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Yucks Digest V8 #5
Yucks Digest Mon, 14 Sep 98 Volume 8 : Issue 5
Today's Topics:
!!! GET FUSION FUEL FAST !!!
Academicians
A Close Shave?
All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
Camping Tips
CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles
Guffaws #324
Guffaws #326
Insert a witty subject line here.
Kentucky
Mort Bernstein: Giggles from Cap K
Movie Marquee
Nothin' But Ruminations
QOTD
Remembering the Hollywood Squares
Ruminations
She was just too special.
Small Town Life
Sounds like sheer prejudice to me.
The joy of Engine-Top cooking
The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
Three via JPAnderson
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 98 11:31:43 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: !!! GET FUSION FUEL FAST !!!
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Jim Propp <propp@math.mit.edu>
Forwarded-by: Ann Daniels <Agdaniels@aol.com>
Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission
from outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:
! GET FUSION FUEL FAST ! THIS REALLY WORKS!
Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five star systems
listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the list, delete
the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message to 100
other solar systems.
If you follow these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation
you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your
civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 21:10:46 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Academicians
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
SANTA AT COLLEGE
Last night, for some reason I was thinking about Santa Claus and I had
an incredible realization.
Consider the following:
* You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
* Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
* Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do
all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the
work.
* Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
* Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
The Lighter Side <http://members.tripod.com/~scrappy_007/intro.html>
[In my case, don't forget the beard, the tummy like a bowl full of
jelly, and the fondness for Christmas cookies! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 98 16:27:18 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: A Close Shave?
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Bob Stein <squeeze@voicenet.com>
Forwarded-by: Pianotek@aol.com
A man goes to the barber shop for a shave. While the barber is
lathering him up, he mentions the difficulty he has been having getting a
close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball
from a nearby drawer, "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The man places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds to give
him the closest shave he has ever experienced. As the barber is finishing
up, the man asks awkwardly, "But what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like
everyone else does."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Geoffrey S. Knauth" <gknauth@bbn.com>
Forwarded-by: Tom Schuneman <elf@wavemark.com>
> From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell
> Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In
the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
(Bill Flavin, Alexandria)
First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that
stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller
skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right
you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which
we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use
our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to
the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which
didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill
you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real
pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the
creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
(Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver
Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all
excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy
moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work,
time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around
and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a
comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every
day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with
potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all
as strong as
GKK-GAAK
Urrgh.
Thud.
(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do
addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers
amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our
own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did.
(Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the
sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the
back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback
barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope
you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 98 23:53:18 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Camping Tips
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: GCFL <gcfl-info@gcfl.net>
Forwarded-by: GCFL <gcfl.net!gcfl-info@metron.com>
SOME CAMPING TIPS
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep
the campsites on either side vacant.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from
navel before applying the match.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is OK to
go into the woods alone.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing
on a pile of dry sticks.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a
snoring tent mate.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 98 01:34:09 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: CONGRESS PASSES AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: hsage@ix.netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Joan Walton <jcwalton@one.net>
WASHINGTON, DC--On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No
Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and
protection for morethan 135 million talentless Americans.
The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after its passage, is
being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of US
citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not
possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves
in society," said Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. Their lives are futile
hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork: Xeroxing
documents written by others, filling in mail-in rebates for Black & Decker
toaster ovens, and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see.
Sadly, for these millions of non-abled Americans, the American dream of
working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million
important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the
white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory
sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and
promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire non-abled
workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for
every two talented new hires.
Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new
measures to prevent discrimination against the non-abled by banning
prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What
can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills
that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with
co-workers who have something going for them," said Elaine Gertz, who lost
her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Cleveland tile wholesaler
last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should
really help people like me."
With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions
of other untalented, nonessential citizens can finally see a light at the
end of the tunnel. Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as
human beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his
or her of value to society, some sort of space to take up in this great
nation. "
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 1998 21:37:34 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles
To: mari schupp <mschupp@aol.com>
From: "sherry" <sh3rry@peganet.com>
A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,
"T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
====================================================
A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement
for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses
for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in
the
student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back of the
classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual
exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students
finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising
look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other
hand".
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball,
and seeing no one around to whom it might belong, he slipped it in to the
pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting
for the lights to change.
A blonde, standing next to him, eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the blonde
sympathetically, "that must be painful....I had tennis elbow once."
======================================
HOW TO TELL WHEN YOUR FOOD IS SPOILED
Whether you are a mom who cooks for many, a bachelor who
cooks on rare occasions for himself, or a new college
student who for the first time has his or her own refrigerator
-- you will eventually all open the fridge one day and say to
yourself,"Can I eat this or will it kill me?
Well here are some guidelines to help you get through the
crisis, so you will know what to eat and what to toss.
THE GAG TEST
------------
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for
leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
----
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell,
the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
---------------
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt
is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese.
Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled
milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is
already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is
blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
-----------
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the
mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
-------------
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the
defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will
probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time
you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
----------------
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw
away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on
groceries.Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in
your kitchen.
MEAT
----
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals
from a three-block radius to congregate outside your
house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
-----
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially
acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of
any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green
growth areas are a good indication that your bread has
turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
-----
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
LETTUCE
-------
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the
bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine
lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. (We didn't think
you needed guidance with this one)
CANNED GOODS
--------------
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
-------
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
--------
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
--------
If it looks like it is ready for planting, toss it.
CHIP DIP
--------
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on
the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
-----------------
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an
old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or
have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
--------------
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to
discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally
speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you
open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
-----------------------
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life
span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your
refrigerator to gauge this.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 00:27:42 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #324
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
This issue goes out to all those techies...
Pete
Top 20 Phone Tech Support No-No's
20. Try to sell home-made LSD to caller.
19. "Still not used to this whole electricity thing, huh?"
18. Proclaim your undying love.
17. Advise the customer to lick the power supply.
16. "So,what are you wearing?"
15. Constantly refer to caller as "Pumpkin".
14. As you look up a part number, whistle loudly in a monotone.
13. "You've got to be kidding."
12. "What you do is get yourself 50 cents and go and buy a clue."
11. Use baby talk.
10. "I don't get paid enough to deal with jerks like you."
9. Ridicule the inadequacy of the caller's system.
8. "Yo no hablo ingles."
7. Use metaphors based on your experiences with rabid dogs.
6. Laugh maniacally.
5. Twist the callers words to make it seem as if there is no problem.
4. "You're screwed. You're just screwed."
3. Encourage the caller to pound on the CPU casing.
2. Try to set up caller with your second cousin.
1. "How the hell did you get access to a computer?"
===============================================
Tech Support Diary!
A Week in the Life of the Notes Support Person from Hell
Monday
8:05am
User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. God, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works
for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffeemaker from
the UPS and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it
again. One more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
microsupport.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed
on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access
database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend
so performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason. Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form.
Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call back when
they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible
time with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 pm
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need
form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell
them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such
a database. Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell
her I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital
status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centers for
Disease Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey database. No hits.
Tell her ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned
in last week's "Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to
personally deliver ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not
running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't here over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check in
her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "Bitset," not
"chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
corporate PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift change; Going home.
Thursday
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him
server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with
IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both
monochrome and color.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for
him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
comments. Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy
customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01:
"Whereas all new employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy
all proper aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated
to provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
shift."
Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece
of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and
NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get
to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told
them it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the
Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego
and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with
a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back
two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
to set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I
tell him.
12:00 am
Lunch.
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
document. Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL.
Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
if he's seen corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send
them document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to
go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then
refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them
I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.
4:58 pm
Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not (too)
much.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to have a
good weekend.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 23:05:31 -0400
From: Peter Lytle <plytle@capital.edu>
Subject: Guffaws #326
To: Guffaws <guffaws@mailinglists.org>
The U.S. Army attempts to explain the question: Why did the chicken cross
the road?
Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC): The purpose is to familiarize the
chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed
only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at
least three miles of visibility and a safety observer.
Special Forces Command: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid
prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum
surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using
NVGs (night vision goggles), preferably near a road bend in a valley.
Personnel Command (PERSCOM): Due to the needs of the Army, the chicken
was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a
3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal
assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one
road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its
opportunities for future promotion.
Defense Intelligence Agency (DIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can
neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions?
Please see the SSO.
ARMY FOREIGN TECHNOLOGY CENTER: This event will need confirmation; we
need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather
conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters
specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross
thruways designated by some as 'roads.'
Fort Rucker: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if
road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day
road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during
a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they
observe another chicken cross the road.
Forces Command (FORSCOM): The purpose is not important. What is
important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON (operational
control) of USCINCTRANS (U.S. Commander in Chief, Transportation Command)
and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without
CHOPing the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near
perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.
Theater Air Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the
time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.
COMMAND POST: What chicken?
TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road
incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing
Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read
back all hold short instructions.
ARMY MATERIEL COMMAND (AMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with
today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in
the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with
significant challenges to create and develop core competencies required
for this new environment. STRICOM has been asked to develop a Virtual
Intensive Chicken Trainer Using ADA Language (VICTUALS). Anticipated
fielding of this device will possibly benefit the Army After Next (AAN)
and certainly the NAATNA, (Next Army After The Next Army) initiatives.
AMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's
people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within
a Program Management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse
cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE
consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a
two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal
knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting
enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and
core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the
chicken change to continue meeting its mission.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1998 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Insert a witty subject line here.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: rsr@lab.net
So, there's this guy in a bar, just staring at his drink, not moving a
muscle. Noticing him, a fellow patron, feeling his own liquor, steps up
next to him, takes his drink, and swallows it in one go. Astonished, the
poor man looks up and then bursts into tears. The jokester, not seeing
the reaction he expected, tries to comfort him: "Come on guy, I was just
joking! Here, I'll buy you another drink. Don't cry, I was just kidding..."
"No, no, it's not that... You don't understand! This is the worst
day of my life. I was late to work and I got fired. My car got stolen,
with my wallet and credit cards. I got home early, and found my wife in
bed with my best friend. I come into this bar, trying to work up the
nerve to kill myself, and now you show up and drink my poison!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 20:13:55 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Kentucky
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
DOCUMENTARY
Q: What do they call "Hee Haw" in Oklahoma?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: "Life Styles of the Rich and Famous."
Andychap@aol.com
OtherHumor@mail.otherwhen.com
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 23:11:18 -0500
From: spaf (Gene Spafford)
Subject: Mort Bernstein: Giggles from Cap K
To: the-usual-suspects
Unfortunately, my condition is described by more than one of these...
------- Forwarded Message
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Date: Tue, 25 Aug 1998 16:47:26 -0700
A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS
PARAMEDICS,
EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT
MAJOR HOSPITALS.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the
pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is
presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los
Angeles.
.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in
no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 98 12:16:38 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Movie Marquee
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
From: ErikThor@aol.com
Movie Marquee seen in Juneau, Alaska:
Desperate Parent
Behavior Trap
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 23 Aug 1998 19:11:42 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Nothin' But Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
NOTHIN' BUT RUMINATIONS!
If I ever have a son, I'm going to name him Hitler. He might not like
it at first, but I think when he started dating he'd really appreciate
it. I mean, he'd never have to worry about introducing himself to a
girl and then having nothing to talk about. Also, he'd probably never
be picked last in gym class.
I was throwing a tennis ball against the wall the other day, when I
thought, "Gee, this would be more fun with a kid." But you know, I bet
they really don't bounce as well.
I entered the Failure of the Year competition and came in last. They
gave me the trophy and then took it away.
I bet whenever a cow sees one of those "Got Milk?" commercials, it gets
all smug and walks around with a condescending grin on its face for the
rest of the day.
It was probably really annoying to be the only pirate with a hook for a
hand at parties, because EVERYBODY would be asking you to open their
beer. Although, if you didn't know anyone it would be a good way to
meet people.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker, especially if you're trying to
get drunk.
When you're drunk the floor is your best friend because it's always
there for you.
If someone makes you angry, I think the thing to do is tie them down to
the ground, cover them in honey, and then release a swarm of killer ants
on them. That way, you can hit them over and over again and say, "Hey!
I'm just trying to help!" and they can't really get mad at you.
If my job was to drive a truck full of some highly explosive gas, I
don't think I'd get much work done, because at every parking lot I
passed I'd pull over and run from the truck screaming, "Look out! She's
gonna blow!"
I bet dating when you're a member of an endangered species is much
simpler, because there just aren't that many other guys for the girls to
choose from. Although if you asked a girl out and she said, "Not if you
were the last Thornyeyed Toadstool Sucker on Earth," it would have real
potential to be emotionally crippling.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said, "If I had a nickel for
every time someone said..." well, I guess I'd talk in clichés a lot
more.
If you were a girl with a giant burrito for a body, you'd have to be
careful when boys asked you out, because you'd never know if they were
interested in your personality or if they just wanted to eat you.
Some people like Autumn because all the leaves change colors and
everything looks so pretty. I like it because everything dies.
Before Newton discovered gravity, I bet the belt had a sort of mythic
quality to it. "How the hell do these things keep your pants from
falling down?" "I don't know, man. They just do."
I bet that when the apple landed on Newton's head, "gravity" wasn't his
first guess. First, he probably thought, "My god! The ancient tribe of
crazed apple-throwing Babylonian chimpanzees has finally caught up with
me!" But then after he looked around and didn't find any simians he
thought, "Oh yeah, gravity."
I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, "You
don't look sick." So I threw up on him. I can pretty much go home
whenever I want now.
If I had a hammer, I would hammer in the morning, because the people in
the apartment next door are always blasting their music in the dead of
night and it would be nice to wake them up for a change.
They say there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway, so whenever
I'm there I try to make the world a happier place by smashing as many of
those bastards as I can.
R.M. Weiner <http://members.aol.com/tbwih>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
One thing I don't understand about Johnny Appleseed is what the hell he
did for money unless he was all "Hey, I planted a damn *tree* for you!"
I can't wait for Chris White to die, because, when he does I'm going to
point out that an anagram for his name is: "cherish wit," and all the
Contributors will cry and I might get laid.
If you knew the Top 5 List contributors in real life, you would not only
unsubscribe, you'd get a whole new account and re-format your hard
drive.
With the discovery of water so many places in the universe, there *must*
be life somewhere else because people love water.
I don't think President Clinton is apologizing in alphabetical order,
because "slavery" comes *after* "infidelity."
Guns don't kill people, *pit Bulls* kill people. No, wait ... I always
mess this up...
I don't think passing gas would be as funny if it were just the sound or
just the smell. It's the *combination* that makes it funny.
When my 5-year old nephew says, "I want to be an Doctor when I grow up,"
I tell him about what a rip-off HMO's are, and how they won't cooperate
with my Worker's Comp claim. That usually shuts him up.
When I see something as tender as a mother holding a baby to her breast,
I think to myself, "Man, I wish that damn baby would get out of the
way."
I believe there is a God, and he has a plan that we sometimes can't
understand If that's not true, how do you explain Claudia Schiffer and
David Copperfield!?!?
Sometimes late at night, I'll wake up from a sound sleep, and in the
quiet of the night, my mind becomes clear, and I'll wonder, Why didn't I
remember to buy the *crunchy* Cheetoh's? I *hate* the puffy ones!
To me, *religion* and *spirituality* are very different with *religion*,
you go to Church every Sunday With *spirituality*, you stay home and
watch ESPN's "NFL Gameday."
Some people look at a glass and see it as half empty. Some people look
at a glass and see it as half full. I look and I'm so stinking drunk I
see about nine glasses.
Everyone laughed when I sat down to play at the piano, but I suppose
that's because there was dog crap on the stool.
I remember growing up as a kid. The first thing someone said at dinner
was a prayer to God, and the last thing someone said was usually, "You
are *dead* to me!"
When I was a child, I spake as a child. Now, I am a man, and I curse
like a friggin' sailor.
I think that if Satan ever showed himself, and appeared on Larry King,
Larry would probably call him "one of the good guys" and say he "loved
his work."
Jim Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Margo Seltzer <margo@eecs.harvard.edu>
Hockey is a lot like chess on ice. Or it would be, if the
excitement of chess was based on when the guy with the white
pieces shoves his bishop up the other guy's ass and breaks
his neck with a big wooden stick.
-- Stewart King
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 22 Aug 98 11:34:25 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Remembering the Hollywood Squares
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: Eric Steese <ecscc@olywa.net>
Forwarded-by: Cindy Levy
PETER MARSHALL'S LIST OF FAVORITE ANSWERS FROM "HOLLYWOOD SQUARES"
1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having
babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie
"What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-that's why they asked the question.
3. What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.
4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?
5. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old.
Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
6. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
7. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very
important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
8. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than
drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
9. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
10. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running
toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.
11. You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki.
Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.
12. If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
13. Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.
14. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.
15. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they
do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
16. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
17. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex,
what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 19:59:26 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ruminations
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RUMINATIONS
Once, in elementary school my teacher gave me a gold star. I was so
excited and happy, until I had it appraised... --Nikita Heroux
Blood is thicker than water. Plus, the goldfish don't seem to like it
as much. --Michael Turniansky
I, too, would like to buy the world a Coke, but I haven't got 4 billion
dollars. Plus tax. --Dave Henry
It was a good job, but not a great job. It taught me a lot about how I
want to spend 40 years until retirement. About my values, and what's
important to me. What I want to do with my life. The people I want to
work with. I won't miss it very much, though -- They wanted me to wear
pants every DAY. --Erik Hallberg
I think a good prank might be to find a color-blind bullfighter and
replace his uniform with a bright red one. Of course, if he got gored
by the bull, I guess that wouldn't be too funny. --Paul Paternoster
I was speeding down the freeway when a giant hand reached down from the
sky, picked up my car and put me back to the beginning of the freeway.
I hate it when that happens. --Anna Chin-Williams
Meat may be murder, but spinach is grand theft auto. --Eryk Nielsen
People question why Switzerland always remains neutral in wars. I think
it's because the Swiss realize thse Army Knives would be pretty useless
against heavy artillery. --Paul Paternoster
I used to think that all the king's horses and all the king's men to fix
one guy was a bit excessive. Then I realized they must have had a
really strong union. --Marko Peric
Whoever said, "A stitch in time saves nine," obviously never met my Aunt
Ruth, the obsessive-compulsive seamstress. --Dave Henry
Sometimes, when i write down a word it looks like it's spelled wrong,
even though i know it's not. But then i'll think, "Boy! That would
sure make a funny name for a hurricane!" and i'll laugh and laugh.
--R.M. Weiner
When I compliment my secretary's bottom, I know she thinks it's real
funny. She never says so, and she never smiles or anything, and she
pretends to get really mad, but I know she thinks it's real funny.
--Mark Niebuhr
How come when I drop my cat, it hisses and screeches; but when I drop my
baby brother, he doesn't do anything? --David Gwilliam
You can stay up until the cows come home, but it's awful hard to explain
the cows to your condo association. --Chuck Smith
A tip for the ladies in the audience: "Bite Me!" is not near the insult
your mind believes its going to be. --Michelle Argabrite
You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick
your friend's nose without kidnapping him from work at gunpoint,
blindfolding him, driving to an undisclosed location, and chaining him
to a wall naked. At least, I can't. --Matthew W. Schmeer
You know the movie you're watching is a "chick flick" if you wake up and
your wife is crying. --Rick Oie
When I hold a party I only invite accountants. That way, I know I'll be
the funniest person there. --David Vincent
It's probably not good to use the word "orgasmic" a lot around people
who don't have genitalia. --[name removed by request of author]
I remember one year when I went trick-or-treating with my dad. Some
people thought the Lone Ranger costume was silly, but most people just
thought Dad was too old to be trick-or-treating. --Alan Smithee
I used to think that workaholism and alcoholism were the same thing
until they canned my ass. --Mark Niebuhr
Every day is unique. Each date comes only once and then it's gone.
Which explains why I have to buy a new calendar every damn year.
--Michael McCuiston
I want to buy a catapult and only launch cows from it. The animal
rights people wouldn't like it very much, but I'm not too worried
because I don't think they'd mess with a guy who's got a catapult.
--R.M. Weiner
If everyone knows that video killed the radio star don't you think its
surprising that there's never been a conviction? --Mike Elgin
When I saw a bully picking on a little guy, I wanted to go up to that
jerk and smack him around until he learned that there are people in this
world that will stand up for the little guy. But what I did was laugh
along with everyone else. In fact, I still chuckle when I think about
it today. --Michael McCuiston
Good thing for women I'm not God, because I would probably have taken
that rib from Adam and had me a nice little Garden of Eden barbecue
instead. --Paul Paternoster
Ruminations <top5@gmbweb.com>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: She was just too special.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Adam Shand <larry@alaska.net>
My wife (who may have already mailed you about our current dog -- hair,
very dead lizards, cat feces, cat litter, an entire work glove, etc. --
pardon me if she has) turned me on to your site, and I was instantly
fascinated.
But the real story isn't about our current dog, it's about a dog I had
when I was a teenager. Her name was Cookie (Shelty/Retriever mix), and she
would eat anything. I mean anything. It was my favorite spectator sport,
as there was never anything I could do about it.
I first noticed her habits when I moved back home at the age of 19. My
parents had moved in to a new house, and they had the perfect spot for
shade-tree mechanics. I had the Volkswagen. Enough said.
It turned out that I had to overhaul the transmission one time in the side
yard. My square back was the manual type, and the tranny had gone bad.
Very bad. It overheated due to loss of lubrication. The first thing to do
is remove the wheels and axles. But that leads to fluid loss, so I
captured it all in an oil drain pan so as not to soil my Dad's lawn.
As it happens, I stumbled on what I later learned was a mechanics least
favorite job. The reason is because of the smell. VW trannys then used
whale oil (no kidding), and it didn't really smell that good fresh.
Imagine for a moment how whale grease smells when burned and mixed with
rubber and metal. It smelled like someone had extinguished a road flare in
a jar of mayonnaise and fed it to a cat which later died underneath the
porch in August. I actually vomited upon first waft. I thought the parts
store guy called it "The smell of death" because my transmission had
bought the farm. I was wrong. It very much smelled like death.
Anyway, I went inside to clean up, brush my teeth, and gather up some
courage (in the form of Dad's Budweiser, but don't tell him that...) for
my eventual return to VW From Hell. I went back outside, well fortified,
and was instantly aghast at what I saw. Cookie was _drinking_ the foul
waste oil from my transmission! And not just sniffing and tasting, no. She
was gulping it down. Her mouth, muzzle and chest was covered in bad grease
(Tide, by the way, gets almost any stain out from dog fur). I have never
again seen anything like it.
But it gets better. It happens that I had ground some teeth off a few
gears, and the waste oil was loaded with metal particulates, some quite
large (they didn't all sink to the bottom either, which gives you an idea
of the viscosity of the fluid in question). A few nuts had also made their
way into the mix as well. When the dog was done (there was no way I was
going anywhere near her drinking that stuff), the oil pan was empty,
completely cleaned out. I imagine that there must have been at least 3/4
gallon of it originally.
I absolutely had to watch her progress, as I was afraid that she would get
sick and die. I called the vet, and they were closed until Monday, so
there was little else I could do. Eventually, she passed the liquid, but
not from the orifice traditionally used for fluids.
The normal dog poop acted as a substrate, of sorts, for the oil and metal.
It was hideous. Little shiny, jaggy, sharp bits were sticking out at all
angles. There were a few of the nuts in there as well (but not all of
them, curiously, as I had to pick them out in order to put the car back
together). The entire mass was about 2 feet long and had the consistency
of hot silly putty. And it smelled worse than before. It was a
reddish-black color and stained anything upon contact (which is why I said
that Tide was only good at getting *some* stains out -- she kind of got it
all over her backside when she rubbed it out on the ground trying to rid
herself of it). If there is a Hell, I know exactly what we'll be standing
waist deep in.
The dog had real trouble getting it all out, and hopped around a bit in
the effort. It was very sad, but she suffered no ill effects. I made my
mind up that I was going to watch my waste oil from now on, as I imagined
her drinking motor oil as well (which she later did one time when the
phone rang).
But I forgot to watch where I put other things. Like spark plugs, sockets,
bolts, cotter pins, etc. Anything that could fit into a dog's mouth and
smelled even faintly of grease went into the dog. Just so you know,
carburetor cleaner gets dog excrement off of tools very well, with little
handling required. She ate anything, and I probably spent more time
chasing after my wrenches and picking things out of poop than I did
actually fixing my car.
So it got to be a gambling sport around the house. Dad would clean out the
garage, and me and my brothers would bet on the most likely candidates for
Cookie's lunch. Mom would set things on the back porch, and waited to see
what got eaten. She ate pink fiberglass insulation. She ate charcoal
briquettes, car keys, hoses, rake handles, canteens, and tent poles
(although she chewed on most of the stuff, the end result was the same).
She even ate a heat lamp once. Yeah, you know those kind that they have at
McDonald's to keep the food warm? I don't know why we had a box full of
those, but we did. We moved them onto the back porch one time, and one
must have fallen out of the box. Cookie actually *bit down* on one of the
bulbs (they were loose bulbs packed much like normal light bulbs) and
started eating. I swear it. The only thing that kept her from getting
severely cut was the cardboard packing. But it did come out as a glassy,
slightly bloody mess and poor Cookie was in obvious pain. She never did
learn, though, although she seemed to be fairly smart in other respects.
The dog was insatiable, and we had the joy of seeing the aftermath when we
scooped before mowing. Sometimes, you had to call the others out to see a
particularly interesting bit. Some things defied explanation. It was sort
of like being an airplane crash investigator.
As another added bonus, the dog got blamed for anything missing. Ever.
"Cookie ate it, Mom" was a very real and legally binding excuse. She even
ate my brother's homework once. I sure miss that dog sometimes.
-Bill
P.S. I know that I have no way to prove any of this, but I will swear
until my grave that the events described here are completely factual.
There is know way I could ever make up a dog like Cookie. She was just too
special.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 20:11:14 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Small Town Life
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
YOU MIGHT BE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF ...
1. You can name everyone you graduated with
2. You get a whiff of manure and think of home
3. You know what 4-H is
4. You ever went to "headlight parties"
5. You used to drag "main"
6. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour
7. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police
officers, since you know which ones will bust you and which ones won't
8. You ever went cow-tipping
9. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the
'buyer' for all of the best parties
10. You have parties at the same guy's house
12. School gets canceled for state sporting events
13. The town social events are their children's
14. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how
old you were (and, if you were old enough, they'd tell your parents,
anyhow)
15. When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy smokes,
you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke
them
16. Social acceptance in town depended on the approval of the five old
(but rich) hags that met each morning at the donut shop for the latest
smut
17. You were ever in the Homecoming parade
18. You have ever gone home for Homecoming
19. You fix up to go buy milk lest anyone starts the rumor that you have
gained weight or quit taking care of yourself
20. No place sells gas on Sunday
21. Friday nights fun consisted of standing in line for the one screen
theater and since it was sold out, watching truckers and drinking coffee
at the truck stop (the only place open after 10)
22. You have to drive an hour to buy a pair of socks
23. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town
24. You have ever gone for a walk in the cemetery, on a date
25. You ordered your wardrobe out of a catalog
26. You had senior skip day
27. The whole school went to the same party after graduation
28. The only 'clique' that nobody would be nice to was the skurves
across the street
30. You don't give directions by street names or house numbers, but you
give directions by references (turn by Armstrongs' Liquor, go two blocks
past Andersons', and it's four houses left of the track field)
[Sounds like Lafayette. --spaf]
Ms Kitty <mskitty@katscratch.com>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 19 Aug 1998 14:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Sounds like sheer prejudice to me.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: eastham@netapp.com (Paul Eastham)
>From American Airlines. Gotta wonder what ferrets do to make them
unacceptable for air travel. And I'll pass on sitting below a
carry-on miniature horse stowed in an overhead bin, thank you very
much...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Types of pets accepted:
On domestic flights, Dogs, Cats, Household Birds and Pot-Bellied Pigs are
accepted, within the 48 contiguous states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin
Islands only.
Pot-bellied pigs are not accepted as carry-on baggage.
Ferrets are not accepted as carry-on or checked baggage.
Miniature horses are not accepted as checked baggage.
All other types of pets and unaccompanied pets must be shipped via Air
Cargo or Priority Parcel. Call for rates and rules: 800-227-4622.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 98 14:47:22 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The joy of Engine-Top cooking
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
From: Dan Bornstein <danfuzz@milk.com>
Andrew A Gill writes:
><http://www.usatoday.com/life/enter/books/b623.htm>
...which is a review, sort of, of the new edition of _Manifold Destiny: The
One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine!_. I own the first
edition of the book and have followed its guidelines on a number of
occasions, although I've tended toward the simpler side of things--steak
and potatoes; tofu and mixed veggies; and the like. Anyway, it's great fun
and an excellent source of amusement, anecdotes, and, of course, tasty food!
My best experience was the first time I tried it. I stuck the food--
marinated steak (Fred Steak for those of you in the know) and some
veggies--on the engine in Sausalito (CA) for a trip to Eureka for the annual
Kinetic Sculpture Races. Several hours later, the food on the engine not
really at the forefront of my mind, we pulled up to the camp site and had
to get out to register. I immediately noticed a wonderfully tasty smell and
wished I could get some of "their" barbeque; then I realized it was coming
from under my hood. It was a good dinner.
When I was recently shopping for a new car, one of the things I always did
was look under the hood to see how well-suited the engine compartment was
for manifold cookery. The best by far that I saw was the Toyota RAV4, whose
engine compartment looks like it was laid out explicitly to make engine-top
cooking easier.
-dan
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Date: Mon, 14 Sep 98 11:58:03 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
List-Subscribe: <mailto:subscribe-top5@lists.lyris.net>
================================================================
T H E T O P F I V E L I S T
To Mom & Dad Starr, without whom none of this would be possible.
================================================================
Today's guest moderator is Cristoforo White, currently
in Rome, who decided that (in true American fashion) when
your President is in trouble, you can't just stand there --
you have to jump in with everybody else and make fun of him.
The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
13> Chapter 7 -- "Lewinsky" Becomes a Verb
12> Chapter 51 -- A Few Other Things I Can't Prove but Wish
Were True, So I Leaked Them
11> Chapter 4 -- Pilferage of Pens, Post-Its, and Other
Government Property by the First Family
10> Conclusion -- Why I, Kenneth Starr, Should Be Your New God
9> Chapter 22 -- Wherein Our Hero, Overwhelmed by the Duties
of Office and Beset on All Sides by the Forces of Evil,
Looks About Him and Decides, "This Would Be a Good Time
for a Little Oral Sex."
8> Chapter 1 -- Liar, Liar, Career on Fire
7> Chapter 23 -- The CLUE Conspiracy: Miss Lewinsky, in
the Oval Office, with the Cigar
6> Chapter 6 -- With All Due Respect Mr. President, Why the
Fat Chick?
5> Chapter 39 -- So Who's Screwing Who Now, Huh, Mr. Bigshot?
4> Chapter 28 -- Other Things the President Did While Getting
A Hummer
3> Conclusion -- "Hey Ken Starr, you've spent millions of tax
dollars of the years preparing your report for Congress.
Now what are you going to do?" "I'm going to Disney World
to investigate those rumors about Minnie Mouse and Goofy."
2> Appendix -- Links To Other Hot XXX Sites on the Internet
and Top5's Number 1 Chapter In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"...
1> Chapter 8 -- $40 Million, Same As In Town
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1998 17:51:59 PDT
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Three via JPAnderson
To: spaf
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior
high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the
principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the
elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in,
and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me
listen to it. The other day, her radio fell and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
======================================================
A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they
passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman
with a heavy Pakistani accent call to them in English, "You,
foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in. The Pakistani said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you will be interested in. They
make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after
what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need
them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How
could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani replied, "Just try them on."
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally
conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet,
he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in
many years -- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw
him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time
the Pakistani man was screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!".
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------