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Yucks Digest V8 #4 (mixed nuts, some rude)
Yucks Digest Thu, 10 Sep 98 Volume 8 : Issue 4
Today's Topics:
... does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.
And folks, don't lick your finger to turn the pages.
Another well-researched Internet thriller
Crow Cordon Bleu
Did you know? Argentine Gaucho Info
Friday, September 4, 1998 Issue
Fundamentalists
How many people did each dead rat empower?
Jedi Master Mace Windu meets Pulp Fiction.
JOTD
Ken Starr
Marrying Man (Pun)
Michael Bastedo: drivers [thanks James]
New Math Through The Ages (fwd)
Oh, all right, just one more quick one.
Oh Canada!
Pat Robertson & Orlando
Quips & Quotes
SCREAM OF THE CROP
Some Burning Questions
Spielbeg Movie (Pun)
Sunday, September 6, 1998 Issue
Sunday Services
Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace.
The Comedian's-eye View of 08/31/98
The Last Bug
The Marines
Wednesday, September 2, 1998 Issue
Y2K Haiku
Yucks Digest V8 #2
Yucks submission
yucks submission?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via WWW as
<http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/yucks.html>; back issues and
subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send mail to
"yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the single word
"help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 08:05:02 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: ... does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Roland Grefer <btirg@ui.uis.doleta.gov>
Forwarded-by: Photo8069@aol.com
From: "Big Al" <bigal@aa.net>)
German Adam Gotz, 30, claimed he was a "spiritual psychiatrist" and said
the Pyramids in Giza, Egypt, provided spiritual energy that enabled
believers to "transcend humanity". That energy would allow people to be
"free from death", he told his girlfriend Sarah, traveling with him from
Germany. Later, after climbing to the top of the 617 feet tall Cairo
Tower, Gotz told Sarah he would prove what he was telling her was true:
he jumped off. He was killed on impact. Warning: Belief in strange ideas
does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 09:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: And folks, don't lick your finger to turn the pages.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Berry Kercheval <berry@kerch.com>
Forwarded-by: amy.sheldon@sff.net (Amy Sheldon)
Newsgroups: sff.publishing
The September 1998 "Atlantic Monthly" arrived in my mailbox today, and
Cullen Murphy's Notes and Comment had a bit of publishing news that I
haven't seen anywhere else. I just know that there are people here who
will find this, um, *interesting*...
Murphy was writing about the funeral industry, and brought up a Kentucky
printer, Timothy Hawley Books, that "offers a line of what it calls
bibliocadavers -- handsomely bound volumes whose blank or printed pages
are created from a pulp containing the ashes of a loved one." He ends by
adding that this will "add a new facet to the idea of a book's being
remaindered."
["Ashes to ashes, dustcover to dustcover..." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1998 09:42:53 -0700
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: Another well-researched Internet thriller
To: "Gene (Yucks) Spafford" <yucks@cs.purdue.edu>
>From the TV GUIDE FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL:
Upcoming Specials:
TOM CLANCY'S NETFORCE (ABC):
Scott Bakula is an FBI commander who must stop a renegade group from gaining
control of the world via the Internet. Joanna Going, Kris Kristofferson, Brian
Dennehy, Judge Reinhold and CCH Pounder also star in this two-parter.
==============
Probably through a mind-control pyramid e-mail scheme...
"Seems like, lately, everybody with four guys and a
proton accelerator thinks they can rule the world.
No offense."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 13:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Crow Cordon Bleu
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@smallworks.com>
Forwarded-by: P Nathan <pacoid@fringeware.com>
Forwarded-by: "Onan Canobite <onan@subgenius.com>"
Presented to me as God's own truth by St. Byron Werner: make of it what
you will.
According to the Knight Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal
bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds
has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington
Biological Survey, abbreviated as "Wash. Biol. Surv."; until the agency
received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a
crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want
to tell you it was horrible.
The bands are now marked "Fish & Wildlife Service."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 98 00:22:46 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Did you know? Argentine Gaucho Info
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: sengster@songs.sce.com
Argentine gauchos explain why they prefer to eat with their fingers:
"If you need a fork, you need a plate, then you need a table to put it
on and a chair to sit at the table. Before long you're living in a
house with a woman and a batch of kids and a dog that kills your
chickens."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Sep 1998 22:57:48 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Friday, September 4, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
The Top 15 Unforeseen Consequences of The "Millennium Bug"
15. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned
taxpayers.
14. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in infinite
loop.
13. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS
1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome
User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.
12. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"
11. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by
999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one
hour.
10. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.
9. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny....
Oops, too late.
8. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-
laden formula becomes legal again.
7. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's
almost 1900, we technically have to "Party like it's 1899,"
which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.
6. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of
the "Gatesian" calendar.
5. Jesus shows up late for His second coming, blames it on
COBOL programmers.
4. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is
only 103.
3. First Top 5 List of the year? "Reasons No One Would Ever
Assassinate President McKinley"
2. Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson
mistakenly takes home some octogenarians.
...and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium
Bug"...
1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe
understaffing of fast-food restaurants.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 18:42:48 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Fundamentalists
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
Several members of the Christian Right had approached a 90-year-old in
order for him to sign a testimonial that his longevity was due to clean
living. The old gentleman was in the process of reviewing the document,
when sounds of a riotous party came from an adjacent room.
"Oh my Lord," said the one of the visitors, "Whatever is all that noise
and laughing?"
"I'm sorry," replied the embarrassed man, "Pay no attention. That's
just Dad getting drunk with the girls from the topless casino again."
Jim Moore Jr. <http://www.geocities.com/BourbonStreet/6293>
UGA Humor List <humor@uga.cc.uga.edu>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Sep 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: How many people did each dead rat empower?
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: "John A. Kunze" <jak@nlm.nih.gov>
From: Roger Rosenblum <rsr@socrates.berkeley.edu>
Socio-Math Problems for San Francisco Students
1) Zelda and Jane were given a rottweiler at their commitment
ceremony. If their dog needs to be walked two miles a day and they walk
at a rate of 1/2 mile per hour, how much time will they spend discussing
their relationship in public?
2) Michael has two abusive stepfathers and an alcoholic mother. If his
self-esteem is reduced by 20% per dysfunctional parent, but Michael
feels 3% better for every person he denigrates, how long will it take
before he's ready to go home if 1 person walks by the cafe every 2
minutes?
3) Sanjeev has 7 piercings. If the likelihood of getting cellulitis on
a given day is 10% per piercing, what is the likelihood Sanjeev will
need to renew his erythromycin prescription during the next week?
4) Chad wants to take half a pound of heroin to Orinda and sell it at a
20% profit. If it originally cost him $1,500 in food stamps, how much
should Nicole write the check for?
5) The City and County of San Francisco decide to destroy 50 rats
infesting downtown. If 9,800 animal rights activists hold a candlelight
vigil, how many people did each dead rat empower?
6) A red sock, a yellow sock, a blue sock, and a white sock are tossed
randomly in a drawer. What is the likelihood that the first two socks
drawn will be socks of color?
7) George weighs 245 pounds and drinks two triple lattes every morning.
If each shot of espresso contains 490mg of caffeine, what is George's
average caffeine density in mg/pound?
8) There are 4500 homes in Mill Valley and all of them recycle plastic.
If each household recycles 10 soda bottles a day and buys one polar fleece
pullover per month, does Mill Valley have a monthly plastic surplus or
deficit? Bonus question: Assuming all the plastic bottles are 1 liter
size, how much Evian are they drinking?
9) If the average person can eat one pork pot sticker in 30 seconds,
and the waitress brings a platter of 12 pot stickers, how long will it
take five vegans to not eat them?
10) Todd begins walking down Market Street with 12 $1 bills in his
wallet. If he always gives panhandlers a single buck, how many legs did
he have to step over if he has $3 left when he reaches the other end and
met only one double-amputee?
Advanced Placement Students Only
11) Katie, Trip, Ling, John-John and Effie share a three-bedroom
apartment on Guerrero for $2400 a month. Effie and Trip can share one
bedroom, but the other three need their own rooms with separate ISDN
lines to run their web servers. None of them wants to use the futon in
the living room as a bed, and they each want to save $650 in three
months to attend Burning Man. What is their best option? --
a) All five roommates accept a $12/hour job-share as handgun monitors
at Mission High.
b) Ask Miles, the bisexual auto mechanic, to share Effie and Trip's
bedroom for $500/month.
c) Petition the Board of Supervisors to advance Ling her annual
digital-artists-of-color stipend.
d) Rent strike.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 10:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Jedi Master Mace Windu meets Pulp Fiction.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Jamie_Thompson@tivoli.com
Forwarded-by: Lillian Butler <chelsea@io.com>
Forwarded-by: Tim Corbett <tim.corbett@mwk.com>
Variety has confirmed that Samuel L. Jackson is playing a Jedi Master in
the new Star Wars prequels.
The TOP 10 Things We Want To Hear Samuel L. Jackson's Character 'Jedi
Master Mace Windu' Say in the Star Wars Prequels.
10. You don't need to see my goddamn identification, 'cause these ain't
the motherfuckin' droids you're looking for.
9. Womp rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know, 'cause even
if it did I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker.
8. This is your father's lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively,
have to kill every motherfuckin' stormtrooper in the room... accept
no substitutes.
7. If Obi-wan ain't home then I don't know what the fuck we're gonna
do. I ain't got no other connections on Tattooine.
6. Feel the Force, motherfucker.
5. What ain't no planet I've ever heard of! Do they speak Bocce on What?
4. You sendin' the Fett? Shit, Hutt, that's all you had to say!
3. Yeah Chewie Rocky Horror's got a hair problem. What the brother
gonna do? He's a wookie.
2. Does Jabba the Hutt look like a bitch?
1. Hand me my lightsaber... it's the one that says, 'Bad Mother Fucker.'
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1998 10:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: JOTD
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Craig Wright <froggy@earthlight.co.nz>
During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune
teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a
crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to
say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your
husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
"Will I be acquitted?"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Sep 1998 21:55:40 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Ken Starr
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
President Clinton addressed the American Federation of Teachers in New
Orleans on Monday morning. He spoke out against global warming. "With
every witness, Ken Starr keeps getting warmer and warmer." --Argus
Hamilton
ShopTalk, July 23, 1998 <ShopTalk@listserv.syr.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
RANKLE, RANKLE KENNETH STARR
by Jim Rosenberg
Rankle, rankle, Kenneth Starr
Dammit, dude -- you've gone too far
Spending all our hard earned dough
So what if Bubba got a blow?
Rankle, rankle Kenneth Starr
Dammit, dude -- you've gone too far
As time goes by, you get much meaner
When will you serve your last subpoena?
You've rung up one real big-ass Bill
We're sick. We're tired. We've had our fill
Rankle, rankle Kenneth Starr
Dammit, dude -- you've gone too far
Please, my man it's time to go
It's nothing but fellatio
What happened is so plain to see
He stood -- she was on bended knee
Rankle, rankle Kenneth Starr
Dammit, dude -- you've gone too far
Jim Rosenberg <http://www.wirecom.com/jim>
The Daily Probe, July 28, 1998 <owner-daily-probe@gmbweb.com>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 04 Sep 1998 09:06:51 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Marrying Man (Pun)
To: kegel@fea.net
Once upon a time, there was a man who married in his youth the most
perfect woman for him. She was beautiful, charming, witty, independent,
sexy and she loved her husband dearly. It caused him the utmost grief
when she died not long after their marriage, and he mourned her for many
years.
In time he overcame his grief and married again, but this woman was
pretty only because of the volumes of makeup she wore, was witty only in
a painfully sarcastic way, was independent only because she could find
no one to be dependent on, was never sexy, and if she loved her husband,
it was in the most twisted fashion imaginable. He soon regretted his
decision to marry again, and booted the nagging witch as quickly as
possible.
After more time, the man eventually found another woman who was at least
the equal to his first wife, if not better. He was in luck, she did not
die, nor did she prove a Harpy after the vows were made, and they lived
many happy years and had several children. It did not take him long, in
fact, to get over what had proven to be ... a very brief mid-wife
crisis.
------------------------------
From: Michael Bastedo <MBASTEDO@bhe.mass.edu>
Subject: drivers [thanks James]
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 10:58:24 -0400
One hand on the wheel, one hand on the horn: New York
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
California; with gun in lap: LA
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio,
but driving in California.
Both feet holding the brake while their buddy takes a leak: Montana
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to
someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, one hand cradling cell phone, foot on
brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet
being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out
the window: Texas City Male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at
70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve,
in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear view mirror to show different
angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail
to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering
the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove
compartment: Texas female
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking
the rear view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or
another's car: Colorado
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on
floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing
a barrel: Las Vegas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving
35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 09:07:18 -0700
From: Jeff Meyer <moriarty@tc.fluke.com>
Subject: New Math Through The Ages (fwd)
To: spaf
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" (lumber) for a set
"M" (money). The cardinality of set "M" = 100. Each element is worth one
dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".
The set "C" (cost of production) contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" (profits?)
Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company
improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per
share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume
capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The
firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed
by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice
retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a
ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the
logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16
executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a
politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the
loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to
work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors
will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 16:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Oh, all right, just one more quick one.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: "Alex Reith" <alex@snew.com>
Bill and Hillary are fast asleep in the First Bedroom, when Hillary wakes
and starts shaking Bill. Bill groggily opens his eyes and says, "Honey,
it's 3am. What do you want?"
"I have to go use the bathroom," Hillary replies.
Bill blinks. "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."
"No," Hillary says, "I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 1998 14:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Oh Canada!
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: glen@substance.abuse.blackdown.org
Forwarded-by: Daniel Rogers <rogersd@nanaimo.island.net>
On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, "Today,
I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of
outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full
of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with
carp and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking
sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, oceans filled with cod, and
rivers stocked with salmon." God continued, "I shall make the land rich
in oil and minerals, with verdant forests, so as to make the inhabitants
prosper. I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known
as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to
these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God. "Just wait and see the neighbours I'm going
to give them."
[Eh? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 08 Sep 1998 19:50:39 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Pat Robertson & Orlando
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
AND GOD LAID WASTE THE MOUSE
ORLANDO, FL (DPI) -- The Suspiciously Reverend Pat Robertson predicted
that God would send a hurricane this summer to destroy Orlando in
retribution for Disney World's hosting of an event for gay and lesbian
patrons at the theme park. Orlando residents responded by filing a
class action suit against Robertson and God for conspiracy to destroy
property and threaten life. Said Orlando resident, Craven Heathen,
"Robertson and this God fellow need to be more careful about who they
threaten with their hellfire. This ain't no third world village with
peasants groveling at the high priest's shiny medallion. This is
America, and what's more, it's Florida. We shoot at outsiders for
sport. Bring on your hurricanes. Why the University of Miami's
defensive backfield alone causes more damage on a typical Friday night
out." Orlando's Mayor quickly added that tourist shootings were
substantially down in recent years and that Robertson would be better
served asking God for an understanding of geography, considering that
Orlando is well inland and generally safe from significant hurricane
damage. Look for Disney's animated film, "False Prophet," in theaters
this fall, featuring the voices of Jimmy Swagart and Harvey Firestein.
Reported by Jonathan Colan
The Daily Probe, June 19, 1998 <owner-daily-probe@walrusnet.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
LACK OF PREDICTED CALAMITY IN ORLANDO LEAVES YOU WONDERING ABOUT PAT
ROBERTSON'S PULL WITH THE LORD
by Robert Kirby, The Salt Lake Tribune, September 5, 1998
Enough waiting. It's been almost three months now, and Orlando, Fla.,
is still on the map. This despite the fact that Pat Robertson predicted
God would punish the city for hosting Gay Day.
Among the prophesied punishments were serious hurricanes, earthquakes,
tornadoes, meteors, maybe some killer bees, a little rent control, and,
what the heck, a plague of Social Security check thieves, too.
I've watched the news for months and ... nothing.
The fate of Orlando was not the issue. Mainly because no one I know
lives there. But also because the last time I was there with some pals
from Ft. Jackson, we got into a bone-rattling altercation with a group
of naval personnel over the salutatory phrase, "You rustpickers sure are
ugly."
Frankly, if God needs a reason to whack Florida for being nice to a
particular type of person, large numbers of sailors works for me.
Never mind that. The issue was whether Robertson's prediction for
celestial calamity was accurate. After all, nothing increases the
stature of a religious figure like his ability to have God kill you over
a point of the gospel.
There was a hurricane in the news. Bonnie. But it missed Florida and
whacked Virginia instead. This was either a misunderstanding between
the Lord and Robertson, or the wrong hurricane.
However, as time (and Orlando) went on, I started wondering. Maybe, as
some of Robertson's followers have since pointed out, the Lord is just
biding his time. Just, you know, waiting until Orlando isn't looking.
Doesn't make sense. If the purpose of Orlando getting squashed by a
meteor is because it was too nice to gays, why wait to squash it until
long after the gays left? We might miss the point if the people who
actually get whacked for Gay Day are half a million retired New Yorkers.
I find this form of Christian worship very tiring. For me, life is
stressful enough just trying to stay out of jail without having to worry
that the earth will swallow me up because someone else misbehaved.
What is it with some religious types and emotional terrorism? Maybe
it's a simple case of malapropism run amok. "Exhorting, extorting,
what's the dif? Just get 'em into church."
Maybe they do it because it works. After all, when you think about it,
nothing puts the fear into fear of God like, well, fear.
Remember when Oral Roberts announced that God would take him if the
faithful didn't pony up millions of dollars, a double cheese pizza and a
getaway helicopter? It worked. Well enough, anyway, so that God let
Oral go.
But you have to admire Roberts for having the gumption to stick his own
head on the block. He didn't, for example, say, "Cough it up or
Minneapolis gets it in the ear."
Worst case, all we stood to lose was Oral.
But fear is still fear. Telling people that God will kill them if they
do not abide by every jot and tittle isn't much different in my book
from threatening to park a car bomb next to a school yard if they don't.
Finally, there is credibility. Who is going to be impressed with gays
causing a hurricane in Orlando? The entire state gets hurricanes for
free.
If you seriously want to impress people by calling down God's wrath, it
has to be a bit more unusual. For example, if the Bible really is down
on divorce, let's see a hurricane take out Reno.
Robert Kirby welcomes e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com
© Copyright 1998, The Salt Lake Tribune <http://www.sltrib.com>
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 06 Sep 1998 17:21:17 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Quips & Quotes
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
QUIPS & QUOTES
Going on vacation is great. First, you don't have to go to work, and
then, if you're lucky, the people at the airport strip-search you.
--Jonathan Colan
If earth were the size of an pencil eraser, that would mean that the Sun
would be slightly bigger than a breadbox and we humans would be the size
of really pissed off little people. --Jay Allen
It was really hard on Grandma when Grandpa Chin died. They were married
for almost her whole life. Ever since Grandpa raided her village,
burned it down and kipnapped her when she was a child. Now that's a lot
of years to be married. --Anna Chin-Williams
You know those guys who say, "Danger is my middle name?" I bet if you
looked on their driver's license, it would probably say "Melvin" or
something. --Lee Entrekin
I believe men, like women, play games. They are just much simpler.
Kind of like comparing playing house to neurosurgery. --Lane Rohrbaugh
No human being, however great, or powerful, was ever so free as a fish.
--John Ruskin, 1859
Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. --Bill Cosby
If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. --James Thurber
You can't say civilization isn't advancing for in every war they kill
you in a new way. --Will Rogers
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's
just sort of a tired feeling. --Paula Poundstone
Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a
contact sport. --Vince Lombardi
My body has certainly wandered a good deal, but I have an uneasy
suspicion that my mind has not wandered enough. --Noel Coward
There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old,
there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going. --J. B.
Priestley
To think too long about doing a thing often becomes its undoing. --Eva
Young
Actual TV announcement: "Tuesday Night at the Movies" will be seen on
Saturday this week instead of Monday."
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're really sick. Then you
should call 911. --ABC-TV advertisement in Entertainment magazine
Love is Grand -- Divorce is 20 Grand
I'd get a sports bra if they made one for the sport of competitive
bingo. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it. --Alfred North
Whitehead
Mankind in general occupies the position between the angels and the
French. --Mark Twain
Above average intelligence has always run in my family. Ambition,
however, has always walked with a limp. --Jeff MacNelly (Shoe)
The only problem with home canning is that eventually you have to eat
the stuff. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
Noah: "Tell them to line up alphabetically ... food-chain order might
lead to problems." --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I
myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do
afterward. --Kurt Vonnegut (Palm Sunday)
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors. --Tom
Snyder
Eccentricity is like having an accent. It's what "other" people have.
--Oliver Sacks
I remember when movies were 15 cents and popcorn was a dime. Of course,
you didn't get to see many near-naked hunks in those days ... --J.
Wagner (Crabby Road)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Sep 1998 09:48:16 -0400
From: smock <smock@flatoday.infi.net>
Subject: SCREAM OF THE CROP
To: smock@flatoday.infi.net
ALTERNATIVE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS
* As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
* I channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and
paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
not my fault.
* I no longer punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, I want to
stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over
others.
* My intuition makes up for my lack of good judgment.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I have no personality
at all.
* I need not suffer in silence while I can moan, whimper, and complain.
* As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.
* When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.
*The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to make someone to buy me nice
things.
* As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
* All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and
disgusting parts.
* I am at one with my duality.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
* I will strive to live each day as if it were my 60th birthday.
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
fear.
* I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and
local laws.
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is better than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is as welcome as a solution to the problem.
* Today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead
I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a moment... I'll
find someone.
* Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it
worrying about the future?
* The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy
is working.
* I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
* Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step
--blaming my parents.
* To have a successful relationship I learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.
* I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn
from them.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 98 23:36:44 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: Some Burning Questions
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Forwarded-by: <joev@archtop.com>
Forwarded-by: <mtl@vetmed.wsu.edu>
Q: What is a zebra?
A: 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra
[Actually it's only 25 sizes larger. -psl]
Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.
Q: What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A: A pool table.
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal one?
A: The taste.
Q: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A: Anyone can roast beef.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Because they have big fingers.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 03 Sep 1998 18:33:56 -0800
From: Stan Kegel <kegel@fea.net>
Subject: Spielbeg Movie (Pun)
To: kegel@fea.net
Steven Spielberg's latest movie has brought rise to a possible sequel.
Picture this: A young soldier is wounded and brought to a
military
hospital, a la Mash.
A beautiful French nurse prepares him for surgery.
Of course they fall in love, he recovers and they live happily
ever after.
Oh yes the movie should be called, ... Shaving Ryan's Privates.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 6 Sep 1998 21:34:42 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Sunday, September 6, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
Getting Rid Of Bad Dates
-----------------------------
>>>>Joke Category = Pranks -- Rating = PG
1. Repeat every third third word you say say.
2. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
3. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't
know what they are talking about.
4. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with
your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
5. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
6. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when
your date begins talking about themselves.
7. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
8. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant
has any live food.
9. Without asking, eat off your date's plate.
Eat more from their plate than they do.
10. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds
of it being placed in front of you.
11. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to
the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a
different part of the restaurant. Order another meal.
When your date finally finds you, ask him/her
"What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
12. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere.
Keep bringing the subject up.
13. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away
from the windows, where you have a good view of
all exits, and where you can keep your back to the
wall. Act nervous.
14. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
15. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
16. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
17. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
18. Auction your date off for silverware.
19. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
20. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the
waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few
minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
"never got." When the waiter returns with another
potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate.
Repeat later in the meal.
21. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
22. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you
return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on
the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need
airing out.
23. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing
on the menu. Take one bite.
24. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
25. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table.
Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time,
taking advantage of the free refills.
26. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little
pieces. In a similar vein, insist that he take a bite
of everything on the plate, to make sure no one
poisoned it.
27. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
28. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 27 Aug 1998 18:49:16 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: Sunday Services
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
THE ARMY OF THE LORD
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Kitty's Daily Mews <kittysdailymews@lgcy.com>
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 12:05:00 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace.
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: chuck <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: Evan Marcus <evan@carroll.com>
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM:
5 Questions, 60 Minutes, Infinite Implications.
You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and/or the Book
of Mormon.
The speed of light is "c".
Show all work.
For all problems,
assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density "D."
Pi does not equal God, no matter what you have heard.
No praying during the exam.
Detention lasts for eternity.
1. (20 pts.) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves
each an equal amount "L." Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. From Joe's
frame of reference at rest, how much does God now love Bob?
2. Sven, a Catholic, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with
sheep "S."
a. (8 pts.) What is Sven's atonement coefficient following the act
if the sheep was not willing?
b. (12 pts.) What if the sheep, while not technically willing, could
not be said to have minded, either?
3. (20 pts.) Let the eternal, all abiding love of God be the "xy"
plane. Sue's soul starts at the coordinates (0,0) at time "t" = 0
seconds. Sue's soul then travels at 5 meters/second in the
direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian
coordinates bespeaking a subscription to a perfectly rational
Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time "t"
will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
4. (20 pts.) Assume the Rapture occurs at time "t." Cornelia is a
saved human weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace. However, her
head is in the closing jaws of an alligator at time "t." What
mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time "t + 10"
seconds?
5. Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a state of rest. His
sin level for his faith is currently 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg
of pork and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right
about pretty much everything.
a. (10 pts.) What is Stan's sin level now?
b. (10 pts.) Stan is one of those Salt Lake City Mormons. He ain't
so damn smug now, is he?
Extra Credit (10 pts.):
25 grams of wafers and 20 milliliters of cheap wine undergo
transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of the Lord.
How many joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in exam when done, and may God have mercy on your work.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Aug 98 13:26:54 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@langston.com>
Subject: The Comedian's-eye View of 08/31/98
To: Fun_People@langston.com
X-Lib-of-Cong-ISSN: 1098-7649
Excerpted-from: 08/31/98 -- ShopTalk
"My agent, among other people, said, 'You shouldn't do Playboy again
because people are just starting to take you seriously.' I thought,
'How sad. Do I have to sacrifice being perceived as a sensual woman
in order to be taken seriously?'"
- Cindy Crawford, seriously
[Personally, I always take sensusal, naked women seriously.
Well, I bet I would if I ever encounted any. --spaf]
Left Coast: "According to a new poll, most Californians believe President
Clinton is setting "a bad moral example for the country" -- but still want
him to remain. Which is a real coincidence, because that's the way most
Americans feel about California." (Jim Rosenberg) The Daily Monologue -
http://www.wirecom.com/jim
Economics Lesson: "Russia's economy continues to worsen as the ruble dropped
41% in one day....It went down so fast that Allen Greenspan accidentally
called the ruble, the 'monica.' (Bill Williams)
Bombs R Us: Hasbro has introduced a new gismo called Sound Bites. It's a
lollipop holder shaped like an electric toothbrush that sends vibrations
through the teeth to the inner ear. "Sound Bites lets kids hear sounds and
voices inside their heads that no one else can. It comes in 'Son of Sam,'
'Jeffrey Dahmer' and 'Unabomber' models." (Ira Lawson)
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Sep 1998 17:26:29 -0400
From: "John F. McMullen" <johnmac@acm.org>
Subject: The Last Bug
To: "John F. McMullen" <johnmac@acm.org>
The Last Bug
"No program is perfect,"
They said with a shrug.
The client is happy ...
What's the one little bug?
But he was determined.
The others went home.
He dug out the flowchart.
Deserted. Alone.
Night passed into morning.
The room was cluttered.
With memory dumps, microfiche;
"I'm close," he muttered.
Chain smoking, cold coffee,
Logic deduction.
"I've got it," he cried.
Just change one more instruction.
Then change two, then three more,
As year followed year.
And strangers would comment
Is that guy still here?
He died at the console
of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried,
face down, nine edge first.
And his wife through her tears
Accepted his fate.
Said, "He's not really gone,
He's just working late.
The last bug in sight,
an ant passing by,
Saluted his tombstone and whispered,
"Nice try."
-anon
Datamation sometime 1968-1970
[Yeah, and my office about 2 weeks ago. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Sep 1998 21:48:21 -0700
From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan@worldnet.att.net>
Subject: The Marines
To: "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List" <McHawlist@mail.otherwhen.com>
>> Q: Why are there a few Marines on every Navy ship?
>> A: 'Cause sheep would have been too obvious.
>
>Hey! My brother's a Marine, so I feel pretty upset by this joke. I
>mean, these guys are out there protecting our country, so we should show
>a little more respect.
>
>And that said, every red-blooded, right-thinking, God-fearing, decent,
>apple-pie eating, God bless the Red White and Blue, don't tread on me
>American knows that the joke SHOULD read:
>
>Q. How do you tell the Marines on a Navy ship?
>A. They're the ones in the back throwing bread crumbs at the
>helicopters.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 18:53:23 -0600 (MDT)
From: "New Humor" <ListManager@newhumor.com>
Subject: Wednesday, September 2, 1998 Issue
To: humor@newhumor.com
Taking the Cat to the Vet
Joke Category = Animals -- Rating = PG
Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet?
On public transport?
I did, and it was probably the most harrowing
experience of my life except for when I had a
spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep
Tick lodged on his head, that could not be
removed, so I decided to take him to the vet. When
I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket
made from stout wicker for this very purpose.
I went to the closet and took out the basket, but
Cat saw it and gave me a cocky, head on one side,
look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am
going to humiliate myself by putting my fine,
furry body in that, you can shove it up your arse,
mate"
So I put the basket on the table, and picked up
the cat, cooing soft, gentle phrases that would
have calmed down one of those dogs that are banned
and owned by people with their names tattooed on
their foreheads in mirror writing. Cat started to
purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon as I
got him near the door of the basket, his limbs
shot so wide that he was clawing at both sides of
the room simultaneously. There followed two
minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry
furry octopus with more claws than Geronimo's
necklace and the temper of Don King with his
German helmet caught in his fly.
"Come on, puss, go in"
"Meow"
"Please...ouch"
"Hiss....snarl"
"Get in you fat furry *!#%"
"Meeoooow...growl..."
etc..etc..
Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet
and 200 pounds. But I had been scratched so much
that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round
for tea and angered him with a comment about his
mother's facial hair. So, I took him to the bus
stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his
paws folded with an expression of loathing
disgust, planning his ultimate revenge.... We got
on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of
afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because
they could travel for free and spotty adolescents
going to burgle houses. For the first few minutes,
Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and
licking his bottom. Then it started.
"meow..."
"Meowwwww..."
"M E E O W .... WOOOOOOO .... WOWOWOWO .....
MEEEEEEEOOOWW ... grrrrroowwwwlll"
The old lady next to me was rather startled. I
think she thought it was an Air-Raid siren, and
she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and
my Arthur was never the same after they shot one
of his balls off" But it soon became apparent to
everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making
the racket. Spotty kid at the back took his
Walkman headphones off.
Then came the bombshell. It started as the
faintest whiff - the merest zephyr wafting up my
nose. It's worth pondering for a moment what goes
on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes
in at the front end. Certain brands of cat food
in the UK have recently been classified as "fit
for human consumption". But if I came home after a
hard day at the office and found a tin of that
laid out for my dinner there would be a great deal
of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food
is vile. There is a common bond that is shared
across humanity - everyone in the whole world,
when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast
shouts profanities when they get a whiff of it.
Even Arabs. So, considering the material a cat has
to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs
developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand
why I was sitting on a bus surrounded by people
looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling
camp; Pointing competition. And then came the
urine.
Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has
recently suffered a drought. In an attempt to
resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had
to draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up
the depleted reservoirs. They needn't have
bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline
to my cat's wang, erect a sizable distilling
facility and provide gas masks to the local
residents. I have never seen as much urine come
from a living being. I've giggled at horses
relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an
elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV
program. But they are insignificant compared to
the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's
angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the
multi-dimensionality that allows my 16 pound cat
to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a
bladder.
Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically
seal.
So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My
khaki, summer trousers. The crotch of my trousers.
It was way before my stop, but I just had to get
off the bus because people were starting to
threaten me between retches. I walked down the
aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling
ball of furry anger in a basket.
I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with
people looking straight at the dark, damp patch
that was my crotch. It was very difficult to
retain my dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the
man took one look at the cat, whipped out some
tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant.
Presenting me with a bill that was large enough to
buy food for a platoon of hungry soldiers with
tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at
home - you needn't have made the effort to come
all the way here".
The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need
for th...", followed by "Oh Jesus, my plums", and
rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid --
it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Sep 1998 13:05:01 -0400 (EDT)
From: nev@bostic.com
Subject: Y2K Haiku
To: nev@bostic.com (/dev/null)
Forwarded-by: Chuck Yerkes <chuck@Yerkes.com>
Forwarded-by: David HM Spector <spector@zeitgeist.com>
Forwarded-by: Declan McCullagh <declan@well.com>
From: solveig singleton <solveig@cato.org>
Millenium parties
with loud music, lights and joy;
then, how cold!
Stupid programmer,
think ahead next time, when the
power's back.
Windows 98 is
compliant with minor bugs,
store water!
Hire more programmers
for Y2k Bug now -- Oops,
lights are out!
Y2k is just
a scam for consultants -- hey
Martial law!
Two digits lost,
the railroad switch spills coal --
scavengers!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The perfect haiku
is seventeen syllables
and one brief image.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Sep 1998 13:30:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: Danny Sharpe <dsharpe@westga.edu>
Subject: Yucks Digest V8 #2
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
On Sun, 6 Sep 1998, Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford wrote:
> Interestingly, I only got a few inquiries about what had happened.
> Here I was hoping that Yucks was vital to each and every one of you,
> only to discover that most of you didn't notice. :-(
Ah, but I've missed it very much! I just assumed you'd been abducted
by aliens and would resume brightening our lives when they returned you
to your adoptive planet.
I'm glad they returned your sense of humor along with the rest of you.
[Well, it's not clear they returned the rest of me. --spaf]
------------------------------
From: "David A. Curry" <davy@ers.ibm.com>
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
Date: Tue, 08 Sep 1998 10:21:45 EDT
Subject: Yucks submission
No idea where this originally came from...
1. Open Microsoft Word.
2. Enter the following text:
I'd like to see Bill Gates dead
3. Highlight the whole phrase, and run Tools->Language->Thesaurus (SHIFT+F7).
4. Note the suggested replacement.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 09 Sep 1998 16:58:41 -0700
From: Ken Shoemaker <kds@mipos2.intel.com>
Subject: yucks submission?
To: spaf@cs.purdue.edu
Shame this missed the Monica compilation! Obviously, this was forwarded to
me from somewhere, and I have no idea who is its original author...
> Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had
> had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when
> a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given
> birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of
> Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a
> long time," that she was "thrilled to have had his child."
>
> In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
> saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of
> this story will come out in time, verily." Independent counsel
> Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice
> department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether
> any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally
> funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
> foreign operatives know only as the Wise Men. Beelzebub has
> issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as
> go-betweens in the affair.
>
> Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
> with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to
> investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to
> cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
> Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
> questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
> political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that
> the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorra was to divert
> attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of
> a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special
> interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
>
> If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow
> to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter
> moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God
> recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of
> 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by
> Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any
> provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the
> ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an
> unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------