Yucks Digest V5 #22 (shorts)

Yucks Digest                Fri, 21 Jul 95       Volume 5 : Issue  22 

Today's Topics:
          ... and anyway the colours flake off in the bath.
          ... and are *much* less weird than psychologists.
             ... and the word "veranda" makes you laugh.
                             Awful Music
            Betcha didn't know the Chinese were Jewish...
                         Business Partnership
                            Car commercial
             Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for July 12, 1995
            From u.washington's grad school brochure (fwd)
                   FW: Silly comments on Apollo 13
                 Hey, man, you broke the President...
                        Holy Network, Batman!
                         Internet China-style
                            JOTD (2 msgs)
                  Just in case you weren't certain.
             Looking for Source Code copyright statements
                          Marriage mistake.
       Maybe Clinton should send Warren Christopher to Seattle.
                      Memory fault - core dumped
                        New problems with MH.
             No Question Too Dumb? Try These (for yucks)
               People with too much time on their hands
                     Protege vs Corolla vs Civic
                           Quote of the day
                             Radio Alibi
          Rush Limbaugh, unfortunately, wears a tinfoil hat.
                         Save the 2-year-olds
                      Signature line of the day
                         Songs of the Yankee
  The final test was to determine whether Twinkies are intelligent.
                         The last 10 things.
    Using the advanced storage technology available to the NSA ...
                     WhiteBoardness July 19, 1995
                 Wow, nice fire...lots of smoke, too!
                      Wow, that's a lot of data
                 You have to admit it takes balls...
                     Yucks Digest V5 #21 (shorts)

The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present

Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 18:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and anyway the colours flake off in the bath.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Dan Wallach <dwallach@CS.Princeton.EDU>
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)

From: Lloyd Wood <wood@email.enst.fr>


1.  Solly, we no speek Englees.
2.  'Wierd'? What's that?
3.  I don't think they accept international subscriptions.
4.  It's banned in this country as seditious.
5.  Down with American cultural imperialism!
6.  Computers? Go away and leave me alone.
7.  Oh, the thing for protogeeks who aspire to be geeks.
8.  It's deliberately designed to be unreadable.
9.  It's old news, and anyway the colours flake off in the bath.
10. The online version at http://www.wired.com/Etext/ is cheaper.
    It's also far more readable, even in netscape, apart from the actual


1.  You *will* speak American!
2.  You are *already* a member of the postliterate generation!
3.  You will be assimilated!
4.  Your political regime will collapse under pressure from usenet!
5.  Your country already depends on American software!
6.  Your kind cannot attract mates on IRC and will become extinct!
7.  Bill Gates is sexier than you! You suck!
8.  You have not won any design awards!
9.  You're in denial! We have your subscriber data!
10. Just because we've been hoist by our own flagwaving
    information-wants-to-be-free electronic-distribution-waving petard
    doesn't mean we're going to tell our buying masses about *that*.

The above top ten lists are Copyright (C) Lloyd Wood, 1995.
Reprint rights negotiable. Drop dead, Microsoft Network.


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 12:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and are *much* less weird than psychologists.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: lawrence@clark.net (Lawrence Watt-Evans)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
Subject: Re: Harlan Ellison's Xenogenesis

>>> Well, anyway, sf fandom behaves better in hotels than New York police.
>>> -- 
>>> Arthur D. Hlavaty             hlavaty@panix.com
>> And a *D*MN* sight better tyhan Navy Aviators On Parade
> I've been assured by hotel managers that sf fans behave better than
> most conventioneers, and are _much_ less weird than psychologists.
> - Stephen Dedman

Yeah, but we don't spend enough money.

I heard the following comments quoted from a hotel staff member:  "Well,
you don't smash the TVs or throw whores out the windows, but you don't
tip, either."

He couldn't decide which was preferable, the SF fans who don't tip, or
the Republican National Committee that throws whores out the window.

As for psychologists, some friends of mine in college got temporary work
helping the university host the Association of Humanist Psychologists.
These friends of mine were con-going SF fans.  They were SERIOUSLY weirded
out; the AHP was MUCH stranger than anything they'd ever found in fandom.
At least one of them was outright terrified.

I have heard (but cannot document) that when someone did a survey of
psychologists asking why they first got into the field, the most common
response was, "I started studying psychology in hopes of finding out
what's wrong with me."


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 15:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and the word "veranda" makes you laugh.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Peter Langston <psl@acm.org>
Forwarded-by: b-herman@uchicago.edu (Greyshadow)
From: CamSteph@aol.com

No wonder you can't take the heat.  Here's something for you to try, just
'cause I like the way you sit a horse:


Muddle (that means crush the shit out of) 12 mint leaves with 2 teaspoons
of sugar and a splash of water.  Then fill the glass with crushed
(pulverized) ice.  Top with 2 ounces of bourbon (or Crown Royal, if
there's any left).  Stir.  Drink three at a time on the sun porch while
trying to fit four syllables into "veranda."  Crushing all those things
calms you down, drinking them soothes your fevered brow, and the word
"veranda" makes you laugh, thereby restoring your good humor.


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 11:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Awful Music
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

>From a recent *What's New With NCSA Mosaic*:

      Awful Music 
      Solid Space, Salem, OR, US 
      Truly awful music with sound clips. A new pick every month. 

This month's is "Switched-On Bacharach"....


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 20:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Betcha didn't know the Chinese were Jewish...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: ex964@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Lester D. K. Chow)
Newsgroups: soc.culture.usa,soc.culture.new-zealand,soc.culture.europe,soc.culture.british,soc.culture.australian,soc.culture.asian.american
Subject: Re: Chinese Culture Superior?
Date: 16 Jul 1995 23:54:09 GMT
Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, OH (USA)


   The answer is "yes" the Chinese culture is superior, as
history has demonstrated its longevity.  The reason the 
Chinese culture or civilization was superior was due to its
people coming from a Semitic background early in mankind's
history and having a true and sincere reverence for the
true god. {copyright information, refer to the book "Shun
Cheong Di" published by Labor Only, P.O. Box 4604, Honolulu,
Hawaii 96812}

   Today, the Chinese people are "DOGS!"  like all Hamitic
people (those of black hair and brown to dark black skin),
yet Serbs and Slavs are worst.  My reference is to Bosnia
and Chechnya...both Muslim countries.  Chechnya is of
Semitic origin like the Shang and Chou dynasties of China,
yet Chinese people will not even support their own blood-
kin!  Shamil Basayer was named after his great ansestor (sp)
"SHEM" of the Holy Christian Bible.  Shem, Shamil, Shamyl,
they are all derivations of the same name...SHEM!

[There are a lot of articles like this on Usenet that I really hope
are the result of line noise and not sincere belief.... --spaf]


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 20:08:00 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Business Partnership
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

[Enough of that lowbrow humor -- here's some hi-tone intellectual stuff...  

From: Saul Feldman <sdf@well.com>

Have you heard that Tonya Harding and Michael Jackson bought Hollywood Park?

She does the handicapping and he rides the three year olds.


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 95 18:05:48 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Car commercial
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

Forwarded-by: <Ninafel@aol.com>
From:	jhoff@msri.org

                                  ...for Dodge Dartre

In my journey to the end of the night, I must rely not only on the
dialectical paths of reason.  I must have a good solid automobile,
one that eschews the futile trappings of worldly ennui and asks for
only the most basic maintenance.  My _Dodge Dartre_ offers me this basic
solace, and as interior parts fall off I am struck by the realisation of
their pointlessness.  I may not know if the window is up or down.  It is of
no consequence.

[Musta been inspired by Click & Clack... -psl]


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Excerpted: WhiteBoard News for July 12, 1995
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com

>From the column of Susan Paynter

Seattle, Washington:

To kick off the premiere of Hugh Grant's new movie "Nine Months," Star
101.5 Radio is hosting a "baby derby" to see which of three couples can
get pregnant first.

One hundred couples applied.

The finalist females (they had to be 18 or over and already planning to
have a baby) had to submit to home pregnancy tests at the station to prove
they weren't already pregnant.

Now, according to a station spokeswoman, "They're racing to see who gets
pregnant first."  The winning pair gets $1,500 in goods and services.

[Hmm, I guess they could technically have had a winner immediately
after conducting those home pregnancy tests, hmm?  And, if nothing
else, the competition tends to be its own consolation prize...  --spaf]


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 15:06:17 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: From u.washington's grad school brochure (fwd)
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: glen mccready <glen@qnx.com>
Forwarded-by: Timothy Newsham <newsham@aloha.net>

Currently, his principal research project involves the construction and
programming of a vaguely parallel computer, consisting of 32 steam-powered
Turing machines installed in the basement of Sieg Hall.  Of particular
interest is the use of triple-expansion bypass valves, coupled to
invididual governors on each engine, to achieve write-synchronization of
the machines.  Graduate students have played an important role in the
construction of the engine, particularly in stoking the boilers, and
advanced undergraduates are occasionally allowed to polish the brass

Originally intended as a general computing engine, restrictions imposed
by the Pollution Control and Noise Abatement Boards require that only
algorithms running in polynomial time may be used.  The project recently
suffered another setback when on of Professor Ruzo's graduate students
slipped on a mouldering stack of ungraded homework exercises and fell
under the write head of one of the machines.  Now permanmently embossed
with a series of 1's and 0's, the student is suing to have the machine


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 02:08:52 -0400
From: NormanC523@aol.com
Subject: FW: Silly comments on Apollo 13
To: spaf

Date: 10 Jul 1995 16:05:05 -0700
From: jong@mdd.comm.mot.com (Edward Jong)
Reply-to: sf-lovers-movies@Rutgers.Edu
Subject: Silly comments on Apollo 13

Here are some silly comments I overhead from some movie goers:

1) "I was glad that those Apollo 13 astronauts survived."
   "Don't give the ending of the movie away!"

2) "Why don't they use the Space Shuttle to rescue the marooned
    Apollo 13 astronauts?"

3) "Would it be great if the events in Apollo 13 happened in
    real life?"

4) "Do you want to watch Apollo 13?"
   "No I don't like Science Fiction."

5) "Wow! I never knew Neil Armstrong's Space Craft blew up in space."

6) "If any of this really happened, the people inside the Apollo Space
    Craft would be dead."

I wonder what comment you can say about the current education system
teaching modern history?


Date: 10 Jul 1995 14:04:47 GMT
From: kendall@io.org (David Kendall)
Reply-to: sf-lovers-movies@Rutgers.Edu
Subject: Smoking on Apollo 13

I just saw the movie Apollo 13 this weekend, and there were a few errors
that I noticed:


3. The astronauts smoking cigarettes while they were freezing their butts
off on the return journey. This would *really* have jammed up the CO2

BTW, I thought it was obvious how it would turn out, since American movies
*always* have a happy ending.


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 95 08:42:17 PDT
From: spl@pitstop.UCSD.EDU (Steve Lamont)
Subject: Hey, man, you broke the President...
To: spaf

> [Nathan was the first to respond with the correct answer.  Sadly, of
> nearly 1000 Yucks subscribers, only about 4 others recognized the
> line.  --spaf]

Not true.  The rest of us were too busy pumping our shoes...


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 04:12:16 -0700
From: brian@nothing.ucsd.edu (Brian Kantor)
Subject: Holy Network, Batman!
To: yucks

Some people know how to ask for help more politely than others...

>Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 22:48:03 -0700 (PDT)
>From: A Garret <xxxxxxx@xxxxxx.ucsd.edu>
>Subject: nameserver?
>To: lan@UCSD.EDU
>Dear God,
>I've got slip running but it can't find the IP adresses to go with the names.
>Could you mail me the IP address of the nameserver I should use?
>Many thanks,
>A humble subject


Date: 14 Jul 95 15:15:53 GMT 
From: lmerkel@BIX.com (lmerkel on BIX)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.wired,sci.med,talk.politics.drugs,alt.dear.whitehouse,alt.drugs


In a July 14 AP story out of Washington, FDA Commissioner David Kessler
let slip the biggest secret yet when he said: "Each day 3,000 children
become regular smokers and almost 1,000 of them will eventually die."

For some reason, AP doesn't go into it further.


Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 16:04:07 -0500
From: afisher@tiac.net (Ann Morrison Fisher)
Subject: Internet China-style
To: spaf

>CPSR-GLOBAL Digest 196 (cpsr-global@Sunnyside.COM),13 Jul 1995
>From: marsha-w@uiuc.edu (Marsha Woodbury) To: cpsr-global@cpsr.org
>>From: Al Whaley <al@Sunnyside.COM>
>>Subject: Edupage 7/11/95 (fwd)
>>>Kong-based China Internet Corporation (CIC), a subsidiary of the
>>>official Chinese news agency Xinhua, says: "Everybody knows the Internet
>>>has a lot of information. For now, most of it is not really related to
>>>business. It is cultural and academic discussion groups, pornography and
>>>politics. By eliminating these things not related to business we make
>>>better use of resources at lower cost." (Financial Times 7/10/95 p.9)

Only business. Damn, wish I'd thought of that.


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 18:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Chris Small <chris@eecs.harvard.edu>

Posted to rec.humor.funny:

From: haber@werple.mira.net.au (Yaacov Haber)

Snapple Iced tea just came to Australia after a phenomenal success
in the USA.  The advertising billboards read

"Drink Snapple - Tested on Americans"


Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 12:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com

In the News:  Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on the United States weighing its
options in Bosnia: "The Administration can't decide whether to do
nothing, sit back and do nothing, or complain while others do nothing."

Comic Bill Maher, on Japanese leaders revealing that the country's
economy has stalled and it is creeping toward recession: "They say if it
gets any worse, everyone will have to start eating raw fish."

"What was the first question asked by the two Americans released by the
Iraqis: 'Hey, how'd that O.J. trial ever turn out?'" (David Letterman)


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 18:05:17 -0400
From: "Nathan J. Mehl" <nmehl@soc.bbnplanet.com>
Subject: Just in case you weren't certain.
To: spaf

Newsgroups: news.admin.net-abuse.misc
In article <3ujp3n$ifa@freeside.fc.net> Andrew Hackard (hackard@freeside.fc.net) wrote:
: Philip Chee <philip@aleytys.pc.my> wrote:
: [quoting a spam message...I doubt Philip cares one way or the other]
: >Are you naked? call 1-800-559-6557 Christine
: Now that's just silly. Why would I want to call someone to find out if I
: am naked? 


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 10:02:29 -0500
From: Jon Loeliger <jdl@chrome.onramp.net>
Subject: Looking for Source Code copyright statements
To: spaf <spaf>

Some Yucks digest contained:
>> I am collecting the text copyright statements that 
>> companies insert in comments at the header of source
>> code files.
>["Really big geek" doesn't quite capture it.  Too much free time on his
>hands is more like it. :-)  --spaf]

Wait.  Isn't there a meta-copyright question begging to be asked here?

[No.  --spaf]


Date: Fri, 14 Jul 95 14:40 EST
From: snag@holli.com (Joseph Poirier)
Subject: Marriage mistake.
To: spaf, bob

> Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 12:28:23 -0400
> From: Leon Marr <marr@minerva.cis.yale.edu>
> Subject: Marriage mistake.
> From: TK Baltimore <tkbalt>
> >From USA Today - Friday, July 14, 1995, page 3A, col 1.---
> "Marriage Mistake: A Bountiful, Utah man discovered that his wife of 3 1/2
> years is a man who is now jailed on charges he ran up $40,000 in phony 
> credit card charges.  Bruce Jensen, 39, says he feels "pretty stupid" 
> that he didn't know Felix Urioste, 34 was a man.  Authorities said 
> Urioste got away with the ruse because he looked feminine and did 
> not let Jensen see him naked during their celibate marriage.  They 
> wed when Urioste claimed to be pregnant with twins after a single 
> sexual encounter in 1991.  Authorities didn't say how the encounter 
> took place.  Urioste later said the twins were stillborn.  Jensen is
> seeking an annulment citing irreconcilable differences."
> ---
> - There is a picture which accompanies the paragraph labled "Urioste:the
>   'she' who is a 'he'".  I would have thought the mustachewould have given 
>   him  away.
> - I can't imagine prison will be a lot of fun for Urioste when his 'prison
>   mates' determine his 'special situation'.
> - I think they did pretty good considering... doesn't the average US
>   marriage fall apart before 3 1/2 years?


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 09:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Maybe Clinton should send Warren Christopher to Seattle.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: kessler@bigfun.engr.sgi.com (Tom Kessler)
Forwarded-by: sukumar@sunup.Corp.Sun.COM (Sukumar Ramanathan)
From today's Macweek:

			Gates Nation

How does Bill Gates wealth stack up against the gross national
product of countries?

Kuwait:		$15.3B
Bill Gates:	$12.9B
Sudan:		$ 5.2B
Jordan:		$ 3.6B
Nicaragua:	$ 1.7B


(Jeez, maybe Clinton should send Warren Christopher to Seattle instead
of to Cairo...)


Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 12:17:19 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Memory fault - core dumped
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

>From the latest *What's New With NCSA Mosaic*:

      Debug Your Brain 
      Los Angeles, CA, US 
      The most powerful technique of personal transformation that exists.
      A profound yet simple neurologic technique which can instantly
      empower a life by activating the mind into performing like a computer.

[Interestingly, a lobotomory could be described this way.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 19:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: New problems with MH.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: Todd Kover <kovert@umiacs.UMD.EDU>

From: John Woods <jfw@proteon.com>
To: mh-users@ics.UCI.EDU
Subject: Re: stop nuclear tests
Date: Fri, 14 Jul 1995 16:27:46 GMT

jph@solo.com (Jean-Pierre Hebert) writes:

>>>    ####   #####    ####   #####
>>>   #         #     #    #  #    #
>>>    ####     #     #    #  #    #
>>>        #    #     #    #  #####
>>>   #    #    #     #    #  #
>>>    ####     #      ####   #
>>>   #    #  #    #   ####   #       ######    ##    #####
>>>   ##   #  #    #  #    #  #       #        #  #   #    #
>>>   # #  #  #    #  #       #       #####   #    #  #    #
>>>   #  # #  #    #  #       #       #       ######  #####
>>>   #   ##  #    #  #    #  #       #       #    #  #   #
>>>   #    #   ####    ####   ######  ######  #    #  #    #
>>>    #####  ######   ####    #####   ####     #
>>>      #    #       #          #    #         #
>>>      #    #####    ####      #     ####     #
>>>      #    #            #     #         #
>>>      #    #       #    #     #    #    #    #
>>>      #    ######   ####      #     ####     #

Oh, come on.  I've had MH blow up a few times on me, but it isn't THAT bad!


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 95 13:04:13 -0400
From: Joel B Levin <levin@BBN.COM>
Subject: No Question Too Dumb? Try These (for yucks)
To: spaf

Forwards purged...

Your favorite ocean-front resort is probably booked solid through August.  The 
airports are seemingly overrun by out-of-control, pint-size vacationers.  And 
everywhere, touirsts are asking really, really dumb questions.
Herewith, the International Association of Convention & Visitor
Bureaus' latest list of 10 weirdest questions fielded from would-be
vacationers in the past year:
> Do you have a map of the Iditarod Trail?  We'd like to go for a walk
  now (asked at the Anchorage Visitors Bureau).
> Which beach is closest to the water? (Florida Space Coast Office of
> Have we made peace with the Indians? (Scottsdale, AZ, Chamber of
> Where can we find Amish hookers?  We want to buy a
  quilt. (Pennsylvania Dutch CVB).
> What is the official language of Alaska? (Fairbanks CVB).
> Where are Scarlett and Rhett buried and are they buried together?
  (Cobb County, GA., CVB).
> If you go to a restaurant in Idaho and you don't want any kind of
  Potato with your meal, will they ask you to leave? (Boise CVB).
> What's the best time of the year to watch a deer turn into an elk?
  (Denver Metro CVB).
> I am trying to build a flying saucer; where do I go for help? 9San
  Jose CVB).
> Where can I find a listing of jazz funerals for the month?  I'd like
  to bring a group of students down to attend one.  (New Orleans Metro


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 20:11:33 PDT
From: Berry Kercheval <kerch@parc.xerox.com>
Subject: People with too much time on their hands
To: spaf

 finger ssfiit@eris.cs.umb.edu

(Yeah, yeah, look who's talking....)


Date: 14 Jul 1995 17:16:09 GMT
From: ZSLT81A@prodigy.com (Boyd Leeson)
Subject: Protege vs Corolla vs Civic
Newsgroups: rec.autos.misc

penske1@ix.netcom.com (carter ) wrote:
>In <3u182o$h8a@usenetw1.news.prodigy.com> ZSLT81A@prodigy.com (Boyd
>Leeson) writes: 
>>Whatever you do, don't get a protege.  My friend owned one and it fell
>It didn't fall apart, dumb-ass!!!
Yes it did, buttmunch!  You told me it did!

[Beavis and Butthead are on the net!  --spaf]


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 10:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Forwarded-by: John Breakwell <johnbrea@microsoft.com>

If the Catholic church couldn't stop Galileo, then governments won't 
be able to stop things now.

	-- Carlo de Benedetti of Olivetti on the folly of trying
	   to regulate information technology.


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 05:50:02 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca

"Jars and jars and jars of Sainsbury's cockles.  Then a pint of
 Haagen-Dazs. Then I'd throw it all up, have a bacon sandwich and start 
 all over again."

 - Elton John on cocaine use and his related eating habits


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 19:41 PDT
From: jasonl@cts.com (Jason L.)
Subject: Radio Alibi
To: yucks

This is from the July 16 New York Times Magazine, page 8.

Alibi Radio  - Japan

  Japanese looking for a way to misbehave and not get caught by
wives or other concerned parties have solved their problem in
typical Japanese fashion, with technology.
  A Japanese cable radio network, Cable Radio Usen, offers
listeners several "alibi stations" that transmit 24 hours of
background noise, including the sound of pachinko parlors and
train stations.  "Many people ask bar owners to change the
channel temporarily from music to an alibi station while they
make a call," says Nami Akiyami, a spokeswoman for the company.
  Other channels offer the sound of coffee shops, telephone
booths and mahjongg games.  The train station has the rumblings
of mass transit compelete with announcements like, "watch your
feet."  No specific stops are mentioned since Radio Usen
broadcasts nationally.  The service costs 6,000 yen, or $71
a month.


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 10:35:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Rush Limbaugh, unfortunately, wears a tinfoil hat.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

From: schulman+@pitt.edu (Christina Schulman)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.written
Subject: Re: John Norman Defends his Reputation
Date: 18 Jul 1995 05:24:03 GMT
Organization: St. Dismas Infirmary for the Incurably Informed

Ahasuerus the Wandering Jew <ahasuer@clark.net> wrote:
> I haven't seen the article, but what exactly does John Norman complain
> about? A Grand Conspiracy of feminists? If so, how do they influence
> everybody else? 

Mind-control rays transmitted by microwave ovens.  Single men who subsist
on frozen dinners and reheated pizza are easy targets, so our takeover of
the sf field is well ahead of schedule.

Rush Limbaugh, unfortunately, wears a tinfoil hat.

[That explains a lot. --spaf]


Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995 16:03:59 -0500
From: afisher@tiac.net (Ann Morrison Fisher)
Subject: Save the 2-year-olds
To: spaf

>From CPSR-GLOBAL digest 184: list cpsr-global@cpsr.org
>from "International Internet NewsClips"  (http://www.mecklerweb.com under
>the Net Day section).
>Liquor Companies To Keep Minors From Acquiring Alcohol Via Internet
>Liquor-related information and even liquor can now be obtained from
>Internet sites maintained by beverage companies such as 800 Spirits,
>DeKuyper, Coors and Miller - even by minors. Some, however, are toughening
>procedures for delivering liquor, such as calling the person placing the
>order to verify that they are not minors. In the past, a bottle of
>Stolichnaya vodka was delivered to a two-year old in New York city. "We
>think kids should be protected from insidious enticements to belong to a
>cyberspace subculture based on booze," said a public health official.
>(Boston Globe; June 23, June 18, 1995)

[Yup.  Drunk driving on the Information Superhighway.  Big problems.  --spaf]


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 15:05:01 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Signature line of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)

 James T. Resinger     | If you believe in telekinesis,
klaatu51@ix.netcom.com | raise my hand.                


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 20:03:57 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Songs of the Yankee
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

From: Hal Glatzer <0002018560@mcimail.com>
Subject: RE: Songs of the South -- Deportment

If you're from Europe,
	a Yankee is someone from the U.S.A.

If you're from the U.S.A.,
	a Yankee is someone from north of the Mason-Dixon line.

If you're from north of the Mason-Dixon line,
	a Yankee is someone from New England.

If you're from New England,
	a Yankee is someone from Maine.

If you're from Maine,
	a Yankee is someone who eats pie for breakfast.

[And if you eat pie for breakfast? ... -psl]


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 14:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The final test was to determine whether Twinkies are intelligent.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

From: "Debbie Greenberg" <DEBBIEG@xdb.com>

>From the latest Netscape "What's New":


A daunting experiment to determine the properties of that most incredible
food, the Twinkie.  No question too big to answer, no safety hazard too
small to overlook.  Includes haiku.


(*Great* photos - Debbie)


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 16:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: The last 10 things.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: haynes@xis.xerox.com (Dawn {bob} Haynes)


  10.     I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
   9.     While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
   8.     I think hairy butts are really sexy.
   7.     Her tits are just too big.
   6.     Sometimes I just want to be held.
   5.     That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
   4.     Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.
   3.     We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping
          and I can hold your purse.
   2.     Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
   1.     I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions.


    10.     Could our relationship be more Physical?   I'm tired
            of just being friends.
     9.     Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to
            douche that way.
     8.     I think hairy butts are really sexy.
     7.     Hey, get a whiff of that one.
     6.     Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in
            the armpit are just too cute.
     5.     This diamond is way too big.
     4.     I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to
     3.     Wow, it really is 14 inches!
     2.     Does this make my butt look too small?
     1.     I'm wrong, you must be right again.


Date: Thu, 20 Jul 1995 13:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Using the advanced storage technology available to the NSA ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com

Forwarded-by: matthew green <Matthew.Green@fulcrum.com.au>

From: hansm@wsinti05.win.tue.nl (Hans Mulder)
>> But cracking RSA is easier than running a sieve until you have all primes
>> until those used in RSA.  Besides that, you would not have enough storage
>> for all those primes.

> Good point :) Forgot about that little space problem (oops).  Of course,
> who can really say other than the NSA?

Astronomers should know about it.  RSA is typically performed using 512
bit prime numbers.  There are approximately 3.778e151 such prime numbers.
Using the advanced storage technology available to the NSA, it should be
possible to store a 512 bit number in a single hydrogen atom.  A typical
universe (e.g. ours) contains approximately 1e90 hydrogen atoms.  If the
NSA has hidden 3.778e61 universes in an inconspicious little building in
Maryland, astronomers should notice some deviations in the gravity field
in the area.

Hope this helps,


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 19:44:19 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: WhiteBoardness July 19, 1995
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com

Excerpted-from: WhiteBoard News for July 19, 1995

"Ed was in show business two weeks when they changed
his name and castrated him.  Happens to many of us."

Alan Young, 75, "Wilbur" from the "Mr. Ed" show, on his
horse-is-a-horse-of-course-of-course co-star, a golden
palomino who hoofed along as Bamboo Harvester before
television gave him something to talk about.

"'Nine Months' earned $12 million over the weekend.
That's pretty good when you consider the promotion only
cost 60 bucks."

NBC's Conan O'Brien, on Hugh Grant's new movie.

40 people  stomped on the lake floor of Spirit Lake in
Idaho to keep it from drying up.  Organizers of the
"Wade to Save Our Lake" campaign hope that tamping down
silt on the lake bottom could seal cracks.

A new theme park has opened in Pinyu, China, featuring
2 million snakes.  And...you can eat some of them at a
restaurant on the park grounds.

Snelling Personnel Services keeps track of resume
bloopers including classics such as "My career
objection is..." and "skilled in proolreading."

After years of searching, botanists in New Zealand
found an orchid believed to be extinct.  It was lying
flattened under a groundsheet when they took down their


Date: Tue, 18 Jul 1995 12:49:14 -0500
From: "Randy Clarke" <rcc@zycor.lgc.com>
Subject: Wow, nice fire...lots of smoke, too!
To: spaf

"We had a couple of demos [of Windows 95] and took the disks out back
 to burn 'em.  Had a nice fire, too."

         ---Paul Rakowicz, senior vice president of corporate systems,
            Document Processing Systems, Inc.; on his decision to not
            upgrade to Windows 95 and move directly to Windows NT and
            Linux.   (as quoted from PC Week pg 88.  7/17/95)


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 95 12:21:51 EDT
From: "Mark J. Reed" <mark.reed@sware.com>
Subject: Wow, that's a lot of data
To: spaf

\ Date: Thu, 13 Jul 1995 08:57:26 -0600 (MDT)
\ From: Carlos I McEvilly <cim@c3serve.c3.lanl.gov>
\ Subject: Wow, that's a lot of data...
\ To: spaf
\ Lycos: News
\ ...
\ 1,015,129 documents fetched totaling 8,099,449,230 gigabytes
\                                      ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
\ Wow, so that would be, let's see, 8,099,449,230,000,000,000 bytes!

Actually, since one gigabyte is 2^30 bytes, it'd be
8,696,717,389,615,595,520 bytes.   Maybe that's not a significant difference
to you, but, you know, 600 quadrillion bytes here, 600 quadrillion bytes
there, pretty soon you're talking real memory . . .


Date: Mon, 17 Jul 1995 16:53:01 -0800
From: fritzz@qualcomm.com (Frieder Knauss)
Subject: You have to admit it takes balls...
To: yucks@ucsd.edu

I'm not sure which of these two, uh, sports,
has the worse penalty for failure.

>From: azw@aber.ac.uk (Andy Woodward)
>Newsgroups: rec.motorcycles
>>Reminds me of a dumb motorcycle sport called "Trolling", which involves
>>riding in heavy traffic while dragging 100 feet of rope behind you.  Your 
>>end of the rope is tied around your neck.  The object of the game is to 
>>avoid letting cages(*) or trucks run over the rope :-).
>One of Llanberis's more notable headcases toproped(**) a route, that had
>just had its first ascent by other members of his group, naked and with
>the rope tied round his genitals.....

(*) cage     = automobile
(**) toprope = rock climbing using a rope attached to the top of the
               route for security. A first ascent means it hasn't been
               done before, and is usually an indication of severe

[Simply think of it as evolution in action.   --spaf]


Date: Wed, 19 Jul 1995 08:26:05 -0400
From: joeg@bronze.lcs.mit.edu (Joe Gaudreau {Dances with PostScript})
Subject: Yucks Digest V5 #21 (shorts)
To: spaf

=Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 13:32:25 -0400
=From: Kevin Lahey <kml@mathcs.emory.edu>
=Subject: [YUCKS]  Molly Ivins quote
=To: spaf (Gene "Chief Yuckster" Spafford)
=That draft-dodging, dope-smoking, deadbeat dad who divorced his dying
=wife, Newt...
=		-- [St.] Molly Ivins
=[Who had a dying wife Newt?  --spaf]

She was a Newt but she got better?


End of Yucks Digest