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Yucks Digest V5 #19 (mixed nuts)
Yucks Digest Tue, 11 Jul 95 Volume 5 : Issue 19
Today's Topics:
"Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton.
***WINDOWS 95 "JUST LIKE A MAC" - HELP***
... and special turn-down treats before turning in.
... that the mask company should have foreseen the possibility
.sig of the day
Aaargh, matey!
A Comedy Central Contract With America
Adolf's goofs
A great story, but with a tragic ending.
Ant Apocalypse
Back in Hell.
Haligonians Turn Out to Stargaze at G7 Summit
HALLO THERE..????
He very much regrets the incidents [involving] teenage schoolgirls...
Holland has so much manure ...
JOTD (2 msgs)
Not the "sitting on the edge of the bed" one, the other one.
OK, OK, "Mandy" wasn't *that* bad...
One in Ten British Men Wear Underpants Two Days
QOTD
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Republican PBS schedule
She didn't play it very well, either ...
So, just what exactly *is* a "grief-related resource"?
Surveillance through Hollerith card technology.
There are so many people here who haven't murdered anyone...
The Unemployed Dog
To B or not to B
Trends in Travel Agenting
Unsung movie genre of the day.
Wednesday she gets the knife.
Yes, very happy (was Re: Happy to Report)
Yucks: Moon Struck
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
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Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 08:05:03 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: "Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Steve Simmons <scs@lokkur.dexter.mi.us>
Forwarded-by: ncr02!ncr02!bprice@ucs01.attmail.com ("Price, Becca")
Forwarded-by: crone-owner
From: quirke_a@ix.wcc.govt.nz.
An Extremely Immodest Proposal.
[Note: Free distribution and editing of this text is encouraged,
provided no person attempts to claim copyright]
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or
prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech,
or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to
petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
- The Constitution of the United States
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for a people
to ridicule the political authorities which have governed their society,
and to assume among the other adults of the earth, the separate and equal
station to which the laws of nature and of nature's God entitle them, a
decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should
do so in as effective and humorous a fashion as possible.
The Communications Decency Act of 1995 (as yet unpassed by the House)
attempts to limit any electronic communication which is obscene, lewd or
lascivious. Reportedly initiated out of a desire to prevent graphic
pornography from polluting the tender minds of youth, this Act potentially
renders any US citizen electronically using "filthy" language liable to up
to $100,000 and/or two years in jail.
We can but concede to the wisdom of the Senators involved in sponsoring,
since it is obvious that they know better than the users of the Internet
what is and is not acceptable language. The reduction of electronic
communication to a level acceptable in a nursery playground must be hailed
as a giant step forward, and protests about First Amendment rights must
go unheard in the wave of righteous anger at the thought that minors
allowed free access to the Net may hear certain words.
Yet, we find ourselves in a dilemma. The words banned by this Act are
useful, in that they convey a wealth of information and meaning which would
be sorely missed in electronic communication. Passionate email flirtations
would be greatly cooled by the inability to be specific, and a prohibition
on expressing their fevered rantings will ensure the more juvenile
Usenetters develop ulcers well before their time.
Moreover, simple substitution cannot be acceptable. When it is obvious
from context what word a cipher stands for, that cipher is endowed with the
same meaning and implications as the original word. In the absence of any
compelling reason to keep the substitute in the public sphere, the good
Senators attempting to help us will surely consider these substitutes
equally obscene.
Thus, in the spirit of Robert Anson Wilson, we suggest that substitute
words be found which convey these necessary meanings, and yet which those
politicians working tirelessly to protect the public good cannot consider
obscene. Happily, such words exist.
In the event of the Communications Decency Act being passed, we urge all
people wishing to use electronic communications, but forced to limit their
language and thus risk confusion, to consider using the following list of
substitute words, which we feel the Senators involved will be reluctant to
ban or censor:
Byrd: Noun: The posterior or hinder parts, specifically the anus.
Coats: Noun: Excrement, or as a verb to excrete.
Exon: Verb: To copulate with, the act of copulation.
Gorton: Noun: The female genitals, or specifically the vagina.
Gramm: Verb: To orgasm. Also colloquially used as a noun.
Heflin: Noun: The female secondary sexual characteristics.
Helms: Noun: The male phallus.
An example of this usage might be as follows:
"Exon me!", she cried, as I licked her hot wet Gorton. She writhed under
my teasing tongue as her Gramm washed over her, her juices pouring out. I
moved up to suck and nibble her Heflins, only to have her clutch my Byrd,
and drive my aching Helms into her waiting Gorton.
"Coats!", she said, "We're being quoted in a political text!"
In closing, we'd like to thank Senators Exon and Gorton for their sterling
work in attempting to clean up the Internet. We hope that this immodest
proposal will let them know just how much we appreciate it, and that they
should rest assured that we will do our part in making sure their names
are never forgotten.
[For some reason this reminded me of an odd greeting card message from
many years ago: "Mrs. Gorton's Fish Sticks. Does yours?" Maybe it's
time for my medication again.... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 21:05:42 GMT
From: jfw@proteon.com (John Woods)
Subject: ***WINDOWS 95 "JUST LIKE A MAC" - HELP***
Newsgroups: comp.sys.mac.hardware,comp.sys.mac.hardware.misc
gt4148b@prism.gatech.edu (Stephen Carter Morgan) writes:
>geraint@aifh.ed.ac.uk (Geraint Wiggins) writes:
>>Eh? Windows 95 "isn't" anything. It may be something, but no-one outside
>>Microsoft's seen it yet.
>Actually, there's 400,000 people (vast majority NOT working for Microsoft)
>officially in the beta preview program.
Are you sure? That's not many more than the number of programmers they
have working on it... :-)
>Several have been posting to the net with claims of how good it is
>(and a few complaints.) All seem to agree it's much better than Windows 3.11
"Yes, Windows 95 is a great improvement over Windows 3.11. With Windows 3.11,
I had to pound rusted railroad spikes into my head repeatedly during the
installation process. With Windows 95, they've gone to the technologically
far more elegant galvanized 12-penny nails! I'd give it two thumbs up, if
I hadn't lost them thanks to a minor problem with a very early beta version!"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 12:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... and special turn-down treats before turning in.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Miami, Florida:
If stuffing one's self on a cruise isn't always a danger, now comes
Chocolatier Magazine with a dream vacation for chocolate lovers.
The week-long, early-November cruise is to include Bon Bon voyage truffle
party, classes on baking with chocolate and making chocolate cocktails,
a scavenger hunt featuring champagne and chocolate, demonstrations of
carving images from huge blocks of chocolate, chocolate desserts with
dinner every evening and special turn-down treats before turning in.
Oh, by the way, the Princess cruise ship has an exercise room and spa.
[To heck with the spa details -- how do we sign up? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 11:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: ... that the mask company should have foreseen the possibility
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
>From Variety, Friday, June 16, p. 47 - by Tim Gray in his column "Reel Life":
The Nevada Supreme Court revived a lawsuit against Blaine Kern Artista
Inc., a Louisiana company that makes oversize masks. Thomas Price claims
he fell and hurt himself at Hurrah's, Reno, while wearing a giant George
Bush mask (which Price claims should have had a safety harness to support
his head and neck.). The court -- finding that Price was accosted by 'an
irate and perhaps somewhat confused patron' who was angry over Bush's
policy on abortion rights -- ruled that there's a reasonable argument that
the mask company should have foreseen the possibility of 'some sort of
violent reaction...by intoxicated or politically volitile persons, ignited
by the sight of an oversized caricature of a prominent political figure.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 18:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: .sig of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sklower <sklower@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
I acknowledge the existence of a higher power, and have therefore
installed surge suppressors.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 95 20:56:39 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Aaargh, matey!
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: squeeze@omni.voicenet.com (Bob Stein)
From: rec.humor.funny
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!
"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.
"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest,
and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.
Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.
A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!
"Captain, captain, what should we do?"
"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"
The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically,
and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The first
mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.
"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!
"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.
Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
------------------------------
Date: Wed Jan 18 10:23:47 EST 1995
From: The New York Times (via rsk)
Subject: A Comedy Central Contract With America
(full page ad in the New York Times, 1/18/95)
Here at Comedy Central, we think the contract with American was a good start --
if you like halfway measures. That's why we pledge, in writing, to work
for these common sense reforms.
1. Stop violent criminals before they commit their first crime.
We all know who breaks the law in this country. As soon as they're too
old for orphanages, let's get 'em into the prisons where they belong.
2. Get back to work, grampa.
Enough with this Social Security foolishness. Either you old people start
earning a living like the hard-working middle class, or it's off to
prison for you.
3. Build a strong national defense with really big weapons and death
rays and stuff.
If there's one thing we like more than prisons, it's really big weapons.
4. Give American industry a break.
What is it that makes waste "toxic"? Just how low is a "minimum" wage?
When do working conditions become "dangerous"? Do these questions really
need to be answered?
5. Combine congressional term limits with the death penalty.
Congressman may run for as many terms as they wish. But should they
run for re-election and lose, they die.
6. Three strikes and you're out.
Well, *duh*!
[...]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 23 Feb 95 4:30:08 EST
From: acoyne@hubcap.clemson.edu (Andy Coyne)
Subject: Adolf's goofs
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler."
it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some
of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of
political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
beard to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party
slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
remarkably like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
him constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
little country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
war advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word
got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town
in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of
USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
own escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of
Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
invasion of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win
Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
concept of the "Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
"The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
you, a wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
the last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on
his back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat
59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 1995 13:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A great story, but with a tragic ending.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Wendell Craig Baker <wbaker@splat.baker.com>
>From the Hollywood Reporter, p. 3, "Clips":
A TV reporter's hair gel apparently attracted a swarm of bees that stung
him more than 30 times Tuesday in Kennewick, Washington. KVEW reporter
Mychal Limric, 24, was doing a beekeeping story when the insects from a
hive 50 feet distant suddenly buzzed toward his head. Not attacked, the
beekeeper and the cameraman tried in vain to brush the bees off, and the
beekeeper slammed a protective hood over Limric's head, said news director
Tom Spencer. But the hood was full of bees. The journalist is expected
to recover.
["Well Mr. President, it's the bees and spiders again." How many of
you know where *that* cam from? Now I'm really overdue for my
medication. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 23 Jan 95 19:30:03 EST
From: GLECJH@lure.latrobe.edu.au (Jason Hellwege)
Subject: Ant Apocalypse
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
In a mailing list which I subscribe to there has recently been much debate
about non-toxic methods of repelling ant invasions. The Ma Kettle type
remedies which were offered usually involved barriers of coffee grounds or
baking soda to repel the advancing ant hordes. I felt that these quaint
approaches lacked the spirit of violence which is a necessary part of
dealing with these insectoidal invaders.
So, here's my contribution to the ant genocide debate.
Method A: AARDVARKS
Application: Sprinkle Aardvarks liberally around ant nests and known ant
hang-outs (seedy ant-bars, and the like).
Pros: 100% Natural, little supervision required.
Cons: Once having consumed their fill of ants aardvarks tend to lose
motivation. Should they gain control of the TV remote they will waste entire
afternoons idly lounging on your furniture, flicking between game shows and
forgetting to close the fridge door when they've raided it for yet another
six-pack.
Method B: LARGE BOOTS
Application: Obtain a large pair of boots (hobnailed preferably), obtain a
friend and arm them with the boots. Apply boots vigorously to the ants.
Pros: Cheap, 100% natural, good course of exercise for boot operator.
Cons: Requires continual application, this necessitates the instilling of a
"Holy War Against Ants" attitude in your boot wielding friend. Show them
videos of "Them" and "The Hellstrom Chronicles".
Method C: NAPALM
Application: Low level saturation bombing runs by F-111's or similar fighter-
bomber military aircraft.
Pros: Immense emotional satisfaction, guaranteed ant genocide, visually
spectacular.
Cons: Low level saturation bombing runs tend to lower local property values.
Misses can instil ill-feeling in your neighbours should you incinerate
schools or houses.
Method D: TECHNO
Application: Arrange Net access for the ants, ensure that they subscribe to
Alt.Ant and Soc.Insect. Infiltrate these newsgroups and make frequent posts
along the lines of: "My pheromone operating system is better than yours",
"Evil drug companies are withholding antennae rot cures" and "Green Cards
for Worker Ants Spam" - encourage flamewars to erupt. After a few days ant
society will collapse in a sea of internecine warfare, ant neuroses and mass
hysteria.
Pros: Emotional satisfaction of toying with their little minds.
Cons: Expense and difficulty of obtaining thousands of teeny-tiny-terminals.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 1995 12:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Back in Hell.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Dave Del Torto <ddt@lsd.com>
From: Andrew McKenzie <h3o@veda.is>
[...]
The following are listed as "unverified and Lost Associations" in the
directory of Bristish Associations 1994,5.
association of sun tanning organizations ltd. <-- stayed out too long
bicycle polo association of great britain <-- spokesman left flat
british and european geranium society <-- never showed
british llama society <-- wised up
clergy against nuclear arms <-- couldn't handle rods
flying farmers association <-- finally landed
handle makers association <-- held in inquiry
the hatpin society of great britain <-- went on ahead
llanwenog sheep society <-- ran out of condoms
national sulphuric acid association ltd <-- bathed
original pearly kings and queens association <-- whited out
pillbox study group <-- got tanked
poldark appreciation society <-- taken for granted
saint helena aviation development group <-- flown the coop
swedish-english literary translators association <-- booked a flight
token correponding society <-- writer's cramp
tupperware assoc. <-- records sealed
the vikings (norse film and pageant society) <-- gone fey
united kingdom circuit for indian classical music ltd<-- off tuning
welsh baseball union <-- on strike
whiteface dartmoor sheepbreeders association <-- blackface gene got in
So there.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 18 Jun 95 22:38 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Haligonians Turn Out to Stargaze at G7 Summit
To: spaf
HALIFAX, Nova Scotia - The sun finally came out, Scottish bagpipers
played, and citizens of one of the smallest cities ever to stage a Group of
Seven summit turned out in force to catch a glimpse of the world leaders.
The summit is the biggest event Halifax -- population 114,000 -- has ever
hosted and has sparked genuine excitement amongst inhabitants of the Atlantic
port.
Some Haligonians -- Halifax locals -- say it is the biggest thing to
happen here since an ammunition ship exploded in the harbour in 1917,
obliterating a whole section of the city.
------------------------------
Date: Sun, 25 Jun 95 23:34:00 +0300
From: ibrahim_aldaraan@sahara.com (Ibrahim Aldaraan)
Subject: HALLO THERE..????
Newsgroups: rec.radio.amateur.digital.misc
HALLO THERE.
I AM A NEW USER OF THE INTERNET. ARE THERE ANY ONE WHO WANTS TO TALK
WITH ME ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SUBJECTS:
1- THE THEORY OF ANTIGRAVITY FORCE.
2- THE THEORY OF MAKING MATTER INVSIBALE.
3- THE THEORY OF UNIFYING ALL THE UNIVERSAL FORCES.
4- UFO.
THANK YOU ALL.
INTERNET: IBRAHIM_ALDARAAN@SAHARA.COM
FAX# : 966-3-894-1488
III
---
~ CMPQwk #1.4~ UNREGISTERED EVALUATION COPY
[This is a true letter I got in my e-mail. I don't know where these
people find my address... I hope it isn't built in to "CMPQwk #1.4",
whatever that may be.
Anyhow, if any of you Yuckster's know about invisible anti-gravity
devices, please contact Ibrahim. Also, please clue him in about lower
case letters. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 18:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: He very much regrets the incidents [involving] teenage schoolgirls...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: rob@plan9.att.com
>From Private Eye, quoting the Shropshire Star
"My client has been seeking medical help for his condition", solicitor
Anthony Muller told Wolverhampton Crown Court, "and apologises for any
offence his behaviour has caused. But the fact is that, for several years
now, he has been in the grip of a compulsion, and can only find sexual
fulfilment by simulating sex in public with bin liners."
Muller was defending Karl Watkins, 23, an electrician who had pleaded
guilty to seven charges of outraging public decency. "My client's fetish
centres on the feel and touch of a bin liner. It started when, as a
child, he used to get into a crouching position, push the pedal of the
flip bin and rapidly spank himself with the lid. For some time, he has
been prowling the streets at night, and the police have often surprised
him in wheelie bins, and even in the backs of dust carts. In fact, his
absolute sexual fantasy is to be inside a dustcart, naked, when the bin
bags are crushed. He very much regrets the incidents on pavements in
Halesowen, Stourbridge, Blackheath and Brierly Hill, all of which involved
him standing in front of teenage schoolgirls with his trousers and pants
around his ankles, and simulating sex with bin bags.
Judge Malcolm Ward placed Watkins on probation for three years, on
condition that he took bromide or an equivalent drug to reduce his high
sex drive. His girlfriend said she would stand by him, on condition that
he no longer helped her to put out the garbage.
[I'll leave the Hefty jokes to you, gentle readers. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 13:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Holland has so much manure ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: mwm@contessa.phone.net (Mike Meyer)
>From the July 1995 World Press Review:
The Netherlands is investigating a plan to export manure to
India. Holland has so much manure that it might have to curtail
its livestock production, and a Dutch comopany says that manure
would provide India with much-needed nutrients for its soil.
The plan's originator says Indians have "no trouble" with the
idea, but the Dutch Agriculture Ministry is proceeding gingerly
[Could we send them Congress? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 09:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Comic Argus Hamilton, on Mike Tyson's speech to a cheering crowd Tuesday
in New York: "Tyson said that all he ever does is pray and fight. So, he
has a lot in common with the women he dates."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 15:05:02 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Jason Thorpe <thorpej@nas.nasa.gov>
Forwarded-by: Stephen Haase <shaase@microsoft.com>
So it seems that there are these three guys applying for job with the CIA.
They get all the way to the final test.
The first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk
in front of the guy. Tells him, "This is a test of your loyalty. Take
this gun, go up the stairs, and go into the first room on your right.
Your wife will be in there. Kill her." The guy looks at him in shock,
replies, "No." and walks out of the room.
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks
up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back a few minutes later, and
tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it. The director
tells him that he's failed, too.
The third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The
director hears three shots, followed by windows breaking and smashing
furniture. Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up.
The director asks, "What the hell happened to you?"
Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the
gun so I had to choke her to death."
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 09:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Not the "sitting on the edge of the bed" one, the other one.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: sam@flake.asd.sgi.com (Sam Leffler)
Three IBM employees are stuck in a snowbound cabin: a Field Engineer, a
Customer Engineer and a salesman. The only living things in sight are
occasional grizzly bears, roaming the woods looking for something to eat.
After several days, they decide that their only hope is to kill and eat
one of the bears.
They draw straws and the salesman, getting the short straw, goes out to
lure a bear. After a while, the other two hear him yell "Open the door!".
They do so, and see him running for the cabin with a hungry bear in hot
pursuit. Just as he gets to the cabin door, he jumps aside, and the bear
shoots past him into the cabin. Slamming the door, the salesman yells:
"You two take care of that one -- I'll go get us another!"
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: OK, OK, "Mandy" wasn't *that* bad...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Do you like Michael Boulton? I hate Michael Boulton. The first time I
heard Michael Boulton, I said to myself, 'Oh, man, I owe Barry Manilow an
apology.'
-- Comedian Todd Barry, in New York magazine
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 95 23:46 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: One in Ten British Men Wear Underpants Two Days
To: spaf
LONDON (Reuter) - One in 10 British men wear the same underpants two or
three days running and one in 100 wears the same pair all week, according to
a survey just published.
One in four of those surveyed confessed to going without a bath or shower
for three days on a regular basis.
Not that it's cramping their sex life. Survey Research Associates said
their poll of 1,000 adults showed a large number of women seem happy with
the smell of perspiration.
Indeed, one in six of the women questioned said they also went three days
without a bath or shower and half said they kept wearing underwear after it
had gone grey with age.
[Well, one certainly hopes it is just age... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 10:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Cutler [Comedy Network] on religious groups protesting the name of
hockey's New Jersey Devils: "Satan doesn't have anything to do with
hockey. He's too busy messing with baseball."
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 1995 18:05:04 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Evan C Cacka <evanc@microsoft.com>
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't
want him to.
-- Rita Rudner
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 28 Jun 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
Although plastic was brought into industrial use in 1909 by L.H.
Baekeland of Yonkers, it was not until after World War II that
the modern miracle substance was used in a wide variety of
consumer goods, among them speedboats, dentures and flamingos.
Previously flamingos were made of cement. Before that they were
made by other flamingos.
-- William E. Geist, The New York Times
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 28 Feb 1995 08:50:32 -0800 (PST)
From: David Samuels <dsamuels@weber.ucsd.edu>
Subject: Republican PBS schedule
A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CATER
TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE
8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while
reciting passages of "Atlas Shrugged."
9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings
"Elitism is neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of
Mr. McFeely continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be
his neighbor.
10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh
and Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all
Muppets white.
11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down
Jim Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more
defense will balance the budget.
Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession
loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.
1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.
2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin
the need for more conservative media voices.
3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use
machine guns to bag endangered species.
4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?"
5:00 pm Newt Ginrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood
present in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan
says he is being shut out from national exposure.
6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, Sherlock Holmes
and Inspectors Morse and Maigret team up to investigate Whitewater
7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of
Wagner's "Prelude to a Cultural War."
8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis
Schafly improves this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly
gives up her independence while her husband chains her to the stove.
9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
liberal media bias.
10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World:How to Profit from Ozone Depreciation
10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the demise of
all laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.
11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle
11:01 pm Sign-Off
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 19 Jun 1995 08:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: She didn't play it very well, either ...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: friedman@splode.com (Noah Friedman)
This was probably from around 1989. I found it digging through my old
newspaper clippings:
MUSIC DRIVES MAN TO ARSON
Exeter, England --- A 59-year-old man who said he was driven mad by his
wife's constant playing on an electric organ was convicted of arson for
setting their house on fire.
"If you have someone playing the organ 24 hours a day, seven says a week, how
would you react? She didn't play it very well, either," George Bangs said
after he was sentenced in Exeter Crown Court on Wednesday to two years on
probation.
Bangs said his wife's organ playing had destroyed their marriage, and he
set fire to their home of 22 years when faced with the prospect of selling
it to pay for a divorce. His wife's car was also damaged.
"She still plays the organ, and so does the man she lives with.
They play duets together," he said.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 1995 08:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: So, just what exactly *is* a "grief-related resource"?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
>From the latest *What's New With NCSA Mosaic*:
Armstrong Funeral Home
Port Colborne, Ontario, Canada
This is an information-based page with links to various
grief-related resources around the world. Funeral-related
goods and services can also be viewed and purchased here.
http://www.funeral.net/info
[Next up: a virtual viewing. "Don't think of it as dead, Timmy.
Think of it as a permanent loss of carrier." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 1995 19:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Surveillance through Hollerith card technology.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: ag129@cam.ac.uk (A. Grant)
Newsgroups: comp.lang.asm370
Subject: Re: Punched Card Machines--powerful logic
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 1995 16:37:18
In article <3ramgh$7bn@netaxs.com> hancock4@cpcn.com (Lisa) writes:
>
> By the mid 1930s, IBM's line of Accounting Machines were quite
> powerful. In some old books I found from 1935, I was quite surprised to
> see examples of powerful applications -- complete student registrations,
> astronomical research, statistics, etc.
On a more serious note, the Fall 94 issue of the IEEE _Annals of the
History of Computing_ had an article about how IBM's card technology was
used by the Nazis, with photos of the familiar 80-column cards as marked
up by the SS Race Office, and of an advertising poster put out by IBM's
German subsidiary saying "Surveillance through Hollerith card technology".
They conclude that while the Nazi persecution could have happened without
office automation, it certainly helped.
[In some ways, it never stopped...all those government computerized
forms that still ask for "race." I lie and put down "human." --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 1995 08:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: There are so many people here who haven't murdered anyone...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@lagavulin.pdl.cs.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: Laura Burkhart <lkb@netcom.com>
>From the June 23, 1995 ``Entertainment Weekly'':
If [O.J. Simpson] is acquitted, I will renounce my citizenship. And
if I converse with him at a cocktail party, I will say, 'Well, there
are so many people here who haven't murdered anyone, I think I'll go
talk to them.' I'll also riot.
------------------------------
Date: 26 Jun 1995 08:46:39 U
From: "Cook.Norman" <cook@ssdgwy.mdc.com>
Subject: The Unemployed Dog
To: "Gene Chief Yuckster Spafford" <spaf>
A dog walks into the unemployment office, sits down next to one of the
counselors and says, "I just got laid off. Can you find me another job?"
The counselor immediately picks up the phone and calls his contact at the
circus, knowing that a talking-dog act would be just the thing for them. The
counselor hangs up the phone and says to the dog, "You're in luck. My friend
at the circus says they'll hire you right away."
The dog looks at the man with a puzzled look on his muzzle. "Why would the
circus want a biologist?"
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 95 14:34:12 -0800
From: Silikal@aol.com
Subject: To B or not to B
To: british-cars@autox.team.net
The ever-popular Ray Gibbons writes:
>Below the equator, do the engines in cars reverse their direction of
>rotation?
Normally, no. Then again, if it's a Toyota Coriolis...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 22 Jun 95 15:09:40 -0700
From: Peter Langston <pud!psl@bellcore.bellcore.com>
Subject: Trends in Travel Agenting
To: Fun_People@bellcore.bellcore.com
Forwarded-by: <cate3@netcom.com>
I knew it was going to be a bad day when, on opening the door to the travel
agency, I saw the same guy who used to work at the Ford place. He bounded
from behind his desk and came to the door to shake my hand, a most unusual
behavior for a travel agent.
"Good morning! May I sell you a Hawaiian vacation?" he asked.
"No, thanks, I just need an airline ticket from Boston to Baltimore,"
I said. "I need to go on Thursday."
"I have just the thing for you," he said. "First class, change only
once in Denver. Dynamite seats on these airplanes, yes sir!"
"No, I just need a coach ticket. And isn't there a direct flight from
Boston to Baltimore without stops?"
"I like a man who does his homework," he said. "You'd be amazed how many
people just come in and ask about all the flights they can find. Will you be
trading in another ticket?"
I was beginning to get irritated. "I don't have a ticket now. That's why
I'm here. What flights are there to Baltimore on Thursday morning?"
"If I could get you a departure time you liked, would you buy a ticket
_today_?" You could see that he was hungry. "Here's a flight at 10:30."
"No, I need to be there by ten. Is there something around 8:00?"
"You are a skillful bargainer," he countered. "I'll have to ask my
manager."
He disappeared for a few minutes. "My manager says he can give you an 8:30
departure, no earlier. Of course, you'll want to buy flight insurance and our
special carry-on bag..."
I got up and headed for the door. Surely there's another travel agent
somewhere. Maybe Japan Air Lines flies to Baltimore. Or Lufthansa. As I
left, I could hear him calling, "You know, these flights to Baltimore are
very rare...Consumer Reports rated Baltimore very highly...We may not be able
to get any more of these tickets..."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 1995 08:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Unsung movie genre of the day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: cramer@3do.com (Sam Cramer)
From: johnwi06@ac.usfca.edu (Johnson)
Subject: Movies Where Severed Heads Perform Oral Sex
Newsgroups: alt.cult-movies
Date: 16 Jun 1995 19:00:13 GMT
Organization: University of San Francisco
The other night, I was watching the classic 1985 film "Reanimator" for
the god knows what number time and realized that it was the only film I
had ever seen where a severed head is kissing and going down on a naked
person (a female on this occasion). The scene was, even to me, down right
revolting and offensive. But just out of curiosities sake, I have to know
if anyone out there has seen any other film where this has happened. Any
responses are welcome, so please follow up if you read this. Thanks ahead
of time.
[Like, dude, does it need to be a *human* head? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 21 Jun 1995 09:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Wednesday she gets the knife.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: matthew green <mrg@mame.mu.OZ.AU>
Forwarded-by: friedman@cli.com (Noah Friedman)
Forwarded-by: Darrin Jewell <jewell@bdi.com>
The following has been recently seen on a few mailing lists. It's quite
likely urban legend, but it's still humorous....
JUDGE RULES ON E-MAIL PRIVACY CASE
TULSA, OKLA -- The Oklahoma Supreme Court has ruled on a case that many
legal experts believe clearly delineates the e-mail privacy rights of
computer users in the workplace. Judge Stan Musing declared that employees
have a right to expect that their employers will refrain from monitoring
e-mail messages transmitted on company systems. The case went to court
after programmer Augustus Lindsey's supervisor monitored his e-mail and
intercepted a message from Lindsey to a colleague. The message read: "That
little sex kitten has been driving me wild. She's moaning and begging for
it every minute. Last night I was afraid someone would hear, and we'd be
thrown out of the building. But don't worry -- all is arranged. Wednesday
she gets the knife". Lindsey's supervisor alerted authorities, suspecting
that a crime was in the making. Lindsey was arrested on the spot and spent
an uncomfortable night discussing the situation with the police. However,
he was released in the morning, just in time to get his female cat to the
vet for spaying. Lindsey sued his boss for invasion of privacy and sought
punitive damages as well.
------------------------------
Date: 16 Jan 1995 22:19:29 -0500
From: relayer@netcom.com (Heather Downs)
Subject: Yes, very happy (was Re: Happy to Report)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology,misc.legal,alt.config,comp.org.eff.talk,misc.legal.computing,news.admin.misc
noring@netcom.com (Jon Noring) writes:
>If newsgroups had the same rights as U.S.
>citizens, a.r.s would be innocent until proven guilty in a court of law!
However, alt.drugs would be banned outright, rec.guns would be moderated
(no "assault" articles allowed, mandatory two-week waiting period for
posting, and a background check for any previous posts to alt.prisons),
alt.fan.newt-gingrich would rmgroup alt.radio.networks.npr,
alt.fan.pat-robertson would try to rename alt.politics.usa.constitution
to soc.religion.christian.bible-study, alt.rock-n-roll would be moderated
by alt.fan.tipper-gore, and articles could not be crossposted from
alt.homosexual to alt.military, alt.adoption, or soc.couples.wedding.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 23 Jun 95 17:05:00 BST
From: a.palmer.kainos@oasis.icl.co.uk
Subject: Yucks: Moon Struck
To: spaf
A news item which appeared in "The Daily Telegraph", a
national daily newspaper here in the UK, on 22 June.
A man of 35 who ran into the road and bared his bottom at
motorists near Gaerwen, Anglesey, needed hospital treatment after
a car hit him. Police said he was "stupid" but did not bring
charges.
[The motorist was temporarily blinded by a full moon? --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------