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Yucks Digest V8 #8
Yucks Digest Fri, 25 Sep 98 Volume 8 : Issue 8
Today's Topics:
[Fwd: Fwd: Assorted Sundries Newsletter Issue#4 Volume #1]
[Fwd: joke]
A Poem for you
Bear in Boise (Shaggy Dog Story)
Been there, done that.
Comedy On Tap for Mon 9-21
Confessin' . . .
Different criteria.
Economists
Engineers
FW: Blonde pilots
FW: I'll take the Queen in the Center
God wants your feedback
Guffaws #321
I'm so glad you're not calling me about a bug.
Insert witty title here.
Is there any end to the Clinton/Lewinsky jokes...
Low Watt Brains
Microsoft DIVX 2000
QOTD
QOTD - 9/23/98, Alfred North Whitehead
Quote for the day
Rememberances from the Dark Corner (Pun)
Self-Help Books (Warning: Contains Four-Letter Words)
Subscriber Contributions, 1 of 4
Subscriber Contributions, 2 of 4
Subscriber Contributions, 4 of 4
The memo we never saw.
Them vs. US
Thursday, September 24, 1998 Issue
Top5 - 9/22/98 - New Wonder Drugs
Ummm. Well. Yes.
Viagra (Risque Topic!)
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
** Note that material in the Yucks Digest may contain offensive words,
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 13:18:22 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: [Fwd: Fwd: Assorted Sundries Newsletter Issue#4 Volume #1]
To: mari schupp <mari_schupp@mail.sel.sony.com>
Best Emergency Room Stories Of 1995
AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents.
Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,
Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on
his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and
Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten
off.
Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and,
in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm
still not sure why I did it," she said later. "I was really close to the
car, so I didn't think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn't have been
for more than two seconds."
However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running
over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.
Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The
crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran's
gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers
from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of
the medical building.
TAOS, NM - A woman went to a poison control center after eating three
birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a
picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A
translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.
Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,
being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she
realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill
with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a
few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her
mouth, throat and stomach with no ill effects.
La Grange, GA - Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags
the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it
into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat
down right on the thing."
The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover
to Mr Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real
trooper during the entire episode," said Dr Dennis Crobe. "Tony just
cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times
during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about
it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we
really did expect to find an answering machine in there"
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when
one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the
Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew
more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge
at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered
that no one had brought bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a
coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was secured
around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall
lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and
was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
"All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on
that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot
was never located. (yeah whatever! Like God cared that he was an idiot!)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 13:33:45 -0500
From: Stephanie Ann Miller <millersa@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: [Fwd: joke]
To: coast-all@cs.purdue.edu
From: SC96@chrysler.com
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud
shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter
the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and
it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
"I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last
forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden
staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute,"
says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 15:47:13 -0700
From: Fred Clegg <Fred_Clegg@mentorg.com>
Subject: A Poem for you
To: spaf
I got all excited, made a giant mess,
It was my misfortune, it landed on her dress.
Man I thought I was careful, and pointed far away,
But she caught a dressful of Flyin' D.N.A,
She was so damn playful, such a little tease,
I used to laugh at the rug burn, on her chubby knees.
She tried her best to escape it, but couldn't get away,
I bit my lip and fired, Flyin' D.N.A.,
I thought it was our secret, but she let it slip,
Monica went blabbin', right to Linda Tripp.
She taped it on her recorder, and she just pressed play,
And the world got an earful, of Flyin' D.N.A.,
When the dress gets tested, by the F.B.I.,
My only option is to just deny.
But before you impeach me, here's what's in store,
Your new 'El Presidente', will be that putz Al Gore.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 1998 16:54:18 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Bear in Boise (Shaggy Dog Story)
To: kegel@fea.net
A bear goes into a bar in Boise, sits up at the bar and asks the
bartender for a beer. The bartender looks up and says "I'm sorry but we
don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise." At this the bear gets very
upset, and says "If you don't give me a beer I'm going to get really
mad!" The bartender not wanting any trouble says "I'm really sorry and I
don't want you to get mad but, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise."
Now at this point the bear is getting really mad! So he looks around and
sees a couple quietly having dinner. He gets up and knocks the table
over, the couple scream and run out. Now the bear asks the bartender,
"How did you like that? Do I get my beer now?"
The bartender says "I didn't like that at all! But, we don't serve beers
to bears in bars in Boise!"
The bear is getting visibly upset, "Look, if you don't give me that beer
I'm going to hurt someone!"
Now the crowd is getting nervous, the bartender again tries to calm the
now very, very upset bear down, "I'd really rather you not hurt anyone,
but I still can't give you that beer because we don't serve beers to
bears in bars in Boise!"
Well, at this point the bear jumps up and grabs the guy sitting next to
him and tears into him, ripping him to pieces. Everyone is horrified and
the poor guy crawls out the door. The bear feeling sure he'll get his
beer now says "So, how did you like that? How about my beer?"
The bartender holds his ground and says "That was terrible!! I really
wish you wouldn't have done that but we do not serve beers to bears in
bars in Boise!"
So now the bear gets furious, "If you don't give me that beer I'm going
to kill someone!" Of course the bartender doesn't doubt it but tells him
"Please don't kill anyone! But we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Well, as you can imagine the bear is crazy by now and looks to the end
of the bar and sees this sleazy, nasty woman with fishnet stockings,
sucking on a cigarette, guzzling down drinks.
So he gets up and goes down to her, rips her off the stool, tears her in
half, and rips out her guts. Blood goes everywhere as he eats her up! He
then turns to the bartender with blood dripping from his mouth, "So!..
Now do I get that beer?"
The bartender is sickened by what he sees, "That was awful!! I sure wish
you wouldn't have done that because we also don't serve beers to people
that do drugs!"
Well the bear can't believe it, "I don't do drugs!"
The bartender replies "Oh, yes you do.. ... What about that bar bitch
you ate?"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Been there, done that.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound
mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the
second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially
referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any
current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs,
phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or
currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet
terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated
complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized
sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate
termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who
arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker")
blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser"
or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean:
My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione
in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch", see Sharon Stone in
"Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction".)
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the
first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology
in describing their said "dating":
For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are
"going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of
exclusivity.) Following the first thirty (30) days, both parties may say
they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an
item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date,
either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and
their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no
circumstances are the phrases "my better half", "the little woman", "the
old ball and chain", or "my old man/lady" acceptable.
Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up;
however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule,
the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving
too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market".
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties
agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends,
weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or
expectations will be made; both parties agree they have no "rights" or
"holds" on the other's time.
Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party
continues to be "missing in action" without explanation, the "wounded
party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the
couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures,
schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least
twenty-four (24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the
middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties
agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies.
Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship
agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the
delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers. Following the
first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal
personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside
-- "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and
breakfasts until: "He" considers her suitably impressed, "he" is broke,
or "he" says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!"
Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which
are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the
time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to
keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to
the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together,
every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective
apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence
the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. He agrees to "pick up after
himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his
whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same
token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of
the couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of
phrases like "Let's move in together", "Why don't we start a family?" and
using archaic terminology like "Let's get married".
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to
use the phrase "I love you". They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars,
concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other.
Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party
using the "G" word... "Gone".
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for
immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend,
Ending an argument with the sentence "My ex used to do the same thing";
Suggesting that no matter how kindly that the other member should seek
"help"; Ending any argument with the phrase "My analyst thinks you are..."
11. DECLARATION OF STRENGTH: At the time of breakup, each party reserves
the right to make the other feel guilty by using one or all of the
following phrases: "You'll never find anybody better"; "Nobody could ever
make you happy"; "I'll find somebody who can really appreciate me"; "My
analyst think you are..." (appropriate psychosis/neurosis goes here)
12. MISCELLANEOUS: Both parties agree to remain exclusive until such time
as the relationship appear to be "on the rocks".
Each party agrees to give the other at least five minutes notice before
terminating said relationship.
At the termination of said affair, both parties agree to be mature and
return compiled socks, sweatshirts, books, record albums, door keys, and
personal undergarments with all due haste through impartial intermediaries.
Each party agrees to wait at least seventy-two (72) hours before engaging
in sex with any of the other's friends.
Both parties agree to refrain from slandering the other for a period of
at least seven days (bedroom performace included), and further consent to
use one of the following nebulous terms in the description of the breakup:
"The timing wasn't right."
"He/she wanted more than I could give."
"He/she was too involved in his/her career."
"He/she decided to go back to his/her lover/hometown/therapist."
13. ADDENDUM: After the initial breakup -- no matter what -- both parties
agree to give the relationship "one more shot".
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 19 Sep 1998 19:15:31 -0700
From: Rodney Lee <rodney@comedyontap.com>
Subject: Comedy On Tap for Mon 9-21
To: comedyontap@sparklist.com
A lady walks into this diner, sits at the luncheonette
counter and orders a hamburger. The huge woman behind the
counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even
bigger and more disgusting,, screams, "Bur-ger!" whereupon
he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare
armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and
then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the
most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress replies,
"Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning
when he makes the doughnuts."
-- Phardo
[Unfortunately, I think I've eaten there. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 98 18:04:37 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Confessin' . . .
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
[Also see "I'm Confessing..." 6 Feb 1997 in the Fun_People archives at
<www.langston.com/psl-bin/Fun_People.cgi>
-psl]
Forwarded-by: jmorton@euler.Berkeley.EDU (John Morton)
The priest has been in the confessional for some time, and realizes he
has to pee. He opens the door, looks around frantically, and spots a
familiar parishioner walking up the aisle. "Pardon, would you do me a great
favor and handle the confessional for me while I run to the bathroom?" The
man tries to beg off, but the priest is insistent:"Really, there's nothing
it! On the wall of the booth is a chart of all the sins; opposite each one
you'll find the corresponding penance." The priest cannot be dissuaded, so
the man reluctantly enters the booth. Immediately he hears someone enter
the confessional:
"Father, I have sinned."
"And what was your sin, my son?"
"I committed anal intercourse."
The man rolls his eyes, then remembers the chart. He scans it
thoroughly, but realizes that "anal intercourse" is not there. Frantically,
he opens the door and looks around. An altar boy is walking up the aisle.
"Quick, help me out, what does the Father give for anal intercourse?"
The boy thinks a moment, then replies, "Two Snickers bars."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Different criteria.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Jokes-l list <bdonison@etc.bc.ca>
From: will@mindspring.net
I was sitting in class today with a smart-assed friend who asked the
instructor "Can you reassign literals"?
"What do you mean?" the TA responded.
"Well, in FORTRAN, you can say '1 = 2', and it's perfectly legal."
"I don't think you can. But why would you want to?"
"There's no technical reason. But the job security purposes are endless!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 21:55:19 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Economists
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
MOUNTAIN CLIMBING
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours
they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time,
turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his
compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?"
"Yes," answered the others eagerly.
"Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
Economist Jokes <http://www.etla.fi/pkm/JokEc.html>
HAND <smiles@bapp.com>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 10:38:10 -0700
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Engineers
To: spaf
Understanding The Engineer
The optimist: This glass is half full.
The pessimist: This glass is half empty.
The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.
Engineers' Terminology's Revealed
1- A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED.
We are still clueless.
2- EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE
PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3- CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4- MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH.
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5- CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED.
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
(Example-Denver Airport)
6- PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE.
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7- TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING.
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8- THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED.
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9- IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10- WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it. We have enough problems for now.
11- PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12- GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we've already done.
13- GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull.
14- SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15- ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16- RUGGED
Too darn heavy to lift.
17- LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18- YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
19- ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.
20- LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 11:51:18 -0400
From: "John Hackel" <jhackel@ix.netcom.com>
Subject: FW: Blonde pilots
To: <jhackel@ix.netcom.com>
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly
that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to
instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics
and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
loveit! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of
this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to
fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning
to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half
a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't
remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
------------------------------
Date: 17 Sep 1998 17:03:39 -0500
From: alfred@GlobeSet.com (Alfred J Correira)
Subject: FW: I'll take the Queen in the Center
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
------- Start of forwarded message -------
Due to a certain popularity of the recent Hollywood Squares missive, a
roving correspondent who shall remain nameless has found more zingers
from our beloved Paul Lynde.
ZINGERS FROM THE HOLLYWOOD
SQUARES
When Stanley asked his famous question "Dr. Livingston, I presume?"
Dr. Livingston made a less famous reply. What was it?
-"Kiss me"
During the War of 1819, Capt. Oliver Perry made the famous statement,
"We have met the enemy and..." And what?
-'They are cute.'
True or false: John Davidson's first date when he came to Hollywood
was Annette Funicello?
-Wasn't everybody's
According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, whenever Mrs. Ronald
Reagan gets mad, she sits in the bathtub and talks to someone. Who?
-George Murphy
In the popular children's Mother Goose rhyme, what did the pussy cat
do under the queen's chair?
-Numero uno
When a dog is happy that you've just arrived home, he'll wag his tail.
What will a goose do?
-Make him bark.
Advice columnist Ann Landers says that when she hears those
"four-letter words" in mixed company, they make her feel a certain
way. What way is that?
-All tingly.
According to French Chef Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
-Just enough to turn 'er on.
According to recent studies at Stanford, is there anything inside a
woman's body that makes her tend to cry more than men?
-Yes, triplets!
Can guinea pigs whistle?
-Only when they come to a boil.
Connie Stevens shares something she uses in her nightclub act with her
ex-husband, Eddie Fisher. Eddie is now using it in his act. What is
it?
-A sequin pants suit.
Should you be gentle when trying to awaken an elephant?
-I just leave peanuts on the dresser and tip-toe out.
When the Doris Day Show starts, Doris comes down a staircase, smiles a
big smile, and then says three words which helped make her famous.
What are these three words?
-"Don't touch me!"
Source: Zingers from the Hollywood Squares, edited by Gail Sicilia,
New York: Popular Library, 1974.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 11:19:15 -0700
From: "Terri Gilbert" <tgilbert@sprynet.com>
Subject: God wants your feedback
To: "Terri Gilbert" <tgilbert@sprynet.com>
GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you
prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about your deity?
__ Newspaper
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Television
__ Book of Mormon
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Dead Sea Scrolls
__ My Mama Done Tol' Me
__ Near Death Experience
__ Near Life Experience
__ National Public Radio
__ Tabloid
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify): _____________
2. Which model deity did you acquire?
__ Yahweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
__ Jehovah
__ Jesus
__ Krishna
__ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
__ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
__ Allah
__ Satan
__ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
indicate all that apply:
__ Not eternal
__ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
__ Not omniscient
__ Not omnipotent
__ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
__ Permits sex outside of marriage
__ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
__ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera; Michael Jackson)
__ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
__ When beseeched, does not stay beseeched
__ Requires burnt offerings
__ Requires virgin sacrifices
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please
check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed focus in whom to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
__ Shit was falling out of the sky
__ My shrubbery caught fire and a loud voice commanded me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? Is so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Mick Jagger
__ Cthulhu
__ Baal
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Bill Gates
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ The Radical Right
__ Ra
__ Beelzebub
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ Elvis
__ Cindy Crawford
__ The Moon
__ A burning shrubbery
__ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll
__ Biorhythms
__ Alcohol
__ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ The Internet
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Teletubbies
__ Other:_____________________
__ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
A. Disasters:
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles:
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of Our
conveniently located drop-off boxes by July 30 you will be entered in The
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power, depending on number of
beings entered).
Thank You,
Daryl
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 08 Aug 1998 01:54:57 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #321
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
The Top 16 Signs Your Spouse is an Alien
16> Has put over 3 million light years on the station wagon.
15> Thinks "Friends" is hysterical.
14> One trip to the in-laws nets you over a billion frequent
flyer miles.
13> Constantly arguing with siblings Tito and LaToya.
12> Uses a Zarkan-English dictionary to prop up short end of
cold-fusion-powered toaster.
11> After neglecting birth control, you discover that you are
"with zorbat."
10> Replicates crop circles while mowing the lawn.
9> Recently signed up for MCI's Intergalactic Friends &
Family plan.
8> Suggests using Brillo pad as marital aid.
7> Keeps referring to you as "ol' two eyes."
6> Laughs hysterically at Jerry Lewis movies, yet doesn't
like escargot.
5> E-mail address: ET@alpha.centauri
4> Sometimes adds levitation to that old "pull my finger" gag.
3> Always salutes a flushing toilet.
2> Nothing but fiberglass and beer in the fridge.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Spouse is an Alien...
1> Breast-feeds the triplets... simultaneously.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 15:43:31 -0400
From: Paul Thublin <paul@issl.atl.hp.com>
Subject: I'm so glad you're not calling me about a bug.
To: "Dr. Kurt Stirewalt" <stire@cps.msu.edu>, "Miles O'Neal" <meo@netads.com>, Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Microsofties unable to follow directions
By Skinny DuBaud
September 10, 1998
[...]
Microserfs apparently have taken to airing their complaints in more
anonymous forums, such as the nationally syndicated sex advice column by
Seattle-based Dan Savage. In this week's installment, Savage suggests that
the world's most potent software company may be having an adverse affect on
the, er, extracurricular activities of its staff.
In honor of the Net posting of the Starr report, I have decided to
reproduce the letter in question, with only minor expurgations:
"I'm probably clinically depressed," writes the advice seeker. "I probably
need counseling and a s#!+load of pills, but I wanna be pure and in my
right mind for work. (I work at the world's largest a$$h*!@ software
company.) I don't want any mental side effects. Too much is depending on my
work. My other problem: My sex drive is gone. It disappeared when I started
working at this place. I've been with the same woman for a couple of years,
and we've had sex 3 or 4 times in the last 12 months. She says she's ready
to hump me in my sleep, or the dog, the furniture, anything."
The writer goes on to describe a gruesome medical problem and signs his
letter "Microsofty."
"There's something I'm curious about," Savage says in his reply. "Does
working at Microsoft destroy people's sex drives? I get two or three
letters like yours every week: Microsoft guys who can't get it up,
Microsoft girls who've lost all interest. What is up? I'd love to hear from
Microsoft employees: What is it about working there that ruins your sex
lives? And I'd love to hear from people dating Microsoft employees: Do you
ever get laid?"
At this point, there's little to do but wait (with bated breath) to hear
results of the Savage sex probe of the software giant. But in the meantime,
I gave the advice columnist a call and asked if it were really true: Does
he really get that much mail from Microsofties?
"Not everyone I get mail from identifies where they work," Savage said.
"But I've noticed a pattern of people sending me notes from Microsoft, and
the top problems seem to be lack of interest in sex or inability to get it
on, and complaining that depression is the cause.
"I've gotten a few hundred of these," the sex sage added, "and always it's
a similar complaint."
A Microsoft spokeswoman declined to comment on the matter, but she did say
"I'm so glad you're not calling me about a bug."
Savage attributed the high concentration of Microsofty letters to the
firm's famous culture of achievement. "It's that workaholic geek life, that
all-for-the-company, cultish thing where they continually put more and more
on your plate until they've shoved everything else out of your life.
"It starts out OK," he elaborated, "but then more and more creeps in until
you're working those 16-hour days. That's not good for your life--your
emotional life, your relationship life, your sex life. It's good for your
moneymaking life."
What advice does Savage have for these overachieving but underperforming
employees?
"For Christ's sake, quit if you think it's your job!" he yelped. "It's not
like those kinds of jobs are hard to come by, and there are places less
psychotic than Microsoft to work. But some of my friends who work there are
millionaires now, so what do I know? They have great apartments and you
never see them in the daylight."
Savage said he's never gotten a letter from someone at Netscape.
Something about this whole business gives me a feeling of deja vu, and now
I remember why. It wasn't so long ago that we reported a curious feature of
the thesaurus in Microsoft Word. Type "unable to follow directions,"
highlight the entire sentence (minus punctuation), and hit Shift-F7. Is the
word processor the confessional of the '90s?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1998 00:51:01 GMT
From: bertha@mhn.org (That Funky Chick)
Subject: Insert witty title here.
To: yucks@cs.purdue.edu
[I threw out the joke but kept the signature -- I liked it better! --spaf]
I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, "You
don't look sick." So I threw up on him. I can pretty much go home
whenever I want now. -- R.M. Weiner <http://members.aol.com/tbwih>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1998 08:48:30 EST
From: "Gerry White" <gawhite@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu>
Subject: Is there any end to the Clinton/Lewinsky jokes...
To: yucks
A man walks into a T-Shirt store and on the walls there where three
t-shirts on display for sale.
The first row had the picture of Richard Nixon with a thin white
mustache and below the picture it was titled: GOT MILK
The second row of shirts were the picture of Ronald Reagan with the
white mustache and it was titled: FORGOT MILK
And the third was of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache and under
her it was titled: NOT MILK
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 19:59:38 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Low Watt Brains
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
NOT EXACTLY THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST
Here are some more of those statements that have been found on
evaluation reports of employees.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One-celled organisms out-score him in IQ tests.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Donated his body to science ... before he was done using it.
A room-temperature IQ.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
During evolution, his ancestors were in the control group.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch "60 Minutes."
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Roy Thompson
Terry Marchal <gazterry@aol.com>
Charleston Gazette <http://www.wvgazette.com/Columns/Terry.html>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
A few beers short of a six pack.
A few peas short of a casserole.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Guffaws List <plytle@coil.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
APT DESCRIPTIONS FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature IQ.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A prime candidate for natural de-selection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
Donated his body to scientists... Before he was done using it.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Fell out of the family tree.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
It's hard to believe that he beat 100,000 other sperm.
One neuron short of a synapse.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Takes him 1.5 hours to watch "60 Minutes."
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 08:46:03 GMT
From: DIVX 2000 <divxscam@hotmail.com>
Subject: Microsoft DIVX 2000
Newsgroups: ba.market.misc
Microsoft 2000 software is now shipping.
This software will run everything that Windows 95 and Windows 98
can run plus it is enhanced with a special network card in the
software box. This new enhanced version of Windows 98 will cost
about $199 for the upgrade, just over $100 more than the
Windows 98 upgrade. Heres what you get.....
1) Convience: After installing this special network card into
your computer Microsoft needs you to set up an acct. with them
before you can start to use this product. Please check out our
75 page account agreement before you continue.
2) Easy: Microsoft then will mail you a special box with a
celluar phone connected so that Microsoft can be notified when
you use it's programs.
3) Fun: Microsoft will be able to monitor your usage of
Windows 2000 at any time 24 hours a day from Microsoft central.
4) Quality: Microsoft Windows 2000 was made with over 120,000
lines of encrypted code that is so good that the Government doesn't
even know what it is for. We can serve you better this way.
5) Flexibility: Windows 2000 programs that are created by Microsoft
can be used on a Windows 2000 machine but not with Windows 98 or before.
See Windows 2000 programs are specially encrypted that if you don't have
our special network card installed our programs won't work. And if you
unplug our special external box and cellular attachment at any time
Windows 2000 will erase itself and cause damage to your system.
6) Availability: We have spent over $2.6 billion dollars to force the
competition to write their software with our special code to make it
easier for you to get the titles you want when you need them. We will
sell you our software for only $5 with an exclusive right to use it for
(1) whole day.
7) Freedom: With Windows 2000 you have the freedom to take our disc
that cost you $5 and throw it away once you have used Word 2000 one time.
Isn't that great. Other companies make you install and keep your discs.
With all Windows 2000 software you don't have to.
8) Benefits: How many times did you install a software program you spent
$25 dollars for and only use it once. Sucks huh. With all Windows 2000
software you pay per use. Our discs cost only $5 and it only cost you $4
per usage. Now compare that with software titles that cost you $30.
($5 or $30 what would you rather pay?) If you need to reboot that will
count as one usage.
9) Rights: Windows 2000 will monitor what programs and report it back
to Microsoft. Microsoft reserves the right to post the titles you use and
when you use it but we promise not to sell your info to anyone for a while.
10) No late fees: You can own any game on the market for only $5 and
you can start to build your software collection library today. And these
are not rentals you actually own the CDs so there are no late fees or
restocking fees.
11) Basic Windows: Since Microsofts has our special box and network card,
Windows 2000 is enhanced. Basic Windows will never be able to use
Windows 2000 software nor with the hardware you already own work with it.
Early computer adoptors may not be happy with us, but all Windows 2000
wants is 99% of the market. We realize that Windows 2000 is not for
everyone.
12) Toll-Free: We have set up a toll free number to help you understand
this process you must undertake. (888) NO-CHOICE Call it as often as
you want but remember blocking your number doesn't work with (888) numbers
so we know who you are.
13) Everywhere: Windows 2000 titles will be soon sold everywhere ...
bars, schools, McDonalds, you name it.
14) Options: Windows 2000 special box with have an optional camera
add on feature. Look for it in the future.
**Disclaimer: This is fiction and Microsoft has no such product. (yet)
Microsoft is good. (because they say so...)
Everything above is for entertainment use only.
All names have nothing to do with real companies.***
[My readers at Microsoft wonder why I publish so many MS jokes. Well, it's
because that's what people keep sending me. For some reason, we don't see
a lot of Linux or MacOS jokes. If you have any, please send them on to me.
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Alex@snew.com
Public media should not contain explicit or implied descriptions of sex
acts. Our society should be purged of the perverts who provide the media
with pornographic material while pretending it has some redeeming social
value under the public's 'right to know'.
-- Kenneth Starr, 1987, "Sixty Minutes"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 98 12:59:51 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: QOTD - 9/23/98, Alfred North Whitehead
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "Jack D. Doyle" <doylej@PEAK.ORG>
Forwarded-by: Kevin Johnsrude <kevinj@roguewave.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it."
- Alfred North Whitehead
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Quote for the day
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Evan Marcus <evan@carroll.com>
Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on
earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't.
-- Chuck Bonner
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 18:23:48 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Rememberances from the Dark Corner (Pun)
To: kegel@fea.net
[Copyrighted story removed at the request of its original author,
M Blaze Miskulin.]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1998 20:37:16 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Self-Help Books (Warning: Contains Four-Letter Words)
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
TOP LEAST POPULAR SELF-HELP BOOKS
"Chicken Soup for Pedophiles"
"Men are From Mars, Pictures of Women with Big Breasts Are in This Book"
""If It Doesn't Fit, You Must Eat Shit" -- The Johnny Cochran Tough-Love
Diet Book"
"The My Lips on Oprah Winfreys' Butt Puckering Noisily Book"
"I'm Okay -- You're Starting to Get on My Nerves Bigtime"
"Life's Little Complicated-As-Hell Instruction Book (Solutions Sold
Separately)"
"Everything I Really Need to Know, I Got Browbeated Into Me at San
Quentin"
"The Seven Cold Sores of Highly Infected People"
"I, Robot -- The Al Gore Story"
"How to Win Friends and Influence [for the] People's [Republic of
China]"
Copyright Jim Rosenberg
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 20:19:58 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Subscriber Contributions, 1 of 4
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
COMPARE THESE OTHER PROFESSIONALS TO ENGINEERS
==============================================
DOCTORS
-------
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your
relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with
some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is
pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids
to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband.
He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet
another woman in his profession.
LAWYER
------
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone
who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your
Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie
convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the
divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN
--------
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade
shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy
individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up
on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at
will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go
home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER,
FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
-------------------------------------
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be
crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your
sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is
losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long.
This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice
that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember
you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp,
and when you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?" he'll honestly be
able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER
-------
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be
surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in
jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
Jennifer L West <jlwest007@juno.com>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 20:20:59 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Subscriber Contributions, 2 of 4
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU WILL NEVER SEE
"You Were an Accident"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer ... Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Strangers have the best Candy"
The Russells <rdr@wave.co.nz>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Who Says You Can't Beat a Dead Horse?
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often
try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this
horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster, and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Janet Hedrick <janeth@gsadler.com>
Robert P Hedrick <roberthedrick@juno.com>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 10 Aug 1998 20:23:34 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Subscriber Contributions, 4 of 4
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
BLONDE JOKE #1
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the
playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've
kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your
kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the
pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt
and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the
pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note
that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
*****
BLONDE JOKE #2
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "So, we were the
first on the Moon!" The Blonde said, "So what! We're going to be first
on the Sun!" The Russian and American looked at each other and shook
their heads. "You can't land on the Sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!"
said the Russian. To which the blonde replied, "We're not stupid! you
know. We're going at night!
*****
BLONDE JOKE #3
A Blonde buys a ticket and wins the lottery. She goes to Phoenix to
claim it and the man verifies her ticket number. The Blonde says, "I
want my $20 million."
The man replies, "No, Ma'am. It doesn't work that way. We give you a
million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19
years."
The Blonde says, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and
I want it."
Again, the man explains that she can only have a million that day and
the rest during the next 19 years.
The Blonde, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money!
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my
dollar back!"
Michele <tazzzgyrl@yahoo.com>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 21 Sep 1998 12:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: The memo we never saw.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
Federal Bureau of Investigation
Crime Lab 2A-3356N
Washington D.C.
Subject: DNA Test Results for Clinton, William Jefferson.
Dear Judge Starr,
The test on the dress stain came back, but unfortunately the results
are inconclusive. Apparently, everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Best Regards,
FBI Crime Lab
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Them vs. US
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: "Per Hammer" <phammer@raleigh.ibm.com>
Forwarded-by: Tony Printezis <printezi@East.Sun.COM>
In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese
explained three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:
1. They speak English.
2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.
3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go
down on one knee.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 23 Sep 1998 17:55:34 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Thursday, September 24, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
Famous Dog Quotes
-----------------------
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the
hydrant." -- Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about
puppies." -- Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead." -- Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go
with you in the car, in case the need should arise for
them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
-- Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best
friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the
constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why
you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend
their lives." -- Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards
who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room
furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold
his own in the conversation." -- Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean,
here we come back from a grocery store with the
most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members
of a weird religious cult." -- Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo
is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog
money." -- Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that
certain dogs I have known will go to heaven,
and very, very few persons." -- James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness
when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as
conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used
to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's
importance, everyone should have a dog that
will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice,
puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy
licking your face." -- Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has
a problem." -- Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it
won't buy the wag of his tail." -- Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of
your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself." -- Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the
average person." -- Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender,
your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last
beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy
of such devotion."
-- Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him
prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the
principal difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually
unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing
look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that
basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-- John Steinbeck
Arf Arf
submitted by... Paul Nolte
[My favorite dog quote, other than the Groucho Marx quote up above, is
a lyric in a Martin Mull song: "In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man."
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 4:23:9
From: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Subject: Top5 - 9/22/98 - New Wonder Drugs
To: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
Although he lives in Washington DC, today's guest moderator,
Lloyd Jacobson, is a not above punching below the "Beltway."
Lloyd's humor writing skills are available for weddings,
bar-mitzvahs, and the occasional Independent Counsel's Report.
September 22, 1998
The Top 13 New Wonder Drugs
13> Monicquil -- The against-the-wall, under-the-desk,
in-the-bathroom, with-a-cigar, grabbing-in-public,
with-the-wife-away so you can lie medicine.
12> Sosaloft -- Cures depression, helps you get back into the
game.
11> TetrisCyclin -- A treatment for video game addiction.
10> Pubepicia -- Hair-growing drug for your crotch.
9> Lilithium -- Gives you the dreamy, starry-eyed frame of
mind of a female folk singer.
8> Sodium Pentagon -- Inhibits lying by U.S. military defense
contractors.
7> Methadome -- Synthetic substitute designed to wean men
from Rogaine.
6> Tripp-tophan -- The laxative that's guaranteed to make the
shit hit the fan.
5> PhenylBarbieDoll -- Causes pubescent girls to sprout legs
like a giraffe and enormous perky breasts.
4> Elton John's Wort -- Helps maintain one's sense of well-
being even while obliterating one's sense of fashion.
3> Cohiba -- The women's suppository.
2> Viagrogaine -- Makes your hair like Don King's.
and Top5's Number 1 New Wonder Drug...
1> Phuquitol -- The all-natural stress reliever whose name
says all.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1998 12:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Ummm. Well. Yes.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: johnny99@sydney.dialix.oz.au (John Horner)
Two computer people discussing those old stories about Bill Gates' name
adding up to 666 in ASCII:
"I hear that if you play the NT 4.0 CD backwards, you get a Satanic
message!"
"That's nothing. If you play it forward, it installs NT 4.0!"
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 09 Aug 1998 22:18:12 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Viagra (Risque Topic!)
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
From: Rob Carl
The makers of Viagra have announced a plan to use proceeds from the sale
of Viagra to finance the development of a pill for women that will make
elderly men desirable.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the
first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked
on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard have warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of
hardened criminals.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------