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Yucks Digest V5 #24
Yucks Digest Tue, 12 Sep 95 Volume 5 : Issue 24
Today's Topics:
Administrivia
... in the city more convenient to you.
A Serious Deal?
Best Win95 commentary so far
forwarded message from Alan Buckwalter
FW: Microsoft 95 Stuns World (fwd)
FYI: A history of Windows...
Hey Sylvia!
How Does Microsoft Get Away With It?
Interview With Bill Gates about Windos (sic) 9X
Microsoft and the Bavarian Illuminati
Microsoft settles India Map controversy
ORIGINAL: Win '95 advertising
Or is it merely a coincidence?
quote without comment
Tears on my window (Windows95)
TOPICAL & ORIGINAL Re: Win 95 advertising campaign
Top Ten Anagrams of "Microsoft Windows Ninety-Five"
Win95=Mac87 shirts....
Win 95 jokes
Windows 95 Joke
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
From: spaf
Subject: Administrivia
To: yucks
Well, Yucks still exists, although I haven't issued any digests in
about a month. I'm still working on the book rewrite. We're coming along
nicely, although the rewrite may end up twice the size of the 1st edition!
Anyhow, I had to send out at least one issue to let people know we didn't
completely disappear. I decided a special one, devoted to software from my
favorite company might be appropriate. (See
http://www.cs.purdue.edu/homes/spaf/hotlists/fun.html#micros00 for more).
Oh, and as to the mailing list software change....the staff here still hasn't
gotten around to it. What with the start of the semester, and two "jumbo
patches" per week from our system vendor to apply, they haven't gotten around
to fixing things up for me. Oh well.
"Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans."
--spaf
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 19:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... in the city more convenient to you.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: "G.O.G." <GGRAYLEE@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Considering the trouble Microsoft has been having lately, I found the
following postcard in yesterday's mail a bit... well... you'll see:
Important Launch Event UPDATE!
Oops! We Goofed.
You recently received an invitation to the Microsoft Windows95 Launch
Event in Denver or Salt Lake City. Due to a mailing error, some of
you may have been invited to attend the Launch Event in the wrong
city. We apologize for this mistake and ask that you please join us
for this important occasion in the city more convenient to you.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 95 13:45:05 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: A Serious Deal?
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
Forwarded-by: Mary Fleischman <fleischm@u.washington.edu>
Forwarded-by: Dave Fleischman <fleischman@houston.omnes.net>
From: Brian F. Walker <walkerb@houston.omnes.net>
Ah, with mere seconds until the Official Debut of Windows '95
(motto: "We've taken an operating system that already hates the user, and
made it too slow and bulky to use on your system") I began to think of
my experiences with earlier versions of this product.
Although I am far from computer illiterate, I note that most
every attempt by me to get Windows to do something, such as leave icons
WHERE I WANT THEM, or simple creation or deletion of directories, leaves
me screaming with rage at the computer and either cutting out to DOS or
taking the disk (if it's a 3.5 disk I was working on) to my Macintosh
and fixing things there. My attempts to keep more than one program open
at a single time always leave me promising not to use Windows ever, ever
again.
While I very rarely attempt to install software, people I know
who do always seem to end up with horror stories like, "We were putting
F117A Stealth Fighter into the games directory, but Windows told us we
were going to have to modify the CONFIG.SYS file by recognifuring the
device mods and adding a pinch of paprika, inserting into oven and
removing when touching a finger to it causes a mild blister, but then
we ended up having to copy our backup WIN.INI files in because it began
having failures with the system demanding 'Who Wants To Know?' every
time we tried to find the new files and then when we got the color maps
down correctly gremlins came out of the hard drive and took away little
Timmy, which is OK because we were tired of having to go to McDonald's
every week to get more 'Power Rangers' giveaway junk, but we're living
in fear now because we wantto put in the SimCity 2000 Urban Renewal Kit
and we're afraid Windows may steal the cat."
My question, then, at long last, is: How the krunk did this thing
*ever* sell to anyone who was not an actual member of Bill Gates' immediate
family? Are we talking serious deal with the devil or what?
[As I remarked to a colleague, I am amazed at the continuing positive
reaction to Microsoft. if Bill Gates packaged up a kit for a
do-it-yourself root canal and steam-powered enema, slapped the
Microsoft label on it, and sold it for $89.95, the line would also be
around the block.
P.T. Barnum may have been wrong. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 28 Aug 1995 12:29:35 -0400
From: Rich Salz <rsalz@osf.org>
Subject: Best Win95 commentary so far
To: silent-tristero
Various forwardings deleted.
>From: KMP@portal.vpharm.com (K. M. Peterson)
>Subject: James Fallows on Win95
>Status: RO
>
>Listening to all the cackle on the radio waves about Mr. Bill's latest GUI,
>I did finally come across some sanity in the form of a commentary by James
>Fallows on NPR the other day. He gave me permission to redistribute, so
>I'm sending it along for your edification:
>
>
>NPR Commentary, August 24, 1995
>James Fallows
>
> Everything about computers seems new, but the Windows95 phenomenon
>is about as old as electricity. Its underlying principle is, Sell the
>sizzle and not the steak. What Microsoft has achieved today is like what
>Detroit's automakers pulled off thirty years ago, back in their era of
>world dominance, as they unveiled each year's new cars.
>
> Each spring and summer in those days , newspapers and magazines
>would speculate on what the new Ford Fairlane or Chevy Impala might look
>like. In the fall, just before release date, dealers would cover their
>showroom windows with paper -- and then, on that wonderful first night,
>searchlights would rake the sky, the paper would be ripped off the windows,
>and you could join the crowds to see and touch the 1963 LeBaron.
>
> In retrospect it was all a charming hoax. The cars were pretty much
>the same each year -- bigger fins, different sheet metal -- and the real
>achievement was the collaboration between business and media in making the
>model change-over a riveting news event.
>
> It takes me back to those innocent boyhood days -- with Sandy
>Koufax on the pitcher's mound, and the sporty Falcon in the dealer's window
>-- to witness the spectacle of Windows95. Two groups of people watch the
>mounting frenzy with astonishment. One is the tribe of Macintosh users, who
>hear about Win95's marvelous new convenience and know that they've had the
>same, and more, for the last ten years. The other group includes users of
>the OS/2 Warp operating system from IBM, which for at least three years has
>had much stronger technical features than those in Windows95. In automotive
>terms, the Mac users are like Ferrari or MG drivers, the OS/2 crowd is like
>owners of some tightly-engineered German machine, and both are watching in
>dumbfounded admiration as this Buick Skylark, this Windows95 draws the
>spotlights in the sky.
>
> Windows95 is a historic feat, but it is an achievement of commerce
>and promotion rather than of technology. The groups whose lives will be
>different because of it are software companies, who have a new standard for
>upgrades; hardware companies, since Win95 demands more memory and disk
>space; and of course Microsoft itself. A generation from now we will
>marvel, as with yesteryear's autos, not at the ingenuity that went into the
>product but that of the salesmanship, which has included getting the press
>to beat the drum for this new software as it once did for new cars.
>
> Americans often think of themselves as a nation of innovators or
>tinkerers, but long ago the world saw us as a nation of salesman. With
>Windows95 we are returning to our roots.
>
------- End of forwarded message -------
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 95 12:22 EDT
From: lda@research.att.com (Larry Auton)
Subject: forwarded message from Alan Buckwalter
To: sys112@research.att.com, spaf
------- start of forwarded message (RFC 934 encapsulation) -------
From: Alan Buckwalter - x5586 <alan.buckwalter@gs.com>
To: lda@research.att.com
Subject: windoze '95
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 11:26:52 -0400
Is this cute ? or a warning about future security problems in Windoze '95 ?
**************************
Windows 95 has an Easter egg--a "secret" message hidden in the program by
its designers. This one won't be a secret for much longer--in fact, the
instructions below have already started speeding around the Internet.
If you've got Win 95, follow these instructions to see the message...
1. Right-click on the desktop.
2. Select New...Folder.
3. In the name field, type the following line exactly as it appears:
and now, the moment you've all been waiting for
4. Then press Enter.
5. Right-click on the folder and select Rename. Enter this line exactly as
it appears:
we proudly present for your viewing pleasure
6. Press Enter again, then right-click the folder and select Rename. Enter
this line exactly as it appears:
The Microsoft Windows 95 Product Team!
7. Now double-click on the folder to open it.
------- end -------
[Of course, if you do this, Windows reformats your disk and displays a
message "You won't get THAT from a Mac!" --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 1995 09:37:06 -0400 (EDT)
From: ofut@isse.gmu.edu (A. Jeff Offutt)
Subject: FW: Microsoft 95 Stuns World (fwd)
To: spaf
Incredible article.
----------
>From:
To: MTZ
Subject: Microsoft 95 Stuns World
Date: Tuesday, August 29, 1995 4:15PM
Microsoft Windows 95 Stuns World
Friday August 25 09:31 a.m. EDT
Redmond, Wash (AP) - Fans and detractors of the long-awaited
Microsoft Windows 95 have been stunned and amazed by the
incredible events surrounding the August 24 release. Windows 95
has been hailed by industry giant Pierson Holcombe Pewter as
"the most advanced operating system ever produced." But even he
could not have predicted yesterday's events.
It began when peace was declared in Bosnia. Said Ahmad G'Hui,
spokesperson for the Serbs, "Now that [Windows 95] has been
released, we just don't see any reason to fight each other.
This is an amazing product."
Then France announced its intention to stop all testing of
nuclear weapons. "We used to think that our national boundaries
were of utmost import. To safeguard them, it was necessary to
continue testing [nuclear weapons]," said Jacques Fenetre of the
French government. "The Microsoft Network (tm) has changed all
of that. It's such a small planet!"
On the other side of the "small planet", George Bush and Saddam
Hussein met face-to-face for the first time. After a tense
greeting, they started sharing notes about their experiences as
Windows 95 beta-testers. Soon the two lifelong enemies were
laughing and chatting like old friends. In a startling display
of candor, Hussein said "If I hadn't been so frustrated with the
beta, I'd have backed off from Kuwait much sooner." Bush laughed
and commiserated with Hussein, saying "Well, Saddam, I *told*
you it'd be released eventually, all you had to do was wait.
Hey! Let's play some FreeCell!"
Oil prices dropped as OPEC transferred their accounting software to
the new platform. Loggers in the United States' Pacific Northwest
turned their axes in for spades after seeing a Microsoft Video of
spotted owls using Windows 95. In an economic shocker, the Peso
reversed its downward spiral due to huge Windows 95 sales in Acapulco
and Mexico City.
On the health front, Hildegard Wicca, a housewife in Boston, MA,
reports that Windows 95 has removed her facial warts. "I sat down in
front of the computer, pressed 'Start', and felt something odd on my
face. When I looked in a mirror, my warts were gone!" Even more
amazing is the story of Mark Cense, the Los Alamos man who was
reported last week as having an incurable, fatal form of cancer. His
doctors were amazed yesterday when, after simply buying Windows 95 at
the local Computer Universe store, his cancer went into remission.
When asked for a comment on these almost miraculous events,
Microsoft's Bill Gates, recently declared to be the richest man
in the United States, replied "If you think *this* is good, just
wait until you see Windows 97!"
Reports that China's release of dissident Harry Wu was
contingent on his returning with "as many copies of Windows 95
as he can carry" are unconfirmed at this time.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Sep 95 10:25:54 EDT
From: kclark@ctron.com (Kevin D. Clark)
Subject: FYI: A history of Windows...
To: spaf
Forwarded by: doyle@ctron.com
Forwarded by: dayne@spry.com
Forwarded by: robert@interserv.com
Beyond the Hype (Guardian, 25-Aug-95)
Douglas Adams, author of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,
argues Windows 95 does not cross any frontiers
What on Earth is going on? Have we found intelligent life on other planets?
Abolished war and famine? Found Elvis? Have we even devised a new and
better way of using computers? No. All that's happened is that Microsoft
has remodelled its operating system so that it's now more like the
Macintosh.
This may well be a cause for rejoicing among Windows users but it's hardly
a giant leap for mankind and doesn't warrant this sense that we're all
supposed to celebrate early and avoid the millennium rush.
As part of this billion-dollar festival of smoke and mirrors, Bill Gates
has apparently paid the Rolling Stones 8 million pounds for the right to
use Start Me Up, the song which is better known for its catchy refrain "You
make a grown man cry".
This is a phrase you may hear a lot of over the next few days as millions
of people start trying to install Windows 95. Even the best designed
systems can be a nightmare to upgrade, but whatever things Microsoft may be
famous for - the wealth of its founder, the icy grip he exerts on what is
arguably the most important industry on this planet - good systems design
is not, as it happens, one of them.
Let's dispel a few myths. There's one which says that the original PC
operating system was a brilliant feat of programming by boy genius Bill
Gates. It wasn't brilliant and Gates didn't write it. He acquired it,
"shrewdly", from the Seattle Computer Company and then immediately licensed
it on to another, larger, outfit called IBM. When the IBM PC was launched
into a market which had hitherto been serviced by garage companies named
after bits of fruit, it carried the impimatur of a world-renowned name and
sold a zillion, making Gates' operating system a world standard. IBM had
failed to realise that any fool could make the boxes, but the hand that
owned the software ruled the world. Big Blue had given the kid Gates a free
ride into the stratosphere and then, astoundingly, found itself starting to
fall away like a discarded booster rocket.
Sadly this new world software standard was actually a piece of crap.
MS-DOS, as Gates called it, had started life as QDOS-86 or the Quick &
Dirty Operating System, which told you all you needed to know about it. A
whole generation of people doggedly learned to run their businesses on a
system that was written as a quick lash-up for hobbyists and hackers. Was
there anything better around? Of course.
In the 1970's, Xerox had funded a team of the world's top computer
scientists to research the man/machine interface. They devised a
graphical system, using windows, icons and mice. Their key insight was
that a lot of needless complications could be cut short by harnessing
people's intuitive and gestural skills. Oddly, Xerox failed to follow
this up, and the research was taken up and brought to the market by
Apple Computer as the Macintosh. After a shaky, underpowered start,
this machine matured into a well-integrated system which was not only
very powerful, but a real pleasure to use. Mac users tend to have an
almost fanatical devotion to their machines.
The Microsoft line on all this was that Windows was for wimps. The truth
was that plain old MS-DOS couldn't actually do them. Graphics, mice,
networking, and a whole lot else, had to be added to the basic core of QDOS
as one afterthought after another, which is why Wintel computers are so
fiendishly complicated to set up and maintain.
Gates, however, had always known which way the future lay, and for years
Microsoft managed the awkward juggling act of rubbishing Apple's user
interface while simultaneously trying to devise something like it that
would fit on top of the bloated clutter that MS-DOS had become.
BYTE magazine said recently: "It would not be an exaggeration to describe
the history of the computer in the past decade as a massive effort to keep
up with Apple." However, the Macintosh is not the last word on interface
design, and if Microsoft had been the innovative company that it calls
itself, it would have taken the opportunity to take a radical leap beyond
the Mac, instead of producing a feeble, me-too, implementation.
An awful lot of people who try to install Windows 95 will end up having to
spend so much money buying extra RAM and upgrading their peripherals to get
features that Mac users have enjoyed for years, that they might as well
give up and buy the real thing.
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour to
lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the
fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate technology, led them into
it in the first place.
------------------------------
Date: 25 Aug 1995 18:58:57 GMT
From: tim@banquo.csp.ee.memphis.edu (Tim Wilson)
Subject: Hey Sylvia!
Newsgroups: soc.motss
In article <41knsl$pu8@panix2.panix.com> foultone@panix.com (Charlie
Fulton) writes:
>Well I just saw my first Rolling Stones "Start Me Up" Microsoft
>ad, and *I* wanna know is: can Windows '95 make a dead man come?
I figure that widespread knowledge that "make a dead man come" is part
of the repeat-and-fade chorus of "Start Me Up" will make that a very
effective choice of advertising music.
[Well, to be morbid about it, this physiological effect is well-known
to occur to men who have just been hanged (whether they were hung or
not...sorry). Considering how Windows 95 may push many people to
suicide, perhaps there is a subtle connection? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 9 Sep 95 11:39:58 -0700
From: Peter Langston <psl@WOLFE.net>
Subject: How Does Microsoft Get Away With It?
To: Fun_People@wolfe.net
From: Hal Glatzer <0002018560@mcimail.com>
The answer to the question How Does Microsoft Get Away With It? is this:
The subtext of every Microsoft pitch can be paraphrased as follows:
This is a reasonably good program, and it sort of runs okay on the
hardware you've got. But if you really want to use what's in it,
and get the most out of it, you've got to have a little more hardware.
Dealers love this. The markup on hardware is much higher than on software.
Microsoft is helping them sell iron. So they give Microsoft more shelf
space than anybody else, which helps perpetuate Microsoft's self-
generated myth of superiority, and encourages customers to buy Microsoft's
brightly colored box.
If you don't believe this, ask anybody who has used the Quarterdeck
products: those DOS shells delivered true multitasking and a friendlier
user interface while Windows was still a Will-They-Ever-Ship-It? joke.
And you didn't need a Pentium and 16 MB RAM to run Quarterdeck software.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 30 Aug 1995 10:47:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: meo@schoneal.com (Miles O'Neal)
Subject: Interview With Bill Gates about Windos (sic) 9X
To: spaf
>From: John Wallace <jwallace@es.com>
>
** >Prerequisites: a sense of humor **
>-------------------------------
>August 24, 1995
>
>In an official announcement from MicroSoft today, the true reason for the
>release of Windows '95 has finally been uncovered. In a speech given by
>Bill Gates this morning, he said, "We have spent a great deal of time
>developing Windows '95. In the beginning it was simply a matter of trying
>to improve our existing Windows for Workgroups product, but we soon
>realized that if we changed the OS enough, we could ensure incompatibility
>with all competing products, thereby helping to strengthen our monopoly on
>the computer software industry. We simply can't afford to let our
>competitors produce software that will not only run on our operating
>system, but will also outperform similar products produced by us."
>
>When asked about new features in Windows '95, Bill Gates responded with,
>"Of course you have the new looks and features like memory protection
>capable of stopping approximately 10% of the unstable programs from
>crashing the entire system, but some of the more interesting new features
>are not as well known. For example, in order to maintain a more consistant
>level of reliability with our previous releases, the system itself has been
>designed to crash 20% more often than previous releases to more than make
>up for the aforementioned 10% fewer software crashes. There is also a new
>DoubleSpace compression program that will search for and remove any
>non-Microsoft products from your harddrive. But before you start jumping to
>conclusions, those programs won't work under Windows '95 anyway, so you
>really won't be losing anything. We have also incorporated a new
>installation program that will scan your harddrive and upload its contents
>to our own system. Many people have asked us why we do this, and the reason
>is because not everyone will enable the new compression program. By having
>this list of software, we can custom-design programs to safely disable
>non-Microsoft products on everyone's harddrives."
>
>As many of you already know, Microsoft has been selling buggy beta releases
>of Windows '95 for $35 for the past several months. With it's official
>release today, one reporter asked Bill Gates if he thought it was complete.
>Bill Gates responded with, "Nothing we produce is ever really complete. We
>didn't really want to let this out, but the release version of Windows '95
>is actually the same as the beta releases. Now you all have to promise not
>to let this piece of information out, ok?" I pass this information along
>with your assurance that you will keep this secret to yourself.
>
>With that last statement, Bill Gates quickly disappeared. He was
>reportedly seen driving away at a high speed, apparently trying to escape
>any more prying questions from the media. And, so that pretty much
>concluded the meeting this morning. If we receive any further information,
>we'll be sure to report it immediately.
>
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 11 Sep 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Microsoft and the Bavarian Illuminati
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Jeff H. Snider" <jeff@uunet.uu.net>
Forwarded-by: Nicole Gustas <Nicole_Gustas@dale-carnegie.com>
MICROSOFT AND THE BAVARIAN ILLUMINATI
"The chessboard is the world, the pieces are the phenomena of the
universe, the rules of the game are the laws of nature. The player
on the other side is hidden from us."
-- Thomas Henry Huxley
"In every grain of wheat there lies hidden the soul of a star."
-- Arthur Machen
"The Old Ones were, the Old Ones are and the Old Ones will be...
not in the spaces we know of, but _between_ them ... Yog-Sothoth
is the Gate."
-- Abd al-Hazred, _Al Azif_
"All perception is inferential; all inference uncertain; all
theory, a combination of perception and inference, is therefore
educated guessing."
-- de Selby, _Golden Hours_, I, 93
These days most people have heard of Microsoft Corporation, and its
founder Bill Gates. The majority of computers in use today use
Microsoft system software, and those that do not often run
applications from Microsoft. However, few people know the true story
behind the rise of Microsoft and even fewer suspect the terrible
cosmic secrets that are concealed beneath the facade of a successful
software company.
In the Object Linking and Embedding 2.0 Programmer's Reference there
is a very curious term. On page 78, the second paragraph starts with
the sentence, "In the aggregation model, this internal communication
is achieved through coordination with a special instance of IUnknown
interface known as the controlling unknown of the aggregate." The term
"controlling unknown" is a very interesting choice of words. It is not
the most intuitively obvious term for what it is describing (a base
class used for implementing an object-oriented data exchange/embedding
system).
A term strikingly similar to "controlling unknown" was the term
"unknown superiors", used by many occult secret societies. These
included the Strict Observance Masonic lodge, whose members were
sometimes referred to as "illuminati", and which had some connection
with Adam Weishaupt's order. "Unknown superiors" is a term that refers
to non-corporeal or superhuman agencies in command of secret societies
or mystery cults. Such an agency is frequently known as the "inner
head" of an order of organisation, as opposed to the outer head, who
is human.
Organisations that claimed or were claimed to be commanded by such
"unknown superiors" include the Ordo Templi Orientis of Aleister
Crowley and the Knights Templar, whose Inner Head was apparently a
being named Baphomet.
Apart from the term "controlling unknown", another hint at the secrets
behind Microsoft is the fact that Microsoft Windows has a limit of
five window device contexts. Five is a decidedly odd number for such
an application, being neither a power of two nor one less than a power
of two, but let us not forget Adam Weishaupt's discovery of the Law of
Fives in the Necronomicon*.
Few people for sure how many buildings there are in the Microsoft
campus in Redmond, WA. No maps of the entire facility are known to
exist. Some Microsoft employees put the estimate at six or three. An
article in an Australian newspaper has claimed that there are 22
buildings. That is partly true; however, there is another building,
hidden from the public and even from most Microsoft employees. The
twenty-third building, or Building 7, is pentagonal in shape; its
exact location is known only to five people (of whom Bill Gates may be
one), however it is believed that the building is accessible from
elsewhere in the Microsoft campus by a secret passage.
What is in the five sided building is not known. However, it is
believed that the contents of Building 7 are of a supernatural nature.
Apart from the Pentagon, there was a similar five-sided building in
Nazi Germany. This has been carefully kept hidden from the public. One
hypothesis is that Building 7 is inhabited by, or used to communicate
with, the Inner Head, or "controlling unknown". The identity of the
Outer Head is unknown. Bill Gates may be the Outer Head, a high
initiate of the conspiracy or just a figurehead whose purpose it is to
divert attention.
To fully understand this history, or whatever of it may be understood
by human minds, one must have some knowledge of the history and
origins of the Illuminati. Little is known about the Illuminati, but
what is known is that the Illuminati can be definitely traced back to
1776.
On Walpurgis night 1776, five men met in a cavern deep beneath
Ingolstadt, Bavaria. There they invoked some sort of supernatural
beings and made contact with the Unknown Superiors. The following day,
one of these five men proclaimed the foundation of the Ancient
Illuminated Seers of Bavaria, using the name "Adam Weishaupt", which
means "the first man to know the Superiors".
Although the Illuminati were officially disbanded in 1785, they did
not disappear; throughout the past 200 years, they have been observing
the profane world carefully, and occasionally intervening (as they did
in Sarajevo in 1914, St. Petersburg in 1917, Manhattan in 1929 (to
divert attention from a rather unpleasant affair off the coast of New
England) and Dallas in 1963 to name a few cases. Their contacts with
the Unknown Superiors continued in specially constructed buildings,
originally in Germany but later in Washington. During the 1920s and
1930s there occurred a potential problem; a young writer named Howard
Phillips Lovecraft published many stories which contained allegories
to Illuminated history (for example, Joseph Curwen's invocation of
"Yogge-Sothothe" in an underground complex in the 18th century). It is
believed that Lovecraft's father was a Grand Orient Freemason. The
Illuminati, however, persuaded Lovecraft to join their cause and faked
his death in 1937 (Have you ever wondered why his grave is not
marked?) Another incident occurred on October 21, 1967, when
occultists attempted to "raise" the Pentagon; they were given
permission to approach it but prevented from completely encircling it.
However, in 1975, a crisis developed that threatened the very
foundation of the Illuminati.
A book, claiming to be a fantasy novel, appeared. This book was mostly
fiction; however, it hinted at the secrets of the Illuminati (even
going as far as using Lovecraft's term "Yog-Sothoth" for the Unknown
Superior). To this day it is not known whether the authors were
renegade Illuminati or whether the information was acquired from
informers within the organisation. The book was called Illuminatus!
Immediately, the Illuminati convened an emergency meeting in Cesme,
Turkey. There they discussed a contingency plan to restructure the
organisation and to move the Pentacle of Invocation to a new location.
They decided on setting up a small computer company in one of the
smaller cities of the United States as a front. That year, Microsoft
Corporation was founded.
But why did the Illuminati select a software company and not, say, a
company that manages investments or makes kitchen appliances? The
answer lies in symbolism (Perhaps because of their invlovement in
mystick arts such as the Cabala, the Illuminati have always had an
affinity for symbolism). There is a recurring legend about a device in
the form of a human head which could answer yes/no questions (some
link this device to the Knights Templar and their god Baphomet; others
claim that Pope Sylvester, who lived in the tenth century, brought
such an object back from India, where he met the "Nine Unknown Men").
This device is extremely suggestive of a computer of some sort, and if
it did exist in anything more than hermetic allegory, it could not
have been manufactured by any human civilisation of the time whose
existence is known. Hence, the Illuminati decided to use a computer
company as a front.
It has been already speculated that the name of the founder, Bill
Gates, is a code much as "Adam Weishaupt" was a code. Apart from being
the name of a magician in Aleister Crowley's novel, "Moonchild", Gates
is a reference to the Unknown Superior and the gateway between
ordinary reality and the Invisible World; Lovecraft himself referred
to Yog-Sothoth as "the Gateless Gate". By the same token, IBM can be
said to stand not for "International Business Machines" but rather for
"Iacobus Burgundus Molensis", or Jacques de Molay, the last overt
Grand Master of the Knights Templar, whose name was borrowed by the
Bavarian Illuminati for one of their ciphers. One must also not forget
that a Microsoft network administration tool currently under
development is named Hermes, after the god of alchemy, and that a line
in Umberto Eco's novel, _Foucault's Pendulum_ reads, quite clearly,
"Microsoft-Hermes".
UN-authorised CAPITALISATION and DISSOCIATION of this IMPORTANT
INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
______________________________________________________________
* Some sources claim that the copy of the Necronomicon which Adam
Weishaupt owned was the von Junzt German translation; this, however,
is unlikely, as von Junzt lived in the nineteenth century. The
Necronomicon involved was probably either Olaus Wormius' Latin edition
or the original Arabic, as the details of the illustrations would
attest.
[Wow! They're on to us! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 12 Sep 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Microsoft settles India Map controversy
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Dekorte <dekorte@marble.com>
Forwarded-by: Sriram Kalyanasundaram <sriram@marble.com>
NEW DELHI, Sept. 9 (UPI) -- The Indian launch of U.S.-based Microsoft's
new Windows '95 computer system has been cleared following objections over
a map in the software that shows part of the country lying inside
neighboring Pakistan, reports said Saturday.
New Delhi approved Windows '95 after Microsoft Corporation withdrew the
controversial map and apologized to the Indian government, the Asian Age
newspaper said. The map appears as part of a time zone feature in the
software.
The border between the two countries has been a sensitive issue since
the 1965 Indo-Pakistani War in which Islamabad's troops occupied a portion
of the mountainous Kashmir region.
"The Jammu and Kashmir border was not accurate and a large portion was
depicted as Pakistani territory," a senior Home Ministry official said.
"We are remanufacturing the package for the Indian market in which the
map does not appear at all," Hemant Sharma, technical manager for
Microsoft, said.
Future packets distributed elsewhere will not carry the map, Sharma
said.
Microsoft is not the first foreign company to be the subject of such a
controversy. Recently, Atlanta-based Cable News Network's launch in India
attracted the ire of many Indians when a weather map contained the same
error.
While the United Nations considers Kashmir -- currently divided among
India, Pakistan and China -- as disputed territory, India claims
sovereignty over the region and accuses Pakistan of illegally occupying its
territory.
"It is a serious issue for the government," an official said.
The Indian government has a policy of banning the sale of publications
in India that show any part of Kashmir under Pakistani or Chinese control.
In the past, New Delhi has prohibited book sales carrying such maps,
including Encyclopedia Britannica.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 20 Aug 95 3:20:03 EDT
From: wutka@netcom.com (Mark Wutka)
Subject: ORIGINAL: Win '95 advertising
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Top 10 Rolling Stones songs that would be more appropriate than
"Start Me Up" for the Windows '95 commercial
10. Just My Imagination
9. I'm Going Down
8. Let It Bleed
7. Gimme Shelter
6. Bitch
5. Shattered
4. Play With Fire
3. (I can't get no) Satisfaction
2. You Can't Always Get What you Want
... and the number one.. one.. one..
1. 19th Nervous Breakdown
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 18:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Or is it merely a coincidence?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: tom@ssd.csd.harris.com (Tom Horsley)
Newsgroups: comp.os.ms-windows.nt.misc
It's August, and two new consumer products are becoming generally
available for the first time this month:
* Windows 95 - the new operating system from Microsoft
* Tagamet - the (formerly prescription) heartburn & ulcer drug
Is this timing only a coincidence? You decide...
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 3 Sep 1995 20:54:15 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: quote without comment
To: yucks
----Forwarded----
From: simpsonm@panix.com (Matthew Simpson)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.howard-stern
Subject: Re: IBM to stop selling o/s2 to only commercial accounts
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 1995 20:27:33 GMT
rocket@primenet.com (Rocket Scientist) wrote:
>does this mean howard was wrong and IBM is saying uncle?
Hey, I'm a newbie. I know if I type WIN, Windows will run. But how
come OS/2 doesn't run when I type LOSE?
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 7 Sep 95 22:21:51 -0400
From: dcl@home.dcl.columbia.edu (Don Lanini)
Subject: Tears on my window (Windows95)
To: spaf
Having the TV on in the background I hear the media blitz for Windows95 come on
from time to time. I'm not sure what the rest of the country gets, but in New
York, its the Stones Song with the words:
If you start me up, if you start me up I'll never stop.
It only took a couple of listenings to realize that they never let the song go
to the chorus:
You make a grown man cry....
Are they trying not to tell us something?
Don Lanini
Columbia University Academic Information Services (AcIS)
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 18 Aug 95 12:20:02 EDT
From: fritzson@susq.com (Richard Fritzson)
Subject: TOPICAL & ORIGINAL Re: Win 95 advertising campaign
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
I came home last night and reported to my wife that Microsoft had just paid
millions of dollars for the rights to use a Rolling Stones song in their new
Windows 95 advertising campaign.
Her immediate response was: Must be "Can't get no satisfaction.".
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 03 Sep 1995 17:49:00 GMT
From: William@genius.demon.co.uk (William Tunstall-Pedoe)
Subject: Top Ten Anagrams of "Microsoft Windows Ninety-Five"
To: spaf
[ For consideration for the Yucks digest ]
Top Ten Anagrams for "Microsoft Windows Ninety-Five"
10) View mediocrity, now sniff snot!
9) I'm iffy new twit DOS conversion.
8) Wow! I'm fine front-end viscosity.
7) Nifty MSDOS review now fiction.
6) Distinct wormy offensive wino.
5) Nonconformity views die swift.
4) New now-nicer DOS? Its iffy vomit!
3) Sniff tycoon interview wisdom.
2) Fiery down-town novice misfits.
And the number one anagram for "Microsoft Windows Ninety-Five"...
1) OS Environment CD. Wow, it is iffy!
Produced using Anagram Genius, http://www.demon.co.uk/genius/ag.htm
(C)1995 W.Tunstall-Pedoe, william@genius.demon.co.uk
Permission is given to freely copy this file in its unaltered form.
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Win95=Mac87 shirts....
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "Chuck Yerkes" <yerkes_chuck@jpmorgan.com>
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 21:46:49 -0400 (EDT)
From: Martin Focazio <marty@okc.com>
Occasionally, as the owner of the leased line connecting this list to the
universe, I take it upon myself to use this platform as an area to
pontificate, ramble and now, hawk merchandise (at no profit to myself)
Announcing a cheap thrill.
I'm having more T-shirts made up at the shop around the corner.
They say
Windows '95 = Macintosh '87
With a nice logo of each megalith.
Selling at cost.
I'm NOT making a profit. They'll be about 12-14 bucks, depending on the
size of the order. See http://www.okc.com/tshirt for a look at the art.
Reply to marty@okc.com
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 5 Sep 1995 09:48:18 -0500 (EST)
From: sundaram (Aurobindo Sundaram)
Subject: Win 95 jokes
To: coast-students, spaf (Prof. Eugene H. Spafford)
------- start of forwarded message (RFC 934 encapsulation) -------
> Windows: Just another pain in the glass
> Double your drive-space: delete Windows !
> Ever noticed how fast Windows runs ? Neither did I !
> Windows: Turn your Pentium into an XT ...
> Windows: The Gates of hell
> Windows - The colorful clown suit for DOS
> Windows'95 is out! (PC Magazine, April 2013)
> MS-Windows could use yet another liposuction
> Windows: XT emulator for an AT
> Windows is for fun, OS/2 is for getting things done
> OS/2 VirusScan -- "Windows found: Remove it? [Y,n]"
> Windows'95: New look, same multicrashing
> Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something
> Help! There are Windows everywhere! In my car, my house
> MicroSoft's marketing: "Windows is SEMI-shareware"
> Windows: From the people who brought you EDLIN !
> Time on your hands ? Get Windows !
> "Fer sail cheep, Windows spel chekcer, wurks grate"
> Microsoft Windows ... a virus with mouse support
> Microsoft gives you Windows ... OS/2 gives you the whole house
> Newsflash: Microsoft announces Visual Edlin for Windows
> Sorry, this virus requires MicroSoft Windows 3.x
> A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle
> Are you using Windows or is that just an XT ?
> Bang on the LEFT side of your computer to restart Windows
> Beat me, whip me, make me use Windows !
> Breaking Windows isn't just for kids anymore ...
> Bugs come in through open Windows
> Coming soon: EDLIN for Windows
> DOS 6.0 and Windows 3.1 - A turtle and its shell
> DOS is just an operating system that runs Windows 3.1
> Data to Picard: "No, Captain, I do NOT run WINDOWS !"
> Despite my car having windows, it still isn't mouse driven !
> Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail
> Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance
> Error 005: Windows loading - come back tomorrow
> Exhibitionists love Windows
> Father, forgive me, I've been caught using Windows ...
> Have you crashed your Windows today ?
> I can't wait for EDLIN to be ported for Windows
> I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better
> I'll never forget the 1st time I ran Windows, but I'm trying ...
> If I wanted Windows, I'd live in a greenhouse !
> If Windows is user-friendly, why do you need a 678-page manual ?
> If Windows sucked it would be good for something
> Masochist: Windows programmer with a smile !
> My latest screen saver: Curtains for Windows
> New Windows 4.0: programmed in Turbo Logo++
> New from McAfee: WinScan - Removes all Windows programs
> OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates
> Out of disk space - Delete Windows ? [Y]es [H]ell yes!
> Relax ... you are entering a windows free zone
> Some windows were made to be broken
> Windows - so intuitive you only need a meg of help files !
> Windows 3.1 - The best $89 solitaire game you can buy
> Windows 3.1 vs OS/2 = Michael Jackson vs Mike Tyson
> Windows95 will be released as soon as Windows 3.1 finishes loading
> Windows Multitasking: screwing up several things at once
> Windows NT: Nice Try
> Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty
> Windows - A solitaire game that requires 16 MB and HD
> Windows has the ability to screw up 2 things at the same time !
> Windows ? We don't need no stinking Windows !
>
>
> "TOP SECRET"
>
>
>
>
> /*
> TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) Code
> Project: Chicago(tm)
>
> Projected release-date:
>
> Summer 1994^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HSpring 1995
>
> */
>
> #include
> #include
> #include
> #include "win31.h"
> #include "evenmore.h"
> #include "oldstuff.h"
> #include "billrulz.h"
>
>
> /*
> Reference:
> Internal memo #99281-95 from:
> William H. Gates III
> to:
> Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
>
> William H. Gates III wrote:
> "I have serious doubts about the 'EASY' installation-definition.
> It might prevent customers to think that they actually bought something
> _good_. Therefore I want the installation-definition to be 'HARD'.
>
>
> Carry on,
> God^H^H^HBill
> "
> */
> #define INSTALL = HARD
>
> void main()
> {
> while(!CRASHED)
> {
> display_copyright_message();
> display_bill_rules_message();
> do_nothing_loop();
> if(first_time_installation)
> {
> make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
> do_nothing_loop();
> totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
> search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
> hang_system();
> }
> write_something(anything);
> display_copyright_message();
> do_nothing_loop();
> do_some_stuff();
> if(still_not_crashed)
> {
> display_copyright_message();
> do_nothing_loop();
> basically_run_windows_3.1();
> do_nothing_loop();
> do_nothing_loop();
> }
> }
>
> /*
> Reference:
> Internal memo #99683-95 from:
> Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project
> to:
> William H. Gates III
>
> Executive managers Chicago(tm)-project wrote:
> "Dear Sir,
> Since we have found that this last piece of code within the 'if'-statement
> will never execute, we descided NOT to include it in the final code.
> This way we will save atleast another 5 megabytes of consumer-diskspace!
>
> Thank you for listening to us,
> the executive managers of the Chicago(tm)-project
> "
> */
> /*
> if(still_not_crashed)
> {
> write_cheer();
> finished();
> }
> */
> create_general_protection_fault();
> }
> --------
> Is Windows a virus?
>
> No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
>
> 1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
>
> 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
> as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
>
> 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
> Windows does that, too.
>
> 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
> programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
>
> 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
> slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
> Windows, too.
>
> Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
> differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
> running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
> efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
> mature.
>
> So, Windows is *not* a virus.
>
------------------------------
Date: 24 Aug 1995 10:03:30 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: Windows 95 Joke
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
Considering how much disk space is required to run Windows 95, it is
now known as "Hoggin'-DOS"
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------