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Yucks Digest V8 #9
Yucks Digest Mon, 28 Sep 98 Volume 8 : Issue 9
Today's Topics:
Afterschool Specials for the 90s
Another from Ted Dolotta
children's books you will never see [thanks Dave]
Comedy On Tap for Wed 8-5
Dogs
Downsizing
Flynt offers Starr job as porno aide
FW: Top Ten
Fwd: "the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure on children"
good bad worse
Grad School: The Game [thanks Josh]
Guffaws #330
Monday, August 3, 1998 Issue
New commandment
new hospital wing [thanks Dave]
QOTD - 9/25/98, Poundstone
Reminds me of that good lady who backed into a propeller.
Ruminations (2 msgs)
Saturday, August 1, 1998 Issue
Science at work
SCREAM OF THE CROP
Stuff Explodes! Number One at Box Office
Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.
The CIA
Two vegetables in a patch. (ULOTD)
We Men
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
** Note that material in the Yucks Digest may contain offensive words,
may be considered politically incorrect, present partisan policitcal
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 11:29:38 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: Afterschool Specials for the 90s
To: spaf
The Top 13 Afterschool Specials for the 90s
13> Joey's E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret
Service
12> Larry Learns About Leather
11> My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
10> It's a Mall World After All
9> RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenager's Guide to the Dangerous,
Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
8> I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
7> Look Before Crossdressing
6> The Littlest Testicle
5> Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girl's Guide to Staying Skinny
4> If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don’t Get Your Nipple Pierced
3> Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
2> Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!
and Top5's Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s...
1> Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to
Miami By Yourself, Probably Isn't Really 10 Years Old Like You
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 21:26:10 -0700
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Another from Ted Dolotta
To: spaf
A Question About Primates
On the letterhead of:
The Anglican Church of Canada
Office of the Primate
John Hearn, Director
Wisconson Regional Primate Research Centre
1223 Capitol Court
Madison, Wisconsin
U.S.A. 53715-1299
December 11, 1991
Dear Dr. Hearn:
Thank you for your letter of December 4 addressed to Dr. George
Cram of the Primate's World Relief and Development Fund in which
you seek information for your International Directory of Primatology.
I should perhaps inform you that the term "primate" in our
context refers to the senior archbishop and chief pastor of the
Anglican Church of Canada. The Relief and Development Fund over
which he presides is an agency for the alleviation of global
poverty and hunger on behalf of Anglican Christians in this
country.
I think the primates in your study are perhaps of a different
species. While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys
bananas, I have never seen him walk with his knuckles on the
ground or scratch himself publicly under the armpits. He does
have three children, but this is a far cry from "breeding
colonies of primates" as your research project mentions. Like
you we do not import our primates from the wild, however. They
are elected from among the bishops of our church. This is
occasionally a cause of similar, though arcane, comment.
The subject of primate biology might be of great importance in
your field but, alas, not so in ours. There are a mere 28
Anglican primates in the whole world. They are all males, of
course, but so far we have had no problems with reproduction.
They include such distinguished persons as the Most Reverend and
Right Honourable George Carey, Archbishop of Canterbury and
Archbishop Desmond Tutu of Capetown, South Africa. Have you sent
letters to them? Most importantly, have they responded? They
can, I believe, all read and write by themselves so perhaps this
might distort your data. Thank you for writing. I wonder if
your extremely efficient database might need just a little
refining?
Kindest Regards,
The Reverend Michael Ingham
Principal Secretary to the Primate
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 30 Jul 1998 11:53:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: children's books you will never see [thanks Dave]
To: spaf
These were from a Washington Post contest.
Children's Books You Will Never See:
"You Were an Accident" (Jean Sorensen, Herndon; Barry Believes,
Columbia)
"Strangers Have the Best Candy" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched" (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
"Some Kittens Can Fly!" (David Genser, Arlington)
"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion" (David Genser,
Arlington)
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver
Spring)
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face" (Thomas Drucker,
Carlisle, Pa.)
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?" (Barry Blyveis,
Columbia)
"Where's Godot?" (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her" (David
Genser, Arlington)
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
Animals of North Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!" (Meg
Sullivan, Potomac)
"All Dogs Go to Hell" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking" (Joseph Romm, Washington)
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say
God Did It" (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia" (John Kammer, Herndon)
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?" (Kenneth
Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
(Martin Keutel, Alexandria)
"Bi-Curious George" (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry" (Stephen Dudzik, Silver
Spring)
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver" (Russ Beland,
Springfield)
"You Are Different and That's Bad" (Christopher Richard,
Springfield)
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 04 Aug 1998 17:43:30 -0700
From: Rodney Lee <rodney@comedyontap.com>
Subject: Comedy On Tap for Wed 8-5
To: comedyontap@sparklist.com
RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW:
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's down put it up.
Don't cut your hair. Ever.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to
seem if he can find the perfect present, again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun
formation and monster trucks.
Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different; it's just
like every other cat.
Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not sport.
Anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range.
We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
Check your oil.
Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the
quiz together.
Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one
of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done - not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just
like you do.
Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
Anyone can buy condoms.
AND FINALLY, THE NUMBER ONE RULE:
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 21:15:15 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Dogs
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
DOGGIE PLEDGE
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast
food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the
house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard
after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom
end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones, or my
people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when
it's raining outside.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is
sitting on the toilet.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard
with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and car registration.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the
coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
Rowland C. Croucher <rowlandc@mira.net> [aus.jokes]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DOGGY DICTIONARY
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the
drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply,
repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to
test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push
the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with
margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of
bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush
and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person
then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want
them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn
them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your
eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the
papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is
polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers
clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good ACD's response to the command "sit!" especially if
your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before
black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking
a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when
combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Ms Kitty <MsKitty@katscratch.com>
Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Groaners@mail.otherwhen.com
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 26 Jul 1998 18:24:41 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Downsizing
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
STAFF CUTS -- PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
As our Company has to make drastic cuts in spending, volunteers are
needed to commit suicide. This will substantially reduce our salary
bill.
Employees wishing to participate in this scheme are asked to assemble on
the roof of the offices on alternate Fridays, commencing Friday 4
December, thus avoiding the Christmas rush.
Participants will be marked on the difficulty of their dive and the
highest scorer will receive greatly enhanced Death In Service benefits.
This action, in view of its voluntary nature, will not affect your
Pension rights.
However, participating staff are asked to avoid landing on Company Cars
as this will cost more money than is saved, which would be counter
productive and could cause injury to non-particpating spectators.
Non-participants are therefore asked to be vigilant and to keep glancing
skywards on these days of action.
It would also be appreciated if non-participants would give every
assistance to the Service Department in clearing up after the event.
Bodies will be disposed of in waste skips in the car park and staff are
therefore asked to ensure they keep moving on these days to avoid being
inadvertently mistaken for successful participants.
Any staff participating will be allowed to change his/her mind until
reaching the top floor, after which it will be impossible for the
attending Health and Safety Officer to get into a "Catching Positions."
The Company hopes to obtain a set reduction in staff through this scheme
and must therefore be considered one of our most worthwhile projects to
date. Should the scheme be over-subscribed, a waiting list will be
introduced.
To assist the Services Department, it would be appreciated if all
participants could take with them onto the roof a large black plastic
bag (available from the Post room). If they could climb into the bag
just prior to the jump, this will certainly ease congestion at ground
level.
It is important that the projected jumps are shown on your departments
staff planning charts so that work can be redistributed to you
colleagues to cause minimum disruption to the company. Any participant
choosing to jump outside normal working hours will not be paid overtime.
Shin Dio <shin.dio@kent.gov.uk> [rec.humor]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 98 11:14:10 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Flynt offers Starr job as porno aide
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[Would you call this a silver lining or a Trojan horse? Hmmm... -psl]
Forwarded-by: "pardo@cs.washington.edu" <pardo@cs.washington.edu>
<//dailynews.yahoo.com/headlines/od/story.html?s=v/nm/19980924/od/flynt_1.html>
Thursday September 24 11:04 AM EDT
Flynt offers Starr job as porno aide
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - If independent counsel Kenneth Starr ever wants a
new job after investigating President Clinton, Hustler magazine publisher
Larry Flynt has just the position for him -- adviser on pornography.
``After a reading of the Starr report I am impressed by the salacious and
voyeuristic nature of your work,'' Flynt wrote to Starr Wednesday offering
him a job with his group that publishes magazines specializing in sexual
subjects.
``The quality and quantity of material you have assembled in the Starr
report contains more pornographic references than those provided by Hustler
Online services this month,'' his letter said.
Flynt, who in the past has fought legal battles over pornography and freedom
of speech, went on to praise Starr's report on Clinton that graphically
describes the president's affair with his former White House intern Monica
Lewinsky.
``I congratulate you for having opened the doors of libraries and schools
to pornographic literature,'' the publisher wrote. ``Those of us at Hustler
need your assistance in extending the parameters of pornography to a wider
community of adults. You have opened a new era in promoting explicit sexual
materials.''
By including such explicit references in his report to Congress that could
form the basis for impeachment proceedings against Clinton, Flynt said Starr
has helped alter community standards in accepting pornography.
In his letter, Flynt compared the Starr report with his own Hustler Online
Magazine for its content. This month's magazine, for example, had 44
graphic references to genitalia, while the Starr report had 50, Flynt wrote.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 15:49:52 -0400
From: "Roberts, Robin" <rroberts@btg.com>
Subject: FW: Top Ten
To: "'spaf'" <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
From: Raymond C. Saunders, Jr.[SMTP:nortoni@erols.com]
> Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active~~~
>
> 10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
> 9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
> 8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of"denture-burn."
> 7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
> 6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
> 5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
> 4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
> 3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of
> the May issue of Hustler.
> 2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
> 1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 14:11:10 -0500
From: Chuck Koelbel <chk@cs.rice.edu>
Subject: Fwd: "the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure on children"
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
From: Chen Ding <cding@cs.rice.edu>
PRINCETON, NJ--Princeton University researchers who undertook a five-year
study to determine the effects of prolonged dichlorobenzene exposure
on children concluded Monday that five years is "one seriously long-ass
time."
"In June 1993, we began this study in an effort to find a link between
artificially high levels of environmental dichlorobenzene and an
assortment of birth defects and childhood ailments," team leader Dr.
Darren Bellisle said. "What we wound up discovering is that five years
is too damn long to spend on one topic."
Among the other notable findings in the 350-page report: that none of
the researchers would ever have those years back again; that many of the
researchers' friends had established lucrative private-sector careers,
gotten married and started families; and that extreme irritability,
nausea, vomiting and loss of appetite would result if any of the
researchers ever heard the word "dichlorobenzene" again.
"After five years of exhaustive research, I have concluded that some
things in this world are more important than learning about the effects of
prolonged exposure to dichlorobenzene," team member Dr. Alex Williamson
said. "My kids are almost grown now, and I wasn't even there to see
it happen."
Added Williamson: "Who's president now? Do people still go to the movies
and listen to music and fall in love? I wouldn't know, as I have had my
head in a petri dish for the last five years."
According to Williamson's wife Judith, who plans to file for divorce
this week, a direct link exists between dichlorobenzene and her husband's
inability to spend quality time with his family and maybe even take his
wife someplace nice every once in a while. She characterized her findings
as "conclusive."
Despite the Princeton researchers' misgivings, they have earned high
praise from their colleagues in the scientific community.
"This study is a real breakthrough," said Jennifer Hoyer, chief of
pediatric research at Johns Hopkins University. "I myself have been
involved in a one-year electromagnetic-radiation study and a three-year
fetal-tissue-development study, projects which were damn long and goddamn
long, respectively. But this landmark work will inspire a whole new
generation of scientific researchers to say, "It's just not worth it.'"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 04 Aug 1998 10:04:29 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: good bad worse
To: yucks
Good, Bad, Worse
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You're in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a crossdresser
Worse: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Worse: So are you
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Worse: She's a lawyer
Good: You came home for a quickie
Bad: The postman had the same idea
Worse: You have to wait
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 05 Aug 1998 11:19:31 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: Grad School: The Game [thanks Josh]
To: yucks
Graduate School(tm): The Game
Hey kids, check out the cool new game that's sweeping the nation! Be
the first on your block to own a copy of "Graduate School(tm): The
Game" from TenureCo, the makers of such classics as "Rush Hour Madness,"
"My First Blue Book Exam," "Little Lawyer," and "Johnny Tax Auditor."
With "Graduate School(tm): The Game" you can experience all the
fun and realism of grad school in the comfort of your own home.
Every nuance of the real graduate experience is reproduced in
this game. The game takes you through the whole process:
- Application
- acceptance
- classwork
- research
- data analysis
- psychoanalysis
- authorship battles
- boring talks
- confusing talks
- long talks
- uncomprehensible talks
- Depression
- Social Isolation
- Job Hunting
And so much more!
Call all your friends over for years of wholesome fun.
Check out these great features of
"Graduate School(tm): The Game:"
* Choose Your Own Character
You have your choice of a wide variety of characters:
- Jill: the emotionally unstable ABD
- Fred: the naive first-year
- Harold: the overwhelmed and under-funded RA
- Laura: the disgruntled TA
- Jaques: the exploited international student
- Backstabbing Caroline: the political opportunist
And many, many more...
* Confront a Wide Array of Interesting Opponents
Throughout your quests in strange and exotic lands you will
encounter people who apparently receive great joy at your
misfortune, in fact they are a major cause of this misfortune:
- Administress: the evil secretary with her dreaded red tape
- Prof. Rewrite: if he gets on your committee you're doomed
- Metoo: A fellow grad student who becomes a dead weight on all
your projects
- Ronny: The smelly undergrad RA who scares all your subjects away
- Partytime Pamela: Invites you to time wasting parties every other
night
- Prof. Touchy-Feely: A sexual harrassment case waiting to happen
- Rod Starr: Super Grad Student, makes you look bad by graduating
in 12 days
- Susan Stickyfingers: Your kleptomaniac officemate
Along with dozens of others!
* Real Life Challenges
Pick a Setback Card and see what fun adventures await you:
- Join a Committee: Research slows down 1/2
- Videogame attack: Lose 12 turns playing Snood
- One More Analysis: Repeat all previous analyses
- Dissertation Scooped: Go back to "new candidate" status
- Get Drunk at a Conference: Spin the Faculty Insult Wheel for
your penalty
- Advisor Retires/Moves/Changes Interests: Start over
- Car Towed: Sell your stereo to get it out of hock, lose
motivation
To name a few...
* Different Ways to Finish!
Most games are boring. They have a "winner" and a bunch of "losers."
The goal of "Graduate School(tm): The Game" is different.
There are no winners in grad school, only survivors and failures.
Your goal is to be a survivor, that means different things to
different people. There are a wide range of ways to survive:
- Go to law school: Successfully escape
- Marry rich: Don't worry anymore
- Find God: Science is for fools
- Family: Change your priorities
- Capitalize on one of your ideas and make millions: Ah, engineering...
- Graduate: ???
"Graduate School(tm): The Game" -- Look for it in stores near you!
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 21:09:20 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #330
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you
have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the
commands. The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the
opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General
Lee superimposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke
screen saver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called
This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys, Control
Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4
wheel drive, and floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag
and duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff at does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or
punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
outhouse paper...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
iner-net.................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford &Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck just need two list in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
rasin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV
stations that carry the races
car n truck Parts........nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of
the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement
version.
------------------------------
Date: 3 Aug 1998 05:16:53 -0000
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Monday, August 3, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
>>> THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
>>> THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the
Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 13:56:00 -0500
From: "R.L. Aaron" <aaron@purdue.edu>
Subject: New commandment
To: "R.L. Aaron" <aaron@purdue.edu>
>From another listserv:
>There is now an 11th commandment in the White House:
>Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 10:37:39 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: new hospital wing [thanks Dave]
To: spaf
When doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new
wing at a hospital:
The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The microsurgeons were thinking along the same vein.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The parasitologists said, "well, if you encyst".
The pathologists yelled, "over my dead body!"
The pediatricians said, "grow up".
The proctologists said, "we are in arrears".
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, "this puts a whole new face on the matter".
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The D.O.s thought they were being manipulated.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.
The cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
And the otologists were deaf to the idea.
The new wing didn't fly!
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 98 00:04:28 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - 9/25/98, Poundstone
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Jack Doyle" <whiteh2o@hotmail.com>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's
just sort of a tired feeling."
- Paula Poundstone
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Reminds me of that good lady who backed into a propeller.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: good@pixar.com (Craig Good)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Forwarded By: johnmc@chrystal.com (John Mc)
Some friends and I were discussing, if a lawyer can be disbarred, doesn't
it follow that a banker can be disinterested, and a blackjack dealer can
be discarded? Continuing with that theme:
cabinet member disappointed
"Cannabis Club" owner disjointed
cashier distilled
chemist dissolutioned
C.P.A. discounted
cremated person discerned
detective dissolved
dry cleaner disdained
editor dispelled
electrician discharged
geologist dismantled
glutten disgorged
Hamlet disdained
hero discouraged
inventor disingenuous
Iranian immigrant dispersion
jockey displaced
lawyer distorted
magician disillusioned
map maker disoriented
Marine drill sarge disgruntled
marriage counselor disavowed
mathematician disproven
mathematician (2) disintegrated
medium dispirited
meteorologist disgusted
mixologist disbarred
model disposed
mountain climber disinclined
movie star discredited
mugger dispersed
mute disallowed
nudist discovered
nymphomaniac disguised
Olympic skater disfigured
perfume maker dissented
person cured of Tourette's Syndrome discussed
Pete Rose distributed
porn star dismounted
proctologist disemboweled
professional mover dislocated
prospector disclaimed
residential developer distracted
rock musician disbanded
Rodney Dangerfield disrespected
saint disgraced
seamstress dispatched
singer discord
steel worker distempered
Supreme Court Justice disrobed
thespian displayed
union leader dismembered
virologist disinfected
warlock disenchanted
whorehouse madam dismissed
Thanks to Amazing Larry, Theresa E., Brad J., and Joyce T.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Aug 1998 18:24:14 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
I am the most anti-social person I know. But of course, I don't know
anyone because I'm so anti-social. --Derek Neitzel
Maybe tomorrow is actually the last day of the first part of my life.
--Michael McCuiston
I have a burning sensation when I pee. Think I should call the Fire
Department? --Jim Rosenberg
What's the difference between stalking and overzealous admiration? I
guess that's what the jury will decide at my trial next week. --Dave
Henry
After my Windows 98 crashed 6 times, I ran out and got "Friend of the
Robot" tattooed on my forehead, thinking the machines were rebelling and
planning to kill us all. Imagine my chagrin when it just turned out to
be a crappy product. --Davejames
The next time someone calls you an idiot, I think a good way to
retaliate is to take off your clothes and run at them screaming. Boy,
does THAT confuse them! --Craig Stacey
My lifelong dream has always been to own a little bakery in a remote
provincial French town, something small and quaint. Then I'd close all
the windows, and watch pornography all day long. A man can dream, can't
he? --LeMel Hebert-Williams
Graduation is a funny thing. It probably helps that I went to clown
college, though. --Justin E. Kerner
Growing up, my father told me I could be whomever I wanted. What a
cruel hoax *that* was! I'm still his son. --Kenny Smith
When I run marathons, my goal isn't to win or to place, or even to
finish it under a certain time. It's to catch that cute guy with the
nice butt in the little shorts running in front of me. --Ann Dantsuka
Isn't it amazing that South American three-banded armadillos, with three
flexible joints in their shells, can roll up in a ball, while North
American nine-banded, armadillos, with nine flexible joints, can't?
--Chuck Bonner
Once, when I was a kid, I was eating a hot-dog and my grandfather told
me that he had toured the factory, and that hot dogs were made of pig
lips and rectums. I thought to myself, "That's gross! What kind of
twisted bastard tours a pig lip and rectum factory?!?" --Rich Marek
I bet that guy who learned everything he needed to know in kindergarten
feels pretty dumb paying his student loan every month. --Pat Perez
I once went to a hockey game where a fight broke out. Then I went to a
fight where a hockey game broke out. I figured I'd had enough
excitement for a while, so I went to a baseball game. --Doug Johnson
A friend of mine goes through the bridal section of the Sunday paper
looking for the "dog of the week." I think that's cruel and demeaning
toward women, so I look for the one who shows the most cleavage. --Dave
Henry
I don't know why they give special eyeglasses to people with stigmata.
You'd think they would give them special gloves instead. --Mark Niebuhr
I wonder if NASA thought the moon might be made of cheese before they
sent up the Apollo 11 crew. Because if it was, it would have been
really bad if the astronauts were lactose intolerant. --Paul
Paternoster
I used to lose my temper in arguments, until someone told me, "Cooler
heads prevail." Thus began my collection in the basement freezer.
--John H. Crocker
Sometimes, when I'm feeling really down, I comfort myself by reminding
myself how fortunate we are that Elton John isn't the next Messiah.
--Eryk Nielsen
If you stacked all the US currency together, you could probably reach
the moon, but I bet the Apollo program was still more economical.
--Larry Baum
If someone want so say "word" to my mother, I hope the word is "quiet"
because my mom is so freakin' loud. --Jim Rosenberg
The first thing I do after opening a bar of Ivory soap is to scrape off
the .0056 part that's impure. I mean, who wants to wash themselves with
that crap? --Paul Paternoster
You can stay up until the cows come home, but it's awful hard to explain
the cows to your condo association. --Chuck Smith
I think everyone would like to have a surprise party thrown for them,
but not if it's a "surprise, I want a divorce" party, or a "surprise, I
have a new lover" party. --Ken Alwine
Remember, no matter how heavy something is, you can always make it weigh
more by tossing bricks on it. --Eryk Nielsen
Since couples who are married for a long time begin to resemble one
another, I think it would be wise if a little shrimpy guy married a very
big and manly woman. --Dave James
If I were a superhero, I'd use my real name. That would make it tougher
for some evil nemesis to figure out my secret identity. --R.M. Weiner
A tip for the ladies: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult your mind
believes its going to be. --Michelle Argabrite
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a '57 Chevy will just about
obliterate them. --Matthew W. Schmeer
Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't. --Chuck Bonner
I suspect that the game "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Pavement-Saw" would
generally end in a tie. --Tom Kelleher
After extensive research, I have determined that cats do have nine
lives. But this has made for some awkward moments on the autopsy table
since you can never really tell which life is nine. --David James
I read once that Shakespeare had a vocabulary of 17,000 words. That's
pretty impressive, but I bet he used some of them twice. --Jeff
Alexander
I found a secret old Sicilian proverb that says, "... [bang, bang,
bang]" --Dave Henry
Sometimes I'll think, "Is life worth living?"
and then I'll think, "Is death worth dying?"
and then I'll think, "Is cheese worth cheesing?"
and then I'll think, "Whew! I've had enough to drink!" --R.M. Weiner
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 06 Aug 1998 21:14:47 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
It's great being a new mom. The only thing I worry about is that one
day the FBI will break down my door and take the baby back to his real
mother. But I guess it's normal for new moms to worry. --Anna
Chin-Williams
They say that curiosity killed the cat. Not my cat. He got run over by
a tractor-trailor. --Paul Paternoster
My friend Lee says that smoking pot makes people lazy and unmotivated.
I say we kick his ass one of these days when we can get around to it.
--Mark Niebuhr
Sometimes the giant hamster of misfortune doesn't seem to want to run on
anybody's wheel but yours. --George Olson
I think my favorite thing in the house has to be the cat... mainly
because she's just like a big piece of noisy Velcro when you toss her at
the sofa. --Michelle Argabrite
When I rent video tapes, sometimes they say the film has been
reformatted to fit my TV. How do they know what TV I have? Is that
creepy or what? --Greg Leafe
You can keep shooting holes in your television set when Kathie Lee
Gifford comes on, and she'll be back week after week, smiling just as
hard, no harm done. But wave a simple pocket knife at her in public and
all hell breaks loose. --Davejames
There is no business like show business, but taxidermy is probably a
close second. --Chuck Smith
Cholesterol Free Margarine: So if the cholesterol is free, how come the
margarine isn't any cheaper? --Bruce Mitchell
Every time I start to get down about the state of the world, I think of
ice cream. It doesn't cheer me up or anything, it just makes me want
some, then I eat it too fast and get one of those ice cream headaches.
Man, do those babies hurt! --Craig Stacey
If I ever have a cat, I'll name it Kenny. That way, everyone will know
what to say when I kill it. --Chuck Bonner
You know when you get really wasted and the next morning they say you
should have a hair of the dog? Personally, I prefer a hair of a
rabbit. Either that or another beer. --Jennifer Ritzinger
I believe what people do in the privacy of their own bedroom is their
own business, unless I can somehow see it on the Internet. --Jim
Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
Graduation is a funny thing. Especially graduating from a clown
college. --Justin E. Kerner
If there are two sides to every story, why do supermarket tabloids
always give the benefit of the doubt to the Space Aliens? --Doug
Johnson
------------------------------
Date: 1 Aug 1998 04:45:18 -0000
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Saturday, August 1, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
With the overwhelming success of VIAGRA, the new drug for
the treatment of impotence in men, there has been an interest on
the part of many major companies considering a possible merger
with VIAGRA's manufacturer. The potential market for a
product like VIAGRA, coupled with the established reputation of
a nationally recognized company could be a goldmine -
ESPECIALLY, WITH THE USE OF POPULAR
COMPANY MOTTOS!!!!
Consider a merger of VIAGRA with:
AT&T whose motto is "Reach out and touch someone".
-or-
Burger King - "Home of the WHOPPER"
You get the idea.
Here are some more:
Chevrolet - "Like a ROCK".
Energizer Batteries - "Keeps on going, and going, and going......."
U.S. Army - "Be all that you can be".
Don't forget McDonald's, where you can "Supersize for just $0.39".
MCI can give a new twist to their "Friends & Family" circles.
With Timex, it "Takes a licking and keeps on ticking".
Les Schwab Tires offers "Free Beef".
Surge pop says "Feel the rush".
VISA - "It's everywhere you want to be".
IBM provides "Solutions for a small planet"
With Allstate Insurance, "You're in good hands".
The Marines are "Looking for a few good men".
and of course
AM/PM minimart boasts "Too much good stuff".
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 23:11:23 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Science at work
To: the-usual-suspects
I'm going to get in trouble for this one.
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the
scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that
100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without
making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't
think, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further
testing is planned...
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 12:55:47 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: smock@flatoday.infi.net
>From "Bill's Punch Line" at tcmrtalk@airmail.net
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total-loss
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his
friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Jul 1998 13:05:05 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Stuff Explodes! Number One at Box Office
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: scottpatrick@juno.com (Scott E. Patrick)
News Summary
-- by Joe Lavin
Stuff Explodes! Number One at Box Office
In its opening weekend, the new action film Stuff Explodes! earned a
staggering $76.3 million at the box office to become the number one
movie in America. According to a spokesperson at 20th Century Walt
Disney Warner, that was the highest opening ever for a movie that did
not make more than $76.3 million in its opening weekend. "We're very
proud of this accomplishment, and we hope to break more records in the
future." The spokesperson said.
Not surprisingly, the movie, about an asteroid that crashes into an
erupting volcano in the midst of a tornado caused by an alien
invasion, had its most success with young men, while most young women
preferred to see Long Movie In Which Stuff Doesn't Explode At All
which finished second for the week.
Siskel Out 2-3 Weeks with Torn Ligament in Thumb
Popular film reviewer Gene "The Skinny One" Siskel tore ligaments in
his right thumb over the weekend at a screening of the new film Stuff
Explodes! The injury occurred at the end of the film when both Siskel
and Ebert attempted to give the film "two thumbs up, way way up."
"I guess I just have to be careful." Siskel said later. "I forgot to
stretch beforehand, and as the body gets older you're just more prone
to injuries." At first, many were worried that the injury would be
more serious. However, when Siskel was taken to nearby Chicago
Deaconess Hospital for an MRI, doctors determined that there was no
serious damage to the thumb.
"Thank goodness." Siskel said. "The Doctors said it should be all
better in a 2-3 weeks. Hopefully, if I follow their training program
I'll be able to return even sooner." Over the next few weeks, Siskel
has been told to take it easy and see only crappy movies that do not
require his thumb to be stretched upward. "I just rented all the
Police Academy films plus The Postman." Siskel said outside his home
yesterday.
While his partner is out, Roger Ebert plans to appear on the show
alone and argue about movies with himself.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Rob Windsor <windsor@warthog.com>
Forwarded-by: David Peck <dpeck@xtra.co.nz>
Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble
10. Sometimes stays in bed til after 6 a.m.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."
2. Caught "churning butter" alone in the bathroom.
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 20:37:22 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: The CIA
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
CIA LINKED TO PMS
WASHINGTON (DWPI) -- According to sources, the CIA is planning to issue
an official apology for introducing PMS into the general female
population in America. Documents show that in the late 50's the Agency
created the cramped trailer park, the beer drinking no-good husband,
poker night and then engineered highly-sugared cereal, resulting in
hyperactive kids. A liberal mix of these elements, even under short
exposure bursts, created the initial strain of PMS in "Woman X" that
eventually mutated and spread out of control through the female
population at large. Sources claim that an apology for "Plumber's
Buttcrack" is also in the works.
Reported by Dave James
The Daily Weekly, August 13, 1997 <daily@walrus.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
SPIES OF LIFE
During the most intensive days of the cold war, the Central Intelligence
Agency undertook a recruitment drive to booster its ranks and try to
rectify the Soviet intelligence advantages. During the initial
interviews, two candidates appeared particularly promising. Wayne and
Amber were a brother and sister team. Although their fervor and
patriotism could not be denied and their aptitude for spying was
peerless, their one flaw was their inability to get along with each
other. Rarely did a moment go by when they weren't arguing, bickering
or insulting each other. As unorthodox as this behavior may have been,
they were admitted to the CIA's training program and both excelled in
all of their training. However, throughout their training they were
constantly arguing and screaming at each other. Their first assignment
was to infiltrate a group of Soviet agents who were using Washington's
nightclubs and restaurants as meeting places to plan their activities.
Wayne and Amber had to become familiar with the coming and going of
these restaurant patrons. One night they had to visit five restaurants
in a row. In order to protect their covers, they had to fit in with the
restaurant crowd; that meant drinking and dining as legitimate patrons
at these elegant eating establishments. As they went from restaurant to
restaurant, they argued, bickered and screamed at each other, all the
while eating full meals and drinking their fill. Because this was their
first assignment, they were observed by a couple of CIA veterans. The
observers were amazed by their huge appetites but did witness their
arguing. One observer turned to the other and said, .... "They're
dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne."
(Thanks to Theodore Brett)
Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
OtherHumor@mail.otherwhen.com
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 09:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Two vegetables in a patch. (ULOTD)
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Larry Buck <lbuck@randomwalk.com>
Forwarded-by: Maya V <mvosko@looksmart.net>
Dixon, IL- Police arrested Fausto Monaci, a 27 year old white male,
resident of Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.
Monaci will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and
there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there
wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Monaci went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut
a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I
was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment.
In the process, Monaci apparently failed to notice the Dixon Municipal
police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer
Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for
sure." Said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Monaci) and he's...just
working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Monaci. "I
just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked
me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight
already?"
Taylor arrested him but said that the suspect accepted his predicament
in good humor. "I have to give him credit... that was a quick comeback"
Taylor said of the man's comment.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 4 Aug 1998 19:02:17 -0700
From: ksullivan@nish.org
Subject: We Men
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
And God created woman, and she had three breasts. He then asked the woman,
"Is there anything that you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?" And so it
was done, and it was good.
Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in her hand,
"What can be done with this useless boob?"
And God created man.
Dick Wells
Funnies <funnies@jps.net>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 01 Aug 1998 23:51:51 -0400
From: dahl.gerberick@us.pwcglobal.com
To: spaf
An 85-year-old man marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new
husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should
have separate suites so that the old fellow not over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the
door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom
ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon
he takes
his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is
again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further
coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a
fond good
night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is
close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door
and there he is again fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.
Once again they do the horizontal boogie.
As they are laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really
impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times.
I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."
The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "was I already here?"
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End of Yucks Digest
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