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Yucks Digest V5 #18 (shorts)
Yucks Digest Thu, 6 Jul 95 Volume 5 : Issue 18
Today's Topics:
A hard tug by the other team severed his hand.
A little Oregon humor...
And just *guess* who's doing the negotiating...
and yet another bobby knight story especially for you
Another Quarter Heard From
Federal study finds speed limits irrelevant
Finns to Stage Woman-Carrying Contest
first, postal clerks with guns, now ...
found on rec.birds
Further Developments
FWD: visa for aliens from outer space
Grea.sig line
How about someone that just wants to practice?
Is Windows a virus?
JOTD
Lady, this isn't a "fine point".
Lots of other possibilities come to mind, too...
Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction
Multo ante natus eram
Must have been something he said.
Null Modem Cables
QOTD
Quote of the day (2 msgs)
Seedless Watermelon Promotes Homosexuality
something for Yucks?
Tortured Analogy of the Day.
Town Crier Not Too Noisy, Coucil Decrees
Utopia's Hairy
Vomit Comet
Waterproof Wireless Mic's
What exactly *is* a frozen swede?
Calls to Save the Paris Metro Cricket
Yeah, but if you can find two other guys and all go together...
You woke me up for THAT?
The "Yucks" digest is a moderated list of the bizarre, the unusual,
the sometimes risque, the possibly insane, and the (usually) humorous.
It is issued on a semi-regular basis, as the whim and time present
themselves.
Back issues can be obtained via Gopher as
gopher://gopher.cs.purdue.edu/11/Purdue_cs/Users/spaf/yucks/gopher
and subscriptions can be obtained using a mail server. Send
mail to "yucks-request@cs.purdue.edu" with a "Subject:" line of the
single word "help" for instructions.
Submissions and problem reports should be sent to spaf@cs.purdue.edu
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 16:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A hard tug by the other team severed his hand.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Chattanooga, Tennessee:
Doctors failed to reattach the hand that got torn off a man's wrist in a
tug-of-war game at a company picnic.
Stanley Dewane Farris, 21, was in fair condition Saturday at Erlanger
Medical Center, said spokeswoman Doris Chastain. She said "the injury
was too severe" to save the hand.
Farris had rope wrapped around his wrist during the tug-of-war between
teams of 25 adults on Friday. A hard tug by the other team severed his
hand. Farris was his team's anchor, last in the line.
He was rushed to the hospital. The severed hand was put in ice
immediately, Chastain said.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 19:05:11 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: A little Oregon humor...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: George Hartzell <hartzell@postgres.Berkeley.EDU>
Forwarded-by: ahb@gene.com (Ann Benninger)
Forwarded-by: "Nannette Morgan" <morgan@munch.gene.com>
An Oregonian, a Californian and a Texan were out camping. They
were lazing around a campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle
of tequila and after taking a couple of swallows, threw the
bottle up in the air, pulled out his six-shooter and neatly shot
the bottle. The Californian noted that there was still some
tequila left in the bottle, but the Texan replied, "That's okay,
we have plenty of tequila where I come from."
The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of White
Zinfandel, took two swallows, threw it up in the air and shot
it with a Glock 9mm pistol with the 17-round magazine, stating:
"We have plenty of _this_ where I come from."
The Oregonian took all this in and finally opened a bottle of
Henry's Blue Boar Irish Ale. He downed the entire bottle, threw
it up in the air, and shot the Californian with a 12-gauge
Mossberg he kept around for birds and deftly caught the bottle.
The Texan's jaw dropped nearly to his silver belt buckle and
his eyes opened nearly as wide. The Oregonian, momentarily
puzzled at the reaction, finally laughed: "It's okay, we have
plenty of Californians where I come from, and where I come from,
I can get a nickel for this bottle!"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 14:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: And just *guess* who's doing the negotiating...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
New York, New York:
A proposed settlement of a class-action suit against General Electrics
Company's GE Capital Mortgage on behalf of 340,000 homeowners with
mortgage escrow accounts says the payout will be "less than $1 and no
more than $2" each.
The payout to plaintiff lawyers? "No more than $500,000."
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 1995 16:22:20 +0700
From: cdash@ludell.uccs.edu (Charlie Shub)
Subject: and yet another bobby knight story especially for you
To: spaf
Forwarded-By: tjehl@sedona.UUCP
The following is a variation on a theme of a classic joke, but an original
variation. It being college hoops time, and Coach Knight being up to his
standard antics, I thought I'd give this a go.
Robert Knight, after his team had been sent home from the tournament, began
considering his career, his future, and, as his thoughts turned that direction,
the afterlife. So he contacted his local minister to discuss the issue.
"Reverend, will I be able to coach basketball in Heaven?", he inquired.
Now, of course, his minister didn't want to give a glib answer, so he told
Bobby that he wanted to pray for a while and ask for some divine inspiration
before responding to his question.
After a week of prayer, the minister called the coach into his study, and
asked him to take a seat.
"Robert," he said, "I have some good news for you, and some bad news."
"What's the good news?", asked Coach Knight.
"Well, the good news is that yes, you will be able to coach basketball in
Heaven," replied the minister.
"And the bad news?" asked coach Knight (grimacing, probably having heard
jokes like this before).
"Well, Bob," responded the minister, "you'll be coaching the visiting team."
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 1995 10:57:46 -0400
From: COOKER2@aol.com
Subject: Another Quarter Heard From
To: spaf
So a blind bunny and a blind snake met in the forest, and both sat
complaining that they didn't know what kind of animal they were. Finally they
decide to feel each other to see if they could figure it out.
The snake crawled all over the bunny and said, 'Well, you're soft and furry
with long ears and the cotton tail.' And the bunny shouted with glee, 'Oh,
I'm a bunny!'
Then the bunny starting feeling the snake. 'Well, you're cold and clammy.
Scaley and slithery.' And the snake yelled, 'Hooray, I'm a lawyer.'
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 12:05:19 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Federal study finds speed limits irrelevant
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
From: Mike Olson <mao@illustra.com>
bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic) writes:
> Mr. Baxter claims that the study, the most comprehensive study
> done on speed limits in over 30 years, clearly proves that speed limits,
> as employed in the United States, have virtually no influence on driver
> behavior. "Raise the limit, lower the limit, or remove the signs
> altogether, and traffic speeds do not materially change. Furthermore,
> raising or lowering speed limits has no meaningful influence on traffic
> safety."
most studies of hazardous behaviors (like smoking or unsafe sex practices)
have to use volunteers, because it's considered unethical to select subjects
at random and force them to do dangerous stuff.
if we assume that fast driving is more dangerous than slow driving, then
the studies cited here have a serious problem.
if they selected volunteers (that is, people whose driving speed was
guaranteed to be fixed, regardless of the existence or absence of any
posted limit), in which case the study measured nothing.
if they selected participants at random, and there were *any* accidents
during the study, then they've opened themselves up for a liability
free-for-all. "my mother died, your honor, because the scurrilous
scientists removed the speed limit signs from the highway, causing all
the drivers around her to drive at reckless speeds."
come to think of it, the potential for big-money lawsuits exists regardless
of whether participants were volunteers.
so where was the "peer review" during experiment design?
[Sometimes Science marches on. Other times, it is driving 40 in the
left-hand lane with the turn signal on, and the seatbelt dragging out the door
making sparks. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 95 22:32 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Finns to Stage Woman-Carrying Contest
To: spaf
HELSINKI, June 6 (Reuter) - The central Finnish town of Sonkajarvi will
stage its fourth annual woman-carrying championship on July 1, the daily
Huvudstadsbladet said on Tuesday.
Contestants have to carry a woman older than 17 over a 253.5
metre (831 ft 8 in) long obstacle course.
Those who drop their burdens get a 15-second penalty and the winner -- the
fastest to complete the course -- is awarded the woman's weight in lemonade.
[Lemonade!? Now a real contest would let you keep the woman. For the
weekend, at least. :-) (Of course, it is possible that only
the losers in the women's competition would be available to be carried
by the men.) --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 14:05:22 -0400
From: Patrick Tufts <zippy@cs.brandeis.edu>
Subject: first, postal clerks with guns, now ...
To: spaf
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 95 13:43:40 PDT
From: Harry Morris <morris@wais.com>
To: silent-tristero
Subject: We Await Silent Tristero's Shrapnel
< forwards blasted into orbit>
[...]
MOSCOW (AP) -- The infamously slow and unreliable Russian postal
system got a ballistic boost this week when a rocket delivered mail
to a remote peninsula in the Far East.
In just 20 minutes, the SS-18 missile delivered 1,270 letters
Wednesday to the Kamchatka Peninsula, nine time zones and thousands
of miles away.
The ITAR-Tass news agency said the mail was inside the capsule
that carried a German mini-lab into space, then parachuted to the
ground.
The missile was launched from a Russian nuclear submarine in the
Barents Sea off Murmansk, home port of the Northern Fleet.
ITAR-Tass said the mail was being stamped and delivered today
along with special certificates saying it had been delivered by
ballistic missile.
[And we thought the Unabomber was bad news! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 12:31:33 -0400 (EDT)
From: Meg Worley <mworley@mathcs.emory.edu>
Subject: found on rec.birds
To: spaf
The birders are all atwitter over this little gem:
From: mterril@nyc.pipeline.com (M.L. Leinneweber)
Newsgroups: rec.birds
Subject: Danger to Wild Birds
Date: 9 Jun 1995 08:02:01 -0400
The following advertisement appeared in the May Issue of Mirabella
Magazine. (I do not have the page number).
"Happy Landings" Birdseed. We love the look of our lawn when it's covered
with a living quilt of avian friends as they stop by for a birdseed dinner.
So often, however, we find ourselves wishing we could have more time to
observe them in their natural state. Recently we were introduced to Happy
Landings, which is composed of the six most popular and nutritious
birdseeds, plus a seventh, more exotic variety that has a slightly narcotic
effect on the birds. After a couple of beakfuls, they will be happy to walk
around on the lawn for three to five hours before flying off. You can be
sure they'll get in the habit of coming back for more. 1-kilo bag, $25.00.
I don't want to point out the obvious, but this puts the birds' survival at
severe risk from predators -- raptors, cats, dogs, people, foxes, coyotes,
etc.
The company may be contacted at 1-800-776-3336; your letters of protest may
be sent to Happy Landings, P.O. Box 6907, Florence, KY 41022.
I'm atwitter too, but at the tantalizing possibilities of
the snorting retorts.
[Well, you'd probably get some interesting retorts if you snorted seed... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 13:05:13 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Further Developments
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: harry@starbase.sj.unisys.com
Forwarded-by: "Bruce A. Mah" <bmah@tenet.CS.Berkeley.EDU>
From: mozart@coos.dartmouth.edu (Michael J. Fromberger)
Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
Date: 6 Jun 1995 19:20:13 GMT
Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH, USA
Well, for those following the discussion about postal URL's of late, it
seems we have verification that they will work internationally. This
afternoon, I received a postal message from Sweden, addressed using the
URL format:
usps://USA/03755/NH/Hanover/3B School St./M. J. Fromberger
I'm still of the opinion we might be better off using 'postal' than
'usps', and perhaps using underscores to get around the spacing problem,
but at least there's evidence that the Post Office understands the
addressing format properly!
If we do it enough, do you think they'll start issuing bulletins telling
people to stop it? :)
I guess the next question is, would it be possible to set up hardware and
software such that mail sent to a 'postal:' or 'usps:' URL would get
printed out, stamped, and dropped in a nearby mailbox? Perhaps with a
scheme like NetCash the Post Office could even be set up to handle it...
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 12:00:22 -0600
From: LaMont Jones <lamont@cranston.fc.hp.com>
Subject: FWD: visa for aliens from outer space
To: spaf
<forwards removed>
Subject: Aliens to land in U.S.
From: "Rob Landis, 410-338-4560" <LANDIS@stsci.edu> at sn-internet
Date: 6/05/95 10:52 AM
Folks,
I'm sorry -- I couldn't resist posting this. Definitely worth a chuckle.
For the first time, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service after
some prodding by the U.S. State Department, will officially allow two aliens
from space to land in the United States. It seems that U.S. entry visas for
cosmonauts Vladimir Dezurov and Grennady Strekalov were forgotten before the
launch of Mir-18. They were launched from Kazakstan on March 14 and are
scheduled to land either in Florida or California in early July aboard the
Space Shuttle Atlantis (STS-71). The U.S. State Department has, for the first
time, asked for a waiver for "aliens from outer space." The INS has agreed
not to arrest the cosmonauts for illegal entry into the United States.
[This is going to piss off the Grays who've been landing their UFOs
clandestinely at Groom Lake all these years -- they've had to fill out
forms in triplicate to get their visas! --spaf (catering to the small
minority of Yucks readers into vast conspiracies)]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 09 Jun 1995 09:23:40 -0500
From: wpwood@austin.ibm.com
Subject: Grea.sig line
To: spaf
A little something for Yucks
>Doug DeJulio | R$+@$=W <-- sendmail.cf file
>mailto:ddj+@pitt.edu | {$/{{.+ <-- modem noise
>http://www.pitt.edu/~ddj/ | !@#!@@! <-- Mr. Dithers swearing
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 15:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: How about someone that just wants to practice?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
The Hendersonville-Sumner County, Tennessee, Film Commission is looking
for a filmmaker to blow up the vacant Hawkins Middle School. That way
the town wouldn't have to pay to tear it down, the mayor said.
[Well, if the Yucks readership agrees to do it, will the
Hendersonville-Sumner County, Tennessee, Film Commission offer to film
it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 20:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Is Windows a virus?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jim Thompson <jim@Tadpole.COM>
Forwarded-by: kennedy@lemans.Central.Sun.COM (Doug Kennedy SunSoft)
Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses (viri?) do:
1. They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
as they do so -- okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
Windows does that, too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable
programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too
slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental
differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are
running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and
efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they
mature.
So, Windows is *not* a virus.
------------------------------
Date: Thu, 15 Jun 1995 17:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: JOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
Bob Mills, on the new Batman movie: "The movie underwent some last-minute
editing when producers suddenly realized that Robin was living in Batman's
guest house while trying to land a book deal."
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 1995 20:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Lady, this isn't a "fine point".
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
This item comes by way of Jon Kark:
Baltimore, Maryland:
Experts checked just about every detail concerning the Babe Ruth statue
at the entrance to Baltimore Oriole Park at Camden Yards. They debated
whether Ruth wore his belt buckle on the left side or right side and
whether his hat was cocked to the side or straight. They double-checked
the proper size of his belt loops. But one fact escaped scrutiny.
The bronze nine-foot, 800-pound Babe is clutching on his hip a
right-handed fielder's glove. The real Babe was a lefty. Batted left.
Threw left. Was even called Lefty as a kid.
Artist Susan Leury, who admits to "not being very astute in the fine
points of sports," told the Baltimore Sun that she worked with a vintage
glove sent by the Babe Ruth Museum. Museum Director Mike Gibbons said
the glove was used in lieu of a real one because Ruth's equipment is too
valuable to lend. By the time the error was caught, it was too late.
"It was nine feet tall and in the foundry and ready to go, and I looked
at it and said, 'Oh, well,'" Leury said.
------------------------------
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 1995 11:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Lots of other possibilities come to mind, too...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Jan-Simon Pendry <jsp@sequent.com>
This was filed yesterday. There is a Motif demo program,
called "periodic", containing a push button as described below:
OSF Problem Report
=================================
[ source information deleted ]
Problem Description
-------------------
Severity Level: Minor
Date of First Occurrence: Motif 1.2.0
One Line Description:
Change "Explode Building" to "Start Engine", less emotionally sensitive
Full Description:
The tragic bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building occurred
after the release of Motif 1.2.4. Therefore I suggest that to
avoid offending any users, the periodic example of a pushbutton
label "Explode Building" be changed to something that has less
potential to emotionally upset any users.
I suggest the pushbutton label be: "Start Engine"
Patch provided below.
Repeat By:
Execute demo periodic.
[ patch deleted ]
[Be careful what you ask for -- OSF claims a lot of hidden support, and
those buttons may do more than what you think, especially with DCE and
the Internet! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 9 Jun 1995 11:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sue Trowbridge <trow@charm.net>
TOP TEN REJECTED DISNEY MOVIE TITLES
10. "101 Snoop Doggy Doggs"
9. "Beauty and the Baldwin Brother"
8. "Minnie's Battle with Helium Addiction"
7. "Newt!: The Musical"
6. "Old Yeller Hops the White House Fence"
5. "Barry White and the Seven Dwarfs"
4. "Mickey the Dismissed Juror"
3. "Fievel Visits a Gay Disco"
2. "The Parent Trap '95, Starring Lyle and Erik Menendez"
1. "Swiss Family Buttafuoco"
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 10 Jun 1995 10:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Multo ante natus eram
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: guy@netapp.com (Guy Harris)
From: bsg@basistech.com (Bernard S. Greenberg)
Newsgroups: alt.os.multics
Subject: Re: Multo ante natus eram
Ward Anderson at ACTC just reported an interesting crash on Multics (10.2)
at ACTC -- Collection 1 initialization discovered that I became 45 years
old Tuesday past, an event which was extremely unlikely, and crashed the
system before the clock did damage to the file system, or so it feared.
The code in scs_and_clock_init is perfectly clear - the time "06/06/95
18:31 est Tuesday" is hard-coded in, in characters, with the comment that
it is "Bernard S. Greenberg's 45th birthday". It has been there for
twenty years in plain text visible to anyone reading the code! (I loved
to read code in my day, especially initialization - perhaps I was the
last?)
Maybe Tom Van Vleck remembers, but it is extremely likely that twenty
years ago at CISL our operator at the time for the nth and last time
forgot to set the clock, or set it poorly, and damaged the file system
(which looks quite askance on "back to the future" jaunts), and Tom and
I said "This has to end. We have to put a gullibility check in the clock
init code", and I did this. Probably saved a lot of file system damage
over the years. If I had it to do over again, I'd do it over again! This
code did the -right-thing-!
At 25, I could not imagine I'd ever be 45, let alone that
scs_and_clock_init.pl1 would be there along with me! Somehow,
though, 65 doesn't seem that far away any more...
As Ward said, this is a -real- Multics story.
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 20:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Must have been something he said.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
Gifford Riney, of Bullard, Texas, has filed a lawsuit accusing ex-wife
Hilda Stanley of fraud for concealing her winning Lotto Texas ticket until
their marriage was annulled. Stanley claimed her $4.3 million prize 137
days after winning, using her maiden name and refusing to allow use of
her picture.
[Reminds me of an old joke:
"Quick, pack your things. I just won the lottery!"
"Marvelous! Should I pack for someplace warm or someplace cold?"
"I don't give a damn, so long as you are out of here in 20 minutes!."
--spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 11:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Null Modem Cables
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Herb Peyerl <hpeyerl@novatel.ca>
Forwarded-by: Jonathan Levine <jonathan@canuck.com>
From: rsvp@worf.netins.net (rsvp)
Newsgroups: comp.periphs
Subject: Null Modem Cables
Date: 11 Jun 1995 02:25:43 GMT
Well, it came to this.
My wife to be... and I met on the internet. I moved across country in
order to be with her........ and have been for the last 8 months. But,
it turns out, we can speak to each other better on the computer than we
can in person.
Strange.
Anyway, is there a way we can use a null modem cable in order to link our
computers so that we may chat to each other? If so, how would this be
done and could several cables be put together to span the distance between
computers....... about 20 feet or so.
Thanks in advance.
[I'd advise these people not to unwrap the wedding presents -- they're
easier to return in the original boxes. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 16:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: QOTD
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: dfitzpat@interserv.com
I try to follow the advice that a university president once gave a
prospective commencement speaker. "Think of yourself as the body at
a Irish wake," he said. "They need you in order to have the party,
but nobody expects you to say much."
-- National Security Advisor Anthony Lake, addressing
students and faculty at the University of Massachusetts,
Amherst
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: thorntn@cc.umanitoba.ca (Duncan Thornton)
Forwarded-by: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Today's quote is from an anonymous member of M.E.N. (the Medical Ethics
Network) an organisation headquartered in Yorkton, Saskatchewan, devoted
to helping men who suffer emotionally from their infant circumcisions.
"To me," one man said, "it's like wearing a sock with a hole in the end
of it and having my big toe protruding."
(QFTD discussion groups may wish to use one of two suggested topics:
1. Is the lowered risk of HIV transmission worth this kind of life-long
trauma?
2. Well, at least it wasn't his little toe.)
[There's undoubtedly jokes here about Odor-eaters and Dr. Scholls
products for "You have Athelete's Foot WHERE?", but maybe they are
better left unstated. --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 20 Jun 1995 05:50:01 -0600
From: qotd-request@ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
Subject: Quote of the day
To: qotd@ensu.ucalgary.ca
"I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it."
- Garry Shandling
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 12 Jun 1995 13:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Seedless Watermelon Promotes Homosexuality
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: "James W. Williams" <williams@nssdc.gsfc.nasa.gov>
NICOSIA, Cyprus (Reuter) - Iran's parliament voted on Monday to ban the
sale of seedless watermelon deemed corrupting by Moslem clerics. Deputies
voted for the bill after a two-day debate in which a minority argued that
people should not be denied watermelon because it has no seeds.
"The government has to defend Islamic and cultural values, just as it
has to defend the borders... Spreading corruption, robbing the youths of
moral values. Seedless watermelon promotes homosexuality and asexuality."
The law will take effect after further debate on details of the bill
expected in several weeks' time.
[Ever think some of those clerics have entirely too much free time on
their hands? That actually may be true of most clerics, Moslem or
otherwise... --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 11:21:28 -0500
From: schuba (Christoph Schuba)
Subject: something for Yucks?
To: spaf
seen in an e-mail signature:
Christer Holgersson, SysNet Admin, University of Umea, Sweden
Email <ada@umu.se> <URL:http://www.umu.se/umdac/employees/ada>
Phone (+46) 90 165204 Fax (+46) 90 166762
"The number of the beast - vi vi vi"
------------------------------
Date: Fri, 16 Jun 1995 09:05:11 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Tortured Analogy of the Day.
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Sean Eric Fagan <sef@kithrup.com>
Newsgroups: comp.os.linux.development.system,comp.arch
From: jfw@proteon.com (John Woods)
Subject: Re: 64 bit Linux?
conway@mundil.cs.mu.OZ.AU (Thomas Charles CONWAY) writes:
>We use C as a portable assembly language, and the C code that our compiler
>generates needs to be able to freely mix integer values and pointer values.
And I use a chainsaw as a blender, and I really wish chainsaw manufacturers
would guarantee that I won't chip the bowl when I do this.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 95 22:32 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Town Crier Not Too Noisy, Coucil Decrees
To: spaf
LONDON, June 6 (Reuter) - A town crier with a voice as loud as a pneumatic
drill has been cleared of noise pollution after merchants complained about
his 100 decibel "Oyez Oyez" calls.
Dave McGuire, celebrating after being cleared by council officials in the
city of Chester, said: "You cannot have a quiet town crier. It is a
contradiction in terms. You might as well complain that a street cleaner is
keeping the road too tidy."
Traders had complained about the bell-ringing McGuire who
loudly sang the praises of the local bus company.
"Tests showed he was noisier than a passing bus that registered 85 decibels
but no noisier than pneumatic drills which have been measured at 100
decibels," a council spokesman was quoted as saying by Tuesday's Daily
Telegraph newspaper.
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 1995 16:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Utopia's Hairy
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Chris G Demetriou <Chris_G_Demetriou@lagavulin.pdl.cs.cmu.edu>
Forwarded-by: James A. Landay <landay@cs.cmu.edu>
Top Ten Anagrams for "Information Superhighway"
-----------------------------------------------
10. Enormous, hairy pig with fan
9. Hey, ignoramus -- win profit? Ha!
8. Oh-oh, wiring snafu: empty air
7. When forming, utopia's hairy
6. A rough whimper of insanity
5. Oh, wormy infuriating phase
4. Inspire humanity, who go far
3. Waiting for any promise, huh?
2. Hi-ho! Yow! I'm surfing Arpanet!
And the number one anagram for "Information Superhighway":
1. New utopia? Horrifying sham
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 10:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Vomit Comet
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
"Had you ever experienced weightlessness before -- I mean, other than when
they handed you that first 'Bosom Buddies' script?"
Interviewer Bob Costas, discussing the "Apollo 13" movie with its star
Tom Hanks. During filming, Hanks rode the parabola-arcing "Vomit Comet"
700 times -- more than any living astronaut -- to film the realistic
zero-gravity scenes.
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 08:05:09 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Waterproof Wireless Mic's
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: Keith Sklower <sklower@CS.Berkeley.EDU>
Gleaned From Rec.audio.pro:
From: jcrose@tiac.net (Jay Rose)
Subject: Re: Waterproof Wireless Mic's
Date: Wed, 14 Jun 1995 20:58:19 -0500
Sidebar:
A magazine article a few years ago described how Frank Serafine prepared
his Schoepps to gather underwater sounds for Red October: he slipped a
condom over it.
My wife looked at the article and said, "Wow! Safe Sfx!"
[He calls it his "Schoepps"? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 1995 18:05:06 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: What exactly *is* a frozen swede?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: tale@uunet.uu.net (David C Lawrence)
Forwarded-by: Reto Lichtensteiger <rali@hri.com>
Forwarded-by: silent-tristero-approval@world.std.com
(Reuters)
Some men will got to extraordinary lengths to prove how macho they are.
Witness Frenchman Pierre Pumpille, of Lyon, who recently shunted a
stationary car two feet by headbutting it. "Women thought I was a god,"
he explained from his hospital bed. Deity or not, however, Pumpille is a
veritable girl's blouse compared to Polish farmer Krystof Azninski, who
staked a strong claim to being Europe's most macho man by cutting off his
own head. Azninski, 30, had been drinking with friends when it was
suggested they strip naked and play some "men's games". Initially they
hit each other over the head with frozen swedes, but then one man seized
a chainsaw and cut off the end of his foot. Not to be outdone, Azninski
grabbed the saw and crying "Watch this then!" swung at his own head and
chopped it off. "It's funny," said one companion, "Cos when he was young
he put on his sister's underwear. But he died like a man."
[Who says Polish jokes are dead? And hold cold is it that they have
frozen swedes around to bop each other on the head with? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 95 22:32 CDT
From: heiby@mcs.com (Ron Heiby)
Subject: Calls to Save the Paris Metro Cricket
To: spaf
PARIS - French insect lovers want part of the Paris Metro declared a
nature reserve, fearing the railway is getting too clean for rare colonies
of crickets in the warm, dark tunnels.
While most travellers welcome a clean-up of the Metro to rid it of
mosquitoes, rats and other pests, one insect pressure group wants special
measures to protect the crickets, whose buzzing is a symbol of good fortune
in French folklore.
"Ideally, we'd like the two Metro lines where there are the most crickets
to be declared a natural park for them," said Lionel Antoine, president of
the Protection League for the Crickets of the Paris Metro (LPGMP).
[If Polish jokes do disappear, we still have the French! --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Sat, 17 Jun 1995 09:05:08 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: Yeah, but if you can find two other guys and all go together...
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: joeha@microsoft.com
San Francisco, California:
California Highway Patrol officials said they will no longer release an
official count of suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge, at least until the
1,000th confirmed death.
The most recent suicide on June 5 was the 997th since the first recorded
suicide in August 1937.
"When we get into the magic number business, we might push someone over,"
psychiatrist Richard Selden said.
[If they push someone over, it doesn't count as a suicide, does it? --spaf]
------------------------------
Date: Tue, 13 Jun 1995 17:05:07 -0400
From: bostic@CS.Berkeley.EDU (Keith Bostic)
Subject: You woke me up for THAT?
To: /dev/null@python.bostic.com
Forwarded-by: <omitted@alexandria.lib.utah.edu>
Forwarded-by: Beldin@aol.com
Some things NOT to say during sex:
You woke me up for THAT?
Try breathing through your nose.
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn out the lights.
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!
Smile, you're on Candid Camera.
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth.
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
You're good enough at this to do it for a living!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate.
This would be more fun with a few more people.
Those?! Well, I've SEEN those!
I think my ring is still up there.
If you WANT SOMETHING DONE RIGHT you have to DO IT YOURSELF!!!
[I've always found that "Gee, this is almost as good as sheep." tends
to light a certain romantic flame. --spaf]
------------------------------
End of Yucks Digest
------------------------------