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Yucks Digest V5 #25 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Sun, 8 Oct 95 Volume 5 : Issue 25
Today's Topics:
administrivia
***40% off any type of Coins****
...that was a very bad hair year.
.signature of the day
Anyone for pizza ...?
Architext (OK, maybe they're okay after all...)
A Texas Song
Big Centurian Ooopsie [Urban legend of the Week?]
Disgusting joke
Disney and ABC Shows
Dr. Crawford to the Soap-down Room, stat.
For Yucks - Chicken rescue gone amuck
It's not nice to play with the AOL'ers.
JOTD
Limit your use of ... lighter fluid.
Love's Labour With Wife, 17, Puts Man in Hospital
moose
More Colliding Cultures
Most pessimistic Perl question ever
OK, we can all go home now.
Online calendar.
placing workstations in particle accelerators ... causes data loss
QOTD
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
quotes from "UNIX Haters Handbook" (fwd)
Reminder: Group meeting tomorrow
Sheep and Goats in Mass Suicide in Lake
soc.motss.grammarians
The Elephant Man
Well, thanks... I think.
While Simba and his father ... [are] ever so slightly *slow*. (2 msgs)
Why the Roman Empire Fell.
Yee-haw, campaign contribution, and yes.
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun Oct 8 13:26:57 EST 1995
From: spaf
Subject: administrivia
To: Yucksters
It's been quite a while since I last issued a Yucks digest. Sorry.
Last time I sent one out, I indicated I was reserving my writing time
for the rewrite of "Practical Unix Security." Well, the book is
almost done: we turned in a mostly complete draft to the editor last
week, and now we're doing some touch up, and writing the last couple
of chapters. From a modest rewrite, it's grown into an 850+ page
behemoth, to be entitled "Practical Unix and Internet Security."
Watch for it in January, from O'Reilly.
Whew! Anyhow, I've spent a couple of days trying to get caught up on
the rest of life before I finish those few chapters. I thought it
might be a good time to do a Yucks digest. So, here's one. Another
should follow in about 10 days, after I get back from the NISS
conference in Baltimore. Then, maybe two issues a week until we get a
little caught up on the submission backlog.
As to the mailing list software switchover, well, in two months the
staff here still hasn't managed to install anything that I can use.
So, we're stuck with the current system for a while longer.
In closing, a little note for those of you who crave yet more humor in
electronic form. For several years now, many people on the net have
enjoyed getting selections from Henry Cate's "Life" humor collection.
This is a mailing list he compiles with funny items taken from dozens of
sources. Recently, he issued the whole collection of digests
on recorded media. You can get a copy for about $20. For more
infomation, you can contact Henry with e-mail to life@netcom.com with
"info" in the subject. Or check out:
http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
------------------------------
Date: 25 Jul 1995 03:40:24 GMT
From: diamond@jrd.dec.com (Norman Diamond)
Subject: ***40% off any type of Coins****
Newsgroups: rec.collecting.coins
In article <pLHi5GM.jm174@delphi.com>, jm174@delphi.com writes:
>I can get 40%off any coin,foreign or US through dealers across america. If u
>aare interested and a coin collector, EMAIL me at FEENOM@aol.com address.
>Aquestions are welcomed..Thanks
OK, I accept.
1. At the moment I would prefer the 100,000-yen gold coins commemorating
60 years of reign of the previous emperor, Showa. Uncirculated coins dated
Showa 61 (1986) are offered by dealers for 103,000 yen at shows. I would
like 20 of these coins at 40% off. I'll pay cash.
But in case you can't do that, you can do the next.
2. My second choice is US quarter dollars, circulated and/or uncirculated,
dates of your choice in the range 1965 to 1995. Banks in the US offer these
coins at 25 cents each. I would like 100,000 of these coins at 40% off.
I'll pay cash.
Will be glad to do business with you. Thank you for your posting.
-- Norman Diamond diamond@jrd.dec-j.co.jp
[Speaking for Norman Diamond not for Digital.]
--
<< If this were the company's opinion, I would not be allowed to post it. >>
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 04 Aug 95 13:39:16 -0400
From: Jason Yanowitz <yanowitz@eternity.cs.umass.edu>
Subject: ...that was a very bad hair year.
To: spaf
yoyodyne has a running contest, (what was your worst ___ ), and the
prize-winning entry for "What was your worst hair experience?" is,
well, prize-winning:
My worst bad hair experience was when I was about 8. (This was before
seatbelts and highway safety considerations.) My family and I were
driving back from an amusement park. It was summer time and hot, so I
was hanging my head out the car window from the back seat. We were on
a highway, blasting along at 55 mph or more. My father smoked and
usually tossed his cigarette out the window. Now, my mother had
sprayed hairspray on my hair that day, and since I had been running
around and riding rides and sweating, the hair spray had settled into
the part in my hair, running straight through the middle. Here I am,
an 8 year old kid, hanging my head out a car window, the wind wipping
my hair everywhere, when suddenly a cigarette butt hits me in the
middle of the forehead and and gets tangled up in my hair. I quickly
pulled my head back in, but my hair was such a mess from hairspray and
wind that I couldn't find the cigarette. I eventually forgot about it
and fell asleep. About 10 minutes later, I begin to smell something
burning. Suddenly my mother is screaming and my father pulls the car
over. My mother begins to hit me on the head with her big purse. I
have no idea what is going on and begin to cry.
To make a long story short, the cigarette had become trapped in my
hair and slowly smoldered. It caught the hairspray on fire and soon my
head was smoking. My mother's attempts to put out my head left me with
a black eye. When we got home, I discovered I had a burnt spot right
on top of my head about the size of a grapefruit. School was starting
the next week, so I had to start third grade with a big burn mark on
my head and a black eye. It took the hair forever to grow in.
That was a very bad hair year.
(Go to http://www.yoyo.com/ for more information on this and the
other winners).
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 7 Aug 95 14:10 EDT
From: lda@research.att.com
Subject: .signature of the day
To: spaf
I spotted this .signature today.
NSA: plutonium Mossad NSA Panama Croatian Qaddafi domestic disruption
munitions Noriega jihad Honduras NORAD genetic DES [Hello to all my
fans in domestic surveillance]
This message copyright (c) Roland Pleasant Dunkerley III rolandd@swn.com
<A HREF="http://www.cdt.org/petition.html">Petition to Help keep FCC away
from inet!</A> Distribution of this article via Microsoft Network requires
payment of a $1.00(US) per character per copy license fee.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 13:05:46 +1000
From: Jeremy Bishop <jeremyb@auug.org.au>
Subject: Anyone for pizza ...?
To: spaf
_Pizza worker kneaded to death in dough mixer_
JERUSALEM, Aug 2 (Reuter) - An Israeli soldier on leave from
combat duty met his end at Jerusalem's Mystic Pizza when he was
sucked into a giant dough mixer and kneaded to death, police
said on Wednesday.
Twenty-one year-old Moshe Dor-On was due to be discharged
from the army within days and was working at the restaurant
following combat duty in South Lebanon.
A co-worker at the Mystic Pizza said Dor-On had reached into
the mixer to pull up dough from the bottom when he was sucked in
and crushed. Police launched an investigation.
[Follow-up: after much investigation, it has been determined that
the resultant pizza is not kosher. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Architext (OK, maybe they're okay after all...)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
These people have a sense of humor. They offer a service that
generates MarketingSpeak (TM) at the click of a button. See
http://www.atext.com/cgi/aimarket.
Examples:
Using groundbreaking fuzzy logic techniques, Architext has built
multimedia engines for enterprise engines. Architext is a corporate
leader in offering parallel solutions in an enabling enterprise.
Architext offers corporate agents for client-server suites in a
mission-critical workplace.
Architext is a world-wide expert in providing multimedia turnkey
comprehensive products in a distributed enterprise for client-server
architectures. Architext delivers interoperable solutions in an
empowering environment for enabling technologies. Using revolutionary
fractal compression methods and groundbreaking case-based reasoning
protocols, Architext has designed intuitive architectures for online
solutions.
Using groundbreaking fractal compression techniques, Architext has
developed turnkey distributed solutions for high-speed engines.
Architext provides enterprise technologies for empowering products.
Architext is an industry expert in developing productivity-enhancing
agents in a multi-platform environment.
[Didn't I see some of this in a Windows 95 ad? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 1995 14:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A Texas Song
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: wendy_nather@il.us.swissbank.com (Wendy Nather)
Forwarded-by: nather@astro.as.utexas.edu (Ed Nather)
To the tune of "Are You Sleeping" (i.e., "Brother John"
or "Fr. Jacques").
Are you angry, are you angry,
Billy Jack? Billy Jack?
Go and get your shotgun
Go and get your shotgun
Pay them back,
Pay them back.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 19:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Big Centurian Ooopsie [Urban legend of the Week?]
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: anneli@sybase.com (Anneli Meyer)
Forwarded-by: gsmith Fri Aug 4 13:02:34 1995
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 95 12:49:22 PDT
From: risa (Momcat)
Subject: what *really* happened to jesus
I came across this item whilst cruising the lonely planet postcards
section:
Among the lesser-known attractions in Aomori, Japan, can be counted
the Grave of Christ - yes, Jesus Christ - who supposedly came here
after his brother was mistakenly crucified in his place. He remained
here until his death at the ripe old age of 106, and his descendants
still live in the same village of Shingo. There is an annual festival
celebrating this historic event - the Kiristo Matsuri.
Suzan Last (12/94)
Amazing. Are there any reports of people ordering sushi, futomaki
perhaps, and discovering that it resembles the face of Jesus?
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 95 5:30:01 EDT
From: tatiana@gas.uug.arizona.edu (Tatiana A Covington)
Subject: Disgusting joke
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Q. What goes Plop plop mommy mommy fizz fizz?
A. Susan Smith's kids.
I ***DARE*** you to publish that bit of awfulness.
[Dare taken. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 07 Aug 1995 09:25:38 -0700
From: ric@visigenic.com (Ric Forrester)
Subject: Disney and ABC Shows
To: spaf
>TOP TEN DISNEY/ABC SHOWS THIS FALL:
>(by Ted Kopulos, San Jose, CA)
>
>
>10. Lois and Duck: The New Adventures of Huey, Louie and Dewey
>
>9. Roseanne and the Seven Dwarves
>
>8. ABC Monday Night Football, with Frank, Pinocchio and Jiminy
>
>7. Goofy Morning, America
>
>6. All My Dalmatians
>
>5. Hangin' with Mr. Eisner
>
>4. Grace Under Pluto
>
>3. 20/20 and the Beast
>
>2. Home Improvementland
>
>and the number one Disney/ABC show this fall . . .
>
>
>1. NYPD Pooh
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 1995 10:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Dr. Crawford to the Soap-down Room, stat.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
[ from the The Annals of Improbable Research (AIR) ]
[ Issue Number 1995-03, March, 1995, ISSN 1076-500X ]
1995-03-03 In Defense of Cindy Crawford
We must rise to defend the honor of a noted researcher, Cindy Crawford.
In mini-AIR 1995-02 we announced the premiere of the new AIR column "Cindy
Crawford Discovers," which reports on the scientific efforts and
achievements of supermodel Cindy Crawford (and her ilk) as documented in
research journals such as "Vogue," "Cosmopolitan," "Elle," etc.
The following day we received an inquiry from the magazine "Entertainment
Weekly," seeking an advance copy of the first column. We duly faxed a copy
of the column, which concerns Cindy Crawford's recent achievements in
chemistry.
A day later, Entertainment Weekly's editors informed us that they consider
Cindy Crawford's scientific achievements "too insubstantial" to report.
We must take exception. In our view, Crawford's lack of a Ph.D. in no way
disqualifies her from conducting research with shampoos. To see this, one
need look no further than her report concerning "a patented outrageous
formula... enriched with pro-vitamin B5, silk protein and moisture-binding
silicone." (The full text of Crawford's paper appears on page 11 of the
January, 1995 issue of the research journal "Vogue.")
[It's probably still not enough for tenure, though. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 01 Aug 95 14:23:16 PDT
From: Vern Paxson <vern@ee.lbl.gov>
Subject: For Yucks - Chicken rescue gone amuck
To: spaf
CAIRO, Egypt (Reuter) - Six people, including four from the
same family, drowned when they jumped into a well to save a
chicken, the newspaper al-Ahram reported Tuesday.
The daily said the chicken fell into a farmer's well in the
village of Nazlet Emara in Sohag province. The farmer's
18-year-old son quickly dived in to try to save it but slipped
and drowned.
His two brothers and sister, aged 20, 16 and 14
respectively, jumped in one after the other to save the animal
but all met the same fate, the paper added.
Two neighbors who came to the siblings' rescue also drowned.
A police team that removed the corpses from the well found the
chicken alive and floating in the water.
Al-Ahram did not say when the incident took place.
[And people wonder what happened to Super Chicken after his
TV show was cancelled... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 14:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: It's not nice to play with the AOL'ers.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Rob Mayoff <mayoff@tkg.com>
Forwarded-by: pete@mudhead.uottawa.ca (Pete Hickey)
In article <3u6moi$sn2@newsbf02.news.aol.com>,
foo <bar@aol.com> wrote:
>
> I have noticed that some postings are disappearing faster than
> others. Why is that and who decides?
>
It's the size of the article. You see, the articles are stored on
disk. An article is encoded in things known as 'bits' which are
written on the disk. A disk is a rotating platter. As anyone knows
centrifugal force will force anything off of a rotating surface.
As time goes on, the article moves closer and closer to the edge
of the disk, and finally, it flies right off. Of course, the larger
articles (more bits == more weight) tend to fly off faster.
Unix systems have something known as a "sticky bit" which can
help articles remain longer if it is set. Remember, USENET was
originally set up by Unix people, and they knew what they were doing.
On the other hand, some systems have their own rules, and you might
get a better (or at least more correct) answer by asking the
people who administer your machine.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 1995 12:06:53 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
One day, a marketing guy came in to sit in a technical meeting.
As he marched into the room, the chairman of the meeting walked
up close to him and carefully undid his tie, saying "This is an
engineering meeting. You need the blood to flow to your head".
-- From rec.humor.funny "True News"...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Limit your use of ... lighter fluid.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: eleta@hera.eecs.Berkeley.EDU
The Bay Area Air Quality Management District has notified the campus that
this weekend, ozone levels could exceed the state and national
standards.
When air quality is poor, the District calls a "Spare the Air" day. On
those days, we encourage you to limit your smog-causing activities.
* Use your automobiles as little as possible and link your errands when
you do.
* Shop in the evening if possible.
* Don't run two-stroke gasoline engines (leaf-blowers, lawn mowers,
recreational boats).
* If you have a lung or heart problem, don't do rigorous exercise in the
afternoon hours.
* Limit your use of aerosol products, oil-based paints, and lighter fluid.
If you want to find out about other things you can do to help the air,
contact Berkeley TRiP at 643-7665 for more information. Thanks!
++++++++++++++++++
Treacy H. Malloy (GET READY!!!)
Administrative Analyst
Office of Emergency Preparedness
[If you are planning arson, please wait until the alert is over. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 95 01:02 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Love's Labour With Wife, 17, Puts Man in Hospital
To: spaf
KUWAIT, July 31 (Reuter) - A man was rushed to hospital with back pain
and exhaustion after making love to his 17-year-old wife six times a day in
the week after their wedding, a Kuwaiti newspaper reported on Monday.
"He was pale and powerless and could not speak," al-Watan said, adding
the man had to be carried to an ambulance on the shoulders of friends. The
couple had chosen to spend the honeymoon in his apartment.
"He felt dizzy and had excruciating pain in his back, and then collapsed
in the living room," it reported. It did not give the couple's nationality
or the man's age.
[Poor man must be unwell: needed medical attention after only a week of six
times a day? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 1995 16:53:04 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: moose
To: yucks
The Moose Song
When I'm in the mood for a very good lay,
I go to the closet and get some hay,
I go to the woods and I spread it around,
For the moose come out when there's hay on the ground.
And it's moose! moose! I want moose!
I have never had anything quite like a moose!
I've had men and women, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
When I was a young man I did it with girls,
I fondled their breasties and played with their curls,
But my true love ran off with a salesman named Bruce...
Now, I've never been treated like that by a moose.
Well, I've done it with all sorts of beasties with hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs weren't there,
I've done it with llamas and sheepdogs and goose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
Oh, gorillas are fun on a Saturday night,
And lions and tigers can put up a fight,
But it's not quite the same when I ram their caboose,
As the feeling I get when I hump on a moose.
Well, now that I'm old and advanced in my years,
When I look at my past I'll shed no tears,
As I sit in my rocker with a glass of Mateus,
Playing hide the salami with {Millie|Maxwell} the Moose!
(From message-id 37argj$gp9@harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au>, 10 Oct 1994
07:46:27 GMT, posted by acbul1@penfold.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak).)
[Somehow, I don't see this being a candidate for a CD of
"Golden Hits of the 90s". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 08:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: More Colliding Cultures
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: William_Krueger@dallas.csd.sterling.com
Forwarded-by: Anne Rhoades at CSDHQP01
So there's been this big tiff on austin.general about Spanish vs. Texan
pronunciation of street names with Mexican roots. One guy made a comment
about the fact that many US publications don't use the tilde (~) symbol
at all, which can result in totally different words. In particular, while
an~o means year, ano (without the tilde) means anus. So on January first,
the newspapers often wish him a Happy New Asshole.
[Well, if only the Mexican New Year corresponded with election day in the
US, the newspapers wouldn't need the tilde. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 1995 10:33:50 -0400
From: Eric Zundel Ayers <eric@uxeric.compgen.com>
Subject: Most pessimistic Perl question ever
To: spaf
This came off of comp.perl.misc.
Of course, to get it to work with your architecture, you'll have to
eventually update to 807201668.001 patchlevel q7...
From: orwant@fahrenheit-451.media.mit.edu (Jon Orwant)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.perl.misc
Date: 31 Jul 1995 15:03:40 GMT
Organization: Massachvsetts Institvte of Technology
Reply-To: orwant@media.mit.edu
The bestest Perl question I've ever been asked:
"Jon, I tried doing a
require time;
and Perl said,
Perl 807201668.000 required--this is only version 5.001.
...do I need to upgrade?"
[It helps to be a Perl geek to understand this one. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: OK, we can all go home now.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>
The World-Wide Web has reached its point of maximum evolution.
You can now use it to play Hunt the Wumpus.
Check out http://www.bu.edu/htbin/wcl.
Welcome to Wumpus Caves.
There are 5 players in the cave
I see a light.
You are in room 2
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 19:33:35 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Online calendar.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Chicago, Illionis:
Scientists have long suffered the reputation of being geeky. But a
soon-to-be-published calendar aims to change that.
Called -- no kidding -- "Studmuffins of Science," the 1996 calendar will
feature photos of the "dozen most delectable doctorates in science today,"
says Karen Hopkin, producer of the calendar.
The models, all male, are somewhat clothed in the pictures (one is
photographed in a swimsuit). They include professors and gradate students
from such universities as Cornell, Columbia and the University of Chicago,
as well as researchers from industry. They were selected based on
appearence from a pool of hundreds who either nominated themselves or were
nominated by others in reponse to postings on the Internet.
The models were photographed doing athletic activities like running,
skating and biking. Smaller photos show researchers at work in their
labs, and biographical blurbs list such details as "favorite subatomic
particle" and "favorite bacterium."
Hopkins is spending her life savings to print 20,000 copies of the
calendar, which should be available in September by mail order and at some
university bookstores for about $15. It may not outsell calendars
featuring Hollywood hunks, but Hopkins says she already has 400 to 500
e-mail requests for calendars. And she is planning an encore: a 1997
calendar featuring Nobel laureates.
[Any Computer Scientists in this? I know I wasn't asked, but then there
is little question anyone would refer to me as a "studmuffin". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 10 Aug 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: placing workstations in particle accelerators ... causes data loss
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: "Bob Stratton" <strat@uu.net>
Forwarded-by: "Leonard N. Foner" <foner@media.mit.edu>
Forwarded-by: Rob Austein <sra@epilogue.com>
Improving available bandwidth is relatively easy. All you need to do is
buy a faster network. Reducing latency is somewhat harder -- there are
only two known ways to achieve this; either change the speed of light, or
move. Since placing workstations in particle accelerators has been known
to cause data loss, and since the second approach is in general contrary
to the philosphy of distributed systems, latency is increasingly becoming
the dominant factor in protocol performance.
-- Simon E. Spero, "Analysis of HTTP Performance problems"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cate3@netcom.com
Forwarded-by: LANDO::ARNOLD
The following note was found attached to one of the card catalog
terminals at Boston University's Mugar Library after the recent
holiday break:
You don't take LSD to expand your consciousness.
You take it to turn your toaster into a home entertainment center.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 05:50:04 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Today's quote is from _The Globe and Mail_ sporting news:
"The Fitness Bulletin reports that 'aside from brain and body damage,
boxing is a superb fitness sport.'"
[So is bungee jumping without a cord. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 8 Aug 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"Monday's Senior Clinic column did not mean to imply that drinking
Mennen Skin Bracer will cure perineal itch."
- The Ottawa Citizen corrects itself on the medical benefits of
after-shave lotion, August 24, 1994
Submitted by: Terry Labach <terry>
May. 8, 1995
[Nor does splashing it on the affected area, I would guess.
Note for speed-readers: the word "perineal" is used, and does
not mean "coming back every year." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 1995 15:28:29 -0600
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: quotes from "UNIX Haters Handbook" (fwd)
To: spaf
ORIGINALLY From Heidi.McClure@Central.Sun.COM Fri Jul 28 09:11:21 1995
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 1995 09:08:05 -0700 (MDT)
Forwarded message:
> <fowards removed>
>
> some Unix humor for friday,
>
> UNIX is computer scientology, not computer science.
>
> C++ is to C as Lung Cancer is to Lung
>
> If C gives you enough rope to hang yourself, then C++ gives you enough rope
> to bind and gag the neighborhood, rig the sails on a small ship, and still
> have enough rope to hang yourself from the yardarm.
>
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 95 19:30:03 EDT
From: leppik@seidel.ncsa.uiuc.edu (Peter Leppik)
Subject: Reminder: Group meeting tomorrow
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
[This is an announcement I sent to our research group yesterday]
Reminder: There is a group meeting tomorrow, Friday July 28th, at 11 AM, in
the usual place. Wai-Mo Suen will be speaking.
As you were probably unaware, Wai-Mo is a Mad Scientist masquerading as a
normal member of our group. At this group meeting, he will reveal his
Secret Plans for dominating the entire planet, proving once and for all
that he is an Evil Genius on par with the best. His strangely twisted
theories are far too unconventional to be accepted by the pathetic idiots
who pass themselves off as "scientists." Indeed, we can probably expect
Wai-Mo to treat us to a passionate speech ending with the phrase, "Fools!
I'll destroy you all!" (though Wai-Mo will probably say it with an accent).
The meeting will end when a muscular young man with an astonishing tan
breaks down the door to the meeting room, and destroys Wai-Mo's apparatus
of doom.
At tomorrow's group meeting, we will also learn the risks of describing the
topic of one's presentation as "To Be Announced."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 95 23:23 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Sheep and Goats in Mass Suicide in Lake
To: spaf
BEIJING (Reuter) - A herd of sheep and goats committed mass suicide in a
lake in Inner Mongolia, refusing to return to shore despite frantic efforts
by their Chinese shepherd to save them, Xinhua news agency said.
It all began when the shepherd drove his flock to a lake to drink on July
17 and two goats with an apparent death wish jumped into the 1.5-metre (5 ft)
deep water, prompting their fellows to follow, Xinhua said.
Only after a three-hour rescue aided by 20 herdsmen did the shepherd
succeed in saving 281 sheep while the other 249 animals, including 206 goats,
drowned.
[Maybe they heard the story of the chicken, but didn't quite get the
details correct. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 2 Aug 1995 15:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: soc.motss.grammarians
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: anneli@sybase.com (Anneli Meyer)
Seen over in soc.motss:
In article <3v2v7h$8ja@anarchy.io.com>, topman4u@io.com (Greg Havican)
wrote:
> Well, except for about two weeks ago when I had this really woofy
> strawberry blond otter over to the house [...]
... and thus commits a run-on sentence that goes on for 175 words,
19 commas, and one ellipses.
You realize, Greg, that the soc.motss.grammarians have dispatched
assassins to your house. Here's a hint -- next time someone knocks,
ask, "Who is it?" If they reply, "It is I." DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!
[Our zoo had a strawberry blond otter for a while, but it escaped.
Funny, I don't recall it going "woof". --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 31 Jul 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The Elephant Man
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: hitz@netapp.com (Dave Hitz)
From: mrsousa@aol.com (Mr Sousa)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.bodyart
Subject: Re: Penis Tattoo
Date: 25 Jul 1995 17:57:16 -0400
I own a video company that covers tattoo conventions and we just returned
from the Inkdependence Bash in Charlotte where we filmed a man with one of
the most unique tattoos we've ever seen - his pubic area is shaved and two
large elephant ears are tattooed there. The trunk, of course, is the
penis and is fully tattooed all of the way around, and on the head of the
penis, two nostrils are tattooed.
When questioned about the pain, he replied "it really wasn't that bad at
all." Of course as we all have learned in bodyarts, an area that is not
so painful for one person might be much more sensitive in another. Copies
of the video are available. E mail me if interested.
Mr. Sousa
[Yes, but does the video show him eating peanuts? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 12:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Well, thanks... I think.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
I actually think that television bears a much, much heavier blame (for
a sense of isolation) than the Internet. On the Internet, people are
talking to other individuals. With Television, you've got an entire
population narcotized by emanations from a central command point... The
Internet is like a sign of a bunch of zombies with salt in their mouths
and their lips sewn shut actually rising from the grave, vaguely sort of
patting one another... I think it's actually something of a positive
development.
-- Science fiction writer Bruce Sterling in Mondo 2000 magazine.
[Sounds more like my last high school reunion... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 3 Aug 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: While Simba and his father ... [are] ever so slightly *slow*.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Terry Labach <terry>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
By one of those curious twists of fate that make capitalism so
interesting, Disney, which distributed Priest -- and thereby moved loyal
wife Libby Dole to sell her stock in the company -- also made The Lion
King, which won Dole's approval as "friendly to the family." I don't
blame Dole a bit if he skipped this movie too, but in a desperate bid to
entertain my daughter during an endless city summer I sat through it
twice, and the only families it's friendly to are the Windsors and
Romanoffs. For some reason -- an overdose of Ralph Lauren? -- Disney saw
fit to make an elaborate multimillion-dollar animated feature that beneath
its pop trappings is a weirdly sincere defense of feudalism, primogeniture
and the divine right of kings.
As in Shakespeare, the social order reflects the natural order: When
Richard-the-Third-like Uncle Scar (you know he's bad because he's darker
than the other lions) usurps the crown, he lets the rabble -- hyenas --
overrun the lions' turf and destroy the environment, until young Simba
reclaims his father's throne and restores the eco-mystical circle of life:
i.e. the Great Chain of Being, with lions on top. It's all vaguely racist
-- those "underclass" hyenas, and did the wise old shaman, the only
character with an African accent, _have_ to be a baboon?
And it's definitely sexist: Simba's father is powerful, heroic, strong,
brave and sententious; his mother's a gentle nobody. (On the other hand,
at least he's got a mother; in most Disney cartoons, she's dead before
the story opens.) It's also anti-intellectual: The characters with quick
wits and big vocabularies are comic, lazy, cowardly or evil, while Simba
and his father are simple and true and straightforward, and ever so
slightly _slow_. It's brains versus brawn, urban versus rural, wily
Jew/homosexual/foreigner/black versus noble but dim _echt_ American. If
those are family values, no wonder SAT scores keep falling.
-- Katha Pollitt, on U.S. politician Robert Dole's claim that
the over-marketed Disney film The Lion King expressed
"family values".
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 4 Aug 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: While Simba and his father ... [are] ever so slightly *slow*.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: tooch@FirmWorks.COM (Mike Tuciarone)
Katha missed one of the better points: Uncle Scar is obviously gay.
SIMBA
Uncle Scar, you are so weird.
SCAR [archly]
You have *no* idea.
After all, why else is Scar (a bachelor male) still hanging around
the pride? Watch the flick; there are plenty of clues.
In fact, after being told that a protester had complained that Disney's
casts weren't diverse -- specifically, that there weren't enough gay
characters, Elton John remarked, "Oh, I don't know. I thought we had a
few in 'The Lion King.'"
"A few?" I caught Nathan Lane last night on Letterman; although not
an activist or in-your-face queer, he makes no effort to hide his
preferences when offstage... hmm, I'm starting to wonder about Timon
and Poomba.
And what about the hornbill?
This area is *ripe* for deconstruction...
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 1 Aug 1995 14:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Why the Roman Empire Fell.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.att.com
-- From an ad:
And today, Rogaine is as much a part of our culture as your
favorite Ziggy cartoon.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 9 Aug 1995 17:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@bsdi.com (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yee-haw, campaign contribution, and yes.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Representative Pat Schroeder was one of more than 12 Democrats who
objected to the hiring of a new protocol adviser by signing a letter
that asked that this "inappropriate, wasteful and embarrassing use of
funds" be prohibited. In a separate letter sent to Newt Gingrich,
Schroeder made clear her disapproval:
Now that we have our own Ms. Manners, maybe she can give
us some advice. What is the appropriate toast after
giving the wealthy a $240 billion tax cut? ... When dining
with the Speaker, should you present a book deal or a
campaign contribution first? ... Must Members of Congress
get permission from the National Rifle Association before
using the bathroom?
-- SF Chronicle/National Journal
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------