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Yucks Digest V8 #6
Yucks Digest Sat, 19 Sep 98 Volume 8 : Issue 6
Today's Topics:
... assume the flying Superman position.
Airline Travel
A little culture ...
But it's not the most economical way to do it.
Dating
Does this apply to anybody that we know?
Duck Hunting
Evil Cult Etiquette 101
fun city
Here's hoping all *your* wishes come true!
I'm going back to working on cars
JOTD
Latin
man bashing again...
New Alcohol Warnings.
QOTD
religions for the 21st C
SCREAM OF THE CROP
Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum.
Spam O' The Day: "Works Through Walls".
The Pill
The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
Too many of these apply to my life...
Via Cap K.
Wayward Wives (A Little Risque)
What to do about dead husbands and cats.
Wisdom Teeth -- The Cameron Column # 73
woman bashing...
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: ... assume the flying Superman position.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom
that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do
that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming
for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just
start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that
men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom
stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at
the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the
roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe.
I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.
After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man standing up. I am required to sit down
and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay.
Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and
either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the
toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill
me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but
because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm
a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a
real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the
dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two
things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could
cut diamonds with it.
Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend,
and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim
you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that
damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the
toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat
covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that
means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the
other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in
here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat
with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress
that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to
pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without
warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack
off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a
fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this
morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend.
She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the
time."
OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well
it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging
on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and
you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start
to pee the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the
toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of
your knees and it runs down the back of our legs onto that damn
matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front
of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal
with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman
position laying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of
practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the
only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first
morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to
blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it
was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!
[I'd comment, but I suddenly remember I have to go clean some
wallpaper. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1998 20:27:16 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Airline Travel
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
BASIC POINTERS FOR AIRLINE TRAVEL
(or, "How To Be Less Of An Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While
Traveling")
By Vince Sabio
1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the
overhead compartment.
2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control,
then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.
3. Stewardesses do not have ESP: Learn the proper use of the CALL
button.
4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right
into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading
that column.
5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on typing
disparaging comments about you.
6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily
sedated; (2) checked baggage.
7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in
First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.
8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all
know you got there on an upgrade.
9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate a
tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's
fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out
his contacts when stowing the table.
10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.
11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but
here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the
week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental deployment
of the air bags during flight.
12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at
least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?
13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat
directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you
INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your
briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, then expect to
retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination.(*) <g> And yes, it
will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting
flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.
14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or
on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you
started with.
Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All
Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post "Basic
Pointers For Airline Travel," provided that the by-line (above) and this
copyright statement are included.
(*) Yes, I actually did this once -- and our Assistant Moderator can
verify it, as she was sitting next to me at the time.
HumourNet Communications, Ltd. <http://www.humournet.com/HumourNet/>
Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 13:26:42 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (Jeff Offutt)
Subject: A little culture ...
To: spaf
>Subject: (fwd) A little culture...
>Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Cultural differences explained:
Ausssies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they played them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
the anthem.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present
citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Canadian.
Aussies: Wollow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old
ways.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great commedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humor.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: But it's not the most economical way to do it.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
Excerpted from a micro-interview with Franklin Graham, one of Billy
Graham's sons, in the July 12 *New York Times* magazine:
Q: You've walked on the wild side in your day. You were expelled from
college, partied too much. There's even a story that you once chopped
down a neighbor's tree with a machine gun. What's that feel like?
A: Oh, it's fun. But it's not the most economical way to do it. It took
720 rounds and each round was about 20 cents apiece. You could buy a good
chain saw for that.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 19:10:18 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Dating
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO SAY TO PARENTS WHEN PICKING UP A DATE
10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOP 10 REASONS WOMEN DATE JERKS INSTEAD OF NICE GUYS
10. More fun to complain about them to your friends.
9. Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting.
8. When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why not
save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7. You won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in
control.
6. All the other women want them, so they must be worth having.
5. Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally
give it.
4. Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of
lovemaking skills most of the time.
3. No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them.
2. Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're doing
instead of getting mad about it six months later.
1. Looking for someone you can't trust, and won't care about too much,
who will abuse you mentally and financially, but you don't know any
lawyers.
Jolly <joke@cheerful.com> [alt.humor]
[Well, there has to be *some* reason for this behavior! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Does this apply to anybody that we know?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
You are a wooden board. Intel is a threaded fastener.
Microsoft is a tool that drives threaded fasteners
into wooden boards. Are you getting the picture yet?
-- The Hard Edge, Alice Hill and Bill O'Brien,
Computer Shopper, September 1998, p 448.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 23:37:40 +0600
From: "Don Fasig" <phase3@gate.net>
Subject: Duck Hunting
To: Jokers@osage.gate.net, Select.Jokers@osage.gate.net
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a
general practice (GP) physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a
surgeon and a pathologist.
After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the
GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a
duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of
course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in
the sky thereafter.
This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was
unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have
babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the
creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-
eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his
intended prey's identity.
"Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate
bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon
pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and
turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a
duck, will you?"
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 98 12:29:41 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Evil Cult Etiquette 101
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: hsage@ix.netcom.com
Forwarded-by: Joan Walton <jcwalton@one.net>
Tips For Evil Cult Members:
* Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
* Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and
ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into
the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or
mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
* Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your
deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public.
Flash cards are often helpful.
* Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the
survival rate of the other people who have undergone the procedure.
* Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually employ
an unpleasant retirement procedure.
* Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
strongly enough.
* Pastel coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct
sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
* Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
* When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged
demons always go for the pompous.
* When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this
simple safety tip.
* During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
considered "bad form."
* Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the
ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the
gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering
monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a
good, hot bath.
* For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available,
the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen
chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted
from Spam is unacceptable.
* Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and innocent
(and tend to turn out to be the hero's girlfriend), see if you can
substitute mass murderers, lawyers, viola players, politicians, nightclub
owners, or any other people who won't be missed.
[I hope bearded professors aren't in that list! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 13:26:00 -0700
From: Fred Clegg <Fred_Clegg@mentorg.com>
Subject: fun city
To: spaf
Two women were talking about their lives since they had become
Nursing Home residents. They both agreed that life was good
but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her
sex life had really died out since she and her husband had
come to the nursing home. The other woman said that her sex
life was great!
"The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when
my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on
the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out
and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the
rest of the night!"
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!"
When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that
night, shetakes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle,
she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has
the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing
this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move. It's
not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom.
With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells
"For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in,
you look like an asshole!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Here's hoping all *your* wishes come true!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: CSH Little <cshl@compuserve.com>
Forwarded-by: George Schwend <schwend@healthcare.com>
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state
trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick,
the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks! him in the head
with the stick. The driver yells, "Why'd you do that!?!?
The trooper says, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll
have your license ready."
Driver apologizes, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives
the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps
on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and smack! the trooper
nails him with the nightstick. The passenger grabs his face and yells
out, "What'd you do that for!??"
"Just making your wishes come true," replies the cop.
"Huh?"
"Well," says the officer, "I just *know* that two miles down the road
you're gonna say, 'I sure wish that motherfucker woulda tried that
shit with me.'"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 15:25:58 -0500
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
Subject: I'm going back to working on cars
To: the-usual-suspects@cs.purdue.edu
I used to work as a mechanic. I'm going back to that.
> *** America's married women vote artists top lovers
>
> American men can pat themselves on the back. A new magazine survey
> finds they make great lovers, especially artists, mechanics and truck
> drivers - although the latter group falls asleep quicker than any
> other after sex. The survey by Redbook magazine released Thursday
> said that more than 60% of America's married women rank their sex
> lives as excellent or very good. The survey also found that the job a
> man does during the daytime affects his performance at night. Artists
> won high praise from the wives and they faulted doctors, but women
> voted computer workers the worst group of lovers. See
> http://www.infobeat.com/stories/cgi/story.cgi?id=2555542905-c2f
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 1998 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@dqd.com>
Forwarded-by: Craig Miller <dcm@zilker.net>
So it seems that this Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some
money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and
told him, "I've kidnapped you!"
She then gave him a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow
morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree
next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to
show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure
enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do
this to a fellow Blonde?"
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 20:17:18 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Latin
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
Carpe Diem
carpe diem......... seize the day
carpe deum......... god is a fish
carpe carpe........ seize the fish
crape diem......... bad day
carpe diem......... complain daily
carpe per diem..... seize the check
carpe canem........ seize the dog
carpe devo......... seize the record
carnivore carpe.... RUN!!
carpe calypso...... seize the DAY-O
or seize the dance
or seize the boat
carpe Teva......... seize the sandal
carpe noctum....... seize the night
carpe horribilis... seize the ugly bear
carpe badjokius.... seize the teller of these jokes
Jolly <joke@cheerful.com> [alt.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
CONTEMPORARY LATIN PHRASES
"Motorolus interruptus" -- Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel
Revelare Pecunia! -- Show Me The Money!
Robotisticus Governantimus Inevitabilitus -- Al Gore is GOING to Be
President
Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat -- Yeah, where *do* I want to go
today??
Sic semper tyrannus -- Your dinosaur is ill
No Quid Pro Quo -- I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid
Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga -- Beware of the man with a
tofu burrito in his toga
Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus -- It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer
Veni, Vidi, Velcro -- I came; I saw; I stuck around
E pluribus septum -- Multiple nose piercings
Sic transit gloria mundi -- Gloria got sick on the bus Monday
Nobody N Particular <technocratz@juno.com>
ALPHA Mailing List <owner-alpha@ldscn.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TOP 15 LATIN PHRASES FOR THE 90's
15. "Log floggit cum palma folliculus." -- (If you don't stop it, you'll
go blind.)
14. "Nolo Contendere." -- (Hillary, you're on your own.)
13. "Domino vobiscum." -- (The pizza guy's here.)
12. "Dumbassus! Hottie iste transvestitus!" -- (Fool! That gorgeous
woman is a crossdresser!)
11. "Auda similarum ad seattles." -- (They all sound just like Pearl
Jam.)
10. "Erectionus finalum." -- (Anna Nicole Smith is here, Gramps.)
9. "Boobi falsetti starrius." -- (Sugar, if ya wanna be a star, you're
gonna have to do something about that bustline.)
8. "Veni, veni, veni!" -- (I came, I came, I came!)
7. "Sharpei diem." -- (Sieze the Wrinkle Dog.)
6. "Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." -- (Remove foil before
microwaving.)
5. "Motorolus interruptus." -- (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
4. "Il guyus nissanem iste ickye." -- (That Nissan guy gives me the
creeps.)
3. "Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi forevercus." -- (Better take the
nose ring out before the job interview.)
2. "Dictum ad tua mater." -- (Word to your mother!)
1. "Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum,
minutus carborata descendum pantorum."
-- (A little song, a little dance,
a little seltzer down your pants.)
[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
[ The Top Five List top5@walrus.com www.topfive.com ]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1998 21:48:36 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: man bashing again...
To: spaf
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time!
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop and ask for directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have a penis to keep it in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They are usually meant for children, but it's the men who
usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.
Why do men masturbate?
Because it's sex with someone they love.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at parties.
Why did God create man before woman?
You need a rought draft before you have a final copy.
Why is pee yellow and sperm white?
So he can tell if he's coming or going.
How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
Don't know, it hasn't happened yet.
Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
It turns your hard drive into a 3 1/2 floppy.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brain?
A widower.
What do you do if you look out into the backyard and find your husband
stumbling and staggering about?
Load another clip.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 16:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: New Alcohol Warnings.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Lina_Morales@Millipore.com
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles,
such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like
thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you
can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named
Chuck.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space
continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
disappear.
1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
[I wish they had done this 20 years ago. I could have avoided all of these
(well, almost all: not #1, and in #5 his name was Ray. Sigh.) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 12 Aug 1998 08:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: QOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
* Progress (n.): The process through which Usenet has evolved from
smart people in front of dumb terminals to dumb people in front of
smart terminals. -- obs@burnout.demon.co.uk (obscurity)
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 09:54:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: religions for the 21st C
To: spaf
The Top 13 New Religions for the 21st Century
13> The Cult of Saint Pamela, "Our Lady of the Anatomical
Enhancements"
12> X-TREME RELIGION!!!
11> The Holy Lillith Church of the Minor-Keyed Female Vocalist
10> Joe-piscopal
9> Star Trek - The Next Denomination
8> Leonardo DiCatholic
7> Branch Hansonians
6> Church of the Everlasting Independent Counsel
5> Microsoft Second Coming 99 beta 4
4> Two words: Jesus Spice
3> Harry Caray-Ishna
2> Crystal Methodist
and Top5's Number 1 New Religion for the 21st Century...
1> Hey Judaism
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 20:13:18 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: smock@flatoday.infi.net
from i_sartawi@ceb.com.jo
Some people in a southern Alabama church were talking before the service
started. All of a sudden the devil appeared on the altar. Everyone was
screaming and yelling and they all ran out. The devil was looking around
and was proud of himself until he saw one man in the back. The devil was
mad that the man didn't leave, so he walked up to him and said, "Do you
know who I am?" and the man replied "Yup."
The devil was real mad now and asked, "Aren't you scared of me?" and the
man said "Nope not really."
"Why not?"
"I've been married to your sister for the past 20 years."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 13 Aug 1998 09:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jon Loeliger <jdl@jdl.com>
Forwarded-by: "Fabio Ingrao" <fabio@chromatic.com>
Life Lessons from Melrose Place:
1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep
with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait
around forever.
2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do
both, often.
3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire,
curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of
straight vodka.
4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face,
really hard.
5. Pretend you're pregnant.
6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!
7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't
convenient, fake your own death.
8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.
9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding!
Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.
10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure
to shut the door tightly on your way out.
11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or
have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some
way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.
12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and
try to choke you.
13. If you get fired, get drunk.
14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."
15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your
shirt and do it by the pool.
16. Randomly insult the people around you.
17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be
judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum
where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.
18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even
better job at twice the salary.
19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked
you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of
times.
20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't
mean that you can't carpool to work with them.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 12:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Spam O' The Day: "Works Through Walls".
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Daniel V Klein <dvk@lonewolf.com>
Return-Path: <mci2000.com@PM02SM.PMM.MCI.NET>
Date: Thu, 03 Sep 1998 21:15:23 -0500 (EST)
Subject: .. Remote Controlled Fart Machine ..
To: customers@PM02SM.PMM.MCI.NET
Message-id: <0EYQ00LB9LWLYE@PM02SM.PMM.MCI.NET>
The Remote Controlled Fart Machine
This is the Funniest Gadget ever produced!
5 Realistic Fart Sounds - Works 50 Feet and Through Walls
Only $14.95 + $3.00 Shipping
Fast 2-3 Day Delivery - Safe Secure Ordering
Money Back Guarantee
Get one in time for Labor Day
[Which is more disturbing -- that someone would buy it, or that
someone would actually engineer it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 19:23:15 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: The Pill
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
LSD & THE PILL
Q: What do you get when you cross LSD and the Pill?
A: A trip without the kids.
David A. Rinke II <drinkeii@erie.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MONTHLY BIRTH CONTROL
The doctor was advising the couple on birth control. "And these days
birth control pills can even be taken monthly instead of daily."
"Humph!" snorted the husband. "With 'her' even a monthly pill would be
over-medication."
Jim Moore Jr. <http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
NICORETTE GUM
When I worked as a pharmacy intern, Nicorette gum had just become
available to help smokers kick the habit. Our store underestimated the
popularity of the gum, however, and one day we ran out of it. At
closing time that evening, a woman came in and handed the pharmacist a
prescription for norethindrone -- birth control pills. Having seen so
many prescriptions that day for Nicorette, he mistakenly told the woman
that he would not have it in for several days. "Well, now what am I
supposed to do?" the woman complained.
My boss replied, "Have you ever thought of quitting cold-turkey?"
Craig Kessler
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 15 Sep 1998 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Forwarded-by: "The Top 5 List" <top5@gmbweb.com>
List-Subscribe: <mailto:subscribe-top5@lists.lyris.net>
The Top 13 Chapters In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"
13> Chapter 7 -- "Lewinsky" Becomes a Verb
12> Chapter 51 -- A Few Other Things I Can't Prove but Wish
Were True, So I Leaked Them
11> Chapter 4 -- Pilferage of Pens, Post-Its, and Other
Government Property by the First Family
10> Conclusion -- Why I, Kenneth Starr, Should Be Your New God
9> Chapter 22 -- Wherein Our Hero, Overwhelmed by the Duties
of Office and Beset on All Sides by the Forces of Evil,
Looks About Him and Decides, "This Would Be a Good Time
for a Little Oral Sex."
8> Chapter 1 -- Liar, Liar, Career on Fire
7> Chapter 23 -- The CLUE Conspiracy: Miss Lewinsky, in
the Oval Office, with the Cigar
6> Chapter 6 -- With All Due Respect Mr. President, Why the
Fat Chick?
5> Chapter 39 -- So Who's Screwing Who Now, Huh, Mr. Bigshot?
4> Chapter 28 -- Other Things the President Did While Getting
A Hummer
3> Conclusion -- "Hey Ken Starr, you've spent millions of tax
dollars of the years preparing your report for Congress.
Now what are you going to do?" "I'm going to Disney World
to investigate those rumors about Minnie Mouse and Goofy."
2> Appendix -- Links To Other Hot XXX Sites on the Internet
and Top5's Number 1 Chapter In Ken Starr's "Clinton Report"...
1> Chapter 8 -- $40 Million, Same As In Town
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Sep 1998 08:39:54 EST
From: "Gerry White" <gawhite@freh-01.freh.purdue.edu>
Subject: Too many of these apply to my life...
To: spaf
YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE '90s WHEN . . .
21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out
of the back seat of your car.
20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do
not have e-mail addresses.
19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN's home page to your
bookmarks.
18. You have a "to-do list" that includes entries for lunch and
bathroom breaks, and they are usually the ones that never get crossed
off.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and
capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully
slow.
14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is
rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of
the products don't even exist anymore.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to
improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear sweats to
work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a
living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive
restaurant in town within the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a
project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your
next-door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
night plans.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his
ideas into a matrix.
And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:
1. You think a "half-day" means leaving at 5 o'clock.
[Far too many of these apply to me. No wonder I'm fraying. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1998 15:39:22 -0700
From: mib@juno.com (Mort Bernstein)
Subject: Via Cap K.
To: spaf
This one got me to giggling!
Mort
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each
kid in
her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the
rest:
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But... How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow
Your
Nose.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Edie.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 14 Sep 1998 19:17:56 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Wayward Wives (A Little Risque)
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
RAN OFF
Did you hear about the man whose wife ran off with a mustard salesman?
She wrote him a Dijon letter.
Nancy Carson <JMFS19A@prodigy.com>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: What to do about dead husbands and cats.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
PET REINCARNATION
Dear Dr. Science,
Is there any way to bring someone's pet cat back to life after you've
run over it with your car?
A.R. from Madison, WI
Sure, but it involves a lot of faith and at least a little work. Since
all pets are essentially the same, all you have to do is disguise a
stray pet to look like the newly deceased pet. This is easier when you
stick to the same species. For example, it's much easier to paint a
tabby with some orange spots to make it a calico, if that's the color
and model you ran over. I once painted a Yorkshire terrier to resemble
lop eared rabbit, but that took several tubes of epoxy and some minor
surgery. Most pet owners don't really pay much attention to their pets
after the first few thrilling months of ownership and any changes in
disposition or appearance can easily be explained away by flea or
parasite infestation.
Visit the Ask Dr. Science web site at <http://www.drscience.com>
sponsored by the fine folks at Internet Direct. All Dr. Science
material Copyright 1997 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights
reserved.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WHAT TO DO ABOUT DEAD HUSBANDS AND CATS
by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, March 9, 1998
I never know quite what the decent interval is before suggesting the
logical course for someone who has lost a human mate or a four-legged
pet but I know what will help in most cases -- get another one.
But how long do you wait before suggesting the obvious course? I'm
wondering because I got a letter from a friend on the coast saying her
15-year-old cat has been put to sleep. That's not quite so sad perhaps
as having a friend write to say she had her husband put to sleep,
although it probably depends on whether the husband was a good one or an
alley cat.
Nonetheless, this note about the loss of a cat was especially sharp
because that cat was the only other creature in the house with my
friend. She mentioned how quiet the house has become.
The solution, of course, is to bring something noisy into the home,
preferably a kitten. There's nothing like a kitten tearing the house
apart to make you stop grieving over a cat. There's something about
that ripping sound of a happy kitten sliding down the curtains that
takes your mind off a loss.
But it is a tricky business to suggest to someone whose pet has died (or
whose husband) that she should get a new one. She probably should, but
that is not something a person wants to hear 20 minutes after the lost
spouse or pet is gone. A certain amount of grieving is useful to the
healing process. And the thought of shopping for replacements strikes a
person initially as disloyal, even repulsive.
Unless the cat or husband didn't die but ran off with somebody else.
Then loyalty isn't the impulse that comes to mind. For instance, when
one of our cats ran off to live with the Jezebel next door, grief was
not the word for what we felt. And we had no qualms about looking for a
replacement. We'd show that little fink.
But that is also one of the odd things about a relationship with a pet.
The friendship is necessarily based on the expectation of replacing the
pet one day. A pet might as well know at the outset that it won't be
your only love over the long course of your life. That's the
arrangement. Take it or leave it.
That is the difference between spouses and the other pets. You get
married in the hope that this is forever. But you add a pet to the
household with the expectation that you will outlive it and replace it,
even if it doesn't go live with the Jezebel next door.
We are in a monogamous mood when we marry. But when we give our hearts
to a pet, it usually isn't the first such liaison. There have been
others and the pet comes aboard with that understanding.
And it likely won't be the last. That's because you add a dog or a cat
to your life with absolutely no hope of one day celebrating a 25th
anniversary with the beast, let alone a 50th. When it comes to pets, we
are born to practice serial polygamy.
Thus the question when a woman writes to tell you her cat is gone is one
of when rather than whether to urge her to get another. However, I
would err on the side of too early when it comes to a house without a
husband or any other pets on the premises. A house filled only with
sadness needs a distraction.
That doesn't mean she will necessarily ever find another cat she enjoys
as much as the one that bit the big one. Cats differ. Like dogs and
husbands, they are available in all types, friendly and grumpy. And
it's a bit of a lottery which one you find yourself with a few years
down the line.
Truthfully, you will really click with one of the creatures only a
couple of times in your life. So if this one was a natural match and
gave you more affection and pleasure than you think you can ever
replace, you may well be right. A winner is a winner.
But a pale substitute is better than four walls without anybody's noise
but your own bouncing off them. We are not natural hermits. We do
better with at least one other set of beady little eyes in the home
whether that is a new cat or a friendly sailor from the neighborhood
pub.
Sooner or later, even if it was a great cat you lost, you have to roll
the fuzzy dice and try again.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 17 Aug 98 15:20:28 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Wisdom Teeth -- The Cameron Column # 73
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
From: <owner-cameron@cwe.com>
The Cameron Column # 73
Recent surveys reveal that Americans fear opening their mouths in the
dentist's office even more than they fear Dan Quayle opening his.
Apparently we have this peculiar aversion to having needles and drills chip
through our teeth and into our oral nerves--boy, what a bunch of weak
citizens we've become, probably due to the effects of El Nino.
My own dentist, kindly Dr. Hannibal Lecter, lets me know that I'm due for
an appointment by sending me a postcard with puppies on it. This strikes
me as something akin to false advertising--if he wants to let me know what's
coming, why doesn't he send the shower scene from Psycho? Puppies are
cute--in my whole life, I've never heard anyone describe getting a root
canal as a "cute" experience.
Now, don't get the idea from this that I don't practice dental hygiene. I
floss on a regular basis--just not in my mouth. And I brush daily with my
son's Godzilla toothpaste ("Now with more sugar!" it says on the tube.) I
just hate discussing baseball with a sadist while a conduit hooked into my
mouth sucks every drop of liquid from my body. So usually I procrastinate
for a few months until the miniature time bomb he implanted in my jaw on my
last visit explodes in a blast of oral agony. Because it is an emergency,
I am put right through to a recording, and within a couple of weeks I'm in
his office.
"Mr. Cameron," kindly Dr. Lecter advises me on this visit, frowning with
concern. "I've discovered the source of your pain."
"Like, my mouth?" I suggest. Maybe I should be a dentist. Do you have to
take a test or something?
"Your wisdom teeth," he says. He shows me an x-ray of my mouth, pointing
out the grassy knoll and the book depository. Toward the back of my jaw a
couple of teeth look like they have gotten drunk and fallen over.
"Is this bad news?" I ask.
He sighs. "Well, it means I'll be able to afford that new bass boat I've
been looking at. For you, it means the teeth will have to come out."
Okay: not so bad. I've lost teeth before, and even had something of a
cottage industry for a while selling them to the tooth fairy, who turns out
to be my father, of all people. Here you go most of your childhood thinking
your dad is a gynecologist and then you see him sneaking into your sister's
room to take her molar and leave a quarter. I remember when my friend Tommy
lost two of his teeth when he put his mouth right where I was throwing a
baseball--what an idiot. Anyway, I lay in bed that night giggling over the
idea of my father sneaking in to put money under Tommy's pillow. The next
morning, when I innocently asked my dad how Tommy was doing, he pretended
not to understand what I was talking about.
According to kindly Dr. Lecter, even though we humans have no extra fingers
or extra heads or anything, our jaws are riddled with superfluous teeth
which have nowhere to go. Apparently when God created oral surgeons he
wanted to make sure they would be able to afford luxury cars. "Look,
they're impacted," he tells me in a stern tone, like my wisdom teeth are a
couple of pet dogs that got into the neighbor's trash or something.
"Impacted" means that instead of popping up straight, my wisdom teeth are
trying to escape by tunneling out the side of my jaw. Another decade or so
and I will be able to chew gum with my ears.
"We'll have to make an incision here," Lecter intones, drawing his finger
across the x-ray image of my wisdom teeth. They look like toppled
headstones. "Then I'll apply extreme torture to the entire area."
"Why do they call them wisdom teeth if all they are good for is oral
surgery?" I complain bitterly. "They should call them stupid teeth."
"We'll do the surgery on a Friday, so that when you run out of pain pills
on Sunday I will be unavailable. I'll give you a special anesthetic so that
you'll be nauseated during the operation," Lecter continues, running through
the standard instructions for a patient. "Don't eat anything for 24 hours
before you come in--I want you to get started on being miserable."
"Hey, you must think I'm pretty stupid," I rinse and spit angrily. "For
the past 10 years you've been aiming this cone shaped device right at my
mouth in EXACTLY the spot where you say my teeth have become impacted. Do
you think maybe there is a connection?"
"Yes, I think you're pretty stupid," he concedes.
We agree that he needs time to pick out the particular boat that he wants,
so we schedule the surgery for next month. As I leave I catch sight of
myself in the mirror and wonder what I would look like with teeth jutting
out of the side of my face. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad.
The Cameron Column, A Free Internet Newsletter
Copyright W. Bruce Cameron 1998
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1998 21:56:09 -0400
From: Mari Schupp <mschupp@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: woman bashing...
To: mari schupp <mschupp@aol.com>
How many women does it take to paint a wall?...
It depends on how hard you throw them.
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golfclubs for
my wife!"
The other replies: "GREAT trade!"
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?...
The dog, of course . . . at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?...
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95%
quieter?...
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering
Why do women have smaller feet than men ?
So they can stand closer to the sink
How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
What do you do when your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
You make the chain shorter.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that just...won't...do...what...she's...told!
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen???
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light
on.
Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to the bar.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heat off...
Why do Japanese Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
So you can tell them apart from the feminists.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt
her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.
Most accidents happen at home.
And the men have to eat them!
Some mornings I wake up grouchy... and some mornings I just let her
sleep!
What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90 percent.... Wedding cake!!!
Marriage is not a word, it is a sentence - A Life Sentence!!
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
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End of Yucks Digest
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