and she
I think the White House should stop trying to spin this scandal and just
move on to the rinse cycle.
I liked kids too until they became teenagers.
If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?
My daugher-in-law is so mean that we have to call in an exorcist after
After months of being forcibly subjected to countless movies, books and
documentaries abou the Titanic, I'm beginning to understand why so many
men chose to stay aboard.
My post office has a permanent sign on the stamp machines that says:
"Temporarily out of service."
You are what you throw out of your car.
Hillary is the one who deserved the Oscar for best performance.
The three major food groups are canned, frozen and takeout.
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
Thank goodness Congress is on spring break. Now our elected officials
can get down to the really important business of campaigning.
After a recent stroke, I gave up french fries, but if they raise the
cigarette tax by $1.50, I won't be able to afford my medication.
If Clinton keeps getting more girlfriends, he can have his own
illustrated calendar: "The Women of the Clinton Era."
Do wet hens really get mad?
I'm worried about my daughter's boyfriend. I told him she had to be
home by 10:15 and he said, "October 15? Cool!"
Researchers are very concerned about why women outlive men. If it was
the other way around, would they even care?
Why is it that every time gasoline prices go down, the liberals start
calling for higher taxes on gas?
If Republicans hate government so much, why is it that they insist on
being first in line to get the best benefits?
If you think the IRS is hostile and insensitive, try dealing with a
credit collection agency with incorrect information. Those people make
the IRS look like a soft touch.
As one ages, it is important to remember which pocket has the pills and
which pocket has the change. Yesterday, I felt a heart pain, and took
My mom said I could invite 20 people to my 13th birthday party; I've
already invited 50. I don't think I'll live to be 14.
My wife treats me like a god. She feeds me burnt offerings every day.
When I hit the lottery, I'm going to get my transmission fixed.
Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why can't
we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got
three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is
Bubba gonna need?"
What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been married for
years, and I keep having the same sex.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more
Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry
What should a neighorhood do if all its Neighborhood Watch signs are
I told my daughter she had to obey her mother. She asked why and I
replied, "Because we all have to."
I'm in perfect health and I eat from the four basic food groups: salt,
sugar, alcohol and grease.
The Psychic Friends Network is in Chapter 11 bankruptcy? Man, who saw
President Clinton's refusal to talk about the Monica Lewinsky affair
brings to mind an old adage: "It is better to remain silent and thought
a fool than to speak up and remove all doubt."
Naming the Washington National Airport for Ronald Reagan is like
renaming Atlanta Shermantown.
The reporters sure have been negligent. Some of the Monica Lewinsky's
grade school teachers have yet to be intereviewed. And don't forget the
One recent study reported that men with the most education get the least
amount of sex. Another study reported that highly educated women have
the most headaches. Is there some correlation here?
I was disillusioned the other day to learn that NBA officials don't call
fouls on superstars. Next thing you know they'll tell me that wrestling
If the PGA thinks walking the course is a vital part of the game, why
don't they outlaw caddies and make the golfers carry their own bags?
The Winter Olympics in a word: boring!
It is unbelievable that with all of the millions of dollars spent on
coverage of the Winter Olympics, not one of the commentators can
pronounce Nagano correctly.
Saddam Hussein needs a friend like Linda Tripp.
AJC's "The Vent" <http://www.accessatlanta.com/local/thevent>
Bill Edwards <email@example.com>
UGA Humor List <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 12:16:49 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <email@example.com>
Subject: real bumper stickers...
To: mari schupp <firstname.lastname@example.org>
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
Date: Tue, 29 Sep 1998 20:43:09 -0400
From: smock <email@example.com>
Subject: SCREAM OF THE CROP
From Keith Thomas and Posted from: Mikey's Funnies, and posted in
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so
were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain --
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than
the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other
Date: Mon, 28 Sep 1998 16:24:38 -0400
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Mari Schupp)
Subject: Subject: I'm so glad you're not calling me about a bug.
Recently, in Yucks Digest V8 #8, you used the above referenced
article. At the end of the article is the following paragraph:
"Something about this whole business gives me a feeling of deja vu,
and now I remember why. It wasn't so long ago that we reported a
curious feature of the thesaurus in Microsoft Word. Type "unable to
follow directions," highlight the entire sentence (minus punctuation),
and hit Shift-F7. Is the word processor the confessional of the '90s?"
As an adendum, in a Microsoft word processor, and in the above manner,
try "I'd like to see Bill Gates dead." Just another little known
Easter Egg from those poor Microsofties!
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1998 22:14:12 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Wednesday, September 2, 1998 Issue
Toys and Religion
>>>>Joke Category = Religion -- Rating = G
Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
Judaism - He who buys toys at the lowest price, wins.
Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Anglican - They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox - No, they were ours first.
Branch Davidians - He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Atheism - There is no toy maker.
Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
Communism - Everyone gets the same number of toys,
and you go straight to the opposite of heaven if we catch
you selling ours.
B'Hai - All toys are just fine with us.
Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
Mormonism - Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Voodoo - Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Hedonism - Hang the rule book! Let's play!
7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
Church of Christ - He whose toys make music, looses.
Baptist - Once played always played.
Jehovah's Witnesses - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Pentecostalism - He whose toys can talk, wins.
Existentialism - Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from,
let's just play with them.
submitted by Michael S. Metz
End of Yucks Digest